A little help...

[thephoenix]

Hey everyone...

 

I know I've been inactive for a very long time but I plan on being more active now. (sorry if this is the wrong forum for this).

 

As of right now, I have come out to 8 people, not including professional therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, or social workers, been hospitalized 4 times this year alone so far and am now currently in some rehab-for-depression kind of place. 

 

Long story short, I have been on the brink of SI (suicidal ideation) multiple times for various reasons, dotted with a few actual attempts. That's not the point of this post though. I fell hard for a straight guy best friend of mine, we'll call him "A". He's also a fraternity brother of mine. Came out to him, he was uber-supportive and has been my emotional go-to 'rock' until February 17th. That was the day after one of my hospital discharges. He (with prior permission) read through a journal I wrote during my previous 11-day stay in the psych ward, yes, due to SI.

 

One particular entry mentioned him discreetly...my wording was, I believe "I had a conversation with my doctor today...it was about a crush I have on one of my fraternity brothers..."...He was able to figure out it was him based on that alone and when I asked him how, he responded that he just knew from the way I looked at him and how we interacted. My worst mistake was then (stupid delusional thinking that he's also interested) trying to make a move on him--but--nothing happened...just he gently pushed me away the split second he realized what I was trying to do. He chose to give me a quick hug and left while I was desperately apologizing over and over at the same time. I'll spare the details, but that night, I was back in the hospital. I think it was Day 12 of 17 (some time in early March i think) of hospitalization #3 when he essentially told me over the phone (after a rough conversation with his gf) he wanted nothing to do with me and we were no longer friends, which was beyond devastating. His roommate, we'll call him "J", who is still a friend and also a  fraternity brother, tells me he's fine, he's over the hurt/confusion, knows i'm sorry, but ... nothing. The few times J brought me up in conversation to A, his reaction was pretty much muted. Everyone's telling me he needs space and I've given him exactly that--to the point of even moving out of the state (MI), financial cost be darned. My other friends say to give him time, and he'll come around, but I've become more and more unsure. (To give you insight on his personality, he's pretty much the socialite, and gets along with almost anyone, loves card games and video games and sports and all, and has the occasional dirty joke). 

 

I'm safe, and among professionals here. But there's that nagging question in my head. Will he come around? Do you guys think our old friendship is salvageable? 

[Graeme]

What happens with your friendship is up to him. From what you've said, he knows that you want to regain that friendship (your other friends have said to give him time), so the next step is up to him. There's nothing more you can do. Sorry, but I think it's out of your hands.

[Mikiesboy]

Yeah have to agree with Graeme here... you have let him come back to you. And if he doesn't, you need to move on, sadly. 

 

Look after yourself.. lots of us around here if you want to talk..

 

tim

[Dodger]

I think that you have been very brave by posting this, but you have done the right thing.

 

I agree with Tim and Graeme, it's hard to see any other way forward, but you must remember that no matter what the outcome, you are not alone in this world.

 

It's disturbing to read of your attempts to hurt yourself, but I'm also pleased that you are able to talk about it, which tells me that you're receiving good help. I'm glad that you're safe and hope that you are able to see your way through this.

[Headstall]

I hope "A" will someday reach out to you, but you have to keep in mind you didn't ruin your friendship with him. He's not to 'blame' either, but he's responsible for his own actions. It's a difficult time for both of you from the sounds of it. There is nothing to be gained from dwelling on something out of your hands. You have a friend(s) who is/are sticking to your side. No, the biggest challenge for you is looking after yourself, and operating from strength. Another person can't make us whole... we can convince ourselves otherwise, but in my experience, it comes from within. That said, we need a good support system when we are dealing with something that can seem bigger than we are, whether professional, or a close friend. Your question speaks volumes, my friend. It's okay to hope for it, but don't let the uncertainty hold you back from what you need to do. Appreciate the people who are in your life, and that includes cyber friends . Work at becoming the person you are meant to be... proud and strong. I wish you well... Gary....

[Palantir]

The sadness of losing someone who means a lot can be almost unbearable and just as hard to accept so take care of yourself and accept any care and support you can. Take heed of the sage advice in all the above posts too, and all the best.

[thephoenix]

22 hours ago, Graeme said:

What happens with your friendship is up to him. From what you've said, he knows that you want to regain that friendship (your other friends have said to give him time), so the next step is up to him. There's nothing more you can do. Sorry, but I think it's out of your hands.

 

Thanks Graeme, it's just that...that's the hard part. Not knowing and not really having closure on the matter. But yeah, right now, I don't think there is anything else I can do. Hope is all I have left.

 

4 hours ago, Mikiesboy said:

Yeah have to agree with Graeme here... you have let him come back to you. And if he doesn't, you need to move on, sadly. 

 

Look after yourself.. lots of us around here if you want to talk..

 

tim

 

Thank you Tim, for your support; I'm not sure which is more painful...losing a best friend or losing a girl/boyfriend..not by passing, but just...ending the relationship. I've never had any experience in the latter so I don't know and I've heard mixed responses. I would never wish this on anyone, not even a nemesis.

 

3 hours ago, Dodger said:

I think that you have been very brave by posting this, but you have done the right thing.

 

I agree with Tim and Graeme, it's hard to see any other way forward, but you must remember that no matter what the outcome, you are not alone in this world.

 

It's disturbing to read of your attempts to hurt yourself, but I'm also pleased that you are able to talk about it, which tells me that you're receiving good help. I'm glad that you're safe and hope that you are able to see your way through this.

 

Thank you Dodger...and yeah, I try to spare the nitty gritty details because it even hurts just thinking about it again and I don't want to hurt anyone...It has taken me years to open up but now it seems I'm picking up the pieces. Or trying to anyway.

 

2 hours ago, Headstall said:

I hope "A" will someday reach out to you, but you have to keep in mind you didn't ruin your friendship with him. He's not to 'blame' either, but he's responsible for his own actions. It's a difficult time for both of you from the sounds of it. There is nothing to be gained from dwelling on something out of your hands. You have a friend(s) who is/are sticking to your side. No, the biggest challenge for you is looking after yourself, and operating from strength. Another person can't make us whole... we can convince ourselves otherwise, but in my experience, it comes from within. That said, we need a good support system when we are dealing with something that can seem bigger than we are, whether professional, or a close friend. Your question speaks volumes, my friend. It's okay to hope for it, but don't let the uncertainty hold you back from what you need to do. Appreciate the people who are in your life, and that includes cyber friends . Work at becoming the person you are meant to be... proud and strong. I wish you well... Gary....

 

Thank you Gary, I hope he'll reach out to me too, but I can't help feeling a sense of guilt for crossing the line--or trying to anyway. And yeah, my therapist told me something similar, that the strength has to come from within rather than from others, but I feel my self-worth and self-esteem is too damaged...I feel like a broken man with a laundry list of diagnoses--all chronic/severe in nature from 4 opinions from psychiatrists...talking about it is pretty much all I can do at this point. It will be a long journey.

 

40 minutes ago, Palantir said:

The sadness of losing someone who means a lot can be almost unbearable and just as hard to accept so take care of yourself and accept any care and support you can. Take heed of the sage advice in all the above posts too, and all the best.

 

Thank you for your reply Palantir and your support. And yeah, I would never wish this on anyone.

 

 

Thank you guys...

[Former Member]

I don’t have anything to add to what has already been said, but having spent years in therapy has helped me to deal with my depression and anxiety. I sometimes think that I haven’t made much progress, but my therapists remind me of some of the changes that they’ve noticed (I see interns, so they change every year). I know that things are better than they were in the past, but I couldn’t tell you what the differences are. I think of my problems as a huge boulder like the one in Raiders of the Lost Ark. It rolls a little easier than it used to because some of the rough areas have gotten smoother with time and therapy.

 

There’s a guy I met back when I was homeless. He reminds me of what I could have become if I hadn’t gotten housed. He doesn’t want to take responsibility for his problems. He blames others for not handing him a job. It’s everybody else’s fault that he’s homeless, including (in his mind) Barak Obama. When someone offers him help, he doesn’t use it to do what it was given for. He just doesn’t seem to see that his biggest problem is himself. I look at him and I see my own progress from when I first met him.

 

Things look really dark right now, but it does get better. You are doing what you need to do to get out of the hole that you’re in. You are asking the questions that many others try to ignore. It’s difficult, but you have support.

[AugustusWaters]

In what I think is a weird twist of fate, out of all my good friends, most of whom I've known for almost 14 of my nearly 20 years of life (I've known one for nearly 16 years - that's just before 9/11, for context) the only one I'm actually comfortable pouring my heart out to is the one that I crushed on, helped through a toxic relationship, fell in love with, fought with, outed in a rush of anger and yes, made a move on. As friendships go for me, I've known him just over 3 years, and it's been three incredibly volatile years, yet somehow, we've become each other's rocks. 

 

Point is, if your friendship ran as deep as you say, then he'll come around. Just let him know at some point that you still care about your friend. In the meantime, learn to forgive yourself. We are not the mistakes we make, but the lessons we learn from them.

[AugustusWaters]

Also, as someone who's ideated and tried to commit suicide, trust me, you're not alone. And it gets better, if only a little.

[thephoenix]

20 hours ago, droughtquake said:

I don’t have anything to add to what has already been said, but having spent years in therapy has helped me to deal with my depression and anxiety. I sometimes think that I haven’t made much progress, but my therapists remind me of some of the changes that they’ve noticed (I see interns, so they change every year). I know that things are better than they were in the past, but I couldn’t tell you what the differences are. I think of my problems as a huge boulder like the one in Raiders of the Lost Ark. It rolls a little easier than it used to because some of the rough areas have gotten smoother with time and therapy.

 

There’s a guy I met back when I was homeless. He reminds me of what I could have become if I hadn’t gotten housed. He doesn’t want to take responsibility for his problems. He blames others for not handing him a job. It’s everybody else’s fault that he’s homeless, including (in his mind) Barak Obama. When someone offers him help, he doesn’t use it to do what it was given for. He just doesn’t seem to see that his biggest problem is himself. I look at him and I see my own progress from when I first met him.

 

Things look really dark right now, but it does get better. You are doing what you need to do to get out of the hole that you’re in. You are asking the questions that many others try to ignore. It’s difficult, but you have support.

 

Thank you for sharing your experiences-- for myself, I've only begun to chip away at this since January 22nd when all heck broke loose so yeah...i have that feeling of just being stuck and I'm wondering whether I will ever get out of this.

 

15 hours ago, AugustusWaters said:

In what I think is a weird twist of fate, out of all my good friends, most of whom I've known for almost 14 of my nearly 20 years of life (I've known one for nearly 16 years - that's just before 9/11, for context) the only one I'm actually comfortable pouring my heart out to is the one that I crushed on, helped through a toxic relationship, fell in love with, fought with, outed in a rush of anger and yes, made a move on. As friendships go for me, I've known him just over 3 years, and it's been three incredibly volatile years, yet somehow, we've become each other's rocks. 

 

Point is, if your friendship ran as deep as you say, then he'll come around. Just let him know at some point that you still care about your friend. In the meantime, learn to forgive yourself. We are not the mistakes we make, but the lessons we learn from them.

 

Thank you....and yeah it's definitely a work in progress since I haven't mentally forgiven myself for screwing up so bad as far as "A" is concerned. I've known him a little under a year but we grew close quickly through my fraternity--that is--until February 17th. 

[Former Member]

22 minutes ago, thephoenix said:

Thank you for sharing your experiences-- for myself, I've only begun to chip away at this since January 22nd when all heck broke loose so yeah...i have that feeling of just being stuck and I'm wondering whether I will ever get out of this.

I described that feeling of my being stuck as three gears meshed together. Regular gears cannot move in that configuration. But I was browsing through a 3D Printing company’s website and discovered this item which features three gears that are clearly moving. You just have to reimagine the gears a little.