Razor

Happy birthday!!!!!!!! GFD was one of the first pieces of gay fiction I ever got my hands on, ginormous hugemongous thank you for that. Hope you have a great day! ~tons of hugs~

Hehehe, yeah, I basically was just having fun with the idea of making a self-diagnosis which is exactly what no one should ever, ever do. My real paper shall be based on something different that I thought about the other day.... hehe, but that's a whole 'nother story. ANYWHO! Lubz jooz Kevvers.

I may have already put this here... but too damn bad. ISN'T THIS SONG WONDERFUL!?!?!??!?!?!??!?! :D:D:D:D:D:D Shut Up by Cascada Your looking so frustrating Girls would make you trick You found out what I'm feeling Get it out, play tricks Addicted to my body You dreamed to fit the end After all why don't you understand Shut up Get outa here Don't cry your childish tears I never thought of me and you, My Dear Shut up. Get outa here You've gotta lose your fear I know your mom will cheer you up my Dear Shut up. Get outa here Why don't you disappear I never thought of me and you my Dear Me an ice cold angel And you the fool for love You look like George the 2nd You were not good enough Addicted to my body You dreamed to fit the end after all why don't you understand Shut up. Get outa here Don't cry your childish tears I never thought of me and you, My Dear Shut up. Get outa here You've gotta lose your fear I know your mom will cheer you up my Dear Shut up. Get outa here Why don't you disappear I never thought of me and you my Dear

So I have to write 10 pages worth of a paper for psychology. So far I have almost eight, and I'm splitting it into two papers (that's allowed so long as there's ten pages of text total). This one is a self-diagnosis, which I think is probably the last thing he wants to read, lol. I'm wondering if it's just too much to turn in... diagnosing myself with borderline personality disorder may be a bit weird of a read, but the paper is really vague, it's just supposed to be on how psychology applies to your life and well... um... that's pretty applicable, huh? Well, I'm letting you guys read it. Yeah it's long, kiss my ass, my blog, you read or die! Nah I'm just kidding, skim if you like. Here goes... Life on the Line “Disorder” is a harsh word to use; I prefer something more along the lines of “unique”, or perhaps “different”. After all, if I am correct in my self-diagnosis – as opposed to the possibility of it being self-diagnonsense – then I am part of a select group. According to recent statistics, people who have borderline personality disorder are only two percent of the general population. I am, however, male. Since women are three times as likely to have this disorder, I am conversely three times more unique. Isn’t that a positive spin? The question to be addressed now, I suppose, is why I believe I have this disorder and why I would admit it if I do. Consultation of the DSM criteria is definitely in order. “1.) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.” When I was about eleven, I remember hysterically crying because I believed I had lost the person I considered to be my best friend. He was angry with me for something I cannot recall, and had begun to surround himself with a circle of friends different from my own. Needless to say, I made a complete fool of myself and in the process actually did end up pushing away that friend permanently. Around the same age, I met a cousin of mine who had never visited before; I believe her name was Jenny. Jenny was extremely polite to me, and treated me as an adult even though I was a child. As a child, I was constantly annoyed with the fact that no one treated me like an adult even though I could read, write, and learn better than most adults. I instantly placed her on a pedestal, and when she turned her attention to other people, started moping about until eventually I cried and told her that I felt like she had abandoned me. Those are the two most striking examples of this symptom I can recall. That particular one has been purposefully toned down to nearly undetectable levels as a conscious attempt to make myself appear more normal. The motivation for this is that people tend to like me more if I appear to be sensible and mature. “2.) A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating extremes of idealization and devaluation.” This is a consistent theme throughout my entire life. When I was a child, I believed my father was a great man. He worked off-shore to supply his family with what they needed and always was nice to me when he came home. Eventually, alcoholism took over his life and he lost his family, home, and a vast sum of money; I now think of him as the scum of the earth. I idealize my mother to an extreme, and she is the standard by which I judge other parents. At one point in my life, I found out that my mother was not perfect and became very depressed about it for weeks. I felt betrayed, even though the issue in question had absolutely nothing to do with me. It was as if just by losing her image of perfection, she had wronged me (yes, I have since recovered from that and found a happy sense of pride in my mother for being just the woman she is). Around thirteen I discovered the Internet and became obsessed with having the friendships I craved in real life play out online, and treated instant-messenger conversation boxes like real people. Around fifteen, I found a friend in a girl named Liz, and we became quite close. Every weekend I went to her house, and we talked constantly. I considered her safe, since I had noticed years earlier my attraction to males, and knew she would not care about this. Eventually, I found out she was heavily attracted to me and she fell from her pedestal for a while; again, I felt betrayed even though it definitely was not betrayal. How could she betray the solace of a friendship, pollute something so perfect with stress? I stopped speaking to her for a year after I moved across the state, and finally got back in touch with her recently. This pattern has also occurred with every boyfriend I have ever had. At first, I am extremely interested and affectionate, but after a while I notice their faults and realize that they are not who I had made them out to be in my head. This is something I am still working on coping with. “3.) Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.” Oh, this is a fun one. At different times in my life, I have been a completely different person and defined myself in different ways. Often, these choices are arbitrary or based on some small event which I believed at the time to be life-changing. From birth to around twelve years of age, I was a classic smart kid. I made straight A’s, was years ahead of my grade level, could have competed with high school students on any standardized tests, and was consistently honored for these things. At thirteen, I simply got tired of the role and became a stoner for about a year. I smoked marijuana daily, changed my circle of friends to those who could provide me with it and socialize in a manner which was marijuana-friendly. I got tired of this quickly, and became a more hardcore druggie. I spent one summer doing absolutely nothing but taking massive amounts of dextromethorphan. By the end of the summer, I had grown completely accustomed to taking approximately 1500 milligrams daily. This transitioned into a gothic stage, which came about when I was sixteen. I painted my nails black, began changing my circle of friends, wore dark clothing, and had nothing to do with any social events. The only time I was markedly social was when a close friend of mine who I trusted completely would invite me to do something, which was rare. I moved across state after that, and reverted back to my druggie state for lack of a better choice. After cavorting around with abusers of cocaine, methamphetamine, MDMA, benzodiazepines, alcohol, LSD, and countless other drugs, I yet again got bored. At this point, I decided I would do what no one was expecting; quit slumming around, go to college, and become a doctor (a frequent choice of answer for “what do you want to be when you grow up?”). No doubt I will eventually grow bored of that, but my changes have become less and less drastic over the years so I feel certain that I will be able to cope accordingly. “4.) Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving).” Each boyfriend I have had over the years I have had sex with within a week of meeting. At my heaviest, I was close to two hundred pounds in weight; I now weigh one hundred forty-five as a result of a strict diet and exercise program which led to my mother accusing me of being anorexic when I lost nearly forty pounds in approximately three months. Maybe I was anorexic, but I do not believe I am qualified to go on a tangent on that particular disorder until I consult Wikipedia (yes, that was a joke). My original weight was a result of binge eating; I would not eat breakfast or lunch, but would eat constantly from the time I got home to the time I went to sleep. I have already covered my record of substance abuse. On March 14th of 2006, I was arrested and charged with DUI and driving without a license. The full list of charges that the police and others involved could have pressed on me is as follows: DUI, driving without a license, reckless endangerment, grand theft auto, and possession of paraphernalia. Thankfully I was a first time offender and they warily let me off a bit easily. If none of that strikes one as impulsive, then the fact that I am writing down a story of borderline life in a paper for psychology class surely should. “5.) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars, or picking at oneself.” I outlined my plan for suicide to my psychiatrist on the first day we met. She listened calmly, and I explained calmly and in great detail that a manifold path was the only way to go. She also asked to see my wrists and was hardly surprised to see the crisscross pattern. This sort of behavior lasted for approximately one year, at which point I decided that it was simply a drain on my life that I was not willing to accept or accommodate any longer. I have since had the occasional suicidal thought, sometimes at random, sometimes from a traumatic triggering event. Even so, the simple defense mechanism I employ seems to be effective in preventing any sort of further thinking in that direction; starting at one and ending at one hundred (though I have never had to use numbers past the mid-twenties), I name reasons my life is great. At this moment in time, I cannot conceive of any singular event which would trigger a serious suicidal urge. “6.) Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)”. Intense episodic dysphoria is summative. I described to my psychiatrist how looking into my pack of cigarettes to see that I was down to the last one would set me to crying. When I had to wait to cross a street as a result of unevenly spaced cars as opposed to actual congestion of traffic, I would have an urge to hurl anything I was holding at the idiots holding up my progress. My emotional responses are still, at times, inappropriate to the situation. I have made great progress in this area, though, and I am careful to ask myself whether or not someone else would react the same way. In particular, I select certain people who are models of behavior for me, and ask myself how they would react (for example, my mother or my best friends). If I am still having difficulty in dealing with an inappropriate emotional response, I call one of a few close friends and discuss it until I feel that the issue is resolved. “7.) Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.” This has been a constant in my life, and I have developed coping mechanisms accordingly. Occasionally I will have an instance where the feeling is so strong that it is nearly crippling, and I am completely unable to get anything accomplished. Usually these last no longer than a day, and I simply take that day off from doing anything important. This is inconvenient, I admit, and sometimes I grudgingly work through these episodes, but I find that they pass more quickly and easily if I take a day for myself and pursue only entertaining and whimsical interests. These have come further and further apart, and are usually preempted by a calculated avoidance of stressors which collect until I have no choice but to deal with them. The best solution, I have found, is to deal with each individual stressor as it comes without delay. “8.) Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).” I control my anger quite well as a result of living in a household with a violent alcoholic for years. I have nurtured a sensitive side, and I consistently attempt to consult it whenever I am angry. A highly developed conscience has kept me from violent acts which I might regret. Even so, it does not keep me from inappropriate anger. The example above with traffic while attempting to cross a street is a good one. Once in a cafeteria, I asked a worker to please give me a double portion of an entr

...................you know, we don't like you either! And SOME tobacco smoke is extremely pleasant to be around, though cigarettes are not in that category. Plus, if you have polite smoker friends, they tend to stay downwind on purpose. If the smokers can deal with all of the other people's social annoyances, then they can deal with smokers.

As for physical attraction, I want white boys. Darkly tanned white boys are less attractive to me, too. I don't know why, they just are the most physically alluring for me. That said, personality trumps race, and the right black/asian/hispanic guy I could be head over heels for and think nothing sexier existed.

I'm hairy. It doesn't really bother me. When I was dating Zach and he got me.... well.... less than clothed.... the first thing outta his mouth was "Oh wow, you are furry!" and started giggling when I smacked him. ~shrug~ It's not a plus or minus for me, really. I'm not fond of it on myself. However, I REFUSE to shave all over my body on a daily basis. If a guy has that as a requirement, fine, go do somebody else. One day when I can afford laser treatments, then I'll probably get rid of it where I'm not fond of it. In the meantime, I'm gonna be hairy. Shaving is the most uncomfortable, vile, terrible, awful thing in the world. It only lasts about two days, and after that I start getting the itch from HELL and those wonderful shave bumps. I ain't gonna do that no matter how cute a boy is. I figure that my most important selling point is personality, and body hair hasn't ever really made a big difference to me, so I deserve a similarly minded boy. This is actually something I've thought about a good bit lately, and I'm pretty happy with my decision. Plus, quite frankly... guys with absolutely no body hair look a little f**king weird, lol. I mean, if you have no body hair.... dude.... how am I supposed to know for sure you're a guy? If the facial structure's right I could hook 'em up with implants and never know the difference. Body hair is a natural thing, and as long as a guy doesn't have so much that when I lick around I get a mouthful, it's okay. Oh, and yes, I trim. I also shave periodically so that none of my body hair ever gets to that absolutely disgusting crazy long curly pelt stage. THAT is disturbing, but other than that, it don't bother me. Oh, and sorry boys, but come down south. Nearly every boy I've ever seen without his pants here has had at least a semi-hairy ass. And yeah, truthfully, I find it sorta cute on a lot of them. I'll get pictures. I shall post here later when I find some pictures of the levels of body hair I'm talking about.

Hehehe, YAY! May all your enemies be tortured endlessly and be perpetually in pain! ~hugs!~ Congrats!

................showoff. If I could drink without ever getting a hangover or vomiting, sure, why not, I'd totally be an alcoholic. Sadly, though, with the amount of caffeine I consume on a daily basis I'm constantly not getting enough water, and vodka does terrible things to my body. I don't know why, but the worst hangovers are always vodka hangovers, and unless I drink tons upon tons of water in between, I'm gonna feel like a truck ran me over the next day. It's surprising that no one's mentioned marijuana. It seems to be quickly replacing alcohol as the drug of choice for the moderate peeps. Given that it's got less drastic side effects and is actually starting to be more socially acceptable to have some form of dependency on it than alcohol, I'd think someone would've mentioned it. Yeah, I can't smoke on a daily basis either. First off, parchment lungs, ew. Second, it starts to lose its effect FAST for me, so if I smoke more than once in a good while, it's not fun at all. Third, if I don't know the people I'm smoking with well enough to consider them good friends, I'm gonna be in anxiety hell. While I much prefer it to drinking, both for myself and for those around me, I have the same basic issues with habitual use. Oh, and EW! How can you drink alcohol with a meal?!?! Okay, wine, MAYBE, but when I think about the weird poeple who drink something like cognac with a meal, ew ew ew ew ew I'd vomit just smelling the alcohol. ~shudders~

I very rarely get drunk. I don't know if it's because I'm not overly fond of alcohol, or if it's because I'm not old enough to buy it legally. I detest vomiting. It is, by far, the most uncomfortable, painful, humiliating, disturbingly disgusting of all bodily functions. Plus it hurts like a BITCH. Anyway, that's enough to keep me from getting drunk constantly. If it didn't have that side effect, maybe, but no, I can't deal with puking. It's quite enjoyable sometimes, though, haha. Getting good and polluted always makes for a good story, and it does its job as a monotony breaker. I would just prefer.... other... less vomity things. I'm gonna leave before I contribute to the thread degenerating into this-one-time-when-I-got-drunk stories.

Okay, I think I have (or maybe I've had it for a while) a new one. I fear that I will become as morally bankrupt and soulless as what seems to be the vast majority of people. Yes, weird, but allow me to elaborate. I continually read screwed up things in the news. I was just reading about how a girl in a polygamist setting gave her mother a letter telling her that her father had been molesting her. The mother handed the letter back to her and told her that she spelled 'molest' wrong. Every time I turn around I find out new things about friends/family that really test my love for them. At what point can I stop ignoring the things that might be less than moral about these people, and at what point SHOULD I stop ignoring them? What is the proper course of action in such cases? Am I allowed to interfere with other people's lives? It seems like the more I talk about this idea/theme with other people, the more they give me this look like I'm an idiot. It's like I'm not supposed to be naive enough to believe that people are actually good until I'm proven wrong. Why is that normal? It doesn't make much sense to me, and it truly bothers me more than anything else I've ever encountered. As for the list of things that makes it difficult for me to sleep at night, this damn well tops it. Sometimes I can quiet my mind, repeating "there's nothing you can do about it" to myself, but sometimes I KNOW there are things I can do about it, but I'm not sure if they're the right thing to do. I'm also afraid that I'll become as much of a hypocrite as some people seem to be. I hear people around me criticising the polygamists, or religious right, or whoever else, and I think to myself "How can you say anything about them? I know that you've done or at least thought things on equally shaky morally ground, so how do you have any right to condemn these people?" Anyway, I'll shut up now since there really is nothing to be done about it. It just bothers me far more than it should, I guess, that people seem to be so incredibly blind to their own moral shortcomings. Or maybe they're not even blind, but they're desperately hoping no one else will point it out. ~shrug~

My reply would be an exact echo.

...........................okay, let's try that again.....

Yup, judgment stands, still handsome. Rakuten, I agree wholeheartedly with you. Personality is paramount, far above anything else. It doesn't matter how good they look if they're mean or untrustworthy or anything like that; in my eyes, those guys are fugly.

I just quit smoking. I did it in such a way that I cannot justify buying more cigarettes. There were five left in the pack. That means that I smoked sixteen cigarettes today, since I had one left in the other pack. I crumpled the pack with the five left. That was wasteful, so I can't buy any more. I also gave away my lighter, which is an extra dollar I would have to waste if I were to begin smoking again. I've lost almost forty pounds, and my primary reason for doing it was my health. Mental health, primarily, lol, but physical health was a big motive as well. I can't justify smoking when I'm working to lose weight and build muscle in order to make myself healthy. I've noticed a marked decrease in my lung capacity. After climbing five flights of stairs at a moderate pace, I have to breathe deeply for a minute or so. That is unacceptable, and a big deterrence when I'm excercising. Considering the fact that smoking contributes to every disease that runs rampant through my family, it has to go. I have also noticed that it is incredibly unattractive. For the first time ever, I've noticed that the two fingers I hold my cigarette with are yellow from nicotine stains. My teeth are not the shade they should be. I weighed the pros against the cons, and it's not worth it. If I can make it for a week, it will no longer be a problem for me. If I find myself walking toward a gas station, then I'm going to walk to the clinic and get gum or patches. The real reason I'm making this thread is not only just as a poll for a bit of interesting discussion, but so that I have a concrete reminder of accountability.

Oh wow that was delightful, haha! I'm gonna have to explore that place in more detail soon, but all the Hitler-killing was wonderful. Off topic, but how does that rule go exactly again? The one about how in any given argument anywhere on the Internet, eventually someone will compare someone/something to Hitler? EDIT: Hehe, found it. Please see Godwin's Law for the explanation of the rule, and Reductio ad Hitlerum for the explanation of the associated argument.

Hehe, yah, and next you silly non-Southern people will want a slice of pee-can pie. Yeah, seeing it in writing makes you rethink your pronunciation, don't it? Then I suppose you'll want to go to the store and put pop (cokes) in your cart (buggy).

~comes up, pulls out inkpad and stamp, and stamps Mike on the forehead, which now reads "JSA"~ That was my Jamie-Seal-of-Approval, shmexy.

Angel -Sarah McLachlan (yeah, old, but awesome) Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay There's always some reason To feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction Oh beautiful release Memories seep from my veins Let me be empty Oh and weightless And maybe I'll find some peace tonight In the arms of the angel Fly away from here From this dark, cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You were pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here So tired of the straight line And everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back And the storm keeps on twisting You keep on building the lies That you make up for all that you lack It don't make no difference Escaping one last one time It's easier to believe in this sweet madness Oh this glorious sadness That brings me to my knees In the arms of the angel Fly away from here From this dark, cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You were pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of an angel May you find some comfort here

Y'know, you're pretty damn handsome yourself. Ha, I'm five foot eight on a good day (only when I first wake up, which is why I've always had any physical scheduled for the morning when my vertebrae are all nice and stretchy). I was 185, damn near 190 at my heaviest. Y'know I'm a nervous guy by nature, too. No one likes to talk about it, and no one who hasn't been heavy at some point in their life really understands it, but any time anyone mentions weight, athletics, food, swimming, sex, tanning, shirt size, pant size, or ya pass a mirror, it pops in your head even if it's only a subconscious kinda naggy feeling. I don't even like talking about that sorta thing now because I know what a downer it is. The REAL annoying one is diet tips. "Oh, so you wanna lose weight? I can help! Here's what you do..." I always wanted to punch those people. "No, you mean I should drink diet drinks?! I NEVER would've thought of that! ~smack~ Jackass." Oh, and when people who have never been a pound overweight in their life start remarking about how easy it is for them, that one's annoying too. Big whoop, you have a metabolism... I'm gonna get my degree in microbiology and when you're asleep, I'm going to destroy a tenth of your mitochondria and then shoot you up with some nice thyroid depressing medication, then we'll see who has something to say about how they've never had a problem with their weight so it just must be the person's own fault. Kk I'm shutting up and posting this before I think about deleting it.

Oh wow... ~hides under my computer and blushes until my eyes pop out~ You guys are really nice, lol. AND YOU ARE ALL SEXY BEASTS, RAWR!

Kevvers, this is another reason why I love you. You know how to properly refer to crawfish. Pfft, crawdads... damned yankees... Oh, and I agree with you as far as population control and contraception goes, but I don't think that it's really a viable option at the moment. Of course, contraception is getting much more popular in the developed world, especially now that families are only having one or two children very frequently. Even so, you still gotta find a way to feed what's already here, and we really are making good progress as far as that goes. The fact that the animals even survive long enough to get big enough to eat is a testament to the amount of effort that goes into the process, and then you have all those wonderful things that are becoming more and more common like hydroponic farming and things like that. I forget what it was, saw it on TV years ago, but they'd started growing things like cabbage and whatnot hydroponically, and could grow over three times the amount in half the space it took to do it the conventional way. ~shrug~ I think we're doing fairly well, all things considered.

Okay, today I am grateful for... ATTACHED EARLOBES!!!!!!!! Cause I have attached earlobes and I think attached earlobes are cute. I like my earlobes... yeah I'm weird, but it's fun being me.

Okay, here's a sorta recent picture of me (even if it's bad quality cause all I have is my webcam). Whatcha think? I lost a good bit of weight before this picture was taken, down to about 145ish, which is about right for me.

....the other day, the elevator broke. Drew and I were inside it, lol. The door did not want to open, so we were stuck until campus police got there and got the damn thing open. Oh, another random fear! I can't stand using a restroom if someone else is in it. I don't know why, it just drives me crazy.