MikeL

10th place 2013 woman driver award goes to:

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Law? Yep. Chicago? Warm. Make that a small bet.

When John Travolta called Idina Menzel "Adele Dazeem" at the Oscars, he created a new standard for superstardom: You're no one until you've had your name mangled by a confused, squinting John Travolta. What's your Travoltified name? Find out with Slate's Adele Dazeem Name Generator. <--------- MikeL "Travoltafied" is..."Maxwell".

The Ventriloquist A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

Does Cammie agree? You would be awfully cold without him.

Nope...none of those, Mathieu.

Nope...none of those, Zombie.

Who is this?

Here's how Canadian cops adapt to snowy conditions.

Looks like Old Hickory to me.

Happy Mardi Gras!

Gun Control? It has already started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer.

Almost certainly the most expensive restaurant in Philly. Most of the price of a meal will go to pay the rent.

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'' A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

The cavemen lead a rather Spartan existence. Their art imitated their lives. Hunting and sex were all they had. Today we have computers.

SNOW! We finally have snow on the ground...about ¼" on top of ¼" of ice. Yay!

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. "Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!" The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!" Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!" The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 10,000 feet. As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls!"

Joe wants to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.... Suddenly the father shouted.... 'I'll do the fucking dishes!

Italian Funeral Pasquale died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Angelina turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Ah well, Pasquale would be pleased," she said. "You're right," replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "So go on, how much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Angelina. "Forty thousand." "Aw No!" Maria exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!" Angelina answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Maria computed quickly. "Mama Mia !!! For the love of God Angelina, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"

Texting An older Florida couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for. She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. That's when she beat the shit out of me. Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

Who wants an adorable Cubicle Kitty? They'll fetch your paper, keep you on track and maybe schedule in some cuddle time, too.