Enigma - 10. Chapter 10 - A Journey into the Past

Silver sits shivering at the kitchen table while I make us both a hot chocolate and then I take him into the living room and wrap a blanket around him as he half lies on the sofa, his legs drawn up. I sit in the chair facing him, it’s safer that way.

“Are you okay?” He nods. “Warm enough?” Another nod. “Ready to talk?” Hesitation and then a nod. “Okay... do you remember your dream?” A silent nod.

“Silver... you need to talk about it... and that means talking, not just nodding okay?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about, nothing at all. Just relax and take your time. You are in control, completely.”

“I... I am?” He looks at me with something like wonder and something like shock in his eyes.

“Yes you are. This is your time. You can speak or not speak... as much or as little as you like, about whatever you want. You are in control.”

“Thank you.”

“Don't thank me and don’t say sorry. It’s what I’m here for. I’m here for you... just for you.”

“I... thank you.” He smiles. It is just a little smile, in fact it’s hardly a smile at all, just a quick lift of the corners of his mouth, but it is beautiful.

“So... what was the dream about?”

The smile disappears and he lowers his head to stare into his chocolate, his hair falling to effectively screen him off. “David.”

I am surprised. I don’t know what I was expecting but I certainly thought that it would have been about something that had happened to him. David? The name rings a bell... and then I remember.

“That’s your friend isn't it? The one in the painting?”

“Yes.” There is a tightness in his voice that speaks of unbearable pain held in check.

“What happened to him... in the dream?”

“He died.” It is just a whisper, almost below hearing.

“You said that he really is dead... was the dream about what happened to him?”

“Yes.”

“Can you talk about it, about how he died?”

“No.”

“Okay... that’s fine Silver... you don’t have to. What about talking about him before he died? Tell me what he was like, what he looked like, what he liked to do, what kind of a friend he was. Did you know him for long?”

Silver looks up, only marginally less scared. “No.”

“No?”

“I... didn’t know him for long.”

“How long?”

“A short time.”

“Days? Weeks? Months?”

He looks at me blankly, confused, unable to process the information he has and align it with what I am asking him for.

“Did you have a concept of time while you were... where you were? Do you know how long you were there? Do you know how long it’s been since you were there?” He shakes his head, looking scared.

“That’s alright Silver, don’t look so worried. It’s hard to keep track of time when you don’t have anything to measure it by. We can work on that. It will come back. So you knew David for a short time...”

“Yes. We were... we were bought...” He flicks his eyes and me and hurriedly corrects himself. “brought to the same place.” He shudders. “The last place.”

“Okay... so you got to know each other when you were at the same place.”

“Yes. He was the same as me.”

“What do you mean by that? He was the same age? The same size?”

“He... had the... same place... in the house.” He stumbles, looking at me anxiously, willing me to understand.

“I think I understand. He served the same purpose, had the same job... duties... expectations.”

“Yes... except...” I waited, letting the silence do the work for me, smiling encouragingly as Silver struggles with inner demons. Suddenly something seems to snap and the still full mug of hot chocolate tumbles from his fingers, as the words tumble from his lips. “He was young... just a little boy. It was his first house. He was fair like the sun and he still had... he still had part of what he was before.” Silver closes his eyes. “He told me his name. I didn’t even ask, but the first night... when we were together, when we were still... He was called Leo because he looked like a lion with a mane of gold but he remembered his name and he gave it to me to keep for him in case they made him forget.”

I am utterly shocked and I don’t even move to pick up the spilled mug. I have never heard Silver speak so much or so fluently and with such passion.

“He was sweet and kind and gentle. They hadn’t made him hard, not yet. The master was kind at first. We... were together, always together and no one beat us. As long as we were respectful and obedient we were treated well... fed regularly... good food and there wasn’t much pain... not like before.

“The master had parties and he liked us to entertain the guests. He wasn’t like the others... he didn’t... he didn’t want us to... to... be with them... the guests... he wanted us to be with each other. We... danced and sang and... and we... put on shows... together.

“I... I thought it was alright. I didn’t know. No one told me that it was just for the shows. We were together all the time. We practiced and we ate and we slept and I... I loved him. We loved each other... every day. It was cold at night and we had only the floor for a bed, one mattress on the floor. We held each other and we loved each other. I thought... I didn’t know.”

Tears are streaming down his cheeks and his words cut off, choked with sobs. I am horrified by the pictures in my head, the pictures of two young boys paraded before leering fat old men, performing sexual acts to pleasure them and then crawling into a cold dark cell with only one mattress and turning the perversions they have been taught into something pure and strong and lasting. Comforting each other in the only way they could, the only way they knew how. And that wasn’t allowed?

“What happened?”

“They f...f...found us.”

“You were caught... together?”

“Yes. I... I didn’t know... I didn’t know it wasn’t allowed. I didn’t know it was disrespectful. No one told me.” He gazes at me, his eyes pleading, begging for... something... forgiveness, understanding... absolution. “I... I told them it was my fault. I knew they would... I knew they would hurt me but I didn’t want them to hurt him. He was only a little boy... I tried to protect him but... but I only made it worse.

“The more I begged the more they told me I was being disrespectful and they hurt me and David... David kicked them and struggled and screamed at them not to... not to hurt me. The more I tried to help him the more they hurt me and the more he struggled and then... and then...” He stops short, shaking his head from side to side... the extreme emotion paralyzing him. His eyes are not seeing me, not seeing the room or anywhere near it.

“Then they killed him?”

“Yes.”

“Did they make you watch?”

“Yes.”

“Was that when they tried to kill you too?”

“Yes.”

Silver is shutting down. I can see it happening in front of my eyes and I can’t let it. He has come so far. What has happened tonight is a huge step forward for him. To have started off here less than four days ago so completely withdrawn, responding only to commands and speaking no more than a few words at a time and now, in such a short time to have morphed into someone who can speak so fluently and with such passion... It is little short of a miracle and I can’t let that die. I can’t let him slip back. Truth be told, I can’t bear to see that beautiful animated face with its expressive eyes turn into a blank mask again. I couldn’t bear it.

I slide off the chair and crawl to the side of the sofa, ignoring the puddle of hot chocolate on the carpet. I reach out and take his hand, holding it tightly in mine.

“It wasn’t your fault Silver. You did nothing wrong, nothing at all. What happened was awful. It was horrendous. What those people did to you... to David was vile beyond belief... but it was they who were to blame... they who were wrong, who were evil... not you... either of you.

“You did a wonderful thing Silver. Despite everything that had been done to you, all the conditioning that had been forced on you, that you had lived by... you stood up for the person you loved. You fought for him and he fought for you. You were both incredibly brave. It was you who were right and they who were wrong... never doubt that. They were evil men for what they did to you. You didn’t deserve it. Do you understand that? Do you understand that you didn’t deserve it?”

Shaking violently Silver looks into my eyes and I see him draw himself back. It is an enormous effort because he doesn’t want to come back. He wants to fly, to hide, to find that safe place inside his head and stay there. He wants to run away but he doesn’t. Slowly, step by painful step he forces himself back to the present and I almost break down when I see the life flood back into his eyes, even though it is expressed through such a deep pain.

I wait until I am sure he is present again and then I squeeze his hand and push the sodden hair out of his face, tucking it behind his shoulder.

“You do understand don’t you? You understand that you didn’t deserve what happened to you?”

“David was innocent. He was new. He tried to hard to be good... at everything. He didn’t deserve...”

“No Silver... not David... you. I know that David didn’t deserve what happened to him. I know that he was a good person and that he was sweet and innocent and new. But my concern is with you. Do you understand that you didn’t deserve what happened... not then or any time before?”

Keeping his eyes on mine he shakes his head. “Why do you think you deserved it?”

“I was...” He ducks his head, ashamed but I cup his chin and tilt it up again. Even so he won’t meet my eyes.

“Silver... there is nothing you could have done which would make you deserve that... nothing.”

“I was... I was... disobedient. From the start I was disobedient. I fought everything, everyone. I was... like an animal... and I only deserved to be treated like one. I didn’t deserve to be loved, not by anyone... I was a fool to think I could.”

“Silver... listen to me.” My voice comes out a lot sharper than I had intended because I am so appalled by what he is saying. Silver’s head snaps up and his eyes widen, scared. I shake my head.

“Don’t be scared of me Silver. Never be scared of me. I am not going to hurt you. Believe that. I would never hurt you. But you have to know that you did not deserve to be treated like an animal... no human being does. The reason you fought was because you were strong and brave. Back then you knew that what was being done to you was wrong and you fought. You fought to hold on to who you were. You fought against things you knew were bad, wrong. Do you understand that? Do you have any concept of how good that was, how brave you were?”

The fear turns to confusion. I can see his mind working behind the flashing silver eyes, emotions passing over his face like butterflies, never settling for long before being replaced by another.

“I... I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. No one is telling me any more.”

It is almost a wail and I am compelled to take him into my arms again. I have been doing this a lot, way too much and I am going to have to stop soon... but not now... now he needs the physical contact more than anything else.

“Yes they are Silver... they are... you are... you just need to learn to listen to yourself again. Your own voice has been drowned out by others for so long you have lost the ability to hear it. You just need to listen very carefully and you will.”

“I... I will?”

“Try it. Close your eyes.” He looked at me fearfully. “Do you trust me?” He nods carefully. “Then close your eyes.”

Reluctantly he complies. “Now think about David. Think about the boy he was when you were together, when you were friends, when you were happy for a while. Can you picture that?”

“No... it hurts.”

“I know it hurts Silver but try to put aside what happened after and just think about what it was like when it was good for you. Think about the things that you liked best about David, what made you fall in love with him.”

Silver is silent for a while and then he nods slowly. “Yes... I can do that.”

“Okay... now imagine that he is here with you right now. Imagine that he is in this room... just like you’ve seen him inside your head. He’s standing right besides you. Can you picture that?”

“I... don’t want to.”

“I know it’s hard for you but just try.”

“O...okay... I... yes... I can.”

“Now what would you say if I asked you to hurt him? If I asked you to take a knife and plunge it into his heart?”

Silver’s eyes fly open and he jerks away from me... his lips working and his head shaking.

“What would you say to me Silver?”

“No.” He spits out. “I would say no.”

I smile at him. “You see... it isn’t that hard... listening to your own voice.”

Silver looks deeply confused and then his eyes turn introspective and his lips move as he works things through in his head. A look of astonishment breaks over his face and then a smile. It is a smile of wonder, a smile of relief, a smile of such beauty it makes me want to cry.

“I did... I listened. It wasn’t hard.”

“There will be things that are harder and things that are not so hard. If you listen hard enough you will always hear it.”

He draws his lips in over his teeth and sniffs. “Your face is covered with tears and snot. I have to say that you are not at your most attractive right now.”

Eyes widen, looking hurt and then... incredibly they start to twinkle and he smiles. “You’re teasing me.”

“Yes... yes I am. Your voice told you that. You’re learning to listen to it.”

He smiles and nods. “Yes I am.” Suddenly he throws his arms around me and hugs me hard. “Thank you River.”

“You have nothing to thank me for. I listen, that’s all. You’re an incredible person Silver. I don’t think I have ever met anyone who is as strong and brave as you. To have gone through what you have gone through and remained as untouched... it’s incredible... you are incredible.”

“I’m not untouched River.” He mumbles into my neck.

“Yes you are Silver... oh yes you are.”

“I don’t... understand.”

I pull back and look into his beautiful eyes and see the true beauty that is within spilling out of them with his tears and I can barely stand to see it. I struggle to find the words.

“Your body has been touched many times by many people.” He winces and tries to look away. “Don’t be ashamed of that Silver, don’t ever be ashamed of something that you had no control over... it doesn’t matter... It doesn’t matter at all. Your body was your tool... a tool that was used by others for their own purposes. They tried to make you into that tool, too. They tried to take the very essence that was you and break it so that there was no difference... that what was done to your body was done to your soul so that you would be forever bound to it... to them.

“Do you remember I told you about my friend?” He nodded, curiosity pushing aside the shame a little, allowing himself to listen with full attention. “That’s what they did to him. They tore out his soul and damaged him so badly he could never be put back together again. He didn’t want to. He became the thing they made him into and there was nothing left of what he had been before so he could never go back to being that. Do you understand?”

“I... think so.”

“But they haven’t done that with you. There is a part of you deep inside that was never touched... that is still exactly the same person you were before any of this happened. There is a beauty inside you that they couldn’t ruin and spoil, a light that they couldn’t put out. That is the part of you that fought them all those times, the part that was able to love David, the part that made you fight for him. That is the part that is untouched, the place where your voice is coming from.

“It’s hard now to see that, because you have been in the darkness for so long... but you will. Step by step I will help you find that person again, that place that you have kept hidden so deeply inside you. I will help you find him and bring him out again. You can do it Silver. You can become the person you were always meant to be... the brave, strong, intelligent, creative, beautiful person that has been there all along, hiding.”

As I speak his eyes fill with wonder. I have no idea what I am talking about, where the words are coming from or even if they are making sense. I keep speaking because I see the change that the words are bringing about in him. It is as if my voice is a spring and the words are a waterfall that washes over him, that washes him clean. It is so beautiful to see that.

“Can I? Can I really be that person River? Can I be...?”

“Be who Silver? Who were you... before? What was your name?”

He opens his mouth then shakes his head. “I can’t River. I’m not ready to be that person, to let him out.”

“That’s alright. You’ve made a huge start, a really huge one. You’ve come so far so fast. Give it time. You need to sit back and let what has happened so far settle in before you try and push it further.”

He nods, smiling. He looks exhausted. “What you need most right now is sleep. Do you think you will be able to sleep now if you go back to bed?”

“Yes. I am very tired. Will you stay with me?”

I am very reluctant but how can I show him that? There is no way after the journey we have taken tonight that he would not see it as rejection and that might set him back weeks. How can I tell him that the reason I don’t want to stay with him, that I don’t want to lie in the same bed with him, that I don’t want to be anywhere near him, is because I know that as soon as I close my eyes the only thing that will dominate my every thought will be the memory of kissing him?

“Alright. Until you go to sleep.”

“Please... no... Stay until morning. I... know that I won’t have bad dreams if you are there.”

“You are certainly listening to that voice now aren’t you? Getting quite demanding.” I soften my words with a smile and he smiles back. “Alright... just this once I will stay with you until the morning... but first I have to clean up this mess.”