Flux - 25. Chapter 25

July 6, 2002

Chicago, IL

Matt

Our suite had a big open room with a dining room table and a sitting area. “You mind if we hang out in here?” I asked Will.

“Fine with me,” he said. “I’m gonna go crash.”

“Night,” I said.

“It was nice to see you again,” Cam said, being polite.

“It was really nice to see you too,” Will said, flirting with him. “If Matt bugs you, walk through that door and I’ll show you a great time,“ he said, gesturing toward his room. I got what he was doing. He was trying to stroke Cam’s ego a bit, figuring it had been stomped on pretty bad tonight. I was impressed with how good he was at reading men.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine, but thanks,” Cam said, smiling at him. Will vanished into his room while I raided the mini bar.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“Dude, you don’t have to get me anything. Minibar drinks are fucking expensive.” I was starting to get that money was tight for Cam. His parents were well off, what I would call upper-middle class, so money shouldn’t have been a huge issue for him while he was in school.

“It’s fine. Money’s not a problem,” I said.

“A beer would be good,” he said. “Your parents increase your allowance?”

“I’ve got my own money now,” I said. “So what happened to you? The last I heard you were at Cornell, telling everyone you were a flaming fag.”

He chuckled at that. “I was at Cornell. My parents came to visit me in October of my freshman year, to see how I’d settled in. My roommate was this dude named Chris, and he was really gay. I mean, he was really gay.”

I chuckled. “Were you two together?”

“He had a boyfriend,” he said. “I hooked up with the two of them a couple of times, and it was hot.”

“I’ll bet,” I said, grinning.

“So my parents met him when they visited, and then I went out to dinner with them, and they were going off on him, talking about how gay he was. They were being pretty obnoxious, and I finally lost it and told them that I was gay too.”

“Wow,” I said, to encourage him.

“I didn’t know how they’d react, but I figured it wouldn’t be totally horrible. I was wrong. They paid the bill, we walked out of the restaurant, and they left. I had to hitch a ride back to campus.”

“Dude, I am so sorry,” I said.

He just nodded. “They paid for my tuition and room and board for the next semester, but after that, they told me they were cutting me off. Sent me a fucking e-mail.”

“So what did you do?”

“I’ve got an aunt who lives here in Chicago. She’s always been the family rebel. I called her after all this happened, and she was awesome. She doesn’t have much money, but she told me I could come live with her.”

“I’m glad you had someone there to help you out,” I said. I felt so guilty that we had such a crappy end to our relationship that he didn’t think he could even call me.

“Me too. I came here and went to community college and got my Associates’ degree. I transferred to DePaul after that. I’d been on my own long enough that I could get financial aid. I’ve got one more semester to go, and I’m done.”

“That’s fantastic,” I said. “That had to be pretty tough.”

He shrugged. “It was at first, but in the end, I realized that I could do this without them. I go to school and I work. That’s been my life. Keeps me out of trouble.”

“How’d you meet Josh?”

“I work at the restaurant he manages, or used to manage. He just quit, as soon as he worked out the deal for Spartacus.”

“So he can’t fuck with your job,” I said.

“Not any more,” he said. “He wouldn’t have fucked things up for me there anyway. Besides, I’m a waiter. It’s not like it’s hard to find another job doing that.”

I had no idea what the supply and demand was for that kind of job, so I didn’t say anything. “I heard you came out when I got an e-mail from my mother. She was worried that you were perving on me when we were in Cleveland.”

He laughed. “You were the one who jumped into bed with me.”

I laughed with him, and then got serious. “I ended up telling them that. I was outed at Thanksgiving dinner, and my parents freaked out. Sounds like they handled it like yours did. They basically stormed out of the house and demanded that I take them to the airport. On the way to the airport, I told them that I was the one who corrupted you, not the other way around.”

“So if they disowned you, how is it you’re here in a suite at the Drake, and spending a shitload of money on an apartment above Spartacus?”

“You remember that deal with my kidneys?” He’d heard about it from the high school gossip chain back then, but I’d filled in the details. He nodded. “Because of that, I found out I was adopted. So I went on a quest for my biological parents.”

“Dude that must have been trippy.”

“No shit. My bio-mom was real nice at first, then later when she found out I was gay she was a bitch, but I just saw her on the 4^th of July and she was nice again. Go figure.”

“So she was loaded?” he asked.

“No, she’s pretty broke. But my bio-dad lived out in Malibu. His name was Robbie Hayes, and he was a Hollywood producer, and an awesome guy.” I felt my eyes tear up as I thought about Robbie.

“Was?”

“He was killed in the World Trade Center on 9-11.”

“Dude, I am so sorry,” he said sincerely. I nodded.

“We’d gotten pretty close,” I told him. “After my parents found out I was gay, they cut me off. Cancelled my credit cards, my cell phone, everything. But Robbie and his family, they were there for me, backing me up. They took care of me. They’re my family now.”

“I’m glad,” he said, to show me he was listening.

“Robbie was married to Will’s father, a guy named Brad Schluter, who’s like my step-father. That’s why I consider Will and his brothers, Darius and JJ, to be my brothers.”

“I think I’ve heard that name before,” he mused.

“Brad is basically Stefan Schluter’s son,” I explained.

“Holy shit! Stefan Schluter is one of the richest men in the world! No wonder you can afford a suite at the Drake.”

I smiled. “He’s a great guy. If you’re free tomorrow, you can meet him.”

“Really?” he asked, with that wide-eyed look guys get when they talk about Stef. Well, gay guys anyway.

“Yeah. He’ll like you because you’re hot.” We both chuckled at that. “So I had them to prop me up when my parents cut me off.”

“You were lucky,” he said bitterly.

“Dude, why didn’t you call me when all this shit happened? I would have helped you out,” I said earnestly.

“It had only been six months or so since you’d left,” he said. “I didn’t want to re-open an old wound.”

“I’m sorry about that,” I said. “Whenever I think about us, I feel so guilty.”

“Because I loved you, and you didn’t love me back?”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know,” he said. “I get that now, but back then I was still pretty pissed off at you.”

“I understand,” I said.

“So do your parents still hate you?”

I shook my head for emphasis. “No. My kidneys finally gave out, and I ended up in the hospital and damn near died. That shocked them out of their attitude. I guess they were willing to sit there and judge me, and have nothing to do with me, until they realized I might actually die. We’ve been cool since then.”

“You’re OK now?”

“I’m fine,” I said, then got flirtatious. “Don’t I look healthy?”

“You look great,” he said.

“So do you,” I said. “What about you? Your parents still hate you?”

“I’m guessing they do. I haven’t seen them since that dinner in October of 1998, and I haven’t gotten an email from them in a couple of years.”

“Dude, I’m sorry,” I said. I could tell how much that bothered him, even though he was trying to pretend it didn’t. I changed the subject to get away from that topic. “How long were you and Josh going out?”

“Since the beginning of the year,” he said. “We actually met on New Year’s, at the Manhole.” For some reason, we both chuckled at that. “He really worked me, trying to get me to give it up, but I wasn’t doing the one-night-stand deal with him.”

“Why not?”

“Because he’s a player, and I knew that if I didn’t make him work for it, he’d never respect me,” he said logically.

“Yeah, but if he’s a player, weren’t you worried that he’d cheat on you?”

“You’re a player,” he said. I stared at him, planning to argue, but I couldn’t. “Does that mean you can’t be with one person and not cheat?”

“I’ve never done that,” I admitted. “I’ve never been in a monogamous relationship.”

“What about you and that other dude?”

“Wade,” I said, and smiled. “We were together, but we had an open relationship. He could have been monogamous, but I was too fucking immature to go there. He knew that, so he gave me the freedom to fuck around.”

“He sounds like a pretty nice guy.”

“He is.”

“You still love him,” he said, almost an accusation.

“I do. And I always will. We’re not together anymore, but we’re still really tight. I really can’t think of a time when Wade won’t be in my life.”

“What if you meet someone else?”

“If I meet someone else, and fall in love with that dude, then I’ll honor my commitments to him. But even then, I’ll still love Wade, even if it’s only as a friend.”

He rolled his eyes. “That guy’s really gonna like that,” he said sarcastically. “He’ll be in a relationship with both of you.”

I could have gotten pissed off, but I didn’t. “I guess it’s kind of like that,” I said. “I’m not going to just write Wade off because I’m with some guy and that dude is insecure and jealous. If that’s the case, it’s not going to work with that dude anyway.”

“Yeah, but won’t he feel like he’s just a second class citizen, just the dude you picked up after you broke up with Wade, the dude you’d drop in a second if you had the chance to get back together with Wade?” I was mildly annoyed at how shallow he was, and how he was looking at things.

“It’s not like that,” I said. “If I really wanted to get back together with Wade right now, I probably could. But I don’t.”

“I’ll bet that dude won’t see it that way,” he said. “He’ll see your deal with Wade as a threat.”

“You can’t love more than one person?” I challenged.

“I can’t be in love with more than one person,” he said. “Can you?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I guess I won’t know until it happens.”

“That makes you really dangerous.”

“How does that make me dangerous?” I didn’t get his whole line of reasoning.

“Because the other dude who falls for you will be completely into you, and then, if you can’t be as into him because of Wade, he’s going to feel like shit,” he said bitterly.

“Like you felt after graduation,” I said gently.

“Probably worse,” he said. “I knew there wasn’t anyone else, I just knew that I wasn’t the guy for you. But if I’d thought we were in love, and destined to be together, and then you dumped me, I’d have been shredded.”

Cam seemed like a really tough guy when you met him. He was strong and confident. And when he played hockey, he was a total shit on the ice. But he was reminding me of how sensitive and vulnerable he really was; I’d kind of forgotten about that, and buried that along with my guilt over hurting him. “I can see that,” I agreed.

“So that’s why you’re dangerous,” he concluded.

“I think that the way around that is to lay it out there, and let whoever I’m with know my deal,” I said. “And right now, I’m not ready to be in a relationship. Shit, I don’t want a relationship. For the first time in over three years, I’m free. I’m just me. If I jumped into something now, it would be a disaster.”

He smiled weakly. “It’s good that you know that.”

“I do,” I said, and let my eyes really bore into his. “That’s why you and I are sitting here, drinking expensive beers, and talking about all of this shit, instead of in my bedroom fucking each other’s brains out.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You’re pretty confident. What makes you think I’d let you fuck me?”

I moved in quickly, like a panther going in for the kill, and kissed him. I felt him responding, felt his lips yielding to mine, as we made out for a while. I finally broke off the kiss and smiled at him. “That’s why.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” he said, referring to us fucking like bunnies.

“I’m not gonna force you to do anything,” I promised. “But I remember how good we were together. And I’m betting we’re even better now, with some experience under our belts.”

“No doubt,” he said, winking at me.

“And I’m betting that it’s been a while since you’ve had fun in bed.”

“It’s not like I’ve been celibate,” he objected.

“Dude, I slept with your ex-boyfriend. It was about the most boring lay I’ve had in years.”

He looked at me, freaked out at being reminded that I’d slept with Josh, and then started laughing. “Ya think?”

“It was like being fucked by a robot,” I said. “I spent the night, and the next morning he did the same exact thing he did the night before. I kept trying to change things up, but it wasn’t happening.”

“He’s not real flexible,” Cam admitted. “But it was good.”

“I’m glad you thought so,” I said, implying that I didn’t think it was good at all.

“He was nice to me. He took me out, which was cool since I was too broke to do much, and he treated me really well. You hear about all this bullshit that happens, guys getting abused and shit, or all the drama, but we weren’t like that. I wasn’t in love with him, but I was content.” Now that he was doing the post-mortem on his relationship, he seemed pretty somber.

“So now what?”

“What’s that mean?” he asked.

“You told him you guys were through. Are you?” He gave me a dirty look, but we both knew that it was entirely possible that he’d been posturing about dumping Josh, and that Josh would come back and turn on the charm, make all kinds of promises, and Cam may just give him another chance.

“I think so,” he said.

“Then you’re not,” I told him.

“Fuck you,” he said, all pissed off.

“Dude, if you can’t even sit here and tell me that you’re definitely not going to get back together, then when he comes at you with his smooth moves, you’ll cave. You know it, and I know it.”

“I need to think about it,” he said.

“Were you with someone before you were with Josh?”

“Why? What difference does it make?”

“Makes no difference, I was just wondering,” I said. “Some guys like to be in a relationship. So even if it’s not good, they’ll stay in it, just so they don’t have to be alone.”

“You think I’m that pathetic?” he challenged. I could tell by how pissed off he was that I’d pretty much nailed it.

“It’s not pathetic, it just is. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be lonely.”

“You make it sound like I can’t just be on my own, and be happy with myself,” he said bitterly.

“Can you?”

“Fuck you,” he said again, because I was hitting really close to home.

“Cam, I knew the dude you were in high school. I don’t know the dude you are right now. I’m just talking to you, trying to reconnect.” He seemed to understand that, and smiled shyly.

“I don’t know,” he said, answering my question. “I guess since I’ve been in Chicago, I’ve been pretty much with someone.”

“It’s tough to be alone,” I said philosophically.

“Can you do that?”

“I don’t know either,” I said. “That’s why I have to do this, be on my own.”

“Maybe I need to do that too,” he said. I took out a joint and lit it. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Getting high,” I said, and inhaled deeply. I passed it to him, even as I exhaled. “Reminds me of when we first sort of became friends.”

He chuckled and took the joint. I watched his lips wrap around the end, and remembered that they’d looked the same way when they’d wrapped around Kelso’s one-hitter. He inhaled in such a sexy way, and then exhaled just as erotically as he handed the joint back to me. “I remember that. Your friend was pissed off that you gave his weed to an asshole like me.”

“Yep,” I said, and took another hit. “It was a good investment,” I said after I exhaled.

“So what do you think I should do?” he asked me, now that we were stoned.

“Dude…” I objected.

“Don’t give me a bunch of bullshit. I just wanted your opinion,” he said, cutting me off.

“I think you should try being on your own,” I said. He gave me a wry look, because he knew I was right. “Look, Josh isn’t the right guy for you. You and I both know that.”

“What makes you say that?” He knew, he just wanted to hear it from someone else.

“Because he’s a wolf. He’s going to be running a club, and there’s going to be all kinds of temptation in front of him. Dancers, waiters, customers; shit, he’ll have dudes all but throwing themselves at him. And he’s going to go for it, no matter what he tells you.” He grimaced, because he knew I was right. “And if you’re with him, it will bug the shit out of you, especially now that you’ve caught him. You can’t deny it as a possibility, or a probability. You’ll know exactly what he’s doing, even if you tell yourself he’s not.”

“You just don’t like him,” he said, which was a really bitchy and petulant thing for him to say, but I kept my cool.

“I have nothing against Josh. If he and I were single, hanging out in the bar, we’d probably prowl together.”

“He’ll hate you now, for telling me you guys were together.”

I shook my head, and that irritated him. “He’s annoyed with me, but he’ll get over it. Besides, it’s stupid for him to hate me. He needs to not be a dick to me so he can build his dream.”

“You mean you’d fuck up his chance to open the club if he was a dick?” he asked, as if that was inconceivable.

“Yeah, not to be a complete dick, but because I don’t want an asshole running the club underneath my apartment,” I said. “And the amounts of money we’re investing in the club, and the amount of money it would take to send him packing, are chump change to us, but not to him.”

“I’ve been broke for so long, and Josh has been tight on bucks too, that it’s hard to think about dropping that kind of cash.”

“It’s not like I’d piss money away, but I’m not going to let Josh fuck up my home life,” I said. No way was I putting up with bullshit from him. “I’m betting he’s smart enough to figure that out, and ambitious enough to make sure we’re on good terms.”

“I can see that,” he said. “You still play hockey?”

“Dude, I played my entire time at Stanford and loved it, but I guess that part of my life is over.” He had to hear the sadness in my voice, and it was something that he could relate to.

“Not necessarily,” he said.

“What do you mean?” My eyes narrowed. “You mean I could join a rec league?” Those were recreation leagues for guys who just wanted to play hockey. Guys like me who weren’t in college anymore, and had no team to play on. It had always seemed lame as fuck to me, something old guys did. It was pretty disturbing to realize that was probably my only option if I wanted to play hockey again.

“Maybe. If you’re good.”

“Dude, I’m good,” I asserted, making him laugh. “I skated circles around you in high school.”

“Yeah, that’s how it was,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“So do you play?”

“Yeah,” he said, and then stopped, just to fuck with me.

“Where?” I asked, pretending to be annoyed.

“There’s a gay hockey league here in Chicago,” he said. “They’ve got a couple of teams, but their top team is pretty good.”

“You on it?”

“I am,” he said.

“If you can make it, I can make it,” I said, being cocky.

“We’ll start practicing in August. You can try out then, and we’ll see if you can still make it around the ice without falling on your ass.”

“Yeah, we’ll see about that,” I said. He’d been good in high school, but I’d been better. And I’d gotten a lot better in college. “Besides, if worse comes to worst I can always fuck my way onto the team.”

He laughed. “You probably could.”

He yawned. “You can stay here if you want,” I offered.

He gave me a weak smile. “I’m thinking that’s probably not the smartest thing I could do. I need to get home.”

“How far is home?”

“Oak Park,” he said. “So not too far.”

“I’ll let you go on one condition,” I said.

“What makes you think you can set any conditions at all?” he asked, kind of playfully, and kind of annoyed at the same time.

“You let me cover your cab fare,” I said. He made to argue, but I stopped him. “It will make me feel better about keeping you up so late.” I pulled out fifty bucks and handed it to him.

“Dude, cabs aren’t that expensive.”

“Take it,” I insisted, and he did. “It was really nice hanging out with you.”

“I missed you too,” he said, grinning. We both stood up and he came up and gave me a really nice kiss, one that just fueled my libido. “You know how you said you’ll always love Wade?”

“Yeah?”

“I guess I’ll probably always feel that way about you,” he said ruefully. “That’s why I have to keep a little distance between us.”

I ran my hand across his cheek lovingly. “I understand. The last thing I want to do is hurt you again.”

“I think being your friend is worth the risk,” he said.

I smiled and said, “We’re meeting at Spartacus tomorrow morning at 10. If you’re up and out, come by, and I’ll introduce you to Stefan.”

“I might just do that,” he said.

July 7, 2002

Chicago, IL

I jogged along the beach, enjoying the cool morning air. I had tossed and turned in bed after Cam had left, haunted by our conversation. It wasn’t his revelations that had freaked me out, but my own statement. I’d told him that if I wanted to get back together with Wade right now, I could. So like a psycho, I’d hyper-analyzed my assertion, trying to decide it if was true. The first part of that was could I really get Wade back? As I ran along Lake Michigan, I tried to be objective, then pessimistic, and in the end, no matter how I looked at it, I was pretty sure that I could. Wade was so confused right now, and he missed me as much as I missed him. He would probably grab for us, the known entity, and go for it. But the second part was much harder to grapple with. Did I want to do that? And the answer that kept pounding in my brain, as loud as my heartbeat as I ran, was ‘no’.

It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, because I did. And it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with him, because I did. And it wasn’t because I thought I’d meet someone better for me; I didn’t think that was possible. But the simple reason was the same thing I’d told Cam about Josh. If Wade and I got back together again, we’d end up being married in all but name, and we’d end up being completely monogamous. For the first time in my life, that didn’t really bother me, but what did bother me was taking that step before I was comfortable with myself. I needed to be me for a while, just me, and learn to like myself before I jumped into another relationship with anyone.

I got back to the hotel and caught the elevator. I got a dirty look from some uptight old guy in a suit, probably because I smelled nasty, or maybe just because I was young and fit. I ignored him. I got off the elevator and started walking down to my room when the door to Will’s room opened. I paused and waited to see who was coming out. I saw the cute bartender, Devon, lean in and give Will a kiss, then Will shut the door, and Devon came walking down the hall. I gave him a shit-eating grin.

“Morning,” I said, trying not to laugh.

“Morning,” he said more gruffly. I turned to watch his handsome form as he got into the elevator, and when he looked back at me, I winked, making him frown. I was laughing my ass off when I went back into the suite.

“Good morning,” Will said, pretending like he just got up.

“Looks like it was a good night for you,” I said.

“What are you talking about?”

“I ran into Devon in the hall. It was right after he planted that awesome goodbye kiss on your lips.” He frowned, and I laughed.

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” he said, getting defensive.

“I didn’t say that you did, and I’m not your judge anyway,” I said. “So how was he?”

He smiled. “Good. That man knows what he’s doing.”

“I’ll bet.”

“How did you do?” he asked.

“Cam’s an old friend. We talked for a long time, then I kissed him goodnight, gave him cab fare, and he went home.”

He stared at me. “Dude, do not even lie to me.”

“I’m not lying to you. I would have told you if I fucked him. I told you I fucked Josh.”

“You are so lame you can’t close the deal?” he chided me.

I shrugged. “I hurt him in high school. He still has feelings for me. I don’t want to hurt him again.”

And then his whole demeanor changed. “Then that was a good call. Good for you.”

“Thanks,” I said. “Let’s order room service, and see if we can get ready before it gets here,” I joked. We pored over the menu, ordered a bunch of food, then hurried through our showers and got ready with five minutes to spare before room service arrived.

“Breakfast is served,” Will said enthusiastically, as soon as the waiter had left. We dug in and started eating quickly, so we wouldn’t be late to Spartacus. I looked at my watch and it was 9:30.

“You ready to go?”

“Yep,” he said. We grabbed our carry-on bags and backpacks, and then hurried down to the waiting limo. We’d probably end up getting there early, but I was pretty anal about being on time, and Will was even more punctual. We both collapsed into the back seat of the limo and relaxed, knowing that there was nothing more we could do; our arrival time was now solely due to the efforts of the driver.

“So you and Zach are allowed to fuck around with other people?” I asked.

“We’re allowed. He’s messed around more than I have, but usually with chicks, and usually because he has to cover,” he said. “At least that’s what I know about.”

“You don’t talk about it?”

“Did you tell Wade about every dude you fucked?” he asked.

“I told him about a lot of them,” I said. Somehow, telling Wade had made it seem less significant, and it made it seem more honest.

“Neither one of us really wants to hear the gory details about the other people we’re with,” he said. In other words, if they didn’t talk about it, they could pretend there weren’t other people.

“Then why does this bother you?” I asked. He was about to argue, but he realized that I’d read him pretty well, and could tell this bugged him.

“Part of me likes being loyal and faithful, and I know I could do it if he could,” he said. “But sometimes I just need to mess around with someone else. I don’t know why. Maybe to prove to myself that I’m still a free person. Or maybe so I don’t feel like a doormat because I know he’s doing it.”

“And that’s what happened last night?”

He nodded. “Devon’s a hot guy, and he was giving off signs that he was into me. It felt good to have a dude like that, who can pretty much name his conquest at that bar, focus on me.”

“He made you feel hot.”

“Yeah,” he said, and grinned shyly. Every guy needed an ego boost once in awhile; this one had been pretty massive for Will.

“So he was good?”

“He’s the kind of dude you meet who’s a lot of fun. He’s really into making sex a big deal, like it’s a big production. I don’t think I’ve ever changed positions with a guy more times than that. Damn!”

“Seriously?” He nodded. “Better than Zach?”

He grinned, and then looked guilty. “No. No one is better than Zach. At least not with me. He’s great if we’re making love, he’s great when I want a rough fuck, and he’s just freaky enough to make things exciting.”

I smiled at him. “But even with Zach as a comparison, Devon was fun?”

“Devon was fun,” he confirmed.

“He’s not off limits, is he?” I asked playfully. It was pretty significant that we could joke about that, after the whole deal with Tony.

“Devon is not off limits,” he said, chuckling.

“Good to know,” I said.