Razor

Hahahahaha, I love you guys all sooooooooooooo much. Gene... you just don't know. I tell all, even the stuff I really should never say aloud, much less put in writing. ~hugs~ Nice to meet ya, btw. Sharon, I appreciate your fine taste in linguistic somersaults of punnery. I must say, I was wondering if the sit 'n spin comment was too lewd for a moment until I remembered it's my blog and I'm pretty lewd when I wanna be. Kevvers and Tim and Drewbie, you guys are pretty spot on, lol. Except the only thing is, Kevvers, that I just hate having to explain things like that. No matter what anyone says, he WILL be taken aback at the fact that I really dislike the way he kisses. It might fade, but it'll ouch, and I don't like making people ouch. I'm too nice for that (given that they haven't pissed me off, of course). Carl.... I do not want any genital piercings, lol. Ew ew ew ew ew. Just not cool, yo. The lip ring oh god, lemme tell you guys... the other day I was eatin' my chik-fil-a and I bit the back of it. The ball sunk halfway into my lip because I pulled it so hard, and it was all bleeding and ouching and I was screaming f**K over and over and I pushed it back through. It was rough. I do wanna get my navel and MAYBE a nipple done eventually tho. Okay... next blog entry will so be really soon because this year is turnin' out to be just f**kin' crazy weird. LOVE YOU ALL! From behind.

Omg yay hair coloring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm working on getting my natural color back... but I totally know that in a month or so I'll be doing some random insane color. Cute picture, Zilar!!!! Oh, got piercings... lip and eyebrow... totally gonna post pictures soon, I think they're pretty.

Oh jeebus guys. Oh jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebus. Blech!!! I think the fact that I'm incredibly tired and far too caffeinated is definitely contributing to this annoyance, but I've just had a run of annoyances lately and I'm looking for fun to balance it. Okay, so, worst case scenario: 1.) I lose my job that I've had for barely one week because I got my schedule ALL f**ked up and have missed a shift or two on accident. 2.) I settle for what I think is less than I deserve and end up with a ditzy (in a borderline cute kind of way) bad kisser wanting me for a boyfriend when all I really want from him is to ride him like a sit 'n spin and then say bye. Which is mean. 3.) I get so pissed off at being neglected by friends that I decide to tell them off and then I'm left without friends. OR 4.) I never get pissed off enough at being neglected by friends that I continue to tolerate it and fade into nonexistence. 5.) I realize I've spread myself a bit too thin and let my grades slip. I need A's. The semester has not even really started yet and I already feel a little out of control. 6.) I keep succumbing to the idiotic fancies that take me, never taking into account the needs and concerns of others, much less the fact that I know I should feel guilty for some of the things I do. 7.) I spend a good portion of the thousand bucks (which I really need...) on drugs because I feel out of control and thus don't care that I'm spending it on drugs. 8.) My new piercings get infected and I'm left with a deformed face. 9.) I have HIV. It's my new phobia. Every time I feel like I have a fever or I realize I'm tired when I don't think I should be, I immediately go "I HAVE AIDS!" in my head. It's impossible. Since the last time I had sex, which was protected sex, I donated blood. They sent me a card and called asking for more. They would've told me if I had it. 10.) I realize that I've lost focus and I've forgotten what my goals are, and return to the nihilistic existence following the post-roommate fiasco. So, I know that's all INCREDIBLY dramatic, but I'm on one of my worrying kicks. Basically the thing with the job is that I work late night shifts, and I totally f**ked up the fact that 12:00 AM Sunday really means SATURDAY at MIDNIGHT. The woman that hired me said that I could start working the night she hired me. It was a Thursday, and I had McCarty from 12:00-6:00 AM. On Friday, I had nothing. Thus, I assumed that she meant it as just THURSDAY NIGHT... get me? I was wrong I think, I'm waiting on a reply, and I'll beg forgiveness and plead idiocy if need be. I've only missed like one shift though, so I think it'll be okay. Also, I think I'm working the wrong one right now. I don't care though because I already signed the book and I'm getting credit no matter what, lol. So f**K it. There's this guy, Zach. He's nice (NOT THE OLD ZACH!!! Who, btw, I saw in the library and shocked myself by being congenial), but I must say that the boy is not the sharpest tack in the bulletin board. Sometimes I'll say things and he'll just be a little lost until I explain a bit more. Also, sometimes he says things that are absolutely obvious to me, things that don't even warrant being spoken aloud. He's a cute boy, and he's a sweet guy, so I could deal with the not-so-bright thing. Obviously, being a little less intelligent isn't so bad if the person is genuine and caring. However, he's an AWFUL kisser. Like terrible! Oh my god I just... uggh! STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY TONSILS! What is it with boys and kissing like they're trying to score a goddamn goal? LIPS, boys, lead with the lips! No more than a third of your tongue should EVER be in my mouth! It makes it wet and icky and dude, tongue wrestling is so not my thing. So... I'm trying to decide if I want to keep allowing this exchange to continue, or if I should just tell him now that it won't happen. Right now, there's no magic. There's no sparks, there's not much of anything other than he kind of makes me feel good because he's attracted to me, and to me that's very user-like of me. I will give him credit for the fact that he knows exactly how to rub the exact spot on my lower back to make me shiver, though. At the moment, though, I'm just not sure exactly how to handle this. Oh, another disturbing thing, he claims that he actually likes my squishy parts (my tummy). Um, NO. I'm fat-phobic, and that motivates me even more to go back to no-carb, low-fat, some-protein, living-off-multivitamins-and-diet-energy-drinks mode. Also makes me SERIOUSLY wanna get in the gym and work on my abs, and I fully intend to buy DDR sometime very soon so that I can do fun cardio excercise in my room. Blaaaaaah, it's so annoying to be liked by people you don't like, and completely f**king ignored by the ones you do like!!!!!! Paul is nonexistent in my life now. Since Annie's got a house now that she's sharing with Claire, it's become the spot for him to be. Which is great, except now he's spending all of his time there. I miss my best friend, even if he is a low-down, two-timing, closet-druggie skeezeball of a guy. He's MY low-down, two-timing, closet-druggie skeezeball of a guy, and I lubs him for it. He offers reassurance and confidence, and I get to watch his masterful manipulations. I just don't like the fact that I have no leverage now; he no longer needs a shadow/cohort because school's back in full swing. I've been spending a lot of time with my friend Marti, who is surprisingly like me on the virtuous front. We both have strong feelings about the proper way to treat other people, ways that Paul and Annie both have a way of deviating from. I have random urges all the time. Not really random, because they're triggered, but still... it's getting kind of difficult to warrant why I'm not just following those urges. Why am I resisting? Why am I trying to build this acceptable image of Jamie? For instance, why don't I just get Paul geeked and then sex him and never tell a soul, just because it would satisfy the exotic idea of me having power over him in a big way? Why don't I just go ahead and lead Zach on, f**K him silly, and then move on? Why don't I go ahead and do whatever the hell I want whenever I want? It's getting convoluted in my head, and I need to do some serious structuring of my thoughts to avoid disaster. I've been sober for a long time, guys. I'm not counting pot or alcohol. I don't like pot. Alcohol is fun, but it's just not what I want. I have this overwhelming CRAVING for good old-fashioned hard drugs. I'm being careful to avoid anyone who might offer me a hookup because at this point I know that if someone could sell me something, I'd take them up on the offer in a heartbeat. I have no willpower, so the best thing to do is to make sure that I have no way to procure what I want but don't need. Drugs are one sure way to absolutely ruin my collegiate career, and fail at life miserably. I got my lip and eyebrow pierced! I think they're PRETTY! I have a stud in the lip right now and I want a ring, but I have to wait for it to heal first so the swelling is totally gone and I can switch out to the right sized ring. The eyebrow is KICKASS. I'm loving it. It doesn't hurt at all now, and I just got it pierced way earlier today. I got 'em both done at the same time. Also, never make out with a fresh oral piercing. Guys, it's just not a good idea, trust me on it. I'm getting phobic as hell. I'm inventing more and more idiotic fears that I know are rationally idiotic but there's like this gut instinct that's a bitch to overcome. The general fear and sense of directionlessness of life is getting annoyingly overwhelming. I have the resolution for that, though, and I intend to implement it majorly. Acting. The more I act like I'm completely unafraid and I know exactly what I'm doing, the more I start to believe it. As long as I make an honest attempt to totally convince myself that I'm in control, it's fairly easy to keep myself in check. When I start letting things slip, though, even little things, I start freaking out. I start thinking about them over and over and over until I'm crazy. It's just not cool. Roomie... ah, to think that I'd come so close to completely erasing his existence. I was SO close, guys. Then out of nowhere, I got dragged back into a world where he exists. Well, this time, I'm not settling for what I'm given. I'm making my own terms. I'm not going to let anyone else interfere with my life, and the fact that I can't completely erase him isn't going to faze me a bit. f**K him. He doesn't have anything I want, he ain't shit, and I don't need anything from him to affirm myself. If anything, being around him reinforces these notions of independence. I'm over it. Okay, so things aren't going badly. I'm just readjusting to having strain and stress in life. I'm okay, and I can handle all of it. I can handle all of it far better than most other people can. I'm capable, and adaptive. I talk to myself self-help book style. Isn't that lame? f**K you, I'm cool. So there. I'm getting a new computer, so I'm crazy happy about that, and I'll be okay. Everything's panning out, it's just that I need to learn to not sweat the small things, and to not feel bad about telling people no sometimes. I'm just peachy, guys, and really... I'm happier than I can ever remember being. I think that counts for something.

Happy birthday!!!

I've decided to list the ones that I've found so far. 1.) It is far easier to find lies than truths. 2.) There are many truths, but many more lies. 3.) Lies can be disproven, and most truths can never be proven. 4.) Everyone will inevitably disappoint you at some point. 5.) Disappointment is neither good nor bad in and of itself. 6.) There is no unifying truth, no ultimate purpose. 7.) Truth differs subjectively between perspectives as it bends, contorts, and is sometimes shattered beyond all recognition. 8.) Few people are entirely truthful, especially not those who never tell a lie; their faces are painted skillfully, and often it is nearly impossible to know what they really look like. 9.) True love is a vicious myth, visiting pain and broken expectations among those who believe it. 10.) Love grows from friendship, warmth, trust, caring, empathy, and devotion. 11.) Love also grows from hate, frustration, disgust, loathing, miscommunication, and inconsistency. 12.) Careful observation reveals more than conversation; seeing how people juggle others is a much better lens through which to view character than looking directly at them. 13.) Everyone manipulates others to a certain degree, even those they love with all their hearts. 14.) Luck is the favorable result of several decisions made with varying degrees of arbitrariness, not the force behind those decisions; there is no such thing as this definition of luck. 15.) There is never a reason to deprive yourself from something pleasurable, save that it will harm another. 16.) No one else has any license to drive your life. You're born with that, it came in your baby-sized shrinkwrapped box, and it is inseparable from you. 17.) Worrying is useless. Stop it. 18.) Guilt is useless. Learn, and then let it go. 19.) There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's. 20.) Good people think bad thoughts. 21.) Bad people act on bad thoughts. So that's what I got so far. I may add to this list sometime... I think it'd be a fun daily list to keep up with. Just one thing a day, write it in my notebook, and keep track of it. Never know what I could come up with... it could be kind of cool.

Maybe I'm mean, but if someone gives in and cheats on their bf/gf/partner, what the person they cheated with did to facilitate their decision is absolutely irrelevant. Key word: facilitation. They didn't make the decision, they only made it easier to decide wrong. If I were to play dirty (though I don't really because I usually don't want someone that much), I would see it as their choice no matter what my influence. They obviously didn't REALLY want to be with that person or they wouldn't have let me lead them astray.

I'd have to say that you should probably go with not indulging this urge. Also, I have to question what the cause of the behavior REALLY is. Why do you do what you do? Just "it makes me feel better for some strange reason" doesn't explain what that strange reason is, so you should work on figuring it out. Is it getting the attention you want that makes you feel better? That's sort of what it sounds like to me. Kevin's got a good explanation, but based off the the teensy bit of information we have here, it's sort of difficult to really figure anything out for certain. All I'll add here is just that you should avoid that type of behavior at all costs. Learn to recognize your triggers, keep yourself calm, and distance yourself from the situation until you can deal with things/people properly. People aren't very forgiving when it comes to intentional harm. Sure, they may SAY everything is fine and dandy, but the one good piece of advice my dad ever gave me is that it takes three "'at-a-boy"s to make up for one "ah shit".

Evidently I write like a girl. Most of what I put in was female, and what wasn't was really, really close. So... should I like... make my copy of Word do some bicep curls and chinups so it's more manly? O.o

Anyone who gets their panties in a twist over that song is just dumb. Sorry, but it's not meant to be supporting gay rights or shocking the hell out of anyone. The only purpose for it is to entertain. It's a fun song, it's catchy, and the subject matter makes ya smile. Little off topic, but I've been more and more irked by the media's attempt to turn everything into this big sociopolitical debate, ESPECIALLY when anything homosexual is involved.

Chaucer doesn't hold a candle to Shakespeare. Tell that bitch to rewrite everything he ever did in iambic pentameter and then maybe we'll talk. Favorite by far is A Midsummer Night's Dream. It's just so damn hilarious, hehe, even though people get all pissy when you say it's your favorite because they think you're just uneducated concerning Shakespeare. I really like The Tempest as well, and a few others. Not big on Shakespeare's tragedies... they're so gloomy and dramatic. That said, I will admit that some of those are very good, too. I hate histories. I hate all histories. Death to history.

You see someone you want. Maybe you befriend them. They're in a relationship at the time. Are you willing to play dirty to get what you want? Tell the truth. Why or why not?

Warning: incredibly off-topic Hm... you know... this might sound really, really gay.... but... I truthfully don't even know how football works. What I do know is that Brett Favre lives down here, and I want his fence. It's pretty, very tastefully designed. Okay... I'm shutting up. But really guys, it's a nice fence, it lights up and it has those nice white columnar thingies at the gate and yeah... I like it.

................................................................................ .........................................wow I am so not the person to be giving advice on this. I've been reading and all these things have never really worked for me. I'm motivationless, to the point that it's just sad. My only defense against this is..... Procrastination. Yes. I'll finish this post tomorrow. Haha, jk. No, it works, trust me! I wait until I absolutely, beyond any doubt, HAVE TO DO SOMETHING OR THE WORLD WILL END.... and then it magically gets done. That, or I put myself in a position to where I can't not do it. That sounds simple, but it's actually quite elaborate. Think about it. I have anxiety issues. I hate letting people down on a personal level. I also am very lazy and hate certain classes. I really hate history. There's a disabled kid who needs someone to take notes for him... Eureka! I volunteer to take notes for dyslexic boy, and thus MUST come to class or be completely ashamed for letting him down. My fear of letting him down is more powerful than my lack of motivation, and so I end up going to class every day! Voila! This is how I live my life. Now you all see why it gets soooooooooo complicated.

I really want to find me a cute little tomboyish girl to experiment with. I think it'd be fun. Thing is, the only girls I'm ever attracted to seem to always be lesbians. Irony?

Hehe, I hated my therapist. She was all "mmhmm" and "uh-huh". Screw that. I LOVE my psychiatrist. That woman is like the female incarnation of Hannibal Lecter, only she's yet to eat my liver with fava beans and a nice chianti. She knows what I think before I think it, and I love it. She cuts through all the bullshit and sidestepping and goes right for the problems, and no one's ever been able to do that, and I'm too shy and anxious to just spit it out face to face. I was on Prozac once. I hated it. It was awful. Terrible. Vile. Made me INSANE. I was on Zoloft recently. Bout the same as Prozac only I had the sense to stop taking it before I did something really insane. No more DUI's for me, kthnxbai. Now I'm on Wellbutrin. I actually LIKE this one. I could tell a difference from the first time I took it. It helps SO much with my ability to concentrate, and the ability to find a little motivation. I mean, it's not like a miracle or anything and I still have lots of problems, but it's like where there was this absolute wall and total inability to motivate myself to do anything, now it's a little easier. When you go from absolutely no motivation to a little, it's a gigantic improvement. I've been depressed, but I think that the main problem with me has always been anxiety and ADD. When I was little the ADD was actually a blessing because I was actually interested in everything anyone had to say or teach me. Since I was actually intelligent at one point in time, I could absorb stuff just as fast as people could spit it out. Now, though, I'm not interested in very much at all so it takes a TON of effort to pay attention if I don't want to. Plus I think I may have damaged my brain a bit. I reverse words sometimes, and a few other little nifty weird things. Didn't used to do that, so I'm chalking that up to my years as a hardcore druggie. Glad I stopped that before I ended up like some of the burned out old guys I've seen. Anywho, I just think as gay men we're all a lot more likely to develop serious mental issues. Even if they're just natural coping mechanisms gone haywire, we have to respond to stressful stimuli in some manner... and truthfully most of us handle it pretty damn well. We're still breathing, so I say it's a success. Y'know how it goes with the whole glass thing... The pessimist says it's half-empty. The optimist says it's half-full. I've always wondered why no one ever asks if they've got anything stronger.

Of course it's not comparable. That's part of what I said, that PETA are screwy in the head for doing that. What kind of normal, sensitive, sane individual would make that sort of a link seriously? It's just freakish. Now, from a biological standpoint, I must say that you are completely incorrect. If any animal on the planet is out of control in regard to population, it is humans. We far exceed natural carrying capacity, and we're the only animals that can possibly sustain themselves in this manner. Pigs, for instance, would likely exceed carrying capacity for a brief period of time before nature took its course and stabilized the population. As for causing mutations, mutations are exceedingly rare from a genetic standpoint. What you're talking about is natural selection, which is the normal course of nature. The traits that enable the pig to survive more effectively in the wild would be selected for and within a few generations, the pigs would indeed be a bit different. That's not because of mutations, that's because that's how nature works. If you want to get picky about it, we're doing something slightly messed up by breeding animals (and plants for that matter). The pigs we eat are nothing like wild pigs because they've been bred over the course of several generations to be the animals we want to eat. Artificial selection has completely destroyed the natural course of things as far as that's concerned. And again, I'm all for eating meat. Look at your teeth; you were obviously designed to eat both meat and plants. It's one of the amazing points of versatility that makes humans so adaptable. I say kill it and eat the hell out of it. Hell if you want you can go ahead and kill a dolphin or a chimp, so long as you eat it. I don't really care as long as you're not just killing something to kill it. Chimps kill other chimps sometimes, and dolphins have been known to be oddly aggressive at times. Hmph, if you're pressed for food and somebody keels over, eat their ass, too, why not? Be careful about that, though, since cannibalism is really bad for you... there's some kind of disease it causes, I forget. Mmm, meat. As a gay man, I really like that double entendre. I'm just saying that while it's fine to eat meat, you should really take into consideration the fact that the animals you're eating are NOT happy animals. They were in pain when they were alive, and they were very likely in pain as they died. They were shot full of hormones and antibiotics, and fed until they were big enough to slaughter. That's all they were for, food, and it was likely painfully obvious even to them.

....erm, no. Slaughtering animals isn't always "quick and painless". Also, generally the animals used as livestock have awful living conditions, states of being you and I and anyone else would consider absolutely deplorable. From an ecological perspective, no, those populations would likely never be out of control. Point is, it's fine to eat meat. It's not fine to deceive yourself into believing that what you are doing is free of any less savory aspects. Anywho, PETA comparing this psycho to the slaughter of animals is just nucking futs. Bunch of crazies.

James took the words right out of my mouth. It's the invincible factor that does it. You know that you should be using a condom, but somehow that part of your brain that says "hey, this is serious, I could be a statistic if I do this..." is shut off. So, since you feel like God, it really doesn't cross your mind that you're even susceptible to HIV. ~shrugs~ Meth is the common thread I've found in a lot of seriously sad situations, especially involving gay men. Everything I've ever seen just gives me excellent reasons to completely avoid it and those who use it.

I went to football games every Friday night for three years. I still do not know how the game is played. All I know is that when my guy runs across the line with the ball, I play the fight song.

Lol, yep, and I actually did a nice golf clap for her, too.

Y'know I could SWEAR I posted here before... hm, deja vu and all that weirdness. Aight, so here's the thing... I can't use public restrooms if anyone else is in them. Period. I will literally walk into a restroom and if there's a crowd I just leave and hold it 'till later, or if it's just one person I'll mill around until they're gone. No, I don't know why, it's just... I'm very, very private, especially about bodily functions. It freaks me out a little.

I kind of think that's always how I've received it, with the implication that the fear is because they've come so close to it themselves and are afraid of being influenced. If you just hate something, you never get attached to it, and thus never have to worry about it influencing you... right? This is where I would like to halt the logic train, hop off with a baseball bat, and smack the everliving hell out of anyone who actually came up with that idiocy. Blech. Homophobes are weird, mkay? And truthfully, there aren't TOO many of them left. Also, I don't think it's entirely correct to say a phobia can be "cured". There will always be residual traces of that fear, the occasional relapse into old thought patterns, that sort of thing. Phobias are just too deeply engrained most times to say that they can be "cured", it's more of a patch-job in most cases. Y'know, panic attack to just general anxiety.

Wow. Just wow. Went to the psychowhatsit. I have never met anyone quite like that woman. I'm telling you, it was like I was in Silence of the Lambs from the way she kept asking the exact right questions to get to the exact root of my problems. The woman is the single most competent and intelligent mental health professional I've ever met. In fact, she's the ONLY competent one I've met. Bitch is freakin' amazing. I've never met anyone like her! I know I'm gushing, but omg if she were a boy and a lot younger I'd be like "Yo, we should get married". She had some serious talent as far as psychology goes. Normally, I'm the one steering the conversation. I can go from one topic to another seamlessly and before long have someone talking about whatever I want them to. I just find it pretty easy to do. She's the first person I've ever met who could both counter me steering a conversation and steer it the direction she wanted it to go. Example.... She gave me a huge line of questioning about my father. She thinks that I have serious issues with him and a lot of latent anger, but whatever. Anywho, she was incredibly persistent about it. She cut right through the bullshit and the downplaying and the attempts to gloss over less-than-fun subjects; it was like she knew what had happened over the years and was just trying to make me say it out loud. She also began asking about all of my past relationships. She decided on defining it as BOTH physical and emotional intimacy. In that case I've had like... two relationships... ever. And one of them I wouldn't even count because the entire time it was just the illusion of intimacy anyway. After that, she asked about guys in general, trying to figure out how I view them. I pretty much told her I'd about lost all my sex drive and gotten to the point that I don't really want any relationship because it's just not worth the trouble. So then she starts asking more questions... "So when the two of you parted, it wasn't an explosive event?" she asked me regarding he-who-must-not-be-named. I shook my head. "Nope, we just parted ways. After some initial contact, we just stopped speaking. It's likely for the best," I told her. "So why is that better?" she asked. "It just is, y'know? There's no use crying over spilled milk, and if I kept talking to him then it would've just made me insane over time. That's why I got rid of his phone number, his friends' phone numbers, his e-mail, his friends' e-mails, everything I could." "So why doesn't he contact you?" she asked. "He's not that kind of person. I told you he's got that schizoid personality thing to where it seems like he just doesn't need other people to be perfectly happy. Usually I'd say that's utter BS, but from the way he acts I kind of believe it," I told her. "Okay, so how do you feel about the fact that he hasn't contacted you? Are you angry at him, sad about it turning out that way, what?" "Just... disappointed, really. It's something I'll have to get used to. There'll be a ton of people in the future who disappoint me, and I can't cry for all of them or I'll never get anything done," I said. "Well, you mentioned that you're feeling like you just don't want a relationship. Why do you feel that way, what caused that?" "I don't know. I think I'm just burned out on investing too much into people when I have no right to expect anything back," I said. "So wait, you don't think it has anything to do with being disappointed?" she asked me. "Well of course, but like I said, I'll get over it. He's just one person, there's more in the world." "Yeah, he's just one person, but there've been two men in your life who've let you down in a big way." This is when I looked at her all huh-like. Truthfully I was perplexed at first. I started racking my brain for men who've disappointed me. I am amazed at the fact that I've been able to bury my father so effectively deep in my mind that it's like he doesn't even exist unless someone specifically names him. Finally it clicked with me. "Oh wow, that was psychobabbletastic." See what I mean? This woman has a habit of FORCING me to think about things I purposefully or subconsciously ignore. Speaking to her is like fencing almost. She strikes, I parry, she lunges, I dodge, but in the end she's always going to win because it's almost like a master swordsman toying with someone just learning. I'm just saying that she's pretty f**king amazing. There's lots of examples of this kind of thing with her... another one had to do with the whole thing that happened on my birthday. I got drunk at a friend's house, but then all my other friends vacated. It was just me, Lee, Will, and Kevin. Well, long story short... I made out with both Will and Kevin and both of them did manage to cop a feel. Wow, wait... I just realized where a dream I had the other night came from... jeez weird. Anyway! The weird thing about this is that Will and Kevin's apartment was where we were. They're "not a couple". They sleep in the same bed in the same apartment, but "not a couple". They once were, though. Now that I'm not drunk as hell, I look back, and I'm almost absolutely certain that they were using me and Lee to make one another jealous in some twisted lovers' spat thing. f**K it, though. People do weird shit when they're in love and don't wanna admit it. Lee, by the way, has been firmly placed in the "nope, no thanks" category. We don't click, and I've tried to click with him. He's been evasive and kinda distant. He also asked Paul for Will's number the next day, and sorry, but I don't wanna date anyone who would do that... it's really, really tasteless and whore-ish. Using your friends as hook-up central ain't cool. I just think he's far too oblivious, and I need someone who can keep up with the way I think. Okay, now I'm on Wellbutrin instead of Zoloft. So far I like it a LOT better. I just started taking it but I already feel better and have more energy and I can focus better. I haven't been able to write in my blog for ages 'cause I get distracted or disinterested, but ya see? I'm a good bit better now, hehe. Oh goodness, what else is there to talk about... LOTS has happened, you guys. Ah, well, I'll see you all later. ~hugs~ Have a fantastical day/night/whatever.

There aren't a lot of drugs that can make you truly lose control of yourself. People *say* they lost control, but the truth is that you know exactly what the hell you're doing, you just don't care. Hallucinogens, by and large, are not what people who have never done any drugs believe they are. With hallucinogens it is generally fairly easy to differentiate between reality and hallucinations; there's a distinct difference between the two. It's generally a deliriant that'll screw your world up enough for you to really lose control. That, I think, possibly releases you from culpability but only in very specific, very special circumstances. Ultimately you shouldn't have let another person drug you in the first place. How did they accomplish this? You shouldn't ever leave your drink unattended in public places. If it was at your home, then why the hell was this person there? Did you know them? Did they just rummage through your fridge and plant said drug in your two liter of coca cola? That sounds kind of out there, but really, if you surround yourself with the right type of people there's a lot less chance of something like that happening. Supposing someone did manage to slip you say twenty benadryl or some datura tea (both of which are pretty easy to detect, lol), then you are more than likely not to do anything to harm another person directly unless you're already a pretty malicious person and have that thought in the forefront of your mind already. Otherwise you're just going to probably get naked and fall down. I'm not very forgiving as far as placing blame. Of course I realize that no one's perfect and everyone screws up, which is why I really am a very forgiving and easy-going guy. However, it is STILL your fault, even given the extremely rare circumstances when you didn't mean to do it.