WOW
That about sums up my thoughts about the conversation I had this afternoon with a friend of mine.
So basically I stayed very close with two of my friends from high school. One of course is my girl Claire, the other we'll call Sandra (not her real name but I feel as though I ought to carefully protect her anonymity). Anyway, Sandra and I went to the same university and kept in touch throughout college (and since we've graduated). Now obviously I was already out to Claire (she was the first person I ever came out to, and she's also a lesbian herself, and quite possibly the reason I've always liked and trusted lesbians so much in the first place).
Sandra on the other hand I'd never come out to. Now basically coming out to Sandra felt like the main thing I needed to do with terms of bringing my past in line with my future. See I pretty much figured that apart from a few family members (in fact the cousin I've been mentioning in recent blogs is pretty much the other main person I need to come out to), the other people from my past, however dear to me, probably weren't going to be playing a big role in my future.
I've sorta been feeling like a jerk and a liar for not coming out to Sandra though. I always pretty much figured it would be okay, the only thing that was really stopping me was that 1) it felt like it should have already come up long ago, and 2) it's still awkward to just randomly throw into a conversation when randomly mentioning it isn't appropriate (as it might be with someone you don't know as well).
Now if you think this blog is about me coming out to Sandra you're completely wrong.
See the last couple of times I've talked to Sandra on the phone she kept saying "I really need to talk to you about something, but it's something we'll need a lot of time to talk about". So she kept not telling me because one of us wouldn't have the time necessary to go into it. Also, recently when I was talking to her I intuitively knew that she wanted to tell me/bring up whatever it was but couldn't because her roommate was in the room.
Now being your standard, run-of-the-mill, self-absorbed human being I naturally, and foolishly assumed that whatever she wanted to discuss was about me. I also was thinking "I bet she's heard rumours about me being gay and wants to confront me". Not the case.
See Sandra was in this long-distance relationship. She'd met this guy on the internet when we were kids and through all the years they'd stayed in touch. Well semi-recently - about 2, maybe 3, years ago - she called off her engagement to this guy she'd been seeing since we were in high school, and when she did, John (also a made up name) was there to comfort and support her via the internet and phone. Well as you can probably imagine things developed further between Sandra and John and she eventually decided to go and visit him (he lived several states away) on vacation. Well they had a great time, hit things off really well, and started up this long-distance relationship. Whenever one of them had some time off they'd go and visit the other, etc.
Well last winter John started acting distant and saying that he wanted to end things with Sandra. But since then they'd patched everything up and were doing fine. I'd never found out what was wrong though...till today.
It turns out that that John had a secret, a big secret! John wasn't Sandra's boyfriend...John was Sandra's girlfriend. John was actually Jane (another made up name). When Sandra confronted John, John finally fessed up (over a text message no less ).
So yeah, WOW! I have no idea how Sandra could have handled such a thing! It turns out they even had been..."intimate" on several occasions. Apparently Jane had a very realistic, attachable dildo, and against all odds had successfully duped Sandra (honestly I don't even want to try to figure out the logistics). Jane also claimed to have a "back problem" which necessitated the wearing of a back (and front) brace, which effectively kept her boobs hidden.
Anyway that was seven months ago and they're still together and doing fine. In fact Jane is finally going to move down to Louisiana to be with Sandra.
So I asked Sandra what was going on with their relationship, and how she was able to basically get past not only the whole "whoa! I'm in a gay relationship and I didn't even know it" thing, but also the MAJOR deception. And she said "well, she's still the same person I'm in love with on the inside"
In all the years I've been friends with Sandra (we met in elementary school) I don't think she's ever made me so proud as when she said that.
Anyway, in all honesty I'm not sure just how much I approve of the whole thing...I mean obviously I don't have any issues with lesbianism lol! But WOW what a massive deception! On the other hand I can tell based on what Sandra says that Jane did all this because she was 1) in love and 2) scared of what would happen if she told the truth.
Anyway, naturally I took the opportunity to throw in "hey, while we're making revelations, I'm gay". And naturally it wasn't a big deal, nor was it something we even discussed very much given the other topic.
I feel really badly for Sandra. She and Jane have no where to turn for support or acceptance. Jane's family, who Sandra has met, have no idea. Sandra's family already strongly disapproved of John because of the whole "they met on the internet thing". To make matters even worse and more complicated, apparently when Sandra's mom met John she did suspect that John was Jane, and she even confronted Sandra about it. She even said something to the effect of "it's okay that's it's a girl, but not this girl, and either way I want to know". Unfortunately this was at the time that Sandra really didn't know that John was Jane and she got really defensive and emphatic etc. It's also bad because either way they never liked John/Jane, and as Sandra pointed out when they find out the whole truth they're really going to dislike her because she lied to Sandra.
The only person besides me who knows about Jane and Sandra is Sandra's cousin, who found out because she was uniquely tied to Jane and Sandra, because she too had met Jane online at the same time. Unfortunately Sandra's cousin is VERY unsupportive and also doesn't accept Jane and Sandra's relationship.
Sandra's two best friends have major religious issues with homosexual relationships, and apart from myself the only person Sandra could think of that would probably be okay with it is one of the before-mentioned friends' boyfriend. Unfortunately while he probably wouldn't care (and I know the guy, he does seem like a really laid-back, cool dude), he probably wouldn't be able to keep it from his girlfriend (who in turn would probably end up not only unsupportive but blabbing the whole thing to Sandra's family/other friends).
So yeah, I'm feeling majorly sorry for Sandra and Jane right now, I'm also still just really...shocked. I mean I had met Jane too, and heck I should have a really good eye for noticing people in drag, but nope, I was completely fooled.
Anyway, I just can't get over how awesome it is that Sandra's just completely thumbing her nose at society, her upbringing, and even her previous perceptions about herself to be with the person she loves.
For the most part I guess I do approve of their relationship since they've overcome so many obstacles and as Sandra so eloquently put it "I just don't see why anyone else's opinion should matter anyway. If I'm okay with what happened and what's going on, and I'm happy I don't think it should matter to the people who are supposed to care about me". (yeah of course I'm paraphrasing since that's a pretty long quote and I wasn't exactly taking notes, but that's the gist of it).
I've also always loved the idea of someone falling in love with someone against all odds, and not of the gender they tend to fall for, simply because they love the person. In many ways I think that's the purest kind of romantic love. I once read in this book about gay relationships about this gay male couple that was in love. Neither had ever realized he was gay until he met the other, and neither has ever had feelings for or attractions toward another male. They're only gay in reference to each other. I think that's really awesome and amazing, and if that holds true for one of my friends I'm really happy for her.
I'm also happy because she said that despite all the drama and stuff going on (and lets face it, this could almost be the plot line for a soap opera), she's "never been happier".
Well that and I'm really happy that I finally came out to her, and even more honoured and flattered that she trusted me with this revelation.
