Razor

I had a great time at the creek last weekend. Paul invited me, and it was a f**king blast. I got to meet his boyfriend, Levi, for the first time really. I'd seen him around before but never really spoken to him, which is a total shame because the boy is absolutely one of the nicest people ever. He talked me into shotgunning a beer with him after I'd already had SEVERAL, lol. Then he didn't complain at all when he had to help me to my tent because I was drunk enough for the sand to be moving. In fact he actually came up to me and asked if I was okay 'cause I was just laying back on my blanket staring at the stars while they spun, haha, and I was like "I am f**king incredible, just don't touch me". Heh, sounds stupid, but the best friends are the ones who help you up and to the far side of the camp site, knowing the danger of you puking on them lurks closeby. Then the next day we decided we needed to go and grab some stuff we'd forgotten about. Well, we left the campsite in the hands of Troy, who is incredibly flamboyant. We came back to discover... he had... landscaped. Yes, he landscaped the campsite. He'd found two huge, straight branches and tied rainbow flags to both before staking them in the sand. Then, he put up all the tiki torches and got bushes/weeds from the side of the river and mounded sand at the bases so it looked as if they were growing there. He even grabbed a gigantic oak tree branch and stuck it in the middle of all of that like we had a little tree there. It was f**king wonderful, and the canoers going by were just in awe of our decked out campsite with five tents that'd been landscaped. Later that day we had a run-in with an overzealous park ranger. He came up and wanted to know if everyone drinking was of age, and we said yeah. He did not believe it, and prior to his arrival I'd been laying on my back in the sun for about half an hour trying to get less fluorescent. Well, he interrupted my tanning, and then came up to me talking about how my eyes looked glazed and asking if I'd been drinking. I was sober and I damn near told him to go f**K himself, lol. Basically I ended up telling him that if it really bothered him that much that he could damn well breathalyze me but I wasn't going to stand there and let him harass me. He even bluffed about having a drug dog, like park rangers have f**king drug dogs. Riiiight. The clouds then came out, and I was pissed. I was burned on one side, white on the other, and there was no chance of tanning for the rest of the day. The next day it rained, so yeah, I'm still annoyed that I never got a proper tan... will have to start on the other side next time. Soooooooooooo... fastforwarding... Started going to a therapist, who referred me to a psychiatrist here on campus. Well, today I saw her (by surprise, got a call in the morning asking if I'd be willing to move up my appointment). Anywho, her impression was kinda what I expected. None of them ever listen to me, really, lol. They make their own diagnosis based on their own little ideas of their specific lines of questioning, and totally ignore when I try and steer them in another direction. I tried telling her that it's not the anxiety that's the problem, it's the inability to concentrate or finish tasks that's the problem. Still, though... sigh... Her diagnosis seems to be generalized anxiety, with specific emphasis on social anxiety. I made the mistake of letting her know how bad my anxiety USED to be, and she seems to believe that it's still going on. She thinks that I have a phobia of people misjudging me, and while that IS true, it is NOT the reason I came to see her. Plus, I've been fixing that on my own thanks very much, not like I need help with it now that I've damn near gotten over it. Anyway, she also thinks I have a shitload of latent anger that I've been building up subconsciously, and that I don't release my anger. In her words, "But where is all of that anger going?".... I'M NOT f**kING ANGRY YA GODDAMN c**t! <---- hehe, latent anger! No, but seriously, I'm not an angry person by any stretch of the imagination. I've never had problems with anger, or expressing my anger, or dealing with my anger. I don't even really GET angry unless something incredibly drastic happens. The most I ever normally get is moderately irritated and a little grumpy. Anyway, she started talking about medications and at first I was gung-ho about not taking an SSRI. She, however, thinks that my grudge against them all because of bad experiences with Prozac is silly. So now I'm on 50mg of Zoloft daily. Started today, and we'll see how it works out. I still don't get how the f**K this is supposed to solve my problem of being absolutely unable to concentrate or finish tasks, but I'll wait patiently and be a good boy. Next time I go, in three weeks, if I haven't seen a difference in my ability to sit still, pay attention, start and finish tasks, remember what I should be doing, and order my tasks logically... she'll either be prescribing something for ADD and we'll evaluate together whether it's right for me or not, OR I'll be finding a new doctor who actually listens to what the f**K I say. Just because I have a history of drug abuse doesn't mean I'm STILL a goddamn druggie, ya f**king quack. I'd take the shit as directed, I just need some goddamn help staying focused when I'm completely uninterested. She was, however, pretty nice. Made me nervous, I don't like shrinks, but still a nice lady. Less unnerving than my therapist. All she ever says is "Mmhmm". JESUS CHRIST LADY, say something other than a random affirmative! Why the hell am I talking to you if I'm the only one talking? If I wanted to do that, I could do it by myself, I'm really good at running an internal discussion 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, which is something you should really be concentrating on trying to fix. Uggh. I'm gonna make the effort though. I'm not exactly comfortable with it, and I'm damn well not taking the shit for six solid months to see if it starts working like she wants me to. If it hasn't done anything in a month or two, I'm not gonna keep taking it. Wasted money and time. And if it has any side effects like it does for one in three people, I'll stop taking it way sooner. My libido is already low enough, I don't need it any more screwed up. OH, the woman was talking about hyperthyroidism, too! Yeah, it can cause anxiety evidently. I was like oh my god, woman, if I had a hyperactive thyroid I'd be SKINNY and not WORKING to lose weight. Diet and excercise would be no problem. If anything, my thyroid needs a jump start because tons of people in my family have hypothyroidism. She was like "Well you say you went from almost 190 to 145-150"... yeah... um... lady... that's because I never ate anything with carbs, and ran around all the f**king time. That was WORK, and it still came off slow as f**K. Anyway, I'm just frustrated about the whole deal. I'm not wanting to waste my time and energy trying to fix a problem that sertraline isn't going to touch, and I'm afraid that's how this is going to turn out. Other than that... well... there's been another random thought floating around in my head more and more... now hold onto your seat... I'm considering trying girls. Yeah yeah yeah, shut up, I'm serious. I might not be as sexually attracted to them, but they are far more emotionally compatible with me. They're nicer, too, damn it. I'm not exactly sure, but I think that if I found the correct girl then it could happen. All I'm saying is that I'm gonna be keeping my eyes open and keeping an open mind. I know I'll always like guys, but who says I can't experiment and try something else to see if it works? ~shrug~ Why not... I could use a nice total identity makeover, lol. Wow I'm totally borderline. GO ME! LOVE YOU ALL, I'm getting the hell off of here. Gonna maybe lay down for a bit, see ya.

Raro, yours was so nifty. Mine is pretty obvious. I like razors. They're pretty, shiny, sharp, slick, sleek... they're alluring. It's an edge, it's full of symbolism, what more could you want? Razors are seemingly innocent, mostly used for shaving, but the blades are sharp and if you're not careful... well... who knows what we'll do, eh?

Delilah, by The Dresden Dolls

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25272678/ I believe this is a really, really good reason. Wow.

Scratch reading it once in one sitting. I reread it, so that makes the first time I've ever read a book twice in one sitting.

The thing that bothered me was simply the misleadingness, lol. I understand not spoiling, of course, but I would've liked more of the theme, the central idea, the focus, the vibe... y'know what I mean? Each story I've ever read has SOME kind of theme. Even slice of life stories have a theme (well, especially slice of life stories, really). It's really not hard to summarize a theme Cliff notes style. Take the book I just read, A Density of Souls (read it, all of you, or die... I WILL find you if you don't). Theme=the unsettling, terrifying truth that some people, even if only by their very existence, force us to see. Well, one of the themes, anyway, but the most major by far. It would've been more intimate that way... sometimes I don't wanna read something about suicide (although Kevvers, I must say that your story was absolutely excellent), but sometimes I do... it just depends. Also, things like genre and length would be AWESOME. Like I said, I really do understand the difficulty of making a concise and effective synopsis without lapsing into summary... I just wish it could've dealt more intimately with the real essence of the story. Overall, though, I'm just being bitchy and they really WERE a good idea. Good job to those involved, I know it took a lot of work.

We're peas in a pod, darlin'. If the relationship doesn't work out, then yeah, I probably won't be friends with them anymore. It would depend on exact specifics in the relationship... but unless the other person was extremely mature and gentle about things, then it would definitely end in me forgetting they ever existed. I don't necessarily think that's a terrible thing... and if the friendship was really a strong friendship then I think it would stay in place. I personally find the risk to be acceptable in that situation. If I have feelings for a person, they're not going to just magically disappear over the course of a few weeks. I won't be torturing myself being "friends" with someone I want to be more than my friend, either. ~shrug~ I guess the way I think about it is that if I do nothing, I'll probably end up losing them anyway because I'll start avoiding them more and more because it'd get to be awkward and kind of sad to be around them since I like them. Might as well try, at least, at that point.

How very odd... I must have background music if I'm in my room alone. Usually it's something that helps me create the idea/mood/vibe I'm looking for... but I gotta have it. Otherwise I feel stupid sitting all alone staring at Word.

A Density of Souls, by Christopher Rice. I'm not "reading" it. I just finished it. In seven hours. It is the best book I have ever read in my entire life. I don't want to say it has "deposed" Poppy Z. Brite's Lost Souls as my all-time favorite, but... well, sorry Poppy, but you'll have to share first place. Seriously, if you never read anything else in your life, read this. It's been years, and I do mean YEARS, since I've read any book in one sitting other than a Harry Potter book and that's only because I was dying to know what happened for a year in between each one. I'm not kidding. It was amazing, perfect, pristine, divine, f**king incredible. READ IT. I don't remember the last time I was so... struck by writing.

I have just finished reading one of the best books I have ever read in my entire life. It was pristinely crystalline. Perfect. I'm still in shock that it was able to make me not stop reading it all the way through. That hasn't happened to me in years. A Density of Souls, by Christopher Rice It was just... amazing. I saw a lot of things coming, as usual, but it was so detailed, so complex, so absolutely and indescribably perfect! Stephen is perfectly written. All of the characters are, really. It has all the elements of the romantic period; the storm, the foreshadowing, the symbolism, the dark duplicity... AH! ~twitches~ My friend Paul let me borrow it yesterday, and sometime around nine I started reading it. Seven hours later I was finished it, and that's including the time I spent making a trip to Quizno's for food. I don't even know if I can give a decent synopsis. The main theme is how people become desparately terrified of the things other people make them realize, sometimes to the point that they just snap. It's truth, in its most monstrous, frightening, but beautiful form. I've thought about this very theme before, but I was so surprised at how the story articulated it better than I ever have. I'm telling you, for a book to snap me out of the literary distaste I've been in for so long now, it's amazing. f**K "one of", it IS the best book I've ever read. It was perfect, end of story. Read it. I gotta share the beautiful parts... you have to read it to truly appreciate them, but they're gems in and of themselves. You might've seen the poem before... it's been one of my favorites for a long, long time; I knew it came from this book, but a friend sent it to me and I loved it all by itself. Now that I've read the book... god it was just amazing. "Fear cannot touch me, it can only taunt me. It cannot take me; just tell me where to go. I can either follow, or stay in my bed. I can hold on to the things that I know. The dead stay dead, they cannot walk. The shadows are darkness. And darkness can't talk." To a Child Not Yet Born What fires burn the heart, From which God did these agonies start? Our cobwebs strung from death to death Are too thin. Our lies the greatest sin. I will hold you, child not yet born, And tell you not to forget, But not to know. You will soon be dense with memory And your memory dense with souls. What fires burn the heart? From which God did these agonies start? I hold you, child not yet born. Yet I am not your god. Ask me not to stop the pain. The lies I'll offer You need not gain. I cannot tell you how or why. I can only teach you That this world calls for you to cry.

I write whenever, wherever, however I feel like it. The majority is done in my room on my laptop for convenience's sake. A big portion, though, is already done when I go to write it down. Something will happen, someone will say or do something, or I'll be drifting out in lala land somewhere during the day, and all of a sudden I'll have a brain thing and I'll be like "THIS WOULD BE PERFECT FOR MY STORY!" These are usually extremely general, random thoughts or situations or feelings. The tiny details, the real work, comes as I'm writing. I'll have an idea, a direction, some general sense of what I want to happen, and I keep that in mind. Then, when I'm writing, the rest is the easy part because it just sort of writes itself. Description and mechanics are easy for me. What's difficult is knowing what general feel or vibe or idea or whatever I want... I use the word general, but these directory devices are actually pretty complex and layered, and without them I just feel lost if I try to sit and write. A good example is the way I write characters. Joey's supposed to be a jackass. During the day, I see people doing and saying all kinds of things, and if I see something that sparks any creativity or if I think "Oh, that was just so Joey", it gets filed away in the back of my head and comes back when I'm concentrating on the general theme of Joey's being a jackass. So ya see, most of the writing actually is "done" before I start writing. Otherwise.... Libby, if you're anything like me, you'll want to visit a neutral space while in the right frame of mind. It's a fragile thing for me... if I go there the first time and I mean to write but nothing comes out, the place is sort of tainted the next time, and it makes it harder to write there. Anyway, another thing that might help for ordering your thoughts... you ever tried any sort of character/story organization software? I know one of my friends absolutely loves that Felis thing because she gets to concentrate on her characters so much and put together all of the teensy little notes and things she has, so it makes it easier for her to get into the right frame of mind when she's working on her little character list. ~hugs~ Good luck!

This is another good example of a hairy guy who is hot as hell. I just think it's odd how social conditioning has managed to make everybody think hair is bad. Think of "body hair". What's the first descriptor that comes to mind? If you watch a lot of TV... it's probably "unsightly".

These Words - Natasha Bedingfield

Why is it so bad of an idea, logically? I would think that logically it would be a good idea since you'd already know the person well and have a better understanding of how they work; it would be illogical that it doesn't work out so often. Anyway, I really think I would want to be friends with someone before I started to seriously date them. I like having a base to build on, and the hardest part of a relationship is getting a smooth foundation going. -Jamie (who would sex Menzo sideways, for his vocabulary alone)

I gotta say that I wasn't overly fond of them. A couple of them didn't give any info, synopsis, idea... nothing about the story itself. Nothing to indicate whether or not I'd enjoy reading it, at least. A couple others were somewhat misleading. It's a good idea, though. I'm just weird; I don't even like reading the back of a book before I buy it. I just wish they'd have been a bit more informative instead of creative in some instances.

Heaven (the slow mix) - DJ Sammy

LMFAO, James, I love you so much. Thing is I'd have chosen being straight over being gay, given the choice. Would've made things a lot easier for me and truthfully it's really likely I'd be married now, though definitely not have children.

So I went out last night to a house party with my friend Paul. One important fact that I have learned over the years; my favorite alcoholic drink is, by far, the jello shot. Can you think of a more perfect drink? It's not even a drink, it's a snack. That means you can have a drink at the same time. You can't taste the alcohol, only the jello-ey goodness. It's just so convenient, so fun. I will admit that usually I don't exactly have a lot of fun at parties. I'm always either totally bored or just feeling like I know absolutely no one. Evidently this really doesn't matter when I'm drunk enough to come up to people and just randomly start conversations, and they're drunk enough to randomly talk to me. That, and this was the most gay-friendly group of straight people I've ever seen in my entire life. It was damn near creepy. I had a really good time, lol. Met a lot of random people, played around, got tipsy, laughed..... it was a great thing for me. I'm impressed with myself, to tell you the truth. Usually when something's bothering me, it's just impossible for me to be social or have a good time. What with all the recent annoyance, I thought I'd just end up being the drunk guy sitting outside smoking by himself, lol. I think I've finally... dare I say... let go of everything. Like that voice in my head that's been going "It's okay" over and over for the past month has finally gotten through, and now it just doesn't hurt as bad as it did. It's still a little tender, of course, but it's not that shotgun blast feeling, and really it's not much more than a tingley kind of rememberance. You all know how I need validation and other people to help me figure out what my course should be; it's taken quite a handful of friends telling me the same thing to realize that it's actually true. He just wasn't good enough for me. That still feels a little funny to say because I'm always so moderate in dealing with people, trying to hold on to the fact that maybe I would've done the same thing if I were them. I've realized that doesn't always work, though, and sometimes people's motivations or ideas, or even their points of view just aren't quite wholesome. There's nothing wrong with me, and I'm perfect the way I am. I feel sorry for him more than anything else now, because he has missed out on what would have been the best thing in his entire life if he'd paid a little more attention. Yes, I am that good, so blow me. I won't be fighting so much anymore. Still working on it, but I'm beginning to accept the fact that when it comes to other people, I can't change them and I'm not going to waste my time on people who don't want me around. f**K 'em. ~shrug~ From this side of all the events, it's almost funny. It's like he was sent as some sort of freakish lesson so that I could learn to accept things that I can't change. It's not exactly the nicest lesson in the world, but some things aren't the sorta thing you can be taught in any way except through experience. Though if I do turn out to be incorrect and God in the Christian sense does exist, me, Him, and a baseball bat are gonna have a long talk. "Let's send Jamie someone he'll fall in love with but will never feel anything at all for him so he goes INSANE!".... ya bastard. I seriously think, at least at this point, that everything seemed so much worse than it was. I knew it at the time, but it's so difficult to make yourself believe that. Looking back, I realize that I'm better off now, and that a lot of things happened to help me out just by chance. For instance, getting into that Y2I program next year so that I had a great reason to not have him as a roomie anymore, ever again. Learning some of the things I know now really helped, too. Not being around little mister I'm-always-right makes me realize that he's probably one of the only people I've ever met who make me look humble. Anywho, point of this entry was just to rant and let everybody know I'm feeling so much better. I had a great time last night, and I'll be going out again soon. Having friends who're friends just to be friends... I forgot what it felt like.

I absolutely love this group, lol. This Is How It Feels by The Veronicas You keep calling my phone non-stop Don't you know I won't pick it up You never leave a message Look how you've changed You got nothing to say, gettin' in the way Show up at my house Your gettin' so obsessive Like I have time for you Wasn't it me you didn't want? Wasn't it me who was hanging on? Now I'm done but before I go I want you to know ... This is how it feels When you wait for a call that never comes Are you waking up 'cause you miss someone? This is how it feels When the trust you had is broken, And your left to burn with your heart wide open Oh Oh You want to meet up, to tell me why Why and how you had the heart to f**k up my whole life That's just so you And now I've moved on by myself And maybe I won't forgive I'll just forget you lived And I hope it hurts Wasn't it me you tried to blame? Wasn't it me you threw away? But before you go there's something you should know ... This is how it feels When you wait for a call that never comes Are you waking up 'cause you miss someone? This is how it feels (oh oh) When the trust you had is broken, And your left to burn with your heart wide open You taught me how to hate you And I was so in love When I tried to save us it was not enough So what the hell is different 'cause now that I am gone You're crawling back to tell me I'm the one Oh Oh This is how it feels Oh Oh This is how it feels When you wait for a call that never comes Are you waking up 'cause you miss someone? This is how it feels (oh oh oh, oh oh oh) When the trust you had is broken, And your left to burn with your heart wide open Do you only want me 'cause you can't have me? Do you only want me 'cause I'm gone? Do you only want me 'cause you can't have me? Do you only want me 'cause I'm gone? Do you only want me 'cause you can't have me? Do you only want me 'cause I'm gone? Do you only want me 'cause you can't have me? Do you only want me 'cause I'm gone? Oh Oh

Amazing Grace- Walela

That would've only made things far worse. Move from a place where at least people pretended to care to a place where nobody gave a damn? Bad, bad idea. Agreed. I don't really like that phrase... "...this was his own doing in so many ways...". It wasn't his fault. It wasn't exactly anyone's fault, but he managed to surround himself with people who never took the time to look close at him. Maybe they did and he just didn't realize it, but I really think that no one expected him to actually realize that they weren't taking the time to actually be there for him. The sad fact of it all is that the great majority of people really just don't care. Most pretend because they feel like they have to or because it's just the social norm. Truth is, a lot of people just don't realize how their actions and words affect others and their choices. I'm a classic example, lol. People say one thing, it goes through the crazy straw of my brain, and comes out as something totally different. I've learned to just deal with it because most people don't understand at all, or they think you're nuts when you try to explain it. No skin off my back because they didn't pay attention to me; I just won't make the mistake of investing effort in a person who won't return it. Seems like a lot of kids never develop any coping mechanisms for whatever reason. Also, in a world where everything you need is provided for, all you have left to worry about is the last step on that wonderful hierarchy of needs. When love and belonging become your focus in life, you're treading in dangerous water, since the most typical response of others is to not notice you. Excellent, Kevvers. ~gigantic hugs~ I'm quite impressed.

My friend Jim gets all the credit because he's the one who gave it to me years ago. It's far more practical than "Oh, I'm sorry" or "Jeez that sucks" or "Well you should pray more".

You're right, Kevin. Friends don't need to be proximally close. They do, however, need to be emotionally close. I can't do friendships where it takes me a year to find out anything personal about a person, and then I only find out anything by sheer intuition and logical prowess..... meaning if they don't tell me, it doesn't count for shit when I find out myself. That's just how I am. You can't be my friend if you don't trust me or need me or are untrustworthy or never accepting of my help. He's truthfully not a terrible person. If he were, it'd make it a lot easier to just hate him and move on from all of it. However, I can't be around him.

New York is a decent possibility for me... I have a friend in New Jersey I've been meaning to visit for ages. Also it'd be great if it were late summer, like July-y. I'll need some time to come up with enough money to go, lol. I really wanted to go this year, damn it. 'Twas just a very inconvenient time, what with being broke and in school.

Hehehe, why thank you darlin'. I'm working on the next chapter now, might have time to do it over the weekend. I've got tons of stuff to study for betwixt the writing... enough biology to make me wanna scream and go axe-murderer on teacher-guy.