*Sneak Peek* Superboy

[DarkBishop]

Here is a look at a story that I started writing a few months back. It’s a little different from the other ideas in my head, but I thought I would start here to get my feet wet. I would like to possibly post the story on here for people to enjoy. Here is the first chapter (my chapters are small). 

If you would like to jump on board and help with editing as I’m not the greatest.

My apology, I was going to post the whole first chapter but it was longer than I thought. Here’s a glimpse. If interested, I can share the whole thing  

——

 

ONE

Mason, a 20-year-old boy, stands in front of the mirror staring at himself, looking at the mess on his clothes. He has dried blood under his nose and smeared on the front of the shirt.

Turning on the water, he lets it pour into his hands. He gently splashes the water on his face, wiping the blood under his nose. Looking back in the mirror, he stares at his wet face, considering the pain and the agony of his life. 

“There has to be more than this.” Mason thinks to himself. “You’re not a loser.”

A door slams downstairs, causing Mason to wipe his face quicker one more time and wiping it with a towel. He moves quickly inside his bedroom. He grabs a hooded sweatshirt, and puts it on to cover up the blood stains on his shirt

 

(Portions redacted)

A small, dark room lit by fire pots hanging from the ceiling. Several stone statues of Kryptonian gods, leaders, stand throughout the room. 

A young guy, appearing to be 24 years old, walks into the room, wearing only a pair of red speedos, holding a generous bulge. His body is young but defined—This is Keanu (kee-o-new), a young Kryptonian soldier ready to serve his planet. 

He stands in front of the main statue, kneeling down, honoring him. 

He then stands, as an older man, Malachi (ma-la-kie), walks over and stands in front of him. 

The man is cloaked in all white. “Young Kryptonian prince, you have been chosen for a mission. A place called Earth needs you. The people there are in great danger.”

Keanu stands there straight, strong and ready as a soldier listening to his command. “I’m ready to serve Krypton.”

 

(More Redacted)

His body is average and beautiful. His shirt is tight against his chest, fitting him nice and showing the form of his body. “What are you doing here?”

“I had to get out. My dad was being a prick.” Mason goes back to sit down on the porch. 

“About what, this time?” Joking at Mason as a friend, knowing what his father is capable of. “At least you have a father.”

Mason feels regret. “I’m sorry I just—“ 

“Stop, your fine. Eli hunkers down beside Mason putting a hand on his shoulder. “I know you.Your father is a prick, that’s why you need to come stay with me and my friends. You wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore.” Eli tries to seriously convince Mason one more time. 

Mason chuckles. “My dad isn’t ever gonna let me move out, and especially stay with you. He thinks you’re a bad influence on me.”

“You’re twenty, just leave. He can’t stop you from being happy.” Eli remarks. 

“He controls the money that comes to me, so I have to be careful.”

Mason turns and looks at Eli standing up, watching him walk off towards a shed in the back. He seems to be staring a little more than normal at Eli—the way he moves and the way his clothes sit on his body. He then sees the fabric on his butt and how it moves. “What the hell am I doing?” He whispers to himself. 

Eli turns back, waving at him to follow before he goes inside the shed. 

 

(The remainder Redacted)...

 

 

[Mikiesboy]

I see some issues and that's okay. We all begin somewhere. Practice, cut out unnecessary words and get rid of most of the speech tags. Where you can show...do, but don't be afraid of a little telling, no ( ) in prose.

[Kitt]

I dont see anythjng a good editor couldnt help you fix. It does remind me very much of the origional superman stories, so you need to be caredful to take it your own way.

[DarkBishop]

26 minutes ago, Kitt said:

I dont see anythjng a good editor couldnt help you fix. It does remind me very much of the origional superman stories, so you need to be caredful to take it your own way.

Yes, that’s the major dilemma. For me to really push on this story as more than just the online release, I would have to do a major find and replace. Mostly on the planet name of Krypton is the most major. I have a possible fix for that but I’m waiting to see what I do with this.

thanks 

[DarkBishop]

41 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

I see some issues and that's okay. We all begin somewhere. Practice, cut out unnecessary words and get rid of most of the speech tags. Where you can show...do, but don't be afraid of a little telling, no ( ) in prose.

Appreciated. I know. Practice. Practice. Practice. I know I’m not there, but sometimes I just want to be good enough. Or at least have someone that could help me be better. This is my second version to the story. I went back over thirty some chapters making changes, but obviously I have some more work. 

[Mikiesboy]

Just now, DarkBishop said:

Appreciated. I know. Practice. Practice. Practice. I know I’m not there, but sometimes I just want to be good enough. Or at least have someone that could help me be better. This is my second version to the story. I went back over thirty some chapters making changes, but obviously I have some more work. 

There is always more work. Always something you'll notice. For people with some talent, the more we write and read, the better we'll get. I cannot stress reading enough. Try new things and write bravely, never think "i can't write that". Of course you can, don't be afraid to go for it.  

[DarkBishop]

I think what I’m going to do after reading some of the stories here, I’m gonna go back on chapter one and do something different. It seems to me that stories are beefier. Lol. It’s like you have a lot of chance to spread things out and build things. Just simply on the feedback I have got so far. 

I would like to start my story here, but I don’t know if it’s ready  

Thanks. 

[DarkBishop]

17 hours ago, Mikiesboy said:

...... Where you can show...do, but don't be afraid of a little telling, no ( ) in prose.

Explain this a little. Where I can show...for so long I have heard that it’s better to show. What do you mean “telling”. How do you suggest showing how to pronounce a name?

[Kitt]

I think the way tim posts is the way to do it.  Have the story finished, then post as you polish each chapter. That way you dont hit slow periods where readers are waiting forever for chapters.

[Kitt]

3 minutes ago, DarkBishop said:

Explain this a little. Where I can show...for so long I have heard that it’s better to show. What do you mean “telling”. How do you suggest showing how to pronounce a name?

You could put hard to pronounce names and the phonetics in a chapter comment at the begining of each chapter as a character is introduced.

[Mikiesboy]

1 hour ago, DarkBishop said:

Explain this a little. Where I can show...for so long I have heard that it’s better to show. What do you mean “telling”. How do you suggest showing how to pronounce a name?

Telling is just as it sounds. In ch1 of The Searcher...there is more telling than is usual for me. But there it was necessary. You what's in your writers tool box. Do what is right for your story.

[DarkBishop]

Here’s the thing. If I keep going back over the chapters, it’s never gonna be done. Lol. I mean, I could go back over chapter one again which will be my third time. I actually think this second version is better—and then someone may recommend something and I’ll be like I’ll do it again. And repeat. If I don’t get to the point where I say—I can’t squeeze anymore more juice from that grape—it’s never gonna be good. 

All thirty chapters of this book one are complete  I know that there are areas of the story that need buffed up  I read over your first chapter @Mikiesboy and I see how nice and thick your story is  I don’t wanna just make the story a surface attraction—I want there to be a heartfelt desire to say—what the F is going to happen next. I want people to care as much as me. Lol. 

So, I know what everyone says about community involvement  I don’t have a problem with that. When do you know the time is right to launch a story, based on what I said above about changing and editing.

Also, me personally I feel like a story teller and having editors and beta readers would make it more enjoyable. I know it’s part of writing, but it would be less obsessing for me.

Thanks again. 

 

[Mikiesboy]

1 hour ago, DarkBishop said:

Here’s the thing. If I keep going back over the chapters, it’s never gonna be done. Lol. I mean, I could go back over chapter one again which will be my third time. I actually think this second version is better—and then someone may recommend something and I’ll be like I’ll do it again. And repeat. If I don’t get to the point where I say—I can’t squeeze anymore more juice from that grape—it’s never gonna be good. 

All thirty chapters of this book one are complete  I know that there are areas of the story that need buffed up  I read over your first chapter @Mikiesboy and I see how nice and thick your story is  I don’t wanna just make the story a surface attraction—I want there to be a heartfelt desire to say—what the F is going to happen next. I want people to care as much as me. Lol. 

So, I know what everyone says about community involvement  I don’t have a problem with that. When do you know the time is right to launch a story, based on what I said above about changing and editing.

Also, me personally I feel like a story teller and having editors and beta readers would make it more enjoyable. I know it’s part of writing, but it would be less obsessing for me.

Thanks again. 

 

You need to write the passion into it.. your feelings into it. Your characters have to be real...you know that though.  You need to find someone to read for you.  It's like having a mirror; someone who can give an opinion and thoughts/ suggestions.

[DarkBishop]

Like a beta reader? 

[DarkBishop]

I think it’s quite obvious that I’m going back to take a third stab at chapter one. I think some obvious things need to be better and I think building on story with some dialogue will help also. 

I think a beta reader would be nice and maybe once I approach chapter one I will make the complete thing available to those that would be interested. Probably can’t post the complete thing here. I’m assuming of course. 

And maybe even a bigger thing is slowing it down and making it more chapters if that’s the case. 

And maybe even a bigger decision is to take all unoriginal items out? Hmm. Not quite sure of that. 

[Talo Segura]

I read what you wrote here and that you are struggling a little and keep going back to it. You have read other stories here on GA and taken note of what advice people are offering, but still it's difficult. What you wrote, and we've discussed this before, reads rather like a screenplay. It doesn't help much to say that, so the only way I could find is to illustrate how I would approach writing this scene. Personally, I would not choose present tense, but that's a writing style choice, and of course, I'm not telling you to write like me. I'm hoping to illustrate moving your story idea from where it is towards a book you'd like to publish. I hope this helps.

 

Staring at the mirror an image is reflected back at him. His nose encrusted with blood, the red stain smeared across the front of his shirt. 

Reaching for the tap he lets the warm water pour into his hands. For a moment standing there looking from the mirror to the water. Gently he splashes his face, watching as the trails of blood run away in tiny rivulets across the white enamel.

He is twenty years old and his life is one of pain and agony.

There has to be more than this? The thought swims around in his head. You're not a loser, he tells himself.

The loud clack of a door slamming somewhere downstairs causes Mason to snatch the towel and dry his face. Moving quickly into his bedroom, he grabs a hoodie and pulls it on, hiding the blood stained shirt.

 

The small room is lit by glowing fire pots suspended from a tall ceiling. Statues of Kryptonian gods are lined up around the walls, like stone guards standing to attention.

The empty chamber is suddenly filled by the youngman who walks into the room. Mason stares at the well defined torso and almost naked figure, wearing simply what resembles tiny red Speedos. His eyes are fixed on the sight, drawn to the generous bulge.

Keanu, moves across the room. Standing in front of the tallest statue, he kneels. The young Kryptonian soldier pledges to serve his planet.

 

You've got the whole story written and that's an achievement in itself. You only need to take it and change it a little, move to a narrative description from a description of actions. You will have a great story.

[DarkBishop]

@Talo Segura - Thanks for the example of Superboy.  I appreciate your effort in this and it sounds quite nice.  I have some other problems that I don't really want to get into on the forum, but it's hard for me to do things.  At this point, I'm putting a hold on "Superboy" and all my writing  ventures because of personal issues.  I appreciate everything that you have done for me.  Someone mentioned about doing a graphic novel or comic book - that IS exactly what I wanted to do but my drawing is horrible.  Finding an artist would cost money for anything worthwhile.  I use to write scripts for years and that's why I wrote in Present Tense - I honestly don't understand why Present tense looks any different than Past Tense.  Because when you read a story you're then reading something that has already happened, but instead you write in a tense that shows the story happening right now.  I guess I'm too stupid to see what people are saying (lol), but I guess I see that my biggest thing is that "I'm not that great of a writer" - be honest, I look at what you wrote and see what I wrote and most definitely people are going to read your version more - BUT because of my "Personal Issues" it's harder for me to use "certain words" - Enough Said.  If I had money I would hire a ghost writer to write my story for me and be a writing team OR have someone co-write with me but that takes someone that is sold on your idea and wants to spend time writing on your idea.  Ahhh.  Anyways - Thanks!

[Mikiesboy]

42 minutes ago, DarkBishop said:

to

Write it your way. I have read  AC Benus' story in present tense and his scripts. They are effective, interesting and Good! No reason yours wont be too. Do what is right for you.

[Talo Segura]

I found this, I'm always reading stuff about how to write, and it's interesting: https://writerswrite.co.za/past-or-present-which-tense-tells-a-better-story/

I hope you work things out so you can get back to writing, sometimes it can be difficult, and especially with stuff going on in your life. But you should know that you have some great ideas and I really hope you don't give up on it completely. 

[Thorn Wilde]

If you feel more comfortable writing in present tense, then that's what you should do. There's nothing wrong at all with present.

To me, one thing that makes it read like a screenplay is the way you introduce characters. You go name, age, defining feature. You can describe them as you go. You can give an indication of how old they are elsewhere in the prose, or through dialogue. There's no need to state that Mason is twenty in his introduction when Eli says as much later. You can save details. Even names don't have to be given at once. 

Another thing is that we don't seem to be inside anyone's heads. We're very much watching everything from the outside. In a screenplay, that's obviously how it is. Most films or TV shows don't let you right into the characters' heads, with thoughts and feelings being expressed through acting. Here you have no actors to express them. If readers are to care about the characters, you need to let them in. We don't just want to know what Mason is doing, we want to know what he's feeling.

Other than that, yes, get a beta reader. Someone who can go into the specifics with you and offer advice. There are lots of wonderful beta readers and editors on the site. And as for you going over this for the third time... I don't post anything until I've read through, edited, polished, etc. at least five times before passing it on to my beta readers and/or editor. Of course you'll get to a point where you can't really do anything more, but there's no need to be impatient. You have time. You're on your own schedule, so just take it slowly.  

Moving from screenplays to novel-writing is a big step; they're very different formats. I think it's great that you want to broaden your horizons and try to write differently. As a short-story writer and novelist, I find the idea of writing a screenplay utterly daunting and I'm not at all sure I could. I'd have to start from scratch and forget everything I think I know. So I think you're really brave. I think the best thing you can do, honestly, is read. Learn from others and develop your own prose in your own voice from there. The story itself seems very interesting. Best of luck!