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AFriendlyFace

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  1. AFriendlyFace
    I can't believe it's been a decade since I last updated this blog. Heck, I can't believe it's been almost seventeen years since I joined Gay Authors. Indeed, I see there's a shiny gold "20 years" under the logo now, and it's both gratifying that I was there nearish the beginning and also a bit sad that I've missed most of those years.
    I've a lot to thank Gay Authors for. It was insanely formative for me as a young person figuring out my sexuality and taking those early first steps out of the closet. The story of one's life is never over until it's over of course, but with quite a few years behind me since my earliest blog entries, it is fun to reflect on how things turned out -- at least for now.
    I originally took a big step back from Gay Authors in 2010 after entering a serious relationship so that I could prioritize spending time with my new paramour. That worked out. We've been together ever since. Last month marked twelve years for our relationship as a whole and we finally decided to marry in 2019.
    I'm delighted and amused to see that several of my old entries pseudonymously reference a circle of close friends that's still intact -- though we now live spread out all over (and outside of) the country. We still get together a couple of times a year for holidays though when everyone "comes home" and we text regularly throughout the day in a group thread.
    My earliest posts mention my cat Lucky and her brother Timmy. Seventeen years on Lucky is still my beloved sweet girl and now a two-time cancer survivor who's undergone several major surgeries. She'll be eighteen this summer and is still thriving and living her best life. Alas, Timmy died so long ago that I wonder, but don't recall, if one of my past entries mentions his passing, but yeah it's been over a decade.
    In my very first entry I said:
    That happened. And ended. For about eight years I worked for a marketing firm writing articles on a wide range of topics and doing technical product writing. I loved it and I'm beyond grateful for that time in my life. Besides just being a generally nice period and pleasant lifestyle, it certainly helped me hone the craft. But three years ago the company closed and I transitioned into something else. Off and on throughout that time, and currently "on," I maintained fiction writing as a hobby. I'd say my next big goal on that front is to work on something I actually want to publish, but it'll be at least a few years before I actively pursue that. In the meantime my focus is finishing up some WIPs I don't intend to publish.
    As the title of this entry proclaims, this focus of this particular post is more of a "here's what happened" with things discussed in past entries. Perhaps I'll focus more on new developments in future entries.
    That said, I don't have a firm plan either way for my return to Gay Authors. I was thinking it might be nice to sort of ease back in though -- post a few blogs, keep an eye out for some discussion topics in The Lounge that make me want to weigh in, maybe check out a story or two and comment, and perhaps eventually make an anthology submission or post or short story.
    ...or maybe I won't be back until 2032. I guess we'll see. 😛
    Anyway, much love, Gay Authors. Whether I'm back in five minutes, five years, or never at all, you'll always hold a special place in my heart. ❤️
     
    (How do I post this thing? What do you mean I need a category?! Oh hell, "Updates" I guess.)
     
     
  2. AFriendlyFace
    I like blogging. I like just sitting around and thinking or chatting about a topic. Writing out my thoughts is nice because it helps me frame them in a more concrete way. It's nice just doing it in my head, but it's more fun and more satisfying on a computer screen...not on a piece of paper, physically writing sucks. Typing is nice though. Anyway, over the years I've grown thoroughly attached to this site and its members and whatever else I'm doing in my life I still enjoy a place to just sit and thing, and type about it, so I figure it might as well be here.
     
    A few short updates about my life since I figure that's the least I can do before I ramble about inconsequential topics. The boyfriend and I are doing well, in exactly a week it'll be two years. Work is lovely this time of year. This is our slowest time of year, and since I work from home anyway, it mostly means that I can sit around all day doing whatever I like as long as I keep one eye and ear on my work computer. Not a prob
     
    I've been enjoying my hobbies quite a bit as well. It's very hard to avoid reading. Despite being a technophobe I opted to get an Amazon Kindle (I once started a thread on these in the Lobby when they first came out! :-P) as well as finally jumping on the Ipod wagon. So anyway, I adore the Kindle, strongly prefer it to physical books. I go through a couple of books a week, which is a lot for me given what a slow, methodical reader I tend to be. Interestingly though, I also tend to read more on the Ipod than I listen to music or do anything else. The graphics, browser, and interface are much better on the Ipod (which I think is called an Ipod Touch) than they are on the Kindle. Which is fine because I didn't want the Kindle to be flashy and distracting. I kind of want it to be only good for reading books (and buying new ones), because that's all I want to do on it. So I read the books on the Kindle, but I've found that "web reading" is so much better on the Ipod than it is on the Kindle or the computer screen. The thing I don't like about reading for hours on a laptop that you're stuck with this big, heavy, bulky thing. A tiny handheld reading device like the Kindle or Ipod (or *gasp* a real book) is way better to read on. So with its flashy browser capabilities the Ipod is ideal for handheld reading...but yeah I keep getting distracted with games, music, and the rest of the internet when I use it, so I'm glad the Kindle's there for more hardcore reading.
     
    Anyway all this reading has, unsurprisingly resparked my desire to write so I've taken that back up again. Unfortunately I have to admit that I don't really plan to post the stuff here. I'm hoping to attempt real life publishing and as a last result might try eBook publishing. In any case I don't intend to do it for years. I'm working on a series of books and I have no intention of publishing anything, or even showing it to anyone, until I have like the first four or five completely finished. That way I can make them as complicated as I would like since I can go back and add/remove things to all the previous stuff. I find that when I post online on a chapter by chapter basis, even if I'm pretty far ahead, I end up wishing I could change something, but it's too late (or at least feels too late) since it's already "out there." I'd really want to shoot myself if I had a great idea in book four that was being precluded by something I'd written in book one. So yeah, gonna wait and work a long time on these before they see the light of day.
     
    This winter has been surprisingly pleasant. One of the best ones I've had in years. I've been lazy and energetic, like I get every winter, but I've avoided the anhedonia and enveloping numbness this year. Granted, I haven't felt like going out and partying, but at least I've felt like staying in and reading and writing rather than being disinterested in everything and marking time till spring.
     
    The boyfriend and I have been living together about a year and a half now. Overall it's been remarkably smooth and pleasant. The main conflict comes from the fact that I'm a really tidy, organized person. I really am the sort of person who has a place for everything. I don't own any items that I leave in random places. What's more, I don't even acquire new items unless I can mentally figure out where I'll be keeping them. I definitely like for all items to go back to their designated places at the end of every use. The boyfriend on the other hand is the sort of person who picks something up, uses it, and then just puts it down wherever he happens to be. He'll think nothing of leaving the soy sauce sitting on the coffee table or at his desk indefinitely. That really doesn't work for me. I'm also the sort of person who won't even think about going to bed until everything is put away. Him on the other hand, when he gets tired that's it. Since I have to go to bed earlier than he does for work, that means that every morning I end up cleaning and tidying. Somehow I'm still always shocked by it too. My god! he left his half full glass of tea on the table next to saran wrap from something he opened! Somehow this just shocks me more than it annoys me. I couldn't have slept knowing it was out there if I were him.
     
    I'm also generally just a great deal more organized than he is. I got really ticked off last month because he just up and told me that we had to drop everything and go visit his mom for her birthday. I like his mom, I agree that it's important to visit family for special occasions. What annoyed me is that I had zero notice, and why? Not because he forgot to tell me (although he probably would have ), but because he forgot her birthday was coming up at all. He hadn't known at all until his dad texted him. That also meant of course that he didn't have a present, and although I tried to insist that we just go pick something up on the way, he refused because "he doesn't like to get things just to get them. It has to be something he knows the person will like" and he didn't have any ideas. Which is fine, quite thoughtful actually, but that ship had sailed and personally I would have rathered gotten something nice, but generic than shown up empty handed.
     
    Of course I'm not trying to make him sound bad or difficult to be with; he's certainly not. He's very thoughtful and agreeable. He's also quite a lot less set his ways than I am, and in all honesty he puts up with nagging, neurotic requests far better than I could put up with similar such things from someone like me. If he were as particular as I am about how things are done and where they go then we never could have put up with each other.
  3. AFriendlyFace
    Just thought I'd drop by and post a bit. Say hi to everyone, etc.
     
    I'm doing well. Enjoying the time of year. I like late spring/early summer. Best weather in my opinion, and my mood is usually best around then too. Nothing in particular is going on, the boyfriend and I are doing well. Work is fine, friends and family are good.
     
    Just a little "hi" I suppose
  4. AFriendlyFace
    It's a bit trite but I've always thought that was a lovely way to end a story.
     
     
    Things have been very, VERY good with Richard. It hasn't quite been four months yet, so I know that's a bit premature to pin that particular ending to our story, but I truly do believe that'll be the last line.
     
    Things have been great in general. All my personal and professional relationships seem to be going exceptionally well for this particular period of my life. I'm quite optimistic about the future, even by my rosy standards. I'm just taking things one day at a time, but assuming things continue on their present trajectory, I expect them to, I foresee marriage, a couple kids, a dog and a few cats, a close circle of friends, and a satisfying professional career. Sounds boring doesn't it? Oh well, I think I'll enjoy it nevertheless.
     
    Now let's see if I can write that ending.
  5. AFriendlyFace
    Eh, why us it I never seem to blog anymore unless it's about my romantic life? Regardless here's another one....
     
     
    So a few weeks ago one of my best friends introduced me to a friend of his, Richard. Obviously everyone sees where this is going. We hung out in a big group a couple more times...then a smaller group...then the last few days we've been just hanging out one on one and we've decided that yes, let's see what happens, but let's take it slow. I think this is terrific! I always feel like the relationships I'm in happen like overnight and one day I'm single the next I'm like half of a team or something. So I think the whole taking it slow thing is a great idea.
     
    I guess it's normal that there are different dynamics and...objectives in every relationship. I mean I've generally wanted the same thing in all of my relationships, but with different mixtures and focal points. This one is definitely an "I really REALLY want to make him happy" relationship. I've wanted everyone I've ever been with to be happy, but with Richard it's like an overwhelming desire to see good things happen to him. I felt very similar in a different relationship I had awhile back, but with him it was more of a protective thing. Not that I don't really want to protect Richard from bad stuff too, but it feels more...equal I guess. Like protecting him isn't my main job. More like I want to work together with him to make him happy.
     
    I'm really optimistic about how things are going. We have an amazing amount of things in common emotionally and I really feel like we "get" each other. I also naturally seem to trust him a lot. I'm generally a pretty open, trusting person anyway, but I've told him stuff I've never told anyone else so soon after meeting them. I dunno, all I know is that if I hurt him I'm going to feel like the biggest f**king asshole in the world. I don't even care if he hurts me, of course I usually don't care if they hurt me because I'm pretty confident in my recuperative powers. I just hope that if it doesn't work out - or hopefully if it does, but if there are some rough spots - that I'm the one who takes most of the emotional blows. Sounds dark I suppose, already anticipating hurting each other, but I do have a dark realistic side, and I know that if it ends there's a good chance one of us will get hurt, and if it doesn't end then it's pretty much definite that we'll both get hurt a few times over the course of time.
     
    Anyway, I just really want him to be happy.
     
    So yeah, not much point to this blog post, but I wanted to channel my feelings.
     
    Be well all!
  6. AFriendlyFace

    Breaking Up

    By AFriendlyFace,

    So I'd been dating that guy from my last entry until tonight. Tomorrow would have been three weeks and I knew I just wasn't seeing it as a long term thing so we broke up tonight. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I'm getting better at breaking up with people. I was kind but firm. In the past I haven't been blunt enough and things have been apt to drag on. I did fumble a bit though. I decided to approach it from the angle of, "now seems like a good time to evaluate where this is going, doesn't it?" From there I was going to lead into, "And I just don't think this is going to work long-term." Unfortunately after I broached the subject he said, "yeah, I was thinking maybe we should get more serious." Not what I was expecting. Made it suckier to go ahead with the break up too. He took it pretty well though.
     
    The problem was the conversation...there wasn't much. It seemed like all we ever did was make small talk. Personally, I'm one for long, in-depth conversations, and that just wasn't happening. Unfortunately he was the only one who didn't see the break up coming. I kinda suspected it was going to be a brief thing from the start, and all of my friends reacted with things like, "yeah, I kinda figured you'd break up" or "that's what I thought." or something like that. Indeed, he was the only one who didn't seem to know it wasn't working for me. He was hella cute, and we had some fun, but I just don't think there was enough common ground. One of my friends even made the implication, albeit quite nicely, that I was only dating him because he was hot. That's not entirely true. I was also dating him because he was really sweet, and quite well-adjusted. In the end those things didn't seem like enough though.
     
     
     
    In other news one of my good friends seems to be suffering from acute depression and I'm at a loss for how to help her. I've already suggested therapy and/or medication and she's been very resistant to both ideas. "Therapists don't tell me anything I don't already know or can't figure out." "Medication takes so long to start working that there's no point, and I don't want the side effects." I don't want to pry or push, and I already feel like she's pulling away. Over the past two weeks I called her three or four times and texted her a good five or six. Got no response at all until yesterday when she texted me apologizing for being a bad friend and confessing that all she does is stay at home crying.
     
    I'm torn between giving her some space and letting her work things out for herself with the knowledge that I'm there to help if she needs me (my current approach) and trying to do some sort of pushy, tough love thing where I barge in unannounced or something and drag her out of the house. Meh, the latter option just isn't really me. I have already tried everything else I can think of to cheer her up in the preceding few weeks/months and I really think she needs professional help and/or medication. I think I'm pretty good at being a supportive friend, but I think she needs an unbiased, detached professional.
     
     
    Hmm, what else? I'm frickin hating this damn weather we're having. I live in Texas; it's supposed to be warm damnit! If I wanted to live somewhere with a colder climate I'd have damn well moved there instead of here. I swear I get less able to cope with the cold/gloom/winter every year. Actually, I think that's her problem too. IMO, she has several symptoms of Seasonal Affect Disorder which is unfortunately coinciding with a bout of situational depression. I think I probably have borderline SAD too, but mine is pretty manageable and I'm functioning pretty well. Was downright euphoric and chipper until the last week when it got really cold and rainy. All in all I think that, emotionally, I'm handling this winter pretty well so far, but I just really hope we have a warm, sunny spell soon. I even forced myself to make plans for tomorrow and Saturday even though, truth be told all I feel up to is staying in doors. I'm not really depressed in an emotional sense though, more of an energy sense. I just haven't been able to muster any energy or enthusiasm the last few days, but I'm not actually unhappy emotionally. Actually I'd have to describe my mood as quietly content. Still, I could really use some warmth and sunshine soon. Thank God I do live in the South instead of anywhere colder and drearier!
  7. AFriendlyFace

    Eternal Sunshine

    By AFriendlyFace,

    Just wanted to check in and say hi to everyone. Things for me are going delightfully well. In many ways I sort of feel like my life is one long vacation. I tend to just bounce around from one pleasant activity to the next. I've been quite bouncy lately.
     
    I have a date Friday, a proper one, not just an excuse to...anyway, I enjoy those sorts of "dates" too, but this is a proper date. I'm quite excited about this boy. So far he seems ridiculously sweet and adorable. It was quiet day at work today, which is a good thing since we texted each other almost non-stop for four hours. Anyway, he's fun to talk to. I have no doubt we'll have mad fun Friday.
     
    I often tend to droop a little in the winter. I don't do quite as well in dreary weather. I've worked out a way to get through this winter though, even when it's cloudy and gray. I'll keep the sunshine on the inside
     
    Anyway, off to bed. May everyone reading this be mauled ruthlessly by happiness and good fortune!
  8. AFriendlyFace
    .....I swear I was born right in the doorway.
     
     
    Everything felt so delightfully shiny and new today. I had a nice dream about my grandfather. It was so real, like I was really talking to him again. Anyway, I was in a good mood when I got up and the weather was awesome! It was cool, but not cold, and it wasn't so damn dreary like it's been lately! So I had a nice shower, with some new body wash I used for the first time. Then I put on some new clothes and walked out into my day.
     
    As I left my house my thoughts turned to my friends. My friend William moved away about a year or so ago. He's always been so ridiculously resilient. Some of the worst crap happens to the poor guy, but he always comes through with a shiny smile and an unflappable demeanor. He moved back recently...and I found out the real reason he'd left. He was seriously depressed. What the hell? I felt like the worst friend ever! How could I not have seen that? Instead all I ever saw was bright smile.
     
    The whole thing reminded me of an experience I had recently with another close friend. Delightful guy, one of the wittiest most amusing people I've ever known. He announced he's now on anti-depressants and in therapy.
     
    Geez, what's wrong with me that I can't spot these things? I've always thought of myself as an empathetic, emotionally perceptive person, but I totally missed both their conditions and they are two of my closest friends. Anyway, they're both doing better now (I think...obviously there's no way I could really tell).
     
    Finally though, I settled on my friend Dave. He's legitimately shiny. I'm sure he feels unhappy and miserable sometimes - he is human after all - he's nevertheless the shiniest boy I've ever met. Needless to say I've always wanted him. Damn the luck that I met him shortly after he began his relationship with his boyfriend. They're ridiculously happy of course and being a fairly shiny boy myself I can't help but to be pretty damn happy for them as well. Still, I wish I could have found out what might have happened between us. I feel like with most of the guys I meet, they seem whole at first, then after awhile I discover this gaping emotional hole that they want me to plug up for them. I'm sure part of it's my own pattern. I'm quite aware that I have a protective, nurturing streak and I'm probably subconsciously just as attracted to someone who needs me as they might be to me. Thing is, I always have been ridiculously attracted to Dave, and I have no doubt that he doesn't need me, especially not to fix his mood. It would have been unique. Anyway, maybe I would have f**ked him up somehow instead. Or maybe he would have f**ked me up by being the more stable one...or maybe we'd have just been f**king happy all the time. Well, for the most part we both are anyway, so all's well that ends well, right?
     
    When I got to work I was pleasantly surprised to discover a locked door and a darkened room. I'd forgotten that my co-workers were going out of town till Wednesday. This is pleasant, because despite being legitimately fond of them and really enjoying their company, I kinda dig hard on my alone time, especially in a work environment where that equals more peace and quiet and fewer interruptions. So I had a lovely, quiet day at work and also felt like I got a lot done (I was a good boy and didn't goof off ).
     
    Anyway, by the time I got off work I was a ball of energy so I decided to go to the park for some rollerblading. On the way to the park someone rear ended me (I just can't help placing innuendo in my blog, just ignore it or indulge the dirty thoughts if ya want ). It wasn't too bad though, and it was completely his fault. I'm pretty cavalier about such things as long as no one gets hurt and the damage isn't too bad (and the damage was actually almost non-existent despite the fairly hard impact. I think it's because we were both driving trucks with sturdy, metal bumpers instead of the crumply plastic kind) so when he apologized I told to him to just forget about it and went on my way.
     
    I had a lovely time at the park. I had long chats with Scott, Jesse, and my mom on the phone. I'm sure most people don't go rollerblading so that they can chat on the phone, but for some strange reason it's something I enjoy doing and I usually make some phone calls while I'm blading.
     
    I'm so happy for Scott. He seems happy with his new boy. They've only been out three times, but it's going pretty well. I haven't met this one yet. I think I should give them some space for awhile. Scott and I are pretty close and I think it might not be best for the new boy to see us together just yet. I think I might have accidentally scared off the last one. I really didn't mean to either. I approved of the last one. I wanted him to stick around. But we went out, got a bit drunk, and spent the night laughing our asses off at stuff the other guy didn't get. In general I worry sometimes that he spends a bit too much time with me instead of dating. I know that's silly, but Scott isn't like me when it comes to dating and relationships. He feels like something is "missing" because he isn't in a serious relationship. Apparently this was actually one of William's main problems as well.
     
    I just don't feel that way. I have a lot of fun with the "single lifestyle" and I'm fine maintaining it indefinitely, or even permanently. I'll have kids at some point down the line, with or without a mate, but for now I'm having a blast and definitely not waiting for anyone or anything to come along. Scott really wants and needs that though. Most, if not all, of my boys do. So, I hope they all find it, and I hope they all start blowing me off to spend time with their boyfriends. I have no problem whatsoever being the single friend who dates around but doesn't settle down.
     
    On the bright side, I'm wildly in favour of William's new boy. He's actually an old friend of mine I don't see very often. We ran into each other a couple of weekends ago while I was out with gang, I introduced them, and lo and behold the sparks are flying! It makes me really happy. I have nothing but positive things to say about the dude and I really think he'd be awesome for William.
     
    Anyway, after I finished the rollerblading I hit WholeFoods on the way home, got myself an artichoke, and had one of my favourite dinners (An artichoke is a main dish for a vegetarian ).
     
    Now I'm comfortable in bed and looking forward to another lovely day tomorrow. Those are the things that I did and thought about today. Sorry I've not been around much lately. I've been having tons of fun though and I've been quite well.
     
     
    On a final note, I feel compelled to share this quote from the book I read this weekend. The book is "I Am Not Myself These Days" by Josh Kilmer-Purcell. It's about his experiences in living in New York as a drag queen with an alcohol problem and his boyfriend, a prostitute with a drug problem. This line is written in response to Josh/Aqua's reaction to seeing his boyfriend's drug buddy, Trey. I found it to be the funniest sentence in the whole book and it literally had me rolling around laughing for several minutes:
     
    "It's hard to imagine how someone could be a bad influence on a sadomasochistic hooker, but I consider Trey just that."
     
    Trust me, that's crazy funny if you've read the 242 pages that come before it
     
    The book's really good by the way. Both the main characters have some heavy flaws what with being a severe alcoholic and a crack whore and all, but they're actually extremely sympathetic and endearing characters. I was pulling for them the whole way through and desperately hoping they could make it work.
  9. AFriendlyFace
    **Warning Explicit language**
     
    A couple of her best gay affirming songs:
     
     
    Lily Allen - f**k You


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ITZBBV8Syg
     
     
    Lily Allen - Fag Hag



     
     
    All her stuff's pretty cool. She has a cheerfully dark edge to most of her songs.
  10. AFriendlyFace
    I think the things that happen to you are less important than what you do with them.
     
    Today a friend of mine kept sending me texts about this article he was reading. Basically the article, and hence the texts, were about how royally F-d up his life was destined to be because his family hadn't been supportive of his sexuality when he was younger. Now don't get me wrong, I care about my friend very much and I'm deeply sorry for all the painful things that have happened to me, but one strong message kept coming through again and again in each of his texts, "I'm a victim!"
     
    It's not just this, if it were I'd probably have more patience with it. He also plays the victim because of health problems. Also financial problems. As well as on-going problems with various friends and family members. Basically it's victim, victim, victim! I swear sometimes I just want to shout, "GET OVER IT!" I have repeatedly done the much nicer equivalent of letting him know that if the situation is something he can change he should work toward it and if it isn't he should accept it and make peace with it. See, that sounds way nicer than "Fix it or deal with it, but quit the damn whining!" I think it all pretty much boils down to the same thing though.
     
    It's just the perpetual helplessness that gets tiring. I'm all for acknowledging, analyzing, and expressing one's feelings. Indeed, I've talked with him in depth about these things many times, and exclusively made the focus of my efforts sympathizing and simply listening. It's just that, it doesn't seem to get better after we're done. Instead everything just keeps getting dragged back out again and again and I feel like I'm supposed to act shocked and terribly supportive and sympathetic every time. I kinda feel like I've done all I can here. I've offered a hell of a lot of emotional support and a hell of a lot of advice, several times, sometimes separately and sometimes together. I don't know what else to do. I don't think there is anything else I can do. I think at this point it's up to him to quit being a victim and do something about the situation (or accept that it will always be what it is and that dwelling and complaining aren't going to help).
     
    I think it's primarily an attitude thing though. For example he dwells on my problems more than I do. A couple of months ago we went out to a club to meet some friends, I was driving, and on the way we got pulled over and I was given a ticket for doing a rolling stop at a stop sign. For the remainder of the night, every hour or so he'd bring it back up and ask if I was okay, or sympathize. It was nice, and I know he was trying to be supportive, the thing is, I was really fine. I was pissed and disappointed for like fifteen minutes, I bitched about it to all our friends, then kinda brushed it off. At that point I decide all I could do was pay it and get on with my life. The first time he brought it back up that evening I was having a lovely time and when he asked, "are you okay with what happened?" Or something to that effect, my reaction was an honest, perplexed, "what happened?" By the same token, I feel like very often he spontaneously brings up my problems and then sympathizes. As I said, I'm sure it's his way of being supportive, but the majority of the time I wasn't even thinking about my problems.
     
    It's not really just him though. I mean, not just him. I know lot's of people who seem to use their problems almost like a crutch, at the very least as a permanent excuse. I think this sort of thing is often very prevalent in the GLBT community. There's almost a "culture of victimization." Homophobia is the scapegoat to everything isn't it? If someone doesn't like me, it's bound to be because he/she is homophobic. Couldn't be that they simply don't like my personality. Didn't get a promotion? Homophobia. Slow service at the restaurant? Homophobia on a plate please. Of course it's not really just the GLBT. One of the only prejudices I've ever had against minorities (and pretty much all minorities) is that I half expect them to be walking around with this victimized chip on their shoulder, hypersensitive to the tiniest, most unrelated thing. I think prejudice is a really terrible, ugly, horrific thing, but it's nasty little brother is most definitely casual, unsubstantiated accusations of prejudice.
     
    Of course I think it goes beyond minorities too. I think that in many ways the whole country has a culture of victimization. It seems like everyone's just sitting around waiting for things to go wrong, and then as soon as they do they look for excuses instead of solutions. It's even better if the person is "blessed" with two or three problems that create a lovely cycle of defeat. That way if someone offers a viable option to one of the problems you still get to whine and say, "but that won't work because of..."
     
    The psychologist Martin Seligman proposed the theory of "Learned Helplessness." Basically, the way it works is you get this dog, put him in a metal pen with short wall diving his pen from the neighbouring pen, then run a mild electrical shock through his pen. The dog will jump out over the wall and into the safe pen thereby solving his problem. In the second part of the experiment both the dog's staring pen and the neighbouring pen are electrified, or else a roof is placed over the pen so that the dog can't get away from the shock. Initially the dog struggles, eventually he just gives up and lays there whimpering. Next the roof is removed, or the neighbouring pen is safe or whatever. Guess what? The dog still just lays there whimpering instead of solving his problem which he could now do if he tried. The dog has learned helplessness.
     
    I suppose my friend, the minorities, and America as a whole, have all just hit their respective heads on the roofs of their cages one too many times, and now they don't even try to hop out.
     
    When I was a kid whenever we would go any sort of store or restaurant or something, even if the lights were off or the sign said "closed" I would insist on getting out of the car and pulling on the door. It frustrated my mom a lot, but after a few years she just gave up and allowed me to do it because taking the extra 30 seconds for me to jump out, tug on the door, accept that the place was truly closed and then shut up about it, was far easier than listening to me bitch and nag all the way home. On a few occasions I found that the door did indeed open; it only looked closed because it was poorly marked, badly illuminated, or just not very busy. Didn't happen often mind you, but even though I grew to expect that the door probably would be locked, I still felt better after I'd given a good hardy yank just in case.
     
    Sometimes I wish I could convince the people around me to pull on a few doors they expect to be locked. You never know when one might open unexpectedly for you.
  11. AFriendlyFace
    Scott and I went to a housewarming party for some friends of ours, a straight couple, recently. It was a fresh change. I don't socialize with straight people very often anymore, and when I do it's usually in some type of "gay" setting and they're the minority. So it was weird to go to a party at which Scott and I were the only two gays. It was fun though, I really like the couple and their friends were nice.
     
    There were a couple of small kids there. A four year old girl and her baby brother. So anyway, it's later in the evening and several people have already left and we're just sitting around in smaller groups chatting and I'm on the couch. So the little girl, Savannah, comes up and starts talking with me, telling me all about the tricks she's learned in gymnastics, and what she's going to do for her next birthday party, and about her friends and brother. Anyway while I'm chatting with her Gregory, the little brother, crawls over and starts trying to climb up on the couch, so I pick him up and hold him while Savannah keeps telling me her stories. A little while latter Charlie, the dog, comes over and starts nuzzling for attention. Just around that time Scott looks at me, laughs, and remarks that I've got a whole little crew.
     
    It's funny, I hadn't even really thought about it. I love kids and dogs, so when the little girl wanted to talk I just naturally started listening. When the baby crawled over I picked him up. When the dog started pushing for attention I just started playing with him. It was nice though. Predictably it got me thinking. I mean, it would be nice if it had been my own two kids and dog, and if I'd just been sitting around on my own couch enjoying their company.
     
    I just find it all so odd though. I don't think of myself as a "traditional" sort of person. I'm really not, not at all. I want to travel, come and go as I please, perpetually be in school and bouncing around careerwise. I don't want a house and I yard in the 'burbs, I want a condo in the city and I want to spontaneously move whenever I feel like it. I really enjoy being single and "free." I love that I can go out whenever I want and not have to come home at any certain time - or at all - if I don't feel like it.
     
    I really don't know how two kids and a dog fit into this picture. Heck, the reason I don't have a dog already is that I don't think I have the time and don't want something that high maintenance. With my cat I just fill up her giant feeder and waterer once a week, throw away her litter box and buy her a new one every couple of months (yeah I don't scoop or actually change litter, I just change the whole box ) and she's pretty much set. That's not really a huge time or effort investment. Yet, if I were going to have kids, I'd want to be a really attentive parent. I'd want to really enjoy them and nurture them and be a big part of their lives and have them be central to mine. How would that work? How would I fit all these pieces together?
     
    It would feel right though, having the kids. I feel like I've re-evaluated - and rejected - the majority of "values" that society has tried to indoctrinate me with, yet I really don't think the raising kids thing is an external pressure. I really think it's something that has always been a strong, compelling, internal drive. Oh I guess that's why this whole "two kids and a dog" thing is the stereotype. I guess it's because it really is something a lot of people truly want for themselves. Despite having always wanted it...I'm still kinda surprised I want it though. I mean the "husband to share it with" part is pretty negotiable. I don't feel like that's an especially big issue though. I mean I'm sure it is easier to raise kids in a two (or more) parent home, but I think I could be a pretty damn competent single parent. Anyway, who knows, maybe I will have a partner; it's just no big deal either way. The kids though...well that is kind of a big deal. I think I'd really regret it and, yeah, maybe even feel like something is "missing" if I don't have them.
     
    *sigh* I just hope they like faced paced urban life and don't mind being in college (or at parties ) with their dad.
  12. AFriendlyFace

    Mourning

    By AFriendlyFace,

    Just under thirty hours ago my grandfather passed away. It was shocking. He'd been ill for the past month but his condition seemed stabilized.
     
    To explain the significance of this event let me clarify that my grandfather has always been my primary male, parental figure. We've always been very close and gotten along really well. I just can't begin to explain the shock and incomprehension that I am experiencing as I realize that I'll never hear his voice again. I've never lost a close family member before. This is completely uncharted territory for me. Had my actual father passed away I'd have known how to handle it. I'd have been warm and conciliatory to my family members on that side of the family and I'd have dressed up and done my "family duty." This...well this is just really shocking and painful.
     
    I know I'm not exactly a child anymore, but it's damn scary and painful losing a parental figure. I can't begin to describe the regret I feel for not traveling back home to visit last weekend. I also feel so helpless. I've been crying a lot. It's strange what will set me off. It's the random things which hold special significance, which, I guess that isn't so strange after all.
     
    I found a note he'd written me a few hours ago. I was looking up my actual father's address so that I could mail him a card and I keep all my cards and letters in the same place and I came across it. It wasn't really a momentous note or anything, but it was very him. Warm, caring, playful. It was the sort of person he was. Always in a good mood, always boisterous and friendly. Always such a good provider, always looking after other people.
     
    I think we had a much better relationship than I could ever have had with my actual father. It was sort of the perfect blend of parent/grandparent relationship. I mean all the problems and heavier stuff my mom handled. With him we always just enjoyed each other's company.
     
    He knew I loved him, and I definitely knew he loved me, and I guess that's what matters the most. Some sort of goodbye would have been nice though. I went to visit a few weeks ago. It wasn't easy. He just looks so frail. That wasn't how I ever thought of him. He was always so strong and hardy. It was so hard seeing him confined to a bed. I had to excuse myself and pretend I needed the restroom. Really I was just overcome and needed to regain my composure. I guess in many ways it would have been harder seeing him during his absolute final days. Maybe that would have been harder.
     
    I do feel a bit like a child though. Everyone's treating me like I'm made of glass...and really appreciate it. I feel a bit fragile. I'm not though. All in all I think I'm damn good at coping with my emotions and sorting out how I feel. I think I'm supposed to feel pretty shitty right now, but I'm sure I'll bounce back. He wouldn't have wanted me to fall to irreparable pieces. The pieces I've got now I can put back together.
     
    I'm really so proud of my mom. She's really holding everything and everyone together. I'm really grateful to my friends too. I've gotten so many warm, supportive calls and texts. I'm also really lucky that my boss told me to take as much time off as I needed and has also been really sympathetic. All in all I couldn't ask for better conditions under which to grieve.
     
    So I guess I will just grieve and cherish all the countless happy memories I have to look back on.
  13. AFriendlyFace
    What is your name?
    -Kevin
     
    Are you 100% happy with your life right now?
    -No. Right now is a kinda of crappy time. I'm generally happy with my life though and I expect it to get better.
     
    Will you be married to the person you have kids with?
    -I can but hope.
     
    Why are you best friends with the person you are best friends with?
    -He's a great guy and we care about each other a lot. We seem to fit together pretty well.
     
    Are you this persons best friend too?
    -Yes
     
    Are you a jealous person?
    -No, I'm one of the least jealous people I know actually.
     
    Why are/aren't you a jealous person?
    -I'm not a jealous person because I like for the people around me to be happy and I'm generally fairly secure in my own standing.
     
    How many times have you truly been in love?
    -I probably haven't been. Maybe once...maybe.
     
    Do you think relationships are hard?
    -I think people make them harder than they need to be, but yes, there will always be a level of difficulty.
     
    Is your boyfriend/​girlfriend everything you've been looking for?
    -I don't currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and I haven't really been looking for either.
     
    Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?
    -In a general sense, yes.
     
    If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
    -Right now, might not be the best time. I'm kinda overwhelmed. Generally I'm in favour of this though, but in this case they might want to give me a couple of weeks.
     
    What are you listening to right now?
    -My fan motor.
     
    Do you like to spend time with people?
    -Yes, and I also enjoy being alone. Right now I'm only getting moderate satisfaction from doing either though.
     
    Do you care if your boyfriend/​girlfriend drinks?
    -He/she is welcome to imbibe as long as it is done safely.
     
    Do you like the smell of gasoline?
    -Not as much as I used to.
     
    Who was the last person you were in a vehicle with?
    -Brian
     
    What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?
    -Brian and I were having an amusing conversation about copyright laws.
     
    Have you held hands with anyone in the past three days?
    -I can't recall. Definitely in the past week, but perhaps not in the past three days.
     
    What are you doing tomorrow?
    -Going to work, then I plan on coming home, turning off my phone, and locking myself in a dark room (it's really not as grim as it sounds, I really like doing that, especially on Fridays, even when everything is great. It's a relaxing way to start the weekend.)
     
     
    Are you still best friends with the same person as the beginning of the year?
    -Yes
     
    Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood?
    -If it's already raining and I have access to an umbrella I bring one. I don't watch the weather though so it has to really look like rain for me to successfully predict it if it isn't already raining.
     
    TEN things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:
    1. I love you.
    2. Quit being so self-absorbed.
    3. I'm really proud of you.
    4. I do trust you again.
    5. I'd like for us to try again.
    6. Leave me alone.
    7. I hate that all we talk about anymore are stressful things.
    8. You're a really cool person.
    9. You're more fun when you relax.
    10. Dude! I haven't seen you in forever! What have you been up to?
     
    Do you think before you speak?
    -Usually
     
    what are you doing Thursday?
    -This is Thursday, so answering this survery.
     
    Are you listening to music right now?
    -No.
     
    If you were one of the Seven Dwarfs, which one would you be?
    -Overall Happy even though right now more like Grumpy.
     
    Have you ever flown first class?
    -Not that I recall, but I've rarely ever flown in the first place.
     
    What is one topping you MUST have on your pizza?
    -Must I have pizza? If so then it must be very cheesy and I prefer it if it's cream sauce based instead of tomato sauce based.
     
    What is the opposite of a hamburger?
    -A Luxembourger?
     
    Do you talk in your sleep?
    -Not that I know of.
     
    Have you ever played in the rain?
    -Yeah...you know I think that's something I'd like to do now. It wouldn't be as much fun in this neighbourhood though.
     
    Can you pick things up with your toes?
    -Yes
     
    Have you ever eaten frog legs?
    -As a matter of fact I have.
     
    Your absolute favorite shirt is dirty. Would you still wear it?
    -Probably not. I have so many shirts I'm sure I'd just pick another one.
     
    Guys: Have you ever been in the ladies' room?
    Girls: Have you ever been in the men's room?
    -Sure, lots of times. If the men's room is full and it's single occupancy I just ignore the signs completely. If it's not single occupancy I wait. Of course I've also accidentally walked into the ladies' room quite a few times.
     
    Have you had sex with more than 25 partners?
    -Probably.
     
    Have your friends ever randomly stopped by your house?
    -yeah
     
    How many different colors are you wearing right now?
    -none, I'm nude.
     
    Do you want someone back in your life?
    -Yes
     
    If your friends warn you about someone, do you listen?
    -I take their advice into consideration, but make my own decision.
     
    Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life?
    -Again currently not so much. Generally, yeah.
     
    Have you ever kissed anyone with a last name that starts with K or Z?
    -I was supposed to get a last name? (Kidding!)
     
    Has anyone ever sang to you?
    -Lot's of people have sang with me.
     
    How has 2009 been for you so far?
    - Overall it's been good.
     
    Last person you told a secret to?
    -I'm not sure.
     
    Next time you'll go out of town?
    -Saturday.
     
    Last person you hung out with? When?
    -Brian, a couple hours ago.
     
    Know anyone named: Winter, Summer, Fall, or Spring?
    -No, I haven't had the pleasure of Autumn either.
     
    What do you think​ babie​s dream​ about​?​
    -Hospitals, vaginas, breasts, themselves, etc.
     
    Do you think​ guys shoul​d get pedic​ures?​
    -Definitely!
     
    What would​ you do if at the age of 18, your fathe​r told you he was gay?
    -Be excited about being 18 again.
     
    Silve​r or gold?​
    -Silver
     
    Can you dance​?​
    -Depends on what type of dancing.
     
    What one word do you think​ you could​n'​t go one full day witho​ut sayin​g?​
    - "the"
     
    Does your milk shake​ bring​ all the boys to the yard?​
    -As a matter of fact, yes.
     
    What do you order​ at McDon​alds?​
    -I don't eat there. I remember liking their fries though, and a glass of water is always a safe bet.
  14. AFriendlyFace
    For the past several months I've been subconsciously aware of a sort of disparity between my feelings and my professed identity. I mean, I guess the feelings were always there, but I'd gotten into the habit of writing them off as unimportant or irrelevant.
     
    That's sort of the best I can do as a means of introduction, and it's still not very accurate. It's not that I only became aware of the feelings a month ago, and it isn't quite that I had written them off either. I always admitted them, both to myself and anyone who cared to ask, but...somehow in the last several months they've become increasingly difficult to marginalize (still not the right word because I still don't really feel like that's what I've been doing).
     
    I'm gay, but I'm not homosexual. I'm...well, honestly I'm still largely figuring it out, but given the inherent limitations of the labels I think the best I can do is, "bisexual leaning male."
     
    That's right, I've finally said. No more skirting the issue or looking for ways to semantically soften the impact. I could write volumes (which I'm sure no one doubts) about how I define and understand my sexuality and the internal thought processes and attractions of which it consists. Truth be told, I'd rather do that than smack a little label on it and expose myself to all the prejudice and misconceptions. Oh well, screw it:
     
    I'M BISEXUAL

     
     
    I'm still working out what it means though...
     
     
     
    I actually feel kind of isolated and confused about who to turn to. I actually don't feel like this is really the best place. I kinda am expecting most people reading this to shrug it off. I've talked to a few close friends about it...but they're gay and homosexual...and at least one of them is partially biphobic even though I know he doesn't mean to be.
     
    It's funny how all of this came about. I subconsciously started becoming more and more interested in bi issues and combating bi-phobia..and gradually I accepted that I had a vested interest. That's actually almost exactly how I came out to myself as gay. On the bright side both experiences mean/meant that I felt comfortable and okay with the new identity I was getting myself mixed up in, but in a lot of ways this is pretty much just as confusing. I suppose there's also the risk that I'll never do anything with it. I mean I don't have to because I'm already living my primary attraction. I dunno, maybe I'll try girls and decide it was just a phase and that it's out of my system now. I kinda doubt it somehow though.
  15. AFriendlyFace
    because I watched them fall apart.
     
     
    Two of my closest friends are breaking up. They were two of the first people I met when I moved to Houston and they were a brand new couple at the time. We were so close because I was their friend. I didn't belong to either one. I had an individual relationship with both, and the three of us had a great dynamic. It was nice, it was...equal. I didn't realize it would make a break up harder. I mean if I was primarily one of them's friend, it would be so nice and easy to just pick a side and write off the other person as the bad guy. I can't really do that here though. I can truly and deeply see each side, and I can see both sets of motivations and feelings...but I can't do anything about it.
     
    I just spent the evening watching them hash it out it my own living room. I mean, I was aware things were bad, but I didn't know they were quite as bad as all that. It was so odd, feeling like an intruder in your own house. Yet I somehow felt like my presence as a neutral party might have been helping. Regardless, I was uncomfortable interrupting to say, "excuse me, I should go upstairs and give you your privacy." I thought about doing just that the whole time, and it was pretty much always on the tip of my tongue. Nevertheless, it didn't feel quite right to say. So I sat there, quietly, watching them fall apart.
     
     
    On top of that I have other friends feuding, deep schisms in my immediate family, as well as a great deal of serious health problems plaguing my family.
     
     
    I sort of feel like I'm watching them all fall apart, and I'm just standing here, in tact. I'm fine, I'm in good health, I'm not struggling with anyone. I am emotionally and physically stable. But what can I do?
     
    I know the answer to that; I can do nothing. I can't take sides with my dear friends, the breaking couple, because that would only make things worse and add another layer of complications to the whole thing. As it would if I picked sides with my family or my other friends. I certainly can't make anyone healthy either. All I can do is listen, be supportive, try to remain positive, but neutral.
     
    So that's what I'll do, and I won't make this about me, and I won't butt in, and I won't feel guilty about being okay. I'll just watch the pieces fall apart and once it's over I'll see if I can remember where they go.
  16. AFriendlyFace
    A - Age: It isn't polite to ask that.
     
    B- Bed size: Queen
     
    C - Chore you hate: Ironing and general laundry stuff. Not a fan of taking out the trash or changing the cat litter either.
     
    D - Dogs or cats: Cat
     
    E - Essential start your day item: Big glass, or bottle, of cold water.
     
    F - Favorite color: BLUE!
     
    G - Gold or Silver: BLUE! ...well okay Silver
     
    H - Height: 5'10''
     
    I - Instrument played: None
     
    J - Job title: Supreme Ruler of Everything
     
    K - Kid(s): Yes, please.
     
    L - Loud or quiet: Both
     
    M - Mom's name: Sharon
     
    N - Nicknames: Kev
     
    O - Overnight hospital stay: Once
     
    P - Pet Peeve: People who drive really slowly over speed bumps or take forever to make a turn.
     
    Q - Quote from a movie: "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a f**ked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."
     
    R - Right or left handed: Right
     
    S - Siblings: none
     
    T - Time you wake up: 7:45 M-F; LATE on Saturday and Sunday
     
    U- Underwear: All sorts
     
    V - Vegetable you dislike: I'm a vegetarian; I tend to like vegetables. Ummm I'm not a fan of most beans though.
     
    W - Ways you run late: I have a tendency to lose track of time.
     
    X - X-rays you've had: Teeth, arm
     
    Y - Yummy food you make: I make this really delicious baked swordfish
     
    Z - Zoo favorite: Elephants
  17. AFriendlyFace
    So I'm sitting at work minding my own business, doing my mountains of paperwork and pondering which report I want to work on next when the phone rings:
     
    Me: "(Company name)"
    Guy: "Hi?"
    Me: "Hi"
    Guy: "Are you a recording?"
    Me: "Um, no"
    Guy: "Are you sure?"
    Me: "Yes, I'm sure."
    Guy: "Really?"
    Me: "Yeah, I'm a person."
    Guy: "Well you sound like a recording."
     
     

     
    I've never had to argue to convince someone I wasn't an automated message before. I'm kinda hoping I'm not in that situation again either.
  18. AFriendlyFace
    I can't stand certainty. The arrogance of thinking you know something really annoys me. Especially as it relates to people, other people, but also yourself.
     
    I've been studying sexuality and gender issues for a long time now, however, they've been particularly on my mind for the past couple of months. The way I see it, the GLBT community is designed for gays and lesbians, but the bisexuals and transgenders are still pretty much marginalized and discriminated against. It's frustrating enough when that discrimination comes from outside of the community, but I find it especially distasteful when other gays and lesbians are quick to criticise bisexuals or trans people or to throw them under the bus for their own gain.
     
    Maybe I'm expecting too much. I'm beginning to think that perhaps I am. People, it seems, are naturally closed-minded. A lot of heterosexuals (not all of course) cannot conceive of anything but MAN and WOMAN and their attraction only to the opposite sex. Then gay and lesbian people come along and they say "hey wait a minute, I am attracted to the same sex." Now it seems to me that that "unique" perspective would give them pause. It seems like it would make them say to themselves (or even better to others), "see, now clearly sexuality isn't this black or white thing. Clearly gender and gender roles are also more fluid." Yeah not so much. Unfortunately, it seems gays and lesbians are just as capable as anyone else of being repulsed, distrustful, or generally perplexed as hell when it comes to bisexuals or trans people.
     
    It seems that a great many gays and lesbians still need their certainty. They need to know "I am a man, end of story." Or "I am a woman, end of story" or "I only date other men" or "I only date other women." It seems that ideally what they want is to believe that people either fall in love with a man OR a woman, but not either. They want to be certain that the people they know as straight will continue to date the opposite sex and that the people they know as gay or lesbian will continue to date the same sex. They want to know what's in between someone's legs, because clearly that will be a reliable indication of how that person is going to act, think, and feel. Surely bisexuals must be "confused" or "in denial". A transgender person who doesn't feel comfortable in their birth roles must similarly be "confused" or else just "really sick". In both cases the last thing the gay or lesbian person wants to do is be associated with such an individual. They don't want to take the time or effort to understand them. Worse, they certainly don't want to question their own feelings about their sexuality and gender.
     
    I'm just so damn sick of it! I'm so sick of the f**king notion that "boys act one way and girls act another."
     
    I just don't think that life should be this black and white. I don't think sexuality and gender should be so rigid.
     
    I am a gay male, that is my "identification". It also works pretty well for me most of the time. I have absolutely no desire to have "girl parts" for myself. In general I'm very comfortable in the "role" of a gay male. It fits. However, that doesn't mean that I don't think the whole notion of "roles" is ridiculous, limiting, and narrow-minded.
     
    I'm a very sexual person. I could certainly enjoy sexual things with a female. They're not my primary attraction by any means, but even if I'm not attracted that doesn't mean that I couldn't happily share my sexuality with them. I've shared my sexuality with guys I wasn't attracted to. It seems to me it would be the same thing with women. Apart from which I am attracted to some women sometimes.
     
    I do think of my sexuality as "gay". That is what identifies me the best but it certainly doesn't encompass all of my sexual feelings. I'm certainly not threatened by having sexual feelings toward women sometimes and I'm sure as hell not threatened by other guys who sleep with guys having sexual feelings toward women. It doesn't repulse me, it doesn't scare me, it doesn't make me jealous, and it doesn't make me suspicious.
     
    When it comes to gender I'm even more open-minded and fluid. I'm a "guy" but I have my own unique, fluid definition for what that means anyway. I love my physical body and am very satisfied with it, but when it comes to emotional, intellectual, and behavioural aspects of my personality I consider myself essentially androgynous. There's no telling what role, emotion, behaviour, or line of thinking I'll take. I can't predict, and I certainly don't want anyone else to try, especially not because of my "gender".
     
    I do love gay and lesbian people, probably more - as a whole - than any other type of people, but I am deeply disappointed by how certain the majority of them like to try to be.
  19. AFriendlyFace
    So I think these guys are not only really talented, but so frickin' hot it hurts!
     
    Check out this super sexy video (and the rest of their super sexy videos):
     
     
     


     
    Ross Dawson, the gorgeous red head, is my favourite, but let's face it; they're all delicious!
  20. AFriendlyFace

    My Winter

    By AFriendlyFace,

    If I can just make it through winter I'll be fine. Winters are always the hardest for me. I know it doesn't seem like I've had a particularly difficult winter based on my recent blog posts, and indeed I really haven't, but nevertheless, winters are the toughest. Februarys especially are tough. I'm usually still riding on my fall energy until February. After February things start to come back to life. But in February...well I'm done. No more energy, harder to keep perspective, harder to keep looking forward to spring.
     
    As someone with a psychology degree I've often wondered whether or not I had S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I don't think I do, at least not a clinical case, I think it's too mild. I can usually cheer up, gather up more energy, call from somewhere inside of me for a bit more juice. Nevertheless, I just get so frickin' tired of the death and coldness.
     
    I do associate winter with death. The trees are all bare and the flowers are dead. Which is just f**king ugly and depressing as far as I'm concerned. I had an argument about this with Scott recently. Evidently he likes it because he feels like they're being more honest and exposing their core and vulnerability. Yeah whatever, I can see the symbolism in his point, but as far as I'm concerned they're ugly and dead, and I'd feel better not having their lifeless corpses standing around. Of course I know they'll come back in the spring, so I'm not really advocating cutting them all down, but as far as the way it looks and the emotional reaction is has on me I'd much whether no tree at all than a tree without leaves and flowers. It's so gray and drab too. It's like everything takes on this dull husk. The buildings and streets even seem less vibrant, and there's so much less sunshine. It's really bad when it rains. Nothing is more depressing than a rainy day in winter.
     
    Sometimes, usually for the earlier months of the season, I fancy myself a sort of flower, a touch of colour and life in an otherwise barren wasteland (melodramatic huh?). By February though I feel like I'm dying too. I've always associated winter with death. I grew up with contact with a farm. When it came to the older, or weaker animals the speculation was always "Do you think it'll make it through another winter?" I always feel like I get older in the winter. I feel like I'm fine for the other months, but I always seem to lose a little more life and vitality in the winter. A little something extra always seems to fade out.
     
    It has been a fairly good winter. I've stayed positive, stayed alive. I've tried to stay busy, tried to be productive. But damn I'm ready for the spring. This past week has been the hardest. I feel like I've been in a daze this past week. I didn't fight it much this week. Last week I still had the energy. I made a point of fixing myself up and wearing bright colours, even on my day off. This week I more or less gave up. It was just too hard to keep struggling so I went numb and lost the week. I really don't know where it went. I feel like it was completely wasted and now it's just gone. I need March, or better yet April. I need reprieve from the gray.
     
    Today was a rainy winter day.
  21. AFriendlyFace
    In the beginning of March I'm planning on taking a trip to Austin for a gay rights rally. I'm really looking forward to it! I've been dying to go to Austin anyway. My friends Claire (who still lives in Louisiana but is planning on moving to Austin), Mandi (Baton Rouge), and Jenn (Ohio, but visiting Mandi) are going to go with me. That ought to be a lot of fun, they'd all come to visit for New Year's and we had a ball! So the rally is on Monday and right now the tentative plan is for them to come in on Saturday night and we can hang out or do whatever, then Sunday morning we'll leave for Austin and spend the day/night there, then have the rally on Monday.
     
    I think it's so funny, but cool how we still get to hang out together periodically even though all four of us live in completely different cities
     
    I'm hoping to talk Scott into coming with us too. He's still sorta on the fence and not sure if he wants to take off work. Brian can't make it because he has a class he can't miss, but his parents are probably going to go. Which is really cool because his parents are great! Luke will possibly be going as well.
     
    Anyway, obviously I needed to ask off for work on that Monday. So I was planning to do it today after I got back lunch, well right before lunch my boss comes in and says, "you know you've been doing a really good job, and we'd really like to give you a day off with pay. So just let me know when."
     
    So yeah, that was pretty cool! Imagine being offered a day off only a couple of hours before you were going to ask for one! Pretty nifty.
     
    I am crazy about my job. It's so perfect for me! I love the work, the pay's nice, they're are a ton of perks, it's really close by, really laid back, ideal hours, good benefits, and I'm crazy about my boss and his wife! All around it's just very good.
     
    I also had a really good chat with my boss today about gay issues, which he initiated. He's a really nifty person. He's a straight, white guy, but he's like really sensitive to minority issues and really open-minded. Which is why I was sure getting off in the first place wouldn't be a big deal if I mentioned it was for a gay rights rally.
     
    He was asking if the phrase "that's so gay" is offensive or not. I told him it really depended on the GLBT person he said it around. I have several friends and acquaintances who are themselves gay or lesbian and say it all the time, and don't care if anyone says it. Then I have several other friends and acquaintances who find it really offensive and get thoroughly pissed.
     
    Personally, my stance is that the original construction of the phrase has offensive roots, and that the meaning and use is offensive if analyzed, but I'm not offended by it at all when I hear it. By now it's just more or less slipped into the common vernacular, especially in some circles, so I really don't think that in most instances it is uttered with an offensive intention, and I think in order for something to be offensive it can't be said innocently. It's like if a five year old says f**k in a completely innocent way. It's vulgar, it's not what you necessarily want the kid to be saying, but it's pointless, IMO, to be offended by it. The kid didn't mean any harm. Same deal here as far as I'm concerned. So I don't say it myself, don't think I ever have, and probably won't start, but I don't really care if other people say it, especially if it's obvious they don't have malicious intents.
     
    Anyone have any thoughts on that?
  22. AFriendlyFace
    Or so Jewel said in her single Hands
     
    I believe it personally. In the end there's not much else really. Kindness is simple. Kindness is honest. Kindness trumps all else.
     
    Kindness is more important than being right, more important than being better, more important than agreeing, more important even than love. What is love without kindness? Nothing I'd want to see.
     
    Really I think kindness is love, and forgiveness, and mercy, and humility all rolled into one.
     
    Kindness is comforting someone who betrayed you. Kindness is making sacrifices for someone you don't even know. Kindness is giving someone another chance. Kindness is letting someone go. Kindness is giving yourself permission to feel, to hurt, to love, to cry, to trust, to hope.
     
    Kindness is not saying I told you so. Kindness is both lying and telling the truth. Kindness comes from the heart, not the mind.
     
    Kindness heals. Kindness heals without expectations, or desire, or need, or any other condition.
     
    Kindness is irrational.
     
    True kindness isn't something one offers only to friends, but to strangers and enemies alike. Anyone can be kind to a friend or a lover, it is being kind to someone who has wronged us that shows true purity of heart.
     
    Kindness is not condescending. Kindness is not found in pride or bribery or religion.
     
    Kindness does not make us better people; kindness makes us people.
     
    In the end only kindness matters.
  23. AFriendlyFace
    Well, I don't suppose that's true. Very often I seem to be able to liven them up. Tonight though I definitely killed it.
     
    I went out to dinner with Scott and Brian then we went for coffee (btw, hottest guy in the WORLD, working behind that counter! ). Anyway, we usually have fairly serious discussions, which is one of the things I enjoy most about hanging out with them. We discuss philosophy, death, politics, religion (ad nauseum), and pretty much anything else.
     
    Anyway, last night one of the blogs I didn't post was about my thoughts and feelings on John leaving and people moving on with their lives in general, so I thought it was a perfectly acceptable topic to bring up. ...yeah not so much. I swear I thought they were going to both cry...actually Scott did cry a bit in the car on the way home.
     
    My opinion is that it's okay, important even, for people to do what the need to do. I think that the most important thing about a relationship is living in the moment, enjoying it, fully experiencing it, giving and sharing, and then having happy times to look back on and always being able to think of the person fondly.
     
    I've 'left' or 'been left by' quite a few people over the course of my life. I've lived in three cities, and had friends I loved a great deal. A few people I've stayed in touch with, to some degree or another, but most are only a happy memory. I think of them and I smile, and I remember what we had, what we went through together, and I wish them well, and I wonder what they're up to. It's nice. It fills me with a warm sort of happiness to know that I have people all over the country (and outside of the country) that I love and care about and with whom I've shared my life. It is not sad for me.
     
    But I got on the topic, and we talked about the possibility of our own friendships ending (not a stretch for Brian and me in the first place given that ours is already in it's second life), and the next thing I knew they both looked near tears and Brian made up an excuse to leave. Scott cried a bit on the way home and wouldn't talk very much.
     
    What he did say is that I had a different perspective on things because my family accepts me...which I guess is true, and it definitely made me feel like shit.
     
    I tried to be nice, I tried to lighten things up, I tried to tell them how much I cared..I think I made the hole deeper.
     
    I guess I do have different perspectives than they do. Brian doesn't trust people or open up very easily. That's probably why he ended our friendship in the first place. It's probably also why he made an effort to reconcile it. I guess he concluded that he still trusted me to some extent that was rare and important enough to work on. Telling him I'd probably leave some day wasn't exactly a comfort.
     
    I do see things differently. The only reason I was open to working out our problems is precisely because I can live in the moment and try to set the past and future aside. Here we are, right now, and I care about you, and I'm happy, and that's enough.
     
    I thought about it and I realized that even given the shit and pain he put me through I was still very grateful for our friendship and I'd had a lot of good times. I still cared about him as a person. So even if we'd never spoken again I could have gotten to a place where I was happy it had all happened and could look back on him fondly (indeed I did get to that place before he decided he wanted to make up). The reason I decided it was okay to have another round wasn't because I thought he'd changed and I didn't expect him to do it again. That isn't the case at all. I think there's a damn good chance he'll do it again, and a damn good chance I'll get pretty f**kin hurt again, but I know we'll have a lot more good times (indeed we already have), and I strongly think that if we do 'break up' again, I'll ultimately be able to appreciate the second go around again too. Besides that I'm pretty confident in my resilience. I get knocked down, but I always get up again.
     
    So yeah, I flubbed with Brian, but despite all that I know I screwed up much worse with Scott. I think the more I told him "I care about you" the more he heard "but I'm still going to leave you anyway." I guess it is harder for him if he feels like his friends are the only family he has. I suppose it didn't help that for most of the discussion I was too fixated on trying to make my own point to see that I really should have dropped it. I kept trying to point out the various things which might cause us to separate, things like jobs, partners, death, sick family etc. Gee I wonder why pointing out that death and serious illness were real possibilities didn't cheer him up?
     
    The truth is I hope we do grow into little old queens together, but somehow it doesn't seem very likely to me that we'll still be living in the same city, or if we do that we will have always done.
     
    Is it all my fault? I guess I am more likely to be the one that leaves. Even if I'm not I'm probably the one who'll get hurt less, the one who'll bounce back more quickly.
     
    I've been around more than a little. I haven't been all over, but I've had varied experiences in many different places. I've had a wide range of friends. Online I've been in several communities, I've known people through tons of jobs, hobbies, and chance encounters. Honestly, I don't think I'm going to stop any time soon. It's not that I'm discontent; I'm not. It's just that there's a lot out there and I like poking around.
     
    As most of you have noticed sometimes I'm here a lot, and sometimes I'm no where to be found. Well, the truth is that I love it here, I love the community, I love the mission, but some day I probably won't be back. I'm not planning it, not anymore than I'm planning to leave Houston, but realistically it'll probably happen. When it does I'll have a lot of happy memories and people to look back on fondly. I'll also have a lot more adventures waiting for me and the sincerest of hopes that everyone is okay, and happy our paths crossed.
     
    I could have lived my life quite contentedly in the city I grew up in. I could have literally kept the friends I had when I was 8 until I or them died, and that wouldn't have been bad at all. But I'd sure have hated to miss out on my life in Baton Rouge. I can't stand to think that I wouldn't have done the things I did, met the people I met, gone through all that. I sure as hell could have lived my life happily there. Yet, of all the times I've spent, I think the best have been in Houston. To think that I'd have missed the experiences I've had here is beyond tragic.
     
    Sometimes I do think I might stay though. Sometimes the certain and familiar are pretty damn appealing. I guess at some point, somewhere, they'll be so appealing I'll just stay. I don't think I'm there yet though, and I don't think I want to be. Not just yet anyway.
  24. AFriendlyFace
    It seems that very often when I sit down to write a blog entry I write a really long, open, honest one...then I decide I should post it in my private journal instead.
     
    Just did that actually. I really enjoyed writing it, and perhaps in a few months or years I'll enjoy reading it again. I didn't post it not because it was particularly personal, just because it was so long, so self-involved.
     
    I mean blogs are supposed to be self-involved aren't they? Or at least I would assume that it's okay to be self-involved in your own blog. Yet lately every time I write one I feel like I'm being arrogant or bragging. Like I'm saying "Look at me! Look how great I am!" Or alternatively like I'm just asking for attention in general. "Help me with my problems." "Feel sorry for me."
     
    Blah, just seems a bit unseemly.
  25. AFriendlyFace

    I miss being rude

    By AFriendlyFace,

    Or so I accidentally said in a text this afternoon.
     
    I was hanging out at our favourite cafe with Scott and Brian today when I got a text from John. He moved away to Connecticut a couple of weeks ago and it was basically a "hey, what are you up to" text. So I responded saying where we were and he said "Aww, I miss going there." Now I meant to respond with "I miss being here with you." Unfortunately, I suck at texting/typing/reading and talking/listening so I was saying to Scott and Brian "I'm sorry I'm texting; I feel rude." (Because I really do feel rude texting/talking on the phone if I'm hanging out with other people) So yeah, I ended up mixing my words and texting "I miss being rude."
     
    Anyway, I do miss going there with John
     
    I'm actually thinking he's going to end up coming back. I kinda thought he might all along anyway, but I think it's still something he needed to go and check out. Anyway, the way I see it he'll either come back (YAY), or he'll decide he's happy and stay (also YAY), so either way it'll work out
     
    In other news I had my friend Jesse over for dinner the other night and naturally Lucky (my cat) was all over her. That cat is so adorably friendly and social. I don't think she's ever met a person, or another animal for that matter, that she didn't like. Anyway, she's REALLY good-natured and nothing makes her happier than cuddling with someone. So Jesse made this awesome suggestion! She proposed that I look into enrolling Lucky in one of those 'animals in nursing homes/hospitals' programs. Ya know, where they bring the animals in to sit with the sick or elderly. I think that's a terrific idea! Lucky would have a fantastic time, and if I do say so myself she's a pretty awesome cat. Even people that don't like cats like Lucky, so I definitely think she could cheer people up.
     
    I also got hit on by two separate guys at Kroger this evening. I took one of the incidents as a nice little compliment, but the other one made me a bit uncomfortable. I noticed this cute guy (see it always helps when the flirter is cute ) checking me out and when I caught him he just gave this cute little sheepish smile, and when I smiled back he sort of winked. So perfectly pleasant there. The other guy...not so much. He was walking toward me so I sort of stepped back to let him pass, but he adjusted his direction so that he still walked directly into my right shoulder/side. Not hard, but firmly and he sorta passed really slow and lingered. Now really I had no idea what was going on until I looked up, already thinking "how rude," and when I made eye contact he DIDN'T smile, he just sort of leered at me.
     
    It's interesting because I just finished a book about body language/touch, and I think one of the main problems is that he invaded my personal space and broke a lot of 'social rules' when it comes to asking permission/apologizing. Conversely, the other guy played by all the 'rules' mentioned in the book. When someone catches you staring, for whatever reason, you're 'supposed' to give a quick smile and look away. I then followed it up by catching his eye and smiling myself, which made the returned attention and friendly wink acceptable. In fact that's almost exactly how the book said it was supposed to work. And no, of course I wasn't thinking about these things while they were happening, but it's interesting to reflect on. Anyway, needless to say given all the attention I received today (even Scott was very complimentary about my appearance) I shall definitely be wearing that outfit again
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