Razor

Joey lay on his side sliding between sleep and the waking world. Words were hazy, sounds so far away, comprehension slow. He could feel his heart beating slower, his muscles completely slack, and his lungs moving at a snail’s pace. The state was almost heavenly as images flowed through his mind, half-dreams that teased his imagination. A crash from the kitchen made him stir, and he was instantly saddened by the loss of his dream realm. The sheets were too warm now, not the soft haven they’d b

Not An Addict - Fiona Apple Breathe it in and Breathe it out And pass it on It's almost out We're so creative, so much more We're high above, but on the floor It's not a habit, it's cool I feel alive If you don't have it you're on The other side The deeper you stick it in your vein The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain I'm in heaven, I'm a God I'm everywhere, I feel so hot It's not a habit, it's cool I feel alive If you don't have it you're on The other side I'm not an addict. Maybe that's a lie. Sober now, I'm cold, alone I'm just a person on my own Nothing means a thing to me Nothing means a thing to me It's not a habit, it's cool I feel alive If you don't have it you're on The other side I'm not an addict. Maybe that's a lie. Free me, leave me Watch me as I'm goin' down And free me, see me Look at me, I'm fallin' and I'm fallin' It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive, I feel... It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive It's not a habit, it's cool I feel alive If you don't have it you're on the other side I'm not an addict. Maybe that's a lie.

There's a Fine, Fine Line - Avenue Q There's a fine, fine line Between a lover and a friend There's a fine, fine line Between reality and pretend And you never know till you reach the top If it was worth the uphill climb There's a fine, fine line between love And a waste of time There's a fine, fine line Between a fairy tale and a lie And there's a fine, fine line Between "you're wonderful" and goodbye I guess if someone doesn't love you back It isn't such a crime But there's a fine, fine line between love And a waste of your time. And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore I don't think you even know what you're looking for For my own sanity I'm gonna close the door and walk away There's a fine, fine line Between together and not And there's a fine, fine line Between what you wanted and what you got You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time Still Hurting - The Last Five Years Jamie is over and Jamie is gone Jamie's decided it's time to move on Jamie's got new dreams he's building upon And I'm still hurting Jamie arrived at the end of the line Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine Jamie's probably feeling just fine And I'm still hurting What about lies, Jamie? What about things that you swore to be true? What about you, Jamie? What about you? Jamie is sure something wonderful died Jamie decides it's his right to decide Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide And I'm still hurting Go and hide and run away Run away Run and find something better Go and ride the sun away Run away Like it's simple, like it's right Give me a day, Jamie Bring back the lies Hang them back on the wall Maybe I'd see How you could be so certain That we had no chance at all Jamie is over and where can I turn? Covered with scars I did nothing to earn Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn But that wouldn't change the fact That wouldn't speed the time Once the foundation's cracked And I'm still hurting ^----The fact that it has my name in it, I must admit, is a plus. But it's such a pretty, emo song. Both of these are, lol. If you wanna giggle, though, you can always check out other Avenue Q songs if you've not heard them all a billion times already. The More You Ruv Someone is my favorite funny one.

Happy birthdaaaaaay.

So I'll start by explaining yesterday, which exemplifies why I often lose all faith in people, lol. Liz's ex, Pete, came to stay with us for a couple days. The reason for this is that their mutual friend is the Romanian guy, Adrian, who once hit on me while he was incredibly inebriated in that thick accent of his, proclaiming "Motherf**ker! My parents hate me! I want to f**k you!" Most awkwardly hilarious thing that's ever happened with a guy, just sayin'. Adrian jumped in front of an eighteen-wheeler recently. Being that they're two of the people that knew him the best and cared about him the most (at least supposedly on Pete's part), it would be natural that Liz would want him around while she's trying to make some sort of peace with the fact that he's gone, forever. Pete is the ex that broke Liz's windshield and her ribs. This happened a good while back, but it still made me want to hate him immediately. However, Liz asked me to be nice and not kill him and stuff him down the garbage disposal piece by tiny piece, so I decided that I wouldn't. I did, however, consume copious amounts of alcohol because it is the most incredible social lubricant in the world, and makes even people I loathe almost tolerable. So, whilst we consumed a case of beer (which was sort of disappointing considering as how I couldn't seem to drink fast enough while he talked, lol), he spewed on and on about how much he was still in love with Liz, and wished so bad that he hadn't f**ked it all up, and that he regrets it every day and is certain he'll never feel the same way about anyone else. He even wrote her this long letter that he left for her; he read it to me, and it was all I could do to refrain from running over and deleting it and rewriting it, because Pete is an awful writer. Seriously, how can the sky cry pollinated tears? Pollinated? Did you mean polluted? Because I think perhaps you're so polluted that you got the words mixed up, jackass. Anyway, so at the time I just really felt sorry for him, because he'd been trying so hard to be really nice to me, and I started to think that maybe he wasn't such a horrid human being after all, so I started being genuinely nice back. Then he starts talking about wanting to kill himself. I spent a couple hours playing therapist, pointing out reasons he should be alive, and pointing out things about he and Liz that he's not perceptive enough to catch. I remained mostly neutral on the issue of he and Liz getting back together, because I was still wary of that. Seriously, who wouldn't be knowing that he smashed her car AND her? Well, after playing therapist, I was a little buzzed and very tired from not sleeping much the night before, so I went to take a nap. I wake up at about ten that night to Pete, Shannon, Jillian, Dustin, and Nick coming in my door. My initial reaction is one of being invaded; this is my HOME, just who the hell said all of you could barge in here, especially while I'm trying to get some decent sleep? That went away, but then Shannon said something about my job hunting and my reaction was that she was being demeaning about my failure to be gainfully employed yet. Then, I realized she isn't either, and I felt better because it means that it's the pot calling the kettle black. Dustin told me I "look a lot bigger than when I saw you last". Thanks for noticing that I gained back fifteen to twenty pounds, you insensitive bastard. Now I won't eat for two weeks. I then check my text messages and realize that the reason they all showed up is that Pete supposedly tried some method of committing suicide and they all came up here to get him and take him back to H-burg, thankfully. Liz finally gets back, and looks at me weird, then looks at Pete, and then back at me. She wouldn't tell me what she was looking so weirded out about, that is, until they finally all had the courtesy to vacate my f**king house with the crazy bastard in tow. Liz then informed me that Pete told her a lot of things she thought were very, very fishy. He said that we had been talking about her, suicide, and various shit; true. He then said that I told him he should just go ahead and kill himself; what the f**k?! He also stated that I revealed to him that I didn't intend to ever get a job, pay rent, and intended to mooch off of Liz indefinitely. Okay, what the hell, because Liz has already tried to tell me I don't have to help her with rent and bills but I refuse not to since I'm living here indefinitely with her, even if she did pick this place because it's maintainable if/when I leave. I am seething mad, because it's a great example of what people tend to do to me constantly for whatever reason. They act sweet, caring, and friendly to my face, then mercilessly rip me apart behind my back. Then they show up and pretend to be my friend. If he ever shows up to my house again, I'm calling the cops and telling them he came after me and I had to stab him to keep him off me. Lie for a lie, bitch, and you DO NOT mess with the best friend I've ever had in my life. Today was productive. I woke up, and cleaned the entire apartment top to bottom because Liz had been talking about cleaning (even though not much was really dirty). Today she didn't have to go in until four, and she's been working like fifteen hour days. Thus, I figured that if I cleaned everything incredibly thoroughly, like so much so that anything conceivable would only be re-cleaning, then she wouldn't be able to waste her half a day off working her ass off for no good reason, and she would relax. I was semi-right. She got up and was productive, but she did things for herself specifically, like clean her car and wash some of her clothes (which I also would've done if I'd had quarters, lol). After that, I set out job hunting hardcore. I've applied at several places, and lots in the mall. I'm almost certain I have a job at a cookie store; the lady liked my shiny happy demeanor, and said the only thing is that I'd have to not have my eyebrow ring in while working since it's a kid-friendly place and we live in MS. The Underground seemed interested since I told the guy I really can work however much they want, whenever they want. A lady at the pizza place was so sweet to me. She said she wasn't hiring for a while, that she was sorry, but that I should check with customer service because there was a list of places hiring and the positions they need. I was thrilled at this, and got to go through a big notebook of possible job opportunities after I thanked this woman profusely and hopped over to the customer service desk. Now, I am scheming. Bigtime. I looked at two jobs in specific that I would KILL for, but I don't exactly meet what they want as far as experience goes. The one I really, really want is at Sleep Number, the place that sells beds, as a sales rep. They say that I should have a year or two of sales experience with big ticket (over 100 bucks) items, and any other qualifications would be a serious plus, like managerial or retail experience. To apply, all I need do is e-mail a copy of my resume to the owner. Tomorrow I will be calling in favors from all of the business owners/managers/professionals I know. I am certain that a few at least would help me bend the truth a little to make it sound more tailored to what Sleep Number is looking for in a sales rep. The others will at least be very convincing references; who doesn't find doctors or lawyers or managers of theatres or business owners a bit convincing? My first boss would gladly make it sound like I was at least a shift manager and handled a lot of responsibility, even if only in foodservice. Liz, who manages a restaurant, would gladly tell them what a hard worker I am (which is true). My mother I'm sure I could convince to make it sound like I handled customers for insurance, which I think counts as a big ticket item; I couldn't convince them I was ever an agent and it would be stupid to try, but I could make it sound like I was the person who pre-handled them, helping them decide what kind of insurance exactly they needed and was best for their situation. My friend Robin could vouch for some managerial experience since we ran a successful and popular website together, and make it sound like we gave tips on and assisted people on a personal level with bettering their writing skills. I might could talk my friend Bennie, who manages a FedEx, to help me out in some way, at least be a character reference. Long story short, NO, I'm NOT actually qualified in the way they want me to be, but damn it, I WOULD SELL BEDS, lol. That's really not that hard, especially when a big part of my clientele will likely be middle-aged to older women draggin' in their hubbies; women, especially lil old ladies, tend to really like me. I was also a psych major, so I have a good deal of experience and education dealing with people and figuring them out on a personal level, which I think is a huge plus for a sales position. I really want this job; it comes with health/dental/life insurance, a 401k plan, discounted merchandise (hey, my family and friends might need a bed sometime), and salary PLUS commissions. I really will do whatever it takes to fudge up a passable resume and do my damndest to charm the hell out of whoever interviews me. Another job along the same lines is an assistant manager position at Buckle. They want someone with managerial experience, which is where Debbie would really come in handy, because she would totally claim me as a shift manager or something like that. It's also the type of job where it's not a cold throw-in thing; I'd work with the full manager, learn what they expect, help direct and maximize sales, and all that jazz. It also comes with benefits, and I do like the sound of a 40% discount on all merchandise. Yeah I know, right, it's like friggin' half off, lol. My only real worry with this job is that I'm not skinny, pretty, and fashionable enough. I would so work my ass off for it, though, lol. I'm convinced that if I play this just right, and get the right people to back me up, I can pull it off. I know that with the sales rep job, I could learn very quickly and do well enough that they wouldn't fire me immediately at least. The assistant manager position at Buckle is trickier, but the way they worded what they were looking for and job expectations, I'm sure that I could learn fast enough to look like I'm just adjusting to working as an assistant manager in retail as opposed to foodservice, especially if the full manager is going to be helping me learn what they expect my responsibilities to be specifically. I need this break so bad. I would be okay working at the cookie place, and if these two don't go through at all, then it'll be okay. But guys, I would feel so much better about life knowing I had a truly decent job as opposed to a really low-level foodservice job. I would have insurance, and not have to worry about the next time I get bronchitis or when I go get my meds having to cough up 110 bucks. With a 401k, I would feel more secure. With salary, I would know I would make money, and with commissions, I'd be constantly motivated to do my best at my job and sell every mofo that walks in a bed. I could pay rent, pay off my credit card, pay off my computer, all that. I could actually get my mom something decent the next time her birthday or Mother's Day rolls around instead of calling and being like "I love you, but I'm a destitute dropout failure who can't afford to even get you Wal-Mart jewelry". And the really big one... I could get a car. Wish me luck, please, and if you have ANY ideas or advice, PLEASE don't hesitate to tell me. I could use all the help I can get with this, and I'd be forever grateful regardless of outcome. I was reading this silly book of quotes, but I picked out some that I actually kinda like. Feel free to stop reading here, because from here on I'm just listing the quotes, and I know this was a crazy long entry already. People don't just go to work to acquire, they go to work to become. -Dan Zadra Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is. It is her shadow. -Ambrose Bierce Give me a place to stand, and I will move the earth. -Archimedes When written in Chinese, the word crisis is composed of two characters. One represents danger and the other represents opportunity. -John F. Kennedy I do not know the secret of success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone. -Bill Cosby Knowing others is wisdom; knowing yourself is enlightenment; mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. -Lao-Tzu The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person. -Vi Putnam One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. -Henry Brooks Adams When you were born you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die the world cries and you rejoice. -Ancient saying from India Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it. -Dwight D. Eisenhower We have not inherited the earth from our fathers, we are borrowing it from our children. -Native American proverb (it reminded me of Liz, hehe) Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. -Alexis Carrel If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of Heaven and Earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well. -Martin Luther King, Jr. We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -Mother Theresa No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently. -Agnus De Mille When you do right, people will look at you and say 'atta boy. When you do wrong, people will look at you and say ah shit. Always remember it takes at least three 'atta boys to make up for one ah shit. -Only good piece of advice my sperm-donor ever gave me Might as well just let the wind blow. -My Pepaw's words to my mother while my dad ranted about something stupid

Love you all. Thanks.

Ironically enough I think perhaps my first one was daddy. My older sister's was flower. Personally, if I could go back knowing what I know now, I'd have totally made it more interesting. Maybe drop the f-bomb for a first word, or belt out pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicavolcanoconeosis.

I've only once really thought about it so much as I have now. That was a long time ago, though. Now, I'm not sure what's going on in my head. Nothing's the way it should be, and everyone except Liz hates me or thinks I'm this pathetic druggie loser. I'm tired of it, ya know? It's just not right. No one really cares except a few, select people. Normally, when you hear people considering what I'm considering talk, they latch on to those "few, select people". It's like the opinion of one or two or maybe even three people can change the world, make everything okay again. That's just not the way it really is, that's a romanticized version of the truth. The truth is that I focus more on the tons of people who hate me, who think I'm a pathetic excuse for a person, who wish I were gone... And I think it'd be better to just be gone. I keep running, but my running never lets me run far enough. Maybe I could fix it. Maybe I could just go swimming tonight, and while I'm swimming, take a nice dive. Maybe breathe in deep while I'm under water. I don't know, really, but wouldn't it be better to just not exist as compared to existing and always thinking everyone hates me? The only people that really care about me are Liz and my mom. Two people out of this vast, wide world we inhabit. That's all. That means.... Only two out of billions actually want me here. What the hell? I'm so sick of waking up. Every time I do, I wake up to the fact that I'm a failure at everything I set out to do. When you REALLY take that into account, and stop trying to cover with the politically or socially correct bullshit excuses that life is sacred, what the hell is the point of waking up again? When the only thing I look forward to is being unconscious, why should I ever be conscious again? It's so stupid, y'know? It's such a waste. Someone else would appreciate what I have more, someone else could use it more, and someone else probably needs it, and all I'm doing is wasting it. Don't I have not just a compulsion, but a RESPONSIBILITY to end it? Isn't it something that I don't just want, but have an obligation to do, for the greater good of everyone around me? They'd be better off without me, and I KNOW that's the truth, so don't even say anything to the contrary. It's all so silly and useless. I want to just stop, just end it, just quit being. There's no reason to keep going. No job, no education, no friends, no family, no amusement, no satisfaction. I'd dare anyone to give me just one good reason to keep breathing, because I know, in my heart of hearts, that they can't. It's so dumb... so stupid.... such a waste. I fail at everything I do or even try to do. I even fail at committing suicide because as many times as I've tried, it's never worked. What kind of pathetic bastard can't even succeed at ceasing respiration? It's just sad. If I manage to make it to the pool tonight, I'll be happy. You know, I might just walk out of here and start hitchhiking. Maybe I'd eventually end up someplace where I didn't hate myself and everything around me. Even if I didn't, maybe someone would offer to help me avoid having to deal with it again. Ya never know.

The one that's on a TV in someone else's house, because then I don't have to stare at it wondering what the hell is wrong with everyone's foreheads. JK! ~runs to avoid the wrath of the trekkies~

You're pretty. And I adore your eyebrow ring.

Ya makes me smile! That is all, really. ~gigantic hug~

So, today, I've decided it's probably a really good idea to completely f**king redo myself. From the ground up. I need drastic change. Soooo.... what shall I talk about.... My misadventures with manhunt.net. Omg. This site is the bomb for ego boosting, however, BE CAREFUL. What do gays and women have in common? They lie about their weight. Just sayin'. Also, they tend to not be very interesting. Even so, zomgz, I've met so many nifty people. My friend Matt that runs the Saengar theatre in Hattiesburg? Met him on manhunt. Actually sorta played therapist to him for a bit before he and his man broke up and he's been doing great ever since. Worried I might've spurred on a manic phase in a bipolar person, but I dunno that he's actually bipolar, maybe he's just elated at the freedom since they'd been together for five years. Anywho, I'm random... I know this... but I feel the need for a change coming on. Something new, interesting, entertaining. Actually, I believe what I will do from now on is work and write. Lol, yes, I might be insane. I may have thrown away a golden opportunity... 'cause I'm totally withdrawing from USM for at least a year.... but f**k it. I want to feel alive again. I wanna go to work at Steak Escape and draw a paycheck, preferably with some overtime hours. Also, I want to finish one of the novels I've been working on for ages. I want to relax. I want to re-dye my hair. I want to go to the gym here religiously. I want to weigh 125 pounds. I want to throw away most of my clothes and start collecting a new wardrobe, because mine is abysmal. Also, so this is gonna sound weird, but... does anybody know anything about escort services? I figure there should be a market for me to be an escort... for male or female, I can handle getting paid to be conversation and arm candy... ~shrug~ Perhaps I'm just really, really odd, but I think it'd be fun. Okay, so now I am totally at a loss as to how to end this blog. I guess.... well, my apartment is almost completely put together. It's becoming quite pretty!! I'm very fond of it, and I like how it's slowly but surely becoming a home-like place. Liz and I are thinking we'll invite people over for Thanksgiving when that rolls around. We're both still on edge from school and the random crazy shit that's happened lately... such as one of our friends committing suicide by jumping in front of an eighteen-wheeler. Things like that take a bit of recovery time, but I really think that this'll be great for both of us. Everything should be okay. I really hope so, because I am so afraid I'm gonna fail at even existing. I'm so close to freedom. It's gonna be great.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo A lot has changed. I realize full well that I have borderline personality disorder, but there has been another drastic identity change. My mother and I had a talk after my last nice big nervous breakdown involving drugs, alcohol, bad grades, failed relationships, and general ennui regarding life, and she told me that I try to hard to make everyone else happy. Thus, I decided that I'm allowed to do whatever I want to do and that there is no impending doom that will happen if I fail or mess something up or don't make someone happy. Btw, yes, that is a very real thing when people with anxiety disorders tell you about it... you constantly feel as if there's something about to absolutely destroy/ruin/f**k up/torture/maim/break.... it's a sense of impending DOOM that is there all the time. SO... I'm withdrawing from school. I'm moving to Jackson for at least the summer. I'm going to work and sleep and be happy. Then I'm going to write, like I've always wanted to do, like I've always put off because everyone told me I'd never make any money with it or get anything out of it. Even the nice people were like "Well you could always major in English and do technical writing..." NO! That's not what I want! I realize that life is a balance between what you want and need, but goddamnit, if I'm considering jumping off buildings because I can never do what I want because I'm always worried about making everyone happy and proud of me and doing what I'm "supposed" to do... then what the f**k, pray tell, is the point? I'm sick of trying to please everyone. My whole life seems to have been planned out for me. Every time there's a deviation from the plan, I feel like I've failed everyone and f**ked up everything. It took FOREVER to be okay with being gay because that was a huge screwup with the plan. I was supposed to be a straight, married, 2 children-having, God-fearing, sane, successful architect. I AM a gay, single, childless, atheist, insane, unsuccessful dropout. I ACCEPT THIS! No one else can! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? They aren't me, and the only thing that matters at the end of it all is whether or not I did what I wanted to in life. I don't want to end up like everyone else I see around me; middle-aged or older, completely miserable, but still drudging through life and trying to convince themselves that they did the right thing while the regrets they have gnaw at their sanity. Apparently a major part of the therapy for borderline people is radical acceptance, meaning TRUE acceptance. Not the acceptance as a path to change. Acceptance as accepting what you are, who you are, where you are, how you are, how your world is, everything. TRULY making yourself KNOW that it's okay to just BE. Another major part is the movement toward synthesis. Think of an equilateral triangle with the third point at the top in the middle. The top point is synthesis. The bottom left is thesis, bottom right antithesis. The idea is that thesis and antithesis are opposing modalities, goals, paths, identities, whatever. It's a CHOICE, a decision. Borderline people get stuck between thesis and antithesis, always going from one extreme to the other in search of their definitive, validating choice. The idea is to break this cycle through radical acceptance and reach synthesis, or the merging of the thesis and antithesis to relieve cognitive dissonance. So.... It's all okay.

Not knowing who I am and what I want. I contend that these fears are perfectly rational, though.

I got sick of being the same person. Borderline personality disorder. I've dyed my hair purple, chopped most of it off, and changed my display name here... among MANY other things. I can't be the same person for too long. Sorry. Keeping an identity is boring and overrated.

Intolerance? Truthfully, anyone who can get offended by a statement like "I don't like bi" has no right to call anyone intolerant. "Tolerance" is subjective, and people should realize that words are words. As long as I'm saying "I don't really go for bi guys", and not running around hitting bi guys, then everything's hunky dory. This sort of thing is only inflammatory because people are overly politically correct. "Fighting against intolerance" has always made my stomach turn a bit. The moment people start trying to do that, they start shutting up other people, which they have no right to do. You're always allowed to have your own opinion, but you're never allowed to take anyone else's away, no matter what you think about it. Perhaps people should start trying to move beyond "tolerance" and toward "acceptance"? The implications of the t-word are disgusting.

Truthfully, that's exactly what I'm saying. In our culture, you can't expect to be successful as a public figure without looking good or having a VERY unique and effective style/image. You have to be sexy on some level, and pretty as well. I don't condone or endorse it, but I know it's true. The woman has never stood any real chance until now. The reason she's getting a chance now is because people feel sorry for her. She does have talent, even if it is unpolished, but she's not attractive. People are choosing to concentrate on her talent and personality (if indeed she does have the one she seems to have), because they identify with her. How long can that last? It SHOULD last forever, but it won't of course. I hope she does wonderfully and is completely successful, but the sad and hard truth is that she's absolutely screwed unless she plays the sympathy/identification factor. Wow I'm such a downer, lol. All I'm sayin' is while I'm rooting for her and hoping she makes it big, I know that people are dying for the chance to rip her apart as soon as the crowd that's identifying with her plight stems. All that's keeping the bitches and critics at bay is the horde of people saying "I DARE you to mess with her, because I AM her, and I will END you".

She wasn't WONDERFUL... but she was damned good. It's so sad that she's 47 and not polished. If she were 27 years younger, 50 pounds lighter, and had an eyebrow wax... she'd have it made. Sooooo rooting for her. ~sigh~ People deserve a decent break at least once in their lives. And I did see this a while back, and was impressed by her. Thought they were gonna rip her apart and was wincing at first. Hehehe, btw, Paul Potts... found him a bit overrated. He should not have been singing Nessun Dorma. In fact, no one should ever sing it again, because against Pavarotti, everyone sounds laughable. It's just one of those songs that is a huge no-no, regardless of who you are. He was good, don't get me wrong, but I think it was poor choice on his part.

Hahaha, I seem to always have fading hickeys lately. And Joe!!!!! Zomgz you pulled a me!!! You're a make-out-whore!!! ....so at this one party, apparently I told girl-Jamie's boyfriend Luke that I was straight and that it was all a ruse to get girls. I made out with girl-Jamie at that party. Which is why I don't drink so much anymore, hahaha.

Everyone's so adorable. Me and Kevin (mah man) being dumb at card night at my friend Leah's house... http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc...262616_4556.jpg He tackled me. Then hugged me. http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc...262615_4251.jpg Me and my name-mate, girl-Jamie... http://photos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc...262610_2669.jpg Be nice, my face was broken out and my hair was nutso, plus Kevin managed to pick the angles that make him look the weirdest.

So last night was a big eye-opener for me. I really do love Kevin, he's amazing as hell. Makes me crazy happy, and he's so damn sweet to me. Even when he kind of annoys me, it's so easy to just put up with it because all I have to do is think about how happy he makes me at other times, and the little annoying things just don't bug me so much. I'll be living with my best friend over the summer. I'll miss living with Kevin, 'cause that's what I've been doing for all practical purposes, but I'm looking forward to living with Liz. Another one of my best friends ever is thinking about living with us and will at least be visiting. It would be absolutely amazing to live with my two best friends in the entire world. I really can't fathom how I could be more happy and comfortable and just... right. At this point in my life, this mix of relationships is the perfect thing for me, and I think that it will really do wonders for me. First, there's Liz. She's amazing. She's the most dependable, trustworthy, hard-working, reliable, loyal, sweet, adorable person I've ever met. I would not hesitate to put my life into her hands. Last night we were sitting outside smoking and drinking a beer whilst Kevvers was inside sleeping, and it was just so right, and when I told her that I really do trust her that much, her words were "You better! I'd kill for you, bitch!" She makes me extraordinarily happy, and she always has my best interest in mind. I know she'll do her best to take care of me, and I'll do my best to take care of her, and that just makes me warm and fuzzy to an extreme. Next, there's Todd. I've known him since I was fifteen. I love him like a brother and best friend, even though I'd totally have married him if he'd have gone for it back when I had a crush on him (WAY back in the day, lol). He's been one of the few constant supporting figures in my life, and I feel like I can trust him with my deepest secrets because I know he'll never judge me for it and he'll always tell me the absolute truth of what he thinks, no holds barred. It's his honesty, integrity, and loyalty that make him so wonderful. I'm so thankful that I've had him to talk to during the times in my life when everyone else is distant, when my friends have become acquaintances or even enemies. Then there's Kevin. My first boyfriend that's actually made it through more than a few days of my crazy, and made me feel like he honestly and truly cares about me. I've always been pretty sure that I cared deeply about the other person, but he's managed to convince me that he really cares about me, which is a first. These people are just incredible. If I had them all around me, interacted with all of them intimately and in close proximity on a daily basis, I really dunno how I could be happier. They're my favorite people in the world. They make me feel special, which isn't easy. I want so badly to make them happy, to care for them, to be supportive... to just be a good friend to them. Now, through this bout of euphoria, the villainy of the f**ked up world we live in did briefly rear its ugly head. I can't really wrap my head around this... because truthfully it ties into the really deep-seated fear and lack of understanding I have for pedophilia... but anyways. Someone very important told me about his first time. He seems to be very well-adjusted with it and not at all unhappy about it, and in fact he told me he enjoyed it and doesn't feel bad about it at all, so don't freak or anything as far as his mental state 'cause I think he's okay. Anyway, it was on his tenth birthday, and with his older brother who was sixteen or seventeen at the time. I just have trouble understanding exactly how he could be okay with that, and not feel guilty or betrayed. It... freaks me out... lots. I mean, that whole natural curiosity and obsession with understanding people and why they do what they do is questioning how he feels about it, why he feels that way, why his brother did it, what his brother was really motivated by, etc. Also, if it makes any difference, they're not related by blood, he's adopted. Anyways, that's just been weighing on my mind a bit, and I've been trying to analyze it and understand the mechanics of what was going on a bit better and really understand how he feels about it in particular. Enough of that now... 'cause that's such a heavy topic for a day when I'm in a really great mood. My friend Marti has a performance she wanted me to go to at 7:30 tonight, and I'm washin' clothes at the moment. After that, I'm going to SLEEP. I'm exhausted, didn't get much sleep last night and three exams have taken their toll. More good news is that I'm down to 131.8!! Only 6.8 pounds from goal weight! YAY! I've decided that when I can see my abs, which I'm absolutely certain will be at 125, I'll start changing my diet to a high protein one with a decent amount of complex carbs, and low fat, then start putting weight back on slowly as muscle by going to the gym. I'm way too much of a wimp. Kevin only weighs 112 pounds, and I picked him up while he was asleep to carry him to bed last night, and seriously struggled with doing that without jerking him around and waking him up. I needs upper body strength especially, lol, my arms are scrawny. Anywho, I'm gonna put clothes in the dryer before I fall the hell asleep. I'm gonna sleep sooooooo good tonight, it's gonna be amazing. Take care, have fun, seezya!

Yay, I has other people's opinions now!! It makes me happy! I think I'd really like to try it if the opportunity presented itself and I truly thought that the people would be willing to work to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. I just somehow think that it would be so wonderfully loving and happy and interesting all the time, even during fights/problematic times. Yeah I'm weird, maybe I'm just an attention whore, but the idea really is starting to grow on me.

I might be weird... but I really like cleaning the bathroom. Scrubbing Bubbles is my favorite cleaner of all time, it's wonderful and smells so clean and fresh and good. I love the way porcelain looks insanely bright, shiny, polished, and absolutely spotless when you clean it. I like using scrub brushes and latex gloves and getting all the little cracks and crevices and nooks and crannies absolutely sparkling clean. It makes me feel better about life, like I've gotten rid of the germs in the bathroom and thus gotten rid of the bad stuff in my life through proxy. Yeah I'm weird, whatevs. I'm also a mad cleaner... when I get angry, the place I'm living absolutely SPARKLES. Same thing when I get to feeling really out of control and overwhelmed. Got pissed off at my roomie a while back and spent like six hours sweeping/mopping/scrubbing/organizing the dorm room. It was so shiny when I was done.

So the other day I was talking to a friend and a very interesting possibility was debated. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about it, either. Do you think it's possible to have a successful, intimate, happy, productive relationship in which three people are involved? I used to think immediately "Hell no, that's not possible at all, it just couldn't work"... but now I'm not so sure. The more I think about it, the more I realize that my self-image and self-worth have gotten a lot better and I don't feel as insecure anymore, thus I feel less jealous of others, so I don't grow suspicious or envious. Also, the more I think about it the more I realize that I have a LOT of love to give, and while I could certainly maintain it in a platonic fashion for everyone but one special person, what would be wrong with giving it to two people if they both knew and agreed? Is there anything intrinsically wrong with that scenario? Is it immoral? If so, how? Why? For me, this is becoming a very complicated point of interest because I have a lot of my personal opinions and morals worked out, and the fact that I'm having so much trouble deciding exactly how I feel about this issue really surprises me. On the one hand I wonder if I would feel left out, or feel like I'm leaving someone out of the relationship, or not spending a balanced amount of time/effort/love on both individuals. On the other hand, I wonder if it could be a good thing, if I could love and be loved by two people who could also love and be loved by each other, and we could be happy together in a trusting, supportive, caring union. Of course, this is all purely hypothetical, but it leaves much to be pondered about human nature and presuppositions people have because society supports a certain defined relationship-type. What do you guys think?

The only time I've ever eaten a hard boiled egg, it was actually a deviled egg, and it was actually three deviled eggs total, and I was a tad... erm... inebriated, and couldn't decide whether I liked them or not. A friend's mom kept pushing them on me, and I was sooooo hungry, so I ate one, and it was like "OMG EW... wait... that tastes sorta good..." ~shrug~ I like my eggs scrambled or made into an omelet. Hard boiled eggs are icky.