Dating Different Social Status

[W_L]

This might not be true for Western readers and writers on GA, I do get this weird response from people with Asian backgrounds.

 

Here's the basics: I introduced my boyfriend to my family yesterday, they were okay and lukewarm at first.

 

With that over, we went on a date and I really didn't think of it at all, nor did he.

 

At night during dinner (be warned, it's usually during dinner that things gets noisy), then, there were questions about family lineage, background, education level, and job situation.

 

The question came up of why I was dating below my social station in life?

 

I'm gay, 29, Asian/Pure Han Chinese-subgroup Hakka, graduate masters degree, a Licensed/government approved accountant, have a home, 401k, and various ties to politics/healthcare worlds

 

He's 22, gay, Asian/(Mixed Chinese/Vite/Cambodian, a struggling student still trying to get his associates, works as a peer leader at a non-profit + Starbucks as a burista to pay his way, still lives with his parents, has no plans for the future, and basically have a complicate family background as the bastard illegitimate son in his family.

 

To me social station/status doesn't matter that much as long as our feelings are true for one another.

 

This kind of question was usually meant for Heterosexual relationships, but now that LGBT relationships have gained parity with hetero-relationships out of the shadows, I'm getting evaluated on the same traditional lines.

 

I know my family is not being homophobic, they're just applying an old view of social status to modern life.

 

Wonder if this is something you guys have had happened or if there's other similarities in cultures.

Edited September 25, 2016 by W_L

[clochette]

Something kinda similar happened to my cousin.

 

At 16 she met her boyfriend, who was 18.

 

Her parents had some "problems" and were - let's say it - rather cold to him.

 

Their reasons? He came from a poorer family, his dad had an alcohol problem, his brother was in prison and he didn't plan on doing long studies. They were afraid he would hold her back.

 

She was a very good student, planning on going to big (expensive) schools, her parents could afford to pay for horse riding, music lessons, different kind of sports, holidays 3 or 4 times a year aboard or skiing, concerts...

 

They totally went over the fact that none of it was the poor guy's fault. He was very calm, quiet and shy, didn't drink a drop of alcohol and didn't go out in clubs or the like and was hardworking.

 

When she was 19 they both move to the other side of the country. Her to continue her studies to be an engineer and he went looking for a job (as he had a diploma)

 

Now - 8 years later - they're still together after 10 years, still living on the other side of the country. He hax a steady job and she's in her last year of her PhD degree. She has learned that you don't necessarily need to buy the most expensive brands when grocery shopping, that going on holidays 3 or 4 times a year is easy when it's daddy paying but that most "normal people" can't afford it. And yes in the future she'll get more money than him but it doesn't matter cause they really love each other and time has proven it.

 

So if you really like this guy go for it, dont listen to other people's opinion or thought or whatever on your relationship.

I'm not saying the differences won't be a problem (you'll want to go on holidays or to a nice restaurant and he won't be able to afford it and feel bad about it) but if there's love you should be able to overcome them

 

Best wishes for your relationship

Edited September 25, 2016 by clochette

[Mikiesboy]

My husband was a police constable when I met him, he's a detective now.  I was an ex-junkie, ex-rent boy, ex-street kid with a police record. I didn't have a lot going for me but he saw something. Meeting his parents was terrifying to me. It could have gone very badly ... but they trusted Michael's judgement and just swept me up and into the family.  I was very lucky.

 

I figure it just depends on the people you're dealing with. 

 

W_L if you two care about each other, that's all that matters.  Best of luck to you both

 

tim xo

[TetRefine]

My boyfriend comes from similar economic means, but a vastly different cultural background. My boyfriend is Chinese and came to the United States on a student visa (and is still here on one). He was raised in a very traditional Chinese family (and as the only son because of one child policy) he bears the burden of carrying the success of his family. He is Ivy League educated and currently working on his PhD. He also has not told his family he is gay and he desperately wants to become a US citizen so he doesn't have to put up with his family's expectations anymore.

 

As for myself, I'm a teacher educated at a middle of the road university and am American through and through. My family is established upper middle class suburban types. They all know I'm gay and fine with it. When my family met my boyfriend, they absolutely loved him and despite our different backgrounds, they welcomed him into the family with open arms.

 

We do get a lot of funny looks when people see us walking down the street together though. There are very few young, gay White/Asian couples, even here in the city.

[Sasha Distan]

Isn't it nice now that gay relationships are so much more mainstream, that we have to deal with the same expectations as straight people are? Our parents all want us to be happy, but instead of pressuring you to find a girl, now they question you're choices in men - I know which I'd prefer.

 

Hold tight, and tell your parents you know you've made the right choice. I know plenty of people who's relationships don't work from the outside and no one quite gets why they are together (my husband and I are prime examples), but for us, and for those people inside that relationship, there could be no other way.

 

Anecdotal aside - even though Cris is part Chinese, two of his siblings have dark skin and appear almost Mediterranean. On meeting his other half's father, Cris's brother was followed around the house, being suspiciously eyed. Rachel eventually asked him what was going on, to which her father said "So he's a funny colour, isn't he?" after being told of the Chinese heritage he said "Oh well that's alright then. Chinese kids are smart, he'll give you good babies."

 

 

There's someone for everyone in this wonderful world, I am happy for you that you've found yours.

[Kitt]

Parents have always had high expectations for their kids. Education and social status has always played a roll. In the town I gerw up in, the term "wrong side of the tracks" was a litteral meaning, there was a social-economic difference delineated by the local rail line. Kids from the "wrong" side were encouraged to "marry up". The kids from thr more affluent neighborhoods were constantly warned to be careful of "gold diggers".

 

Bottom line is be careful, find the right person, then hang tight. If it is the right mate, remember the old line from marriage ceremonies. "Let no (wo)man put assunder."

[W_L]

Thank you everyone,

 

Glad to know I am not alone.

 

Matt, I am also the eldest son in my family, and the eldest scion of the family. My grandfather had 2 sons, my uncle only has one daughter, and my father only has one son and one daughter. I am the last of my line and the last of my lineage, so I understand the hard choices that he probably is making to be with you. Family is the basis of Chinese culture, lineage is important.

 

Though, I agree with Sasha that it's a good thing that we've moved into this level of open disagreements with our parents and family over partners rather than the old lines in the sand of homophobia, which result in wounded family relationships that may never heal.

 

It's an expectation issue, when you become an adult and form mature relationships, both from family and from each partner.

 

 

Is my boyfriend the guy of my dreams? No, he's not and I am not his (The cute WASP twink that permeates our gay culture is still a benchmark ).. We both freely admit that part We also recognize the stupidity of modern stereotypes and unreasonable expectations in finding perfect partners.

 

Do I like him? Yes

 

Do I love him? Not sure, we're still too early in this, but when we hold hands or when he puts his head on my shoulder on the couch I feel a stirring sensation in me, not sexual, but something else that calls for this. He tells me he feels the same way and we just stay in those positions staring at blank walls or cars passing by my street for an hour. I don't need to see his face, nor does he need to see mine.

 

While my family would rather I date guys of similar social background, maybe a Chinese boy with similar lineage or a Jewish boy with a good education and some money, I think the most important part is what you feel, not what describes the person.

[Canuk]

Sometimes same/same doesnt work.

 

My initial longterm relationship with a woman who, on paper, was everything my familiy could want for me. We were from comparatively well to do backgrounds, we both had decent university degrees, both had some money to "set up house", but.... she never got on with either side of my family and ultimately they gave up on her. We ultimately seperate due to stresses of a failing business.

 

Several years later, I have come out as gay, I bring home my boyfriend who while holding down a respectible, well paid job by then, had a life history that would have truly shocked my family. They take to him and he to them as if we had grown up together.

 

And yet ~ 20 years on, my family still love him (given he can cook, sing, paint, I am actualy worried that if we broke up, I'd be the one looking for a new family!)

 

All this to say that presuming same/same in terms of background and or socio-economic status makes relationships easier may not be the whole truth.

 

Iunderstand that culture plays a huge part in that; one of my staff was a product of a very wealthy family from Shanghai and the pressure on her to marry was enormous.

 

But still I think searching for a matrix that ensures relationship success is not useful.