Razor

You see someone you want. Maybe you befriend them. They're in a relationship at the time. Are you willing to play dirty to get what you want? Tell the truth. Why or why not?

Warning: incredibly off-topic Hm... you know... this might sound really, really gay.... but... I truthfully don't even know how football works. What I do know is that Brett Favre lives down here, and I want his fence. It's pretty, very tastefully designed. Okay... I'm shutting up. But really guys, it's a nice fence, it lights up and it has those nice white columnar thingies at the gate and yeah... I like it.

................................................................................ .........................................wow I am so not the person to be giving advice on this. I've been reading and all these things have never really worked for me. I'm motivationless, to the point that it's just sad. My only defense against this is..... Procrastination. Yes. I'll finish this post tomorrow. Haha, jk. No, it works, trust me! I wait until I absolutely, beyond any doubt, HAVE TO DO SOMETHING OR THE WORLD WILL END.... and then it magically gets done. That, or I put myself in a position to where I can't not do it. That sounds simple, but it's actually quite elaborate. Think about it. I have anxiety issues. I hate letting people down on a personal level. I also am very lazy and hate certain classes. I really hate history. There's a disabled kid who needs someone to take notes for him... Eureka! I volunteer to take notes for dyslexic boy, and thus MUST come to class or be completely ashamed for letting him down. My fear of letting him down is more powerful than my lack of motivation, and so I end up going to class every day! Voila! This is how I live my life. Now you all see why it gets soooooooooo complicated.

I really want to find me a cute little tomboyish girl to experiment with. I think it'd be fun. Thing is, the only girls I'm ever attracted to seem to always be lesbians. Irony?

Hehe, I hated my therapist. She was all "mmhmm" and "uh-huh". Screw that. I LOVE my psychiatrist. That woman is like the female incarnation of Hannibal Lecter, only she's yet to eat my liver with fava beans and a nice chianti. She knows what I think before I think it, and I love it. She cuts through all the bullshit and sidestepping and goes right for the problems, and no one's ever been able to do that, and I'm too shy and anxious to just spit it out face to face. I was on Prozac once. I hated it. It was awful. Terrible. Vile. Made me INSANE. I was on Zoloft recently. Bout the same as Prozac only I had the sense to stop taking it before I did something really insane. No more DUI's for me, kthnxbai. Now I'm on Wellbutrin. I actually LIKE this one. I could tell a difference from the first time I took it. It helps SO much with my ability to concentrate, and the ability to find a little motivation. I mean, it's not like a miracle or anything and I still have lots of problems, but it's like where there was this absolute wall and total inability to motivate myself to do anything, now it's a little easier. When you go from absolutely no motivation to a little, it's a gigantic improvement. I've been depressed, but I think that the main problem with me has always been anxiety and ADD. When I was little the ADD was actually a blessing because I was actually interested in everything anyone had to say or teach me. Since I was actually intelligent at one point in time, I could absorb stuff just as fast as people could spit it out. Now, though, I'm not interested in very much at all so it takes a TON of effort to pay attention if I don't want to. Plus I think I may have damaged my brain a bit. I reverse words sometimes, and a few other little nifty weird things. Didn't used to do that, so I'm chalking that up to my years as a hardcore druggie. Glad I stopped that before I ended up like some of the burned out old guys I've seen. Anywho, I just think as gay men we're all a lot more likely to develop serious mental issues. Even if they're just natural coping mechanisms gone haywire, we have to respond to stressful stimuli in some manner... and truthfully most of us handle it pretty damn well. We're still breathing, so I say it's a success. Y'know how it goes with the whole glass thing... The pessimist says it's half-empty. The optimist says it's half-full. I've always wondered why no one ever asks if they've got anything stronger.

Of course it's not comparable. That's part of what I said, that PETA are screwy in the head for doing that. What kind of normal, sensitive, sane individual would make that sort of a link seriously? It's just freakish. Now, from a biological standpoint, I must say that you are completely incorrect. If any animal on the planet is out of control in regard to population, it is humans. We far exceed natural carrying capacity, and we're the only animals that can possibly sustain themselves in this manner. Pigs, for instance, would likely exceed carrying capacity for a brief period of time before nature took its course and stabilized the population. As for causing mutations, mutations are exceedingly rare from a genetic standpoint. What you're talking about is natural selection, which is the normal course of nature. The traits that enable the pig to survive more effectively in the wild would be selected for and within a few generations, the pigs would indeed be a bit different. That's not because of mutations, that's because that's how nature works. If you want to get picky about it, we're doing something slightly messed up by breeding animals (and plants for that matter). The pigs we eat are nothing like wild pigs because they've been bred over the course of several generations to be the animals we want to eat. Artificial selection has completely destroyed the natural course of things as far as that's concerned. And again, I'm all for eating meat. Look at your teeth; you were obviously designed to eat both meat and plants. It's one of the amazing points of versatility that makes humans so adaptable. I say kill it and eat the hell out of it. Hell if you want you can go ahead and kill a dolphin or a chimp, so long as you eat it. I don't really care as long as you're not just killing something to kill it. Chimps kill other chimps sometimes, and dolphins have been known to be oddly aggressive at times. Hmph, if you're pressed for food and somebody keels over, eat their ass, too, why not? Be careful about that, though, since cannibalism is really bad for you... there's some kind of disease it causes, I forget. Mmm, meat. As a gay man, I really like that double entendre. I'm just saying that while it's fine to eat meat, you should really take into consideration the fact that the animals you're eating are NOT happy animals. They were in pain when they were alive, and they were very likely in pain as they died. They were shot full of hormones and antibiotics, and fed until they were big enough to slaughter. That's all they were for, food, and it was likely painfully obvious even to them.

....erm, no. Slaughtering animals isn't always "quick and painless". Also, generally the animals used as livestock have awful living conditions, states of being you and I and anyone else would consider absolutely deplorable. From an ecological perspective, no, those populations would likely never be out of control. Point is, it's fine to eat meat. It's not fine to deceive yourself into believing that what you are doing is free of any less savory aspects. Anywho, PETA comparing this psycho to the slaughter of animals is just nucking futs. Bunch of crazies.

James took the words right out of my mouth. It's the invincible factor that does it. You know that you should be using a condom, but somehow that part of your brain that says "hey, this is serious, I could be a statistic if I do this..." is shut off. So, since you feel like God, it really doesn't cross your mind that you're even susceptible to HIV. ~shrugs~ Meth is the common thread I've found in a lot of seriously sad situations, especially involving gay men. Everything I've ever seen just gives me excellent reasons to completely avoid it and those who use it.

I went to football games every Friday night for three years. I still do not know how the game is played. All I know is that when my guy runs across the line with the ball, I play the fight song.

~giggles~ Sorry, I just had to point out what an oxymoron that is. How can just "one" of something be "prolific"? Btw, Kevin's posts are my favorites and I have a tendency to read stuff I've never even considered popping into because I saw his name on the last poster deal.

Lol, yep, and I actually did a nice golf clap for her, too.

Y'know I could SWEAR I posted here before... hm, deja vu and all that weirdness. Aight, so here's the thing... I can't use public restrooms if anyone else is in them. Period. I will literally walk into a restroom and if there's a crowd I just leave and hold it 'till later, or if it's just one person I'll mill around until they're gone. No, I don't know why, it's just... I'm very, very private, especially about bodily functions. It freaks me out a little.

I kind of think that's always how I've received it, with the implication that the fear is because they've come so close to it themselves and are afraid of being influenced. If you just hate something, you never get attached to it, and thus never have to worry about it influencing you... right? This is where I would like to halt the logic train, hop off with a baseball bat, and smack the everliving hell out of anyone who actually came up with that idiocy. Blech. Homophobes are weird, mkay? And truthfully, there aren't TOO many of them left. Also, I don't think it's entirely correct to say a phobia can be "cured". There will always be residual traces of that fear, the occasional relapse into old thought patterns, that sort of thing. Phobias are just too deeply engrained most times to say that they can be "cured", it's more of a patch-job in most cases. Y'know, panic attack to just general anxiety.

Wow. Just wow. Went to the psychowhatsit. I have never met anyone quite like that woman. I'm telling you, it was like I was in Silence of the Lambs from the way she kept asking the exact right questions to get to the exact root of my problems. The woman is the single most competent and intelligent mental health professional I've ever met. In fact, she's the ONLY competent one I've met. Bitch is freakin' amazing. I've never met anyone like her! I know I'm gushing, but omg if she were a boy and a lot younger I'd be like "Yo, we should get married". She had some serious talent as far as psychology goes. Normally, I'm the one steering the conversation. I can go from one topic to another seamlessly and before long have someone talking about whatever I want them to. I just find it pretty easy to do. She's the first person I've ever met who could both counter me steering a conversation and steer it the direction she wanted it to go. Example.... She gave me a huge line of questioning about my father. She thinks that I have serious issues with him and a lot of latent anger, but whatever. Anywho, she was incredibly persistent about it. She cut right through the bullshit and the downplaying and the attempts to gloss over less-than-fun subjects; it was like she knew what had happened over the years and was just trying to make me say it out loud. She also began asking about all of my past relationships. She decided on defining it as BOTH physical and emotional intimacy. In that case I've had like... two relationships... ever. And one of them I wouldn't even count because the entire time it was just the illusion of intimacy anyway. After that, she asked about guys in general, trying to figure out how I view them. I pretty much told her I'd about lost all my sex drive and gotten to the point that I don't really want any relationship because it's just not worth the trouble. So then she starts asking more questions... "So when the two of you parted, it wasn't an explosive event?" she asked me regarding he-who-must-not-be-named. I shook my head. "Nope, we just parted ways. After some initial contact, we just stopped speaking. It's likely for the best," I told her. "So why is that better?" she asked. "It just is, y'know? There's no use crying over spilled milk, and if I kept talking to him then it would've just made me insane over time. That's why I got rid of his phone number, his friends' phone numbers, his e-mail, his friends' e-mails, everything I could." "So why doesn't he contact you?" she asked. "He's not that kind of person. I told you he's got that schizoid personality thing to where it seems like he just doesn't need other people to be perfectly happy. Usually I'd say that's utter BS, but from the way he acts I kind of believe it," I told her. "Okay, so how do you feel about the fact that he hasn't contacted you? Are you angry at him, sad about it turning out that way, what?" "Just... disappointed, really. It's something I'll have to get used to. There'll be a ton of people in the future who disappoint me, and I can't cry for all of them or I'll never get anything done," I said. "Well, you mentioned that you're feeling like you just don't want a relationship. Why do you feel that way, what caused that?" "I don't know. I think I'm just burned out on investing too much into people when I have no right to expect anything back," I said. "So wait, you don't think it has anything to do with being disappointed?" she asked me. "Well of course, but like I said, I'll get over it. He's just one person, there's more in the world." "Yeah, he's just one person, but there've been two men in your life who've let you down in a big way." This is when I looked at her all huh-like. Truthfully I was perplexed at first. I started racking my brain for men who've disappointed me. I am amazed at the fact that I've been able to bury my father so effectively deep in my mind that it's like he doesn't even exist unless someone specifically names him. Finally it clicked with me. "Oh wow, that was psychobabbletastic." See what I mean? This woman has a habit of FORCING me to think about things I purposefully or subconsciously ignore. Speaking to her is like fencing almost. She strikes, I parry, she lunges, I dodge, but in the end she's always going to win because it's almost like a master swordsman toying with someone just learning. I'm just saying that she's pretty f**king amazing. There's lots of examples of this kind of thing with her... another one had to do with the whole thing that happened on my birthday. I got drunk at a friend's house, but then all my other friends vacated. It was just me, Lee, Will, and Kevin. Well, long story short... I made out with both Will and Kevin and both of them did manage to cop a feel. Wow, wait... I just realized where a dream I had the other night came from... jeez weird. Anyway! The weird thing about this is that Will and Kevin's apartment was where we were. They're "not a couple". They sleep in the same bed in the same apartment, but "not a couple". They once were, though. Now that I'm not drunk as hell, I look back, and I'm almost absolutely certain that they were using me and Lee to make one another jealous in some twisted lovers' spat thing. f**K it, though. People do weird shit when they're in love and don't wanna admit it. Lee, by the way, has been firmly placed in the "nope, no thanks" category. We don't click, and I've tried to click with him. He's been evasive and kinda distant. He also asked Paul for Will's number the next day, and sorry, but I don't wanna date anyone who would do that... it's really, really tasteless and whore-ish. Using your friends as hook-up central ain't cool. I just think he's far too oblivious, and I need someone who can keep up with the way I think. Okay, now I'm on Wellbutrin instead of Zoloft. So far I like it a LOT better. I just started taking it but I already feel better and have more energy and I can focus better. I haven't been able to write in my blog for ages 'cause I get distracted or disinterested, but ya see? I'm a good bit better now, hehe. Oh goodness, what else is there to talk about... LOTS has happened, you guys. Ah, well, I'll see you all later. ~hugs~ Have a fantastical day/night/whatever.

There aren't a lot of drugs that can make you truly lose control of yourself. People *say* they lost control, but the truth is that you know exactly what the hell you're doing, you just don't care. Hallucinogens, by and large, are not what people who have never done any drugs believe they are. With hallucinogens it is generally fairly easy to differentiate between reality and hallucinations; there's a distinct difference between the two. It's generally a deliriant that'll screw your world up enough for you to really lose control. That, I think, possibly releases you from culpability but only in very specific, very special circumstances. Ultimately you shouldn't have let another person drug you in the first place. How did they accomplish this? You shouldn't ever leave your drink unattended in public places. If it was at your home, then why the hell was this person there? Did you know them? Did they just rummage through your fridge and plant said drug in your two liter of coca cola? That sounds kind of out there, but really, if you surround yourself with the right type of people there's a lot less chance of something like that happening. Supposing someone did manage to slip you say twenty benadryl or some datura tea (both of which are pretty easy to detect, lol), then you are more than likely not to do anything to harm another person directly unless you're already a pretty malicious person and have that thought in the forefront of your mind already. Otherwise you're just going to probably get naked and fall down. I'm not very forgiving as far as placing blame. Of course I realize that no one's perfect and everyone screws up, which is why I really am a very forgiving and easy-going guy. However, it is STILL your fault, even given the extremely rare circumstances when you didn't mean to do it.

Thanks guys.

What about binge sleepers? I know I have a habit of going to sleep once every other day or once every three days, and it's usually for twelve hours or so (if I'm lucky). If I get on one of my kicks where I just can't sleep, it's quite possible that I stay up for four or five days and then crash for an insanely long time, upwards of 16 hours or more. Also, what about nappers? I know a lot of people who only sleep 2-4 hours at a time, but they sleep more often. I'm really thinking the majority of people don't fit into the six to eight hour a night bracket.

Heaven, by DJ Sammy

You are ultimately responsible for your own actions no matter what the situation, barring that your body is being controlled by someone other than yourself. Since I can't imagine a realistic scenario in which this would occur, my answer stands with "No". If you allow yourself to be manipulated, then that's your problem. Live and learn and don't make the same mistake again.

Delilah, by The Dresden Dolls http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siQ9yPPcG0E...feature=related There's no end to the love You can give When you change your point of view To underfoot Very good You may be flat but you're breathing And there's no doubt he's at home In his room, probably watching porn of you From the fall It's last call and you're the last one leaving And you thought you could the world By opening your legs Well it isn't very hard Try kicking them instead And you thought you could change his mind By changing your perfume To the kind his mother wore Oh God, Delilah, why? I never met a more impossible girl. In this same bar Where you slammed down your hand And said "Amanda, I'm in love" No you're not. You're just a sucker For the ones who use you And it doesn't matter what I say or do The stupid bastard's gonna have his way with you You're an unrescuable schizo Or else you're on the rag And if you take him back I'm gonna lose my nerve I never met a more impossible girl Four o'clock he got off and you called up "I'm down at Denny's on route one And you won't guess what he's done" Is that a fact, Delilah? Larry Tap let you in through the back And use his calling card again For a quick hand of gin You are impossible, Delilah The princess of denial And after seven years in advertising You are none the wiser You're an unrescuable schizo Or else you're on the rag And if you take him back I'm gonna lose my nerve He's gonna beat you like a pillow You schizos never learn And if you take him home You'll get what you deserve I never met a more impossible girl So don't cry, Delilah. You're still alive, Delilah. You need a ride, Delilah? Let's see how fast this thing can go...

I think I should just clone myself. That might be the best way to go about it, because only a big ball of crazy could understand a big ball of crazy.

Golden- by Fallout Boy

If you can read music, then you can get mine. "Shut yo..." and the notes are f, a, c, and e.

OMG ERIC I WANNA DO THE TIME WARP WITH YOU SIDEWAYS YOU SEXY BEAST!!!!!!!!! Maybe just the part between the bringing your knees in tight and doing the time warp again... y'know, the part that really drives you insane? Mmmm, abs, it's what's for breakfast.