AFriendlyFace

I think the things that happen to you are less important than what you do with them. Today a friend of mine kept sending me texts about this article he was reading. Basically the article, and hence the texts, were about how royally F-d up his life was destined to be because his family hadn't been supportive of his sexuality when he was younger. Now don't get me wrong, I care about my friend very much and I'm deeply sorry for all the painful things that have happened to me, but one strong message kept coming through again and again in each of his texts, "I'm a victim!" It's not just this, if it were I'd probably have more patience with it. He also plays the victim because of health problems. Also financial problems. As well as on-going problems with various friends and family members. Basically it's victim, victim, victim! I swear sometimes I just want to shout, "GET OVER IT!" I have repeatedly done the much nicer equivalent of letting him know that if the situation is something he can change he should work toward it and if it isn't he should accept it and make peace with it. See, that sounds way nicer than "Fix it or deal with it, but quit the damn whining!" I think it all pretty much boils down to the same thing though. It's just the perpetual helplessness that gets tiring. I'm all for acknowledging, analyzing, and expressing one's feelings. Indeed, I've talked with him in depth about these things many times, and exclusively made the focus of my efforts sympathizing and simply listening. It's just that, it doesn't seem to get better after we're done. Instead everything just keeps getting dragged back out again and again and I feel like I'm supposed to act shocked and terribly supportive and sympathetic every time. I kinda feel like I've done all I can here. I've offered a hell of a lot of emotional support and a hell of a lot of advice, several times, sometimes separately and sometimes together. I don't know what else to do. I don't think there is anything else I can do. I think at this point it's up to him to quit being a victim and do something about the situation (or accept that it will always be what it is and that dwelling and complaining aren't going to help). I think it's primarily an attitude thing though. For example he dwells on my problems more than I do. A couple of months ago we went out to a club to meet some friends, I was driving, and on the way we got pulled over and I was given a ticket for doing a rolling stop at a stop sign. For the remainder of the night, every hour or so he'd bring it back up and ask if I was okay, or sympathize. It was nice, and I know he was trying to be supportive, the thing is, I was really fine. I was pissed and disappointed for like fifteen minutes, I bitched about it to all our friends, then kinda brushed it off. At that point I decide all I could do was pay it and get on with my life. The first time he brought it back up that evening I was having a lovely time and when he asked, "are you okay with what happened?" Or something to that effect, my reaction was an honest, perplexed, "what happened?" By the same token, I feel like very often he spontaneously brings up my problems and then sympathizes. As I said, I'm sure it's his way of being supportive, but the majority of the time I wasn't even thinking about my problems. It's not really just him though. I mean, not just him. I know lot's of people who seem to use their problems almost like a crutch, at the very least as a permanent excuse. I think this sort of thing is often very prevalent in the GLBT community. There's almost a "culture of victimization." Homophobia is the scapegoat to everything isn't it? If someone doesn't like me, it's bound to be because he/she is homophobic. Couldn't be that they simply don't like my personality. Didn't get a promotion? Homophobia. Slow service at the restaurant? Homophobia on a plate please. Of course it's not really just the GLBT. One of the only prejudices I've ever had against minorities (and pretty much all minorities) is that I half expect them to be walking around with this victimized chip on their shoulder, hypersensitive to the tiniest, most unrelated thing. I think prejudice is a really terrible, ugly, horrific thing, but it's nasty little brother is most definitely casual, unsubstantiated accusations of prejudice. Of course I think it goes beyond minorities too. I think that in many ways the whole country has a culture of victimization. It seems like everyone's just sitting around waiting for things to go wrong, and then as soon as they do they look for excuses instead of solutions. It's even better if the person is "blessed" with two or three problems that create a lovely cycle of defeat. That way if someone offers a viable option to one of the problems you still get to whine and say, "but that won't work because of..." The psychologist Martin Seligman proposed the theory of "Learned Helplessness." Basically, the way it works is you get this dog, put him in a metal pen with short wall diving his pen from the neighbouring pen, then run a mild electrical shock through his pen. The dog will jump out over the wall and into the safe pen thereby solving his problem. In the second part of the experiment both the dog's staring pen and the neighbouring pen are electrified, or else a roof is placed over the pen so that the dog can't get away from the shock. Initially the dog struggles, eventually he just gives up and lays there whimpering. Next the roof is removed, or the neighbouring pen is safe or whatever. Guess what? The dog still just lays there whimpering instead of solving his problem which he could now do if he tried. The dog has learned helplessness. I suppose my friend, the minorities, and America as a whole, have all just hit their respective heads on the roofs of their cages one too many times, and now they don't even try to hop out. When I was a kid whenever we would go any sort of store or restaurant or something, even if the lights were off or the sign said "closed" I would insist on getting out of the car and pulling on the door. It frustrated my mom a lot, but after a few years she just gave up and allowed me to do it because taking the extra 30 seconds for me to jump out, tug on the door, accept that the place was truly closed and then shut up about it, was far easier than listening to me bitch and nag all the way home. On a few occasions I found that the door did indeed open; it only looked closed because it was poorly marked, badly illuminated, or just not very busy. Didn't happen often mind you, but even though I grew to expect that the door probably would be locked, I still felt better after I'd given a good hardy yank just in case. Sometimes I wish I could convince the people around me to pull on a few doors they expect to be locked. You never know when one might open unexpectedly for you.

Tough situation! I've had this sort of thing happen to me before too. I think it depends very much on the individual and your dynamic with her. One strategy that has worked well for me in the past is to make the effort to be emotionally attentive and affirming at a juncture that works for me. If I'm at a party having a nice time, then unless it truly is a crisis then in all honesty it isn't too convenient to stop what I'm doing, shut everyone else out, and focus all of my emotional energy on my own Sad Sally. On the other hand, if it's just a relaxing Sunday afternoon and I'm just tidying up the house, then it isn't such a penance to pick up the phone, call Sally, and encourage her to vent while I listen, support, and clean. I find that by and large, this helps Sally feel better and she's less likely to interrupt while I'm doing something else if it's something that can wait. If she still tries to waylay me with something that isn't pressing then I apologetically, yet firmly, say something to the effect of, "I'm sorry, Sally, I already have plans tonight" or "I'm sorry, Sally, but I need to catch up with Fun Faye right now; I haven't seen her for awhile." Then I finish with, "But let's have lunch tomorrow" or "I'll call you after work tomorrow." Then I really do. Basically, my approach is to try to give Sad Sally some of what she needs, but not totally give up my life in so doing. It probably depends on your relationship with Nellie though. My strategy works with several of the Sad Sallys in my life, but it's an utter failure with a few of the Suffocating Sams. Give 'em an inch and... well, they close the distance, wrap their arms around you, and don't let go! Anyway, good luck! -Kevin

Indeed. I can't imagine the clam was particularly bored attending all those coronations.

Happy Birthday pitchan!! I hope you have a terrific day! -Kevin

Oh wow! That's terrible! I hadn't heard about that.

I found this interesting and thought others might as well: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1567562/Clam-405-is-oldest-animal-ever.html Imagine, a 405 year old claim! I do think it's quite terrible and tragic that they killed it by dragging it up to the surface. Seems like quite a sacrilege after all this time Thoughts and comments?

Happy Birthday! I hope it's fantastic!

Welcome to the forum, guys!! It's awesome to have you here -Kevin

Hey! LOL, maybe it's just because I personally have mild forms of those first two mentioned fetishes, but I don't think they're all that odd! Fingers can be really adorable as can a great set of toes/feet. LOL, and for the record I only like both if they're freshly washed. Anyway, I've heard lots of people say that they found hands attractive and foot fetishes are like the ultimate example of a fetish so I think it's say to assume lots of people have that one! This is the first I've heard of sneeze fetishes though. Anyway, as a mild germophobe I can safely say I don't have that one -Kevin

Awesome pic, Corvus! Lookin good

I just wanted to wish Robbee a very happy and special 18th birthday! I hope you have a fantastic day and an awesome year! -Kevin

Why be with someone on Independence Day? Actually, my way of celebrating this year really was to spend the whole day peacefully by myself. I still responded to texts and even a couple of phone calls, but I happily refused to go anywhere or do anything. It was lovely and relaxing -Kevin

I very much agree. Ideally it should be something optional that each user can decide for themselves. Since Myr indicates currently there is no way to make it optional and it's either on or off, I would have to say my preference is for it to be off. I also agree with WriteByMyself that a better option (which I'm sure isn't possible as of yet) would be to move it underneath the main board. Personally speaking I would most like to see it there and would probably leave it there if I could move it. As is, I'd probably turn it off because it's annoying where it is; however, I do kind of like having it, just not there. So yeah, moving it would be best, but either way I think having the option of having it on or off would be an improvement. As I said, since none of these things are likely realities my (conflicted) vote is for off. Take care all Kevin

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all the kind words and the support very much I am feeling a bit better and coping ok I think. It's just all so strange though...I mean I really only had five immediate family members to begin with and I'm not as close with or in as frequent contact with my aunt and cousin. Now that my grandfather is gone and my grandmother is deep into Alzheimer's I sorta feel like my mom is the only close family I have left It's not that we ever had big family get togethers to begin with, but it's sort of odd that now my "family get togethers" can take place at a table for two.

YAY for vacations!!! You deserve an extra long, extra amazing one! -Kevin

I'm with Mark on this one. I particularly felt sorry for her when you mentioned that you had no way of letting her know you were working on getting her out. Poor thing mush have been really scared and sad not knowing what was going on. So is she out yet?

LOL, can I critique please? (the clothes) Half those outfits were hot; the other half need to be thrown in the furnace. My thoughts: 1) Fabulous! Too over the top to actually get much wear out of, but very eye catching. I'd take a pair. 2)OMG! Did he seriously leave the house like that? :nuke: And seriously, what's with the clunky purse? 3) I'd love this outfit without the sequins. The pants and belt are hot, and the jacket itself is great. The bling makes it jump the shark big time though. It's still adorable, but it just looks tacky. 4) AWESOME! Best outfit in the whole show in my opinion! "Breathtaking" springs to mind; indeed I think I did gasp a bit when I saw it. The vest is gorgeous, the shirt is beautiful and he's wearing it perfectly the way it's rolled up his sleeves, and open almost to the vest. The pants are just terrific! I'd kill for a pair! The belt and bag go wonderfully together and both fit the tone of the outfit to a T. The watch finishes the whole thing off. Throw this outfit on a cute, clean cut looking guy (as they did) and you have the ultimate perfect preppy look! 5) Seriously? I'd have trouble not laughing at this guy if I saw him in real life. The bag looks like an actual shopping bag, and I'd advise him to put the rest of the outfit in it and take the horrid thing back. 6) Kinda a nice cowboy classy look. I'd most definitely wear that outfit to my favourite gay Country and Western bar. The purse needs to go though. It does look nice with belt, but seriously, he could fend off a gay basher with that thing (and he'd probably need to). 7) To me this outfit says, "I'm halfway through my transition and the hormones are making me angry" In this case the bag and belt are the only things that aren't trainwrecks. Put them with a proper outfit, but throw the rest in the insinuator ASAP. 8) This works great for the beach or other stripped down occasion. The bow over his package is cute and ironic. 9) Gorgeous for a fun (albeit it somewhat kinky) night out! I know a few places where I'd be delighted to wear this. I really love the neck and the model definitely has the arms, body, and general look for this outfit. 10) Eugh, not so much. This outfit does not work as a vest ensemble. The shoes are fabulous though! 11) This is better, but I still don't like trying to throw a vest in the mix. The boy is gorgeous though and actually can pull this off. Most people would look comical in this outfit though. 12) Oh my Gosh! I don't know where to start, this thing is a disaster. The coat drags it down from "close your eyes bad" to "roll in the isles laughing." I'd be grimacing if I were walking around looking like that too. 13) Well, I like the actual sleeves a great deal. I think the one on the right would be a cute, fun look completely closed and with the addition of one more button a bit lower. The one on the left is all wrong. It would be cute if it were opening on top and closed on the bottom. As is though, both outfits - far from accenting the models' bodies - are making them look like they just a buffet and couldn't resist popping open a few buttons for some breathing room 14) Very daring, and very good. The neck jewelry really set this outfit off and the guy has the right body and look for it. I feel like I should hate this, but I don't. Actually, I think I'd wear this myself. 15) I think this is actually cute, but it looks too "ahead of its time." It still looks silly by today's standards, but give it some time and I think it'll be really classy. I suppose it already looks hot in fashion hot spots like Milan, but I don't think rest of the world is quite ready for it. 16) Very gorgeous! My only criticism is the undershirt and it's ok but doesn't live up to its full potential IMO. Everything else looks great. He looks like he just stepped off the plane for a classy summer vacation. 17) Eh, I think this would be okay without the silly coat. Save it for the next rainstorm (as an actual raincoat it would be fabulous). 18) This is a lovely dress...for a classy young woman. It kinda looks like he just sneaked into his fashionista sister's wardrobe. I'm totally cool with it, but he should add a nice clutch and some cute heels. 19) How did this guy get out of the 80s? All of those pieces might be okay combined with other, more subtle items, but as an ensemble it looks like a horrible, albeit high fashion, retro nightmare. 20) Oh God! It looks like those tassels are leeches trying to suck the ugly off. 21) "Sun smart" says the caption...looks more like "stupid rainstorm came out of nowhere and ruined my new clothes." 22) Well he looks about as good as one can in a plastic parka. 23) VERY classy! This guy looks like a very successful, high powered executive. 24) I think this outfit is just too much as it is. The red v-neck is cute and could go with tons of things. The jacket might even be a fun addition for some occasions. I just can't see a time when anyone should wear those pants though. The only slightly appropriate time is with a silly suit like this, but it's just...too much, yeah I'm going to go with "too much." 25) Sleek! Hot! I love it! Major props all around! 26) Terrific winter threads! Stylish instead of sloppy layers! Warm and adorable! 27) I think this general look is silly and I wouldn't wear it, but it's well executed and as stupid as I think it looks it really "works" for what they're going for. If this is the sort of style someone likes then it's perfect. 28) This look is hot, but it kinda depends on where he's going and what he's doing. If it's something sporty and that bag is carrying his gear then it's great! 29) Oh God, I know I should hate this, but I frickin love it! It feels like a major guilty pleasure, but I would love to walk around in this! even if it is the red suit's blue twin. 30) Two outta three ain't bad. The first two look hot, stylish, and all around smokin'. The third guy looks like their dorky brother. 31) "Smooth Suit" indeed! Nothing daring or experimental, but classic elegance at its best. 32) Maybe it's the angle, but kinda looks like he's walking around in windpants. Assuming they aren't, and if they fit a bit better, then everything but silly jacket is cute. It would look really adorable in a baby blue or other more muted color. 33) Yeah, that's pretty hot if they're hangin' poolside. All in all very cute and classy. 34) OK, and that really about sums it up. 35) I think those look silly as shorts outfits. Different tops or different bottoms, but please not together! 36) & 37) The guy on the right looks terrific! The guy on the left looks silly and overdone. It is kinda cute, but totally overdone. 38) It looks like his closet threw up on him. He looks a bit nauseated too. Cute guy though, I'd love to take him out of those cloths and rub his tummy. 39) Amazing! This guy is perfect for this outfit and he looks like a million bucks! He just looks so sharp and hot! 40) So outrageous and fun. I do hate it...but I also kinda love it. That was fun -Kevin

LOL, I just knew about Ouroboros from Red Dwarf Good point, I don't use my supporter tag either. I agree with Rilbur that we should shoot for 269

Well, for me sex scenes are...irrelevant I guess you could say. I love reading a good, hot sex scene (of course since "good sex" itself is subjective so too is a "good, hot sex scene"); however, I certainly don't have to have them to enjoy a story. If the author doesn't care to go into detail about it then that's certainly their prerogative and I'm not going to be particularly bothered by it. I would rather the author not write a scene, any type of scene, that he/she is not comfortable with than to force himself/herself to do it and have it come out lousy and thereby taint the story in general. By and large, my attitude toward sex can be summed up quite simply: I think people make way too big a deal about it and fixate on it far too much. This very much goes for people who stray toward the "prudish" side of the spectrum, and people who stray toward the "slutty" side of the spectrum. I think sex is just a part of a relationship and a part of life and I think it should be treated as such without being this massive, scandalous thing that everyone either fixates on or goes red in the face and tries to avoid. I've written a fair number of sex scenes in my stories and like every scene I write I do so because I think it adds something to the characterization and development of the story. I do like to include scenes that I think are "fun" to read and write, and that would definitely include a lot of non-sexual scenes as well as some sexual ones. I hope that these "fun" scenes (sexual or not) do add something to the story in terms of characterization and development, but I also don't mind if they have a healthy degree of simple, good ol' entertainment value. By and large I'm not really a plot driven author; I'm a character driven author. For me the plot is primarily there to facilitate the development of my characters. I generally tend to think of my stories not so much as being about a series of events so much as being about particular character and/or as a way to explore a particular idea or theme. As such, my main concern is "does this scene help expand on the character, feeling, idea, or tone that I'm trying to convey?" I think a lot of authors write because they feel they have a "story" inside of them that they need to get it, I tend to write because I have an idea I want to express or perhaps a character I want to create and shape. I also admit, that to me writing is very very much about feeling and experience. I write to convey that emotion or idea. I want my readers to think and feel a certain way. I love taking my readers on a journey through happiness, sadness, hilarity, shock, revulsion, excitement, and yes, often through lust and arousal as well. I'll generally start more with my emotional or intellectual objective in mind and then think about how I can shape a plot or scene that will evoke those feelings or ideas. Maybe I want my readers to get a strong sense that these two characters deeply love each other (or perhaps deeply hate each other). Maybe I want my readers to evaluate their position on a certain topic or to question their attitudes and values about something. That tends to be how I think of my stories; the plot is just there to accomplish these other goals. Anyway, my feelings as a reader is very similar to my feelings as a writer. I read to analyze characters, ponders new ideas, take an emotional ride, or evaluate my thoughts and feelings about something. I liked the scene between Eric and Jansen, and I thought that it did convey a lot about them as characters and it was also very enjoyable to read. As such, as a reader, I was completely satisfied with it. Just my thoughts Kevin

That's awesome! Fantastic pics!

Well personally I completely and totally agree with you! I think the term is very offensive. I think the attitude that tends to go with it is pretty offensive too. Certainly it's fine to prefer a particular type of guy, but I think it's better to describe what you want instead of throwing around vague, insulting terms. For example I have seen listings that said something to the effect of, "I'm looking for a guy I can chill with, have a few beers, watch the game, and see what happens from there." I don't find that offensive in the least. I also think it's generally better because it lets the other person know right away what sorts of things they can expect. "Straight acting?" Does that mean we're going to go cruising for girls before we hook up? Anyway, apart from all that, I'm just not interested in straight guys or these "straight acting" guys. Honestly I think I'd get really frustrated and annoyed with a "straight acting" boyfriend. I'd certainly be annoyed if he were closeted and always trying to prove his masculinity. Even if he's more chill about it the type of guys I like aren't overly "masculine" in the traditional way. I don't generally like facial or body hair. I prefer a guy with a smaller build. I also strongly value open, honest communication and expression of feelings and thoughts. I also generally appreciate a guy who "takes care of himself." All in all, I want a gay guy. Of course that's just my preference and I'm fine with people having other preferences, but I completely agree that throwing out terms like "straight acting" is really offensive. I think there's a really big cultural/generational thing here. Actually, I would have expected JJ's age group to be more ambivalent about the expression. It's barely acceptable for some people in my general age bracket to say it, so I would think that it's mildly more acceptable for people a few years younger. Regardless, I think that most people who are any older than me are going to have a very different reaction than people your age. I've thought about it a great deal because I'm generally extremely fascinated by culture and society and how various groups express themselves. I don't think it is offensive for you to say it. I don't even think it's necessarily offensive for a straight person your age to say it. I do think think it's offensive for a straight 40 year old to say it. That's because it means something very different in your culture versus his/hers. By the same token, I think - depending on how it's done - that it's okay for gay people to use what would generally be considered gay offensive language with each other. A simple example is that I can easily get away with laughing and calling one of my friends a "queen" or a "flamer" or even a "F**" because I'm gay and because there's the obvious understanding that I'm joking, that I like the person, and that I don't have negative feelings toward gays in general. By "gay" here I do mean "culturally gay" versus simply "homosexual." For example I think it's okay for a "fag hag" or other straight ally to do the same thing. Again this is because the person has explicitly stood up for gay rights in the past, is saying it jokingly to someone they like, and is obviously not harboring negative feelings towards gays. I think that in that way straight allies can be "culturally gay" to some extent and certainly to the extent that they should be able to say and do things that "gay negative" or even "gay neutral" people can't and shouldn't. By the same token, I think that it isn't necessarily okay for a "homosexual" but non "culturally gay" person to say and do those same things. This person might be a big closet case who looks down his nose at gays and has tons of homophobic feelings and negative attitudes toward gays and gay culture. If that sort of homosexual person used a gay expletive then I'd be pissed, even if they did try to play it off. Simply put if I were aware of their negative feelings and outlook on gays, then regardless of their own sexuality I don't think they have the right to joke about it or try to make light of the situation. Obviously they can say whatever they like since it's a free country, but I would find it offensive, would not want to associate with them further, and would probably express my disapproval. Also, let me be clarify that I don't think simply being in the closet makes someone homophobic and negative toward gays. Certainly there are some out homosexuals who still have negative feelings toward gays and would similarly incur my wrath. I guess all I'm really saying is that before someone jokes about it, I think it's important that they "own it" and belong to the group and do something for it. Their actual sexuality is irrelevant; it's their feelings, attitudes, and motivation.

Oh poor thing That still sounds so rough! I'm so glad he's able to keep his spirits up! I'm not sure if you know, but what's the general long-term prognosis? Any estimate on when he'll be able to leave the hospital and how much/how long he'll need in physical therapy? I guess it might be too soon to know those sorts of things, but that's always what I'm most curious about in times like this. Take care, Steve, and keep your spirits high! -Kevin

When you're good at something there's no reason not to keep doing it

Welcome to the forum, Kavika! It's awesome to have ya here! I can't wait to interact with you more around the forums. BTW, if you want to quote and respond to multiple people in the same post you can always click the "quote" button below each person's post (it'll turn red), and then click "Add Reply" (not "Fast Reply") at the bottom of the screen. All your quotes will be waiting for you in the response screen All the best, Kevin

Or maybe he couldn't see it from where he was! Cool pic, Eric! -Kevin