[dkstories] Doing It Right 11

[Dark Star]

Hey! Did I forget to review a chapter that emoe edited? Oh wait, never mind...had me scared for a moment.

 

Oh, and Emoe was being nice...some of my chapters look a lot worse!

 

That's what I was afraid of. I can't imagine you are that bad.

[EMoe57]

Actually I like what you did with it except for a couple of parts one being where I had Brian following the body as it fell. The idea was Brian desparately trying to keep a hold of the falling body to prevent what was happening and finally following it down to the ground cradling it in his arms incapable of preventing it. This set up the scene where the SS was surrounding the boys who were in a huddled mass on the ground with them around them protecting them in more ways than one. Being left holding a sagging body while still sitting on the table leaves something out that I was trying to convey and I also was looking for the idea that Davey was violently taken from him which "sagging" doesn't seem to get across. Think of the bullet hitting him and violently separating them causing the body to forcefully leave his arms while Brian tries desparately to hold on to the falling body as it goes down but is unable to do so following it all the way down to where they end up on the ground together.

Well, I've had a long time to attune myself to Dan's style. I tackled yours on a whim. Your writing didn't lead my mind in that direction but now that I know - how's this edit instead?

Everything seemed to bemove in slow motion as they watched the boy's body topple from in his lover's arms while his lover struggled against the body's dead weight to stop the fall and screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" in a long drawn out cry of agony that pierced everyone who heard it to their very soul. No one could mistake the hearfelt heart-felt emotion in that cry for anything other than what it was, - the end of the world for that boy.

[Ibsu]

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

That's just too cliche...

 

wait... did I hear Clancy?

 

Never mind, then.

[Dark Star]

Well, I've had a long time to attune myself to Dan's style. I tackled yours on a whim. Your writing didn't lead my mind in that direction but now that I know - how's this edit instead?

 

Much better

 

Thanks. I haven't tried writing anything since my college days as you can probably notice.