The Game - 26. Chapter 26

“That’s the way.” He strokes my face. “You really are very beautiful and it breaks my heart to see you in so much pain. Do you understand that everything I do is to help you?”

Yeah right. I almost smile at that. Does he really believe it? Or is he just saying it to try, even now, to win my trust. Ah well, doesn’t hurt to go along with it for a while. I allow my lips to curve in a tiny smile and I nod my head. He bends close and looks into my eyes, searching. I wonder what he is looking at, what he is looking for. I let my eyes slide over his face and then wander upwards to follow a faint crack in the plaster on the ceiling above me.

“What do you see Daniel? What are you thinking?” Despite myself my smile twitches deeper. If only he knew.

He strokes my face again, his touch is gentle and I bring my eyes back to look into his. I don’t have to try too hard to make them seem unfocussed and distant. The drugs they have given me are strong and, although I can shake their effects if I want to, all I have to do it stop trying and I sink. He must be surprised that I am as aware as I am. He looks uncertain.

“What am I to do with you?”

You know full well what you are to do with me. Even now there are those approaching who will make sure that you do it. Of course, you don’t know that yet. You think that the decision is wholly down to you and, if I wish to make life difficult for you all I need to do is lie here and let you take it.

“You’ve been through a lot and I am impressed that you have come through it so well, so strong. You are a problem to me Daniel. I have no idea what is going on inside that head of yours. Believe me, I have never had so much trouble working that out with anyone else, ever. I have no idea if you understand what I am saying to you, no idea if you are aware of what is really going on here. Are you aware Daniel? Do you know what I am doing to you?”

Oh yeah, I know. I know more than you think, than you could imagine. The question is... do I tell you? Let’s play a little longer.

Again I let my eyes slide away from his face and find the crack in the ceiling. At the same time I let my eyelids fall so that my eyes are half shut. I can still see him, still see the look on his face. He is even more uncertain.

“Daniel, look at me.”

With some effort, which is only partly faked, I open my eyes and focus on his face, blinking. He takes my face between his hands and his eyes are penetrating. I allow my face to fall into a look of confusion, puzzlement.

“Do you hear me Daniel?”

I nod.

“Do you understand what I am saying to you?”

I blink at him a few times and shake my head

“Give me a reason to go no further. Give me a reason to stop.”

Now I don’t need to feign confusion. What is he saying? Is he suggesting that he lets me go? Now?

“Listen to me Daniel. I have done bad things... I have done bad things to you. I am sorry for all of them. In the beginning I thought I was doing a good thing. I thought that I was advancing my research and, at the same time making an important move in a game that I don’t expect you to know anything about but which is a very serious thing.”

AH... so he does know about the game.

“When they first brought you to me I did what I had to do without a second thought. You were fighting and that made it easier. It was a challenge and, after all it was not such a bad thing. It isn’t as if there would be any long term effects. A few hours of pain and confusion: a few weeks in a comfortable daze being looked after, taken care of......

“But there was one thing I hadn’t accounted for, that all my careful planning couldn’t have foreseen.... you. You really are remarkable Daniel. No one should have broken my conditioning as fast as you did.... in fact no one should have broken it at all, not without going completely insane. But you are not insane are you? Nowhere near it. How did you do it?

“I will be honest with you Daniel, you intrigue me considerably and, given the time I would like to study you, work with you if possible to find out what it is that makes you so special, find what it is in you that allowed you to hold on to yourself so hard, to break what should have been an impenetrable barrier shutting you away from yourself.”

Inside me? He would look a long time to find the answers inside me... because the answer is not there... it is very much outside me... out there in the craziness of the game, and it is very simple... I am the end player... it is my destiny to make the last move....and that is one thing that they have all failed to understand. It is not a matter of being used to make the last move, or facilitating the making of the last move, or even stopping the last move being made.... it is much more simple than that.... I make the last move... I do... me... myself.... one way or another... by my will, my life... or my death.

“What are you thinking Daniel? What is happening inside that head of yours?” He strokes my hair, at the side of my face. Oh if only he knew. “I wish I knew what you are thinking. I wish you would just stay down, stop fighting. I can see that you are struggling, even now, somewhere deep inside you are fighting this. Stop it. Please Daniel. I don’t want to hurt you any more.”

Damn. I have to be more careful. He is seeing too much... or is he? Is he really seeing it or is he testing me. I keep my face carefully blank, my eyes unfocussed, my expression mildly puzzled.

“Do you even hear me?” I nod jerkily... it wasn’t meant to be jerky but it just happened that way... that’s the problem when I let myself sink... the drugs take possession of me again and they do strange things to my mind and body. I have to be careful not to sink too far.

He is frowning, his face stormy, his eyes torn with indecision. “What am I going to do with you? If I perform the procedure again I risk breaking you.... your mind, your body, both.... and I don’t want to do that. There is nothing I can do to make it easier on you. The pain is part of the process, and you have to be partially conscious to take the conditioning. On the other hand if I simply send you back with Shaun and Lily I run the risk of you regaining your memory... and there are people, powerful people, who don’t want that to happen and would be terribly unhappy with me if you did.

“I know you don’t understand what I am saying. I know you don’t care one way or another and if I keep giving you these drugs you won’t but.... the thing is I can’t keep giving them to you. They are too strong, too damaging, you feel it already don’t you... the damage they are doing to you... mentally , physically. I can see it. I want to send you back, give you something else, something gentler, something that isn’t going to hurt you .... but I can’t be sure that you will keep down. I can’t be sure that you won’t remember and it is important that you don’t remember. What am I to do? Tell me what to do Daniel, tell me I can safely let you go and I will.”

Oh shit.... I did too good a job. He is seriously considering letting me go. I can’t let that happen. It will spoil everything. Oh well...

“I... I am.... I am.... not Daniel.”

“What? What did you say?”

His face has changed. It’s dark now, frowning. The indecision is gone. I carefully allow a little awareness to leak back into my eyes... not too much... don’t give him too much or he may panic and react unpredictably.

“I... I am.... am.... I am Adam.”

“I wish you hadn’t said that, I really do. Now I have no choice. You had to keep fighting didn’t you, keep searching for your self? I can’t let you be Adam. Not now, not yet. I’m sorry.” And he really does seem sorry, but purposeful. “Rest now Dan.....Adam.... I will make the necessary arrangements and send someone to prepare you for your treatment. Don’t worry, you’ll be alright... I hope.”

When he is gone I sigh and close my eyes. That was close.