How to make up with someone PART 2

[miker33]

Hi,

 

The last entry I post was not detailed enough. This entry will be detailed enough. The person who I broke up with was my ex bf, Ryan. The person who I am in love with and still with is my girlfriend, Tara. Ryan and I know each other since we grew up together. Ryan and I are best friends since early years in elementary school. It wasn't until we were in our teens that we became boyfriends. When we first were dating, Ryan was sweet, caring, kind and understanding. But, about near the end of 2007 to early 2008, Ryan wasn't the same Ryan I know. Ryan changed, and I didn't really like the changed Ryan. He just got angry at people, espeically me for no reasons. But, mostly towards me, he often said hurtful comments, and lashed me out when I have tried to help him with how he feels and his other issues. I couldn't take his hurtful comments towards me anymore, so yeah. Before we broke up, I told Ryan that he can tell me or someone about how he feels and his other issues, but instead of accepting my help, he just lashed me out. My life without Ryan is still painful, and it sucked a lot. One of my friends told me that Ryan went into emotional turmoil, and has to go see a counselor about his emotions and his other issues about 5 months ago, I believe. So far, I have heard that Ryan is making good progresses since seeing his counselor. I am still hoping that he will continue to make good progresses.

I wanted to make up with Ryan because I can't throw away our friendship. I can't imagine my life without Ryan. Someone asked me two questions even though I am still Tara, 1) if I make up with Ryan, will I f**k him and 2) is it part of my plan, bringing him back into my life so I can have a guy to "play" with. The answer to both of this questions is NO. I am NOT IN LOVE with Ryan, but I do love him AS A FRIEND. There's a BIG difference between "in love" and "love." I just wanted to tell him that I forgive him for hurtful comments and hurting me a lot and that if we can be friends again. I just wanted to tell him that I do not want to throw away our friendship, and that I love him as a friend and always be there for him. I've miss him a lot. I just hope that he will accept to be my friend again. Hopefully, best friends. I know that it will take some time. So, now, you know the whole story and I hope that you guys didn't think of me too badly.

 

 

[Kia Zi Shiru]

dude, some people just don't want to have any contact with their exes.... no matter how much you want it, the possibility is there that he doesn't want to. And you have to accept that. You can't force him to become friends with you, just let him go if that is what he wants.

 

And don't start on wanting excuses from him, if he feels like they are in place he will give them, if he thinks that he doesn't need to give them he won't and you should also respect that.

[Prince Duchess]

I'm gonna agree with Kia here. He may not wanna see you anymore as a friend too much hurt for him because you all did have something before and you left him. Regardless of the reason, so just let him go and go about your life. Honestly, looking at his stand point maybe there were things going wrong with him he didnt know how to explain to you and as a result closed himself up from you but either way. He doesnt want contact back with you.

[Y_B]

Thanks for the additional information, but what I said before still stands. I kinda agree with Kia and PD above. Although I think it's a little silly to hold a grudge against an ex, there really isn't much you can accomplish by applying pressure. Let him know you still love him as a friend, give him space, and let him meet you halfway.

 

Also, I'm curious as to whether the fact that you broke up with him for another girl might have played a little role in this upset. I mean, I know that sometimes a girl gets more flustered if her boyfriend leaves her for another guy. Maybe it similar in reserve.

[miker33]

Thanks for the additional information, but what I said before still stands. I kinda agree with Kia and PD above. Although I think it's a little silly to hold a grudge against an ex, there really isn't much you can accomplish by applying pressure. Let him know you still love him as a friend, give him space, and let him meet you halfway.

 

Also, I'm curious as to whether the fact that you broke up with him for another girl might have played a little role in this upset. I mean, I know that sometimes a girl gets more flustered if her boyfriend leaves her for another guy. Maybe it similar in reserve.

 

 

Actually, I didn't date Tara after I broke up with Ryan. It was a couple of months later that I started dating Tara. I just held my hope that he will talk to someone about his feeling and his issues, if he doesn't want to talk to me about them, and I've tried to talk to him few times after we broke up, because I really wanted to be there for him. I am planning to talk to him in person, and see how things goes. I will let you know how it goes.

[miker33]

dude, some people just don't want to have any contact with their exes.... no matter how much you want it, the possibility is there that he doesn't want to. And you have to accept that. You can't force him to become friends with you, just let him go if that is what he wants.

 

And don't start on wanting excuses from him, if he feels like they are in place he will give them, if he thinks that he doesn't need to give them he won't and you should also respect that.

 

 

Obviously, you don't really understand what I'm trying to say in there. Anyways, I am not expecting the excuses from him. I am planning to talk to him soon and see how it goes there. I heard that Ryan asked one of our friends how was I, and apparently, it seems like that we really need to talk as soon as possible. Besides, if he doesn't want to be friends with me again, then I have to accept and move on. He's trying hard to deal with his emotions and his feelings and I'm proud of him for that. I was there for him all the time, even while we broke up, but he still refused to accept my help or support, so I was hurt, so I decided to give him some space. So yeah.

[miker33]

I'm gonna agree with Kia here. He may not wanna see you anymore as a friend too much hurt for him because you all did have something before and you left him. Regardless of the reason, so just let him go and go about your life. Honestly, looking at his stand point maybe there were things going wrong with him he didnt know how to explain to you and as a result closed himself up from you but either way. He doesnt want contact back with you.

 

Anyways, I kind of disagree with you what you said. But, I do see your point. Anyways, I didn't really left him after we broke up- I haven't dated Tara after Ryan and I broke up. It just happened couple of months later. I tried to talk to him few times after we broke up, but he lashed me out, so I decided to give him some space because it seems like that's what he needed. So, don't blame me, please- I've tried my hardest to talk to him repeatedly, but no avail. This weekend, I am planning to talk to him and work things out. I was still there for Ryan, while we aren't speaking, by talking to Ryan's and my friends to get updates on him and give advices to my friends to pass along to Ryan. So yeah.

[paya]

Obviously, you don't really understand what I'm trying to say in there. Anyways, I am not expecting the excuses from him. I am planning to talk to him soon and see how it goes there. I heard that Ryan asked one of our friends how was I, and apparently, it seems like that we really need to talk as soon as possible. Besides, if he doesn't want to be friends with me again, then I have to accept and move on. He's trying hard to deal with his emotions and his feelings and I'm proud of him for that. I was there for him all the time, even while we broke up, but he still refused to accept my help or support, so I was hurt, so I decided to give him some space. So yeah.

It seems to me that you don't know why his behaviour changed, do you? It looks like the reason you broke up... So if he doesn't want to talk about it, you have only a few options. You can let him be, take his time and wait if he'll feel like talking to you about it. You can send him signals that you're here for him, but you can't tell him "I forgive you all those things you did to me." Because with that you're throwing all the dirt in to his face again - and that can have a negative impact on his will to talk to you. If he agrees to meet with you or to talk to you, you can tell him that you're sorry how the things between you turned out but that you're over the past and you want to start again - or to link to the good that was between you. But if you expect him to be sorry or to apologize for what he has done, well, you have to start with your own apology. It may not seem right or just to you but that's how it goes - you want him back, not vice versa. So he has to make the first step - to go to see (and talk to) you and then it's your turn to show him that you're not hurt anymore BUT without hurting him again... If you know why his behaviour changed, that's another story.

 

 

[AFriendlyFace]

I have some thoughts.

 

I can understand how it must be painful for you to lose such a long term relationship. However, in my opinion, it's probably best for both of you if you just move on and deal with your own issues separately. After so long together there was probably something of a co-dependent element to the relationship. You indicated that he's doing well now right? And that he's making a lot of progress and dealing with his emotions. In that case it sounds like you don't need to worry about him, and that he truly isn't your responsibility anymore. By the same token, you're doing okay and you're in a new relationship now; you're no longer his responsibility.

 

I think after so long together it would be difficult to have a relationship without a great deal of baggage. This is only my opinion, but I think he might be better off and better able to handle his problems without all that baggage in his face. By the same token, I would speculate that you'll have an easier time of it with some distance as well. I also suspect that it's better for your current relationship to keep the ex at bay for now. I'm not a very jealous person at all, but I think your situation is one in which I truly would prefer my significant other to avoid spending time with their ex. It's not that you and Ryan getting back together or messing around is a likely outcome, it's just that you both run the risk of being hurt and having a lot of confusing feelings resurface.

 

Of course you still care about each other and are inquiring about the other person through mutual friends; that's only normal. After so long together of course you're going to care and of course you're going to be curious. My recommendation is to leave it at curiosity though.

 

I think it could be very good if you explicitly make it clear to Ryan that you forgive him. I think it could be really good for him and really good for you. Just because your forgive him though, and let go of some of that inevitable baggage and bitterness doesn't mean you guys should necessarily become friends again though. My advice would be to write him a letter or something and forgive him that way. If anything talk to him in person or by phone one more time. I think the forgiveness part is great and advisable. Just be careful how you handle it. Try to avoid blaming him for anything and take responsibility for things yourself. Maybe something along the lines of, "I'm really sorry about all the bad things that happened between us, and I'm really grateful for all the good things. Please know that no matter what happens I'll always have a lot of happy memories of the time we spent together and I'll always care about you. Please forgive me for anything I may have done that hurt you or made things tough for you. Please also know that I forgive you for anything you did which hurt me." Of course you'd have to personalize it to suit your own situation.

 

Anyway, point is I just wouldn't personally recommend a friendship for you guys right now. If anything give it three or four years. At that point it would be easier to start on a completely fresh, new page. In the meantime just be grateful for what you had and be happy about the good stuff in your own life and the good stuff in his life.

 

Of course all of that is just my personal opinion and advice. I get the impression that you're going to do what you want anyway, and that's fine since this is your situation and you're the one responsible for it. I just wanted to give you my own perspective since you posted this and since I found your situation moving and thought-provoking. I hope nothing I said was out of line

 

 

Good luck, dude.

 

-Kevin

Edited October 1, 2009 by AFriendlyFace

[Ashi]

Even if you wanted to contact Ryan again, it has to be when he is ready.

 

I don't know the entire situation nor I know Ryan personally, but I think sometimes when people lashed out at people, they were angry at themselves and too shameful to admit. Your very presence is enough to trigger his anger, and made him even more mad at himself. Both of you would get hurt though it's neither of your desire to do so.

 

Learn to move on in the mean time. I've been through something similar and I don't want you to waste your youth like I did. If he came back, let it be a pleasant surprise rather than feeling sorry for yourself, which will affect your physical health and appearance (and people will stay away from you and your frowning face). Easier said than done, I know, but please try.

 

I left someone alone once, just because I believe it's the best interest for him that I should stop bothering him, but he got hurt. Not everyone takes the situation the same way. I think only you know what kind of person Ryan is, but since he changed so much.... Is it possible he realized he wasn't gay? Just brainstorming stuff here.

 

I'm not a psychiatrist, so please take my opinion with a grain of salt. Everything I said is merely a possibility.

[miker33]

Even if you wanted to contact Ryan again, it has to be when he is ready.

 

I don't know the entire situation nor I know Ryan personally, but I think sometimes when people lashed out at people, they were angry at themselves and too shameful to admit. Your very presence is enough to trigger his anger, and made him even more mad at himself. Both of you would get hurt though it's neither of your desire to do so.

 

Learn to move on in the mean time. I've been through something similar and I don't want you to waste your youth like I did. If he came back, let it be a pleasant surprise rather than feeling sorry for yourself, which will affect your physical health and appearance (and people will stay away from you and your frowning face). Easier said than done, I know, but please try.

 

I left someone alone once, just because I believe it's the best interest for him that I should stop bothering him, but he got hurt. Not everyone takes the situation the same way. I think only you know what kind of person Ryan is, but since he changed so much.... Is it possible he realized he wasn't gay? Just brainstorming stuff here.

 

I'm not a psychiatrist, so please take my opinion with a grain of salt. Everything I said is merely a possibility.

 

 

Hi, I understand what you are saying. Well, there was a friend's party one weekend, when I went home for a weekend, I saw Ryan there and it was a surprise to me. I just leave him alone, and I didn't talk to him until he feels comfortable and ready to talk to me. But, I was more surprised when he saw me and said, "hey, how are you doing?" and we just made a small talk on that day. But, we had a long serious talk next day. We are just acquaintance for now, we need to work on friendship, it just take some time. But, it feels good to talk to him...