MikeL

Is it just me or is anyone else thinking we may have seen Peyton Manning play for the last time?

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. "Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!" The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!" Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!" The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 10,000 feet. As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls!"

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful. But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful. So then...you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved. On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids. NOW THAT'S STRESS!

My preschool age grandsons will be experts on this subject before they ever hit kindergarten. Just this week, they introduced me to the latest educational toy: Despicable Me 2 Fart Blaster: A Despicable Minion Gadget

Air Show Disaster: Amazing photos show great detail. The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings. Probably scared the shit out of them.

1. Park your car in the garage. 2. Stay home.

A letter to the Men's Helpline: Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Who needs a watchdog when you have an attack cat? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=wKHrBW3keNE

Are Russian drivers the world's worst? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=5RAaW_1FzYg

That was Jean Stapleton.

Andy comes up dry again. Andy comes up dry again.

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home. My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because (as he put it) it was 'just the cutest thing!' Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

Are you actually Justin Bieber?

Would you agree that Andy has a dry sense of humor?

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2.. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

She does look like "Little Q" but older. Andy (Andrew Q. Gordon) needs to post more pictures so we can compare.

A blond guy is in jail. A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

That happens.

A blond guy's dog is missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.

Bieber appears at bond hearing in corrections orange. http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/justin-bieber-deported/story?id=21638935

There is some talk...perhaps unfounded rumor...that the US may revoke his visa, sending him back to Canada.

A blond guy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A blond guy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.