Flux - 38. Chapter 38

August 1, 2002

Mayfair, London

Wade

I sat in my room, staring out the window, trying to hide how distraught I was. Alex had gone out to meet some of his friends for drinks, but I’d opted to stay here. Part of the reason for that was to deal with all the shit that was going on back in the US, and part of it was to recover from my hangover. We’d gone out last night, to yet another celebration of Her Majesty’s Golden Jubilee. The public events had happened in June, and I’d thought we missed it, but evidently that was just a prelude to the summer parties.

I paused to consider how much I was enjoying myself. Alex had taken me under his wing and introduced me to his friends, but I think even he was surprised at how well I fit in with them. Going out with them was really no different than going out with my friends in DC. They were, almost to a person, wealthy, young, and upper class. The only real difference, as I saw it, was that many of them had titles, but I’d learned, with Alex’s coaching, that if I used them once, to show respect, after that they were discarded and a more casual relationship took over. As an American aristocrat, I meshed in quite easily with Alex’s set.

Last night we’d gone to a really impressive bash, and I’d met Prince William and Prince Harry. Alex had coached me, telling me how to address them, since we were required to be more formal with heirs to the throne. I’d liked them both, and they were nice enough to me. I think they showed me that the most by just relaxing, even though I was there. Alex had explained that the press was constantly hounding the two of them, so they tended to put up rather high barriers to keep out people who may leak things about them. That’s why I was so flattered that they were at ease around me. William was much more serious than Harry, but I felt an affinity toward him because of how in control he was. He was flirting with a lovely brunette named Kate Middleton, whom he’d met at university. They seemed to be quite enamored with each other, something which Alex confirmed, but I think they all knew that their secret was safe with me. Harry was a much wilder child. I cringed when I thought that if I was more like William, Matt was more like Harry.

I had wondered how Alex’s group of friends would treat me, since it’s no secret that I’m gay. He’d reassured me that they wouldn’t care, but I hadn’t really believed it wouldn’t be an issue until I’d gone out with them. I was pleasantly surprised when no one seemed to give a shit, which was a bit of a contrast from the US, where even within my social group, I sometimes got strange looks.

I thought about Alex and smiled. It was hard to believe I’d only known him for two weeks, because we’d gotten so tight so quickly. I’m such an organized person, and so deliberate with my plans, that I usually didn’t believe in love at first sight, but that’s what had happened with Alex. From the minute I’d met him here in London, I’d felt an overwhelming attraction to him. That shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone, since Alex was hot, really hot, but my connection with him was so much more than that. It wasn’t his golden blond hair that fired me up as much as it was his cultured mind. It wasn’t his gorgeous blue eyes that sucked me in, but it was his polite demeanor. It wasn’t his amazingly sexy accent; it was the words that came out of his mouth. And it wasn’t his slim, fit body, but how similar our interests were.

I’d felt drawn into his vortex with that first meal Matt and I had with him at the pub here in London. There was a connection between us, and I could tell he felt it too. He had a girlfriend, and I was here with Matt, but despite that, we were drawn to each other like magnets. When he’d invited us out to Bridgemont, I’d almost turned him down, because I didn’t know if I could fight the feelings that were pulling me toward him. But those feelings overruled my brain, and Matt and I had agreed to go with him.

When we got there, it only became worse. For four days, Matt, Alex and I had enjoyed the country, and during those four days, I’d gone from being attracted to him, to being completely infatuated with him. I knew Matt could tell, and I felt bad because I knew it was hurting him, but I didn’t know if I could stop it, and I was sure that I didn’t want to. All my life, I’d been so organized, and so in control, yet when I met Alex, I turned into a lovesick schoolgirl. I could feel myself getting more and more into Alex, and even as I did that, I could feel myself getting more distant from Matt. Matt was so tuned into me, it was hard for me to hide it, but it got to the point where I almost didn’t care. Not that I didn’t care about Matt, but I didn’t care that he saw my attraction to Alex. And when Matt and I had sex at Bridgemont, it was all I could do not to fantasize that it was Alex I was with instead.

When JP had called Matt and told him they were going to Paris, and that was our cue to leave too, I resisted that so strongly it surprised me. My duty and my obligation were to stay with Matt, and to go with everyone to Paris. In the past, I would have wrestled my mind under control and done what I was supposed to, but when it came time to do it, I just couldn’t. Matt read me so well, and even though I could see the sadness in his eyes, when he offered me the chance to stay here in England, I’d jumped at it.

The night after Matt left, the guilt started, the guilt over knowing how badly I had treated him. We’d come on this trip to be together, almost as a last hurrah before we went our separate ways, yet I’d all but dumped him here in a foreign country, in the middle of our trip. That told me more about my attraction to Alex than anything. That I could be rude, and commit such a horrible breach of etiquette, and hurt a man I still loved, told me that my infatuation with Alex was moving into dangerous ground. It was almost becoming an obsession.

That night, Alex and I had dinner, and then we’d gone out onto the terrace to enjoy an after-dinner drink. I could still remember it like it was yesterday. He’d asked me what was wrong, and I’d told him how guilty I’d felt about staying here when Matt left. I had opened up to him on our rides about my relationship with Matt, how we’d come together, fallen apart, and come back together again, so he knew how deep my feelings were. He’d stood up and led me to the edge of the terrace and held my hands in his, and asked me why I’d stayed. I’d swallowed hard, and told him that I stayed because I wanted to be with him, and that I was attracted to him. I hadn’t known until that moment if this was just a big dream on my part. It was quite possible that he’d turn out to be completely straight, and reject me out of hand. But he didn’t. Instead, he’d pulled me in and kissed me, a gentle and loving kiss that sent tingles surging through my body. That night, we’d slept together. I’d blown him, and he’d jacked me off, and even though that was a whole lot less intense than fucking someone, because it was Alex, it had that level of meaning.

Matt had called me when he got to Paris, and the thought of leaving Alex and meeting him there was agonizing, so I’d told him that I’d just stay here and go on to Boston. I knew Matt well enough to know that he was jealous of Alex and me, and even though he’d hidden it well, when I’d dropped that bomb on him, he’d finally lost it, and let me see how much I’d hurt him. I’d hoped that he’d accept my bald statement about going back on my own and not make a big deal about it, even though I knew it was probably too painful for him to do that.

But just like before, Alex had propped me up, and helped me get my act together. He told me that he wanted to be with me, and I told him I wanted to be with him. We’d never really talked about being a couple, so I was kind of surprised that he said that, but I found myself feeling euphorically happy. I thought of all that Matt had done to wish me well in my relationship with Alex. He’d been incredibly polite here at Bridgemont, and he’d been supportive until I’d told him I wasn’t coming to Paris. It would have almost made Alex look selfish if he weren’t just as nice. I’d told him that Matt was a very sexual being, and he’d picked up on that and told me that if I wanted to have sex with Matt, he would be OK with it. He was adamant that Matt was the only other person he’d be willing to tolerate me fucking around with. He told me that he thought sex was an important part of our friendship, and that if I cut that off, it would make things even harder on Matt. I had been stunned by that, by his willingness to share me even when I didn’t have to share him, and his amazing read on how Matt and I were linked. He suggested that I go to Paris and talk to Matt, something I knew I had to do, but avoided; while he broke up with his girlfriend.

When I’d gotten to Paris, I’d planned to apologize to Matt for dumping him, but he’d come into the apartment, walked up to me and held my hands, just like Alex had. It had sent me into a tailspin, and I’d reacted badly. He’d basically had to argue me into a corner to get me to admit what I already knew I’d done wrong, and then I’d finally confessed to him how into Alex I was. It had been truly awful to see how sad that made him. I could tell when he saw me standing there in the apartment in Paris that he thought I had decided to rejoin him, and to be with him. I’d known I was going to have to really hurt him, and that had churned my insides. But as was so typical of him, he put himself out there to make this easy on me. It had only made me love him more, and that only made me feel more guilty.

I’d told him that I’d slept with Alex, even though we hadn’t fucked yet. I didn’t see the need to split hairs over the specific activity. It would have been so easy to go off with Matt and heal his psyche with my body. Alex had given me his blessing, and all but told me to go fuck Matt, but I just couldn’t. And I couldn’t tell Matt the real reason for that. The only person I’d even hinted about it to was Brad. Matt ignited my body, and if he’d done that, it would’ve only exposed how unsatisfying sex with Alex was.

I’d gotten back from Paris, and Alex had told me how Matt had called him, and it was like a huge pan had been slammed against my head. I knew Matt loved me, but I’d blown him off to be with Alex, and I’d hurt him really badly. Despite that, he’d gone out of his way to help Alex and me be together. He’d all but given us his blessing. It was like the deal with Brad and me, where he’d said that even if it made him unhappy if we were together, it was worth it for me to be happy. He had once again taken a huge emotional hit just to help me be happy. I’d been here with Alex, who I was probably falling in love with, but I also had Matt doing everything to make me love him even more.

I sighed. Even though Matt and I weren’t technically together, I’d all but broken up with him in Paris. Until I’d done that, I’d felt as if there was a limit to how intimate I could be with Alex, and that’s why I hadn’t pushed him to make love to me. I had assumed that he felt the same way about his girlfriend. But when I’d gotten back from Paris, those chains were broken. We’d ended up in bed a few nights later, doing our normal frotting, sucking, and jerking, when I’d moved things farther, and basically coaxed him into fucking me.

I sighed again, got up from the desk, then went over to the bed and lay on my back. Alex and I were compatible on so many levels, but the one area where we were a total mismatch was sex. I’d always thought Matt was a total horn dog, and I’d often lamented that I didn’t have an active enough libido to keep up with him. In this case, the tables were entirely turned. I was fine with having sex once a day. That made me happy, and it kept me satisfied. Alex didn’t need to do it as often, and I got the feeling that every other day, or perhaps even longer, would be fine for him. At first I’d thought that was about me, or maybe it was because I was a man and he really preferred women, but I had become pretty good at reading him, and I got that it wasn’t that. He just wasn’t all that horny.

Only the frequency of sex wasn’t really even the biggest problem. I could have been fine with having sex every other day or so and jacking off in between, if it was good sex, but it wasn’t. From the first time he kissed me, Alex had been a gentle and caring lover. Before we made love and were focused on oral and manual stimulation, he would gently caress my body, even as he gave me soft kisses. I’d thought that maybe when we moved onto fucking, that would change, but it didn’t. He was still the same way: gentle and loving. I’d had amazing sex with Matt ever since he’d saved me from being molested by my father, but I hadn’t really learned what would set me free until I’d slept with Brad. Brad had awakened something in me that I hadn’t even known was there: a desire to be dominated in bed. I smiled when I remembered how Matt had finally figured out how to really satisfy me, and how he was the only one who could really give me those mind-bending orgasms. Brad was close, but not nearly as good as Matt. I didn’t need to have sex like that all the time, but I craved it some of the time.

I’d tried to get Alex to be more aggressive in bed, but that had fallen flat. Two nights ago, I’d been on top, being a power bottom, and instead of being turned on by my intensity, he’d actually gotten a bit turned off. I know he didn’t mean to do it, but he had made me feel like a crazed slut. I knew, after that experience, that it probably wasn’t going to be possible to get Alex to really give me what I wanted, and maybe needed.

I lay in bed, contemplating that a relationship with Alex had a lot of benefits, and I realized that I already probably loved him, at least a little bit. But if I went down this road with him, I would be surrendering my sexual satisfaction as the cost. I wondered if he knew he was like this, and was willing to sanction me being with Matt to help satisfy my sexual urges.

Other than that fly in the ointment, I’d been blissfully happy here in England with Alex. I’d looked ahead to our move to Boston with apprehension, knowing that we’d have other pressures that would change our relationship. Then this afternoon, those pressures had come crashing in on me like a ton of bricks. The first problem was JJ, and his threat that he wouldn’t move to Boston. I’d been here in England, just assuming that the contractors would get everything done on the house in Boston, and he’d called me on my lack of attentiveness. I was normally so organized and on top of things, but I’d all but ignored that project. I didn’t like JJ; he was a spoiled, whiney diva. But if he didn’t move to Boston, it was unlikely that Tiffany would move to Boston, and that meant it was unlikely that my son Riley would end up there. I felt a huge lump of guilt over having spent most of my summer gallivanting around instead of spending time with Riley. I had rationalized that by assuming that he’d be in Boston with me, but suddenly that was at risk.

The second was the scathing call I’d had with Will. He and I were tight, but he’d been with Matt constantly since Paris, and he’d seen Matt grapple with my relationship with Alex. He’d lashed out at me, in that way that he has, and had told me what a complete asshole I’d been. Will was often dramatic, and his tendency to look at things in black and white terms could be maddening, but this time, he’d been spot on. He’d called me out for what I’d done to Matt, and he’d been exactly right. I’d led Matt on by building the intimacy with him, and then I’d dropped him like a rock and crushed him. Will had accused me of being like my mother, who was the devil incarnate, and I’d at first written that off as excessive language from him, but I’d had time to consider his words. My mother’s problem was that she really didn’t give a shit about people, even the people she loved. I’d treated Matt just like that.

Will had told me that I was just torturing Matt by calling and talking to him. I’d told myself that I called him because he was glad to hear from me, because I liked talking to him, and because I wanted to keep our friendship alive, but Will’s words had made me realize that wasn’t fair. Matt needed me to leave him alone. Every time we talked, I knew I was just reminding him of what he’d lost. My phone rang, and the caller-ID said it was Matt. I laughed at the irony and didn’t answer it. I figured that if it was important, he’d leave me a message. I saw my message light blinking, and listened to it. “Wade, it’s Matt. I need you to call me as soon as you can. It’s urgent.”

I called him back immediately. “Hey,” he said when he answered. He sounded really down.

“Sorry I missed your call. I couldn’t find my phone,” I lied.

“That’s fine,” he said.

“You said I needed to call you back, and that it was important.”

“I got my test result back,” he said. “It came back positive.”

“I am so sorry,” I said, and felt my eyes tearing up. To most people, the idea that Matt would be HIV positive wouldn’t seem surprising, but I knew how religiously he practiced safe sex. Then again, maybe after the whole 9-11 nightmare and our breakup, he’d been more careless.

“Wade, it’s fine. Just please tell me that you got tested and you’re negative.”

“I got tested and I’m negative,” I said. I’d gotten the results back this morning.

“Thank God,” he said, relieved. “I guess all that time you were giving me shit for whoring around, you were right.”

“Matt, don’t go there. What’s done is done.”

“Easy for you to say,” he grumbled. “Now every guy I get with I’m going to have to lay that out there for him, and he’ll probably just freak out and run away.”

“I think that if a guy likes you, he’ll probably be willing to deal with it,” I said.

“Yeah, well when Cam found out, he ran out of here so fast you’d have thought he was a fucking sprinter.”

“I’m sorry,” I said sympathetically. “Are they sure you’re positive?”

“They said they’re going to run some more tests,” he said. I could hear in his voice how devastated he was, and I knew then what I had to do, what I owed him.

“I know this is a bad time, but I’m wondering if you could do me a favor.”

“If it’s about JJ, I already tried to calm his ass down,” he said. “No luck.”

“Thanks for trying,” I said, “but that’s not what I was talking about.”

“What do you need, Wade?” he asked me, with a tone that told me he’d do anything for me.

“I have to fly to Boston tomorrow and work on making sure the house gets finished. I know this is asking a lot, but if you don’t have plans, I could really use your help.”

“What kind of help would I be?” It had already started; he was already losing confidence in himself and his abilities.

“You’ve been following the construction on your own apartment, so you’ll understand some of this shit, and you’re really good at reading people. I need to know if these guys are going to get this done or not.”

“I’ll try.”

“And if nothing else, it will be nice to have someone there for moral support,” I said.

“Isn’t Alex coming with you?” He’d asked that in an even tone, trying to keep the bitterness out, but I knew him well enough to hear it.

“No, he can’t make it.” I thought he’d be easier to convince. “Look, you’re probably busy, and it was wrong of me to impose on you.”

“No, that’s fine,” he said. “I’m not exactly at my best right now.”

“I understand.”

“I’ll catch a flight to Boston as soon as I can.”

“I’ll book rooms at that same hotel we were at before. If you get there before me, the front desk will give you a key.”

“Alright,” he said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” We ended our call, and I sprang into action, making hotel reservations, and booking a flight out for me. I had gotten spoiled with private jets, but I decided to just fly on an airline this time, since it was international.

I’d just finished taking care of that when Alex came in. “Hullo,” he said, and he was cute because he was slightly drunk.

“Hey,” I said, and kissed him.

“What have you been up to?”

“I have to go to Boston tomorrow,” I told him.

“Already?”

“JJ is threatening to not move because the house isn’t done, so I have to go browbeat the construction people so we all have a place to live.”

“When are you coming back?” It bothered me a little that he didn’t offer to go with me, but in the end, I was relieved that I didn’t have to have that conversation.

“As soon as I can,” I said.

“Maybe I should give you an incentive,” he said, raising his eyebrows. In no time at all we were both naked, and his dick was sliding into me. He’d shown no inclination to bottom, and had been really uncomfortable when I’d tried to play with his ass, but I was OK with that. I was wondering if he’d be a little wilder now that he was a bit drunk, but I was to be disappointed. After we were done and lying there together, I pondered that when it came to sex, it would probably always be like that: disappointing.

August 2, 2002

Meigs Field, Chicago

Matt

“I thought the plane was supposed to go back to New York yesterday?” I asked Will as we boarded the Gulfstream.

“I asked Dad to wait until today.”

“Why?”

“In case you needed to go somewhere,” he said. “Worked out, since you do.” He was so fucking smart, it was scary.

“You thought I was freaking out?” I asked, not a little outraged.

He shrugged. “You were. I just thought that it would be a good idea to have the plane handy.”

“Thanks,” I said. “You know, this whole thing has pretty much sucked, but you’ve really had my back.”

“I’m your brother,” he said. “That’s my job.”

“You do it well,” I said. We felt the plane taxi, then lift off, as it headed to Boston.

“You excited to see Wade?”

I gave him an annoyed look, then relaxed. “It’s typical of how I feel about Wade these days. I’m excited to see him, but I’m also nervous.”

“Why would you be nervous? Shit, he already dumped you.”

“This whole thing with me being positive is just a reminder of what a man slut I’ve been. He put up with that all through college, and here it is, biting me in the ass.”

“You think he’s mad about that?” I didn’t say anything. “It’s not like Wade to carry a grudge.”

“I’m just worried that with this latest thing, he’s decided that I’m too fucked up to have in his life at all,” I said morosely.

“That would probably be the best favor he could do for you, but that’s not his way,” Will said.

“I guess I’ll find out in a few hours when he gets to Boston,” I said. I didn’t know when we’d arrive, and I didn’t know when Wade was getting in. “What are you doing?”

“Going to Maui with Dad,” he said. I tried not to get sad about that, but it was hard. My memories of Maui were mostly memories of what an amazing time I’d had there with Wade. Ever since I’d found out I was positive, I’d been really depressed, and it seemed like anything, even the mention of a place like Maui, could get me down.

“You guys should have fun,” I said. “You going there to surf?”

“I’m sure we will, but I don’t know if that’s the reason.”

“He didn’t tell you?”

“He didn’t,” Will said. “I figured that after our conversations yesterday, I was lucky he invited me to go along at all.”

“He still loves you, even when he’s pissed at you.”

“I know that,” he snapped, making me chuckle. “So what are you doing after Boston?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “Maybe I’ll try to catch up with Tiffany and JJ, and see Riley and Maddy.”

“Let me know,” he said. “I’m pretty open, except for this Hawaii deal, until August 6^th or 7^th.”

“That’s when Zach flies back?”

“Yep, and that’s when Stef flies out to Chicago to check on the construction,” he said.

“For a busy guy, he’s sure taking time to make sure this gets done. I don’t know how to thank him.”

“I can think of a way,” he said, cracking us up. “Maybe you can make Wade understand that’s why JJ is pissed at him.”

“Wade just didn’t want to leave Alex to come back,” I said morosely. “And it just shows how important Alex is to him that he’d risk not having Riley around to do it.” Will didn’t say anything about that, since there wasn’t anything to say. We both closed our eyes and napped for the rest of the flight to Boston.

We landed, and Will gave me a really warm hug as I got ready to get off the plane. “Take care of yourself,” he said meaningfully. “If you need something, just call.”

I paused to realize how good it was to have Will in my corner. He’d fight like hell for me. “Thanks. I will.” I walked off the plane, grabbed my bag, and hopped into the car for the brief drive to the hotel. With the time change, and our relatively late departure, it was 1:00 by the time I got to the hotel.

“I’m Matt Carrswold. Wade Danfield reserved a room for me.” I said to the front desk dude.

“It’s right here,” he said, pulling up the reservation. He gave me a key, and beckoned a bellman to help me with my bags. I let him, and followed him up to my room. I was really surprised that it was a suite, and a big one at that. There was only one bedroom, with a king sized bed, so that was even more surprising. I smiled, thinking how nice it was that Wade had reserved a suite just for me.

The cute bell guy gave me a tour of the suite, and my instincts were to hit on him, but I held back. I was a tainted man now. I couldn’t just have sex with a guy without telling him I was positive. That’s what Kevin had done to Brad, and that had blown any relationship they might have had out of the water. If I wasn’t honest about this, even if I used protection, I’d end up as a pretty shitty person. People would hate me, but worse, I’d hate myself.

I ordered room service and pigged out, then took a shower and climbed into bed. I wondered if this fatigue was part of the disease I was carrying around with me. I wondered if I’d be able to keep my energy up and have a job and go to school.

I fell asleep, and must have been dreaming, because I felt a body molded up against mine. I smiled, because it had to be Wade’s body. Only he felt this good, only he could bond himself to me like this. I flowed along, in a blissful sleep, until I realized that it wasn’t a dream.