Twisted Christmas Carols

[JamesSavik]

Christmas at Ground Zero

 

It's Christmas at ground zero

There's music in the air

The sleigh bells are ringing and the carolers are singing

While the air raid sirens blare

 

It's Christmas at ground zero

The button has been pressed

The radio just let us know

That this is not a test

 

Everywhere the atom bombs are dropping

It's the end of all humanity

No more time for last-minute shopping

It's time to face your final destiny

 

It's Christmas at ground zero

There's panic in the crowd

We can dodge debris while we trim the tree

Underneath a mushroom cloud

 

You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop

Or Jack Frost on your windowsill

But if someone's climbing down your chimney

You better load your gun and shoot to kill

 

It's Christmas at ground zero

And if the radiation level's okay

I'll go out with you and see all the new

Mutations on New Year's Day

 

It's Christmas at ground zero

Just seconds left to go

I'll duck and cover with my Yuletide lover

Underneath the mistletoe

 

It's Christmas at ground zero

Now the missiles are on their way

What a crazy fluke, we're gonna get nuked

On this jolly holiday

 

What a crazy fluke, we're gonna get nuked

On this jolly holiday

 

 

________________________________________

 

 

Down in the workshop all the elves were making toys

For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys

When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death

Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath

From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo

Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo

And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye

"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

 

The night Santa went crazy

The night Saint Nick went insane

Realized he'd been getting the RAW deal

Somethin' finally must've snapped in his brain

 

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it

Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet

And he tied up his helpers, and he held the elves hostage

And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage

He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger

And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger

And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbecued Blitzen

And he took a big bite and said "It tastes just like chicken!"

 

The night Santa went crazy

The night Kris Kringle went nuts

Now, ya can't hardly walk around the North Pole

Without steppin' in reindeer guts

 

There's the National Guard and the FBI

There's a van from the Eyewitness News

In a helicopter circlin' 'round in the sky

And the bullets are flying the body count's rising

And everyone's dying to know -"Oh Santa, why?"

My, my, my, my, my, my - you used to be such a jolly guy.

 

Yes Virginia, now Santa's doing time

In a Federal prison for his infamous crime

Hey little friend now, don't you cry no more tears

He'll be out on good behaviour in seven hundred more years.

 

But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous

And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service

And they say Mrs. Claus she's on the phone every night

With a lawyer negotiating the movie rights.

(They talk about)

 

The night Santa went crazy

The night Saint Nicholas flipped

Broke his back for some milk and cookies

Sounds to me like he was tired of getting gypped

 

Wo, The night Santa went crazy

The night Saint Nick went insane

Realized he'd been gettin' the RAW deal

Somethin' finally must've snapped in his brain

Wo, Somethin' finally must've snapped in his brain

Tell ya, somethin' finally must've snapped in his brain.

[JamesSavik]

O Holy Crap!

 

 

O Holy Crap! My family is driving me crazy,

It is the night of the retailers wet dreams.

Long will I pay on credit cards revolving,

Till all of this crap has no worth.

X-box, laptops, cell phones and cat calendars,

Why must we buy, this crap so aggravating?

In hopes of a glorious morning,

Marred by crying of tots over batteries forgotten,

It's rotten, so rotten and mean, so very mean.

 

Fall on your knees! beg for a credit limit extension!

O night debased, the night when Christ was born;

O night, O Holy Night , O night debased!

Crass materialism is born!

[BlueSoxSWJ]

I think this one's plenty twisted on its own:

 

I really can't stay

(but baby it's cold outside)

I've got to go away

(but baby it's cold outside)

This evening has been

(been hoping that you'd drop in)

So very nice

(i'll hold your hands, they're just like ice)

My mother will start worry

(beautiful whats your hurry)

My father will be pacing the floor

(listen to the fireplace roar)

So really i'd better scurry

(beautiful please don't hurry)

but maybe just a half a drink more

(put some records on while i pour)

the neighbors might faint

(baby it's bad out there)

say what's in this drink

(no cabs to be had out there)

i wish i knew how

(your eyes are like starlight now)

to break this spell

(i'll take your hat, your hair looks swell)

i ought to say "no, no, no sir"

(mind if i move in closer)

at least i'm gonna say that i tried

(what's the sense in hurtin' my pride)

i really can't stay

(oh baby don't hold out)

 

both:baby it's cold out side

 

i simply must go

(but baby it's cold outside)

the answer is no

(but baby it's cold outside)

your welcome has been

(how lucky that you dropped in)

so nice and warm

(look out the window at that storm)

my sister will be suspicious

(gosh your lips look delicious)

my brother will be there at the door

(waves upon the tropical shore)

my maiden aunts mind is vicious

(gosh your lips are delicious)

but maybe just a cigarette more

(never such a blizzard before)

i've gotta get home

(but baby you'd freeze out there)

say lend me a coat

(it's up to your knees out there)

you've really been grand

(i thrill when you touch my hand)

but don't you see?

(how can you do this thing to me?)

there's bound to be talk tomorrow

(think of my lifelong sorrow)

at least there will be plenty implied

(if you got pneumonia and died)

i really can't stay

(get over that old out)

 

both:baby it's cold

baby it's cold outside

 

Because date rape is a romantic holiday tradition!