Flux - 6. Chapter 6

June 12, 2002

Stanford University, CA

I stood outside Tressider, waiting for Wade. He promised me that he’d meet me here when he was done with his last final. I’d finished my last one yesterday, but I’d come down here to spend some time on campus, to enjoy what was left of my undergraduate years. A couple of freshmen walked out, acting goofy, but not as goofy as they probably had when they first got here in the fall quarter. College changed people. Sometimes, the change wasn’t always good.

It was also a time of sadness for me, because I knew that with classes at an end, it was time to move on. The past week had been absolute heaven. Wade had been completely focused on school, and that had motivated me. I’d kicked ass, pulling out three As and a B+ in my last four classes, but more important than that, we’d really bonded. It had gotten to the point where we did everything together, just like when we were partners. We slept together, we ate together, and we studied together. Everything would be perfect except for two things.

The first was this thing Wade did every once in a while, where he’d feel himself falling back into me too much, and then he’d get all cold and distant. It would happen for an hour or two, about every other day. I could handle some moodiness; I wasn’t perfect either. But this was more than just moodiness; this was an indication of his absolute determination to keep some distance between us.

And that was the second thing. I knew that on June 17th, the day after we graduated, we were both free men for the summer, with no major obligations. Wade had made it clear that he was focused on this move to Boston. He’d been working with a realtor to find a house there, and he’d involved Tiffany and JJ, which was cool. But he’d pointedly avoided involving me, and when I offered to go out to Boston with him to help him look at places, he’d politely turned me down. There was no place for me in his life in Boston. And it made me wonder if there was any place in his life for me at all.

I began to wonder if this time we’d had together, this idyllic time, might end up being a huge nightmare. Was it better to have these moments together that were so wonderful, only then to lose him? Or would it have been better to have him hate me, and leave on that note, so it didn’t hurt so much? That last option had been his choice until I’d saved him from that creepy dude, but I was starting to wonder if it wasn’t the wiser choice.

I saw him walking toward Tressider, a big smile on his face, and I felt myself grin back at him. Watching him walk toward me, seeing his confident gait, his fit body, and his handsome face, made me realize what a great guy he was. God, how I loved him. I made a silent pledge, right then, that if I could ever get him back, I would never do something stupid to fuck us up again. I’d give up all the other guys, the other women; I’d give up everything for him.

“Hey!” he said when he got close. “I am done!”

“Woohoo!” I yelled, like I was playing hockey, and we started laughing even as we embraced, a massive hug. “I am so proud of us!”

“Dude, me too!” he said. “Can you believe it? The only thing left to do is walk on Sunday!”

“And listen to Condoleezza Rice talk,” I said. She was the keynote speaker.

“Maybe someday, when you’re richer than Stefan, they’ll invite you to give the address,” he joked.

“Or maybe when you’re a Supreme Court judge, they’ll invite you back,” I teased.

“I think I’ll just be happy with walking,” he said.

“Me too.” We started strolling toward the GMC at a leisurely pace, enjoying our time on campus. He’d gotten a ride down here, and I said I’d pick him up, so we were both going home together. We were almost to the GMC when we saw Tony.

“Hey guys,” he said, and seemed nervous since Wade was there. “You all done?”

“All done,” I confirmed. “What about you?”

“Last final was yesterday,” he said pleasantly. “Packing up to go home for the summer.”

“Have a safe drive,” Wade said, trying to sound sincere, even though he wasn’t.

“Thanks,” he said, and sauntered off. I felt bad, like I should have said something more to him, but then again, he wasn’t very talkative anyway. I mollified myself by deciding that I could call him later and check up to make sure he made it home alright.

We hopped into the GMC, but the mood was different. Wade was in one of his modes where he got all cold and frigid with me. “When do your parents get in?” Wade asked me formally.

“Friday,” I answered. “Who’s coming from Virginia?”

“Nana, Ethan, Mary Ellen, and Beau get in on Friday as well,” he said. I glanced at him. “My mother sent her regards.”

“Dude, she couldn’t come?” I asked, totally shocked.

“Her story is that she wants this to be a nice event, and she thinks her presence here will ruin it for me, and for Nana.”

“So she isn’t making any progress, like she talked about at Thanksgiving?” She’d asked Wade’s family what she had to do to be accepted by them, and they’d told her she had to give up her days as a Washington, DC powerbroker.

“She’s been the queen of the DC social set lately, so I’d say that’s a big ‘no’,” he said. “Nana is livid, and has made things a little difficult for her.” Nana was Wade’s grandmother, and a real powerhouse. Having her on your bad side was definitely not good news.

“What about Beau and Mary Ellen?”

He shrugged. “Mary Ellen seems to think it’s funny, and likes to point out that leopards don’t change their spots. Beau is still her big defender, insisting that she has a right to live her life how she wants.”

“What do you think?”

“I agree with both of them,” he said. “I don’t think she’s going to change, but I think that’s her choice to make. To be honest, it makes things easy for me, because that way I can just wall her off, and not have anything to do with her.” Kind of like he planned to do to me, I thought sadly. We drove on silently for a bit.

“Thanks for all your help,” I said. “I really did well this term. I wouldn’t have accomplished that without you.”

“You’re welcome,” he said, then swallowed hard. I knew what was coming, based on that. He was going to push me away again. “I’m thinking of hitting up that DG bash tonight. What are you doing?”

“Don’t know yet,” I said, like it didn’t matter that he was basically telling me that he didn’t want me to go with him. “I figured I’d check in with Gathan first. He’s up at Escorial.”

“Tony and Will still aren’t talking, are they?” he asked, just to bring Tony up.

“I haven’t seen Tony, until now, since I moved back. And I don’t talk to Will about him,” I said.

“Probably a smart move,” he said, but in a snarky kind of way.

“I told him and Tony both that I wasn’t going to talk to them about each other. I’m staying the fuck out of their issues.”

“Even if you helped cause them?” he asked caustically.

“Just like it’s not my place to get involved with their shit, it’s not your place to get involved with me and Will, and our issues,” I said firmly.

“It’s not my place?” he asked acidly. He was trying to start a fight with me, and the thought of that, with what little time we had left, was too tough to even contemplate. I stopped the GMC, even though we were almost home, and he stared at me. “What are you doing?”

“Don’t do this,” I said, almost pleaded.

“Don’t do what?” He was getting pissed.

“These past few days, spending them with you, has been amazing. You’ve helped me out, but more than that, I’ve loved spending time with you. But every once in a while, you shove me away, and that’s what you’re doing now.”

“I’m not trying to shove you away,” he lied. “I’m just not going to sit here while you lecture me on how you handled Tony and Will.”

“I don’t care about that. I don’t want to think about that, and I don’t want to deal with that. On Sunday, we walk, and end our time here. Almost my entire time at Stanford has been about being with you. And you’ve made it clear that when our time at Stanford is up, our time together is up too.”

“I said I’d come see you,” he said, referring to our promise. “And you’re going to come see me.”

“Wade, come on,” I whined. I hadn’t done that for a long time, and as soon as I caught it, I stopped myself. “I can tell by the way you talk about Boston that it’s you starting over, and the last thing you want is me around.”

“I didn’t mean for it to seem like that,” he said. “But I guess that’s how things are. We’re both going to different cities, and doing different things.”

“Maybe that’s how they are, but this isn’t how I thought things would be,” I told him. “I really thought that we were forever. And I’d be lying if I told you that it didn’t bug me that this seems to be so easy for you, but it’s so hard for me.”

“Can you just drive?” he asked, in a very bitchy way. I nodded, and drove back to Escorial. I parked in back, and he got out, and started to walk away. He paused. “Are you coming?”

“OK,” I said, confused. I followed him through the massive house, and noted that he was taking the back ways so we’d avoid the main rooms, and encounters with potential residents. When we got to his room, he opened the door and held it open for me, and after I went in, he closed and locked it.

“I just didn’t want to have this talk in a fucking car,” he said. He was so agitated, in a way that was really unusual for him.

“Just forget it Wade. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You brought it up, so we’re going to finish it,” he said, almost shouting. “This isn’t fucking easy for me either.”

“What?” He was confusing the shit out of me.

“It’s not easy for me to say goodbye to you, it’s not easy to watch you go off to Chicago, and it’s sure as fuck not easy to start out in Boston with Tiffany and JJ.” The last line was so funny I had to grin a bit.

“Dude, you’re the one pushing me away,” I said. “It’s like you’re trying to make this less painful for me, and there’s no way you can do that.”

“I know that,” he spat. He was really emotional, and I should have been flattered that he was like this, because he rarely got this upset, and never let anyone else see him like this, but somehow the intimacy was offset by the message. “I’m not doing it because I’m worried about you. I know this is going to hurt you. I keep trying to think of a way to make this easier for you, and I can’t.”

“So why are you doing it?”

“For me, dumb ass!” he said. “Because I can’t let myself get sucked into that vortex, back into a relationship with you.”

“It can be a fun vortex,” I joked, grinning a bit to ease the tension.

He nodded. “Too fun.” He led me over to the bed. “We were college lovers, but as of Sunday, we’re not college guys anymore.”

“My feelings for you aren’t going to die just because we graduate,” I said.

“Matt, my feelings for you aren’t going to die either,” he said sincerely. “That’s a problem, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“I don’t think it’s a problem at all,” I said. I didn’t get why he thought being with me was so horrible.

“It’s a problem because I’m having a really hard time being just friends with you,” he said. “And I can’t be more than that.”

“You keep saying that. You keep saying that we can’t be partners. Wade, I get that I fucked up. I was a complete idiot. But Christ, can’t you give me a chance to show you that I’ve changed, that I can do better?”

He shook his head. “I watched Brad and Robbie’s roller coaster relationship, and that’s a ride I’m not getting on. I experienced that with all the shit we’ve dealt with over the past year and a half. I love you, but I can’t do that. Sometimes love isn’t enough.”

“Dude, what we have is beautiful,” I insisted.

“It is,” he agreed, grinning slightly, “but it’s not enough. I need someone who is stable, loyal, faithful, and supportive. That’s what I need, and that’s what I can offer. I can be those things, and I can return those feelings.”

“I wasn’t those things before, but I can do that now,” I promised.

“I don’t think you can,” he said. “And I can’t risk it, I can’t risk you telling me that you’ll do them, and then you don’t.”

“How can I convince you?” I was pleading now. He turned away, but I pulled him back. “Wade, listen to me. You are everything to me.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I can’t be that person, the person for you.”

“You love me, and I love you,” I asserted. I waited for him to object, but he didn’t, since we’d both know he’ be lying if he did. “We have both been through hell. You dealt with it better than I did. Can’t you factor that in?”

“I can, and I did, and you didn’t handle it better than me, you handled it differently,” he said quickly. “But these issues have been with us from the beginning, and they were with us before 9-11.”

There were tears pouring down my face, and his too, but somehow I got my act together. I wiped off my face, and held his hands. “You’re not being fair.”

“What?” he asked, and tried to pull his hands away.

“You’re telling me all these reasons why we can’t be together. Tell me how we can be together.”

“We can’t. Don’t you get it?”

“Tell me what I have to do to prove to you that I can be those things that you need,” I said.

“It’s not you,” he said.

“Bullshit,” I spat. “I can change, I can learn, and I can grow. I can be responsible, I can be stable, and I can be a good, loyal partner.”

“You haven’t been,” he said.

That really pissed me off. “No? I haven’t backed you up with all the shit that happened with your family? Who went toe-to-toe with your father? And your mother? And during the deal with Nana?”

He stared at me, as those events coursed through his brain. I felt so bad for bringing them up, but this was important. “You’re right. I will always owe you for what you did.”

“You don’t owe me a fucking thing!” I yelled, and then calmed myself down. “That’s what partners do. They have each other’s backs. You’re telling me I haven’t done that in the past. You’re right. I’ve failed miserably in some cases. But I’m also pointing out that I have done a good job some of the time.”

“So?” he asked, not getting my point.

“Wade, you tell me I can’t do it, and I’m pointing out that I have done that, I have been that person, at least some of the time. See. It’s not impossible.”

“It scares me,” he admitted, words I never thought I’d hear him say. Wade wasn’t afraid of anything, but he was afraid of being with me.

“I’ve been dealing with the fact that I lost you, and it hurts me more than I can say,” I said honestly. “This pain is not going to go away.”

“What do you want from me?” he asked, frustrated.

“Another chance,” I said.

“No,” he said flatly, shaking his head for emphasis. “No.”

“Wait a minute,” I said. “Just listen to me.”

He gave me a dirty look. “Fine.”

“I’m not asking you to suddenly change your mind and ask me to go to Boston with you. I get that you want some space.”

He blinked at me. “Then what are you asking me?”

“I want you to give me a chance to show you that I’m not the college jock that you think I am, that I can face the grown up world with you. So tell me what I have to do.”

“Matt, you just don’t get it. It’s not about you becoming someone else. It’s about who you are, and who I am. It’s not like there’s some class you can take to be the ideal guy for me, and quite frankly, if you did that, you wouldn’t be as awesome as you are.” I just stared at him blankly. “I don’t want you to change; I just don’t want to be with you.”

I stood up, and looked down at him. “This thing that we have, this love, this doesn’t happen every day. It’s not like there are fifteen guys out there who I can just slot in and replace you, and you can’t do that either. What we have is a rare gift, and you’re throwing it away.”

“I’m really sorry,” he said.

“You have no faith in me, you don’t trust me, and you don’t really care about me,” I said bitterly. “That is so unfair.”

“I trust you, I have faith in you, and I love you,” he insisted, and stood up to face me. “We just aren’t a good match.”

I shook my head. “You’re quitting on us, and tossing us away. This decision means that both of us are going to live in hell for a very long time, all because you’re too goddam stubborn to give us a try.”

“Maybe we can try to maintain our friendship,” he offered lamely.

“No,” I said. “I’m going to have to spend all of my effort trying not to hate you.” I turned and walked out of his room and into mine, slamming the door behind me, both on Wade, and on any hopes of us for the future.

I was going to lock myself away in my room, but that kind of inactivity when I was agitated wouldn’t work. Instead, I went down to the gym and lifted until my muscles ached. No one was down there, which matched my mood perfectly. Normally I would have gone to talk to Stef or JP, or called Cody, but this time, I decided that I would sort things through in my own mind. I sat back in the steam room, letting the heat and dampness permeate every part of my body, and made a few resolutions.

The first thing was that I was going to stop being this pathetic fuck that chased after Wade like a lovesick puppy. That was ridiculous, and it was totally unattractive. I had pride, and I found it. No way was I going to be his fucking doormat.

The second thing I resolved to do was to put our relationship behind me, as painful as that may be, and move on with my life. If Wade didn’t want to be with me, then maybe I didn’t want to be with him, and even if I did, there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I’d met other guys who liked me. I thought back to high school, and remembered Cam Heely. He’d been into me, so much that he’d dodged me at the end of high school to avoid the pain of being around me. The similarity to that situation, and my situation with Wade, was pretty jarring, but there was no use in laboring over it. I’d had an intense relationship with Cody, and I’d had a good beginning with Carullo. There had been other guys I could have spent more time with, and built a better bond, but I hadn’t done that because I’d been with Wade. Now I wasn’t, and I was going to go for it.

And finally I resolved that I was not going to leave the field of battle like I had last time. I was not going to walk out of here and leave my family behind. Having a wall between me and JP, Stef, Brad, Frank, and the rest of them had been really traumatic. This time, I was going to make sure I nurtured those ties, even from Chicago.

I wrapped a clean towel around my waist, grabbed my gym clothes, and walked confidently back to my room. I was almost to my door when I saw Will and Zach walking out of Will’s bedroom. Their eyes feasted on my body, in a way that helped restore a bit of my ego, and that was exciting enough to make my dick plump up a bit. “Hey,” I said to them casually.

“Hey,” Will said, with a mischievous look on his face. “You’re looking good.”

“Duh,” I said, making them both laugh.

Will walked up and gave me a hug, but he had an ulterior motive, one that I figured out when I felt his fingers brush against my waist as he loosened the towel. He pulled away from me as the towel dropped to the floor, and I just stood there naked, rolling my eyes. “Very good,” Zach said, and winked at me.

I shook my head and went into my room, leaving the towel in the hallway. I’d get it when I was dressed. I paused to look in the mirror, and to give myself props for being hot. My issues had never been about my looks, they’d been about what was behind my smooth skin, and underneath my dark blond hair. I stood at a solid 6’1” now, having pushed up an extra half inch since my senior year of high school. I thought back to those days, and how I’d looked like such a teenager. Now I was so much bigger. My muscles bulged, because they were big, and because I worked out. I had hair on my chest now, or I would have if I didn’t shave or wax it off. I’d done that because the smooth look was in, and because it accentuated my pecs, but I paused to wonder if I should let it grow out. I did a brief mental analysis, picturing myself with and without chest hair, and then decided that at this stage in life, I’d skip it. I let my eyes move lower to my abdomen, where I also had to wax, but I’d left my treasure trail in place. I thought they were sexy, but somehow, it just didn’t seem to work with the rest of my body. It was more of a teenage deal, not an adult feature. Impulsively, I grabbed my body razor and got rid of it. I looked at the trail-less me in the mirror, and smiled. That had been a good call. I spent some time with the razor, making sure my pubes were trimmed. I didn’t completely shave them, because I thought it would make me look creepy, like a man trying to be a boy, but I did sculpt them down to just stubs. While I was at it, I did my normal routine and shaved my ass and my balls, keeping those perfectly hairless.

Now, fully groomed, I stood in front of the mirror and stroked my dick a few times, laughing at myself when it filled out to its full seven inches. It seemed thicker than it was when I was younger, but that may be just an illusion on my part. I shook my head and hopped into the shower, getting all cleaned up while taking a few minutes to jack off.

I walked into the dining room and was surprised to find I was in a good mood. I was done with this moping shit. I had my game back. “Hey there!” I said to Claire and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She was JP’s daughter, and had his gorgeous blond hair. “It’s good to see you!”

“It is good to see you as well,” she said, and seemed to mean it. “I heard that you moved back in here. I assumed dorm food would cause you to lose some weight, but that does not appear to be the case.”

I laughed, and pulled up my shirt a bit to show off my six-pack. “You think I’m fat?”

“I never had muscles like that,” Jack grumbled playfully.

“You were so hot, you didn’t need them,” I flirted.

“I was,” he agreed, cracking me up.

The clock started gonging out, announcing it was dinner time, which prompted the stragglers to enter. JP came walking in, followed by Stef, and then just as the last chime rang, Wade made it into the room. He looked calm and unruffled as usual, but I could read him, and could tell how distraught he was. He looked at me, and as mad as I was at him, I couldn’t hurt him just to be a bitch. I smiled at him, and walked over to a chair, then pulled out the one next to it for him. “Thank you,” he said politely, as he sat down. “I feel like a chick.”

“You’re not always the chick,” I teased.

“Did you decide what you’re doing after dinner?” he asked.

“Not yet,” I said. “I may hit up a party, but I’m not sure.”

“If you don’t have anything better to do, maybe we can hang out,” he said.

“Let me keep my options open,” I teased. He frowned at me, getting that I was in a playful mood. “I’m all yours tonight.”

That got a genuine smile. “Good.”

JP stood up, which was rare, but that meant he had something important to say. “I would like to start our meal tonight by celebrating a few very important milestones.” He looked to Wade and me. “As I am grounded in the academic world, I will start by congratulating you two on completing your studies. On Sunday, you will be awarded your degrees. That is no small achievement.” He raised his glass to us, and everyone said ‘hear hear’ loudly, and drank.

“Thank you, JP,” I said. “I’m pretty proud of the fact that I made it through without having to sleep with any professors…” I paused for effect. “…At least not professors whose class I was taking,” and winked at him. Everyone laughed hysterically except for JP, who gave me a dirty look. Before I’d known I was Robbie’s son, I’d hooked up with JP and Stef. That had been an amazing and eye-opening experience. Stef was shameless, so he couldn’t care less about it, but JP still let it bother him. It was fun to tease him about it once in a while.

“Quite so,” he said rigidly, making everyone laugh some more. “And we have another milestone this evening. It is Zachary’s 17^th birthday. Happy birthday!” We all toasted him as well, and I realized that I was probably going to be pretty hammered by the time this dinner was over.

“Happy birthday bro!” Gathan said affectionately. It was amazing that those two, who had barely been able to get along just six months ago, were now pretty tight.

“Thanks,” Zach said shyly. Dinner turned out to be a blast, and afterward, we all went into the television room, with its comfy chairs, for after-dinner drinks. The staff brought out a cake for Zach, and we all sang Happy Birthday to him. Then it was time for presents. Frank handed Zach a big box, and when he opened it up, there was a football inside.

Zach took it out of the box and looked at the signature. “Wow,” he said, and smiled at Frank. “This is cool.”

“What is it?” Will asked.

Zach read the inscription. “I’ll see you in the NFL in a few years. Best, Marshal Faulk.” He just spun it around in his hand, this ball that was hopefully a predictor for him, signed by one of the best running backs ever. “Thanks,” he said to Frank sincerely.

“This is from us,” Stef said as he gestured to include JP, and handed him a package. Zach opened it up and found a really nice TAG Heuer watch.

“This is awesome,” he said to them, as he put it on. “Thank you so much.”

“You are welcome,” Stef said. Zach opened some other miscellaneous gifts, until he seemed to be done.

“And this is from me,” Will said, handing him an envelope.

“What is this?” Zach asked.

“Open it,” Will said, being a smart ass.

Zach opened it and pulled out a letter, along with a passport. “You got my passport?” Will nodded. Zach paused to read the letter, and then looked up at Will, stunned. “From now until July 4th, we can go anywhere I want?” he asked Will.

“That’s the deal,” Will said. “We can take off after graduation, but we have to be back by July 4th.”

“I’ve never been anywhere,” he said, completely dazed. “Wow. We could go to China.”

“We could,” Will agreed. I wondered if you needed a visa to do that, but I didn’t raise that as an issue.

“That’s a wonderful gift,” Frank said nervously. “There’s only one problem.”

“What?” Will asked, his eyes narrowing.

“Wally and Clara may not be all that happy about you two going off on your own, without a chaperone,” he said.

I watched them both struggle with that, knowing that without Wally and Clara’s blessing, this gift was a total bust. It was pretty sad to see them get so depressed. “Dude, I’d go with you, but I have that internship,” Gathan said.

“It’s OK,” Will said. “We’ll figure something out.”

“I’ll go,” I said impulsively.

“You’ll chaperone them?” Frank asked.

I stared at him, daring him to suggest that I was unsuitable when Gathan would have been acceptable. “I will,” I said, as if it were a vow.

“Dude, thank you,” Zach said sincerely.

“Happy birthday,” I said. I felt eyes on me, and glanced over to see Will smiling in my direction. This was a nice way to make it up to him for some of the past shit, and it would be a good way to spend some time with him and build a better bond. And it would keep me away from Wade and his bullshit.