'Mr Right'

[kitten]

In the absence of our beloved Kevin (I hope that he's okay!), I thought I'd try to introduce the sort of discussion topic that he has often done in the past....

 

Many times I've seen references to 'Mr Right', such as:

"I'm waiting for Mr Right"

"Maybe the next one will be Mr Right"

 

As with any word or phrase, it probably means different things to different people, and it's often difficult to know exactly what the person using that phrase has in mind. Maybe they don't have anything particular in mind and are just using it as a 'stock phrase' without thinking about what it really means to them.

 

Perhaps when they refer to Mr Right they mean merely the person they will fall in love with. Indeed, there have been several occasions when someone has described the characteristics they hope to find in a Mr Right, and then they fell in love with someone who has few, if any, of those characteristics. Love makes them either deliberately ignore the deficiencies or makes them completely blind to them.

 

Apart from the complication that falling in love can itself create 'Mr Right', and that people often fall in love with 'Mr Wrong', from the way this phrase is sometimes used, I wonder if there are not other potential pitfalls in the way some people conceptualise it. For example, sometimes it seems to imply that there is just one perfect/ideal guy (or a very small number of ideal guys ) for them somewhere 'out there'. If they really expect perfection then this implication will be true, and in fact the 'very small number' will be zero. In real life, perfection does not exist.

 

Even setting aside the idea of perfection, however, it is wrong to believe that there are a very small number of guys who will be 'Mr Right' for us. If that were true, then the chances of finding that guy, and finding him both available and interested in us, would be vanishingly small, so almost no one would ever find 'Mr Right'. Thus, in order for the concept to be at all useful, we need to realise that there are many potential 'Mr Rights' for us.

 

There are other possible dangers in the concept of Mr Right. For example, if we believe that a guy exists 'out there' who will be an ideal 'fit' for us, then why should we bother trying to make a relationship work until we find Mr Right 'out there'? And if he really is Mr Right, then surely we won't need to work very hard to build and maintain a relationship with him.

 

Also, given that there are indeed several potential 'Mr Rights' out there, none of whom are completely ideal or perfect, then it is likely that we might meet one 'Mr Right' and decide to build a relationship with him. What happens when we later meet another Mr Right, who we think is slightly less imperfect or a little more ideally suited for us?

 

These, in my opinion, are major flaws in the concept of Mr Right.

 

I believe that Mr Right does not exist out there. I believe that there are many potential Mr Rights with whom we can begin a relationship. I believe that by starting a relationship with a potential Mr Right and by working at that relationship, each of us can get closer to being the Mr Right for the other. Of course, that won't always work, and the relationship may well fail, but at least we will have tried for something real, instead of waiting for some mythical Mr Right to appear from 'out there'.

 

Now, I realise there are several holes in the above arguments. Many of those holes are because I haven't got an agreed definition of 'Mr Right'. However, depite that, I think that there are lots of potential problems with the concept of 'Mr Right' and that people should take care not to base important life choices on such a flawed concept.

 

(Hope Kevin is well and can get back online soon, cos I miss his posts and his interesting discussion topics!)

 

Kit

[Tiger]

I've always thought it was at least somewhat misleading. There are many potential partners out there. If there were only one, there would not be very many people in relationships at all, certainly not ones that become life-long couples. I think there are more bad matches than good matches though.

[MikeL]

A very interesting discussion, Kit. Thanks.

 

I would say the person whom we love is Mr. Right (or Ms. Right if you are so inclined). And, hopefully, that person will be right for a lifetime. I agree that we should spend less time defining our Mr. Right and put a lot more effort into making ourselves the right one for someone else.

 

My best wishes, too, to Kevin...hope to hear from him soon.

[Excuse]

He's out there... I'll find him eventually

 

lol

 

but I get what you're getting at... there is no "one" mr right, there maybe some perfect image of a guy or gal but I think that if there's a mutual erm... falling in love, then its right... even if it ends horribly wrong... it was right at the time... and life is so bitter and difficult that we shouldnt wait and over analyse and expect perfection, but grab love with both hands and not let go.

 

Oh and we should all give a loada love out as well

 

@ everyone!

just 'cos I'm in a good mood

[Graeme]

The concept of "Mr. Right" revolves around expectations. "Mr. Right" is a compilation of expectations of what we think we want.

 

As an analogy, when my wife and I were house hunting, we had a list of requirements for what we wanted. The place we bought had very few of them, but it had character -- something that was missing with most of the places we looked at. My wife feel in love with it from just the photograph and description in the newspaper (and she was the one that was a lot fussier than I was when we were looking around).

 

Expectations tend to be concrete things (blond, 6', washboard abs, rich, cute smile), while relationships are built around intangibles (emotions being the biggest one -- how do you define 'I'm really comfortable around him'?). That's the biggest flaw in the "Mr. Right" concept.

 

Having said that, Mr. Right is a dream, and dreams are important. They give us a goal to aim for, though sometimes goals can change. As happened with our house hunting, we had a goal that kept us looking until we found something completely different and changed our goal.

Edited September 23, 2008 by Graeme

[Daisy]

A very interesting discussion, Kit. Thanks.

 

I would say the person whom we love is Mr. Right (or Ms. Right if you are so inclined). And, hopefully, that person will be right for a lifetime. I agree that we should spend less time defining our Mr. Right and put a lot more effort into making ourselves the right one for someone else.My best wishes, too, to Kevin...hope to hear from him soon.

 

I think your right in that effort needs to be put into a relationship. it can't just happen it has to be nourished. but I also think its bad when a person has to change themselves too much to make themselves into the other person's (mr/ms right). and even small changes can be very bad for that person if it damages their personality. at the moment several of my friends are in relationships which they are in love with. one of whom describes her girlfriend as ms. right. but in mine and pretty much all of her friends opinions the relationship is having a detrimental effect on her. we've been patient, still are patient, but how this girl has changed to keep the relationship alive isnt healthy, nor is the actions that she is doing and what she is putting up with.

 

i think everyones right, we should have criteria of what we are looking for as a guide, but be openminded and give things chances, and work on problems. but changing for another person, im not sure about.

 

celia

[JamesSavik]

Mr. Right is one of those old wives tales designed to keep you looking past Mr. Right-now.

 

Get over it. None of us are getting any younger.

[clumber]

Mr. Right is one of those old wives tales designed to keep you looking past Mr. Right-now.

 

Get over it. None of us are getting any younger.

 

What a little ray of sunshine you are, James.

 

 

 

Personally, I think that there probably are "Mr. Rights" out there... but that a more suitable term would be "Mr Right-ish". They aren't perfect, but the important thing is that that doesn't matter.

 

Martin

[Former Member]

so i've noticed this topic back when it first came out and thought "mr Right? Ha Yeah Right!" But i was just being bitter for my own reasons as i still was not over The Ex. Thankfully i am now.

 

Do i believe there is just 1 Mr Right? No because you will fall in love with many people who you will think is THE ONE. I did this test once and it told me i would have 5 THE ONES. In the 2 relationships i have been in neither felt like THE ONE or anything remotely close i wasn't happy and they weren't good relationships and yet i felt i deserved it so i stayed.

 

I believe that when and if i do meet Mr. Right that he will not be this Perfect Greek God or something like that. In fact all my friends might hate him. But he will be perfect to me and hopefully i can be perfect to him. I do have an idea of things that i am looking for in a partner its nothing out of the ordinary or anything big. Just make me happy and understand me. Work with me as a team. My friends ask me why im not out there looking for Mr Right, there's days im waiting for him to find me. I think we will end up finding each other or something. (see im a complicated romantic).

 

Some people will spend there whole lives looking for Mr Right when he was Right there all along.

Best of luck in finding yours.

[Sarah]

It's strange how our lives often turn out.

 

I was 17 when I met my (now)husband, and when he asked me out, I went but didn't really think it would last beyond a couple of dates. I honestly didn't think he was my type, and so just saw the dates as a bit of fun. However, for reasons I still don't always know the answers to, we just seemed to get on really well and enjoyed being with each other. Now, 25 years on, we are still together.

The guy I went out with, before I went out with my husband, was somebody I was besotted with and when he asked me out, I was over the moon. I really thought he was 'the one', yet 3 months into the relationship, I finished with him because there was no chemistry between us.

 

You just never know when you will meet the right person for you.

 

Sarah

[David McLeod]

A very interesting discussion, Kit. Thanks.

 

I would say the person whom we love is Mr. Right (or Ms. Right if you are so inclined). And, hopefully, that person will be right for a lifetime. I agree that we should spend less time defining our Mr. Right and put a lot more effort into making ourselves the right one for someone else.

 

My best wishes, too, to Kevin...hope to hear from him soon.

 

Mike L: With regard to your notion of making ourselves into the "right one," I say, "right on." (Okay, the pun police may enter, stage right.) Seriously, you've made an important point. It's fantasy (my favorite genre) to expect that the right one is going to drop into our lives; it's reality that we have to both create ourselfes and actively search. (This isn't as insightful as I'd expected; I hope you are able to read beyone the platitudes.) David M.

[David McLeod]

Mr. Right is one of those old wives tales designed to keep you looking past Mr. Right-now.

 

Get over it. None of us are getting any younger.

 

 

I think you were maligned by at least one of the responses to your post. Admittedly, on the surface it's pragmatic (and a little bit pessimistic...perhaps sardonic). There's something to be said for "Mr. Right Now," if only in the courage to take a chance and find out if it's "real." Who was it? Teddy Roosevelt who said: It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat..."

 

There's no answer to that, I think.

David McLeod