[DomLuka] Lasting

[Jaydee]

This thread is about things that we've learned or taken away from Dom's stories that rattle us or maybe change our outlook on things for us. Obviously, it varies considerably from person to person... But I think it is something worth delving into. If it doesn't make much traction in the Dom forum, that's fine. I just need to get this out.

 

 

I've come to the realization that Desert Dropping has made me a better person. It's difficult to explain. But I think it's true. People are open books to me. I know what they're thinking and why. But I think I have a deeper philosophical appreciation for motivations and the real 'why' people think the way they do. I know DD is just a story and there is so much more depth in reality, but it inspired me look at the bigger picture with a focus I haven't done before.

 

If nothing else, it really makes me want to come out and face the music. If it wasn't for my mom, I think that I would. But I think that the only way she'll be able to take it is if she works it out herself. It's only me and her left in our family now... and we're so close. Me and my mom are somewhere between Aiden and his mom and Rory and his mom. I think I might tell her over the summer if she doesn't work it out. 23yrs is quite enough I think.

My mom drinks, a lot. I've been picking up the pieces since I was 10, when my dad died. I used to her bottles for her before that. It got worse as my brother was died.... and she has so much guilt and pain over that. She sees my life unfolding and it kills her to think about my brother's not. It is so similar to TLW that I can't even express it. At my most empathetic, she's made it so vivid to me that she has nothing to live for but me and seeing my family grow; seeing me get married and have kids. She used to be so bitter about me forcing her to have something to live for.. not so much anymore. I've always kind of felt that I am going to be taking that away from her. She is very very self-centered and is very controlling. She is also incredibly smart and uses it to help me make decisions that are 'best for me'.

But, DD put some stuff into perspective. My mom nearly married a guy who was later discovered to be gay. He died.. of aids. His wife died a couple years later of cancer. My mom told me that gay men shouldn't pretend. It's so damaging to everyone... loveless marriages and lies and emptiness. Wasted lives. She told me this. Not in so many words, but this is what she thinks.

And for the last couple days, I haven't been able to stop thinking about DD. The line Eddie used at one point, which was something like: "I wasn't the love of your mom's life. You were." really struck a cord with me. My mom would do anything for me... for my good. She wants me to be happy. Generally, she thinks a pretty, smart wife and proper investments provide this. But.. she's not too old to learn better.

Everything that she wants... the wife, the grandkids, the nuclear family... it's all stuff that I'm expected to be happy with and want. I want kids, so desperately. I want a family. I want all of that. I need it. And she knows it. But DD shook me up. Does my mom want me to have the life she envisions for me? Or does she want me to find a way to be happy? The latter is a derivative of the former... she will not appreciate this fact at first. I know that much. Would it occur to her that I'd need her more, being a gay son than if I went out into the straight-run world as a straight son? I doubt it. She is in serious denial. I'm pretty damn gay. All of 3 people know in the real world and I've done nothing (much) with guys... but I'm seriously friggin gay. I do her hair. I choose her clothes. How much of a surprise is it going to be?

 

My mom is all that matters to me. And I resent her for it. I wonder if my mom would be like Rory's mom.. I wonder if her mom would have been like Alice. I doubt that my grandmother would have been that cool. My grandmother loved me intensely, but she was old school. Out of 13 or so grandkids, she left me more than all the others put together.. and I'm the only one she liked to talk to and trusted to take care of things, despite being the absolute youngest. I'm the only one who liked to talk to her. Maybe I should start deluding myself into thinking she'd have been like Alice. She's dead now, so it's not like I'm ever going to have to deal with the truth of it.

I know my mom is almost exactly like Aidan's mom.. in every single way. But the similarities between Aidan's and Rory's mom's is that they both loved their sons and never held them being gay against them. I think my mom should still have quite a few years ahead of her, but I think I need her to know the truth. It's something I need.

 

Man... I'm watching tv on mute... ugly guy and hot girl... I'd still rather do the ugly guy. I need to be out, like 5 years ago.

oh no... a girls gone wild commercial... ick.

Edited March 22, 2009 by John Dorian

[NaperVic]

This thread is about things that we've learned or taken away from Dom's stories that rattle us or maybe change our outlook on things for us.

 

Hi John, great thread. For me, it's hard to quantify what I've learned or taken away. I will say though that Dom's writing (and the hours I've spent reading his stories) has had a big impact on my life. I've just enjoyed reading his work (repeatedly in most cases) and enjoyed being part of the Domluka franchise these 4+ years.

 

I wish I would have been able to read TLW, TOU, & DD when I was 'coming of age'....

 

TOU teaches that 'there's nothing wrong with you'.. a message that any young gay person could use.

TLW teaches about friendship (both giving and receiving)

& DD teaches about not sleeping with the first pretty boy who gives you attention ( *CoughAaronCough*)

 

 

I wish I had some words of wisdom on your dilemna with your mom. Good luck with her.

 

Take Care®,

 

Vic

[Jaydee]

I wish I had some words of wisdom on your dilemna with your mom. Good luck with her.

 

Thanks Vic! I think I have things sorted out as to how I want to deal with my mom. Ironically, the same day that I made this thread, my only gay friend came over and he was really stressed out. He said that we needed to talk which naturally had me going for a shower, and suspecting he wanted to confess to wanting his way with me. But... as it turned out, his ex came out and his life immediately turned to shit. His aunt forced him to move out and his parents told him that "they need time, but they still love him" which is total BS to me. Anyway... this had my friend stressed out. I know that with the broader family, I would have all sorts of problems. But I don't think that me telling my mom is connected to all that. Just because she knows doesn't mean that everyone and their cat has to know.. so I think I am going to stick to the plan..... maybe.

 

I'm kinda lucky with Dom's stories in a sense. I just joined, so I have the advantage of totally pillaging everything at once. I did that with Harry Potter too. I started reading all the books 2 months before Deathly Hallows came out. And so far, with Dom, it feels like his crowning achievement (in my eyes, anyway) is DD. So... I feel pretty good. I love that the chapters keep coming though! It makes me check every couple hours, even when I am in class... I check on my phone.

I started With Trust on Sunday at 2am and finished at 11.30am... I am soooooo addicted to everything Dom!!!

[painservedcold]

Hurray for thread necromancy, yeah?

 

Lasting...its cliche, but reading DD made me look at my relationship again, especially when Rory and Seth were facing the possibility of having a whole state separating them, making the ability to physically be with each other impossible...

Its stupid in a stupid way (how redundant is that, but then that's long distance love for you.)

I can see so much of Seth in my semi-partially-separated-ex that I'm still with. He's always been sweet and caring and always looking out for me even when he's mad at me. Hell, he even kinda looks like Seth in my head, with the hair anyways. I just look at him and I think about what Seth said in DD, about how they'll not find anyone while they're apart if Rory left for Nevada again, and that if they did then they'd cross that bridge when they got there... I think about whether he'd be able to come back to me the way Seth seemed so certain he could, and it worries me that after half a decade I can't actually answer that question.

I guess its because I see so much of Aaron in him too; even when he's treating me like I'm the only thing in the world to him, part of me wonders if its just because I'm "available" and he needs someone to boost his ego and be his "boyfriend". He's always gotten some kind of perverse pleasure in making fun of me, but I always thought it was in jest and he was just killing the tension...maybe it was his way of telling me to let go and leave him alone? I'd hate to think that it was all a lie though, but I can't seem to shake that thought from my mind, especially of late...

Awww hell, who am I kidding? I'm nowhere near able to decide stuff like this, I can't even explain to myself what I feel for him right now, much less try to analyze what he feels about me. But dragging this back on topic, Rory's whole situation, while not identical, was similar enough to make me question and wonder about my own admittedly bizarre, self-inflicted position.

[Jaydee]

I get what you mean.. I can see a little Aaron in your psuedo-ex's persona. But.. he hasn't exactly tormented you or stuck you in jail... yet... so I'd just stay friends with the guy and see what happens in the years to come.

 

Dom is sooo good at making his characters seem real that you can relate to them like you can a best friend.

[painservedcold]

looool, no, he hasn't got me in jail yet, but Aaron didn't send Rory to jail either my dear man.

That's quite easily the best advice I've gotten about him in 5 years, including the convoluted garbage that pops out of my own head.

 

Yes, Domluka most definately has a way of making his characters seem real and easy to relate too, its why I love his stories so much.

[Linxe Termoil]

Have you ever had one of those feelings when you first meet someone, where the world seems to stop for a second? I

[Jaydee]

That's a good quote... I remember that part vividly... I read it a few times myself!

 

I don't think I've ever had that feeling with anyone, unfortunately... I haven't seen anyone and known that something significant was going to come of this..

 

But it does sound pretty juicy!! Good Luck!!

[JayTX]

John,

 

It is only recently that I have been spending time reading the stories posted at Gay Authors, and I feel fortunate that I seem to have been pulled toward Dom's writing to start. So far I have read three of his stories and, The Lo/n/g Way and Desert Dropping have really left an impact on me.

 

As an older gay man, I sometimes buy into the guilt that got thrown around a couple of years ago in a 'fan' group of an older man who writes a series of stories about gay teens ... both the author, who is older than a teen yet younger than me, and his readers who are older were accused of 'preying' on teens by writing/wanting to read stories with a focus on teens. Yeah, I know it is a bogus claim, but it still left a dent on my mind. But what I take away from these stories is a healing for the opportunities lost forever to me - opportunities and situations that occur in the stories that would have been so great to have experienced when I was that age. They allow me, at least in some small way, to reframe the experiences I have had and at least let go some of the anger I have for the miserable circumstances I lived through myself as a teen.

 

I have just finished the last chapter of Desert Dropping today. Parts of it were hard for me to get through. I was raised by a single mother (starting in 1954) and never knew my father, like Rory. I can't say why I never asked my mother much about my father ... maybe because there wasn't much discussion of anything in my family, period! My grandmother kept me while my mother worked; maybe her repeatedly telling me that my father was a worthless, drunk, SOB and that I would never be anything any better put me off, even if I didn't exactly understand what a worthless, drunk, SOB was when she first started telling me this. I don't know why after starting public school and having some contact with other kids who obviously had fathers I didn't gain any curiosity and question my mother. When my mother actually brought it up, after I was in high school, I was just embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it. I have always thought I was really warped to not want to get in touch with my father, but, like Rory, I just really seemed to be happy with only a mother. I was talking with a friend of my mother just last week and I told her I feel really strange that I never was interested in knowing anything about my father. Ironically, my father died in 2001 in a hospital less than 2 miles from my apartment. Maybe if I had known he was in the hospital that close to me, I would have gone and seen him while I could. Unlike Rory, I am glad my mother didn't die when I was 16 as that would not have precipitated any kind of reunion with my dad, and as bad as my life was from 16 to my mid-20's, it certainly could have been worse if I had been in the sole custody of my grandmother. I have told my partner he must read Desert Dropping, that he will see why I have been sitting at my computer crying a lot the past few days.

 

About coming out to your mother ... I lived at home until I was 23. I continued to allow my mother and grandmother to control my life even after I moved out on my own until I was 26. I came out to my mother at 25 and she took it very badly. Our relationship deteriorated even more that year and I ended up moving away with no forwarding address, so for 9 months our communication was only through my aunts (her sisters), who did know where I was and even came to visit me. Lots more drama was going on in my life at the time, so I will never really be sure whether she was distressed just for the fact that I was gay or was mostly upset at how badly I was (mis)managing my life. At the end of that year I met my partner (we will celebrate our 27th year together in December). It took her a while to warm up to him, but she even took us with her to her church and introduced him as "her other son". She passed away unexpectedly last Christmas Eve and I honestly think that the last 10 years of her life, my partner was closer to her and a better son to her than I was, and she loved every minute of their interactions. So, coming out may be a difficult time for you, but I hope that you will be able to get past any initial bad reaction and resume a close relationship with your mother.

 

Jay