Flux - 21. Chapter 21

June 27, 2002

Chicago, IL

Matt

Time seemed to move in slow motion as I stared at the guy in front of me. I hadn’t seen Cam Heely in over four years. He was the first guy I’d been with. His was the first dick I’d sucked, and he was the first guy to fuck me. He still had dark brown hair, but it was cut much shorter now, and that made him look prettier, ironically enough. That was probably because of his really pointed, chiseled features, the ones that made him seem almost feminine, unless you took in the rest of his body. His cheeks weren’t quite as sunken as they used to be, but he still had a long narrow face. He was shorter than me, at about 5’10”. Cam had been fit in high school; you had to be if you were going to play hockey. From what I could tell, he still was, and like me, he’d gotten broader, with bigger shoulders now that he was in his twenties.

He looked at me nervously, probably as shocked as I was, and then I saw that familiar twinkle in his brown eyes. He began to smile just as I did, and that exposed his perfect white teeth, and the cute little dimple in his left cheek. “Holy shit!” I said. I threw caution to the wind and enveloped him in a massive bear hug, which was pretty forward, so I was relieved to feel him returning it just as strongly. The drinks and drugs had dulled the ache in my ribs when I’d been dancing, and fortunately those chemicals helped me endure the relative pain of this bear hug without cringing. “How the fuck have you been?”

“Not bad,” he said, grinning. “It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too,” I said. “I tried to call you after, uh, I heard you came out of the closet, but your phone didn’t work.”

“Sorry about that,” he said. “My parents freaked out about it, and I pretty much decided to cut my ties to Cleveland.”

“Not a bad idea, when you think about Cleveland,” I joked.

“I should have called you too,” he said. “I saw the article when you came out.”

“I made a bigger splash than you did,” I teased.

“Yeah, because you picked up a famous boyfriend,” he said, chuckling. “You guys still together?”

I shook my head. “Nah. We’re good friends.” With Cam’s reference to Wade, we both seemed to realize that we weren’t alone. Josh was looking at us intently, and not a little worried, while Will was simply interested. “You live in Chicago?”

“Yeah. Been here for a couple of years now,” he said. “I decided to finish my degree up here.”

“Where are you going to school?”

“DePaul,” he said. “What about you?”

“I’m moving here this fall. I’m starting on my MBA at the University of Chicago,” I told him.

“You in town for long?”

“We leave tomorrow morning,” I said, disappointed now. He seemed down about it too.

He looked at Josh, who was obviously anxious for us to end our conversation. “We’ll do something when you get back.”

“Sounds good,” I said, and we exchanged phone numbers. “Good to bump into you again,” I said, directing that to Josh.

“I’ll keep you up on all the progress,” he said, making it sound like our relationship was all business, which I guess it was.

Will and I walked out and got into the waiting limo. “We could have stayed longer,” he said.

“No.” I shook my head for emphasis. “Josh is freaking out because he cheated on Cam with me, and because Cam and I know each other.”

“Sucks to be him,” he said. “You gonna tell Cam?”

“I don’t know,” I said. I really didn’t want to think about that right now. The last thing I needed was another moral dilemma.

“So who was that dude? He was fucking hot.”

“He is,” I agreed. “He was the dude who got my cherry.”

“Are you serious? Wow. He’s like the guy who blazed the Oregon Trail. Shit, hundreds of people followed after him,” Will said, giving me shit.

“Like you’re a virgin,” I said, effectively shutting him up, even though we were laughing about it.

“Did you go to school together?”

I shook my head. “We met playing hockey. He played on a different team, and was a pain in the ass on the ice. I boarded him really good during one of our games, and then we met at a party later, and ended up blowing each other.”

“Dude, is that a normal sequence in hockey?” he asked, cracking me up. “You board someone, then blow them later?”

“I wish,” I joked. “It was a pretty intense experience for me. I’d convinced myself that I wasn’t going to be gay, that I’d only allow myself to fantasize about guys in my mind, so when I hooked up with him, it just blew that plan out of the water.”

“So were you guys together after that?”

“No,” I said, remembering how upset I was back then. “I was hella pissed at him, because he didn’t call me back after we hooked up, and totally blew me off.”

“That’s raw.”

“Yeah, it was. I ended up playing against him again and hit him with a really cheap shot. I still feel bad about it.” That cheap shot had cost me most of my credibility with my teammates. “We didn’t see each other until later that semester, when we ran into each other at a prom. It was for a private girls’ school, and we both blew off our dates and snuck up to my hotel room for a quickie. That was the first time a dude fucked me.”

“At some chick’s prom?” he asked, and we laughed about that together. “You had a really strange way of hooking up with dudes back then.”

“True,” I said. “I guess that night I was the girl too.”

“So then what happened?”

“He told me that he didn’t call me because he was worried we’d get too into each other and we’d be outed. I told him that was bullshit, and we could hang out together and have it look like we were just buds, then we could fuck like bunnies behind closed doors.”

“Kind of like Zach and me,” Will said sadly.

“Yeah, kind of like that. But after he fucked me, and it was so amazing, he decided it was worth the risk to start hanging out with me.”

He laughed at my cockiness. “You probably damn near raped the poor dude when he came over.”

“Damn near,” I said, winking at him. “So we were hanging out, and he did something he wasn’t supposed to do.”

“What?”

“He fell in love with me, but I didn’t love him.”

“Ouch,” Will said, understanding Cam’s pain.

“Yeah, and I felt like shit about it. He pretty much avoided me after graduation. I knew I’d hurt him, but shit, what was I supposed to do? I was going to Cali, and he was going back east. No way would it have worked.” I sighed. “So I went off to Malibu, and that’s when I met all of you guys.”

“So it had a happy ending,” he said, and put his arm around me.

“Yeah, it did,” I said, smiling back at him.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Will said. “It just sucks.”

“Yep.”

“So he’s in Chicago, you’re moving here, he obviously still likes you.”

“He doesn’t like me,” I objected.

“Dude, are you serious? I mean, I don’t know the guy, but it was obvious as fuck he was boning for you.” I didn’t get that vibe at all.

“I think he was just happy to see me,” I said, challenging him.

“Whatever,” he said. “He was totally into you.”

“So?”

Will rolled his eyes. “So maybe you can give it another try?”

“No,” I said emphatically. “No way.”

“Why not?”

“For starters, he’s got a boyfriend,” I pointed out.

“Yeah, but Josh is a scumball, and cheated on him,” Will said.

“That doesn’t give me the right to break them up,” I pointed out. “Besides, that’s not even the biggest reason.”

“What’s the biggest reason?”

“I don’t want to be with anyone. I want to be my own person. I don’t want any major commitments. I was part of ‘Matt and Wade’ for over three years. It’s time for me to just be Matt.”

“You mean you want to be slutty?”

“It’s not about the sex,” I said, slightly frustrated that he wasn’t following me. “It’s about not being with someone. I’ll probably have sex, though. A lot.”

“Probably,” he said, and we laughed about that.

“When you’re in a relationship, you’re responsible for someone, and to someone. You’re responsible for them in that you have to care about them, watch out for them, and not hurt them. And you’re responsible to them because you can’t just do what you want to do; you have to coordinate things with them. So it’s not about fucking everything that moves. It’s about freedom to do what I want.”

He looked at me and nodded. “I understand.”

“You ever feel that way?” I asked.

He smiled at me, that blissful smile of love, and shook his head. “No.”

July 1, 2002

Los Angeles, CA

“The rest of them are meeting us there?” I confirmed with Will, as the limo drove us toward Anders-Hayes.

“That’s the plan,” he said. “I talked to Dad, and he’s already there, along with Stef. Darius was supposed to be on his way.”

“What about JJ?” He wasn’t legally an adult, so he couldn’t vote his own shares, but I kind of assumed he’d want to be there anyway.

“Last I heard, he wasn’t sure he could make it. I haven’t found out if he’s on his way back from Boston.”

“Does he like it there?” I hadn’t talked to him for a while, and I hadn’t talked to Wade since I’d gotten back from Chicago.

“I think he’d rather be in LA, but he’s doing alright,” Will said. “It’s hard to tell, because with JJ, he’ll basically bitch about anything.”

“He’s talented, and he’s a diva,” I agreed. “I think it’s going to be funny as hell to watch Wade try to deal with him.”

Will laughed. “I talked to Tiffany on Friday, and she said it was hilarious. Wade was trying to convince JJ to configure his bathroom differently, and Wade had all these logical reasons why it would be better, but JJ just folded his arms and refused to change it.”

“Logic won’t work with JJ,” I said.

“Nope,” Will agreed. “You have to make it all about him.”

“Unless it’s really important,” I noted. JJ would be in your corner if your back was against the wall. “It’s not the big stuff he causes problems with. It’s the little stuff.”

“Yeah,” Will said, shaking his head, “and that’s what drives Wade nuts.”

“Because to Wade, you just don’t dick around with the little shit,” I agreed. We laughed about their dynamic until the limo pulled up in front of Anders-Hayes.

“I wonder if this will be the last time we ever walk into this building,” Will said.

“Maybe,” I said as we got out of the car. “But it’s just a building.”

He stopped me, and looked at me intently. “Are you cool with this?”

I was frustrated with him, because we were standing on the sidewalk, about to go into a shareholder meeting, where the sale was all but a formality. This was not the time for second thoughts. “Yes.”

Will looked up at the mid-rise building and gestured at the name on it. “I’m sorry. I know it’s a business, but it’s got their names on it.”

“I never met Greg,” I said, referring to the ‘Anders’ of Anders-Hayes. He was Stef’s partner for many years, and had died of a heart attack when he was still pretty young.

“He was a good guy almost until the end,” Will said. “I mean, I was a kid, and he was always nice to me, but the last year that he was alive he was pretty grumpy. That door between the houses was always opened; but he got pissed off at us one day and yelled at us, then it was closed.”

“What did you guys do? Knock something over?”

“No,” Will said. “Darius, JJ, and I were running from our house to theirs, and we were being pretty noisy. We were going to go swimming. Greg came out of the kitchen and just screamed at us to shut the fuck up. Totally freaked us out.”

“Then what happened?”

“We shut up and went back to our house, only JJ told my mom, and she told Dad, and he had a talk with Stef, and then the door was shut.” He sighed. “Then Stef and Greg had a big fight, and things were pretty strained after that.”

“You think you guys ruined their relationship?” I asked, knowing how stupid that was, but sensing his residual guilt.

“We didn’t help it.”

“You should ask Stef about it, so you don’t blame yourself,” I suggested. “But if Greg came out and screamed at three boys, his grandsons, it sounds like the problems were already there.”

“Maybe,” Will said, thinking about it. “It’s just weird. It feels like we’re giving up a piece of both of them, and I don’t want to do that.”

“Maybe this is the piece of them we need to give up,” I told him. “Besides, the business wasn’t always good for either of them.”

He shrugged, and turned to head inside, with me walking next to him. We got through the door and found Evelyn waiting to greet us. She’d been Robbie’s assistant, then had gotten a promotion to head up operations. “Hello! It’s so good to see both of you,” she said, and gave us Hollywood hugs, with the fake kisses on each cheek.

“Good to see you too,” I said.

“I was commanded to remind you not to miss the Bastille Day party,” Will said to her severely.

“I’ll be there,” she promised. She led us to the elevator, and it whisked us up to the top level, where Robbie’s office had been. We didn’t go in there; instead, we went into the big boardroom.

“Welcome,” Brad said, as he came over to us. He gave Will a nice hug, and then turned his attention to me. I reached out and hugged him, making the first move because I sensed he wouldn’t initiate it, but he returned it readily enough. “It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too,” I said. “You staying here tonight?”

“I think that’s the plan.”

“Let’s hang out later,” I offered.

“It’s a plan,” he said, and gave me a sincere smile. I greeted Stef next, and then he re-introduced me to Alex Danvers, a really handsome dude who had taken over as CEO. I’d met him at Robbie’s memorial service last October, but I’d been so fucked up I didn’t remember much of it.

“Thanks for coming to the meeting,” he said, as he held my hand for just a little longer than normal.

“I’m glad to be here,” I said, which wasn’t entirely true, but it worked. Darius came in after that, and greeted everyone but me. That kind of freaked me out, since we hadn’t had a chance to talk about all this shit. But evidently he was just saving me for last.

“Hey,” he said pleasantly, and shook my hand, only when he did; he pulled me into a man-hug. And with that simple gesture, I knew we were cool.

There were three presentations. Alex Danvers talked about the company, how it was doing, and their plans for the future. It was pretty inspiring, but it was hard to listen to him talk about this place and not think of Robbie. The investment company that was buying us out went next, talking about why they were willing to overpay for the business. I saw Stef and Brad get mildly annoyed at that, but I’m sure the other non-family members didn’t pick up on their expressions.

I had expected that Stef would be the final speaker, but instead it was Brad. “As most of you know, I have supported the sale of Anders-Hayes because I think with this new corporate partner, it will be able to grow and achieve even bigger things. This company has been a part of my life for almost thirty years now, and it is hard to give it up, but I think that it will thrive with new ownership, and I think we have other things to focus on. We’re getting a fair price for our shares, and we can be pleased that the executives and employees of the firm will be able to remain part of this successful company.”

He cleared his throat, and continued in a more stolid manner. “I hereby move that we approve the sale of Anders-Hayes as outlined in the prospectus.”

“I will second it,” Stef said.

“All in favor?” Brad asked, and then zeroed in on us individually. Darius, Will, and then I all uttered “aye.” “As JJ is a minor, I will vote his shares as an ‘aye’.”

“That constitutes all the voting shares of the company,” the corporate secretary said.

“Then the sale is approved by a unanimous vote,” Brad said. And with that, Anders-Hayes was no longer part of our family, and even though I’d thought Will was being a little dramatic, I still felt bad, like we’d just sold off a piece of Robbie.

I left Anders-Hayes in a relatively somber mood, even though I now had $15 million bucks in my account. That was some serious coinage. “You did a good job,” I said to Brad as we all got into the limo. I guess they’d decided that we’d all ride back together.

“You did,” Will confirmed.

“Thanks,” Brad said. “I’m sorry JJ didn’t make it.”

“He has faith in you, and he can’t vote his shares anyway,” I said, sticking up for him like I usually did.

“Yeah, but it would have been nice to have him here for this final chapter,” Darius grumbled.

“Not quite the final chapter,” Brad said, and then he reached into his briefcase and pulled out envelopes and handed them out to each of us.

“What is this?” Stef asked.

“I would suggest that you have but to open it up to find out,” Brad said, being a smart-ass.

Stef gave Brad a dour look, and then we all opened up our envelopes. It was on really nice stationery, the kind you use for wedding invitations and shit.

Mr. Bradley Schluter requests your presence at the groundbreaking ceremony for the Robert Hayes Memorial Stadium on July 3, 2002 in Claremont, Ohio. The ceremony will commence at 3:00pm. A private family reception will follow at the Claremont City Museum.

“Which stadium is this?” Will asked.

“They’re building a new high school in East Claremont,” Brad explained. “The stadium will be adjacent to it, so it can be used for high school sports, but it will be big enough to be used for other events as well. It’s set up so it’s administered by the city and school jointly.”

“And they’re naming it for Robbie?” Darius asked. “Cool.”

“With an appropriate financial contribution, they were willing to do that,” Brad explained. “This way, we can help out the town, and do something to memorialize Robbie that he would have appreciated.”

“He would have,” I said. “I’ll be there.” The others promised to attend as well.

“Did you invite Aunt Claire and her family?” Will asked. Darius snaughed.

“I did. And they agreed to attend,” Brad said.

“Pretty sneaky way to force them to go to the festival,” Will joked, making the rest of us chuckle as well. Claire, Jack, Marie, and John usually avoided the Fourth of July Festival in Claremont like the plague.

“Your father will appreciate that,” Stef said to Brad.

“Claire probably doesn’t,” Darius said. We laughed and joked about that for the rest of the way back to Malibu.

July 3, 2002

Claremont, OH

Brad

Darius had thought that the sale of the company was the final act in saying goodbye to Robbie, but in reality, today was just as significant. I sat there on the dais as my brother Nick talked about this new stadium. As the mayor, it made sense that he would grandstand a major event like this, and that was fine with me, since he was much more excited about talking to the crowd than I was.

He talked about Claremont’s renaissance, and how last year they’d dedicated the Claremont Mills, and the amphitheater that was named after my grandmother. He talked about the increased tax revenue from the economic activity caused by the influx of tech businesses here. He singled me out again as the chairman of Triton, one of the industry leaders who had made that happen, and I dutifully stood up and waved to thank the people who applauded.

Nick then handed the microphone to JP, who had become quite the civic leader here. That was a pretty impressive achievement for someone who lived thousands of miles away in California. JP talked about the old high school, and how Tonto had worked to build it, and how they’d used that to integrate Claremont, to make it one big happy community. I managed not to roll my eyes as he said that. He talked about how significant that was, but noted that it was some forty years old, and it had become dilapidated. It was time for a new school, with new technology, better able to educate the next generation of Claremont’s children.

He handed the microphone to the superintendent of Claremont’s schools, who had a nasal voice that seemed determined to put me to sleep. I let my mind wander, even as I kept tabs on him, so as not to miss my cue for the final part of this ceremony. Stef and I had donated an enormous amount of money to get this project rolling, and to name it after Robbie. Everyone on this stage had a motive for making this happen. For JP and Nick, it was to advance the city, and to enhance the educational system. For Stef, it was a nice way to memorialize Robbie. While that was a key motive for me, it wasn’t my main objective.

I’d stipulated that I would donate money to build the new stadium provided they built a new high school and provided they demolished the old one. That last provision had gotten some kickback from a lot of the city leaders, as they were convinced that it could be useful, possibly as an additional middle school, but I had been adamant. They thought I was being illogical, and Nick had, at one point, all but begged me to reconsider, but I refused, and ultimately they yielded to my wishes.

I looked out across this empty field that would soon become a stadium; a field once occupied by one of the nastiest neighborhoods in Claremont. Those houses, no more than shanties in my opinion, had been demolished, and the ground had seemingly been scraped clean by the bulldozers. On the other side of the field, the new high school was already under construction. And when that building was finished, and dedicated, and the students redirected to their new educational mecca, the wrecking crews would go over and tear down the old Claremont High School. They would take a wrecking ball and destroy the locker room where Robbie had been raped as a teenager. They would eradicate the place where he had been so violently assaulted, in an act that had scarred him for his entire short life. That was my motive, my main objective. I realized it was symbolic, but for me, that was important. Somehow, it was a way for me to ease his pain, in a karmic kind of way.

People were clapping, albeit less enthusiastically, and I knew that was my cue to get up and walk to the front of the stage and descend to the ground below. I nodded to my sons, Matt, Darius, JJ, and Will, who followed me and stood arrayed behind me as I grabbed the ceremonial shovel. I glanced back briefly at the dais to see Frank and mother smiling at me. Frank had been adamant that he would be here, and he would sit on the dais, but that was as involved as he was willing to be. The superintendent handed me the microphone, and I thankfully remembered to clear my throat before I held it up to my mouth. “With this shovel full of dirt, I hereby break ground on the Robert Hayes Memorial Stadium. I want to thank the City of Claremont, and the Claremont school system, for honoring my partner, a man who did so much to help this city in such a brief period of time. Your generosity will help keep his spirit alive, the spirit that was dedicated to rebuilding Claremont into the successful city you see around us.” And with that, I dug the shovel into the ground and paused as cameras flashed. The audience applauded loudly, and then there were more pictures of all of us with Nick, and with JP, and with other city officials.

I scanned the audience and saw Robbie’s mother there. Robbie had come to detest her ever since high school and they hadn’t had a civil word between them since 1985. I wondered briefly how she handled the guilt of rejecting her son for being gay, and for shunning him and his children. I focused my eyes on her, and she stared back at me, making a connection. Then she gave me the slightest of nods, a sign of her approval, a gesture I returned. The next time I saw Brenda Hayes White I was sure she would be just as big a shrew as she always was, but for that moment, she melted enough to let me know that she appreciated what I had done for her son.

I looked beyond her and saw two much more pleasant faces, people I hadn’t expected to be here. Wade and Cody were standing there. I grinned and winked at Cody, and he winked back at me. I’d been avoiding him, knowing I wasn’t ready for any kind of intimacy, and he’d respected that. I hadn’t seen him for a few months, and even then, our conversations had been brief. Sex had been a part of our friendship since Robbie and I had our problems in 1999, so it was kind of strange that I had pushed him away. Or at least it seemed that way until my psychologist had helped me figure it out. He helped me see that I’d pushed Cody away because I’d seen him as a reminder of all that as wrong with my relationship with Robbie.

Wade was a different matter entirely. With him, I’d had wild, crazy, uninhibited sex. Damn that had been fun. Only with him, it had been a way to get back at Robbie by hurting Matt, and it had also been a way to do something wrong, something secret. It had been my way of saying ‘fuck the world’, the world that had taken my partner from me. But as I looked at Wade, I didn’t feel the lust I’d felt before. I simply felt friendship.

“You ready?” Will asked, prodding me. Of all the people in my life, he’d been the biggest rock for me as I’d struggled through the aftermath of 9-11. Even after the deal with Wade, even though he’d been pissed at me, he’d been there for me. I nodded and followed him to the waiting cars.

“That was a very nice ceremony,” Stef said, as soon as we were safely behind the closed doors of the big limousine.

“I’m glad you liked it,” I said, then turned to JP. “You did a very good job.”

“Thank you,” he said, and gave me a slight grin. “The school board asked me again if I would try and persuade you to let them keep the old high school.”

I shook my head emphatically. “No. It was part of the deal, and it’s going under the wrecking ball.”

“That certainly is your right, and it is the deal you made with them, but I am wondering why that is so important to you?” Stef asked.

“The showers where Robbie was raped, that event that scarred him,” I said, getting their attention. “I’m eradicating all the traces of it.” They all knew how irrational that was, but they looked at me with the indulgent expressions someone would give to an eccentric old aunt. I didn’t care about that at all. I was doing this for me, and for Robbie. Fuck the school board.

We got back to the Claremont City Museum, which was Tonto’s old house. We were allowed to use it during the holidays, and we tried to do that as much as possible to annoy Robbie’s mother and the fundamentalist nutjobs at her church. The caterers were hard at work, preparing hors d’oeuvres for our group, and then the dinner that would follow.

Claire and Jack arrived right after we did, along with John and Marie. The kids vanished almost immediately to go find Will, Darius, and JJ. “That was a lovely ceremony,” Claire said to me.

“Was it worth a trip to Claremont and the festival?” I asked, teasing her.

“Ask me on the flight home,” she said. “We still have another day here.”

“And anything can happen,” I joked. I was chatting away with her, and then with Nick, when I saw Wade and Cody come in.

“You brought quite the crowd with you this year,” Nick said. “Thanks.”

“My pleasure,” I lied. “Excuse me.” I left him, and targeted myself on that gorgeous blond hair that sat on top of Cody’s head. “Hey there,” I said pleasantly to both of them, but my attention was focused on Cody.

Wade sensed that and smiled. “I’m going to go track down Matt and see if he wants to hang out with me.”

“I’ll bet he does,” I said. Wade winked at me and strolled across the room toward Matt.

“The question is do you want to hang out with me?” Cody asked, and I could see then how much my rejection had hurt him.

“Come on,” I said, taking his hand and leading him into what had been my grandfather’s study. I closed the door and turned to face him. “I’m sorry.”

“I could tell you didn’t want me around, so I stayed away,” he said, acting like it was cool, but being unable to hide his bitterness.

“You were right, but it was me just being completely fucked up,” I said. “I have a party I have to host, but maybe you’ll let me explain things to you after that?”

“What if I get a better offer?” he asked, teasing me.

“Clearly you’ve forgotten how good I am,” I said, acting conceited.

“I thought we were going to talk, not fuck,” he said, moving in and wrapping his arms around me. I hugged him back, pulling him in tightly, then moved in and kissed him. It was a gentle kiss, with our lips only softly touching, but it was electric with feeling.

“We’re gonna fuck,” I said, cracking him up.