I Screwed Up BIG!

[Daisy]

Has anyone Had Any Sucsess with romantic relationships with best friends, Or am I asking for trouble?

 

I'd point you to that real-life story that Jeremy recommended above, It Started With Brian, the answer was yes it was a success - eventually.

[Mark Arbour]

Disaster.

Lose the friend and the relationship.

 

You crack me up WBM!

 

I'm trying to decide who's more cynical, you or James (Savik)

[AFriendlyFace]

Another Update,

 

And now im confused, more than ever.

 

Well Drew and I are doing pretty well now as best friends again were pretty well unsepreable again.

I'm so glad that things have worked out on this front!

 

I told you I had a good feeling about it

 

Last night though he finally admitted to me that he "Loves me too!!" And I think he ment "Like That" But that he dose not know what to do with that, he says that relationships never work for him and he dosn't want to lose me or what we have. So it is kinda a bittersweet revelation, I seems we may both be in love with eachother but to paralized by fear to move past keeping the status quo.

Oh that really makes sense to me! That's kinda my attitude too. That's why I have a strict policy about not going down either a romantic or sexual road with friends.

 

Personally, romantic relationships aren't nearly as important to me as friendships. They come and go, and most of the time I'm fine either way. I always try to enjoy them, and if/when they do end I try to make it as positive a split as possible, but I very much put them on a much lower plane than I do my close friendships. Roughly speaking my attitude can be summed up as, "Boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever." Dating and sex are great, but a true friendship is better. Of course I'm open to changing that stance if the right person comes along. By and large though I'm content with casual boyfriends and deep, close friends.

 

For me when I first meet someone there are two very distinct paths the relationship can go down. We can be friends or we can be lovers. Obviously if we're lovers we're friends as well, but for me I pretty much need the lover/romantic/sexual aspect to develop first. That's not to say that I need to have sex with someone right away if I'm going to be romantic with them, but I do need for things to be sexual (at least playful and flirtatious) and overtly romantic. It has to be clear to me that we're on a date and not just hanging out as buds.

 

I think I'm sort of in the minority in this. I think most people prefer the "friends first" thing when developing a relationship, but personally I'm really more comfortable with it being overtly romantic.

 

To date I've never developed a romantic or sexual relationship with someone I first and primarily considered a friend. In contrast, I've developed several friendships with people I at one time had a romantic relationship with that didn't work out. However, with one exception that I'd be interested in trying again with, once the romantic door closed and the friendship door opened I came to view possible future romance as highly unlikely. Even with this one exception, though we were emotionally close as boyfriends we haven't been that close as friends, and that's probably the only reason I still consider him a good possibility.

 

For me "friendcest" is just not something I'm comfortable doing.

 

So, I guess I'm not sure how I feel. I would still like to try a relationship, but at the sametime i don't want to lose what we have, he is my best friend and soal mate and he can be that with out a relationship if need be. So im back to being confused, but a bit happyer these days.

 

Even if i am missing the phenominal sex. lol

 

You know, that might actually be a good starting point if you really want to pursue this. I very actively avoid sexual contact with my friends, but I think that if it had already happened once in the past, I'd be much more willing to do it again. From my perspective I would be able to step back and look at it and say, "hmm, we had sex once before and we're still good friends. Maybe a sexual relationship with this person is possible." If there were very strong and clear guidelines and ground rules I might consider it.

 

From there it wouldn't be as hard to theoretically seduce me into a relationship. It would simply take gradually discussing the ground rules with me and slowly - and mutually - changing them into things that increasingly approximated an actual romantic relationship yet didn't set off any alarms in terms of my comfort with the situation. For example as a best friend whom I also had sex with, I could probably be talked into going "as a date" to some sort of function. It would have to be one of those "in name only, platonic" sort of dates, but if it worked out and we did it a couple of times, I'd probably be willing to do increasingly datish things and eventually to try an "official date." If that worked out then I'd be happy to re-negotiate the terms of our relationship and start to define us as actual boyfriends (and from there "serious boyfriends" and eventually "life partners" if everything kept progressing in the right direction).

 

What would be needed, for me, is assurances all along the way that it was our friendship that was of primary importance, as well as a solemn vow to maintain the friendship even if the sexual, and eventual romantic aspect of the relationship died.

 

Simply put, if I'm not scared of wrecking the friendship, and the progression to full out, serious couple, is very gradual, then I'd probably be willing to try a serious relationship with a close friend.

 

Of course maybe your friend is very different from me, but it sounds like we have at least a few things in common, so I thought I'd give you my perspective.

 

Regardless, at least you have the friendship back, and I think that's the most important thing

 

 

-Kevin

Edited May 26, 2009 by AFriendlyFace

[Nicholas J. Covington]

I'd point you to that real-life story that Jeremy recommended above, It Started With Brian, the answer was yes it was a success - eventually.

 

 

Ok so far it is a interesting story but it just scares me.

 

I am so lucky that dose not mirror my and Drew's relationship. for the most part we have both been happy.

 

Plus I find my self feeling so bad for sam as he seems to be misrable much more often than he allows himself to be happy. Granted I'm only to chapter 21. But seeing as it is an auto-biographical story, I can't imagine being misrable most of my life and then dying young, It makes me sad, just reading it, and i feel bad for "Chris" and "Brian" but espessally "Sam".

[Daisy]

Ok so far it is a interesting story but it just scares me.

 

I am so lucky that dose not mirror my and Drew's relationship. for the most part we have both been happy.

 

Plus I find my self feeling so bad for sam as he seems to be misrable much more often than he allows himself to be happy. Granted I'm only to chapter 21. But seeing as it is an auto-biographical story, I can't imagine being misrable most of my life and then dying young, It makes me sad, just reading it, and i feel bad for "Chris" and "Brian" but espessally "Sam".

 

yeah it is a really sad story. but maybe it is a good thing to be scared, i.e. don't waste life and happiness. make it work, or allow chances. I don't want to spoiler the story, but I suppose I have already done that above - anyway, go over to Adam Phillips' yahoo group, the guy who is finishing the story. They always are discussing things like this, but after the latest chapter release they got into a discussion of love and what the point of the story was from Sam's perspective, but also Brian (or John) and others chipped in about it as well - from their perspective about love being important enough and satisfying enough to go for it rather than live without it, even with all the pain it can bring. But then, every situation and couple is different. and in my life I haven't worked out these things either. good luck with whatever happens with you and Drew.

 

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Adamstories/message/18381

 

celia

Edited May 28, 2009 by Smarties

[Nicholas J. Covington]

**Update**

God Im in LOVE!!!

 

OMG - Drew came over last night, We Made Love again for only the 2nd time, and then he held me all night, My god it felt so right. Like all was right in the world and I never felt more at peace.

 

We have talked about him moving in when his lease is up next month.

 

Im so excited but a little scared, We both 28 have been best freinds, since the 4th grade went to the same university and everything we have even lived togeter before a few times as roomates but, This is the first time were going to be lovers and I am as excited as hell but still a little scared.

 

EEeee! Wish Us Luck.

[Former Member]

Good luck Nicholas. I hope things work out for both of you.

[Prince Duchess]

Aww good luuck

[DragonFire]

It's like having a happy ending in a soap opera. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does you savour it. Good luck man.

[Nicholas J. Covington]

Aww, Thanks guys for the support and thanks for listening to all my rambelings these last few weeks. It has helped alot as me and drew worked through our fears especially when Drew took a break to clear his head and I felt so alone and lost. It really helped to come here and share.