Demetz

When he asked... it was definitely a shock to me at first, but I could tell the conversation was headed in that direction, so I had some time to prepare myself... actually, I've had a lot of time to prepare myself to have this kind of conversation with my dad. I wouldn't have been able to talk to him like this and definitely not about this a month and a half ago. I owe a lot to GA, the people here, and especially Silven for this. Thanks Guys! Also, just added a little bit more to the entry, in case you didn't catch it.

So a couple days ago I was talking to my dad and the conversation led to him asking me if I'd ever been molested or raped. I froze for a second and looked down, my head in my hand. There's no saying "no" after that happens. So after a second I looked up at him, then away, closed my eyes and nodded. I have to give my dad a lot of credit for how he handled the rest of that conversation. I suppose I should have known he would not freak out. There were questions, of course, as there had to be. Who did it, when... I told him what I knew, what time references I could remember. He asked if there were others, "adults?" and mentioned a couple. I told him there were no others as far as I know, remembering the words and relating them to him "There are only two ways to answer when asked if you were you molested/raped as a child: 'yes' and 'I don't know'" He said he wished I had said something earlier. In a way, I wish I had too. I denied myself his support, the support of anyone until just over a month and a half ago. I was just about to type "I don't know yet rather I regret that aspect of the decision though, I still think I did the right thing by protecting my family" but that's not true. I do regret the decision to keep it inside because resulted in my being less a part of the very family I was trying to protect. I said there were other boys, around my age, that what happened with them was just innocent exploration. He asked if I was sure that it wasn't innocent with that first boy, given that he was young too. Now, some explanation of that question, his time referencing was a bit 'off' too. When I told him who it was he knew who I was talking about, but it was at least fifteen years ago, and he was in the Navy and gone a lot, so he would have only seen the kid a couple times. He said the kid had been baby-sat by mom a couple years... I had only remembered a couple times which up until he said that I assumed had gone over the course of a month, though I'm starting to remember more, even as I'm writing this the memories are surfacing up from around thos events... one of sitting on the floor and being told the boy was coming back and not being too happy about it, what happened hadn't happened at that time, but I distinctly remember thinking the guy was a jerk for being mean to me and wishing he wasn't coming back. You see it wasn't a year-round thing, it was over the summer.... remembering more now, parents talking about him and his sister coming for the summer... Anyway, I think Dad had a mental image of the boy from when he was younger than when what happened to me happened. But as I related to him what I had for time referencing, knowing I would have had to have been five or four... pretty sure now that I was only four since I don't remember the boy who later became my best friend having moved in at that time... So yeah... it happened before I had even been enrolled in kindergarden, and I remember on the way to being enrolled, mom said that he'd already graduated from the school I'd be going to. That puts him in middle school when he did what he did. Elementary school lasted through 6th grade at the time... that places him at around twelve or thirteen when it happened. Someone at that age does not innocently have sex with a four year old, something we (dad and I) both agreed on. He [the boy] took full advantage of the fact that I was too young to understand, full advantage of the fact that at that age a little kid would do just about anything to make a big kid pleased with him. Not so sure about this next one, but I'm pretty sure he also took full advantage of the fact that I knew he could beat the crap out of me if he wanted to. He wasn't violent that I recall... in fact, when it happened I remember thinking something to the effect of "wow, he's being nice to me, I think I like him after all..." ... I could not have more badly mistaken what was going on. And of course Dad asked if maybe it was this event that happened then that made me attracted to guys now. While I can't say for certain what the answer is, I did tell him my thoughts on that, about how I'm fairly sure its what's actually held me back from accepting that I'm attracted to guys. We talked some more about my attraction to other guys... he doesn't "understand" it per se, doesn't see what could be at all attractive about it. I guess that's a good thing considering if he could understand in terms of being able to relate to it that probably would cause problems with his relationship with my mom. He suggests that I go out and have sex with women to be sure >_< I love Silven though, and to have sex with some woman just to find out what it feels like... I don't think I really care for the idea. On one hand I'm kind of curious, but I'm completely devoted to Silven. He's the one I want and even if it were just "meaningless" sex to find out what it feels like, I would feel wrong because Silven is the one I want. I couldn't explain that to him... not ready to tell him about Silven yet, not until Silven has moved to Florida and we've known each other in person for a while. Dad wasn't the only one with questions once we got to this part of the conversation. It was hard to preface things with hypotheticals, but I did. I asked "if I turn out to be with a guy, will that be a problem for you?" His answer remained "I'd rather see you with a woman, but its your decision, we're not going to throw you out or anything" he took it one step further and answered a question I had before I'd even asked it "and YES you can bring him over for Christmas!" I love my Dad. Edit, need to add some more here: I did a lot of cutting my family out of my life when I was growing up. Talking to my dad like I have over the last couple weeks... I know I wasn't much of a son while I was growing up and I can't go back and be his son as a child, in effect, I took my childhood from more than myself, I took it from him too. After this talk... I'm going to try to make things right between him and me. I can't be his son as a kid again, but I can be his son as an adult. So... I'm going to have more talks with him about me, let him get to know me better as an adult... can't possibly say everything that needs to be said in one talk, but I will be talking to him more.

Happy Birthday Robbee!!!

Great Story CJames! So far, the best payback on Sylvia I can think of has already been mentioned - make her think that little prank of hers nabbed you her little bro! Hehehe... you'll have to talk it out with him first, but something tells me he'll be game for it. Have Fun! Who knows... maybe payback will result in you actually getting him... hehehe... good luck James!

I spent a lot of my life hiding from myself, in more ways than one. Psychologists say that the mind and body each develop certain defense mechanisms to make it through the stresses in our lives. As with all things with me, this is rather complicated. It seems as though the defense mechanisms I developed were in place for so long that I fear now they have grown to become and are more a part of me than what they were defending. I don't understand the how and why of it, my only explanation is that they were in place so long that "real" me ended up shoved so far deep inside that there are now several aspects of me, each with a different take on a given situation, arguing with each other over what is right, what is the right thing to do, what I've felt, rather or not I should have felt it, and even rather I had any right to feel it. None of them are distinct entities, I'm not cracking up into multiple personalities, but one thing is certain - I'm not nearly in as good emotional shape as I thought I was. There's part of me that wants to jump in, embrace the good fortune that I have found over the course of the past month, but there's also the part that says "hold on there, Demetz, you're setting yourself up to get hurt, and this is what you need to do to stop that from happening..." I've listened to that part of me for so long, and while its often kept me from getting hurt, its also kept me from being happy.... Don't get let yourself get emotionally involved, don't let yourself get attached, that's how you keep yourself from getting hurt.... You're getting too close, back away; push them away if you have to, that's what will be best for them and for you because if you get too close they'll be hurt too, so back away. These thoughts have gone through my head in every romantic relationship I've had, and every relationship I've even thought of having. But while it kept me from getting hurt in one way, I've ended up hurting myself in the long run, much more than any one break up could have lead to. I wouldn't let myself close enough to someone to chance feeling sad in or about the relationship - this had the side effect of me not getting close enough to really be happy in one either. That's something I'm trying to change. There is another part of me too, different from the defensive part, different from the part of me that longs for happiness. A part that sometimes wants to just cry. More than any of the others... that is the part of me I know the least about, and hate the most in myself. The thing about feeling is, as should be self-evident, you just do it. Letting myself feel again... Its different. The stoic will is something I kept up, not even knowing why, really, for so long. Having a reason why is different. But I find in having a reason to want life... I don't want to carry over the stoic mentality to it. Its not an unwanted burden to struggle through... its life, and what problems come with it I want to meet head on instead of pretending they don't exist. The emotional mess I effectively hid from myself, and probably still am to a certain extent... was dealt with on a daily basis in several ways, which over the years became so familiar that they became... normal. A constant feeling of stoically carrying on in spite of all the crap is one of those defense mechanisms. Its one I want to get rid of. The problems and the joys that are in my life and coming into my life, I want to embrace them, not categorize them as I have so much else - as just more burdens to wade through. There is a lot of happiness from my relationship with Silven, but there is also a lot of stress. Much of it comes from me, worrying about the future... something I haven't ever done much of before because I never really expected to have much of a future. No... no, thats wrong. I expected to have a future, I just didn't care because I expected it to be much the same as the past. My future now is something I never expected, both in terms of what's possible to be in it, and the fact that I really do care, really have an emotional investment in it. I worry a lot about that future. Much of my worry stems from my fears about our child and the possibility that Heidi will attempt to keep it from us. I want to raise this baby with Silven. It is sooner than I expected it to happen, but I do want this child... our child. I know it would be difficult, figuring out how to raise the child here, but I love Silven, and raising a baby with him isn't something I fear, but something I cherish the thought of. What I do fear, however, is what will happen if we, or he, does not get custody. If Heidi insists on keeping the baby for herself, and then the courts side with her and she ends up keeping the baby that way... I'm afraid for the baby, how it will be raised, torn between its mother and two fathers. I'm also afraid for me and Silven. I don't want Silven to have to choose between living with me or living with his baby, but with me going to USF for the next two years and Heidi being in PA, if she gets the baby, that's where it would be, and that's where I think Silven should be, too. If it came down to it... I would rather he choose to live with the baby than with me. I would still do whatever I could to be in his life, and whatever I could to be a positive influence on the baby... I would move there when I finished my degree... but the two year gap during that time, and all that could happen up there, or down here... I fear we'd grow apart, and that when I did move up there I'd end up being a destructive force in all our lives. I don't know that it would happen like that... don't even know yet that it will happen at all, but I fear it. A good friend told me last night that I'm worrying too much, that I can't do anything about these problems right now and should just let myself be happy, dealing wth the problems when they actually come instead of trying to deal with problems now that may not even come up at all. At the time I told him that the problems would come up eventually, and I wanted to be emotionally prepared for them when they did, that to do that I had to go through this. He's right, though. Its a cross that bridge when you get there situation... Its just hard, when you can see the bridge coming and don't know what's on the other side. All I can do, for now, is hope that she decides to give us the child no matter how much I fear she won't and what will happen if she doesn't... I have to push that fear aside and grab on to the hope. The fear will still be there, but I will do my best not to dwell in it. Neither will I let myself fall back into the stoic's mentality. I won't let myself treat this new relationship... this new life, like I treated the old one. I will let myself feel, the good and the bad, and I will live this life without shoving it all away. That's enough introspection for one entry... thanks for reading, friends... I'm sorry this is as disorganized as it is, and hope it wasn't too hard to follow.

Lets see... from books... In the old days it was Tobias from the Animorphs... cute and sweet and stronger than he realized all wrapped up in a ... hawk? But thats okay 'cause good old KA wasn't mean enough to leave him that way, even if she was especially cruel to him over the years. Later it was Senna, the Witch... crazy crazy ******, but easily the most interesting character from Everworld (was still hooked on KA at the time) A couple years ago it was Artemis Entreri from the Drizzt stories, and finally Servant of the Shard... that guy was so awesome the author had me thinking he was the protagonist of the Drizzt series and the Do Urden crew were all just a back drop lead in for him. Now there's character development of the antagonist for you... A couple months ago it was Brian from the first Do Over, now its a toss up between Dylan from Dawn of Tears (good god does he kick ass!) and the two familiars who carried over into Service (creepy story, that... but my favorite character's list is obviously not limited to the characters who are necessarily "good") TV Series wise... I liked Byrd from Huff's first season, although this season's been pretty stupid. Movies... John Travolta is AWESOME as the evil guy in Swordfish.... really need to go find that movie.... lots of favorite characters from movies so I'll just leave it off there.

Hey! I was wondering when we'd here from you again... Just woke up in a hotel myself... Yesterday I woke up in Kansas City, Missouri and left at ~8:30 am; today I'm arrived in Macon, Georgia at about 2:07 am... so it was about 15 hours worth of driving yesterday (had to stop a couple times for gas/food/etc), another seven and a half ahead of me today and I'll be home again.

Thanks guys and girl! Glad you liked the pic, it was bigger and probably clearer but I had to resize it smaller to fit. Good to hear from you, Buttershots... I don't think I've seen you around much, but I do think I recall seeing your name on the active user list a couple times. Glad to hear you like the blog and I'm sorry i haven't been updating it as much as I should be.

As always seems to happen with me, when I get to feeling bad I can feel good again by sleeping it off. In other news... pics of me seem to have come into popular demand, so here's a good one... of me sliding off the face of the planet. Enjoy!

Hey... You do have a Friendly Face! Cheers to you from the Kansas city Quality Inn!

Thank you DK, and Snowy. What happened to me when I was young... I've lived with it for so long. I'll go on living with it, without my parents knowing it happened. They don't suspect it happened, its not a secret in any danger of their discovering. They have started to figure out that I'm not straight. My dad even came out and asked me if I was playing at being gay, just before we headed to Branson. I told him I'm bi, I'm not sure if he believes me or not, but hopefully that I told him that much will satisfy him regarding why I've been secretive. If he thinks I'm going through a phase or something and is willing to back off for a while, that's good enough for me. I just need to stick it out until the new semester starts, then I'll be out of the house and their daily lives and able to live mine without their constant scrutiny. In two years I'll have graduated college and at that point I can tell them everything, about me, about Silven... by that time they will either have to accept me and him, or if they don't, I won't be in danger of losing money for college. They can love me and be a part, if a distant part (as I intend to move well away regardless of how they respond) of my life, or not do either. It will be their choice then. I'm not going to take the chance of telling them about him now, and them forcing me into a position where I have to give him up. Losing Silven because of them would very possibly make me hate them, and I don't want that. I'll take the chance that loving Silven will make them reject me, but I see no reason to make it possible for me to lose Silven to them, and then lose them to my own bitterness over it.

This entry gets rather personal and it covers less than cheery subject matter. I wrote this last night, feeling as miserable as could be... I am losing my god damned head tonight. It didn

The laws themselves will change from country to country, and within the US, from state to state. For example, in Virginia, sex between anyone over the age of 18 with anyone below the age of 18 is considered to be statutory rape. But in another state the age of consent might be at 16 with a three year buffer. In VA the size of the age difference will affect the penalty, but the older person still gets put on a sex offenders list (a lifetime stigma) even if there was really only two days difference in age between the two persons. Another state might have a completely different approach. The US gets especially complicated because it becomes a federal crime if one of the two persons involved crosses state lines, which means you could not leave VA and go to California to have sex with someone who would be of age there but not in VA, or you would face charges at the federal level. It is a ridiculous mess. These Canadian laws actually approximate what I would consider to be the best idea, though I think they should add in an additional stipulation that persons 18+ can not have sex with persons < 16. An 18 year old and a thirteen year old is almost guaranteed to involve that 13 year old being betrayed.

Yesterday I realized again just how much I love Silven. Just the thought that it might not be until December that I see him had me upset... I suppose in a way its a good thing that I'd get upset at the idea of not seeing him sooner... Anyway... I was pretty annoyed with myself last night, I got home too late to talk to him, he'd already gone to work. And now this morning my Internet connection was cut off, so I couldn't get on until seven... I guess he's asleep now... hopefully sleeping peacefully and not worried about me. Last night was pretty hard... I thought it was just extra energy from what I ate, but it wasn't that. I missed Silven and even though I couldn't have really done anything different I was still annoyed at myself for not getting home in time. I tried working out... tired out my muscles but not my mind. Within fifteen minutes of returning to livechat I was at it again.... ended up installing and playing (read: doing a lot of losing) chessmasters... Well, I woke up this morning, found my internet connection broken, couldn't fix it becuase the router's in my dad's office, which is in his room and waking him up to get on the internet is not something he'd take too well. Went for a quick run, got back to find him awake and reset the router... but Silven's not on... Think I'll go eat breakfast now...

Happy Birthday Snowy!!!

I had a very encouraging conversation with my Dad this morning... glad I got to sleep early enough last night to see him before he left. We started out talking about politics... both of us are very disappointed in the available candidates. He mentioned McCain... I said I felt betrayed by his recent pandering to the religious right, that I thought it was a big mistake on his part since those are precsisely the people who hate him and the people who liked him are the kind who don't care much for the political end of the religious arena, basically describing myself here. We talked about that for a few minutes before I mentioned that McCain wasn't the only supposedly socially liberal Republican I felt had been betraying himself, that Arnold Scwarzenegger who once struck me as precisely the kind of socially liberal republican that was desperately needed in the party had thrown aside those principles, vetoing a bill legalizing gay marriage. I talk with my dad about politics a lot, this type of conversation was very normal for us. What we talked about next though has me feeling much better about my future relationship with him. Basically, we both agree that the state has no right to dictate who marries whom among consenting adults, that no state ought have the right to abrogate a marriage merely because the couple have crossed into their borders... he said he would raise a huge fit if someone tried to tell him he were no longer married to my mom just because he had crossed a state line.... He said he though it wasn't "right" in the natural sense, since their inability to reproduce by normal means would mean that they would die out, but I pointed out that Gays have been around since at least as early as the ancient Greeks, and he followed that up with an example of his own where something that shouldn't (in terms of natural selection) be a part of the gene pool was still around. I said that I could accept an opinion that it is outside the normal natural order of things, given that the sex drive is normally a matter of producing children, but that in terms of contributing to the continuation of the species, there's always adoption. He agreed. I love my dad. He's worked hard all his life to provide me with a good life that he never had, because of this he was away for much of my early childhood, and later when he retired from the Navy he was often busy even at home, studying this or that Computer programming book... We don't talk much about ourselves, but we love to talk about things... history, politics, religion.... I am so lucky to have my father. I'm not ready to "come out" to him yet, it will be a few years before I can do that. I want to get myself established in my relationship with Silven, and financially fully independent first, no longer because I fear my dad might cut me off, but because I want, when he first learns of what I am, for him to see me somewhere where he can be proud of me for it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In other news, I wrote another poem. Silven, my love, this is for you. Love Found

The first Thoughts as I wake up My last as I go to sleep The subject of my dreams The star of my fantasies If Ever before There was any doubt I am in love now This, I want to shout I wrote this within a few minutes of waking up this morning. Today will be a good day.

Thanks, Kevin, glad you liked it

Last night at around midnight my mom knocked on my door and asked me to go to church with her, saying I should get some sleep so I could wake up early enough if I wanted to go. I am not a very religious person, and there are things about Christianity that will probably keep me from ever becoming a devout Christian, and while I really would rather not have gone, she didn't ask me as a matter of normal routine. My mom is not exactly the most religious person either; she goes to church when she needs it, and I know she feels uncomfortable going alone. So, I put aside my own lack of comfort with a church setting and today I went with her. I know what its like needing a spiritual outlet, and if my being there helps her, then I can stoically stick it out. That's what I tell myself anyway. In truth I don't really mind the bible study portion of church. I haven't really grown up in a strongly Christian house, and my knowledge of the Bible is sorely lacking. There are those who say that the Bible is simply fiction and not worth studying... rather it is fictitious or not I'm always up for an intellectual analysis of philosophy and the Bible is packed with it. Of course, my "its debatable" approach doesn't always go over well with those who believe it to be God's word in printed paper form. Its interesting how you can learn things from people's facial expressions. The Bible study session focused on honesty and being honest with other people about who we are, what sorts of problems we struggle with and so forth. It was general consensus that pride and an unwillingness to take the risk of exposing oneself, becoming vulnerable to other people when we could far more easily up a facade and live with that. I took the message of that seesion to be that we were supposed to be more open. Brother McDaniel, who led the session, then went on to talk about not making judgements on other people, about how part of why people fear becoming open is the judgments that get passed upon them. As an example he said "Hypothetically, what if I had come in here and told you all that I struggle with pornography? Would you look at me the same? Would you still have as much respect for me?" Looking around I could tell that for many people the answer was no to both. Looking back I can see that I was working on a different level than the ones he was trying to reach out to. Too bad I didn't realize that at the time. I said "I'd have a great deal more respect for you, and feel much more able to open up and talk to you if you could do that." Looking around... the others there did not agree with me. Looking at Brother Mc Daniel, I was pretty sure he was suprised at my response. He asked how many people look at porn, pausing for an answer, I said what I'm sure everyone thought, "everyone does, its universal." Looking at the other guys I could tell I was right, but they seemed much more guilty or embarrassed about it than me. A copule of girls looked embarrassed, several looked disgusted ... rather or not it was honest disgust I'm not sure. Later on he mentioned that he had bought some software to put on his computers to block internet pornography and things like that but still didn't feel sure about it with his kids. I said he's right, we find ways to get around just about any kind of blocking software there is, the obvious implication being that I've looked at porn, as if they hadn't figured it out already. All that talk about honesty and being open doesn't seem to work so well with people who have been taught to be ashamed of themselves first and seek help last. Rather or not that gets taught intentionally, it happens. Its like with parents who inadvertantly teach their kids to lie. "Did you steal the cookie" in a tone of voice that tells a child if they say yes they'll be in trouble has the double effect of telling them that if they say no they shouldn't be. Similarly, "This is the way you should act morally" has the effect of adding on "or else you are a bad person" even if that is not taught directly. Combined with the social pressures of "you don't want to be a bad person because bad people go to hell," or in the case of this church which seems less brimstone based "you don't want to be that way because it leaves you further from god" it has the added effect of "and then you won't be part of our group, but an exile with no place with us" As with the child and the cookie, it breeds dishonesty, but while the parent can very quickly identify the lie with the cookie thieving child, in our personal lives there is only ourselves, and we can safely build our walls and be dishonest, with others if not ourselves. So what's the problem? Why can't everyone keep their true selves a secret to the world and deal with each other as though every one were a saint? The answer is complex and for the purposes of putting my thoughts here its going to be pretty disorganized. There are a number of problems with a world of this form of dishonesty. Like it or not, we are all human. We all have our problems, our mistakes, and our tragedies. Everyone has a murky past. When we find ourselves in a position where we are expected to keep these things to ourselves, we internalize them in a way that is not healthy. When we live in a world where everyone is expected to believe and behave a certain way and we step outside of that set of approved behavior we isolate ourselves. We draw apart from the community and fall into ourselves, more and more, especially if we do not agree that the behaviors in question are morally wrong. We end up wrapped in ourselves, while still trying to keep up the facade of being up to the same standards we think everyone else is following. This is not healthy either for the community or the individuals. The walls get built up high and even if they are built exceedingly well, eventually they come crashing down upon their builders. The community in turn is forced to react as though shocked when it happens to someone, but in reality the collapse of one person's walls just weakens everyone else's and people end up in an internal panic. Some patch their's up quick with little difficulty, others scramble to patch irreparable damge, for some that damage is just enough to set off a long decline, for others the collapse of the first person's walls destroys their own. The mess it makes of a community is not good. The hell it puts people through is not good. There should be enough openess in a community that people can share their problems without having to fear other people's scorn. In terms of a church oriented community, people's first concerns should be getting help and helping others, not what judgments others will have against them. They should be able to let God handle judgment when that time comes and be able let it go at that. Unfortunately, it seems all too often morality is held not a principle of virtues to be striven toward if never fully reached, but as vice on people's hearts or bludgeon in the hands of the less scrupulous so-called moral crusaders. Enough of that though. I finished writing a story I've been working on. I'll probably take a day or two to tweak it here and there. I also made my first submission to the e-fiction archives. I wrote the poem a few years ago back when I was busy not paying attention in French class, hope you guys like it. http://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewsto...1cd480c90a84b1e

Happy Birthday Icedfire!

This is my first entry here (as though you couldn't tell). Basically I intend to use this space as somewhat of a journal, so I guess I'll start with what's happened since I woke up today. Had breakfast with the family today for the first time in a long time. That's when they sprung a surprise family BBQ party on me for today, which meant lots of cleaning up to do. I vaccumed out the pool and cleaned out the pool filter (I can't believe how quickly that thing gets clogged up!). The chlorine is still pretty high from a couple days ago, but other than wait there's really not much I can do about that. When I finished off the pool I started on my next project, not really relevant to the BBQ, but definitely something that needed to be done, I pulled out the ion air filters for our Air conditioning unit to clean them out. For those of you who don't know what that means, it involves removing two heavy, metal, cells ~ 2' x 3' and dipping them up and down over and over again in scalding hot water, using dish soap to get them clean. The insides of things are filled with flat sheets of metal and thin wires that get charged up and pull dust out of the air system when on, but for cleaning purposes they might as well be filled with row after row of razor blades so you have to really careful when carring them around. I've done it a couple times before, so no cuts for me this time around. About the time I finished cleaning and rinsing those, Mom came back from shopping... with all the wrong stuff. After about ten minutes of arguing we finally settled on going back out to get the stuff we needed. Our family... we argue about things that don't need to be argued about instead of explaining what it is that is really the problem. For example, bringing home the wrong things is easy enough to fix by going out and getting the right stuff. I did something pretty out of charcter for me, and actually told my dad what I was thinking about this. That got him to explain what really bothered him, he wanted this party to be like the ones he had when he was a kid which meant getting the same stuff he had as a kid, and had told her as much. When she brought home other things instead of going to a different store to get what he wanted he felt like she was just dismissing him. For her part, she didn't see what the big deal was. But after they talked a bit on the way to the store she figured it out and apologized. I can say this much for my family and my parents, we don't always communicate very well, but we don't stay angry for long. I'm very lucky to have them. In spite of all the arguments they've had over the years my father never once lifted a hand to my mom, and they're still together after more than twenty years of marriage... something of an anomaly both to the country and to our extended family. I got a chance to talk to another Muslim apostate today. I suppose I should explain what I mean by that first. I converted to Islam in the summer of 2004. I had read much of the Qur'an and was surprised at just how many principles I shared with Islam. I had spent about a year defending Islam from those who attacked it, eventually I asked myself, "you keep defending this religion as fervently as though it were your own, what's stopping you?" Right now you're probably thinking "Duh, we're at war with people who kill we Americans as part of their religious duties." It was in studying Islam that I came to understand those people are not following their religion at all, but using it as a tool to their own political ends. The Qur'an is the highest religious authority in Islam, and within it is something I had never expected to find as part of any religion. 2:256 There shall be no compulsion in religion. It through me quite a bit off balance when I first read that. Like most Americans I knew almost nothing about Islam. What I did know of Islamic history was limited to its military expansion (of course none of the textbooks seemed to find it important to explain what brought about each of the wars of expansion, but that's a rant for another time). To see, right there in the most Holy text of Islam words announcing religious freedom where I though no religion could ever do such a thing, blew my mind. Reading in other parts where it was stated that people were to be judged not merely on what faith they professed on death, but by their deeds in life regardless of which religion they followed sealed it for me: Islam was a different kind of religion. Those who used it to justify murder were ignorant themselves or playing on the ignorance of others. This is what I once wholeheartedly believed. However, as time went on I began to discover the other side of Islam, the side which is not believed to be the direct word of God, as the Qur'an is considered to be, but is nonetheless allowed by many scholars and religious leaders to supercede what is written in the Qur'an. The hadith. I have not studied the hadith in depth, nor am I likely to at any point in the future. Most of my knowledge of the hadith comes from where I've seen them cited in fatwas (religious edicts issued by Muslim scholars, although in the West they are known more for their use by fundamentalists to issue death warrants). In the hadith it is written that one who changes his religion must be put to death. This was such a departure from what I had read in the Qur'an that I felt certain that this must have come from one of the dubious hadith, that it must have been forged or altered, but according to Islamic standards (they have somewhat of a rating system for which hadith are most authentic) the collection in which that was written was perfectly preserved (something I still dispute, given that it was transmitted orally before written, but I digress). How to explain this incongruity between the Qur'an's declaration of religious freedom and the hadith's cold warrant of death for apostasy? This occupied my mind for some time. I talked with a traditionalist who was fairly familiar with the hadith and scholarly opinoins regarding them. It seems that apostasy is punishable by death, but only under certain circumstances. There must be absolutely no doubt that the person in question has in fact left the religion. There must be absolutely no doubt as to that person's sanity. That person must be offered the chance to return to Islam. If they refuse they must be offered exile. Finally, only a Caliph or a Caliph's representative my order an execution. Moderates and traditionalist scholars would therefore argue that apostasy is not punnishable by death since there is no caliph to issue such an order. This, my traditionalist friend said, means that I shouldn't worry about that. However, part of Islam and part of believing in Islam is believing that Islam will eventually be the dominant religion in every country of the world. For such a thing to occur a Caliphate would be established. To believe in Islam would be to believe that this should happen. I could not bring myself to believe that the coming to power of a caliph who could (and would be obligated to) order the execution of apostates would be a good thing. It is in fact the opposite of something I believe very deeply, that everyone must have the freedom to explore religions, or not, as they choose. Realizing this was the first major impasse between me and Islam, and is one of the primary reasons why I am not a Muslim today. The other reason I do no longer consider myself Muslim is that Islam, like the other two Abrahamic faiths, does not look well upon any form of homosexuality. Some Muslims rationalize that this is merely because homosexual acts would be tantamount to adultery, which is an extreme sin to Islam do to the effect adultery has on a family. The Qur'an condemns homosexuality in its several tellings of the story of Lot, however, of the several versions of the story, IIRC, only one mentions the crimes of rape and robbery that are often cited as the real reason for God's vengeance being unleashed. This means that as far as the Qur'an is concerned, the homosexuality alone was enough. I do not, can not, and will not believe that a loving God could be so cold. Although no punishment is prescribed by the Qur'an for homosexuality specifically, and nor do the sayings of the Prophet Muhammad ever mention it, it was decided in the time of the companions of the Prophet (after his death) that homosexuality should be punished with death. This sentiment is common even now throughout much of the Muslim world. Even if I set aside the hadith and focused solely on the Qur'an as a guide, homosexuality is still condemned by Islam, and in such away that even were there no hadith, belief that gays will bring about some form of apocalypse would still become prevalent, and where that happens so will the rejection and persecution. Even setting aside my own sexuality, I have no wish to be a part of a religion that would do that to people who have done nothing wrong. As of April 25, 2006 I finalized my decision to leave Islam. I felt obligated to inform the small online community I was a part of of my decision and to explain to them why I had made it. Those who knew me there were very kind about it and did not get angry. They were saddened, tried to convince me to change my mind, but it was already made up and was not going to change. Two of those who didn't know me reacted with as much spite and malice as you would expect to come from Bin Laden himself. There was one person who knew me and with whom I had had several major arguments with... he is still somewhat of an enigma to me. He was not spiteful of my leaving, if anything he was probably happy because with me gone there is no longer anyone to challenge him on his more ridiculous viewpoints. I am now greeted by him with "Hi Kuffar," meaning "hi disbeliever," intended to be a slur. I've quit responding to him. So... where was I before this lovely little tangent? Oh yeah, I got the chance to chat with another apostate today. Unlike me, she was "born" into Islam. She actually left before I joined. It was very hard for her, but living in the United States rather than Afghanistan (where her family is from) has helped her a lot. Her experience with Islam was decidedly more negative than my own. Where I had the luxury of studying and exploring it as I pleased she grew up with it and is not at all fond of that fact. She tells me that she can't believe I ever was a Muslim, that I was too nice and too open minded for that. In a way, she's right, but I hold no ill will toward those who live as Muslims. When they uphold what I consider to be the most important teachings of the Qur'an - to always be courteous of those around you, to never become aggressive, to be willing to consider forgiving those who have wronged you at times, and to be willing to inform others about Islam but never force it on them - those people are good and decent people with whom I hold no quarrel. I hope she recognizes eventually that people who follow Islam are not necessarily always the kind who feel the need to take morality into their own hands and beat other people with it. Well, that concludes my first entry, hope it wasn't too boring of a read.

If the Phelps clan sincerely believes in the word of God and Jesus, then they should know Jesus didn't advocate hatred and in fact advocated its opposite. They should be trying to help and show love for those they believe are living in sin. "God hates fags" does not accomplish either of those aims. Thus, they are logically inconsistent or do not believe in Jesus at all. Assuming for a minute that they are not incapable of using basic logic, that would mean they deliberately used dubious rhetoric for the purposes of deceiving those who aren't able to recognize the obvious logical flaws and they [the clan] aren't really interested in God other than for the ability to invoke his name as a tool to their agenda. Without a claim to God/Jesus to lend them support they have nothing but hatred as a reason for what they advocate, which is obvious to everyone with basic cranial functions. I do wonder though, why does this little cult feel so strongly about this? What damned difference should it make to them who anyone lives with?

Your profile still has you listed as 16... ...but now you've fixed it!

I retook it... and I still got 23%... I guess I don't quite fit the stereotypes...

Oh man... it was a lot funnier when we were writing it and you could see all the authors' comments... it loses the funniness without all expressions of surprise, outrage, and horror that went into making it.