Suicide - have you ever pursued it?

[Tipdin]

About six months ago, I attempted to hang myself and I almost succeeded. I was dangling with the rope around my neck and I passed out. When I woke up, I was in a psychiatric hospital strapped to the bed and my family hovering over me. They were completely shocked that their "little angel" would attempt something so vile. I really had no qualms about what I was doing and asked them why didn't they let me die? The response that I got was God had a plan for all of us and we should see things through. I still to this day think that if "God" has a plan for each of us, then why have I been abused and raped 4 times by my family members? I am just supposed to sit and act like nothing happened? After the 2nd time, I realized that my family wasn't going to believe me and so I did what I thought was best. The only regret I have is that they stopped me. I could have lived with myself if the rope broke, or something else, but the fact that they stopped me is one of the reasons why I refuse to talk to them anymore.

 

 

Refusing to speak with your family sounds like a good idea! We all need to do whatever it take to protect ourselves, and you're doing just that. If one's family is the source of trouble, then one's family has to go. Even after 30 plus years, I still wish that I had succeeded in my attempt. I've tried to stay positive and do all the things the therapists said I should do, even tried medication, but life hasn't really gotten any better. Yes, I cope with things and can adjust my attitude and all that, but it still boils down to: I am unhappy and every day is a knee-high slog through mud - it gets exhausting.

 

Now, with all of that said, I also believe everything, regardless of what, EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I was supposed to attempt suicide. I was supposed to spend a week in a coma. I was supposed to survive. I was supposed to live to tell my story. I was supposed to be there so I could have an effect on someone else. I had an effect on someone BECAUSE of what I had been through. Everything that happened in my life, made me the man I am today - and that, in turn, is WHY someone else was effected this way or that way. And that affect was SUPPOSED to take place.

 

In short, I guess that's my justification for accepting whatever situation is currently playing out. Learn coping skills. Learn as much about everything as you can. Deal with life the best way you know how. Remember that it may not be about you, or even for you, but a situation may be playing out that involves you FOR someone else's benefit.

 

As the old saying goes, We are, indeed, players and all the world a stage. Our part is played, not for us, but for those around us that we may not even be able to see. An actor acts for the benefit of his audience - and is thus transformed himself.

[ketiba]

I've also thought about it many times. I even made plans in my head with all the details around it, but I just couldn't do it. You could say I hadn't that strong feeling of aking the step to it.

Anyway, since my teenage years I hurt my arms by scratching them with my nails. I tried a razor, but i was too scared that the blood would stain on my shirt even if I have a bandage on it.

 

What I actually want to say is that the people who made the step to commit suicide, that I really feel for you. I mean I think you must've have these really strong feelings for it. But it's totally not worth it. Seriously, it isn't.

But I do find it very brave of you guys telling your stories to unkown people. Or people that you know here. Or just to anyone in general.

thank you for tqellng your story here = )

[Former Member]

I had three times of psychiatric inhouse after suicide attempts in my early twenties. They occurred between the ages of 21-24. They were serious.

 

Two were heavy overdoses of medication. I was suffering from severe post-traumatic stress disorder, depression and disassociative amnesia. The last one was...you can't call it wrist slashing because I literally laid open both lengths of my forearms besides across the wrists and it's a sheer miracle they brought me back. I was found pretty much bled out as you might imagine.

 

The latter occasion was after a very ugly and public break-up, disciplinary hearing (not for me, but the other person) which involved the police department I worked for, and his state police department.

 

Looking back, I can understand the skewed thinking I had which was a result of several factors. As a psychologist student now and fifteen years older, I learned to recognize the patterns, lack of emotional support and also the background and environment can also influence suicide attempts.

 

During one of those in-house stays, enduring the lockdown, I was accompanied by two psych professionals. One had attempted to himself. The other, a woman, had jumped from a bridge. So really, no one is immune from suicidal feelings which can arise.

[Adam Phillips]

Amazing personal stories, everybody. Thanks for sharing them.

 

I've never considered suicide. I've had a pretty exceptional life, happiness-wise. I tend to run melancholic, though, and I tend to cover that over with a kind of over-the-top gregarious, uptempo personality...but I do walk around chronically aware of how the world is awash in heartbreak. It's an odd concatenation of characteristics, I guess: the upbeat melancholic, but that's just kind of how it is with me..

 

I guess that when a person considers suicide it must be that the pain-to-gratification ratio is so weighted on the "pain" side that not-existing anymore seems preferable. I guess I haven't been there. Even when stuff gets bad, I want to see what's going to happen next.

 

I had a female friend from high school who committed suicide when I was off at college. And I have a young friend now whose best friend committed suicide. It must be awful to be in so much pain that you decide you can't go on. It's also bad for the people who love the people who commit suicide.

[Tipdin]

Amazing personal stories, everybody. Thanks for sharing them.

 

I've never considered suicide. I've had a pretty exceptional life, happiness-wise. I tend to run melancholic, though, and I tend to cover that over with a kind of over-the-top gregarious, uptempo personality...but I do walk around chronically aware of how the world is awash in heartbreak. It's an odd concatenation of characteristics, I guess: the upbeat melancholic, but that's just kind of how it is with me..

 

I guess that when a person considers suicide it must be that the pain-to-gratification ratio is so weighted on the "pain" side that not-existing anymore seems preferable. I guess I haven't been there. Even when stuff gets bad, I want to see what's going to happen next.

 

I had a female friend from high school who committed suicide when I was off at college. And I have a young friend now whose best friend committed suicide. It must be awful to be in so much pain that you decide you can't go on. It's also bad for the people who love the people who commit suicide.

 

From the way you describe yourself, you and I seem to be a lot alike. I was the clown, the funny guy who was always able to instantly adapt and ad-lib a joke to smooth any transition. Privately, I had to work at NOT focusing on the world's ills and aches; it was too overwhelming for me. My own little black cloud followed me everywhere, threatening to rain on my parade.

 

You described things well when you used the pain-to-gratification ratio. For years, I expended vast amounts of energy keeping that scale balanced but it finally tipped all the way to the pain end. It's a bit easier to keep the scale balanced now, but it's still exhausting. I realize that it's a chemical imbalance in my brain - and some medication did help for a long time. For whatever reason, the effectiveness wore off and nothing else seemed to work, so I'm back to living every day like slogging through knee high mud.

 

You seem to have a good handle on what's going on with you, that's VERY important - especially when others in your life don't.

Edited January 8, 2011 by Tipdin

[Former Member]

Amazing personal stories, everybody. Thanks for sharing them.

 

I've never considered suicide. I've had a pretty exceptional life, happiness-wise. I tend to run melancholic, though, and I tend to cover that over with a kind of over-the-top gregarious, uptempo personality...but I do walk around chronically aware of how the world is awash in heartbreak. It's an odd concatenation of characteristics, I guess: the upbeat melancholic, but that's just kind of how it is with me..

 

I guess that when a person considers suicide it must be that the pain-to-gratification ratio is so weighted on the "pain" side that not-existing anymore seems preferable. I guess I haven't been there. Even when stuff gets bad, I want to see what's going to happen next.

 

I had a female friend from high school who committed suicide when I was off at college. And I have a young friend now whose best friend committed suicide. It must be awful to be in so much pain that you decide you can't go on. It's also bad for the people who love the people who commit suicide.

 

You know that's a keen point and I believe it also can influence a person, whether overtly or covertly. Not solely in considering to commit suicide, but also not to do so. I think my personal feelings of loss influenced by decision, having had an ex-boyfriend who committed suicide a few weeks after we broke up. I was 18 or 19 at the time. And then a the brother of a close friend of mine committed suicide a couple of years after that. He didn't leave a note or anything, and it was a total shock for everyone. It left me wondering I suppose.

[ketiba]

Refusing to speak with your family sounds like a good idea! We all need to do whatever it take to protect ourselves, and you're doing just that. If one's family is the source of trouble, then one's family has to go. Even after 30 plus years, I still wish that I had succeeded in my attempt. I've tried to stay positive and do all the things the therapists said I should do, even tried medication, but life hasn't really gotten any better. Yes, I cope with things and can adjust my attitude and all that, but it still boils down to: I am unhappy and every day is a knee-high slog through mud - it gets exhausting.

 

Now, with all of that said, I also believe everything, regardless of what, EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I was supposed to attempt suicide. I was supposed to spend a week in a coma. I was supposed to survive. I was supposed to live to tell my story. I was supposed to be there so I could have an effect on someone else. I had an effect on someone BECAUSE of what I had been through. Everything that happened in my life, made me the man I am today - and that, in turn, is WHY someone else was effected this way or that way. And that affect was SUPPOSED to take place.

 

In short, I guess that's my justification for accepting whatever situation is currently playing out. Learn coping skills. Learn as much about everything as you can. Deal with life the best way you know how. Remember that it may not be about you, or even for you, but a situation may be playing out that involves you FOR someone else's benefit.

 

As the old saying goes, We are, indeed, players and all the world a stage. Our part is played, not for us, but for those around us that we may not even be able to see. An actor acts for the benefit of his audience - and is thus transformed himself.

 

 

I had a good cry by your comment. Thank you so much for seeing this side of the issue.

[Tipdin]

I had a good cry by your comment. Thank you so much for seeing this side of the issue.

 

Thank you for saying something. It is an issue I am passionate about and very willing to discuss. I even went so far as opening my own business where we took suicide calls. It was life-altering.

[Bumblebee]

From the way you describe yourself, you and I seem to be a lot alike. I was the clown, the funny guy who was always able to instantly adapt and ad-lib a joke to smooth any transition. Privately, I had to work at NOT focusing on the world's ills and aches; it was too overwhelming for me. My own little black cloud followed me everywhere, threatening to rain on my parade.

 

 

Sounds like me, no one would believe me in real life if i asked for help. Though I've always felt that I wasn't good enough so that my black cloud would disapper, so why bother trying not to focus on the bad thing, why not embrace it since its not going to go away.

[Tipdin]

Sounds like me, no one would believe me in real life if i asked for help. Though I've always felt that I wasn't good enough so that my black cloud would disapper, so why bother trying not to focus on the bad thing, why not embrace it since its not going to go away.

 

For me, focusing on the negative would have driven me over the edge - permanently. Focusing on the positive helps me find the joy in life - which then helps to take the edge off the pain if being alive.

 

Over time, I have learned that keeping the focus on positive things does, indeed, make the black cloud go away, or at least fade to gray. Every ray of light that manages to pierce the darkness looks that much brighter and is that much more of a gift.

[ketiba]

I don't how optimistic people do that, but in general i just can't think the positive side of an issue that quick. or sometimes not at all.

and now i really want to learn myself too think more optimistically.

 

@ Bumblebee: you're so right. why not embrace it : )

[DragonMando]

I don't think I'm even capable of true optimism lol. It's more like this is how it is, so get over it and keep moving with me.

[Y_B]

Another topic here provoked me on making this thread. Early in my teens I used to have a lot of suicidal thoughts, and while I have never really attempted such a thing - I did a lot of self-harm to myself that I shouldn't have done. So here's my questions to GA members:

 

Have you ever seriously attempted suicide? What were you thinking when you took such a strong step? How old were you then? Have you caused harm to yourself like cutting, slashing the skin etc? If you have stopped yourself from doing it - what stopped you? Someone or your own conscience?

 

I used to during the worst moments of my teenage angst.

 

 

But then I realized that I don't only live for myself and that stopped all thoughts and attempts to take my own life onward. I have family who love me, I have friends who enjoy their time with me, I have people who rely on me and look up to me, so taking my own life is not only taking something from myself but a lot from all the people in my life. I can't do that.

 

[methodwriter85]

I had bouts with suicidal thoughts all throughout my adolescence. I've always just had this nagging sense that I didn't mean much in terms of the world, and if I killed myself, nobody but maybe my family would miss me.Then when I was 21, I told my RA I was having suicidal thoughts, and I got put into psychiatric in-house. I had reached a point where I felt like life was no longer worth living, because I had killed my future because of this stupid mistake I had made, and since my future self was dead I might as well make my present self dead as well.

 

I had some pretty intense therapy throughout the winter and spring of 2008, and it helped me get to a place where I never thought about it again. Watching the 4th of July fireworks, I just kept thinking, "If I had killed myself, I wouldn't be here to see these beautiful fireworks." That snapped the whole thing in perspective.

 

Also that summer, I told my story to a bunch of people in my class. After the class, an older student came up to me, tears in his eyes, and told me about all of the struggles he's had with depression throughout his adult life, and thanked me for having the courage to talk about it. I was pretty touched, and I like knowing that sharing my story helped someone deal with his own pain.

 

A year later, I had a friend commit suicide. He wasn't a best friend, like what Adam's young friend lost, but he was a friend. I'm still not over it.

[ketiba]

I had bouts with suicidal thoughts all throughout my adolescence. I've always just had this nagging sense that I didn't mean much in terms of the world, and if I killed myself, nobody but maybe my family would miss me.Then when I was 21, I told my RA I was having suicidal thoughts, and I got put into psychiatric in-house. I had reached a point where I felt like life was no longer worth living, because I had killed my future because of this stupid mistake I had made, and since my future self was dead I might as well make my present self dead as well.

 

I had some pretty intense therapy throughout the winter and spring of 2008, and it helped me get to a place where I never thought about it again. Watching the 4th of July fireworks, I just kept thinking, "If I had killed myself, I wouldn't be here to see these beautiful fireworks." That snapped the whole thing in perspective.

 

Also that summer, I told my story to a bunch of people in my class. After the class, an older student came up to me, tears in his eyes, and told me about all of the struggles he's had with depression throughout his adult life, and thanked me for having the courage to talk about it. I was pretty touched, and I like knowing that sharing my story helped someone deal with his own pain.

 

A year later, I had a friend commit suicide. He wasn't a best friend, like what Adam's young friend lost, but he was a friend. I'm still not over it.

 

also you, thank you for telling your story. it really helps me to think more about having suicide thoughts.

everybody has or will be having this moment where it pops in your mind that turns you upside down and washes those thoughts away. maybe its because im sensitive, but you're story made me cry as well. like you said, what if you couldn't see those fireworks anymore

 

My condoleances for your friend.

[tomon]

Wow. Firstly I have to say Thank You to everyone for sharing your stories. Even though it makes somewhat chilling reading at times, it's pretty amazing everyones brave enough to just flat out admit they've had or still have problems.

 

My friend's fiancé comitted suicide earlier this year, so I suppose this topic's been on my mind. I don't know how she is coping with it all as well as she is.

 

Around 6 years ago now, certain things happened, a lot at the same time, and it just got to the point I remember thinking "I just don't want to be here". I never thought about taking my life, but I remember that feeling of just not caring if I wasn't around, and maybe the exhaustion and pain would end. It's strange looking back now, it's almost like I'm stood in the room watching myself just give up. I self-harmed one time. Its almost funny that it was during this phase that I kissed a guy for the first time. And I felt guilt. Which of course years on I realise is stupid, but at the time dealing with sexuality on top of everything else just pushed me too far. I hurt myself almost out of anger, shame and sadness. Of course nobody really knew I was going through anything; I didn't tell and I'd used humour to deal with problems and I guess because I was the funny one, I always would seem "so happy". But of course there's that point where its too much. I'd never judge anyone who would have suicidal thoughts or attempts, that feeling of just not being able to deal with it anymore, that hopelessness is painful even just to think about nevermind experience.

 

I finally got help, I saw a counsellor weekly for a few months. Strangely by the end of it, the problems were still there, there was no magical answer given on how to deal with everything, but I was so much better. The millions of reasons of why life can be amazing became kinda obvious again and the years following that time have been the best of what is so far still my short little life. And yes of course I'm glad I didn't just "not be here" anymore.

 

It's been quite a while since I last posted on GA actually, I don't know if anyone here knows who I am but if anyone is still feeling that hopeless, please speak to someone about it. A doctor, a counsellor, even a forum friend.

 

Looking back on what I would have missed out on; I've lived in Japan, met people from all round the world with different cultures, ideas and experiences that have influenced who I am, the things I've got to do from climbing the Great Wall of China to dating a guy - guilt free may I add, it would have been a pretty big shame to not have had that.

 

When I imagine that kid that had a bad couple years, or all the people out there that have such horrible experiences, to end it all with that hopelessly desperate feeling being the last thing they feel, to not have a chance at feeling happiness again, breaks my heart. I'll say it again, anyone still feeling like this, please speak to someone, even if you think it's a load of shit.

 

Someone said to me "Yeah, you deserve a happy ending Tom." Umm, it's hardly an ending, it's still just the beginning (lol ok cheesy). But I'd like to hope that with the right help, everyone can have that beginning.

 

To everyone, take care. x

[Tipdin]

Wow. Firstly I have to say Thank You to everyone for sharing your stories. Even though it makes somewhat chilling reading at times, it's pretty amazing everyones brave enough to just flat out admit they've had or still have problems.

 

My friend's fiancé comitted suicide earlier this year, so I suppose this topic's been on my mind. I don't know how she is coping with it all as well as she is.

 

Around 6 years ago now, certain things happened, a lot at the same time, and it just got to the point I remember thinking "I just don't want to be here". I never thought about taking my life, but I remember that feeling of just not caring if I wasn't around, and maybe the exhaustion and pain would end. It's strange looking back now, it's almost like I'm stood in the room watching myself just give up. I self-harmed one time. Its almost funny that it was during this phase that I kissed a guy for the first time. And I felt guilt. Which of course years on I realise is stupid, but at the time dealing with sexuality on top of everything else just pushed me too far. I hurt myself almost out of anger, shame and sadness. Of course nobody really knew I was going through anything; I didn't tell and I'd used humour to deal with problems and I guess because I was the funny one, I always would seem "so happy". But of course there's that point where its too much. I'd never judge anyone who would have suicidal thoughts or attempts, that feeling of just not being able to deal with it anymore, that hopelessness is painful even just to think about nevermind experience.

 

I finally got help, I saw a counsellor weekly for a few months. Strangely by the end of it, the problems were still there, there was no magical answer given on how to deal with everything, but I was so much better. The millions of reasons of why life can be amazing became kinda obvious again and the years following that time have been the best of what is so far still my short little life. And yes of course I'm glad I didn't just "not be here" anymore.

 

It's been quite a while since I last posted on GA actually, I don't know if anyone here knows who I am but if anyone is still feeling that hopeless, please speak to someone about it. A doctor, a counsellor, even a forum friend.

 

Looking back on what I would have missed out on; I've lived in Japan, met people from all round the world with different cultures, ideas and experiences that have influenced who I am, the things I've got to do from climbing the Great Wall of China to dating a guy - guilt free may I add, it would have been a pretty big shame to not have had that.

 

When I imagine that kid that had a bad couple years, or all the people out there that have such horrible experiences, to end it all with that hopelessly desperate feeling being the last thing they feel, to not have a chance at feeling happiness again, breaks my heart. I'll say it again, anyone still feeling like this, please speak to someone, even if you think it's a load of shit.

 

Someone said to me "Yeah, you deserve a happy ending Tom." Umm, it's hardly an ending, it's still just the beginning (lol ok cheesy). But I'd like to hope that with the right help, everyone can have that beginning.

 

To everyone, take care. x

 

Wow, (some of) this is great to read! It's a best case scenario for you. I'm happy that you've learned more and better coping skills, and have a different (read better) perspective now. Many people can, and have gotten the sunshine back in their lives with counseling and a bit of time. And you're right, it is a beginning- truly.

 

What I think is best of all is that now, YOU have knowledge and perspective that allows you to see life in a deeper, more meaningful way. You're now in a position to support and assist others who may need it. And you'll probably continue learning HOW to support and assist in better and better ways for the rest of your life. And that ALONE makes you worthwhile, never mind all the "normal" things that make you priceless.

[TrevorTime]

I've never once even considered it. Life is a precious gift and should be treated as such.

 

Yes, I come from a "broken home", but I dealt with the pain of losing my brother and father in a mature way. And now that I have been reunited with them, everything is okay.

 

I might be an emo, but I've never, ever cut myself intentionally. Razor blades are for the face, not the wrists.

[Adam Phillips]

I had bouts with suicidal thoughts all throughout my adolescence. I've always just had this nagging sense that I didn't mean much in terms of the world, and if I killed myself, nobody but maybe my family would miss me.Then when I was 21, I told my RA I was having suicidal thoughts, and I got put into psychiatric in-house. I had reached a point where I felt like life was no longer worth living, because I had killed my future because of this stupid mistake I had made, and since my future self was dead I might as well make my present self dead as well.

 

 

 

I'd say something shockingly rude and insensitive to methodwriter in reply, and he'd get it and laugh, but I'd probably get kicked off the board, hosted author or no, and I have no doubt I'd enrage everybody else participating in this discussion.

[micahdiablo]

No, thank god. I am glad that i never have had to experience a situation that makes me want to do this....

 

 

 

 

I am not trying to be rude when i say this because I know that suicidal people are extremely vulnerable but i think that suicide is kind of a coward ways out....and it messes

 

up the lives of not only you(if you survive) but your family and friends and i am not a coward person and i rather deal with my problems then give up

 

 

 

 

and that isn't meant to be an attack on anyone who is suicidal, just a personal opinion

 

 

[Bumblebee]

No, thank god. I am glad that i never have had to experience a situation that makes me want to do this....

 

 

 

 

I am not trying to be rude when i say this because I know that suicidal people are extremely vulnerable but i think that suicide is kind of a coward ways out....and it messes

 

up the lives of not only you(if you survive) but your family and friends and i am not a coward person and i rather deal with my problems then give up

 

 

 

 

and that isn't meant to be an attack on anyone who is suicidal, just a personal opinion

 

 

 

I don't think its the cowards way out, its like if an animal was in horrific pain you would want it to be put down so it could have some peace.

Some people are in so much long term physiological pain and nothing has ever worked to ease the pain, that for some suicide is the only way that they can find their happiness

[old bob]

If I remember well, just once, and it was more “playing” with the thought than a real readiness to do it.

62 years ago (I was 20, the age of infinite passions), I was betrayed by a young girl who preferred an elder, more experimented guy.

My heartache was so strong that I thought I couldn’t endure it. I was at the end of a railway wagon, moving at high speed. I opened the outside door, almost ready to jump.

Fortunately, I didn’t . I just began to feel my pain as a lesson, an hard one and I realized that nothing would justify such an end.

[Tiger]

My answer, sadly, has changed a bit. Several months ago, I think December, I was having a really bad week, feeling lonely and severely depressed. I didn't make an attempt buit I seriously considered it. If not for someone on here, I might have actually made an attempt, likely of the overdose variety or a bullet to in my brain when no one was around. I'm glad that I didn't. Don't mess around with depression. It is life-threatening, but even when you feel down, you have to remember that there is a way back no matter the circumstances. If you end your own life it affects everyone around you.

Edited February 8, 2011 by Tiger

[Duncan Ryder]

We lost a friend last week.

 

We don't know if the final act was deliberate or accidental, but he'd been deeply depressed and abusing various substances, killing himself slowly, for a long time. If it was "accidental" it was an "accident" he wanted, had prepared for. It's very hard and very sad. He was smart and funny and beautiful, and so full of pain. He and my partner were friends for a long time, and my partner is racked with guilt about what he didn't do, could have done, should have done. I don't really know how to comfort him.

 

My heart goes out to all of you who have felt so much pain that ending it seems the only option.

[Tipdin]

We lost a friend last week.

 

We don't know if the final act was deliberate or accidental, but he'd been deeply depressed and abusing various substances, killing himself slowly, for a long time. If it was "accidental" it was an "accident" he wanted, had prepared for. It's very hard and very sad. He was smart and funny and beautiful, and so full of pain. He and my partner were friends for a long time, and my partner is racked with guilt about what he didn't do, could have done, should have done. I don't really know how to comfort him.

 

My heart goes out to all of you who have felt so much pain that ending it seems the only option.

 

There is nothing that your partner could have done. Believe me. As sad as it is, there's no need to make things worse by feeling some kind of responsibility.

 

Speaking from experience, I can tell you that if someone is truly suicidal, there is almost nothing one can do to prevent it. It is very, very sad. The hurt you and others feel must be horrible. However, your friend's suffering is all done now. No matter how we leave this world, it is into the loving embrace of those that wait for us on the other side. And no matter who you are, there will be others there, waiting with open and loving arms.