Enigma - 6. Chapter 6 - Making Progress

Silver wasn’t happy when I left last night. He didn’t say anything but I knew it for sure. His eyes were so sad I almost couldn’t go,but that would have been unprofessional and I really have to concentrate on being professional right now.

As it was, I didn’t leave until gone nine... that casserole was so damned good, as was the conversation around the table, even though Silver went back to his usual reticence with so many strangers surrounding him. I did notice, however, that the blank absence did not come back, not once, not even when he was silent and staring down at the table. I knew he was listening. I knew he was ‘there’.

Karen is in the kitchen when I arrive; on time of course. She looks up and smiles. “Want a coffee?”

“God, I live on that stuff. If I died today they would find that I have no blood, just pure caffeine running through my veins.”

“Can I take that as a ‘yes’ then?”

“Of course.” I grin at her and she hands me a cup, already poured.

“How did it go last night?”

She frowns. “He had some pretty nasty nightmares. It woke me a couple of times and in the end I took my quilt into his room and slept on the floor. It was scary stuff, River.”

My heart immediately starts to beat faster and I put the coffee down on the table. In seconds it is forgotten. “What do you mean scary?”

“Well, he wasn’t screaming or anything; not like some of them do when they’re having nightmares. I don’t even know quite what woke me the first time but... I went into his room and he was curled up on his side moaning like he was in pain. I touched his shoulder and asked if he was alright and he started to shake and cry out. “No, no, please, please don’t hurt me. Please don’t hurt me. No I won’t, I won’t, I won’t.” He just kept saying it over and over and over. I sat on the bed and stroked his hair and eventually he went quiet again.

“About an hour later I had to get up to go to the loo and I heard him thrashing about; really restless. I went to check on him and he was muttering something under his breath. I thought he was ill, feverish, but when I checked he was fine, just dreaming. I woke him up and he completely freaked out... but quietly if you know what I mean.” Unfortunately I do. I nod, fighting the urge to run to him.

“After that I was keeping my ears open and I heard him when he started to cry again. That time he was just shaking and crying and not saying anything. To be honest I have no idea if he was asleep or awake. I sat on the bed and soothed him until he went quiet and that’s when I decided to sleep in the room, not that I got much sleep. He tossed and turned most of the night; crying, moaning, whimpering. It wasn’t until about half past five this morning that he settled into a proper sleep.”

“Do you have any idea what he was dreaming about?”

“Not a clue. He never spoke a word after that first time. I thought that maybe he was dreaming about what happened to him, about what they did to him.”

“Maybe.”

“He’s okay though, River. It happens sometimes when there has been severe trauma... you know that, right?”

She is looking at me in a strange way and I realise that I have really let my professionalism slip this time. “Sure... of course. It’s just... we made a lot of progress yesterday and I am concerned that might be a set back, that’s all.”

“Yeah right; be careful, River.”

“Careful? Careful of what?”

“Silver is a sweet boy. He’s a lost soul and it’s easy to get attached to someone like that, especially when they are getting better and you start to see the real person emerge from the fog. But never forget he’s here to be healed; to be taken care of and we are here to do that. We are not here to be his friend or... anything else. We have to keep detached. If you can’t do that you have to get off the case. You know that don’t you?”

I stare at her for a moment. Am I being that obvious? I stare at her just a tiny bit too long. “Of course I know that.”

“Okay. Come and sign off the night sheet and I’ll leave you to it. It’s up to you what you do but I would leave him sleep in if I were you. He’s had a rough night. Oh... can you get Max up at nine? Julia isn't at college this morning but he’s taking her round to the flat to meet the wardens and some of the other people and to sign some papers. They’re supposed to be there by ten thirty and those two are as bad as each other for taking ages to wake up and get moving.”

“I wish I could let Silver sleep... but Dr. Marshall is coming round to see him this morning. He’s usually here pretty early so I daren’t let him lie in.”

“Bugger... ah well maybe he can nap this afternoon if he’s tired. You’ve got a double shift today haven’t you?”

“Yes.”

“You can take care of him then.”

“Of course I will: in a professional and detached way of course.” I only half joke. She smiles, though and pats my hand as she leaves. I hate it when they do that. The fact that she is two decades older than me doesn’t give her the right to treat me like a ten year old. Ah well.

At half past eight, after three coffees and half a nervous breakdown I am standing in the blue room watching Silver sleep. Argh... he’s beautiful. He looks peaceful now. The only sign that he has had a bad night is the tangle of hair scattered all over the pillows.

I sit down on the bed and call him softly, not daring to touch him. “Silver; Silver it’s me, River. Time to wake up.”

He wakes slowly and gently. I am half prepared for panic but when he eventually blinks open sleepy eyes he smiles at me.

“Karen says you didn’t sleep well. Did you have a nightmare?”

He frowns at me and shakes his head. “I don’t think so.”

I almost wet myself with excitement. He practically said a whole sentence... actually he did; a short one but a sentence.

“Okay; that’s good. Do you think you can get yourself in the shower while I go to wake Max and Julia?”

“Julia.” He smiles. “I like Julia.”

I have to laugh. “Everyone likes Julia. She’s an absolute darling. So, how about the shower?”

He nods readily and is already getting out of bed when I walk out the door and tap on Julia’s. “You up honey?”

“Do you have coffee?”

“Sorry, not this morning. I’m a selfish bastard this morning.”

“In that case... no, I’m not up. Come back in half an hour when you’re feeling less selfish.”

“I’ll get Max to bring you up a coffee in a bit.”

“God you really are selfish. Max is worse than me in the mornings.”

“I have my own job to do.”

“And I bet you haven’t brought him a coffee either.”

I crack up. “No; no I haven’t. You’re right about the selfish. I shall have to keep my eye on that.”

“Yeah right, River; keep you eye on ‘that’.”

Smiling, I turn away and open the door to Max’s room. One of these days I am going to walk in on him doing something highly embarrassing and it will be his own fault. He always sleeps thorough his alarm and he never answers when I knock. No wonder he usually does night shifts; he would never make it on time for morning ones. Actually he’s really lucky that he’s had Julia. She is no trouble at all; never has been at night; or much in the day. God help him when she goes and he gets someone more demanding. He avoided Glenda like the plague.

“Wakey, wakey; lazy git.” I quip slapping his ass which, as usual, is sticking up in the air.

“Fuck off, River. It can’t be morning yet.”

“Sorry mate but it is, indeed, the beginning of a bright new day and you are under orders to take your charge a coffee in bed.”

“Oh bugger... if it’s a royal decree I had better shift.” He makes absolutely no move to get out of bed.

“You look like shit.”

“I had a crap night. Karen was up and down and kept waking me up. That boy of yours sure had her on her toes.”

“She woke you up? Max, a herd of elephants stampeding through the room wouldn’t wake you up when you’re asleep.”

“Karen is not exactly tactful and seems to be under the impression that if she has to get up then everyone has to be at least awake. She wakes me up to tell me that she’s getting out of bed... just in case I wake up and worry that she’s not there. As if I’d know. As if I’d care.”

I laugh at the idea of Karen waking Max just to tell him that she’s up and he can go back to sleep. “She does that to me too. I think she thinks she’s just being thoughtful and thorough and doesn’t realise what a complete and utter bitch she is, in fact, actually being.”

“Right.” He makes a face. “Alrighty then... I’m up and, as I am answering a royal decree with hot beverages I may as well make a start on breakfast. What you having today?”

“The boss is coming to see Silver so we’d better make it short and sweet. You know what he’s like for getting an early start. Wouldn’t want him to walk in on us tucking into bacon and eggs would we?”

“Why not? He’s alright; although he would probably mooch half of it. Alright then; toast it is, with cereal and coffee. See you in half an hour or so.”

When I go back into Silver’s room the door of the bathroom is closed but I hear water running and smile. Silver’s pyjamas are deposited in a heap on the floor next to the bed and idly I pick them up intending to fold them. I hardly know what I am doing when I raise them to my face and inhale deeply, smelling his smell of lavender and musk.

Realising that I am again acting very unprofessionally I fold the clothes and place them on the pillow. Silver can make his bed in a bit. I knock on the bathroom door.

“Are you almost done?”

There is no answer so I knock again. When there is still no answer after the third knock I open the door and go inside. Silver is in the shower and he is humming to himself. I don’t recognise the tune but I recognise the tone. He is happy. For this brief space of time, Silver is happy.

I tap gently on the door of the shower and the humming stops. He wipes a window in the mist.

“Are you nearly done?”

“Nearly.”

“Don’t be long. Max is doing breakfast and he always burns the toast.”

He looks at me, puzzled for a moment and then smiles and turns off the water. I make a hasty retreat before he opens the door. Somehow, I feel that today it would be better if I wait outside.

After about ten minutes the door opens and Silver steps out with a towel around his waist, rubbing at his hair with another one.

“What do you want to wear today?”

Immediately, his eyes narrow and he looks anxious. “I...”

“Well the choice is pretty simple. You can either wear jeans and a tshirt, or jeans and a tshirt... or jeans... and a tshirt.”

After a moment of blank confusion as he processes what I have said, a smile breaks over his face and he says shyly. “Jeans and a tshirt?”

“Great choice. What colour tshirt?”

Without pause, almost as if he had been steeling himself for it and decided to jump quickly before he’s pushed, he says, “Black.”

“Sorry mate, there isn’t a black one. You can have.... off white with a picture of a monkey on the front; plain yellow; plain blue or a green one that say’s ‘I wasn’t born this stupid I had to work up to it’. Yeah; highly appropriate.” I shake my head and drop the green tshirt back in the drawer.

“I like that one.”

“The green one?” He nods, uncertainly. “Really?” Now he looks anxious again, as if he is wondering what he’s done wrong. I proverbially kick myself. “The green one’s good.” I say hurriedly, and he smiles.

I have to admit that the green one looks good on him; although, I think with a quick glance at my unremarkable body in the mirror; just about anything would look good on him, including a potato sack. Some people have ‘it’ and some don’t. I think that Silver has mine as well as his own.

Breakfast is on the table by the time we get downstairs. We took ages because I had to comb all the tangles out of Silver’s hair; and there was some paint in there contributing to our difficulties.

Julia is stuffing toast into her mouth so that she can talk around it. She glances up when we come in and does a theatrical double take. “Wow Silver; you look good enough to eat. Don’t sit by me or I might swallow you whole.”

Am I the only one who sees the look of fear and horror flash across his face? It is gone quickly and he sits next to me with his head bowed.

“Help yourself, Silver.” I say quietly and he looks at me in complete panic for a moment. I smile and nod and he nods back, making an effort. With a trembling hand he reaches for the toast and puts a slice on his plate. Julia is watching him intently. She did see then. She pushes the butter and jam towards him and he looks up sharply.

“The strawberry is nice. It’s got chunks of real strawberry in it; but the ginger is hot and sweet at the same time. You don’t really need to put butter on but it is yummy if you do; but you’ve got to do it when the toast is hot or it just sits on the top and gets mixed with the jam and tastes weird. Look; have this piece.”

She swaps his toast for one that Max has just deposited on the plate. Max grins at him.

“Yeah, and that one’s hardly burned at all.”

Silver looks confused but dutifully spreads butter on the toast, watching in fascination as it soaks in and drips off the side. It’s as if he hasn’t seen anything like it until this very moment, even though he did exactly the same thing yesterday and the day before. The difference is that today he is ‘here’.

When he’s done watching the butter he looks at the two pots of jam. Julia opens her mouth to help but I shake my head. Suddenly, it feels very important that he does this by himself. He turns his head to look at me and I smile encouragingly.Then he looks at Julia, who grins.

“Go on hun; you can do it. Sweet or hot?”

Again he flinches slightly, although you had to have been watching carefully to notice. At last he reaches out his hand and takes the strawberry jam. I think, in the end, he just took any pot to stop the stares but the important thing is that he did take it; he wasn’t paralysed by the decision.

The doctor comes at 10.30 and throws Ronya out of the office; figuratively speaking of course. He wants to speak to me on my own first, so Ronya plays board games with Silver, who watches me with anxious eyes, despite my reassuring smiles.

I am surprisingly nervous as I sit in the chair and watch the doctor read through the files. As time goes on I notice subtle signs and realise with some surprise that the doctor is nervous too. At last he puts aside the file and looks up.

“I have to admit, River that what you told me yesterday shocked me. It shocked me to the core. I don’t think that it will surprise you if I say that I have no experience in this kind of thing at all.

“I have spoken to a number of my colleagues and I have managed to get in touch with Professor Boyle as you suggested. We had a very interesting and thought provoking conversation. He told me about Nikki and I am very sorry about what happened. It must have been difficult for you; coming to the realisation that Silver seems to have gone through a similar thing to what happened to him.”

He pauses and looks at me kindly. What am I expected to say? Of course it was difficult to realise that the terrible thing that had happened to my best friend; that had ultimately ended his life; had happened to someone else, someone who is just as sweet and just as beautiful as he was. And yet... and yet...

“Of course it was difficult but... maybe you will understand this or maybe you won’t but it feels somehow... healing. I didn’t get the chance to help Nikki but I do have the chance to help Silver. It’s... it feels like a second chance.”

The doctor nods and continues to look at me thoughtfully. The silence begins to get uncomfortable.

“Have you thought that perhaps this is too much for you? That, given your own experiences, you will be unable to keep a professional distance?”

My first reaction is to batter him down; to tell him that of course I can keep professional; that of course this isn’t going to affect my ability to do my job... but what would be the point of that? This man has eyes like lasers and they are already boring into me. He knows... and he would know in an instant if I lied.

“I can’t lie and tell you that this isn’t difficult and painful for me and, if I’m being honest then no; I can’t promise to be strictly professional in my relationship with Silver. This cuts too deep for that. However... I seriously doubt that you are going to find anyone else out there who understands what he’s been through; what he’s going through: and that’s what he needs right now. That’s what Nikki didn’t have. Silver has chosen to leave this world by creating another one in his head; Nikki chose a different way. I can't bring him back but maybe I can help to bring Silver back. I want the chance to do it for the both of them.”

The doctor nods. “I’ll speak to Silver before I make any decisions. We’ll talk again afterwards and discuss the best way forwards. I have some ideas after speaking with Professor Boyle, but I need to speak to Silver first.”

“Okay. I’ll ask him to come in.”

Silver has his eyes fixed on the door and he looks very nervous. He doesn’t smile when he sees me. I sit down next to him and look him straight in the eye.

“The doctor wants to speak to you now. You remember him don’t you?” Silver nods hesitantly. “He’s here for you Silver; just for you. He wants to help you. If he is going to help you he needs you to be open and honest with him. I know it’s hard for you, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard, but just do your best. He wants to help you; I want to help you; we all want to help you.You just have to let us.”

“Will you... stay?”

“I’ll be here when you come out.”

“But then...”

“We’ll have to see. The doctor hasn’t decided what to do yet. I’ve told him what I know Silver. I don’t know the details; I don’t know who it was or exactly what they did... but I know what happened to you. It happened to a friend of mine and it almost happened to me. It’s not hopeless Silver and you are not alone. You can get through this and, if I can, I will be with you every step; someone will.”

His eyes are getting wider and wider and I can feel him shaking. I know he understands and I know he is remembering, even as we speak. Bit by bit he’s coming back and it scares the hell out of him. Shit, it scares me too. I squeeze his hand and smile at him.

“It will be alright, Silver. Just talk okay.”

He nods slowly. “I’ll try.”

“You don’t have to talk about what happened to you Silver, not yet, not until you’re ready. Just talk about where you are now; what you need now.”

He nods more certainly, looking less scared. Still holding his hand I lead him to the office and stand with him while the doctor touches base, then he nods at me and I leave, telling Silver I will be waiting outside. He is very reluctant to let go of my hand and I feel his eyes bore into my back even after the door is closed behind me.

I’m shocked to find that I’m shaking as I make my way back into the kitchen and it gets worse as I sink into the chair and rest my elbows on the table to support a head which suddenly feels heavy and too full; mostly with memories.

A mug of coffee is thrust into my hands and I look up to see Ronya smiling down at me.

“You okay hun?”

“No, not really.”

“Want to talk?” Do I? Do I want to talk about all the things I have been bottling up for so long? Do I want to talk about a chapter in my life that has been closed for ten years? Do I want to pick the scab off that sore place that almost tore me in half?

“I... don’t know.”

“This isn’t just about Silver is it?” Damn she is perceptive.

“No,” I say softly. “No it isn’t.”

She sits down across the table from me, cradling her own coffee cup. “Okay kid. I know there’s something going on in that pretty head of yours; so spill to your Aunty Ronya.”

I look at her anxiously, my heart pounding and my mouth dry. I don’t know if I can do this. I feel like one of the residents facing the doctor; except that I can choose to walk out of here and go home and forget about it all... can’t I? Can I forget again now that it has been brought to the surface again?

Maybe what I said to the doctor is right. Maybe this is my second chance. Maybe by helping Silver I can heal myself... after all this time.

I close my eyes and I’m back there. I’m fourteen years old, spending all my time with my very best friend; more than that, so much more than that; my secret that no one else knew about. I am hardly aware of the words spilling out of my mouth; I’m too lost in the pictures that are playing out in my mind