MikeL

Arab, AL

A Trip to Wal-Mart A few days ago a friend of mine sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me. Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes. While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?" "No" I replied. "Then why are you wearing that cap?" "Because I couldn't find my cap from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort. "The War of 1812 huh." the Walmartian queried, "When was that?" God forgive me but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity, "1936." He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?" "It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too fun. "Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?" I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission." "Dude!", he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?" "Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly. "Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything." "Oh yeah." he gave me the ‘don't threaten me’ look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?" With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?" The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her. After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot. What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap.

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well cared for. He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner, and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note on his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner is of this wonderful, sweet dog and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived for his nap with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?"

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot." We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

You are misreading the clue, Paya. Humph! You are a bit closer than Paya.

May I offer a clue in the spirit of Jets and Sharks?

Good King Wenceslas?

Paya is right. It is Leonard Bernstein. Jets? LOL. Sharks? LOL.

Generous? All I said was "yes". What's musical about a photo of mothballed airplanes?

Yes.

Here's the next challenge:

Mark Twain is very recognizable in his pictures; I knew instantly who it was. I recommend his great novels The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. The latter is quite controversial today due to its frequent use of the "n word". Actor Hal Holbrook has performed in a one-man show, Mark Twain Tonight! since 1954. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=PNql_eRsWJo

Mark Twain?

I have returned the epilogue to C J with my comments. I think everyone will be pleased with the final installment.

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "Well, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus... Hallelujah!" The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it ...circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

It was some years ago that I was barred from donating blood at the Red Cross because I was being actively treated for cancer. Prior to that, I had donated over three gallons of whole blood and had donated platelets several times. I was under the impression that the local Red Cross blood bank tested all donors for HIV among other diseases while I was still donating. I certainly had to sign a consent form permitting that and permitting them to notify me of any adverse results of the testing. Anyone else have a similar experience?

Yes, a Czech sailor?

Red Neck, AR

Marriage A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend.There was a guy on the dance floor making all the moves…breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband replies, "Looks like he's still celebrating!”

Hardscrabble, TN

I didn't see the name...before or after you fixed it. Had I seen it I would not be in such desperate need of a clue.

Is he German?