Flux - 34. Chapter 34

July 27, 2002

Paris

Matt

“Welcome to Paris,” JP said to Wade, and gave him a perfunctory hug. “If you will excuse me, I have some things I must work on.” We watched him walk into his study, and then our eyes reconnected.

I walked up to him and held out my hands, and he held them with his, even as he cringed. For some reason, me holding his hands seemed to really freak him out. “It’s good to see you,” I said.

He smiled uncomfortably. “We need to talk.”

I thought about that, and decided that if we were going to have privacy, we’d have to leave the apartment before everyone else got back. “Let’s go for a walk.”

We got in the small elevator and went down to the ground floor, then started walking toward the left bank. “It’s beautiful here,” he said, making small talk until we got to the left bank and started walking along the Seine.

“So what do you want to talk about?”

“Us,” he said.

“What about us?”

“We can’t be friends if you’re going to get jealous every time I’m with someone,” he said, being self-righteous. I didn’t say anything, I just walked with him, letting my irritation fade so I could be logical, just like JP had suggested. I paused to think about how lucky I was that I’d had that conversation with him.

“What makes you think I was jealous?” I asked.

“Come on Matt,” he said, frustrated. “I know you were jealous.”

“How do you know?” I challenged. “You can’t be mad at me for feelings you think I have. If you’re going to get mad, at least have a reason.”

“You all but hung up on me when you called me,” he said.

“I did, because you were rude, and it really was inexcusable,” I said, going on the offense. “It was so unlike you.” It was actually hilarious to see how upset that made him, especially since he’d been hanging out with Alex and his impeccable manners.

“I was rude?” he asked, outraged.

“You were. I can’t believe you haven’t already apologized.” Whenever we had arguments, Wade was usually right, or at least he argued better than I did, so it was relatively pleasant to actually have the upper hand for a change. He just looked at me, demanding that I go on. “You don’t get it?”

“Explain it to me,” he said, and he was really pissed.

“You and I came on this trip together. This was one of our last chances to spend time together as a couple before we went our separate ways. I invited you to join us, all but begged you, and you agreed.” He grimaced, because he knew I had him. “I didn’t get upset when you spent time with Alex, and I didn’t get all bent out of shape when you all but ignored me when we were at Bridgemont. And when JP called and said they were coming here, I could tell how much that bothered you, because I knew you didn’t want to leave Alex.”

“I was enjoying Bridgemont,” he said, as if Alex weren’t the reason he wanted to stay.

“I think you owe it to me to be honest about this,” I demanded, and not in a nice way. He didn’t say anything, so I went on. “I didn’t get upset with you until you told me you were totally bailing on me in the middle of our trip.”

“You’re telling me you weren’t jealous?” he asked, and I just started laughing at him.

“You’re changing the subject. It’s the same thing you always accuse me of doing.”

“It’s relevant,” he snapped.

“No, it’s not. Tell me what I did that made me seem jealous.”

“I know you were,” he said.

“So I’m not even allowed to have my own thoughts and feelings? You’re going to put them in my brain, and that’s it?” He said nothing as we walked. “This is like going out on a date, dinner and a movie, and after dinner, you leave me and go sit with another guy in the movie.”

“It is not,” he said. I managed to restrain myself from pointing out that he sounded like JJ.

“And it’s just like what you did to me before you came out of the closet,” I said, trying to control my anger as I remembered those times. “We’d be out at a party, having a great time, and you’d go off with some bitch and fuck her, leaving me high and dry. You do remember that, don’t you?”

“I remember,” he said.

“So let me summarize. Even though you were chasing after Alex like a dog in heat, I didn’t get upset or pissed off. I was polite to you, and to him, and didn’t do anything to make you or him think I was jealous. Did I?”

“No, but I know you…”

“That’s not the point,” I said. “Name one thing I did that was rude to you or Alex, or made it seem like I was jealous!”

“You were very polite,” he admitted.

“So you came over here to bust my balls for making you feel guilty?” He didn’t say anything. “You should feel guilty. You treated me like shit.”

We walked along, a slow stroll. I didn’t say anything. I’d laid that out here, and it was up to him to respond. “That’s not why I’m here. Or at least it wasn’t why I came here in the first place.”

“So you think it was OK to blow me off like that?”

“No it wasn’t,” he finally admitted. “I’m sorry.”

I stopped and looked at him, smiling slightly, then leaned in and kissed him gently and lovingly. I felt him respond, felt him get into it, then he froze up and pushed me away. He walked away from me and went over and sat on a bench. That really shocked me. I walked over and sat down next to him. “What’s wrong?”

He sat there for a bit, and if I didn’t know him better, I’d have thought he was bracing himself, getting up his nerve. He looked at me, his eyes boring into mine, and even though I could see that they were watery, I could also see his determination. “I like him.”

All that shit I’d postured about, about not being jealous, was now biting me in the ass, because now I had to act like I wasn’t. Inside, I was going into a tailspin. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I had seen this coming; I had suspected this would happen. Yet here, now that it did, I was totally unprepared. He’d expected me to throw a fit, to rant and rave, but I was too depressed to do that. “I could tell,” I said softly. At this point uttering words seemed to take a Herculean effort. “Does he like you?”

“Yes,” he said. We both looked out at the Seine.

“Did you sleep with him?”

“Yes.” I sat there, in complete agony, trying desperately to hide how jealous I was, and how this was eating me up. Alex had fucked my man, which was bullshit, because Wade wasn’t my man, but that’s the thing I had to restrain. But something inside me, some last bit of sanity, reminded me that controlling that green monster had been good for me before, and it was probably even more important now.

“I thought he had a girlfriend,” I said. “Was she just a beard?”

I could sense his total surprise that I hadn’t flown off the handle. I looked sideways, and he gave me a dirty look, and then calmed himself down. “I don’t know. He says he’s bisexual.”

“Did he break up with her?”

“That’s what he’s doing right now,” he said.

I looked at him, and understood now why he had come to Paris. “And that’s why you’re here.”

“It’s not really the same thing,” he said. As painful as this was for me, I could tell it was just as hard for him. Suddenly I felt overwhelming compassion for him. I knew he was going to hurt me really badly, but I still wanted to make it easy on him. I guess that said a lot about how much I loved him. I moved closer and put my arm around him. I was determined to turn this nightmare conversation around, and have it turn out as good as it could.

“Just tell me what you want to tell me.”

“I know we’re not technically together, so it’s not the same thing,” he said. “But we’ve gotten a lot closer this summer.”

“Until we went to Bridgemont, we were two people who loved each other; friends with benefits,” I said to prompt him. “What’s changed?”

“I can’t do the benefits,” he said, and gave me an apologetic look. And as awful as that was, because it meant we were completely over as a couple, at least he wasn’t planning to completely push me out of his life.

“But you still love me?”

He smiled. “I do.”

“And we’re still friends?” I asked, but in a teasing way, to tell him this would be alright.

“We are.”

“But no benefits? None?” I asked.

“None.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously,” he said, smiling broadly because he knew I was just playing around to make it easier.

I kept smiling at him and tilted my head, my most alluring pose, I thought with a chuckle. “Not even a blow job?”

He chuckled with me. “Not even a blow job.” I probably could have talked him into a goodbye fuck, but I think we both knew that would be too painful. I felt like I’d been in control of our mood this whole time, which was pretty surprising. I’d gone from miserable, taken us to caring and playful, and then I brought us back to a more serious tone.

“Does Alex’s family know about you two?”

“Not yet,” he said. That bothered him, and I felt bad for bringing up a tough topic. “He’s going to deal with that when he has to.”

“You mean when he’s sure you two are a solid couple,” I said, manfully controlling my sadness, and my concern for Wade. Alex was hedging his bets, unwilling to let the old Duke know that he was a bender until he was sure Wade and he weren’t just a flash in the pan.

“Yeah,” he said. “I’m really sorry that I hurt you.” I looked at him, and saw a tear fall down his cheek, something that was very unusual for Wade. It reminded me of how much this was hurting him too. I knew that he loved me. I knew that he cared about me. And I knew that he wouldn’t hurt me unless it was important.

“It’s OK,” I said. “It was pretty obvious that you were into him. And for you to be so into him that you’d basically bail on me, I knew it had to be a big deal.”

“I was, I am into him, and it is a big deal.”

“When did you sleep with him?” I shouldn’t have asked, but I had to, and I think he understood me.

“The night after you left,” he said. “He could tell I was really upset, and I told him that I felt like shit for leaving you high and dry here.” It kind of annoyed me that he’d figured that out, but he’d still argued about it. I wrote it off as an indicator of how hard this was for him.

“And he said he’d fill in for me?” I asked, but in a way that wasn’t obnoxious.

“No,” he said, giving me a dirty look. “He asked me why I stayed with him, and I told him I did it because I liked him, and found him attractive.”

“And then you had an amazing sexual extravaganza,” I said, and with that, I couldn’t hide my bitterness, because that hit me in my weakest spot, just where JP said it would. It blasted apart my sexual ego.

“Matt,” he said, and made me look at him. “My connection to Alex is here,” he said, pointing at his brain. “Not here,” he said, grabbing his crotch.

“I don’t get it.”

“If it were about the sex, I’d still be chasing you around,” he said. He reached out and held my hand to emphasize his words. “No one has ever ignited my body like you, and I seriously doubt anyone ever will.” I grinned, and felt my own eyes get watery, because he’d gone out on a limb and shared that with me to make me feel better. I could tell he was sincere, but if Alex found out, he would be hella pissed. So he was stroking my ego, and reinforcing our connection by trusting me with something that could hurt this new relationship that was so important to him.

“Maybe after you two get bored with each other, you’ll want to try a threesome,” I said, raising my eyebrows, and making him smile.

“I doubt it,” he said.

“You think you could work in a birthday fuck, just one per year?” I teased.

I thought he’d laugh, but he didn’t, he got serious. “Alex isn’t the one who is saying I can’t sleep with you. I am.” God, he was killing me. Just when I got my emotions stabilized, he threw me for a fucking loop again. I was trying to figure out why, if we were so good together, he didn’t want to sleep with me. If it was OK with Alex, why would Wade have a problem with it? Unless he’d been lying about us being so good together.

Maybe Alex would only agree to a fair deal, so if Wade could fuck me, that gave him free reign. “Can he sleep with other people?”

“No,” he said, shaking his head for emphasis. “But he knew how important you are to me, and he said that if it would help our friendship, he would be OK with it.”

I just stared at him, totally stunned. I couldn’t imagine that Alex would do that. That just seemed so completely out of character. Even Alex was trying to make this as easy on me as possible. “That was a really nice thing for him to do.” It did a lot to make me not hate him, not that I did anyway. “So why’d you say no?”

“Because we’re too good together,” he said. “If I sleep with you, it could really fuck me up.”

And then I understood. It was really flattering, because we were that good together; but also sad, because that just showed how intense his feelings for Alex already were. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you.”

“You’re not pressuring me. I’m just trying to explain things, so you know where I stand. In case you didn’t get the message, you’re important to me. Really important.”

“You’re really important to me too,” I told him.

“Matt, if Alex would have told me that I couldn’t maintain our friendship and still be with him, I wouldn’t be with him.” I stared at him, stunned by that. I was overwhelmed at that point, and just latched onto him, hugging him as we sat there on the bench. I gave myself permission to let the tears flow, and they did. We stayed like that for the longest time. “You have to know that he didn’t want that, and was supportive of me maintaining our connection.”

“He’s a true gentleman. Tell him I appreciate that. If we were completely separated, this would be awful.”

“It’s still not easy,” he said.

“It’s not, but if Alex makes you happy, then I’m behind you guys one hundred percent,” I told him.

“You’ve already shown me that you’d put my happiness ahead of yours,” he said. “I really do love you.”

“I really love you,” I said. I kissed him, forcing myself to keep the passion at a less intense level. I wiped off my eyes, and his, then stood up and held out my hand, and started walking again. “I saw you in the apartment, and I figured you came over here to spend the last few days in Paris with me.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I just flew over. I didn’t even pack a bag. I was planning to fly back.”

“Do you want to go back to the apartment?”

“If I say no, does that make me a coward?”

I chuckled. “No. I understand.”

“I knew the night after you left that I had to tell you this, and that I had to tell you to your face. I just didn’t want to do it, that’s why I said I wasn’t coming here. It kills me to hurt you.”

“You dumped me in about the nicest way you could,” I said. “You managed to actually make me feel kind of good about things.”

“Then I accomplished what I wanted to do.”

I pulled him into a big hug, holding him like I was a drowning man, and felt him doing the same thing. I pulled away and kissed him, letting him feel the passion this time, just to remind him what he was giving up. When I broke it off, he was breathless, and that made me smile. “I’ll give you a call when I get back to the States.”

“Do that,” he said. I led him over to the street and flagged down a cab, then held the door open while he got in. He seemed surprised when I closed the door and didn’t join him.

“Take care of yourself,” I said. He nodded, told the driver where to take him, and then he was gone.

I walked to Pont Neuf, crossed the river and went to the Square du Vert-Galant. It comes to a point where the Ile de la Cite ends, so I found a place to sit and just stared off at the river. I watched it flow past me, off to a different place, and I knew that I had to do the same thing. I had to go off to a different place, a different relationship, or at least no relationship. I’d put too much of myself into Wade, and he had too much of himself tied up in me. That was a disaster for him as he started out on this new deal with Alex; and it would be a disaster for me, because the jealousy would consume me.

I thought about that last kiss and smiled, then frowned. If I let myself obsess about him, it was very likely that I could ultimately convince him to let me fuck him. I really didn’t think it would take much effort, especially since Alex wasn’t upset about it. But Wade had admitted that it would probably fuck him up, and I knew that the ‘probably’ wasn’t real, it was just a useless modifier. I would really fuck him up. He would be with Alex, but he would want me. That’s what he’d been trying to tell me. And if that happened, it would slowly tear at him until he ultimately did one of two things. He would either dump Alex, in which case he would hate me for breaking them up; or he would totally shut me out of his life, but even then, his relationship with Alex would be ruined.

When I’d fought to keep Wade in my life before, it had been easy, because we had been single. But now that he wasn’t, the fight was over. I had to do the honorable thing. I had to do what Marcel had done with Max and Cody, and I had to do what Cody had done with Max and Tim. I had to give Wade my blessing, and I had to be in their corner. I thought about that, chose my words carefully, and then pulled out my phone.

I found Alex’s number and dialed it. I wondered if he’d recognize my number. If he did, I wondered if he’d answer it. “Hello,” he said, with that smooth sexy accent of his.

“Alex, it’s Matt,” I said.

“Wade is in Paris, looking for you,” he said. He was trying to be pleasant, but I could hear his nervousness.

“He found me. We talked, and he’s on his way back to England, or at least he will be soon enough.”

“Thank you for letting me know,” he said, because he had no clue why I was calling him.

“When we were at Bridgemont, it was pretty obvious that Wade was totally into you.” I wondered if he understood what that American jargon meant.

“The feeling is mutual,” he said uncomfortably.

“Wade and I have a long history. He’s one of the most important people in my life. We were together for a long time, and the core of that, the friendship, that’s what’s really important to me.”

“I hope Wade told you that I didn’t want to interfere with that,” he said.

“He did. He was really clear about that,” I said, then paused. “Thanks for being such a gentleman about this. I want you to know that Wade’s happiness is important to me. It’s more important to me than my own. If you make him happy, then I’m in your corner.”

“Thank you, Matt,” he said. “It would seem that I’m not the only gentleman.”

“I promised I’d come visit you guys in Boston.”

“You will be welcome,” he said, and then we ended the call.

I must have spaced out for quite a while, letting the sights and the river calm my mind and my feelings, because when I felt my phone vibrate, I noticed that it was actually getting kind of dark.

“Hello,” I answered, trying to sound cheerful.

“Hello,” JP said. “I was just going to check up on you guys. We were planning to get some dinner and wanted to know if you wanted to join us.” I cringed when he said ‘guys’, the plural form. He didn’t know it was only ‘guy’.

“Where are you going?”

“We thought we’d keep it simple, and just eat at that restaurant around the corner from the apartment.” He gave me the name.

“I’ll meet you there,” I said. I ended the call and started walking, taking my time, knowing that it would take them a while to get organized and leave. That and I was kind of dreading this. It was almost like when I first got here. Then I remembered how they’d all cheered me up, and that motivated me to walk a little faster. I finally got to the restaurant, and noticed that they’d saved two places, assuming Wade would be with me.

“Where’s Wade?” Will asked.

“He went back to England,” I said. They all just stared at me, so I focused on Zach. “They’re together.”

“Dude, I am so sorry,” he said sympathetically. I glanced around the table, looking at their somber looks, feeling like a pathetic piece of shit, until I got to Will and saw him smiling. I raised my eyebrows, a non-verbal question as to why he was smiling.

“Manhole,” he said. That made me smile, then laugh, and from that moment, I started to actually put my relationship with Wade in the rear view mirror.

July 29, 2002

Paris

Even though I’d resolved to let Wade move on without me, that didn’t make the pain go away. It had bugged me so much that I’d called Casey yesterday, and he’d made some time for me. He really was a nice guy. I’d have to do something cool for him. He explained to me that I was going through the grieving process all over again, and that I’d probably feel the same emotions I’d dealt with after 9-11, though less intensely. He pointed out that I’d already been in denial for quite a while, and it was easy to identify the anger, the rationalizing…all of that. Somehow, having him explain that I was dealing with that process made things better. I knew how badly this would suck, but I’d also gone through it, so I knew the drill.

Everyone else was enjoying themselves, so much that they didn’t want to leave. Everyone but me. I just felt trapped. My natural instinct was to go out and get laid, to drown my sorrows in meaningless sex, but I was here with guys that I couldn’t fuck, and I was also feeling kind of weird about going out without them. If I went to a gay bar, who would I take with me? Will would go, but Zach couldn’t, so that ruled them out. Stef and JP would probably find it depressing, since the gay world focused on the cult of youth, and they weren’t young anymore. I could have probably dragged Brad off and gotten him to go, but that seemed kind of weird too. He and I had developed a much more paternal relationship since we’d resolved our issues, and it would be strange to try and pick up guys, or hook up with guys, with him there. The other alternative would be to go by myself, but Stef was so paranoid about us being out on the town alone, I’d probably give him an ulcer if I did that. So I’d hung out with them, biding my time until we went back home, so I could try to rebuild my life without Wade.

And that was the other part of this. I was going to have to minimize my contact with Wade until I had a better handle on this; until I’d grappled with the fact that we were really over. I’d got a preview yesterday of what it would be like if I didn’t do that. I’d just finished up my call with Casey, feeling really good about things, when Wade had called. He’d called to let me know that he got back to England OK, and to thank me for calling and talking to Alex. At first, I’d smiled, been all happy that I’d helped them out. Then I’d just gotten lonely and miserable. Talking to Wade, at least right now, was just going to keep the wound open.

“I’m going to the gym,” I said to Stef.

“When will you be back?”

“An hour or two,” I said. “Go ahead and do whatever you guys want. I’ll be fine.”

“You are sure?” He was worried about me, but it just made him seem like a mother hen.

“I’m a big boy,” I said, grabbing my crotch and making him giggle. “I’ll be fine.”

The gym was actually a really nice fitness center adjacent to a hotel on the right bank. I jogged over there, got some strange looks in the lobby, and then checked in with the cute chick that monitored the door. My ribs were fine now, so I could really push my body. I really had nothing to do today, so I just hung out, wandering from machine to machine, until my muscles were exhausted. About halfway through my routine, a really handsome blond guy came into the gym, and started working out near me. He was older than me, probably close to thirty, and really short. If he wasn’t so cute, he’d look like an elf. We didn’t talk, primarily because I had no clue what language he spoke, but every time I glanced over at him, I caught him looking at me. I made sure he caught me looking at him.

His looks got bolder, and so did mine. I was doing some curls, which really pumped up my guns and made me look pretty studly, and saw his eyes damn near bulge out of his head. It was so funny, I let myself smile, and that prompted him to smile back. He raised his eyebrows ever so slightly, then got up and headed back to the showers. I waited about five minutes then followed him back there.

I stripped off my clothes, wrapped a towel around my waist, and walked to the shower area. This place had individual showers, and I could see the water running in one of them. I went into the one next to his and washed the sweat off my body, and when I got out, I was surprised to find him gone. Then I noticed the sauna and smiled. I pulled the door open and walked in, letting the heat wash over me. He was sitting on one of the lower seats, so I sat relatively close to him, but up one level.

I remembered back in college when I was a freshman, how I’d run into Gillespie at the gym and been in the same position with him; only then, I’d been the one on the lower level. I started to tease the dude, to see what he’d do. I lifted my leg up and inspected my foot, as if I was looking at it for some purpose. That lifted my towel up, exposing my groin. I almost laughed when his head snapped around so fast he almost got whiplash, as he looked straight at my dick. I put my foot back down, and could see the disappointment in his face. As soon as he turned back away from me, I lifted the other leg, and had to look away so he didn’t see my grin as his head whipped around again. Not that he was looking at my face.

Only all this attention from him was pretty erotic, and I was horny as hell, so my dick was getting hard. He looked at it and moved his face closer. When he crossed that point of no return, the place where he couldn’t play it off and it was obvious he was going for the cock, he looked up at me and all but begged me with his eyes to let him blow me. I gave him the slightest of nods, and the next thing I knew, his mouth was around my dick, bobbing up and down urgently.

I was kind of disappointed that he was in such a hurry, but then again, we were in a public sauna, and it was possible for someone else to walk in at any time. That added an element of risk to the equation, and that was really hot. Some guy could come walking in and see us. Just the thought of that sent me over the edge. “Gonna cum!” I said. He stopped blowing me and started stroking my cock, aiming at his nose. I moaned loudly and shot my load, while he aimed it so I splattered it all over his face.

When I was finally done, I collapsed back, enjoying the afterglow, while he scraped my cum off his face and used it to lubricate his small cock while he beat off. I stayed there, watching him and making ‘O’ expressions to encourage him, until after he blew. I took another shower, threw on my gym clothes, and jogged back to the apartment, chuckling as I went. I was a single guy.