Demetz

So, tonight, against my better judgment, I went into what I've avoided doing for a long time. Of all the conversations in my head with Dwayne I knew I didn't want to actually say those things to him. Well, tonight against my better judgment I said some, and his reaction was precisely as I predicted it would be... he really doesn't know how to deal with someone emotionally troubled. Eventually though, after blathering on about my feelings and thoughts I said that I was conflicted, and he remarked that he was too. I asked him how and why. The answer was very revealing. He never stopped loving Heidi, made a promise to her to love her forever. She broke his heart by being more interested in a girl. He found me... no f**king clue anymore what I ever meant to him. Lots of things that could be said, but here's what I suspect. He was hurting over Heidi and then he met me. I made myself available to him while he was vulnerable over her. He grabbed onto me. He probably honestly did feel for me, but as time passed on, there were certain inevitable truths working against me. I was far away, she was close, she is the mother of his child... to this point it was still worth it to be with me. Over time, for our own reasons, we became emotionally distanced at the same time he was spending more time with her and she has something I can't ever compete with: his son. That's something he has in common with her, no matter else, she will always be the mother of his child. Right in front of him, the woman he gave his heart to and his child he would never abandon... far away... me. She starts getting over the girl she was interested in. Suddenly, her heart is "free" and able to be swept up by him again. He broke up with me to fulfill his promise to love her, nevermind his promises to me.. which my gut interprets as "you were temporary, and she is who I really want to be with, always have and always will" How could I ever compete with that? With her, he has a family, with me, he would likely never be able to live with his child... and he loves the mother of that child anyway. Now that she's apparently open to the idea of taking him back, he doesn't need my love... not when he has her, and I've always told him to choose his child over me if it came to that. I was a temporary replacement for what he could not have. Now he can have it. I'm not needed, was never really wanted. I suppose its ironic... I chose Dwayne in spite of full knowledge there were plenty of other guys in the world... I chose him anyway... he settled for me, though... I was temporary... someone to be with until she would have him again. That's what I think... tonight anyway. No idea what I'll think tomorrow. Who knows... he may contact me with more revelations about... I don't know. I don't know what it is he wants me to believe out of this.... "i did not break up with you for Heidi, however i broke up with you because i was still in love with Heidi and i wanted to fulfill a promise" Maybe its just me, but thats looks like a pretty damned contradictory statement. He didn't break up with me for Heidi... he just broke up with me so he could be with Heidi and fulfill his promise to always love her, never abandon her, and because he's in love with her and not in love with me he believes he'll be happier with her anyway. Don't kid yourself Dwayne, that amounts to breaking up with me for her... or perhaps more accurately, for yourself you choose to spend your life with her because you think you'll be happier. I remember your promise to me, Dwayne, the poem may have been lost when my harddrive fried, but I remember well your promise to give me all the love I deserve. Its appropriate that poem was lost in a stirke of lightning. And... in spite of it all... I can't be angry with him over this... resentful sure, hurt... absolutely... beyond measure, in fact... but I can't be angry with him over this. My hurt is the consequence of my own naivete. Whatever his feelings for me... he loved her too... by all present appearances much more so. And with her, he has his child. I can't blame him for choosing a life with his child and the mother of that child when he thinks she may return his feelings. I may have serious doubts about whether she will be committed to him... certainly she's proven she's not as committed to him as I am... or was... but that doesn't matter. His heart is after her and I am... relegated to... what? I keep saying that he threw me away, he seemed to take objection to that. The statement made him angry in fact. I think he sees being willing to talk to me despite breaking up with me as not abandoning me or throwing me away. When I think about it, rather than just react to it, he's right. He could very easily end all contact with me. I don't even have his phone number anymore since my cell phone was washed. The only means of contact I have is through his e-mail account. All he has to do to be rid of me forever, if thats what he wanted, is change his e-mail. What am I supposed to think in the wake of all this Dwayne? I don't know where I stand with you... You've made it clear what you don't want with me. What do you want? I suppose I already know the answer to that sort of... He was ambiguous in his answer, he'd be a friend if I wanted that or he'd be nothing if I wanted that. He's not ambiguous about what I once wanted - we'll never be lovers again, never in love again, because that's not what he wants. He has what he wants with who he really wants it now. In all honesty, after all this, I don't want to get back with him either. I don't know what I want. I do know this much, a good friendship with him is not within my capacity to have... not while I'm still so conflicted over him. In time, maybe... how much time I don't know. I don't want to rule out friendship... I don't want to go out of contact ... I just need time to forget the illusion of what was... or wasn't... the illusion of what could have been, but couldn't ever be. I keep looking for some lesson to be learned from all this, the only one I've found is one I do not like but can not deny in the wake of these experiences: do not trust in love. Trust your gut over your heart, and don't let dreams cloud reality from your mind. For a while I was willing to argue that all I'd learned was not generalizable, but limited only to Dwayne... but that's not really true. I put myself out there... a long distance relationship was a mistake, having that realtionship with a felon was a mistake, having a long distance relationship with someone who could not move out of his state of residency was a mistake, entering a relationship with someone who was about to have a child was a mistake, thinking that I could ever fit into that child's life was a mistake, deceiving myself into thinking I had anything to offer that a child could not trump was a mistake, deceiving myself into thinking that it would be perfectly fine for my boyfriend to spend large amounts of time with an ex that he admittedly loved... that was a huge mistake... I shouldn't have ever believed that would be okay. I certainly could not have forbidden it... but thats not the point... I deceived myself thinking that if he loved me it wouldn't be an issue, never seriously questioning that his love for me was greater than any residual feeling for her. I dismissed every rational red flag I had in favor of one premise "He loves me." That was incredibly naive. I've definitely learned that when what I'm being told doesn't match up with what I observe, I'm probably being lied to. I never belonged with him... it was never a possibility... only an unrealistic, fantastic dream...and I was a fool to ever think it could be true. It was my decision to make myself vulnerable... I may as well have asked for it. Ultimately I'm responsible for all the hurt I've been through. Yet, even so, I can't escape some sense of betrayal. Where to go from here? A few new rules I'll probably find some occasion to break later but which feel nice to state now: 1) Never again a guy with a pregnant ex-girlfriend 2) Never again a long distance relationship 3) Never again a convicted felon If nothing else.... I think I'm going to be vastly more guarded about my heart, and far more discriminating about whom I pledge everlasting love to. Hopefully, when I'm ready to make a pledge like that again... it will be to someone who will not... let go of it so easily... someone who will value it at least as much as I do. With any luck, they won't have already made such a promise to someone else. I can say this much... I will never do this to someone else. For a brief spanse of time, I thought it was possible Dwayne and I could get back together... in spite of a previous conviction on my part that I would not take him back after the way he had treated me. But... as that possibility crept into my head, I thought of Gavin. Even with things between Gavin and me as ... new as they are. I wouldn't give up Gavin to go back with Dwayne. Gavin deserves better than that. I think... if Dwayne and I are going to weather this as friends... I need to know where I stand with him... what his feelings... if any, for me are... I know I'm likely going to say many things in conversation with him that will put any friendship between him and me in jeapordy... I know that will pass if he gives it time. He seems to want on some level to still be friends with me, or he wouldn't have bothered to contact me at all tonight. How much of my... confliction... he's willing to tolerate in order to have that friendship... I don't know. I think though, if he answers honestly the question of what his feelings for me are and where I stand with him... that i can just set the... previous events transpiring between us... aside and, after acting long enough like we'd never been other than friends, hopefully I'll forget I thought we were ever more. Okay... I need to go to sleep before this headache causes me to go into a coma instead.

I would like to clarify that when I posted the previous blog I was highly frustrated for having been chewed out just previously for having an opinion on the issue at all. I have various reasons to be indignant about the events transpiring in that situation, but they're ultimately irrelevant to the issue of abortion and merely relate to the irrationality of the person I was misfortunate enough to speak near. In spite of that person's protest that as a man I don't have a right to an opinion on the issue, as someone interested in public policy and planning to make a career in that field, I don't have the luxury of not having an opinion on the issue. The opinion I do have on the issue was rather hastily written in the previous blog, but again, to clarify, my opinion is two-fold, one on what the current policy should be given current circumstances, and the second part concerning what circumstances should be striven toward in order to make way for a more amicable policy. I'm not going to hide the fact that I don't like the concept of abortion. I also recognize that the decision to have an abortion is not an easy one and for the vast majority of women who undergo the procedure they have many very serious concerns which led them to it. From a policy perspective, I'm disinclined to seek to make abortion simply illegal; now or ever. Rather, at present I would leave it legal, but I would implement such policies as to reduce the frequency of unwanted pregnancies and in time seek to implement laws to regulate the process of allowing an abortion to take place. To start, a greater public emphasis on family planning through birth control and especially the morning after pill. I have talked to so many people who either were unaware of the morning after pill or had been deceived into thinking it is an abortion pill that its appalling. A public which is well educated on means of birth control and not cornered into the abstinence only nonsense the present administration pushes is key to cutting down on the number of abortions. The next step policy-wise would be to make it easier for women with unwanted pregnancies to make the decision to bring the baby to term. The first step (as I see it) to doing this is to reform child services so that its a viable alternative rather than the embarrassment that it is. Health care reforms so as to minimize the financial burdens are also necessary. I'm certain there are other things which could be done to make it easier on mothers with unwanted pregnancies to decide to bring the baby to term, but I think you can see where I'm going with this. I would also oppose any policy seeking to create disincentives to abortion rather than incentives to birth. Whether, should the reforms I speak of be made and the demand for abortions drops dramatically, abortion should then be made illegal... I don't think making it illegal would be appropriate, considering that whatever may be the case in normative society exceptions always abound... but where I think making it illegal outright inappropriate, I also think a consultation and approval by a review board of some form would be appropriate. I realize some of these positions will be found more agreeable than others, but I think it involves the right amount of compromise to be workable. On the one hand, the frequency of abortions will decline significantly - something the pro-lifers would applaud if we assume they have any integrity whatsoever, and the ability to have an abortion when needed is still preserved, which should appease the pro-choicers. I consider this a reasonable solution to a complicated issue. Yet, reasonable as I may consider it to be, any such policies would face serious opposition by pro-lifers who are more interested in just stopping people from having sex because their religion scares them into thinking sex is immoral if its not for the explicit purpose of trying to create a child... and on the other side, there are many people who will oppose anything short of on-demand abortions and will see any policy aiming at reducing the demand for abortions as being a threat to the ability to have abortions period. The middle path is not an easy road... more of a gauntlet on this issue.

I'm afraid I'm too broke (and going to continue to be too broke ) to make it.

I think abortion should be permissible in such cases as where the woman's life is endangered by the pregnancy or when raped. I'm also against elective abortion morally, but unwilling to make it illegal. I hesitate on the issue of abortion for two reasons: 1) The child is conceived without his or her own consent and is innocent, punishing the child with death for a parent's mistake is cruel. 2) The morning after pill can prevent conception and thus make the question of elective abortion irrelevant... if the couple does not want a child they can preven the pregnancy from ever ocurring in the first place between the various forms of birth control. However, I recognize that in cases of rape specifically, the woman may be too traumatized to think to get the morning after pill or too conflicted to make the decision to take it. Also, I recognize that so long as the state foster care and adoption agencies are overrun the state can not take on responsibility for the child and so long as that is the case it has no business mandating on its own grounds whether a child shall be brought to term. Yet, as an especially evil dominating monstrous man I bitterly contest the idea that it should be the woman's choice alone to carry a child to term when the pregnancy comes about as a result of consensual sex. The father should have a say. It takes two people to conceive a child, and its no secret that sex produces children, nor is birth control any mystery. The choice to have unprotected male to female sex is made on the understanding that a pregnancy may occur. Both parties know this, both carry the responsibility of the decision to keep the child or not. If the mother wants to keep the child, there is no question in current society that she should keep be allowed to carry the child to term whether or not the father wants to. Yet if a father wishes to keep the child and the mother wants to abort, the father has no recourse. I see that as injustice. That I see this as injustice apparently makes me an evil sexist pig of a man. If so, I offer no apology for it and embrace it. If the father wishes to have the child and the mother does not, the child should be brought to term, then full custody granted to the father and the mother released from all obligations or right to the child. Similarly, if the woman wants the child and the man does not, then the man should cede all custody to the woman and be free of all obligations to the child. Now I'm a really evil sexist chauvanistic pig. Of course, all the opinions I've expressed here would be perfectly legitimate if I had a vagina. Alas, I have a cock and balls and am therefore an evil seixt chauvanistic blah blah blah. When do I, as a man, lose respect for women? When they decide I'm not allowed to have an opinion because I have a different set of genitalia.

These past two days have been incredible. Two days ago, out looking for a new place to live and a job, I meet this woman who wants to pray for me, so I figure why not? It couldn't hurt. Later, while checking out a place for a job, I meet another guy who's looking for a new place, we talk for a few hours and we think we've got a decent business deal worked out to cut down on our costs to find a place to live. He's not gay... he does have a nice body but not all that cute in the face, and kind of a jerk to his girlfriend, but if he can mind his own business and let me mind mine there's not much more that matters. That night, feeling pretty lonely I start looking through the craigslist personals... but I end up backing down from meeting for random one-night-stand sex. Just... too dangerous, and not me at all. I'm kind of proud of myself for not giving in to that. Yesterday morning, I go back on craigslist looking for apartments/roomates that would be... shall we say, more trustworthy? I find this ad from two girls moving into a three bedroom apartment and looking for a third person. I send them some information about me and they're interested I think I've got a decent shot with this. I also wander back into the personal ads, and go to the bradenton/sarasota section since I'm spending the holidays there with my parents. I'm not expecting much, but oh did I strike gold I found a guy... his name is Gaven... who was looking to explore, but more interested in friendship than with benefits. Very cute guy, very talkative. I don't think he's especially attracted to me, and to be honest I don't feel some kind of deep connection to him... but we definitely hit it off as friends. We met up in a park, went for a walk, stopped by some of the most beautiful places in the area, and eventually made our way back to my parents house for some refreshments (water) before going to his house. He has a heated community pool, so we go there, swim around for a while, and the people who are there slowly leave. We finally have the place to ourselves and make our way over to the hot tub. He was so beautiful... we smiled at each other, looking into each other's eyes, and moved closer... embracing, and finally, sharing our first kiss. There was some more kissing and touching, but he was not very comfortable there because there was someone in the exercise room, which overlooked the pool and hot tub. I'm very accomodating though... I know what its like in those early days of exploring sexuality, so much paranoia about what other people see and think. It may in fact never really go away... I'm still cautious about where and when I let that part of myself show. In truth, there's no way the person in the exercise room could have seen anything we were doing, or probably even recognized that it was two guys doing it... but I know its a mental barrier and I'm very sympathetic to how people (especially dates!) feel. We decide to leave and go back to his parents' place... his mom insists I have dinner with them and I couldn't decline the offer. They don't know about their son's... inclinations, and as far as they know he and I are friends. That's okay, though... I can be discrete, and my mannerisms don't exactly scream "GAY!" ... though they might perhaps whisper "potential!" to anyone watching for it. They weren't. We had a delicious spaghetti dinner... his mom is either from Italy or first generation descendant and cooks an absolutely delicious spaghetti sauce... far better than any ragu I use. I thanked her for the meal and Gaven and I watched some comedy for a while before going back to the pool... This time, we had it all to ourselves. We swam for a while, letting him tire himself out... he has a swimmer's build, from, you guessed it - Swimming. When he's ready to do more relaxing, we drew close together again, arms around each other and kissed again. It just felt so... good... to have that body-to-body contact. We made our way back to the bath tub, where there was more kissing, some grinding, much touching... it was great . After a while, I slipped my hand down the back of his shorts, squeezed him.... >__> <__< You know, to keep this from getting to x-rated, suffice it to say we eventually both lost our shorts, and continued as before, kissing, grinding, rubbing, touching.... eventually, he found his way to positioning himself so his dick was between my legs, underneath my balls, and we began thrusting against eachother. I think I was able to stop him just before he came, but at that point where the body will react to stopping as though it did cum. No need to fill the public hot tub with cum. The way he clung to me at that time, the sound of his voice... it was... serene. I asked him afterward just how far he wanted to go that night, he said he was just fine with things going as they had... it was getting late anyway, and I had to be home. It was shortly after that I learned I was pretty much his first sexual experience period. The most he had done before me, was to touch a girl through her panties... I think he enjoyed being with me a lot more This whole episode does put me in somewhat a dillemma though. On the one hand, I'm looking to get a place and a job in Tampa working for the human rights campaign. On the other... Gaven is in Bradenton. I like Gaven, I enjoyed our time together... and I want to spend more time with him, go out on more dates... he's already invited me to go to a pool hall with him (to play pool) or to go bowling... and he says that he hopes I decide to come to Bradenton. I... don't know what to do. Something else to reflect on... in my last relationship, I was deeply, passioniately in love... this contributed a lot to the sexual experience... without that component, the experience seems somewhat lacking. I know... I know long term, I want someone to spend my life with, someone who will love me and wants my love in return... I don't think that person is Gaven... but, while this relationship with him may not be what I most want... I think, psychologically, it may be what I need. Love is.... love is something I know I want... something I will need, in time, to be happy with my life. For now though... I think I need friendship more. Come to think of it... I've needed friendship for a very long time, and thats probably what was most lacking in my last relationship. Two people aren't friends when one refuses to have anything to do with the other for long periods of time... and they certainly aren't lovers. I... don't know what to think of the relationship I had with Silven. Perhaps I put it best some time ago when I described it as like being in love with a ghost... I don't know what to make of him now. For a long time our relationship didn't consist of anything that could be called friendship, and the time where we were lovers was few and far, far, between... and even when together... either he would blissfully hold me or treat me like my very existence just annoyed him. A few days after he broke up with me, we talked, and I told him I wanted to be friends, and I described what I wanted as friends... it was then that I realized, I wasn't asking him for any more than I always had... and I was never going to get it. It was not much later, during his evasive but all-too-accurate answer, that the nature of our relationship as friends would just make itself known over time, that I realized he and I would never be friends at all... I wasn't worth it to him to keep friendship alive when we were supposed to be lovers... I sure as hell am not worth it to him now. He may, perhaps... from time to time, pass into and out of my life again. That is how he treats his friends... as people who he doesn't mind being around, but could be just as happy without. I can't believe I ever fooled myself into believing him when he said he would be there for me forever. I... don't like to be a spiteful person... though he has given me much to spite... There is still love for him in my heart, shattered as it is. I still hope he can find some happiness, some peace in his life... Even now... I care for his wellbeing... and for the wellbeing of the son who I will never have. Now... I have to decide on a new path... I like Gaven... maybe I can convince him to move to Tampa with me...

I wrote this poem some time ago, and I'm posting it again now, with some extra stanzas. It tells my story pretty well I think. I was walking across a rope bridge Behind me, my life without you Before me, the day I move in with you Below me, no rivine, nor rushing stream Below me lay a vastly wide river Moving warm and slow To nowhere I'd rather go Than the other side. You were standing on the other side When I saw you disappear, And a moment of confusion crossed my mind When you returned, axe in hand And with one swift movement You cut cleanly through the ropey rail And I picked up my pace. You turned to cut through the other rail As I shouted "Wait, please, don't!" And my balance in our relationship Was lost with your next stroke. Calling on my deepest will, I continued forward faster still I could not understand why You had done what you did But I knew I loved you still. And you ran out to me And held my hand I thought to guide me across It made so little sense What you had done But your love again I felt Until once more I was surprised As you shoved me over... Or at least you tried. I clung to that path and pulled myself up As you turned back around to view your work Again, on the other side. And still I walked that path. Striving ever to be with you again You Called out to me "What are you waiting for" And I steadied myself Sensing briefly the love I could no longer be sure of And Continued along the path. Till once again, with a malicious grin Out came the axe from hell Severing another tie With terror in my eyes Betrayal rocking my heart No path remained, only a thin line I grabbed ahold of that line And held on for dear life Though it would be so easy to just let go The warm waters of a calm river of life That seems never to lead to you Threaten only my heart A heart already wounded But a stubborn heart, unwilling to lose I could not give up the dream of being with you. I begged you "Please!" Hoping you would understand Begging you not to take my last guide away. And as though you could not hear As though you did not know As if it all was completely sane The axe of hell struck once again. And even in those comforting waters Leading everywhere but where I wanted I swam on in your direction And like a fool to you I shouted "Throw out the preserver" And to it you did go. You picked it up, examined it And chucked it just for show. My heart lept and clenched within the space of five beats As that little ring flew up, and landed out of reach. Sadness coursing through my veins I called out to you again Not knowing just how far I'd have to swim I hoped you'd come yourself Meet me halfway. You smiled at me and laughed out loud As the river met the bay. I swim on in shark infested waters I know not love I know not hope My heart has lost its way In an ever wider bay. I find it wider but not deeper. My feet even touch the bottom. I could go anywhere from here Only the sharks here to beware. But in my heart I do not care. Without my Love it does not matter Light turns to dark, and all around there's not a sound only the light flutter of so many other ways to go On my back, I look at the stars So beautiful and oh so far And I exit the bay, into an ocean of tears. I am no longer alone. You are here now. But you can not see me. You can not hear me You rendered me invisible, My vocal cords inaudible And together like this We will never reach the shore. That is why you have to go Its why I must move on, you know. But, forever locked inside my soul Will be the dream of reaching our goal What could have been, had you only seen, had you only listened, had you, like I, never given up on our dream I believe it will haunt me forever But as you swim beyond my sight A new day dawns, and on shines the morning light Someday, someone, maybe, will love me The way I have always needed to be I will not drown in this ocean of sorrows Not so long as there is still tomorrow I will swim, I will seek, and I will dream new dreams Out there, somewhere, someone is still waiting for me. In an Ocean of tears, an ocean of love With such depths below, and the vast heavens above I do not yet know just where he is But so long as I have love to give I will search on, and on, Until at last I have him in my arms.

Read the article, found it very insightful, particularly that last section.

Considering that many of the Gods in Hindu lore are er... multisexual... anatomically and orientation-wise, this doesn't come as much of a surprise as it could be. Now tell me a homosexual couple gets legally married in Pakistan... and I'm gonna have to go throttle some of our own fundies >_>

Technically, in order to prosecute a person for adultery, one must be able to call four witnesses to the act, according to traditional Islamic law. De facto Islamic process on the other hand seems to blame the victim in rape cases. It does not suprise me in the least that an Islamic country would seek to prosecute a male rape victim as having been in a homosexual act rather than dilligently prosecute the rapists. Yet, I must admit I was surprised to hear of this ocurring in Dubai, until I learned of the involvement of AIDS. Dubai is trying to make itself the cultural capital of the eastern hemisphere, a reputation for being relatively std free is essential to the image they want to promote. It would not surprise me in the least if they would forsake justice to avert a percieved economic threat.

Okay... so this lump of... whatever the hell it is... it seems to grow and recede and is most prominent when I'm aroused. Guess what I'm NOT when in an office with an 80 year old asian doctor I can barely understand? I could still find the lump, but it was so small the doctor couldn't... an no matter how much he rolled my balls around in his hand or played with my shaft, my arousal level was not budging and the lump was gonna hide indefinitely. So... doctor couldn't find it to diagnose it and has me coming back in on wednesday... If I didn't have more classes today I would be throwing down some cold ones about now...

As for a pro-gay bias... science does not answer the question of what we should do. It can tell us how things work, how to attain such goals as are attainable, but does not tell us whether the goals are worthwhile. No legitimate study is pro-gay or anti-gay, or pro or anti anything for that matter. A legitimate study seeks to find an answer to a question; although a hypothesis may be made as to what the answer to that question is, the data will prove the hypothesis right or wrong or can simply be inconclusive. What is done with the answer is what freaks people out. To question the idea that being gay is a matter of choice is to question the authority of numerous religious teachings, and as the way with a comprehensive metaphysical doctrine is - if you prove part of it wrong then it loses all authority. Hence pissing off those who relied on that authority to con people out of their cash. To do a study on it at all means acknowledging that the comprehensive metaphysical doctrine could be wrong and thus it is against the religious agenda for their to be a legitimate study. What is substituted instead is a "study" of their own that amounts to fabricated data and bad science... further proving the CMD to be a fraud. However, there is a downside to proving sexual orientation is genetically linked. Once that is firmly established, the churches will turn away from the old arguments of whether it is just of God to damn people to hell and pretend that doesn't exist. What happens when you establish a biological cause is you also establish that there is a biological "solution" to be found. The same people who argued so fervently that gay people were just immoral sinners who chose to spit in the face of the all loving, nearly all-damning god will begin arguing in favor of genetic engineering to purge the species of homosexuality. Isolate the gene which "causes" homosexuality, and you may win the argument about god being malevolent, but they'll drop that and take up where you left off and having isolated the gene they'll do what research is necessary to figure out how to replace it through gene splicing. We will always be a disease in their eyes. This way, instead of a mental disease to be rid of by aversion "therapy" we become a genetic disease to be rid of by gene therapy once the science is advanced enough. The mistake is to ever get mired down in their assbackwards ideas about moral philosophy. Approach moral philosophy from a standard other than trying to justify things in light of some ancient, poorly written, poorly translated, and invariably poorly interpreted pile of incoherent text and they will not be able to win. Acknowledge the legitimacy of the bible, qur'an, torah etc as laws from on high and you cede all human reason to an early stage conception of right and wrong where every moral why is answered with "this... because god said so" ... but only if you cede the initial premise of the legitimacy of their CMD. Challenge the legitimacy of their comprehensive metaphysical doctrine and they are reduced to babbling about how they made a leap of faith... leaps of faith are not logical and thus fail any standard of logical assessment. Establish a line of reasoning that does not ground itself in a leap of faith, by providing empirical evidence to support premises set forth in a moral question and you win by default when in a logical discussion. What must be kept in mind though, is that engaging in logical discussion with a group of people who define themselves by irrational belief can come to be as fruitful as banging one's head into a concrete wall. Irrationality can only be defeated by the irrational person deciding to be rational. Sadly, most religious people never care to do that and will continue their crusade against us unholies indefinitely.

Its unmanly to be self conscious about manliness ... so if they have to take one to save my life, I'll do it. Whats most frustrating is the wait... 8:30 am the doctor's office opens... I check in, wait a half hour to see the nurse, wait another half hour to see the doctor... the doctor feels around and gives me this illumination test... if its positive for spermatocele, then I'm good to go... if not then I get a referral to the hospital across campus... twenty minutes later I'm in the hospital waiting room, waiting for them to do whatever testing they need to do to confirm its a tumor, then whatever testing is required to determined if its metastasized... thats the one I'm scared of most... I still feel healthy but that only means that if its cancer and has spread it hasn't done enough damage to show in the other organs yet. I need to get my mind off all this... I need my boyfriend...

When I was sixteen, my Grandfather died of cancer to the lungs, liver, and kidneys. On Friday I found out my mom has skin cancer and is undergoing treatment. That night, I realized I have a lump on my right testicle... non painful. According to what I've been able to find out, there are five things which can cause a non-painful lump. 1) Varicocele - some kind of inflamation of the veins, which is supposed to feel like a bag of worms... which does not fit the description of what I have. 2)Hyrdococele - basically a bag of water that ends up in the scrotum; usually in infants... I'm not an infant and this is attached to the testicle itself, not floating around in the scrotum 3) Hernia - I haven't had one of those. Hydrococele ... those are what I've ruled out. There are apparently only two other things that cause a non painful lump. One is a spermatocele, the other is a cancerous tumor. The free clinic doesn't open again until monday morning. I will be there when it opens, classes be damned. A spermatocele generally fits the descriptiion, its supposed to basically be like a bag of dead sperm attached to one end of the testicle. What doesn't seem to fit though is that it feels hard, kind of like a mini choclate chip. One of the diagnostic tools is apparently to shine a flashlight through to see if it transilluminates or is opaque... my little key chain flashlight must not be bright enough though because while it could shine through the scrotum, it couldn't through the testicle. Flip a coin: heads you live, tails you die... thats a quote from some movie, but it seems to have some real relevance here. If this is a spermatocele, then I'm going to be just fine, and won't need any kind of treatment unless it grows to the point of being severely uncomfortable. If its cancer.... my insurance expires when I graduate in December. If I drop a class, I'll keep the insurance until my next birthday... giving me an extra three and a half months. If I'm not cured by then, I'm going to die. Thats something real rough to come face to face with... for the past year I've been going to classes... making big plans for grad school and a stunning carreer taking blighted cities and reinvigorating them through progressive policies... making big plans to leave this place I'm at, move to another state to be with the man I love so much... all of that can disappear tomorrow with just three words "Its a tumor." I spent most of this past day sleeping... now I'm probably going to be up all night... 30 hours and twenty minutes from now as I type this, I'm going to walk into the clinic. An hour, maybe two later I'm going to know rather I'm going to spend the rest of my life fulfilling all those big dreams, or living in a hospital until my insurance expires. Its... agonizing... I have papers to do... is there any point... was there ever? My decisions have always been based on the assumption that I'm going to live to be an old man... so I've spent the past four years going to college instead of out living. I haven't drowned my liver in parties, I've never smoked... cigarettes or weed... I've never done any drugs for that matter. All to stay healthy... I've been exercising a lot... one of my goals was to have six pack abs at least long enough to take a picture of... so when I grew old I'd be able to look back and remember.... I'm not ready to die... I want to live...

There's a website which has the book "addicted to hate" on it, which gives a detailed account of the inner workings of the Phelps family... I wouldn't exactly call it enlightening, but its hard for me to look on the Phelps family with anything but pity when I consider just how screwed up their patriarch is... Old man Phelps himself, though... him I can still despise with a vehement passion

Eh... I think just asking someone privately would be a lot more accurate a way to find out if someone is gay than by observing how they walk. Neither is going to tell you a thing about someone in the closet, but at least you're less likely to go on thinking a straight person might be gay. Or you could go on pretending that hunky straight is secretly gay, but that seems more like a personal issue Maybe I'm just too blunt?

I don't smoke and I never will. I watched my Grandpa die of cancer from it... I saw the effect it had on my family... I never want so much suffering to be because of me. On the other hand, I also told myself I wouldn't even consider dating someone who smoked and look what that got me >_<

Thanks, Tob

So last night I did what I've wanted to do metaphorically in a literal way. I ran. And Ran. And kept right on running. It was pouring rain out. I went anyway. Lightning striking all over the place. Sun set well below the horizon. I kept running. Soaken wet, heart pounding, foot numbing I stopped and walked long enough to so I could feel my foot again and catch my breath, then I ran some more. And ran, and ran. I ran right past the road I was supposed to turn down and didn't realize it for a half mile. I turned around and made my way back, until I got to the road I take back to my apartment. After six miles, the sky chose then to close up and go calm. No more lightning, no more rain. Just a wet, tired, mind-numbed me. Removing my soaked through shoes and squeeging out my socks, I walked barefoot the rest of the way back to my apartment. I didn't dare try the stares, opting instead for the elevator, and two stories higher I trapsed through the hall, and wandered into my apartment. I stared into the mirror, amazed at how good I look when wet and exhausted, despite all the internal misery. But I think that's the point. Though I thought about the hell I'm going through... I just kept going until I could think of nothing but where my next steps were taking me. I think that was somewhere after mile four... That's a long way to go to put something out of my mind, which itself I suppose is symptomatic of who I am... a long way for relief that lasts only so briefly. I cooked dinner in nothing by my boxers, had a couple drinks to celebrate my triumph, and went to sleep to wake up to a day with all the same troubles I had before, with the additional joy that comes from sore back muscles.

I am only your boyfriend some of the time. The rest of the time I am nothing. My voice has no words My mind is without content My heart has no value I exist, as only a broken shadow in your mind. For I am only your boyfriend some of the time. I look back through my blogs here, public and private... I look back through e-mails, many I never sent... I look back over my life and for so... so long I have been unhappy - in a desperate struggle with my boyfriend to get him to show the love he once did. I never win that struggle. Why do I still bother? I don't even know anymore. Real happiness is only a shadow of a dream I had a long time ago.

This poem is straight from the heart, very emotional, very metaphorical, and possibly tear jerking. You've been warned. I was walking across a rope bridge Behind me, my life without you Before me, the day I move in with you Below me, no rivine, nor rushing stream Below me lay a vastly wide river Moving warm and slow To nowhere I'd rather go Than the other side. You were standing on the other side When I saw you disappear, And a moment of confusion crossed my mind When you returned, axe in hand And with one swift movement You cut cleanly through the ropey rail And I picked up my pace. You turned to cut through the other rail As I shouted "Wait, please, don't!" And my balance in our relationship Was lost with your next stroke. Calling on my deepest will, I continued forward faster still I could not understand why You had done what you did But I knew I loved you still. And you ran out to me And held my hand I thought to guide me across It made so little sense What you had done But your love again I felt Until once more I was surprised As you shoved me over... Or at least you tried. I clung to that path and pulled myself up As you turned back around to view your work Again, on the other side. And still I walked that path. Striving ever to be with you again You Called out to me "What are you waiting for" And I steadied myself Sensing briefly the love I could no longer be sure of And Continued along the path. Till once again, with a malicious grin Out came the axe from hell Severing another tie With terror in my eyes Betrayal rocking my heart No path remained, only a thin line I grabbed ahold of that line And held on for dear life Though it would be so easy to just let go The warm waters of a calm river of life That seems never to lead to you Threaten only my heart A heart already wounded But a stubborn heart, unwilling to lose I could not give up the dream of being with you. I begged you "Please!" Hoping you would understand Begging you not to take my last guide away. And as though you could not hear As though you did not know As if it all was completely sane The axe of hell struck once again. And even in those comforting waters Leading everywhere but where I wanted I swam on in your direction And like a fool to you I shouted "Throw out the preserver" And to it you did go. You picked it up, examined it And chucked it just for show. My heart lept and clenched within the space of five beats As that little ring flew up, and landed out of reach. Sadness coursing through my veins I called out to you again Not knowing just how far I'd have to swim I hoped you'd come yourself Meet me halfway. You smiled at me and laughed out loud As the river met the bay. I swim on in shark infested waters I know not love I know not hope My heart has lost its way In an ever wider bay. I find it wider but not deeper. My feet even touch the bottom. I could go anywhere from here Only the sharks here to beware. But in my heart I do not care. Without my Love it does not matter Light turns to dark, and all around there's not a sound only the light flutter of so many other ways to go On my back, I look at the stars So beautiful and oh so far And I exit the bay, into an ocean of tears. I am no longer alone. You are here now. But you can not see me. You can not hear me You rendered me invisible, My vocal cords inaudible And together like this We will never reach the shore.

How long t ill more of the SoccerMom/PastorDave types pop up and threaten to boycott harry potter... again?

If the conditions in one's country are such that they can not be changed for the better or changing them for the better is not realistic then immigration to a better country is perfectly legitimate. Give it another 10, maybe 20 years and laws in the US will be changed. That's little comfort to people who would spend a quarter of their life not being accorded the rights and privileges they deserve though.

http://www.bgay.com/bnews/news70707_250k_t...top_gay_sex.htm This new toilet apparently gives a limited time before the door opens and one is exposed to the world. Apparently Mr Naugle has never had to take a massive dump before. >_> What?

Congratulations CJames!

See... this is solved very easily... don't wear underpants. At all. Ever... and you probably shouldn't wear pants either