AFriendlyFace

Yes, I do this sort of thing quite often. A few weeks ago, as I was leaving work, a rainstorm knocked out the power. As such the elevators weren't working so I had to take the stairs. The stairwell obviously didn't have any light either, so it was pitch black. I work on the 5th floor; I was definitely glad I had my phone to use as a light. That sounds so cool! What type of phone is it? Take care all Kevin

I have some thoughts. I can understand how it must be painful for you to lose such a long term relationship. However, in my opinion, it's probably best for both of you if you just move on and deal with your own issues separately. After so long together there was probably something of a co-dependent element to the relationship. You indicated that he's doing well now right? And that he's making a lot of progress and dealing with his emotions. In that case it sounds like you don't need to worry about him, and that he truly isn't your responsibility anymore. By the same token, you're doing okay and you're in a new relationship now; you're no longer his responsibility. I think after so long together it would be difficult to have a relationship without a great deal of baggage. This is only my opinion, but I think he might be better off and better able to handle his problems without all that baggage in his face. By the same token, I would speculate that you'll have an easier time of it with some distance as well. I also suspect that it's better for your current relationship to keep the ex at bay for now. I'm not a very jealous person at all, but I think your situation is one in which I truly would prefer my significant other to avoid spending time with their ex. It's not that you and Ryan getting back together or messing around is a likely outcome, it's just that you both run the risk of being hurt and having a lot of confusing feelings resurface. Of course you still care about each other and are inquiring about the other person through mutual friends; that's only normal. After so long together of course you're going to care and of course you're going to be curious. My recommendation is to leave it at curiosity though. I think it could be very good if you explicitly make it clear to Ryan that you forgive him. I think it could be really good for him and really good for you. Just because your forgive him though, and let go of some of that inevitable baggage and bitterness doesn't mean you guys should necessarily become friends again though. My advice would be to write him a letter or something and forgive him that way. If anything talk to him in person or by phone one more time. I think the forgiveness part is great and advisable. Just be careful how you handle it. Try to avoid blaming him for anything and take responsibility for things yourself. Maybe something along the lines of, "I'm really sorry about all the bad things that happened between us, and I'm really grateful for all the good things. Please know that no matter what happens I'll always have a lot of happy memories of the time we spent together and I'll always care about you. Please forgive me for anything I may have done that hurt you or made things tough for you. Please also know that I forgive you for anything you did which hurt me." Of course you'd have to personalize it to suit your own situation. Anyway, point is I just wouldn't personally recommend a friendship for you guys right now. If anything give it three or four years. At that point it would be easier to start on a completely fresh, new page. In the meantime just be grateful for what you had and be happy about the good stuff in your own life and the good stuff in his life. Of course all of that is just my personal opinion and advice. I get the impression that you're going to do what you want anyway, and that's fine since this is your situation and you're the one responsible for it. I just wanted to give you my own perspective since you posted this and since I found your situation moving and thought-provoking. I hope nothing I said was out of line Good luck, dude. -Kevin

Krista, would you like to come over for a bath? hehe, J/K, but it sounds like you do them right

Major props to this response! I have a simple philosophy: I attempt to go out of my way to avoid unnecessarily offending anyone and I go out of my to avoid being offended. I don't always get it right. Occasionally I needlessly take offense and sometimes I accidentally put my foot in my mouth and upset someone. Sometimes I even get grumpy and tell them off intentionally. However, I definitely believe it's best to avoid being unnecessarily offensive or hypersensitive to others' words and actions. I think your friend probably should have worded her response more carefully to avoid giving unnecessary offense; however, certainly the readers should give her the benefit of the doubt if at all possible. -Kevin

:nuke: LOL, I don't feel like I was filthy to begin with when I take a bath. I mean it's not as though I'm scrubbing off caked on mud or something. In any case, when I take a bath it is just for relaxation purposes. It can be lovely to sit in a warm tub with a glass of wine, a few candles burning, and your favourite songs playing. You're right though; I would feel strange stepping directly out of a bath and drying off. When ever I take a bath I always finish it up with a quick shower to rinse off at the end. This isn't really to rid myself of "filth," more like the soapy feeling. Forgot to quote, but I never fall asleep anywhere. I have no trouble at all sleeping, but I have no trouble staying awake either. For me sleeping is a very intentional thing. I don't fall asleep; I decide it's time to go to sleep and then I do it. I can usually do it with no trouble. It's waking up that's nearly impossible. -Kevin

The journey of a thousand miles starts with but a single step. Good luck, dude -Kevin

That sounds so fun (and hot!). I love the metrosexual movement! I also love Japanese boys Hehe, I hope you're able to ping a few and have some dates. My only experience with gay Japanese people has been with immigrants and while they certainly have been fashionable I just assumed it was because they were gay, lol. I can definitely feel ya though, I'd say foreigners of any sort are the biggest obstacle to my gaydar as well. I think it's because gaydar has a huge cultural component and until you're familiar with the culture in question it's difficult to properly identify it. Interestingly, I had an embarrassing incident of flirting shamelessly with an (evidently) straight Englishmen recently. I assumed that because he was adorable, liberal, and artistic he must be gay. A friend of mine present at the time insists that he wasn't. Of course it's still debatable about which one of us was correct so I'm not completely giving in. My attempts were unsuccessful though, so perhaps it would be better if I conclude he must have been straight -Kevin

Happy Birthday

I enjoy both.

Is it lame if I say The Ordinary Us by our own Domluka? It really is the first one that springs to mind!

Welcome to all the new members!!

Based on the title I was rather hoping this thread was going to have something to do with spotting a bisexual versus a gay person. Oh well, Gaydar is always fun to talk about too. I like this post! Seems like one of the most realistic and logical courses of action. My experience is such that I'm out in large city where lots of other people are out, and I specifically tend to socialize in gay/gay friendly places. As such, most of the people I pick up on my gaydar are also out, and it's not very difficult. I went to the store the other day and had no problem pegging the cashier as a lesbian (the gay pride bracelet was a big give away ). I also had a waitress a few weeks ago explicitly out herself because she noticed I was reading a GLBT magazine (this was a good strategy on her part since I was just about to tip her and tipped a good bit higher since she was "family.") I think it's much easier to spot a gay guy who is out than a closeted one regardless of "obvious" factors (like a boyfriend on his arm, etc.). I think that apart from the stereotypical things like clothing, voice, etc., and the things aforementioned like seeing who they check out, it's very easy and possible to peg a gay guy just by the way he moves and conducts himself. It's not really just the walk per se (although that can certainly give it away), it's the way he holds his head and arms as well. It's also the way he responds to you and/or other 'gay' things. When I walk through a crowd sometimes I spot a gay guy first, and sometimes he spots me first, but regardless most of time the mere act of spotting the other person let's them know if they didn't already ready. It's almost like a semi-secret organization or something, we'll walk by each other and exchange a slight smile or nod and we both know the other person is "one of us." Often gays and lesbians travel in "packs" as well, and that makes it much easier. At least one of them will be a giveaway and then in context you can figure out the rest. For example when I go somewhere with my friends sometimes it's just two of us, sometimes three, sometimes four or more, but regardless we're all much easier to spot because we're together, and there's a good chance we're also discussing sometime GLBT themed or discussing something non-GLBT themed in a way that's still a dead giveaway to anyone listening. I definitely think it's all a lot easier to do with out guys and if you're out yourself. When I do spot a gay guy, even when I'm not at all interested, if he hasn't noticed me and realized I was gay, I'll usually try to let him know in some way. I think most of these things would apply in some way to closeted individuals as well, but probably to a lesser, more discrete extent. Of course when I do "ping" other people it doesn't necessarily tell me if they're closeted or not (unless they are wearing that pride bracelet, or sporting that lover). Maybe I ping primarily out people, or maybe I ping an even blend, no way of knowing I suppose. I personally suspect I ping primarily out people but get a fair number of closeted people as well. Anyway, I'm just rambling on, but I enjoy the topic....Now would anyone like to discuss the differences between gaydar and bidar? -Kevin

Hmm, all of my "bizarre" stories would go decidedly toward the kinky direction and probably wouldn't be appropriate for public discussion. I never mind a good, graphic sex talk, but I do try to keep it non-pornographic for the sake of the site I will say, probably due to my ultra-liberal, politically correct background that I find it a bit...tragic perhaps, that all that was required to make the sexual experience bizarre was the presence of the midget. If you'd finished the story "Jacking off with a midget while he recited Shakespeare" I wouldn't have found it tragic at all. Oh wait, that's actually reminded me of the time a really drunk/high dude blew me while we listened to "Penny Lane" by the Beatles. That was...very strange. Oddly, I ran into him a couple of years later, was attracted to him all over again, and it took me awhile to realize I'd already had sex with him. Got a kick out of it when I realized he was "The Penny Lane Guy." Anyway, I think I'd be sad if I were a midget and simply by virtue of having sexual contact with me it ranked as the most bizarre sexual experience someone ever had. Still, it's certainly not for me to question what other people find bizarre, and I did get a kick out of the story and topic. -Kevin

Ohhh, fun poll, Viv! My results: 1) I'd say this is a trick question. It depends on how you define "know." You can know something without really knowing it. Anyway I put 10-13, but I could have reasonably put most of the other options too. 2) Same deal. I knew, but I didn't necessarily know. For me learning about my sexuality has been a very long, on-going (fun!) experience and I really wouldn't say there was ever a single defining moment with regards to either discovery. It's further complicated by the fact that I've switched labels so much and my perspective has shifted quite a bit over time. Now I pretty much use "gay" and "bi" interchangeably to describe my sexuality and I just don't think either one really fits very well. Gay is probably the closest match in terms of lifestyle and culture but bi is probably a better fit strictly in terms of orientation. In any case, for 2) I just put "yes" 3) I put Absolutely Agree! I'm also of the opinion that just because I tried something once and did or didn't like it that doesn't necessarily mean that a similar experience will yield the same results next time. I think too often people lump these things into massive categories that really ought to be broken down a bit more. For example the obvious question to the answer "you can't know until you try it" is "Kissing a guy/girl" or "having sex with a guy/girl." Personally, I think it's kind of ridiculous to lump these together as if kissing a single guy/girl and/or having sex with them is going to give you any kind of indication about whether or not you'd enjoy doing the same thing with another member of that gender. I've had some really awesome experiences and some really boring/bad ones. It wasn't the gender of the person; it was the person themselves, our chemistry together, and the overall circumstances. 4) I answered yes, although I'm unlikely to go that route. I'm pretty sure I could be perfectly happy alone, with a male, or with a female. Again, I'd say the key factors are the circumstances involved and not necessarily the gender. I'm much more likely to remain single or partner with a male. If I partner with a female...well that's fine too. I won't partner with anyone unless the relationship is mutually satisfying and if it is then obviously it's working and there's no reason to rule it out. 5) Sort of a 4.5. I will say it definitely fluctuates. I'm never less than a 3 and never an absolute 6, but I might hit anywhere between about 3.1 and 5.9 depending on when you ask. I'm sort of getting to that point where when posed the question, "Are you heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual?" I'm tempted to respond, "I'm just sexual." Earlier today I was in a cafe and across the room I saw an attractive person. I thought the person's hair was awesome. Their face was beautiful. their overall style and attitude was compelling. I found that I had to keep from staring. There was one thing I was sure of: I was attracted to this person. One thing I wasn't sure of, at all, was the person's gender. I kept trying to figure it out. Was this a male or was this a female? I realized it didn't really matter. I settled on the likelihood that it was a beautiful, pretty gay male. Once the person walked by it turned out to be pretty lesbian. As I said, just didn't really matter....well except that I'd have probably stood a better chance if it had been a gay guy Fascinating entry! -Kevin

More gorgeous photos!! Billy, I love the purple hair! I also got a kick out of your caption for the second picture since it essentially implied that you'd put your thinking cap on

Hmmm, I think people are way too hung up on nudity. I will say that on a different note, unless I'm in a situation with other gay/bi males and/or I'm "out" I feel a bit uncomfortable with them being naked. It sort of feels like I'm taking advantage of the situation or something and entering a set of circumstances that people of heterosexual persuasion aren't privy to. Personally, I think the fixation and hang ups over nudity is silly regardless and I think it's often exaggerated between opposite gender people as well. Regardless, since I pretty much accept the status quo that straight guys don't get to look at girls while they're changing, it doesn't feel entirely appropriate for me to watch the straights strip. It's actually slightly similar to how I feel around girls sometimes. Occasionally I am attracted to them, but since I'm generally perceived as an exclusively gay male I sort of feel like I have an unfair advantage. As such, nowadays I try to generally convey the attitude that I'm potentially sexually interested in anyone, and you should probably disrobe at your own risk

Wooo HOOO!!! Happy birthday, Mike! I hope you have a truly awesome day and may the coming year figuratively blind you with happiness and delight! :hug: -Kevin

I enjoyed that! Very fun clip! Happy birthday by the way

Well, I approach everyone the same way: with a smile and an open mind. I don't really worry about whether or not the guy is gay. If I'm significantly attracted to him I tend to assume automatically that he is and I'm almost always right. That's because I'm primarily attracted to gay guys. The only ones that ever throw me are the sensitive/metrosexual/artistic straight guys. To answer # 1 though, I would say the absolute best way is to come out yourself. I'm completely "out" and if I meet someone and he doesn't let me know in some way then I don't waste my time, because I figure either he's straight and there's no point, or he's in the closet and he's probably not ready to come out. If he is in the closet then that doesn't automatically preclude me from dating him. I'm willing to as long as he's comfortable in "gay settings" and around GLBT people at least, even if he won't come out in the straight world. However, either way I figure it's his responsibility to 'out' himself to me, and not my place to out him. # 2 is, as I said, the same way I pretty much approach everyone, and virtually all the guys I approach I assume are gay. Regardless, I'm just friendly, a bit flirty perhaps, and just feel him out to see if he's seeing anyone and if not if he's at all interested. # 3, I have a pretty rigid rule about not dating friends. I'm willing to be friends with people I've dated, but not generally the other way around. I figure good friendships are too important to jeopardize in this way. For me there's a fairly narrow window when I meet someone. If things don't go in a romantic/physical/sexual direction fairly soon after I meet them then they enter the "friend zone" and that's about all they'll ever get out of me. I'm sure there's always the possibility that there will be an exception, or even multiple exceptions, in the future, but that's the way I've always conducted things up until now and I've found that it works quite nicely. Anyway, I'm really glad you got things worked out with your friend! -Kevin

I think it depends on what you're looking for in a friendship. One friendship, or one type of friendship, probably isn't going to satisfy all of your "friendship needs." If you're looking for exercise and low-maintenance then I'm sure straight guys are the way to go. If on the other hand you're looking for a "shoulder to cry on" (metaphorically or literally), then they may not be the best choice. Personally, virtually all my close friendships are with other gay/bi males. However, I have a notable contingent of lesbians and a smaller group of straight female and straight male friends. Regardless, I've learned that these friendships are different. One group of friends I find extremely fun and low maintenance. These are essentially my drinking/party friends. I go out with them when I feel like it and if I skip out early, cancel, or decline from the start, no one freaks out or gets their feelings hurt. When we're together it's all laughter, drinks, dancing, flirting, etc. Then I've got my more cerebral friends. These are the ones I sit around with for hours discussing philosophy, religion, psychology, linguistics, etc. I've also got my "I need to bitch and whine and get a hug" friends. These are the ones I sit around with discussing our feelings, etc. I've also got friends based on specific hobbies and interests I enjoy and the primary focus is on the specific shared interest. I've found that by and large these friends aren't always the best to try to mix. My intellectuals do not make good drinking buddies, and my emotionals don't appreciate it if I analyze them instead of supporting them. Eh, just my thoughts. Enjoy your running buddies, but keep your "crying buddies" around just in case -Kevin

Lovely photos all around. I swear every time I go away for a bit when I come back you're all even more beautiful than before!

MMMMMM, lucky boy! I'm of the opinion that the Japanese are one of the most beautiful people on the face of the earth. I've had two ex-boyfriends from Japan. Hehe, I'd be like a kid in a candy store That said, I'm sure it is quite a culture shock. I bet it's an awesome learning experience for you though. Besides, you get to be the adorable, exotic looking foreigner now Anyway, I think it's really cool and I wish you the absolute best of luck with it! Keep us posted on how it goes! -Kevin

Eh! I'm with the majority! Sex with a friend I'm not romantically interested in sounds like a nightmare! I have a very firm no sex policy when it comes to friends. I think it's the worst thing you can do for a friendship short of moving in long-term with the person.

Hmmmm, I find it interesting, and unnecessary, that everyone is disagreeing with Frosty. This thread is simply a request for opinions and frankly until he offered his own differing one it seemed like a steady chorus of "go for it" rehashed over and over again. That said, I disagree with him of course Personally, I can't imagine myself in W.L.'s situation because in all honestly I don't have much interest in older guys. On the other hand, I can well imagine myself in the other dude's place. If I were 37 and single and a cute, interesting 22 year old came along I probably would go for it. Even now I tend to go for guys at least a couple of years younger. Anyway, you've heard the "age is just a number" and "differences are the spice of life" variations plenty of times already so let me just throw in my own perspective. Personally, I think I'm far more likely to regret something I didn't do than something I did. I don't care if I fall flat on my face and end up with a couple of bruises; what I find frighteningly distasteful is thinking that I might have missed out on a fun, interesting, fulfilling experience that could have been really great! So yeah, if you're interested in him I say go for it! The worst that can happen is that it won't work out, but at least you won't wonder what might have been and at least you'll probably have something nice, or at least interesting, to look back on. Basically, I think if it doesn't work out you'll probably get over it (at least I hope that's the case), but if it does work out...well that's just golden isn't it? Take care, dude -Kevin

That's not entirely true; I've been dying for a good vagina story