What do you think about dating friends?

[AFriendlyFace]

Hey everyone,

 

I just thought it would be good to get people's thoughts on this. I have a friend(s) who I think may have for me, and I don't really feel the same way so I don't think it's necessarily an issue having to do with the fact that we're friends, but on the other hand, a big part of it is simply that I have a general hesitancy to date friends (well really it's not though, because I just don't feel that way, but in general I do have a hesitancy to date friends).

 

I mean I think that can potentially lead to some of the best relationships, but I also think it can screw up some really good friendships. Obviously I think that you should 'be friends' with anyone you date, and you should probably even feel that way about them a bit before you start dating, but as I'm sure most of you will agree there's this 'line' or something which after you cross it you know you're friends with that person and that it's not romantic...and of course there's the opposite line for once you're romantic with someone and not just friends, but in any case I think in general if you're both single and somewhat interested in dating you start relationships with people that aren't on the other side of either of those lines and move them over accordingly...at least that's sort of how I do it. When I meet someone I find attractive and interesting that's also available I think "Okay, so the possibility of dating this person is on the table" and then over time they cross into one of the two camps.

 

I dunno, maybe I'm just weird, and that's by no means the extent of my thoughts on the matter so I'll probably add more later, but what do you guys think about this in general?

 

Take care all,

Kevin

[Krista]

Most of my male friends I have dated, but I dated them before I considered them as close valued friends. I would never date someone I'm currently friends with though, I value my friendships too much to lose a friend over a failed relationship, as I would have a hard time reverting back to just being friends after dating someone, especially if it becomes a long, and important dating relationship. Well, I only have three straight friends who aren't married and like I said, I already dated them.

 

But people do I think befriend someone with the thought that they would make a good prospect to date. I know I've done that too, and I think most people do that unless they speed date or go on blind dates. It usually takes becoming closer, becoming friends, and then either staying friends or going on to the next step, so at least the thought of dating them and maybe even the feelings are there, but once they are valued friends - they stay as friends.

[S.L. Lewis]

I've dated friends, twice. One ended with the jerk cheating on me and then becoming obsessed with me and the other relationship ended up with us dating for a good 5 years before breaking it off because he was going to move to another city.

I can't say I won't do it again, because I probably will, but I'm more prone to dating new people that I know a bit about before hand personally.

[rknapp]

Technically I dated a friend once for three months. The problem was that we could never get together in those months because she worked at night and was tired the next day from working the previous night (until 10+ pm). We're still friends though, even though she's engaged to someone I don't approve of (alas, my morals of not caring about other peoples' opinions comes to bite me in the ass). In fact she's excited that I'll be commuting to school for my remaining four semesters in my ten semester program since we'll be able to hang out more often.

 

Would I be inclined to date a close friend now? Thinking back on all of them, no. It would be too weird because we would start doing the romantic things that I previously thought we would never do as friends. Then there is the risk that if the relationship were to end on a bad note, we would lose a friendship that we otherwise would have never lost had we not gotten entangled in the chasm that is romance in the first place.

[Meeko]

Hey everyone,

 

I just thought it would be good to get people's thoughts on this. I have a friend(s) who I think may have for me, and I don't really feel the same way so I don't think it's necessarily an issue having to do with the fact that we're friends, but on the other hand, a big part of it is simply that I have a general hesitancy to date friends (well really it's not though, because I just don't feel that way, but in general I do have a hesitancy to date friends).

 

I mean I think that can potentially lead to some of the best relationships, but I also think it can screw up some really good friendships. Obviously I think that you should 'be friends' with anyone you date, and you should probably even feel that way about them a bit before you start dating, but as I'm sure most of you will agree there's this 'line' or something which after you cross it you know you're friends with that person and that it's not romantic...and of course there's the opposite line for once you're romantic with someone and not just friends, but in any case I think in general if you're both single and somewhat interested in dating you start relationships with people that aren't on the other side of either of those lines and move them over accordingly...at least that's sort of how I do it. When I meet someone I find attractive and interesting that's also available I think "Okay, so the possibility of dating this person is on the table" and then over time they cross into one of the two camps.

 

I dunno, maybe I'm just weird, and that's by no means the extent of my thoughts on the matter so I'll probably add more later, but what do you guys think about this in general?

 

Take care all,

Kevin

 

 

Here's how it is with me. If you were a really close friend, I would not date you. Just for the simple fact that I wouldn't ever want to lose you as a friend, due to any kind of relationship problems if thnigs lead to that. Then agian most of my very close friends are straight or girls, so who knows...

 

-Mike

[scoopny]

It really depends on the circumstance for me, I mean sure there are friends I've had for a very long time I wouldn't date. But on the other hand, I wouldn't rule anything out just because someone was a friend. But generally I'm not in favor of making rules of who you should and should not date. Sure you might get hurt, but that's the risk of any relationship and if you're not willing to get hurt, then you might miss out on something special as well.

[Michael H]

There is an old saying in carpentry that I believe applies to any serious decision.

Before you do anything, you measure twice and cut once.

Michael

Visit My Website

[FrenchCanadian]

Being best friend with someone wouldn't stop me from going out with him/her. Yes there might be risk for you to ruin a friendship, but you know the guy, so before doing something, you know before getting more involved if you're made for each other or not. In that case,, well it is worth it.

 

Also, if you were best of friends,, well you might simply decide to end up mutually before things gets bad,,,

[Drewbie]

Again I would have to say depends, I think if I knew for sure, and think it would last I would go for it.

[JamesSavik]

Who else would you date? Complete strangers?

 

And dating- what's a date? Two friends go to Barnes&Nobles, spend too much money, eat at Zoe's Diner and go home and watch DVDs until 2am. Was that a date or an ordinary weekend in the city?

[AFriendlyFace]

And dating- what's a date? Two friends go to Barnes&Nobles, spend too much money, eat at Zoe's Diner and go home and watch DVDs until 2am. Was that a date or an ordinary weekend in the city?

A date is what the two people consider a date. As far as I'm concerned you could sit together on the couch and stare at the wall for three hours and not say a word, but if the two of you decided to define it as a date and consider it as such then it's a date. So I definitely think your above scenario could be a date (and a fun one at that!), but it would depend on how each one interpreted it.

 

Two people who are in a relationship or have already decided that they're 'dating' would obviously consider the above a date. If two friends who regularly spend time together and define themselves as friends, then it certainly isn't. In the more ambiguous cases as far as I'm concerned the best way to handle it is if you think/want it to be a date to do the regular activities but get a tad physical. It could be something as innocent as briefly taking the other person's hand or giving them a quick kiss on the lips (or obviously it could be something less 'innocent'), but something to convey to them that you don't mean for the activities of the evening to be defined in a strictly platonic sense.

 

I don't think 'being physical', or asking the person out, or paying for something, or whatever is necessary for it to be a date as long as both parties have already decided it is indeed a date. I've gone on dates before that were very non-physical, in fact quite a bit less physical (in the affectionate, non-sexual way) than I would likely have spent the evening with a friend. However, they were still definitely 'dates' because we both knew they were.

 

Just my thoughts,

Kevin

[Daisy]

Revisting a slightly old topic.

 

I think you are right Kevin about the 'date' definition. One of my housemates has just decided tonight that she is going to try something with a friend of hers, but she was struggling with working out what they would be/doing as she doesnt want to say 'we are in a relationship' yet. but to her a 'date' was coffee or whatever and she has done that countless times and more with this guy, in her head she because she knew him very well it meant that she was somehow skipping the bit between initial attraction and serious relationship which she's not worked out if she totally wants/could work (it was him that started the idea). I tried to say what you did but not as well it turns out .

 

Myself, I didnt think dating friends would work, or I just felt so comfortable with my good friends as friends I just didnt imagine it as a possibility at all. but recently there is a good friend that I'm starting to like that way. Its suddenly crept up on me. but since its a girl and I'm not sure if even if it was possible that it would be something that could work (and I certainly don't want to lose her as a very good friend), its ruled out completely at the moment.

 

So I guess I'm learning what my positions are on all these types of questions at the moment .

Celia

[Menzoberranzen]

This is a topic that has come to have far too much relevance to my own life at the moment... Dating friends is logically not a good idea, but then again, matters of the heart are too rarely governed by logic. Life would much less complicated if we could just think rationally about realtionships.

 

Menzo (who's talking to himself...sorry)

[Razor]

This is a topic that has come to have far too much relevance to my own life at the moment... Dating friends is logically not a good idea, but then again, matters of the heart are too rarely governed by logic. Life would much less complicated if we could just think rationally about realtionships.

 

Menzo (who's talking to himself...sorry)

 

Why is it so bad of an idea, logically? I would think that logically it would be a good idea since you'd already know the person well and have a better understanding of how they work; it would be illogical that it doesn't work out so often.

 

Anyway, I really think I would want to be friends with someone before I started to seriously date them. I like having a base to build on, and the hardest part of a relationship is getting a smooth foundation going.

 

-Jamie (who would sex Menzo sideways, for his vocabulary alone)

[myself_i_must_remake]

my imagi-boy fantasies usually pan out with becoming great friends with someone, finding out he's gay, then having my way with him.

 

i think i favor this because once you know someone's gay, at least if you're in my situation where i meet so few, then there's immediate tension that for me does not resolve if i can't answer the date/willnotdate question.

 

i need to get over that, but it's just the way things are for me.

 

at any rate, the only way i could be myself is if i thought he was straight and that we could only be friends.

 

those other, more realistic issues - i haven't had the humbling experience of one blowing up in my face so i don't worry over them yet.

[steph]

Anyway, I really think I would want to be friends with someone before I started to seriously date them. I like having a base to build on, and the hardest part of a relationship is getting a smooth foundation going.

I think the issue is that if the relationship doesn't work out, it's hard to go back to being just friends. So, the question becomes... do you want to risk a good friendship for a potential relationship? Now maybe you're someone who can compartmentalize very easily. Me? I can't do that at all... but I tend to be a clingy, emotional person, so. .

[Razor]

I think the issue is that if the relationship doesn't work out, it's hard to go back to being just friends. So, the question becomes... do you want to risk a good friendship for a potential relationship? Now maybe you're someone who can compartmentalize very easily. Me? I can't do that at all... but I tend to be a clingy, emotional person, so. .

 

We're peas in a pod, darlin'. If the relationship doesn't work out, then yeah, I probably won't be friends with them anymore. It would depend on exact specifics in the relationship... but unless the other person was extremely mature and gentle about things, then it would definitely end in me forgetting they ever existed. I don't necessarily think that's a terrible thing... and if the friendship was really a strong friendship then I think it would stay in place.

 

I personally find the risk to be acceptable in that situation. If I have feelings for a person, they're not going to just magically disappear over the course of a few weeks. I won't be torturing myself being "friends" with someone I want to be more than my friend, either. ~shrug~ I guess the way I think about it is that if I do nothing, I'll probably end up losing them anyway because I'll start avoiding them more and more because it'd get to be awkward and kind of sad to be around them since I like them. Might as well try, at least, at that point.

[steph]

I personally find the risk to be acceptable in that situation. If I have feelings for a person, they're not going to just magically disappear over the course of a few weeks. I won't be torturing myself being "friends" with someone I want to be more than my friend, either. ~shrug~ I guess the way I think about it is that if I do nothing, I'll probably end up losing them anyway because I'll start avoiding them more and more because it'd get to be awkward and kind of sad to be around them since I like them. Might as well try, at least, at that point.

Point! I'm noticing that as I get older, I have less and less male friends than women friends. And mostly all of those guys are taken... just not by me . Of course, I'm not increasing my chances here on GA, but I'm learning that platonic friends are good for the soul and the older I get the harder those are to find.

Edited June 20, 2008 by steph291

[GaryK]

Anyway, I really think I would want to be friends with someone before I started to seriously date them. I like having a base to build on, and the hardest part of a relationship is getting a smooth foundation going.

I think the issue is that if the relationship doesn't work out, it's hard to go back to being just friends. So, the question becomes... do you want to risk a good friendship for a potential relationship? Now maybe you're someone who can compartmentalize very easily. Me? I can't do that at all... but I tend to be a clingy, emotional person, so. .

Jamie, I agree with you that become friends with someone before deciding whether to date them is a good idea. This is based solely on my own experience of falling in love with an older guy when I was 16. He wouldn't have sex with me until I turned 18, so in those two years we got to know each other really well and were fairly sure adding romance to the relationship would work out.

 

Steph, the first guy I had sex with was a friend of mine. After a while the sex thing just didn't work out, but we were never able to go back to being friends.

 

So I guess like anything when it comes to love there are risks no matter what you do. That shouldn't be a reason to not take a chance. Life is hardly worth living if you don't constantly challenge yourself, take risks, get hurt, learn and grow.

[Dion]

I dunno, maybe I'm just weird, and that's by no means the extent of my thoughts on the matter so I'll probably add more later, but what do you guys think about this in general?

It's a Very Bad Idea.

 

And you may be weird, Kev, but you're ours and we like you just fine.

 

Geez... how's that for pushing my opinion down other people's throats, huh? Sorry.

[AFriendlyFace]

It's a Very Bad Idea.

 

And you may be weird, Kev, but you're ours and we like you just fine.

 

Geez... how's that for pushing my opinion down other people's throats, huh? Sorry.

 

Thanks Dion! And we welcome your opinion. Of course I might be biased since it's also my opinion but all opinions are welcome!