MikeL

Paya, would you be so kind as to post the picture again. I've gotten lost somewhere. Thanks.

A blond guy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blond guy says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

I particularly identify with the first picture, Sly...the knife resting at the corner of the sink in anticipation of further use.

A blond guy is in the bathroom, and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

The bags of Haribo sugar free gummi bears sold in the US have the warning. Some people never read the small print. Here is an actual customer review from Amazon: Do not bring to sporting events! January 18, 2014 The place: BMO Harris Bradley Center The event: Bucks VS Spurs The snack: Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears made by Haribo I recently took my 4 year old son to his first NBA game. He was very excited to go to the game, and I was excited because we had fantastic seats. Row C center court to be exact. I've never sat that close before. I've never had to go DOWN stairs to get to my seats. 24 stairs to get to my seats to be exact. His favorite candy is Skittles. Mine are anything gummy. I snuck in a bag of skittles for my son, and grabbed a handful of gummy bears for myself, to be later known as Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears, that I received for Christmas in bulk from my parents, and put them in a zip lock bag. After the excitement of the 1st quarter has ended I take my son out to get him a bottled water and myself a beer. We return to our seats to enjoy our candy and drinks. ..............fast forward until 1 minute before half time........... I have begun to sweat a sweat that is only meant for a man on mile 19 of a marathon. I have kicked out my legs out so straight that I am violently pushing the gentleman wearing a suit seat in front of me forward. He is not happy, I do not care. My hands are on the side of my seat not unlike that of a gymnast on a pommel horse, lifting me off my chair. My son is oblivious to what is happening next to him, after all, there is a mascot running around somewhere and he is eating candy. I realize that at some point in the very near to immediate future I am going to have to allow this lava from Satan to forcefully expel itself from my innards. I also realize that I have to walk up 24 stairs just to get to level ground in hopes to make it to the bathroom. I’ll just have to sit here stiff as a board for a few moments waiting for the pain to subside. About 30 seconds later there is a slight calm in the storm of the violent hurricane that is going on in my lower intestine. I muster the courage to gently relax every muscle in my lower half and stand up. My son stands up next to me and we start to ascend up the stairs. I take a very careful and calculated step up the first stair. Then a very loud horn sounds. Halftime. Great. It’s going to be crowded. The horn also seems to have awaken the Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears that are having a mosh pit in my stomach. It literally felt like an avalanche went down my stomach and I again have to tighten every muscle and stand straight up and focus all my energy on my poor sphincter to tighten up and perform like it has never performed before. Taking another step would be the worst idea possible, the flood gates would open. Don’t worry, Daddy has a plan. I some how mumble the question, “want to play a game?” to my son, he of course says “yes”. My idea is to hop on both feet allllll the way up the stairs, using the center railing to propel me up each stair. My son is always up for a good hopping game, so he complies and joins in on the “fun”. Some old lady 4 steps up thinks its cute that we are doing this, obviously she wasn’t looking at the panic on my face. 3 rows behind her a man about the same age as me, who must have had similar situations, notices the fear/panic/desperation on my face understands the danger that I along with my pants and anyone within a 5 yard radius spray zone are in. He just mouths the words “good luck man” to me and I press on. Half way up and there is no leakage, but my legs are getting tired and my sphincter has never endured this amount of pressure for this long of time. 16 steps/hops later…….4 steps to go…….My son trips and falls on the stairs, I have two options: keep going knowing he will catch up or bend down to pick him up relieving my sphincter of all the pressure and commotion while ruining the day of roughly the 50 people that are now watching a grown man hop up stairs while sweating profusely next to a 4 year old boy. Luckily he gets right back up and we make it to the top of the stairs. Good, the hard part was over. Or so I thought. I managed to waddle like a penguin, or someone who is about to poop their pants in 2.5 seconds, to the men's room only to find that every stall is being used. EVERY STALL. It's halftime, of course everyone has to poop at that moment. I don't know if I can wait any longer, do I go ahead and fulfil the dream of every high school boy and poop in the urinal? What kind of an example would that set for my son? On the other hand, what kind of an example would it be for his father to fill his pants with a substance that probably will be unrecognizable to man. Suddenly a stall door opens, and I think I manage to actually levitate over to the stall. I my son follows me in, luckily it was the handicap stall so there was room for him to be out of the way. I get my pants off and start to sit. I know what taking a giant poo feels like. I also know what vomiting feels like. I can now successfully say that I know what it is like to vomit out my butt. I wasn't pooping, those Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears did something to my insides that made my sphincter vomit our the madness. I am now conscious of my surroundings. Other than the war that the bottom half of my body is currently having with this porcelain chair, it is quiet as a pin drop in the bathroom. The other men in there can sense that something isn't right, no one has heard anyone ever poop vomit before. I can sense that the worst part is over. But its not stopping, nor can I physically stop it at this point, I am leaking..it's horrible. I call out "does anyone have a diaper?" hoping that some gentleman was changing a baby. Nothing. No one said a word. I know people are in there, I can see the toes of shoes pointed in my direction under the stall.. "DOES ANYONE HAVE A DIAPER!?!" I am screaming, my son is now crying, he thinks he is witnessing the death of his father. I can't even assure him that I will make it. Not a word was said, but a diaper was thrown over the stall. I catch it, line my underwear with it, put my pants back on, and walk out of that bathroom like a champ. We go straight to our seats, grab out coats and go home. As we are walking out, the gentleman that wished me good luck earlier simply put his fist out, and I happily bumped it. My son asks me, "Daddy, why are we leaving early?" "Well son, I need to change my diaper"

A woman phoned the blond neighbor guy and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blond guy replied: "Well the joke's on all of you, because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

The third season of Sherlock begins this Sunday on PBS. Sherlock is a huge hit in Britain — Season 3 drew more viewers there than Downton Abbey did.

It had to happen. Blond-guy jokes! Two blond guys find three grenades and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

The tribal wars in Central Africa are tragic. You can't blame soldiers for wanting to relax and have a few laughs. Even the chimpanzees like to have a little fun. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=GhxqIITtTtU

Here's another responsive dog...Louie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=jL8A9aDBZII Bob Williams and Louie The Dog perform a funny and entertaining routine during the Hollywood Palace Christmas Show in 1965. In case you’re wondering, Louie isn’t sedated, he’s just a one of a kind dog with a wonderful dog trainer.

So...Comcast is a modern day Robin Hood. I guess it's good to know all that ill gotten gain benefits someone.

If Comcast is responsible, I would curb my excitement. I understand Philadelphians pride in their city's emerging skyline. But remember, these towers are being built with the billions of hard-earned dollars Comcast has bilked from millions of customers nationwide.

Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag An actual product offering from Amazon. Note the warning printed on the bag (above). Now read the first listed customer review (below). Most Helpful Customer Reviews 24,610 of 24,963 people found the following review helpful Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate. Amazon Verified Purchase Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN! First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper. BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me. Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors. But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible. AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS. I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005. I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands. Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying. Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump. If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks. The above reviewer awarded the product one star. Another reviewer gave it five stars with the following comment. I bought one order for the Westboro Baptist Church as a donation because we all know how much God hates irregularity. Had enough? If not, and if you've stopped gasping, you will want to read the other reviews at this link.

Here are pictures of Atlantis which I saved on 10/22/2009.

The IOC is one of the most political of organizations. They bend over backwards in some cases to be politically correct and miss the point entirely in others.

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!' See...not all seniors are senile.

Employee of the Month We have a Winner! This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff! Remember, laptop spelled backwards is potpal.

The Tenne-C programming language by Andrew B. Peed, AT&T Bell Laboratories For all those unfamiliar with Tenne-C, the comment delimiter is WHISPER. The computer stores all WHISPERed comments in memory, but the instruction execution unit can never quite decode them, so they are ignored. Some beta site users have reported an occasional problem with IBM clone machines. These machines may get slightly confused or mildly paranoid due to the WHISPERed remarks in the background, but the effects are usually limited to an occasional utterance printed on the display. Note that the optional extended obscenity instruction set should not be installed in clone machines. Should such a machine crash, you could be arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

The Arrogance of Authority A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear ... do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE... !"

Pet Peeves from the dog's perspective: 1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all. 2. Yelling at me for barking ... I AM A DOG!! 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it. 5. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet? 6. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet. 7. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. 8. Dog sweaters ... Hello ... have you noticed the fur? 9. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 10. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me? 11. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back. 12. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

LOL, James. "Journalists" make the most mistakes in grammar...or, at least, the most obvious.

Turmeric is great! It provides general support for the immune system. I've been taking it for years, along with Beta glucan in my fight against cancer. My urologist recommended Beta glucan to me 15+ years ago and it worked so well I started looking for other immune system boosters. A friend here at GA suggested I look at Turmeric and I was impressed. Long story short, my urologist now takes Turmeric. See article on use of Turmeric in treating prostate cancer. Best wishes to you and Paya, West.

Louie The Dog Bob Williams and Louie The Dog perform a funny and entertaining routine during the Hollywood Palace Christmas Show in 1965. This is a classic variety act that I think dog lovers and anyone else that enjoys great entertainment will enjoy watching. In case you’re wondering, Louie isn’t sedated, he’s just a one of a kind dog with a wonderful dog trainer. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=jL8A9aDBZII