Flux - 33. Chapter 33

July 24, 2002

Paris

Matt

I was used to hotels, so it was a little strange to find myself here in this strange city, walking into an apartment building. I was pretty much planning to head straight up to their apartment, but there was a man there, presumably the concierge, who stopped me.

“May I help you?” he asked in French. My French wasn’t horrible, but I could only understand it if people spoke slowly, and I usually had to build my sentences before I said them.

“I am staying with Professor Crampton and Monsieur Schluter,” I said, probably slaughtering the pronunciation. “My name is Matt Carrswold.”

“Ah yes, of course,” he said, checking a list. “Let me call and let them know you are on your way up.” He dialed the phone and then babbled quickly; the only distinguishable words which I understood were my name. “Take that elevator to the top floor,” he said, gesturing to a small door behind him. The small door was not misleading, because it opened up to reveal a tiny elevator, which hauled my bags and me up to the top floor without a whole lot of room to spare. I walked out into a foyer, and saw that the door to the apartment was already open, with Will and Zach standing there waiting to greet me. “Welcome to France!” Will said, and gave me a really nice hug.

“Thanks,” I said. “It’s good to be here.” Zach gave me a really warm greeting too. It was nice; our time together in Hawaii, especially our conversation while walking on the beach, had brought us a lot closer.

“Where’s Wade?” Will asked, appropriately enough.

“He was having a lot of fun in the country, so he decided to stay there for a few more days,” I said, forcing myself to sound like it was no big deal.

“Cool,” he said, even as he looked at me quizzically. He led me in and showed me around the apartment, and indicated which room I’d be sleeping in, so I left my bags there. Then he guided me up to the roof. I greeted JP and Stef warmly, then walked over to the railing of the balcony and gazed out at Paris. What a beautiful view! It felt like we were floating above the city, far enough up to avoid the hubbub, but low enough to feel like part of it.

I heard footsteps on the stairs and turned to see Brad walking out onto the deck. We smiled at each other and I gave him a big hug. I was so glad he and I were at a good place. “I’m glad you finally made it,” he said.

“I’m glad to be here too,” I said, and I meant that. The last thing I wanted to do was to be back at Bridgemont.

“What did you do with Wade?” Stef asked.

“Have a seat,” JP said, before I could answer. He gave Stef a dour look for grilling me before even giving me a chance to decompress. “Would you like something to drink?” He was such a good host. His impeccable and refined manners inevitably reminded me of Wade. And Alex. There was a cooler on the deck, so I grabbed a beer and sat down with them.

“Wade decided to stay in England for a bit,” I said. I’d planned to keep my guard up, and put on my happy face, but as I sat there with these guys that I was so close to, that became impossible.

“Did you guys get in a fight or something?” Will asked with concern.

“No,” I said calmly, and then sighed. “We went up to Bridgemont, and Wade and Alex hit it off pretty well.”

“I don’t understand,” Zach said. “Are they together?” He was asking me, in his own way, if they were fucking.

“Not that I know of, or at least they weren’t when I left,” I said. Just visualizing the two of them having sex was enough to send me into a jealous tailspin. “It was just pretty obvious that Wade had a massive crush on him.”

“I was not aware that the Earl of Bridgemont was gay,” JP said.

“Is there some sort of formal registry, where he has to say that he is?” I asked JP, teasing him.

“Not that I know of,” he said in a frosty way, while Stef and Will giggled at him.

“So what happened?” Brad asked. Our eyes met, and I could see how concerned he was for me, and that was really touching.

“Alex is like the British version of Wade. They just clicked, and were pretty inseparable. It’s not like they were rude to me. Alex is a really nice guy. It’s just that they were really into each other.”

“So you felt out of place,” Will said. “Just like you did in Boston.”

“Just like I felt in Boston,” I agreed.

“So they’re together?” Zach asked again. He was still trying to figure out if they were having sex. It would have been hilarious if the topic weren’t so disturbing.

“I don’t know,” I reiterated. “I don’t know if Wade is fucking him, or if Alex is even interested in a romantic relationship with Wade. I just know Wade, and he was totally focused on this guy.”

“Dude, he’s pretty hot,” Will said. “He’s got that accent, and he’s a fucking earl. It makes sense that Wade would think he’s cool.”

I grimaced, as I acknowledged that Alex had all of those traits, while I didn’t. “I think that was the initial attraction, but it seemed like more than that.”

“Did Alex seem to feel that way about Wade?” JP asked, and then got uncomfortable, as if he were prying where he shouldn’t be.

“I don’t know Alex well enough to tell,” I said honestly. “I mean, it could be that they’re just developing a really good friendship, but it’s more than that for Wade. I can definitely read him.”

“And they’ll both be in Boston this fall,” Will said, driving that painful point home.

“That’s something else they have in common. And it looks like Alex is pretty much planning to live there with Wade.” On the night before I left, he and Wade had a conversation and more or less formalized that, to the point that Wade was allocating a bedroom in the house to him.

“Dude, I can handle that,” Will said. “I can get JJ to drive him away in a week, maybe less.” That was funny, and made us all laugh.

“No,” I said. “If Alex makes Wade happy, that’s awesome. It will give him a friend there, and they’re both in a new city.”

“Did you leave on good terms?” Brad asked.

“You’re asking me if I threw some jealous temper tantrum, and made a big scene?” I asked with a smile. “Like you.” Brad gave me a fake frown.

“No, you’d never do that,” Will said sarcastically, giving me shit.

“I actually was so calm and cool, I could have been JP,” I said.

“No way I’m believing that,” Will said.

“That does sound a bit farfetched,” Stef said. I chuckled with them. Here I’d been so fucking miserable that I’d avoided these guys, worrying that I’d pollute them with my bad mood. I’d forgotten about their ability to cheer me up. It was working pretty damn well.

“Besides, I have been known to have my volatile moments,” JP observed.

“You?” Brad challenged.

“I said moments,” JP replied. “Moments are short and infrequent. As opposed to your disposition, which usually lends itself to volatile eras.”

“Ha ha ha,” Brad said sarcastically, while the rest of us genuinely laughed.

“Your moments can be intense,” Stef said to JP, getting a frown from him in return. Then they all looked at me to answer the question.

“I told Wade I needed to meet you here, that it was an obligation,” I said to JP. “And while that’s not true, I used that as an excuse to escape.”

“I will not let that offend me,” he said, keeping things light.

“Good,” I said, smiling at him. “It was pretty obvious that Wade didn’t want to go, so I suggested that he stay there and meet us here in a few days.”

“And he obviously opted to do that,” Stef said.

“He was annoyed when I mentioned leaving, and relieved when I suggested he stay. So I decided to head over here by way of the ferry and the train, so that took me a little longer.” The fact that I did that, told them all that I was a little more upset about this than I’d led them to believe.

“Well, we will have fun here in Paris, with or without Wade,” Stef said.

“Sounds good,” I said.

“Since everyone else is paired off, it looks like you’re stuck with me,” Brad joked.

“Does that mean I get to sleep with you?” I asked flirtatiously.

“Sure,” he said, getting strange looks from everyone. “I’ve slept with guys and not had sex with them,” he said to them.

“Right,” Zach said, and that really made us laugh.

“I’m going to call Wade and let him know I made it here,” I announced, even as I wondered if he gave a shit or not. “How long are we going to be here?”

“Our plan was to leave on the 30^th,” Stef said. “I was thinking that perhaps you would like to stop in Chicago and check up on the progress on your apartment.”

“I like that idea,” I said with a grin.

“We have to drop Zach off in Claremont too,” Will said sadly. I looked at Zach to explain that.

“My parents have decided that it was OK that I came here,” Zach said, rolling his eyes, “as long as I spend a week with them in Claremont.”

“They only said it was OK after you were over here and there was nothing they could do about it,” Will said, showing us how annoying he found Wally and Clara. Like we didn’t know that already.

“They promised me that they wouldn’t give me any crap about going back to De la Salle,” Zach said. “That’s worth a week in Claremont with them.”

“Maybe for you,” Will said dubiously.

“When does school start for you?” JP asked Zach.

“The semester starts on August 15, but I have to be in Concord by the 10^th for football,” Zach explained.

“What are you doing?” I asked Will. “Are you going to Claremont?”

“No,” he said, and was pretty annoyed about that. “It’s been made clear to me that I am not welcome.”

“That was part of the deal,” Zach said, and was really uncomfortable about it. “I have to spend time with them. They think Will would distract me.”

“He probably would,” I joked.

“Wally and Clara seem to think they have the right to ban me from an entire city,” Will said. “Even though there are at least three buildings in that town named after my family.”

“That was nice of you to be so agreeable,” JP said soothingly, which was pretty funny, since Will didn’t seem agreeable at all.

“So we’re leaving on the 30^th,” I summarized. “I’ll give Wade a call and let him know the plan.” I walked over to the railing and gazed out at the Arc de Triomphe as I dialed Wade’s number.

“Hey!” he said cheerfully as he answered the phone. He sounded out of breath, like he’d been riding. Or fucking.

“Hey there,” I said, forcing myself to be just as cheerful. “I just wanted to let you know that I made it to Paris.”

“That’s great,” he said. “How is it?”

“It’s beautiful,” I said. “This apartment is amazing. You’re going to love it!”

“I’m sure I would,” he said nervously.

“Would?” I asked.

“I think I’m going to just stay here, and then fly out to Boston to check up on the house.” I just stared off at the Eiffel Tower, too crushed to really respond. “Matt?”

“Yeah,” I answered, forcing my voice to sound normal. “There was some interference. I didn’t hear you. What did you say?” I’d heard him loud and clear, I was just stalling to give my mind a chance to grapple with it. It wasn’t working.

“I said I was thinking of staying here and just flying straight back to Boston to check up on the house,” he repeated.

“Alright,” I said. I’d done so well up until now, keeping my sadness hidden. I didn’t think he’d totally blow me off, and skip Paris entirely, so I wasn’t ready for that. It just blew through the shields I’d been throwing up. There was no way I could hide my disappointment, so I didn’t even try. “We’re flying back on the 30^th, if you change your mind.”

“Matt…” he began, and his tone told me he’d gotten how upset I was.

“Hey, I have to run. They’re all waiting for me. Call me later.” I tried to force my voice to be upbeat, but it sounded fake to me, and it certainly would sound fake to Wade. There really wasn’t anything I could do about that.

“Matt…” he said again.

“Gotta go,” I said, then ended the call. I so did not want to turn around and face them. I stared out at Paris, even as I felt them staring at my back. I opened my eyes wide, hoping that the air would dry up the tears before they fell out of my eyes, but that turned out to be another goal I didn’t accomplish.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Will standing next to me. “Are you OK?”

I shook my head, even as I let him guide me back over to the table where I sat back down. “He decided to stay in England. He said he’d just go ahead and fly back to Boston later.”

“Dude, I’m sorry,” Zach said.

“You’re doing better than me,” Brad said.

“How?” I challenged.

“Shit, it only took a lawyer to steal my date. It took a fucking earl to snag yours,” he said, reminding us of his date with Ben, who had ended up hooking up with Sean instead. That was pretty funny, funny enough to make me laugh, and to temporarily bring me out of my funk.

“You and I have to work on our moves,” I said to Brad, joking.

“He may have to,” Will said, gesturing at his father, “but you sure as fuck don’t.”

“Right,” Brad snipped.

I smiled at Will. It was really nice of him to prop me up like that, especially when I was pretty down. “Thanks.”

July 27, 2002

Paris

“I think I will head back to the apartment,” JP announced. We were shopping on the Champs Elysees with Stef, Julian, and Seth, Stef’s guard. I’d been ready to go back as soon as we got there, but I was doing my part to be a good team player. Brad had gone out with the boys today, and that left the three of us with no plans. Stef had immediately parlayed that into a shopping expedition.

“I’ll go with you,” I said hastily, before Stef could start whining at JP to try and convince him to stay. He gave us both nasty looks, but I could tell he wasn’t all that pissed off. I mean, we’d spent a couple of hours with him already. Besides, it was almost lunchtime, and I was hungry.

“Very well. I will stay here and shop with Julian.” Julian was this short, slight guy who was pretty bitchy until you got to know him.

“We will see you back at the apartment,” JP said, and gave him a relatively subdued kiss since we were in public. He and I all but fled from the store in case Stef changed his mind.

“Got away,” I joked, when we were safely clear of the store.

“Indeed,” JP said, and grinned at me. “Let’s get something to eat, and then we can walk back.”

“Sounds good,” I said. We’d just started walking when JP abruptly stopped in front of a restaurant.

“Let’s eat here.” That was pretty impulsive, and so unlike him, but I went with it.

“Fine with me,” I said, as we walked in and sat at a table. A waiter came up and JP spoke with him in his fluent French, while I tried desperately to understand what they were saying. The waiter returned relatively quickly with menus, so that’s what he must have asked for.

“I do not know if you remember hearing Isidore’s recollection of the second time we met, and the first time I met Ace,” JP mused.

“Didn’t you meet her at a restaurant?” I vaguely remembered her talking about it.

“I did,” he said. “This one.”

“Really?” He nodded. “That’s cool!” And it was. I looked around, trying to imagine how this must have looked in 1963, and how JP must have looked when he’d been here. He probably looked a lot like Alex, with his blond hair and aristocratic bearing. That almost depressed me, but I managed to move beyond it. We ordered some food, and sat there eating while he told me all about that trip, and how it had changed his life.

“Ace is more formally named André Charles,” JP explained. “Isidore named him André after his father, and Charles after Charles de Gaulle.”

“She was a fan of de Gaulle?”

“I am not sure, but there was an assassination attempt around the time Ace was born, so she chose to honor his survival in that manner,” he said.

“Hard to imagine that now,” I said, looking out at the prosperous boulevard.

“It is different now than it was,” he said. “Unfortunately, the food has not improved much.”

I laughed. “You’re just spoiled. You should eat on campus more.”

“I would rather remain spoiled,” he said.

JP paid our bill, then we continued our walk back to the apartment. Meals in Paris are slow, but fortunately they are more tuned in to American ways in touristy areas, so that one only took us about an hour. I wondered if that was what JP had explained to them when we first sat down.

We strolled down the Champs Elysees, going at a leisurely pace since it was a relatively hot day here in Paris. It was really pleasant, with JP pointing out things about Paris that I never would have learned about if I were with a tour guide. “You seem to know this city almost as well as you know Claremont.”

“Not quite that well,” he smiled. “Have you heard from Wade?”

“We haven’t talked,” I said. We walked on and said nothing for a bit. “I’ve been avoiding his phone calls.”

“I am sorry things did not work out for you,” he said.

“It was just that we’d been doing so well, really reconnecting. We were in Hawaii, and I asked him what the chances were that we’d be together in five years.”

“What did he say?”

“He gave us an eight out of ten chance,” I said.

“Those are good odds,” he said smiling.

“That was pre-Earl,” I grumbled.

“I thought that was the plan, that you would both be single. Did you think he wouldn’t meet someone else?”

“I guess,” I said. “I think it’s just the way that it happened.”

“Explain that to me.”

“I didn’t think he’d meet someone and go nuts over him while we were together,” I said. “I mean, this trip was all about us. About us being together before we were separated.”

“And that was his understanding as well?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said. There really wasn’t any confusion about that. “I know Wade’s going to meet guys when he’s in Boston. But he met this guy while he was with me.”

“And he chose Alex over you,” he said.

I nodded. “I thought he’d be in Boston, and he’d meet someone, and I’d hear about this guy, and if they were good together, I’d eventually meet him.”

“And you thought that when you went to Boston to visit Wade, while you were there, he’d make you the center of his world, and you could pretend that he loved you more than his new friend,” JP said.

“Is that so much to ask?” I knew that sounded ridiculous.

“What do you think?”

I gave him a dirty look. “Maybe it is.”

“I raised this issue, and I will be more than happy to drop it if I am prying,” he said, sensing that I was uncomfortable with the topic.

“No, that’s fine. I’d like your input.”

“Do you want me to be candid with you, or do you want me to couch things to try and make you feel better?”

“You can’t do both?” I joked. He just looked at me, waiting for me to respond. He was probably going to offend me, but there really was only one answer. “I would appreciate your candor.”

Usually when JP spoke about personal issues, he was very delicate and circumspect, but in situations like this where he had permission to speak his mind, he was remarkably frank. “There are two issues here. You are right about one, and wrong about the other.”

“Well, at least I’m at 50%,” I said, smiling. “I’m a ‘glass is half full’ kind of guy.”

He chuckled. “Optimism is usually good.”

“So how am I right and how am I wrong?”

“You are wrong to be jealous of Wade, and to let him see that you are,” he said pointedly. “You are not in a relationship, and have no commitment, so he is free to engage with other men, just as you are.”

“But we were together on this trip,” I said, and realized I was whining, so I shut up.

“You have a tendency to move onto a different topic when the current one is uncomfortable, or you are on the losing side of an argument,” he said, and not all that nicely.

“Fine,” I said grumpily.

“The correct response when you find yourself in error is to admit it, and then apologize if such a thing is necessary.” Wade had busted my balls about that a few times too.

“I’ll try to do better,” I said, which seemed to suffice. “I don’t think this is a jealousy issue.”

He stopped walking and looked at me. “Really?” He was annoyed with me, and hitting me pretty hard with this stuff. I could probably handle it from another person, but his approval was pretty important to me.

“Can we talk about how I’m right?” I asked, smiling at him. I desperately needed to protect my ego from his assault.

He seemed to sense my distress and nodded, then resumed walking. “You are right to be upset that Wade left you on this trip that you were taking together. That is rude, and something that is out of character for Wade.”

“And?” I sensed there was more.

“And I cannot see him acting that way unless it was important to him.”

“You mean unless Alex was important to him,” I said, trying to keep from sounding despondent.

“That is what I mean.”

“You’re telling me that this must be a pretty big crush, and a pretty big deal to Wade, for him to blow me off in the middle of Europe,” I paraphrased. I felt myself getting mad and sad at the same time.

He sensed that and put his hand on my shoulder to stabilize my emotions. “Visualize a situation where Wade realizes that he has erred, and apologizes to you.” I expected him to go on, but he didn’t, waiting for me to do as he said.

“Alright,” I said, and felt the anger fade a bit.

“Are you still upset?”

“Yeah,” I said, as if that should be obvious.

“Then those negative feelings you retain are due to jealousy,” he concluded. I frowned at him, irritated with him for maneuvering me into a situation where I had to admit he was right. That lasted until I realized he’d done it for my own good. “How did you handle things with Wade?”

I’d told him, more or less, but I guess he wanted confirmation from me as I looked at this through this new lens. “I think I did really well. I was the one who suggested he stay in England, and I think I did a pretty good job of hiding my jealousy.” He raised an eyebrow at my admission of having that vice, but I ignored him. “I didn’t get upset until he called and told me that he wasn’t going to meet me here.”

“Then I would submit that you have handled this very well,” he said.

“I have?” I wasn’t so sure about that.

“I explained that you had no right to feel jealous. If Wade’s perception of your actions was correct, then he will not know that you felt that way, or at least he will not be able to hold that against you.” I paused to ponder that all of that angst and sadness I’d hidden from him was one of the smarter things I’d done.

“I think I did a good job, but I can’t be sure. We were cheerful and happy when we said goodbye.”

“And you did not show him you were upset until he told you he was not joining you in Paris?”

I smiled at him, getting it. “I did not.”

“Then it seems to me that the only demons you must fight are those inside of you. It sounds as if you handled Wade correctly.”

“Thank God,” I said, smiling. “I don’t do groveling well.”

“You do when it is important.” In a strange way, that was a nice thing for him to say. “People have sometimes compared you to Brad. I think that in many ways you are similar, and one of those characteristics you share is something you must deal with.”

“Which characteristic? That we both like to sleep with Wade?” I was amazed that I was over that enough to joke about that.

“That is not the one that I had in mind,” he said, chuckling. “I am thinking, rather of your pride, and your male ego.”

“Is that a nice way of saying we’re both assholes?” I guess I was worried about what he would say, so I was trying to joke about it.

“I would have thought that was evident enough to require no couching on my part,” he joked back.

“So which characteristic?”

“On those occasions when Brad and Robbie were not monogamous, it was truly tortuous for Brad. He would feel inadequate, as if the reason Robbie had strayed was because he was not satisfying Robbie.”

He paused, as if waiting for me to say something. “I’d say that’s a fair assessment of how Brad felt, but I know that wasn’t the issue.”

“It wasn’t?” he asked.

“No,” I said. I’d talked to both of them about this. I paused momentarily to reflect that I was having a conversation about Robbie and it wasn’t even painful. “It had almost nothing to do with sex.”

“I would submit it is possible that you are thinking that Wade is chasing after Alex because there is something wrong with you,” he said.

“Wade already thinks there’s something wrong with me,” I groused.

“I am not breaking a confidence when I tell you that is nonsense,” he said. “You are both going to be going in different directions. This is not going to get any better. You will have to learn to deal with Wade dating other men, and perhaps choosing to spend time with them instead of you.”

“Why?”

“Because you are not a couple anymore. That means that both of you will probably develop other relationships. In that situation, if you are going to be intimately involved with Wade, I cannot see how you will be able to tolerate it if you do not learn to not let it bother you.”

I didn’t say anything, because I knew he was right. “I know this is going to be tough. I’m not sure if I can do that. I’m not sure how to do it.”

“I would like to make a suggestion.”

“Go ahead,” I said warily.

“I think you should spend some time with Casey and ask him to help you with this. You need to get a handle on your jealous nature, and that means grappling with your insecurities.”

“I don’t think I’m insecure,” I said. Usually I got shit for being too cocky.

“I think that the image of macho arrogance you put out front is in contrast to the man inside you,” he said.

“Macho arrogance?” I asked, and was about to get annoyed, until I saw him grinning slightly. He was giving me shit.

“I do not know why you would have these insecurities and self doubts,” he said. “As I look at you, it is inconceivable that you would feel that way.”

“Thanks,” I said, but I wasn’t convinced.

“I have had the pleasure of sleeping with you. Those memories are still quite vivid, because the experience was that good.” I stared at him, dumbfounded. JP never talked about that, about us sleeping together. He always acted embarrassed and changed the subject when it came up. “You were much younger then. I would have to believe that with your considerable experience, you have only gotten better.”

“Want to find out?” I asked, flirting with him. He blushed and I laughed. I got what he was doing. He was putting himself out there, making himself uncomfortable, to make a point, and to make me feel better. I stopped walking and made him look at me. “Thanks. That’s a really nice thing to say.”

“You are welcome. I would not have said it if it were not true.”

“How should I handle Wade?” I really wanted to know that, and unfortunately for him, I was more intent on knowing than he was reluctant to tell me.

“I think you should explain that to him, but in very calm and deliberate terms,” he suggested.

“I’ll call him when we get back to the apartment,” I said. It would be rude to call Wade when we were walking, and I really didn’t want to give up any of my time with JP.

Ironically enough, JP’s phone rang. He looked at his phone; presumably reading the caller-ID, then gave me an apologetic look as he answered. He was speaking in French, and speaking so quickly I was having a hard time following his conversation. I noticed that he had a slight smile, though, so I decided that it must not be bad news.

He hung up the phone and went out and flagged down a taxi without saying anything to me. It made me nervous that he was so focused, but I just went with the flow. He motioned for me to get in with him, gave instructions to the driver to take us back to the apartment, and then explained things to me. “As much as I was enjoying our walk, that was the concierge, alerting me that I have received a package at the apartment, so I need to get there more quickly.”

“I could have walked faster,” I joked.

“I am not sure I could have kept up that pace,” he said wryly.

“What’s in this package?”

He smiled. “I’ll make that a surprise.”

“Fine,” I said, and gave him a dirty look.

“Another trait you share with Brad. Your dislike of secrets,” he said.

“Whatever,” I said, in true Will-like fashion. The cab pulled up in front of the apartment, and JP paid him, tipping him well to presumably make up for the short ride. We walked into the building, and while we waited for the elevator, JP paused to hand the concierge some Euros.

“Thank you for handling my package,” he said. It was unfortunate for him that I actually understood that well enough to snicker at his double-entendre. He gave me an unpleasant look as we got into the elevator.

“I hope he handled your package well,” I said, raising my eyebrows. I couldn’t stop from laughing.

We got off the elevator, and then he unlocked the door, leading me into the apartment. Standing there, smiling nervously was Wade. “It would appear that the package arrived in good shape,” JP said.

“Very good shape,” I said, smiling back at Wade.