Demetz

I want a few music cds.... okay so that sounds like nothing special .... Specifically, I want Paul Potts cd "One Chance" and the *relatively* recent recording of Hector Berlioz's Les Troyens for those who don't know, its a selection of Les Troyens that's playing in Captain Picard's office in the movie First Contact when Riker reports in about their non-mission. Yes people.... its Opera and I like it. I'm gay, I'm allowed

Hello, Demetz here, also known as Deme, Dem, or Ash.... I write stories and poetry and contribute here and there among the topics.

Age of Consent varies from state to state, but many have "buffers" where a minor and a legal adult can have sex if they're within a certain age range. In California, I think its 3, in Pennsylvanis its 4, in Florida, I think it's 16 to 24 (been a while since I checked that one so don't quote me on that). There's also an issue of federal law when involving the transportation of minors across state line for the purposes of sex. Namely, under federal law its illegal to transport a minor under the age of consent in their own state to a state where they are within the age of consent to have sex with.

I put maybe.... if I'm emotionally shot and find myself with a guy... or several... anything can happen. Not something I'm proud of though... in fact I hate the part of myself that makes that plausible. I tend to tie sex in with love... having sex outside of a loving relationship would probably just confuse the hell out of me emotionally and leave me much worse off.

There is something that must be done before one can move on from a broken up relationship, and that is to let go. It has bothered me that now more than a month after Dwayne and I broke up, I still think about him everyday... still play through conversations in my head... I need to stop that, but to do so, I needed to understand why I was still doing it. What I came up with as an answer is that although the relationship was broken up, I was still holding on to something... it wasn't hope of getting back together... after a point, it wasn't even that things could have been different and him and me make it together. What I was holding onto, and needed to let go of, was anger and resentment. Examining the things which made me angry and resentful... taking the time to consider what happened as objectively as I could, I can see no reason to hold onto that anger. There is a different way to look at things, and that is to take the good times, the happy times and value them for what they were, not for what they could not be. In doing this, I think I can move on. There was something left though, something I felt I had to do... With that, hopefully I will finally find peace.

I would be perfectly willing to do that, but apparently he's not very interested in topping.

Sexual fantasies involving more than one partner are one thing... but when it comes to a significant over... I don't share.

Warning: This blog may contain graphic contact and/or TMI. Read at your own risk. So this week is my last week of undergraduate school. Papers, exams..... blah. Just so glad to be done with it all. Saturday I walk the stage, sometime in January I'll have my Bachelor's degree in hand.... From here, I don't know where I'm going to go. I'm still going to apply to the University of Pennsylvania, though I'd rather go to Princeton. I'm going to be applying to a bunch of grad schools actually. I'm also going to be applying for a temporary teacher certification for the state of Florida as a back up plan. The only requirements to get it are to have a bachelor's degree with at least a 2.5 GPA, a teaching job lined up, and to send all the application forms in. If my plans for grad school in public administration don't work out, I'm going to apply to law school and take night classes while teaching to support myself.... I don't really want to be a lawyer, my ambitions for a career in law would be to become a federal judge. I may not be thrilled about the idea of trying cases as a lawyer, but hearing cases and determining a just outcome is something I am both good at and enjoy doing. My personal life... well... there have been some interesting developments there... I went out with Gavin a couple times last weekend. Friday night I ended up in a long conversation with his parents about politics before going out to dinner with them. They're independents like me, and I enjoyed talking with them about some public policy issues and the present election cycle. When we got back to Gavin's place I went into his room with him. We played gears of war on the xbox for a while, then popped in an absolutely terrible movie called "going overboard" starring adam sandler. That was okay, though, my interest wasn't really with the movie anyway. That night I gave him his first blow job, which he enjoyed intensely... he almost came in the first minute or so, but I stopped so he could recover a bit. For a brief but very enjoyable time we laid together, his arm around me. I wished I could have gone to sleep like that but I had to get back home. Saturday we went bowling together... I don't even remember what my score was but I do remember getting four strikes in my second game. I had a lot of fun but I'm not sure Gavin had as good a time. I'm not sure if he just doesn't know how, or just doesn't like to, but he doesn't use the holes in the bowling ball. He actually did pretty good though, considering the form he was using. I thought about throwing off my own game a little bit so our scores would be more even... but I decided against that. Misrepresentation just isn't a good way to go in a relationship. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not. We went back to his place and fooled around for a while... I was confronted with a couple facts about myself that I can't change. First, I'm a pretty damned horny guy. My sex drive is high enough to the point that there's rarely a time when I'm not interested in sex. Gavin is not like that though. He's actually a little disconcerted to find that my sex drive is so high because his own is not. I assured him though that I wasn't in the relationship for the sex, and he's since told me that he doesn't think its that big of a deal anyway. The other problem is somewhat... mechanical in nature. Simply put, I'm pretty big around. Gavin is... well, Gavin is how you would expect someone who has never had anal sex before to be. I tried stretching first (and not for a short while), but to no avail. I know if there is more and more frequent stretching eventually I will "fit" but I'm afraid he may have been turned off from it now. I hope not... He has a friend of his flying down on Sunday, he talked about going to busch gardens... we might go together... we'll see.

There's no question in my mind that I would not knowingly have sex with someone HIV positive. I know they say condoms are nearly 100% effective at stopping the transmission of HIV... I don't care. If the person has HIV, they're not having consensual sex with me. I see it as simply too dangerous for me. I may love and support a person with HIV... I can hug and cuddle with someone with HIV, but no way will I have sex with them. HOLD UP! People who have HIV are still putting each other at risk by having sex with each other. There are many different strains of HIV, with different levels of resistances for various drugs. Drugs prescribed to treat HIV work for a period of time before they will not work anymore. That drug will never work for that person again. If that person passes the virus on to someone else, the drug will not work for that person because the strain will already be resistant to it. The only way it would work out so that people with HIV could have sex with each other without putting each other at risk, is if they both have precisely the same strain with precisely the same resistances.

Okay, I voted in this a while ago, but I've neglected to actually post until now. Not only would I date someone in the closet, but in fact I already am dating someone in the closet. Now, to be clear, I'm talking about someone who is "out" to himself to the extent that he's okay having sexual relations with a guy and acknowledges the possibility of spending his life with another guy. That's what's important to me. He is not "out" to his parents, though its possible they suspect something since I've had dinner with them twice and they know we hang out together in his room till very late at night ... Anyway, the part that matters is that they're "out" to themselves. If they haven't reached this part, then they're not ready for a relationship with another guy, and I'm not a fan of setting myself up to get my heart broken. If they're in the closet to their parents/family... I can work with them on that, or respect their decision to keep that part of their lives from their family. Of course... that could just be because I'm naturally a very accomodating person ......

The status of prisons in this country is disgusting. Recently at an extradition hearing a European country refused to extradite a prisoner to the united states because of this, declaring US prisons to be inhumane and ultimately packed with human rights abuses. A prison sentence should not be a rape sentence. We're better as a nation than that. Yes, the people who go to prison have been convicted of bad things... many of them are horrible people. The law separates them from the rest of the population for this reason, but can you imagine if the law were written such that a prison sentence were listed instead as a sentence to be raped as it is for many people? It would be outrageous. It is outrageous. Unfortunately, its not something most people are willing to rally behind reform for because of a general consensus that "they" deserve it.

Okay... so, I'm guilty. I have had unprotected sex. It was in a monogamous relationship. Before letting things go too far with my new partner I've gotten tested. I've talked with him about his sexual history (or rather, a lack of it). In all likelihood he and I are going to have unprotected sex at some point. This is usually frowned upon and hell... frown at me all you like. I stress though, I don't do the casual sex thing. I don't do one-night-stand sex. I get to know my partner before we do anything, and I make sure I'm clean and they're clean before anything happens. I may not be at the the top rung of the safe sex ladder but at least I'm not at the bottom.

Hey! I know to take it slow But that doesn't mean I can't look forward to the future

Today started off like many other days... I woke up, looked around, wondered whether I was already late for class, looked at the clock and saw that I was not, and then was faced with the decision of whether to go, or not to go. I went. I'm glad I did, actually. My microeconomics professor had our exams back... I got a 63 out 100 points. Normally this might be something to feel devastated by. However, as the average grade was in the low 30s, a 31 point curve boosed my grade to a 94... which means I'll have to really screw up on the final to get less than a C for the class. On my way back to my apartment I stopped by Dr Gibbons office and requested an extension on the paper, and he gave it, no questions asked. Permitting me a bit of cushion with everything thats due between all my classes. I got a call from Gavin tonight, something I was very glad to receive. Up until this point, it had been me calling him, and him calling me back an hour or so later when he wasn't busy. I was begining to wonder whether I'd been getting too far ahead of myself in how I conceived the relationship. I'm glad to find that I was not. Initiative is something I am happy not to be the only one taking. Its a good feeling... knowing he wants to talk to me... I embrace that feeling, happy in the knowledge he will seek me out as well. I am struck, in talking with Gavin, at the most basic things about the way he is. I was so accustomed for so long to dealing with someone so different from me in terms of thought patterns... to find someone who thinks clearly and logically in much the same patterns as myself is very... refreshing in a sense. Its... different than I'm used to and... I want to experience more of it. To say I want to spend more time with Gavin is an understatement... we are still getting to know each other and every minute I spend with him I'm left just wanting more. I find myself missing him already. Soon I'll have graduated and moved back to Bradenton... we'll be able to spend a lot more time together then. I look forward to the time though I cringe to think of the general lack of opportunities we will have for privacy. Gavin has described himself as agoraphobic when it comes to his sexuality... I can deal with that, I can be discrete in public until he's more comfortable in public... but beyond that there's also the matter that neither of us will have our own place, both of us will be staying at our repsective parents' homes. He's closeted to his parents and mine... while more or less accepting of me, are rather uncomfortable with the idea of him and I sleeping (and I mean that in the literal sense and you can extrapolate from there) together at the house.... there's also the brother factor, and the shape he keeps the bathroom in is just embarrassingly disgusting. Needless to say, I'll be looking forward to moving out of my parents house into a place of my own, ASAP. If things go well with Gavin, and they certainly seem to be on the right track, he and I can share a place together and the lack of privacy will no longer be an issue. Its not just the sex... don't get me wrong, i'm a very virile individual, but its the intimacy that comes with sex among of course various non-intercourse intimate activities that I most desire... and I think that can best be attained in the privacy of one's own home... one not lorded over by parents, that is. I'm looking forward to that intimacy perhaps most of all. Not that I intend to neglect our friendship... quite to the contrary I want to try to find a balance between work-life, intimacy, and more platonic forms of fun so we can maintain friendship while being more than that and live a decent life financially in the process. Now... as its getting rather late, you'll have to excuse me as I wander off into a hopefully x-rated dream land.

I was going to vote for love, but what's this not forever business? If I can't have lasting love till death, I'll settle for being sharp and young forever and move from love to love.

There's a pretty simple method that I use: pull a person aside, somewhere you can speak privately so he doesn't feel threatened by the presence of others, let him know you're gay so he doesn't feel like that's something he needs to hide from you, and ask him. A closeted guy may still say no, but discretion + non-threatening is usually the best combination to get someone to say yes if they are gay.

http://www.nypost.com/seven/12022007/news/...onor_901096.htm As much as I might like to support our friends and counterparts in the opposite sex, this just seems so wrong to me. This man helps them have a child, agrees to cede all custody and rights to the child, plays a limited part in the child's life (come on, the kid's going to wonder who his father is and since the father was a friend of the mother there's no reason for him to have just disappeared) and then after 18 years she slaps him with a child support suit? Obviously she and her partner who were both doctors were perfectly capable of raising the child financially and the child wasn't short a parent: he still had two presumably loving parents throughout his life with a third parent who also loved him but respected his mothers wishes to raise him without interference. The only reason I can see for suing this man for child support 18 years after the fact is because if they'd done it before he would have had every right to sue for at least partial custody. In a sense he had that right all along but didn't do it because she was a friend... or so he thought. Considering the child is almost an adult, the only point I can see to suing for child support is pure greed and I can not understand how the court could rule against this man.

I needed to know I would not be endangering Gavin if something more happens between me and him than already has. I was not going to allow myself to put Gavin in danger. It may be a simple matter to just say I should wait a month... I already know from experience though that in the heat of the moment I'm less likely to think about these things and more likely to take risks I wouldn't take otherwise. Before someone chews me out for that, remember thats why I'm getting checked before you criticize me. Whatever emotional demons I had to face with Dwayne to get the information I needed... is worth knowing I won't be sentencing Gavin to a life with AIDS by being with him.

Looking forward to your safe and swfit return, Ash

I'll get the rest of my test results back on Friday. I got the results for my HIV test back today: I'm non-reactive. Now, I'm really wishing I hadn't gone to see Dwayne in September because if I hadn't I wouldn't have had to do what I did next. I left a tagline on my instant messenger relating that I was HIV -. He came online and asked me what the message meant. The rest of the conversation went like this: His status is always set to appear offline so I don't know how much of that he read. I realize the question must have hurt him. I probably could have found a more tactful way of asking it.... I'm crying as I'm typing this because of how much it hurt me to ask it. But as I tried to explain to him... I had to know... I had to be sure beyond any doubt, and as much as it hurt me, with everything thats happened, I just couldn't be certain without asking. Dwayne, if you're reading this, I'm sorry that question hurt you. That has never been my intention. Someday, I hope you can forgive my doubt. I called Gavin after talking to Dwayne. I explained to him that my test had come back non-reactive and what that meant. I told him about the conversation I'd had with Dwayne, and I told him that I believe Dwayne told me the truth. Gavin said if I'm satisfied with the answer, then so is he. I hope I never have to go through something like this again.

I would use it, probably on a nightly basis.

So today I went in for a consultation, talked with a doctor about various things concerning safe sex, and talked about the various dieseases they could test for and whether I want each of the tests. I decided to be tested for them all. Dwayne if you're reading this, I'm not writing it to hurt you... I don't know what I can or can not believe about what happened between us. I have asked you to tell me... its your decision to do so or not. If you leave me to put the pieces together with pieces missing, you know they won't be put together right and I'll resort to conjecutre to fill in the gaps. If you want me to know the "full truth" as you put it... you know I've never ignored you. Just tell me. Until then, I don't know what to make of what happened between me and Dwayne. So many things I feel I've been lied to about, I see no reason to trust that I could not have contracted something from him, so I submitted for tests for various stds. I need to know for myself, and I need to know for any future relationship I'm in, that I'm clean. I'll have the results back on Monday. Some positive news, I talked with the doctor about my sonogram results. They found what I had was a small cyst, and that it was going away and, as far as I can tell, its completely gone now. So, good news: I don't have cancer, and the cyst is gone.

If it's not too intrusive, what about the fact that she is a lesbian (and not also bisexual), doesn't that present a problem? LOL, it's ashame gay guys and lesbians can't date. Some of my best (platonic) relationships have been with lesbians. Considering that he just wrote me a letter saying that he won't ever talk to me again because I'm too closed minded to his situation... your guess is as good as mine as to what good he thinks will come of being with her.

My last boyfriend was bisexual and left me to be with his lesbian ex-girlfriend. That's not uncommon apparently... at least the going back to a girlfriend part. I was warned over and over again that dating a bisexual guy was just asking to be hurt. I always told myself they were wrong, that my boyfriend loved me and he'd never leave me like that. Well... I was wrong and they were right. I realize this can't be generalized to all bisexual guys, but from other gay guys I've talked to, the story of Gay guy meets bi guy; Gay guy falls in love with bi guy; Bi guy breaks up with and rips Gay guys' heart to pieces so he can be with a girl.... isn't an uncommon one. Am I swearing off bi guys now? Not yet. In fact the new guy I'm interested in describes himself as previously asexual, now bisexual. Gee... that sounds familiar. Oh well... we'll see what happens.

I guess this is no longer a hypothetical question for me. My boyfriend cheated on me emotionally with his ex-girlfriend... a lesbian who also happens to be mother of his child, and eventually broke up with me so he could be with her. I'm sure she's just playing him, but that's irrelevant. Did it make it worse that it was with a girl? Not really... and hurt as I may be, when explained to me what happened I can't be angry with him. I also can't blame her for making the tactical move of trapping him to her to take care of his son. I can't blame her for the tactic... but Oh how I can hate her for it! I have been lied to so much... by him, telling me that his feelings for her had subsided and that he loved me... lied to by her, as we were trying to work out something approximating friendship while I thought Dwayne and I were going to be together... she told me she had no feelings for him and wouldn't want him back. A simple truth though, is that if your significant other cheats on you, if they're really all that significant, then it won't matter who they cheated with or why... it will hurt, and there is no preventing that.