Flux - 17. Chapter 17

June 23, 2002

Palo Alto, CA

Matt

“We’ll send Pedro back to pick you up,” Will told me. Zach and Brad said nothing. Zach looked at me sympathetically, while Brad just looked guilty. I tried to decide which one was worse.

“That’s fine,” I said. They dropped me off in front of Casey Bridgeport’s office building, and then headed for Escorial. I went in and checked in with the receptionist, who gave me an odd look, probably because I wasn’t my normal, flirtatious self. After my big encounter with Brad, I’d just been so confused; I more or less just curled up on myself. I’d been quiet at breakfast, and I’d been quiet on the plane. The only thing I’d really done was to call and beg Casey to block out some time for me. He’d given up a piece of his Sunday morning for me, which was nice, but it was just one more thing to feel guilty about.

“Matt,” Casey said, pulling me out of my fog. I nodded, and he guided me back to his office. “You seemed upset.”

“I had a long talk with Brad yesterday, and it freaked me out,” I told him. “I didn’t know who else to talk to, so I could get perspective. Usually I talk to Wade, but he’s involved, so I can’t do that. I really appreciate you taking the time to meet with me.” That had just exposed how alone I really was, and how far apart Wade and I had drifted; a fact that had been even more depressing.

“I’m glad I had the time,” he said. “Tell me what happened.”

“It didn’t start out real well, but it ended up alright, I guess,” I told him. “It was basically more of the same shit. He apologized for fucking Wade, but only because it hurt me.”

“Did he tell you that he wanted to continue his relationship with Wade?”

“It’s like that’s his and Wade’s main objective,” I grumbled. “He said that Wade was his best friend. And he said that since this has happened, they’ve both pulled away from each other.”

“Isn’t that what you wanted?”

I ignored his question. “We were walking on the beach, and I got pissed off and turned around, heading away from him and back toward the house. Of course, with my luck, I managed to pick the same place where that had happened to him and Robbie, almost twenty years ago. He totally freaked out.”

“How did he do that?”

“It was like he spaced out, kind of went into this coma-like stage, where he had a flashback to that time.” I sighed. “I watched him, and I could see the emotions fly across his face. They were so strong and intense, it was really scary.”

“I’m assuming he came out of it?”

“Yeah. I tried to get him to respond to me, and when that didn’t work, I slapped him. That finally brought him out of it.”

“He wasn’t upset that you slapped him?” That was a reasonable question, since I’d already broken his nose, but when I slapped Brad on the beach, I wasn’t being violent, I was trying to help him come out of his trance.

“No, he didn’t seem to even notice it. He told me that this has happened to him before, where he’d time-warped back to an event. He said he could see things as clearly as if he was watching a movie.”

“It sounds as if he has some pretty intense repressed memories,” Casey said.

“He told me that he got pissed off at Robbie for cheating on him, or for dumping him for other dudes, while they were together. It was like he did a quick synopsis of their entire relationship. Then he remembered how they’d made up, and it made him happy. Then he said he’d actually heard Robbie talking to him, apologizing for leaving him behind. Then he said that he’d finally forgiven him for it.”

“How did he seem this morning?”

“Really happy,” I said. “That was almost weirder than anything.”

“I can’t diagnose him, but it’s unusual for someone to have such intense visualizations unless they are seriously traumatized,” he said.

“You’re saying that he was probably really fucked up.”

“In layman’s terms,” he said in his snarky way, which kind of made me smile. “Maybe he made his peace with Robbie, and that’s why he’s happy now.”

“Maybe,” I said.

“That’s all very interesting, but what does it really have to do with you? I mean, you smashed his nose, and all but hated the guy just a week ago. Why do you care?”

“Because I didn’t realize how totally messed up he was.” I sighed, and got up and walked over to the window to collect my thoughts. “Here’s an analogy. It’s like he was on a lifeboat, in the middle of the ocean, trying desperately to survive, and he grabbed for the one canteen of water, which happened to be mine, and drank it. So now I’m pissed at him for drinking my water.”

“You think he was desperate when he latched onto Wade, and you think that maybe this was the way he maintained his sanity?”

“That’s what I’m worried about,” I told him. “I’m worried that he and Wade are more important to each other than I thought.”

He eyed me carefully. “How does that make you feel?”

“Shitty,” I said.

“Why?”

I sighed. “We have all dealt with so much crap following these attacks. Those guys found some happiness with each other. I feel like a total dick for cutting them off from each other.”

He smiled at me. “That’s a very caring thing to say.” I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want his flattery. “How would you feel if Brad and Wade developed a romantic relationship?”

“According to Brad, that’s not part of their deal,” I said, even though I didn’t believe it. “He claims they’re friends, really good friends, and the sex just solidifies it.”

“But you don’t think so?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. And I don’t know that it matters.”

“I don’t understand.” That was pretty impressive. It was rare to stump Casey.

“I don’t see Wade and me together. I think we’ve both moved on. In a way, the relationship Brad described between him and Wade sounds a lot like how my relationship with Wade will ultimately end up being.”

“That’s a pretty big transition over a month,” he said. “Before graduation, you were determined to keep him in your life, and to be his partner.”

“I fought that battle, and I lost,” I said. “I don’t feel bad about it. It’s kind of sad, but I didn’t really lose Wade. We’re still friends, and he’s still really important to me, but we’re not as close. Things are just different.”

“I can see that.”

“I’m worried that this whole deal is going to ruin what Wade and I still have left of our relationship. I think that if I’m the buzz kill in this thing, if I’m the guy that cock blocks them, it will only make things worse for everyone.” He didn’t say anything, which meant he was waiting for me to go on. “Wade and Brad will both resent me for destroying what they have and either one of them could end up hating me for it. That’s going to create all kinds of tension, so when we’re all together as a family, it’s going to make things uncomfortable for everyone. And I think that if I do this, and if someday Wade and I are in a place to be together, he may decide that’s a good reason to keep his distance from me.”

He thought about things. “I think that what you’re saying is that you can be the good guy in this thing, and win some major brownie points with Brad, and even more importantly with Wade.”

“That makes me sound like I’m scheming,” I objected, freaking out that I was turning into Elizabeth Danfield.

“Not at all,” Casey said. “You say you don’t want to be with Wade, that you don’t want to be his partner. You say that, but I hear you laying the groundwork for that to happen someday.”

“I don’t know,” I said, even before I thought about his words. Maybe that was what I was planning, or thinking? “But like I said, this could be a reason for Wade to keep us apart. I’m not sure if I’ll ever want to be with him again, or if he’ll want to be with me again, but it would be nice not to burn a bridge, and to keep that option open, more or less.”

“When you think of Brad having sex with Wade, how does that make you feel?”

I instinctively cringed, and then I thought about it. Part of me wanted to be upset about it, and part of me was. But there was another part of me that didn’t think it was a big deal. “I don’t know.”

He actually got up from his chair and came over and sat on the couch with me. Normally he wouldn’t get that close to me, because I flirted with him so much. It was actually a really sweet gesture on his part. “What I hear you saying, Matt, is that you love both of these men, and you care about them.” I looked at him, and just nodded. “So what you’re proposing is that you step aside so they can be together, even if it hurts you.”

I stared at him blankly. “I don’t know if it will hurt me or not. I guess that’s the risk I take.”

“That kind of self-sacrifice is noble, and pretty mature,” he said, smiling at me. “It sounds like our boy is becoming a man.”

“This boy is all man,” I said to him in my sexiest voice, and leaned into him like I may just kiss him. And then he totally blew my mind, because he didn’t move away like he normally would have. Even though he knew that when I was flirting with him it was all play, and even though he had to know I wouldn’t plant a lip lock on him, it was a massive ego boost, when I needed it the most. I stood up, and then held out my hand to pull him up with me. “Thanks,” I said, then leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

“You’re welcome,” he said. I walked out of his office, feeling pretty good about things. I found Pedro waiting for me. Normally I would have been polite and chatted with him, but we didn’t really say anything as we drove back to Escorial. I was too busy pondering Casey’s words, and my own. I wasn’t sure if Brad and Wade still being together would fuck me up, but the one thing I was sure of was that if I didn’t find out, it would bug the shit out of me.

I thought about my life, and did a brief inventory, and I realized that despite all my internal whining, and my external anger, I was actually in a pretty good place. I was cool with Brad, more or less, I was about as close to Wade right now as I wanted to be, and I’d managed to lay the groundwork for a really good relationship with Will. That last part made me smile, because we really were a lot alike, and I was enjoying my time with him. I’d manage to move through this 9-11 nightmare and find some happiness at the end of it. And the good news was that the future looked even brighter.

I flashed back briefly to how miserable I’d been over the last six months or so, and thought about Wade and Brad and what this struggle must have been like for them. If Brad could fuck Wade and make them both feel better, did I really want to be the guy who stood in the way? Did I really want to be that selfish?

June 23, 2002

Escorial, CA

Brad

Through some amazing miracle, I managed to avoid both JP and Stef, and slink down to my room. I went in and shut the door, feeling relieved to be alone, in my own sanctuary here.

It had been a very interesting experience, my little foray to Malibu, and like most things in my life, it had both good and bad aspects to it. My first instinct was to call Wade and talk to him, but I didn’t know if that was a good idea. In the end, I rationalized it by telling myself that I had to keep him up-to-date so he didn’t get blindsided by Matt. I kicked back in a chair, pulled out my phone, and dialed him.

“Mornin’,” Wade said cheerfully, even though it was afternoon in Boston. His smooth Virginia accent was just so patrician, it sounded like silk.

“Good afternoon,” I said, in deference to his time zone. “Am I bothering you?”

“When you call me, you’re never bothering me,” he said, making me smile.

“I just got back to Escorial from Malibu. It was an interesting time.”

“How so?”

“Will and Zach worked things out with his advisor, so they were happy about that,” I said, putting off the big issue. “Matt was there. That kind of surprised me.”

“I thought you knew he was going to be there?” So Wade knew too?

“Nope. No one told me anything. I thought Will would have warned me, but he didn’t.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Wade said, and sounded guilty. More guilt. This was getting old.

“It’s no big deal. It worked out alright anyway,” I said.

“Matt talked to you?”

“He did. At first, it didn’t go real well. He accused me of being more concerned about you and me still being together, and for totally disregarding his feelings. I told him he was right.”

“I’ll bet that went over well,” he noted.

“Nope, it didn’t. He got pretty upset with me pretty fast, and that was a total bummer. I felt like I was blowing my one chance with him. We were walking on the beach talking about all this shit when he finally lost it, and turned away to storm off.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, a platitude to move my story along more than anything.

“The freaky thing was that he did that in the same exact place I’d done the same exact thing with Robbie back in 1985. I remembered how I’d felt back then. I’d gotten to the point where I was a total basket case, and I was desperate to get back home to a safe environment. It triggered a pretty intense flashback.”

“Are you OK?” he asked. I smiled at the concern in his voice. I knew he loved me in his own way, but it was nice to have him hint at it by showing he cared.

“Actually, it turned out to be a good thing,” I said. “I relived my roller coaster ride with Robbie, from Neil, Carson, and the other guys he got with, to how he apologized and tried to make things better until the next time. “

“You’ve been doing that for a while,” he said, his way of chiding me for dwelling on this.

“At the end of that ride, I actually heard Robbie talking to me. I mean, I know it wasn’t him, but my psychologist thinks my mind manifested a representation of him.”

“A representation?”

“Kind of like those holograms they have on Star Trek,” I said, using Will’s analogy.

“What did he say?”

“He apologized for leaving me behind, and for all the pain I’d been going through,” I said simply. “It was the same old pattern. He’d piss me off, I’d work to calm myself down enough to listen to him, he’d apologize, and I’d forgive him.”

He chuckled. “You sound like your son.”

“And Matt,” I said ruefully, acknowledging that we were similar in many ways too.

“You sound like you’re in a good mood. That’s a pretty intense experience. I’m surprised you’re in such good spirits.”

I sighed. “I am. I finally forgave him, and my shrink thinks that means I’ll be able to move on. It’s kind of like the final watershed in this whole grief thing. I mean, it’s not completely over, but it’s probably pretty much over. I’ll still think of him, and I’ll still miss him, but my doctor thinks that the real negative emotions I have toward him will fade.”

“That’s fantastic,” he said. “I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks. There are only two flies in the ointment.” He didn’t say anything, waiting for me to go on. “Matt was really weird on the flight back here.”

“How so?”

“He didn’t say anything, he just stuck to himself. He seemed completely freaked out.”

“I haven’t talked to him, so I can’t say for sure, but he gets like that when he’s really grappling with something.”

“I thought he and I were good after our time on the beach, but with him freaking out now, I’m starting to think we’re not.”

“Did he say anything to you?”

“Nothing beyond ‘good morning’,” I said. “We dropped him off to see his psychologist this morning.”

“On Sunday?” he asked, surprised.

“He must have called and gotten an appointment,” I speculated.

“That’s pretty extreme,” Wade said, thinking out loud. “He wouldn’t have done this if he wasn’t really struggling.”

“I get that, and so now I’m feeling guilty about that, about totally messing him up,” I said.

“This may not have to do with dealing with you,” he said. “All you can really do is let him spend some time with Casey and see what he comes up with.”

“I guess I’ll find out soon enough,” I said, the dread in my voice coming through clearly.

“What’s the other thing?”

I sighed. “I miss you,” I said honestly.

“I miss you too,” he said, and in a really affectionate way.

“I told Matt that when we got busted and put distance between ourselves, it was like I lost my best friend,” I said honestly.

“You’re really important to me too,” he said, “but I can’t handle the guilt of hurting him more than I already have. I can’t do it.”

“I can’t either,” I said with conviction. “I know that part of us, the sexual aspect, is over. But the other part, the friendship, I want to save that.”

“So do I,” he said.

“I think that I’ve been so busy hoping Matt will walk through that door and tell me it’s alright to go ahead and fuck you again, that I’ve been pushing you away until he does that.”

“I feel the same way. It’s like if I walk this path where I act like we’re barely acquaintances, he’ll ultimately cave because he’ll see we’re not going to be a couple.” Once again it amazed me how in sync Wade and I were.

“And I guess what I’m saying is that even if he does that, walks into my room and tells me we can be together like we were, I can’t do that,” I admitted to him.

“One of the coolest things is how we’ve been on the same page this past six months. We still are,” he said, echoing my thoughts.

“I agree. I’m done pushing you away. I’m done with this shit, with pretending we’re not friends, and that I can’t still talk to you about what’s going on in my life.” I declared it like a vow, and it was.

“Good,” he said, and I knew he was smiling. “Me too.”

There was a knock on my door. “Someone’s here to see me. I have to run.”

“I’ll talk to you soon,” Wade promised.

I ended our call and walked over to the door and opened it. I was pretty surprised to see Matt standing there. “You alone?”

“That’s the norm these days,” I joked, inviting him in. We went over to my sitting area; he sat in a chair, I sat on the couch.

“I spent some time with Casey this morning,” he said, telling me something I already knew. “I worked out a few things.”

“I’m glad,” I said sincerely. “You seem happier than you were this morning.”

“I guess I am,” he said, “but I think it’s more about being less confused.”

“I feel like I dumped a lot of shit on you yesterday. Thanks for being there, and helping me out.”

“Dude, all I did was slap you. Seems all I do these days is hit you.”

I actually laughed at that. “This last time was better than the time before.”

“I’m sorry about that,” he told me. “I should have told you that yesterday.”

“It’s alright, Matt. I just sort of wrapped all this stuff up in one package, all the crap we were dealing with, and tossed it out.”

He nodded. “I want to talk to you about Wade.”

“Go on,” I said, hiding the apprehension I felt.

“This whole thing has freaked me out for a lot of reasons. In the end, though, it was probably a good thing.”

That shocked the shit out of me, and there was no way I could hide my reaction. “I don’t get that at all.”

“I thought about it, and I’m pretty happy with where I am with my life right now. I’m actually at a good place with Wade, I think you and I are okay, but most importantly, I’m really doing well with Will. For some reason, that seems really important to me.”

“Why?”

“Because I never had a very good bond with him before, and that’s one of the reasons why it was so easy for me to fuck Tony. I guess that after losing Robbie, I really need to pull my family in. He’s been the big missing link.”

“So how did Wade and I sleeping together make that happen?” I didn’t get that at all.

“Because until you did that, and I found out about it, I didn’t really understand how badly I’d hurt Will. I didn’t get what it was that really set him free. Now I do. And now we’re cool. That’s worth the pain and anguish of the past few weeks.”

“I can see that,” I agreed. “It always seemed strange to me that you and Will didn’t click better. You’re both similar in many ways.”

“And so are we,” he said. I nodded. He straightened his posture, as if he was going to switch to a different topic. “I thought about things, and decided that if you and Wade want to keep fucking, I’m cool with it.”

I just stared at him, pretty stunned by that statement. I didn’t say anything; I was too busy processing his words and their meaning. My first reaction was happiness, followed by horniness, at the thought of flying out to Boston and hooking up with Wade. But then I remembered the conversation that I’d just had with Wade, and that blew out that temporary flame of happiness. “What changed your mind?”

“It’s been a really long and hard road for me to get to where I’m at right now. I’m happy with my life. If there’d been someone out there who could‘ve slept with me and got me here faster, or made me happy, I’d have done it. I care about you and Wade. I don’t want to see you miserable. If being together makes you happy, then I want you to be together.” I stared at him and blinked, my mind sending me into a tailspin of guilt that he would still feel that way about me after I fucked him over, and that he would still care about me that much.

“After all that’s happened, it’s really nice to hear you say that,” I said, fighting to keep my voice even. “You deserve credit for taking the high road.”

“That mean you want to smoke some weed?” he joked, to lighten things up. I chuckled, and then we got serious again.

“That’s not really fair to you, if us being together makes you miserable,” I said. I was more interested in hearing him out, since I’d already made my decision on Wade.

“I don’t really know how I’ll feel, and I probably won’t know until it happens.” He paused. “I am not gonna be the dude that cock blocks you two, and takes what little happiness you can find away. I’m not gonna do that. Making you two miserable is not going to make me any happier. So if it weirds me out, it will only be temporary.” I looked at Matt with a whole new level of respect. I’d never seen him do something so selfless like this.

“I was talking to Wade on the phone just now, before you knocked. We’d both been keeping a distance between us, just like I told you before, and we’d been doing it, because we were both secretly hoping you’d change your mind and say exactly what you just told me.”

“So my timing was good,” he said, trying to hide his bitterness.

“Not really,” I said with a smile. “I think Wade and I have both been looking at this thing, at us, trying to fight the fact that it’s just not viable. It’s a battle we can’t win. We both came to the conclusion that being friends is more important than fucking around.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that while I appreciate what you said, we already decided that it’s over.”

He shrugged. “Dude, that’s all you two. I’m not involved in that equation anymore. You can make that decision on your own, without worrying about me.”

“Thanks,” I said. “We made it.”

“If you change your mind, I’d kind of like to know,” he said. “I don’t really have a right to ask you that, but it’s just something I need to be aware of.”

“I’ll do that, but I’m wondering why you feel that way?”

“Because if you two promise to tell me, then when I see you together, I won’t drive myself crazy analyzing all of your moves and your conversations to try and figure out if you’re fucking again or not.”

I chuckled, and he looked at me funny. “I’m sorry, but that’s exactly how I would have felt.”

“It’s just easier to know that there’s no hidden shit going on,” he said.

“I want you to know that I think you coming in here and saying what you did was one of the noblest things I’ve seen. You’re willing to sacrifice your own happiness for ours. That’s way more than I deserve.”

He decided not to have the argument where he tried to be modest, and instead he just nodded and stood up. I did the same thing, and stepped forward, wanting to hug him, and wondering if he’d let me. I didn’t have to make the call, because he initiated it, pulling me in and embracing me as warmly as he could without hurting his ribs.

And as he did, I was overwhelmed with a strange combination of guilt and love, as I realized how much he really needed me. He’d lost Robbie, and even though he had other parental figures in his life, I was an important link to the father he’d had so few years with. And when I realized that, the guilt was searing, as I understood how badly I’d let him down.

He made to end the hug, but I didn’t, and just held on more firmly. “I haven’t been there for you like I should have been. I’m sorry. That won’t happen again,” I said, and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing yet again. God, I hated crying. I’d be so glad when I got my life back to an even keel where I wasn’t losing it like this all the fucking time.

He pulled away from me and looked me squarely in the eye, freaking me out with those orbs that were so familiar because they were just like Robbie’s. “It’s all good.” And with those three words, we were OK again. He turned and walked out of my room, leaving me pretty stunned and amazed.

I sat in my room, reeling from that conversation, until I was able to wrangle my emotions back under control. As soon as I did, I called Wade back. “Who came to bug you?” he asked, as soon as we’d exchanged pleasantries.

“Matt.”

“He didn’t hit you again, did he?” he asked. He’d sensed my distress, and was trying to lighten things up, but it didn’t work.

“Not with his fists, with his words,” I said.

“What did he say?” His words were calm, but I could feel his concern for me behind them.

“He came in to tell me that if we wanted to keep sleeping together, that was OK with him.”

“He said that?” Wade asked, and he was so shocked it actually showed in his voice.

“He did,” I confirmed. “He said that he didn’t want to cock block us if being together made us happy. He basically said that even if it bothered him, our happiness was worth it.”

There was silence for a bit, as Wade digested that. “That was a really nice thing for him to do.”

“It was. I told him that we’d already decided that part of our relationship was over, but I thanked him for that. It really was a pretty amazing gesture on his part.”

“It really was,” Wade agreed. “So how did you leave it?”

“He asked that if we reconsidered, we tell him about it, so he didn’t have any surprises. And then he told me we were good.”

“I’m glad,” Wade said. “Matt has a lot of really stellar qualities. It sounds like he’s moving beyond all the traumas of 9-11, and they’re shining through again.”

“It does,” I said. We ended our conversation after that, while I pondered how hard I was going to have to work to be a better person after this long nightmare. And with how impressed I was with Matt for leading the way.