Reviews from e-fiction as of Dec. 22, 2010
Title: Chapter 12 -- An Eventful First Year
Reviewer: bugeye
I am glad I finished the story. Karl and Rence have a lot together. One of
the best stories on GA.Author's Response: Thanks for your support,
Sam. I'm glad you made it through to the end. It's been months since I finished
and I'm kinda missing some parts of the story. I've been busily working on a new
story. The next will be completed before i start to post. Different
process:different product. It's all new and an experiment to me.
Date: 09/23/2010 05:05 PM
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Title: Chapter 12 -- An Eventful First Year
Reviewer: Alan Keslian
This is very much the kind of novel that I enjoy.
Gay characters who are strongly drawn to each other sexually and emotionally
always interest me, whilst convincing stories about such relationships are very
rare. Tales of the so-called gay scene, or about poseurs, or rampant
promiscuity, hard core sex, kinky, sex etc. etc. are plentiful, but convincing
writing about gay relationships is unusual.
Both the main characters here have broken up with
partners some time previously. Karl was deserted, but in Cody's case he was the
one who decided to leave. That later each should both be lonely and feel
deprived of affection really set me thinking. In stories of break-ups one party
is commonly portrayed as being at fault, e.g. the one who finds someone else who
is sexier, richer - or decides that fun is what they wanted after all, without
the complications of a relationship. The dynamics between the characters here
have many more facets than that, and this makes them interesting and
likeable.
There is some excellent story telling too. The
incident in which a coyote is shot during a late drive to the farm in darkness
is thrilling, but also prepares for a broader change of tone from the
sophistication of city life to the rawness of rearing livestock on a remote
farm. Some of the longer exchanges in dialogue conveyed a real sense of the two
men developing an understanding of each other so effectively I wondered if you
had experience of screen writing.
Thanks so much for the opportunity to read this
novel. If I'd seen it in a bookshop I would have been happy to buy it.
I've been wondering a bit about your pen-name
“gardentuber”. I assume you do not have a large scale agricultural type of tuber
in mind, and hazard a guess at a dahlia or begonia cultivar, one doubtless much
sought after in horticultural circles.
Author's Response:
Alan, thank you for such a thoughtful comment. There is a subgroup of
readers on this website who enjoy fiction about relationships rather than sexual
encounters. This story has received a great deal of interest and support
from those folks. In checking how those folks identify themselves, they
tend to be older and a distinct number are women (on that last point... I hate
to say it conforms to a stereotype, but, well... I won't say it!).
I'm an older gay man, so I've experienced complex relationships. I know
that people who choose to end relationships aren't villains. I know that
people who are dumped are victims only if they choose to be. In rethinking
the story, I can imagine more being made of the protagonist's different
relationship history.
You mentioned screen writing. You mentioned finding a story such as
'Cody' on a bookstore shelf. I like those ideas (!), but as I mentioned an
embarrassing number of times, this was my first attempt at sharing my writing.
Let's just say; I care about the language; I care about what I read; I
care about how people interact. That is what motivated me to write
'Cody'.
As for the screen name... gardencorm doesn't have rhythm... bulbgardener is
too descriptive... potatohead? maybe... I like the rhythm of gardentuber and it
describes an aspect of gardening that has kept me fascinated for years -
gardening with geophytes (bulbs, tubers, corms and other underground storage
structures). Instead of Dahlias and Begonias, think Colchicums and
Cyclamen. I'm proud to say I have seven species of Cyclamen in my garden.
Woot!
Oh, and Alan, I've enjoyed reading your stories. Thank you for sharing
them. I like how you care for the language at the same time you care about
your characters. Does it sound too dull to say your stories are 'well
considered'?
Date: 07/07/2010 12:05 PM
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Title: Chapter 12 -- An Eventful First Year
Reviewer: phana14
Well, well, Mister garden tuber.
From a nervous start (yours) to questioning whether the story could run the
distance (mine) here we meet at the end. And you have floored me!
Do you remember my "eeeww" in the first or second post? Well now I understand
HOW an older couple can actually happen-actually be REAL!
This is a beautiful, touching story. Right up to the last few paragraphs I
was wondering how Karl and Rence could make their affection span those oh so
many miles that lay between their respective lives. But you covered that
distance so well.
I only have two more remarks about the story: I cannot BELIEVE that you
said "baby-snookums" and "sweetie honeybunch"! Dude, Really! And also I just
KNEW that Alain was gay when I saw him walking down the hallway in front of
Karl! Think about it. Loose fitting fruit of the looms? Oh yeah!
Sweet-cheeks!
Mr. gardentuber. Please keep writing stories, because I think you are VERY
good at it!
And thank you very much for this one.Author's Response:
phana14... you say the nicest things: that you forged a new understanding,
that the story kept you guessing, that you found it touching and beautiful.
Thank you so much, sugartuchus! Oh, and you realized that Alain was
gay long before I did... really. Like I wrote earlier, I can be a bit
naive.
Keep an eye out. I finally found a storyline that is easy to write.
You may see it up on GA this summer. This time, though, I'm gonna
finish the entire story before beginning to post. I believe it will aid in
the continuity (and diminish the pressure in getting chapters up in a timely
fashion).
Date: 06/30/2010 09:11 PM
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Title: Chapter 9 -- Trouble in Paradise (Los
Angeles) Reviewer: phana14
OK NOW, Mr. gardentuber!
It seems to me that ole Rencee is trying to use his young nephew as a carrot.
If that were the case, it would bring a question to MY mind straight away.
Is Rence SO enamored of Karl that he would use that method to "capture" Karl? Is
Rence actually that serious about starting a relationship? Or should we be
remembering how Karl was caught "looking" at Alain on that visit to the Ranch?
Huh?
Just curious!
The story is STILL moving along at a perfect pace, Mr. gardentuber. And right
at the moment I love both of the characters about equally. p
Thanks.Author's Response:
Holy Moly and Gadzooks! Dang, you thought that? No, truly,
sarcasm aside, the thought never crossed my mind. I'll admit to a degree
of (schooled) naivete. Was there a subconscious urge? No, despite
what some folks think, older guys aren't itchin' to jump into the sack with any
young guy. You know, fine wine, aged cheese... stuff like that...
Back when I was performing, a choreographer I was collaborating with gave me
a list of gestures to do. One (and I hope my powers of description are up
to the job) had my left hand holding my right wrist while my right hand made a
fist. I rotated my right forearm. Pretty simple. A friend (an
exotic dancer/dominatrix) saw the performance and later asked me privately, "Was
that gesture about fisting?"
You never know how you're going to be interpreted.
Thanks for sticking with it and even more, thanks for commenting! (and
even more... for being complimentary! I like compliments!)
Date: 06/30/2010 06:44 PM
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Title: Chapter 6 -- The Trip to the Ynzunza Ranch
Reviewer: phana14
Hello again, mr. gardentuber,
Your story shows that you are becoming much more comfortable with it. It has
become a whole lot smoother the farther I get into it.
I really love the fact that you are not hurrying Karl or Rence into anything.
That, I am sure, is due to their maturity. Because of that, I find that I would
much rather be curled up on a couch, in front of an open fire, with this story
on my lap, than sitting in front of this pc while the temperature outside is
just over 100 degrees.
In other words, Mr. gardentuber, first story or fiftieth story doesn't
matter. I am loving THIS story!
Thank you so much!!Author's Response:
Ugh! 100 degrees! That's uncivilized! Here in the PNW,
we've only topped 75 degrees once this season (it's exceptionally cool so far
this year... the tomatoes won't bear well I suspect). We're civilized, we
are (if tomato-less). But don't move here!
I agree, it's a better story to read on a laptop while curled up with in
front of a warm fire than to read under sweltering conditions.
Your enjoying the pacing implies that you are mature as well, at least for
your age ;}
Date: 06/30/2010 04:55 PM
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Title: Chapter 4 -- Sheep Stew Reviewer: phana14
Hey, Mr. gardentuber,
I am absolutely LOVING this story! Please continue. (ok--i'm jk)
At last I know why the *strange* names. I had been thinking maybe Native
American Indian. Guess not.
Thank you lots for the story so far! :)Author's Response:
HI again - it's strange to find new reviews to a story I stepped away from
over a month ago. It's satisfying to find that people (I mean you,
phana14) are just getting familiar with it.
I used to be a dancer/performer (legitimate of course). Dance is an
ephemeral art; when the dancing is done, the artwork is over. Even the
choreography exists mostly in the memories of the choreographer, performers and
audience. It's so unlike writing which creates this artifact... a story...
that continues to exist after the creative work is complete. I suppose
I'll get accustomed to this. Eventually.
I've been playing with/wrestling with a number of other plot lines, but
nothing so far... I get to chapter 6 or 7 and bog down. Someday, you might
find another gardentuber tale here on GA.
Until then, enjoy 'Cody in Wyoming'!
Date: 06/28/2010 07:43 PM
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Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: phana14
Hello again, Mr. gardentuber,
I had a little trouble back on chapter 2. I think maybe the *fancy* words
didn't quite fit the atmosphere of the story as I was reading it.
However, you more than made up for it in this chapter! To be perfectly
honest, at the start of the story I was thinking "two old men in a relationship?
eeeww. But somehow you opened my closed mind and I can see, really see,
something sweet can come of this budding interest that Karl and Rence have in
each other.
This is your story and I'm sticking to it!Author's Response:
Heya phana14... thanks for sticking with my story.
I believe (and hope) you'll find the reading easier as the story continues.
As mentioned earlier and repeatedly - this was a first attempt at sharing
my writing. I learned a great deal in the process.
Maybe to you an 'old man' elicited an initial 'eeeww' but to us older guys,
well, at least to me, I get tired of reading about kids getting off. You
know what I mean. "AUNGHHH!!! he screamed!" Been there, got the
t-shirt... etc... Like I said, I'm glad you've stuck with it. I
figure a tale of two people learning how to be intimate doesn't create the
readership of a tale of intrigue and adventure, but may be more true-to-life.
That's the assumption I'm working from. That and the assumption
it'll be interesting enough to build a modest readership.
So... thank you for reading.
Date: 06/28/2010 05:44 PM
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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: phana14
Hello, gardentuber!
Well. It is certainly interesting enough to make ME want to keep going.
So I shall.
Date: 06/28/2010 04:14 PM
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Title: Chapter 11 -- The Storm Before the Calm
Reviewer: Clovis
Excellent
Date: 05/07/2010 12:24 AM
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Title: Chapter 9 -- Trouble in Paradise (Los
Angeles) Reviewer: Clovis
This is fun...I knew that the world would not end if I couldn’t arrange to
be grafted onto Rence’s flank in the following three days.so is this: - What
was the verb form? Contuse? The description of the bashing and follow up is
excelent!!! You write very well.I find it incomprehensible, after all the
internal monologue of love feelings and phone calls that Karl should then sat he
didnt want to share a room. Were i Rence I'd drop him...Author's
Response:
Yeah, I would have been in Rence's/Karl's shorts in a quick minute.
But they chose to be more circumspect. Maybe if Alain hadn't
accompanied Rence they would have done the dirty? On NPR, I hear authors
talking about characters running away from them. I suppose that's what
Rence and Karl did.
It's fun writing. I'm so pleased that you're having fun reading.
Thank you for the compliment.
Date: 05/06/2010 04:52 PM
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Title: Chapter 8 -- "We Have To Talk"
Reviewer: Clovis
I’d love to be able to attend a concert or a play.Now it's Rence who
sounds prissy. Why not "I'd love to see you on stage?" then Karl speaks
normally for the forst time... I hadn’t yet caught my breath. “Rence… that was…
awesome… f**kin’ incredible! I’m never gonna forget that! I wanna do it again.”
Suddenly he seems like a real person and i like him.Dialogue is so important
to get right - to make the characters believable. A very sweet and lovely
chapter, what a dilemma! The end notes are unnecessary. I love the way you write
sometimes.... "the semiotics of the attire".... Are you really like that? is
that how you speak? You should write an autobiography... i think you're
interesting.Author's Response:
Oh dear! I'm finding I want to explain myself. It that's necessary,
then I've failed the first time 'round, in writing the story. To my mind,
Rence just wanted access to culture, access he didn't have because of living on
his ranch but that he'd once had at the U of Nevada - Reno. Good point,
though; Rence probably would
like to see Karl onstage.
Again, I had to reread the chapter. I'm becoming more and more aware
how it could use a rewrite, especially to tighten up on the dialog, as you've
pointed out.
'Semiotics of attire'? Well, I do talk about semiotics, now and again.
While writing, I liked the phrase 'semiotics of attire'. I like the
repetition of the 't's.
Date: 05/05/2010 04:42 PM
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Title: Chapter 7 -- Day at the Y Ranch
Reviewer: Clovis
Oh dear... Karl came across as a spoiled brat there for a bit. Redeemed
himself at the end. His description of acting being just a job is very good and
true, plus the terrible downside of fame, sexy description of Rence...
interecting to learn about the dangers of coyotes...Author's Response:
Don't know what you Aussies have that corresponds with coyotes. They
form the basis for a number of Native American myths. They're a
'trickster' character, full of 'up yours' and just a little too smart for their
own good but willing to puncture the egos of self-assured humans. I hear
them some nights as I lay in bed. They make the most outlandish sounds.
Sometimes, I think a baby's being killed slowly. My friends
tell tales of losing sheep to the varmints. 'All we found was a rear leg
and the stomach.' Lovely. You can't keep outdoor cats around here -
or small dogs - between the coyotes and the bald eagles.
Yeah, Karl's a bit full of himself. His heart's in the right place
though.
Date: 05/05/2010 12:48 AM
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Title: Chapter 6 -- The Trip to the Ynzunza Ranch
Reviewer: Clovis
Excellent first two paragraphs! The rest is fine too, but your somewhat
dry, almost academic style is not what one would expect in a "Western Roamnce".
phrases like: 'I had struggled with my libido but was glad now that I hadn’t
acceded to the desire for quick intimacy.'the chatter among the adolescent
admirers was convincing. .Author's Response: I've always thought a
writer should reread his/her entire story before preparing a new chapter (at
least if they're writing a serial as I did). Then I wrote this story and didn't
bother. My writing style slid around a lot over the months I wrote. You'll see
that as the story comes to a conclusion. I think (hope) it's less dry and
academic. I can't believe I had the chutzpah to write teenspeak. At least that
wasn't too academic!
Date: 05/04/2010 05:13 AM
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Title: Chapter 5 -- Sheep Stew Revisited & The
Theater Reviewer: Clovis
This is a very chatty story. lots of intimate family details and goins on
that have little to do with the plot... scene setters. That's interesting for a
while. Sometimes I think your prose is a bit too elaboratly polite -- for
example, you write: “Well, Karl, that’s a good place to start. Can you stay with
me while I recite a little family history?”I nodded and gave him a
non-verbal cue to show my agreement."surely it would go something like
this:"Are you sure? Family histories can get pretty boring" I nodded and
grinned to show I was genuinely interested.As an ex-actor, I have met many
Anthonys... Karl did well to refuse.Punctuation of speech is simple. Start
with the "marks, then if the speech is long and requires a new paragraph, don't
stop the "s, simply carry on until the end and then put them in. If you put in "
part way through a speech, it makes me think another person has begun to speak.
Your trick of telling the story of Cody as a series of flashbacks, is novel
and entertaining.Author's Response:
Somewhere around chapter 9 I started to read the dialog aloud and realized
how stilted mine could sound. I've tried to improve on that aspect of
writing. In fact, you'll find that I've become enamored of dialog and
tried to remove descriptions of action and let the dialog tell the entire tale,
like a theatrical script. It was the kind of goal (like a school
assignment) I set for myself to keep exploring writing while I continued to
extend the plot.
i tried several different ways to structure dialog while writing the story.
Some weren't so successful! I lean heavily on the excuse of being a
new writer.
And finally, Anthony... if truth be told, I was a bit of an Anthony when I
was in my twenties. I'm not so proud of that part of my history.
Date: 05/04/2010 01:55 AM
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Title: Chapter 4 -- Sheep Stew Reviewer: Clovis
Aw shucks... I must say Karl is a bit slow on the uptake... bet he's a
bottom as well.
Date: 05/03/2010 09:37 PM
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Title: Chapter 4 -- Sheep Stew Reviewer: Clovis
Aw shucks... I must say Karl is a bit slow on the uptake... bet he's a
bottom as well.Author's Response:
No comment.
You're forcing me to reread the story, which means I'm finding errors that I
missed the first time round. I'm finding errors and am seeing how much
I've learned while writing the story over these 9 months (or so). It's
great to revisit the scene of the crime.
Date: 05/03/2010 09:37 PM
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Title: Chapter 2 Reviewer: Clovis
I loved all the possible scenarios that might encompass the life of Cody.
It was amusing to read this: ".... thoughts of my mom’s coming move to the
radio..." Had to stop and think for a bit. Well, this was a surprise... not
the obvious thing at all... makes it interesting.Author's Response:
Ewww... you.... I hate you! I hate you!!! I have been humiliated here on GA!
Shamed! I will now sulk in a dark corner.
OK... I hate making stupid mistakes. Really I do. And that error
was (is) a pretty rich one! Yes, it's true, the mother is moving to an
alternate reality, but because she's of an age, it'll be on the radio, rather
than on the web. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
What I want most is for a reader to be able to read along without having to
stop to wonder what I meant as an author. I've tried to keep double
meanings to attempted witticisms rather than ham handed and clumsy locutions
like you pointed out. An editor, that's what I need!
Date: 05/03/2010 09:06 PM
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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: gardentuber
This is tiresome! I respond to a review and it doesn't appear in the frame.
Argh! And now the font size is funky! Oh! Horrors!
So, the response to Clovis' review follows:
It's true... I get tired of reading about teens. There's a lot of drama in a
teenager's life, but it's not like human development and drama end at 20. And
I'm not a teen anymore (insert sardonic emoticon here).
I had to check on the story to understand your comment about the gas pump. It
was the cardswipe on the pump that didn't function (so you couldn't pay at the
pump, forcing Karl inside to pay), not the pump itself. This interaction
describes an event in my life a few years ago, an event upon which the rest of
the story is fabricated. I hate missing obvious errors (though you're sure to
find some as you read further). Since the story was written and edited chapter
by chapterl, there are some inconsistencies between chapters. It could use a
re-edit.
As as for them getting together... Well, I'm probably not gonna shock you
with a spoiler, but they do. Eventually. It's a pretty simple plot line, but I
figured I'd keep it simple on my first time out the gate.
Thanks, Clovis!
Date: 05/03/2010 09:02 AM
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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Clovis
What a relief to read about normal mature men. Good description of the
store guy... The note said the gas pumps were out of service, but then they
worked perfectly? Good start, I already want them to get
together.Author's Response: Author's Response: Author's
Response:
Date: 05/03/2010 01:14 AM
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Title: Chapter 12 -- An Eventful First Year
Reviewer: Kevin Caucher
Great ending to a great story. Ha, how lucky I was to get introduced to
this!Very nice. :)Author's Response: Gee, thanks! I'm relieved that
you found the ending acceptable. I'm not experienced at writing, so I worried
about providing sufficient resolution, especially after my first attempted
ending (which got a lot of negative feedback!) As stated elsewhere, no harm done
and no hard feelings. Thanks, Kevin
Date: 04/29/2010 01:31 PM
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Title: Chapter 12 -- An Eventful First Year
Reviewer: Nephylim
I never thought that fishing could be interesting And discussions on
cheese, I LOVE Mona... she reminds me of my daughter I like the sound of the
tattoo... I don't know why it surprised me. Didn't have Rence marked as a
tattoo kind of guy. The sex was wicked and sweet at the same time. And the
ending.... the ending is awesome :)Author's Response:
You've got
a daughter like Mona? Wow! Cool! I had so much fun writing that portion. I'm
still amazed that that language came from me, quiet little church mouse that I
am.
Years ago, I read a book about fishing. I've never had the patience for
it myself, but the writing made it sound spiritual. It's amazing what gets
regurgitated!
The tattoo... it's a cultural thing, or Rence saw it that way... I had
such a good time researching Basque culture to write this.
Really, you thought the ending was awesome? For real? Thank you!
So much!
Now... I'm going to focus on other writing projects for a while.
Laters!
Date: 04/29/2010 10:01 AM
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Title: Chapter 11 -- The Storm Before the Calm
Reviewer: bugeye
This story is well worth the exploration.
Penultimate? Well, I look forward to the last chapter then. And to a new
story following this one?Author's Response: Yeah... I want to give
this one a rest. I don't know if I'm quite done with them, in the larger scheme,
but I'm ready to, well, like I wrote... give them a rest. Maybe some day I'll
revisit them. The story's not going to be done completely, but it'll reach a
degree of conclusion in the next chapter. I've put some time into another story,
more of an autobiography. I want to give it some attention. Then, there are
several other fictional accounts I'm flirting with.
Date: 03/28/2010 06:18 PM
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Title: Chapter 10 -- Finally at the Jaialdi!
Reviewer: bugeye
The part of my review where I gave this chapter five stars didn't post. Can't
have that.Author's Response: I tell you, something's buggy and I
don't mean you, Bugeye! As noted earlier, I've responded to other posts and the
response didn't show, even though it was confirmed on the site. Harumph! Thanks
for those shiny, sparkley stars! They're pretty!
Date: 03/26/2010 11:49 PM
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Title: Chapter 10 -- Finally at the Jaialdi!
Reviewer: bugeye
This chapter reminded me all over why I love this story. The beauty of being.
Well written and so dear to the heart of life.Author's Response:
Thanks, Bugeye!
Date: 03/25/2010 05:57 PM
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Title: Chapter 9 -- Trouble in Paradise (Los
Angeles) Reviewer: bugeye
Such a strong well written story.Author's Response: Thank you,
Bugeye. Your kind words and your support mean a lot to me. They help motivate me
to write. Receiving plaudits from someone you admire is very special. Thank
you.
Date: 03/22/2010 06:26 PM
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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Kevin Caucher
Ah. This is a great story. I'm glad I got introduced to this and get
addicted. But then, I'm waiting. :PGreat job, gardentuber.Author's
Response: I'm working on it, I swear! Every chapter is so different. If I were
to write a cohesive story, I can imagine how hard it would be to write with a
consistent voice throughout the entire piece. This one's so all-over-the-place.
Still, it's nice to just write, proof and re-write without my 'critic' getting
too involved. At least for this first attempt. Feel free to introduce others to
the story. Trying to drum up business here!
Date: 03/21/2010 11:59 PM
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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: gardentuber
OK, this is annoying. I responded to Nephylim's comment, but it doesn't
appear on the page, so this is the text, below. What follows refers to Neph's
review.Well, Nephylim, back in the day (early 80's), back in San
Francisco, there was a troupe of 'street tap dancers' who practiced near the
dance studio where I rehearsed and taught (modern & post-modern, not tap).
Rosie Radiator was the name of the leader, if my memory serves. It was a trip to
see 20+ people tapping en masse down the street in the industrial neighborhood.
And the sound! No one, however, wore a gorilla costume and a bikini. As I
remember, I dated a guy briefly who was a slack rope walker/acrobat/tap dancer
with a local circus troupe. I'm afraid he's long since passed as have most of
the men I knew back then. Sad face...Alain... what a piece of work!
Thanks for liking him, even wen he as a shit! I'm interested with the
lack of communication that occurs in conversations, especially confrontational
ones. You know, one person makes a point, their adversary makes a point that
doesn't actually bear on the first person's, though the points are related --
and so on. And another thing... I'm interested in how accusations are made that
are so off the mark, so full of assumptions, but that are so layered that
there's no way to respond to them without addressing each one individually and
in order. Who's got time for that, especially when you're feeling attacked and
are flustered and feeling defensive? Of course, some people have the perfect
response to every situation. Some people can think on their feet. Some people
are verbally gifted. Know anyone like that?As for ending the story...
I'm wanting to either try another story line or take a break. I've got a few
other potential plots that I'm stewing over. I've promised myself to write only
one at a time, knowing how easy it would be to start and then never complete a
story. Story of my life!I didn't proof this last chapter as thoroughly
as I usually do. I've not had the nerve to reread it, so I'm hoping there aren't
too many typos and related goofs!
Date: 03/12/2010 12:09 AM
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Title: Chapter 11 -- The Storm Before the Calm
Reviewer: Nephylim
'Hell, I don’t know if a gorilla in a bikini came tap dancing down the
street' Awesome... now that I would love to see
That was a pretty emotional chapter. I felt for Alain, I really did and
I can't help but say that I liked him even when he was being a shit
Another great chapter in a great story. I'm sorry it's coming to an end but
hey... all good things end. Don't worry I'm not expecting flowers and
fanfares. Like you said... life isn't like that. There are never any
happy ever after's... a happy for now will do.Author's Response:
Author's Response: Author's Response:
Date: 03/10/2010 04:41 AM
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Title: Chapter 9 -- Trouble in Paradise (Los
Angeles) Reviewer: acht-acht
Hi Brook, I´m happy you´re coming up with more chapters as
promised!
“Also, we talked about lambing, about guarding against
uterine prolapse, and about ewe’s milk production, liveweight gain and pasture
forage ratios. Strangely, I found Rence’s descriptions of his herds
fascinating. Despite feeling miffed that he hadn’t been around to provide
care during my recuperation, I kept asking him for more details as he described
his work on the ranches. My intended chilliness simply wasn’t working out
as I had intended. I found myself enjoying and looking forward to our
conversations when we could arrange the time. Despite the geographical
distance, our friendship was deepening.”
See, this ist just the way this story works for me … you draw
me in with the non-urban content!
“Shouldn’t he have made it a point of being by my side while that
exasperating police officer quizzed me yet again, trying to get a description of
my assailant? Shouldn’t he have seen through my protestations that
everything was alright and made it a point to be with me? I just didn’t
have the confidence that he was seriously interested in me and in us as a
couple, aside from thinking I was sexy. He still needed to prove himself
and his dedication before I was willing to think about us as a couple.”
Boo-hoo! Stop being such a girl, Karl At first I thought
the stabbing was just a story device to get Rence to LA (which would have
been a little so-so) … but it´s much better this way. You really do capture
awkward beautifully. “Bye, Rence. We’ll work out a way to see one
another.” LOL - that´s as good as an insult in my book. What struck me was
how beautifully choreographed the stabbing scene was, juggling the curries etc,
really like seeing everything in slow motion and great detail. Nice!! But it´s
real shitty when something like that spoils the first good chrush you´ve had for
quite a while.
“Then, I ran from hot to cold. Now, the mature me ran
from cool to tepid. In truth, I don’t know which is better, but I don’t
miss the maddening fluctuations. I feel much more ‘civilized’ and mature
now. “ Haha … right: there´s nothing wrong with keeping your feelings
within a range between cold and tepid for a time. A life and a relationship can
only endure so much drama – and even downright BORING can feel nice for a while.
Now I´m wondering wether things are gonna heat up again at the Jaialdi, or if
there are more unexpected rural obstacles ahead. It´s cool that Rence doesn´t
give up though.
Intimacy – sex – Jesus! It had been a really… long…
time. XD!!
I´m waiting!! Cheers, Clara
Author's Response:
Hey Clara,
Thanks as always for the positive comments. I'm so (so very, very) pleased
you've picked up on the subtext I've tried to create for the characters. I'm so
glad you can see Karl's short comings. I like him, but he's a bit of a prima
donna. I keep trying to illustrate his ambivalence without his saying "I was
feeling ambivalent". It only gets worse in the next chapter (before it gets
better)... but it's taking me a long time to write it. I keep forgetting that
I've not uploaded it yet because I've been living with it for several weeks now.
You're giving me some impetus to 'get on the stick' and continue with Rence
& Karl's story. I hope you'll be pleased.
Yeah, the stabbing scene... You know how reality morphs during an emergency
situation, how time and space contract? I come from a family that believes
in 'stiff upper lip... chin up, chest out'. We try to turn every situation
into a 'normal' occurrence. We're not heroes. Karl and his family
are modeled on mine. He tries so hard to be 'normal' and 'well behaved'
after being stabbed. I liked the play of his consciousness as he comes to
realize that he's far outside his definition of 'normal'.
Finally, looking at the quotation from the story, I see a grammatical error,
"Now, the mature me ran from cool to tepid." Shouldn't that read, "Now, the
mature me runs from cool to
tepid"? I remember proofreading it and thinking, 'something's wrong here',
but I couldn't identify the error. Now, it's blatant (not, 'Now, it was blatant)! Doh! I hate
making mistakes!
Date: 02/06/2010 05:32 PM
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Title: Chapter 9 -- Trouble in Paradise (Los
Angeles) Reviewer: Nephylim
Wow that was an intense chapter. I so love this story. It's sweet how
Karl almost convinved himself to distance himself from Rence but the
relationship just wouldn't let him go.Author's Response: You know...
each chapter is a challenge and an experiment for me. This one was an
exploration of drama (melodrama?). I never planned on harming my protagonist,
but it seemed the right thing to do. He just seemed too smug! Am I wicked? Your
imprecation to keep the story rolling has made me explore more of the
relationship between the two guys. I'm looking forward to their next encounter.
Boise, here we come! Mmmm! Pan fried trout! (or not... gotta wait to find out...
he he he...)
Date: 01/13/2010 05:00 AM
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Title: Chapter 8 -- "We Have To Talk"
Reviewer: acht-acht
Hey, that´s the last chapter? Why??? No!!! I was expecting like ... 8 more
chapters apprx. Will read tomorroe, but I still sthink you owe us some more
chapters/ epilogues/ future vignettes. ClaraAuthor's Response: Oh
Man... I blew it. Sorry to all. I'll have to figure out how to edit the comment.
Gotta keep my readers happy. It's just that I wanted to, I don't know, move
along a bit. I'll strap on the old feed bag and return to the harness and get
back to work. Sorry, gotta go... I've got some writing to do... ;-]
Date: 12/23/2009 06:57 PM
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Title: Chapter 8 -- "We Have To Talk"
Reviewer: bugeye
A great story has purpose and design and the fulfilment of these aspirations
is an author's greatest achievement. Like a sunset, this story's beauty is there
to be seen by any who turn and look.Author's Response: That is very
kind, bugeye. Thank you.
Date: 12/23/2009 04:50 PM
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Title: Chapter 8 -- "We Have To Talk"
Reviewer: Nephylim
Oh yes. You can't just leave them like this. This is not a
conclusion. You have to tell us more. This is a beautiful
heartwarmind story and I need to know more. I need to know how it ends...
or how it begins :)Author's Response: Oh alright. Shows you what I
know about writing. And I thought I had provided enough of a conclusion. My
error. Alright, I'll harness up the horses again and get out there and plow the
field of literature once again. For you... I kind of know what I had planned for
the 'epilogue' anyway. I hate epilogues (well, alright, I like them, but I hate
it if they're necessary). I guess an epilogue is necessary for this story.
Again, shows you what I know!
Date: 12/23/2009 02:26 PM
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Title: Chapter 7 -- Day at the Y Ranch
Reviewer: bugeye
It was more than a story to read, it was an experience to enjoy and
remember.
Date: 12/08/2009 12:45 PM
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Title: Chapter 6 -- The Trip to the Ynzunza Ranch
Reviewer: bugeye
I'm in story heaven.
Date: 12/08/2009 11:48 AM
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Title: Chapter 7 -- Day at the Y Ranch
Reviewer: Nephylim
What a sweeet ending indeed. I so love this story. It is slow and
sweet and gentle even when there are terrible things going on. It's like
pulling on a pair of comfortble slippers after a long hard day. not to say
that it is boring or uninspiring, no not at all, I find it very inspiring in
fact. Wonderful job
Date: 12/08/2009 08:52 AM
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Title: Chapter 6 -- The Trip to the Ynzunza Ranch
Reviewer: Nephylim
As always this is well written, charming and sensitive. I feel that we
are getting to know the characters and as their relationship develops we get
sucked into it, wanting it to work, caring about whether it works. The
descriptions are vivid and the emotions real. It's a great
storyAuthor's Response: You've been a loyal reader. Thanks for
sticking with it, especially as you're shackled to your computer with your
commitment to NaNoWriMo! Yeah, this being my first attempt at sharing my
writing, I've permitted myself a simple and direct plot line, no big surprises,
eh? Yeah, I want the relationship to work too and I even have an idea how it
might work, as improbable as the relationship is. Yeah, the characters are
likable; one wants them to be happy. That tells you something about my world
view, doesn't it! It's time for the protagonists to sit down and talk, don't you
think? Kind of a 'put up or shut up' time for the story. I'm getting tired of
their dancing around their mutual interest (should that read 'pussy footing'?).
I'm hard at work on the next chapter...
Date: 11/06/2009 01:53 AM
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Title: Chapter 5 -- Sheep Stew Revisited & The
Theater Reviewer: bugeye
From the first paragraph I loved it. Just great. The real thing, real
writing.Author's Response: Bugeye, Thank you. It's great to think
that the chapter is engaging or even gripping. Some chapters have been easy to
write, others are pulling teeth. I like to think I'm a nice guy. I want the
story to be nice. I want the characters to be nice and to be nice to one
another. What a drama killer, all this niceness! Making characters less nice
makes the writing harder for me. I suppose I should try to write something with
some really evil villains to cure me of all this niceness. Next story? I'm
trying to create characters that have some depth to them, that endure internal
conflict and suffer setbacks (or at least have suffered them). I don't know if
that makes for a "realer" story, but I thank you for finding a sense of reality
in this tale. Thanks, Bugeye!
Date: 11/05/2009 08:36 PM
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Title: Chapter 4 -- Sheep Stew Reviewer: bugeye
Why do I like this story so much? Is it the story? Is it the way you tell it?
Is it just the words? Is it the realness, the honesty?
Date: 10/29/2009 09:34 PM
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Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: bugeye
Wow.Author's Response:
Date: 10/28/2009 07:39 PM
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Title: Chapter 2 Reviewer: bugeye
Simple, direct and concise storytelling. Consuming,
mesmerizingAuthor's Response: Wow! I wrote a full response to your
review of chapter three and it disappeared! Damn! Anyway... thanks for your
enthusiastic responses. It getting more difficult to write as the story
progresses, I've been trying to elaborate the characters and situations more,
but that means the later chapters are less direct, simple or concise. I'm
wrestling with the desire for detail and the desire for simplicity. In any case,
thank you very much!
Date: 10/27/2009 10:02 PM
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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: bugeye
Elegant.
Date: 10/26/2009 08:45 PM
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Title: Chapter 5 -- Sheep Stew Revisited & The
Theater Reviewer: acht-acht
Layover sounds good. More please!
Cheers, ClaraAuthor's Response: Yeah... next chapter. I've got it
mapped out up here (he gestures to his head). I've got to get to work, eh?
Thanks for the comment. Cheers!
Date: 10/26/2009 08:45 AM
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Title: Chapter 4 -- Sheep Stew Reviewer: Nephylim
This just gets better and better. I love the detail, the slowly
building tension, the sweet little cameos like the dogs in the yard, the
humour... do sheep grin? This is an important question in sheep country
which the Welsh valleys cetainly qualify as... I like it all. I am feeling for
the both of them and I hope they will find a way.Author's Response:
If you have an answer the question about sheepish grins (or the meaning of the
word "homeron") please share it with me! I'm having a wonderful time writing
this. Sharing it is not as much fun, but it's the writing that's most important,
no?. Thanks for your enthusiastic support, Nephylim. It feels wonderful that
what I've worked up has connected with another person. Thanks for telling me/us
of your enjoyment. As for getting them together... I haven't figured out how to
accomplish it. I am a romantic. I want it to happen, honest!
Date: 09/12/2009 06:21 AM
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Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: Nephylim
I am so glad you decided to go ahead with this story. I love all the
little touches... the musings about the French song, the snowball fight with
Butch. The imaginary relationship is sweet and I am intrigued to find out
how the real relationship develops. I am also intrigued about Rence's
change of speech. Hiding something? I am sure he is not entirely
what he seems. This is a very maturely written story and I like that about
it, I like it a lot. Can't wait for the next
installment.Author's Response: Thanks as always, Nephylim. "maturely
written story"... interesting concept. I think it's a bit stodgy, myself, but
then I'm a bit stodgy, so, this being my first attempt at sharing a story, the
characters are a bit like me. They say, "write what you know"! That's what I'm
doing. As is apparent, I'm doing this slowly, developing the story, that is.
I'll continue with the story and am developing the next installment currently.
It may take a bit of time as I've got company this week. Soon, soon....
Date: 08/28/2009 05:49 AM
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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: David McLeod
Having driven the interstates across Utah, Wyoming, and Colorado in
conditions as you described, I found it very easy to fall into your story. It is
a nice character study: we learn just enough to allow an image to begin to form,
but little enough that we still have questions...and reason to read
more.Author's Response: Thanks David! I'm having a ball working on
this. I'm not a writer or I wasn't before beginning to work on this. It's
satisfying to get an extension of myself out into the world. I'm looking forward
to expanding this beyond a character study and am wrestling with how to
accomplish that. GA is a great venue to experiment and explore the activity of
writing. It's not intimidating at all... or not much... (can't quite work out
the syntax on that last sentence!)
Date: 08/16/2009 09:50 AM
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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Headwind
Nice stuff. Well written with great character development and very
visual scene setting. Hope you will continue the story cause I feel a lot
more in there someplace. Thanks for sharing
HeadwindAuthor's Response: Yes, there will be more. I'm working
slowly on a second chapter and have an outline for a few more. The second
chapter should be ready soon. Subsequent chapters are rattling around in my
brain... making a lot of noise, especially with the echos.
Date: 08/08/2009 01:46 PM
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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Nephylim
I like it. I am loving Butch and Karl is an engaging character with an
interesting mind. As a cameo it was entertaining and intriguing enough to
make me want to see more.Author's Response: Yeah, Butch is my
favorite character so far. Kind of like my dog, annoying and endearing by turns.
"Cameo"... what a nice term for my first, slight attempt at fiction. It makes
the story sound so... precious. I don't think I'm done just yet. I suspect there
will be more installments. I just don't want to make any promises or lead anyone
on. Thank you.
Date: 08/04/2009 02:27 PM
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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Timmy5
Great start(and great music), would love to see more. : )Author's
Response: Thanks for the kind words. I'm so pleased you mentioned the music. I
like to support the musicians whose music I enjoy. Glad you like them too. As
for more... I think I will. This has been a positive experience so far and I
don't feel done with the characters yet. So far, I'm just dabbling, getting my
feet wet (or maybe just moistened), so to speak.
Date: 08/04/2009 10:46 AM
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