The Game - 11. Chapter 11

I am glad that Lily is here this afternoon. I think I might have killed Ben if it had been Alex. I mean, Alex is alright but he is..... patronising. Not aggressive like Ben who treats me like a constant annoyance, but sickly sweet and cloying. Lily sooths me.

The professor has had to postpone and he is not coming until this afternoon and so I am making the most of the sunshine, sitting outside in the garden. It is a very nice garden. There are long lawns bordered by lavender bushes and the scent drugs my senses more than the chemicals in my blood.

I am aware of someone moving around, vaguely hear the sound of a chair being scraped across the grass and someone else sitting down. I hear them sigh with pleasure. Lily.

Drifting on the verge of sleep, drowsed and relaxed by the scent of the sweet herbs I feel my mind spin free and I am falling. “Hey you.... superstar....over here.” The voice comes from the past, deep in the past. I struggle to surface, to wake but the voice bubbles on, cheerful, familiar, drawing me deeper. “I thought you were getting too important to speak to the likes of me. Fame gone to your head yet?” It makes me feel warm, the gentle mocking, so unlike the usual fawning. “Get your cute ass out the door I have a fast car idling and a beer chilling in back. You should be aware that I fully intend to kidnap you so you had better come quietly.”

The sun was warm then too. It was the same summer as the picnic by the river but this time we drove up into the mountains. There is no one around. No one to demand, to expect, to control. Annie never demands anything of me, nothing at all, not even friendship, although that is one thing I have no problem in freely giving to her.

Annie is my best friend in the whole wide world. I trust her with my life, with my soul. She is beautiful and funny and smart and irreverent... sometimes I think that she doesn’t care about anything... no, that’s not true... I know she cares about me. The thought makes me smile. Annie... beautiful, wonderful, special Annie..... How was I supposed to know that being her friend was going to wind up being so dangerous for me? Dangerous? Why dangerous?

I am beginning to surface. The pleasant flow of memory has become a string of questions that I am struggling to answer and as I struggle the pain begins and becomes more intense by the minute.

“Annie... Annie.... why?”

“Annie? Who’s Annie Daniel?”

“Annie.” I am only half awake but I open my eyes and see a face, blonde hair framing delicate porcelain doll features. “Annie?”

“Who is Annie Daniel? Can you remember? Can you remember Annie?”

“Yes. Annie is.... Annie is... my friend. She is not in the industry... she saves me.... all the time, saves me. She is.... she is.... searching... she is.... Adam. Adam....”

“Who is Adam? Is he another friend? Do you remember him? Do you remember Adam?”

“I.... no I.... I.... We went.... we went to the mountains... Annie drove us. There was cold beer and we sang all the way.”

“Do you like to sing?”

I can’t help but laugh at that and it suddenly occurs to me that maybe I should stop speaking now. The pain is like a metal band tightening around my temples and I am feeling nauseous and shaky. I am struggling to get away from the memories now. I don’t want to remember, not here, not like this... not when I have no control over speaking of them.

I blink my eyes and the face comes into sharper focus. Lily doesn’t look like Annie at all. The thought is the last straw. Pain lances through my head and I can’t stop the sickness sweeping over me. I try to get up, I don’t know where I am thinking to go, there was never any question of me making it as far as the bathroom, but I can’t stand and I fall forwards onto my hands and knees and vomit violently into the grass.

“I.... I’m sorry.... so sorry.”

“Daniel, don’t worry about it. It’s fine. Just relax, you’ll be alright. Breathe deeply. That’s it.” Her arm is around my shoulders and it feels good, which is more than I can say for my stomach which heaves again. I kneel in the grass retching, over and over, long after there is nothing left in my stomach to come up. My head is killing me and I just want to lie down and curl up in a ball but the arm around my shoulders is steady, the voice in my ear quiet and soothing and gradually everything settles down.

Finally I sit back on my heels and slide sideways. Lily catches me and I rest my head against her shoulder while my breathing slows and my head stops pounding. Eventually I feel almost normal again....almost. It is as if Lily is reading my mind because she puts her cool hand on my forehead and speaks softly in her gentle voice.

“Are you feeling better now?”

“I think so.”

“Do you think you can get up and sit in the chair?” With her help I can... just, although I am shaking badly. “Rest there for a minute. I’ll get you some cold lemonade.”

I am tired now, incredibly tired. Why does it do this to me when I remember? Surely this isn’t right. I am still shivering when Lily comes back with the lemonade and my hand shakes as I take it.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. I was.... I was dozing... it felt good... warm and comfortable and I.... I .... started to remember, just a trip.... a drive to the mountains but it made me smile and then... and then it started to hurt.”

“You’ve said before that it hurts when you remember. Were you trying to force it?”

“No, I was half asleep. It was just happening... just .... it was nice.... until... until...”

“Does it hurt now?”

“No.... once I remember something it doesn’t hurt to remember it again.”

“Good. The professor will be here soon. Do you want to stay here or would you rather go and lie down inside?”

“The sun is making my head ache.”

“Then let’s get you inside. Are you more steady on your feet now?”

“I think so.”

“Come on then. I’ll help you.”

I don’t really need her help. It was only a bit of puking at the end of the day, but it is nice to have her support, to have someone to lean on. It is nicer still to lie down on my bed, with the curtains closed, in cool dimness and close my eyes. It doesn’t take long to begin to drift.

By the time the professor arrives I am fast asleep and he has to wake me. I am still really groggy and I am finding it hard to concentrate on what he is saying. I try to sit up but he presses me back, gently but firmly.

“It’s alright Daniel. Don’t worry about getting up. I hear you’ve had a difficult time today.”

“Yes. Difficult.”

“What happened?”

I try to explain but the words fade from my mind even as I open my mouth to speak. My head is aching again and I am so tired.

“I was remembering... and it hurt.” It was sooo inadequate to describe what I experienced but it was the best I could do.

“What did you remember?”

“Not much... just a trip up into the mountains with friends.”

“What friends?”

Now there’s a question. “I only have a clear memory of one... Annie... she was... is called Annie. But there is someone else.... I don’t remember so clearly but... but there is someone called Adam.” I gasp. At the mention of his name pain slices through my head and if I had not already lost the contents of my stomach many times over I would have flung it at him then and there.

“I see. Is this what happened to you then when you remembered? This pain?”

“Yes.”

I lie perfectly still as he examines me. His fingers are cool as he strokes my temple, bury themselves in my hair and probe the back of my neck. Wherever he touches he awakes pain and I wince

“Can you think of them now for me Daniel? Think of something that sparks the pain so that I can see where it comes from.”

“I can try.” And I do. I think of the car outside the side door, the engine running, the sense of freedom. I think of the laughing face, the flying yellow hair, the smell of the mountains on the wind, the taste of cheap beer and the joy of friendship. None of it hurts. And then I wonder. I remember Annie’s face clearly now. I remember the sound of her voice, the tinkle of her laugh, the way her hair blows in the wind but.... but I don’t remember Adam. I remember that he is there... I remember Annie calling his name, laughing at him, teasing him.... I remember .... I remember.

“Daniel.... Daniel, are you alright?” I open my eyes and try to focus them on his face.

“I...”

“It’s alright Daniel. Don’t try to speak. Just relax.”

I feel..... strange. What happened? Did I pass out?

“What happened?”

“It’s alright. Don’t worry about it. It’s alright.”

“Why is this happening? Why does it hurt to remember? It shouldn’t hurt to remember. What... what’s happened to me?”

“Daniel.... do you trust me?”

My mind is screaming ‘No’ but I can’t say that... there is no way I can say that. What I want to say is ‘What have you done to me you bastard?’ but that is not going to help my situation at all. And so I nod my head, too tired, too confused to speak.

“Then let me worry about the why.” I try to sit up but he presses me back again, more firmly this time and there is a moment of panic.

“I.... I’m afraid.”

“Afraid? Why are you afraid Daniel?”

“Something is happening to me and I don’t know what it is. I feel out of control.”

“I know. And at the moment you are. But I am going to help you. You are going to have to trust me Daniel. I know that I said I was going to decrease your medication but I am going to have increase it for a while until we can figure out what’s going on in your head.”

“No... no I....”

“Daniel.... it won’t be for long, only until I am sure you’re stable. The alternative is to come back to the hospital so I can monitor you more closely.”

“No.... I... don’t want to do that.”

“Then let me give you the medication... just for a few days until things have settled down. Then you can come in to the hospital for a day and I’ll run some tests and find out what’s going on. Then we can start reducing it again.”

I don’t want to be drugged any more. I know it is a bad idea, but I also know full well that it is going to happen anyway.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone? I can manage. I can handle the pain.”

“It’s not as simple as that any more Daniel.”

“What.... what do you mean?”

“When .... I asked you to remember.... it wasn’t just pain you experienced. You had a seizure, major convulsions. It hasn’t done you any harm, but if it happens every time you try to remember something, every time you fall asleep and spontaneous memories come to you... then it is going to do you harm.”

“Fuck.” Well... it explains why I feel so weak and confused and generally shitty. “Alright. Whatever you think.”

I know I’m giving in too easily. I know I should fight harder, I should run screaming for the hills but I am just too bloody tired.

The professor nods. He looks serious but I can see that he is delighted. Why? Why does he want to keep me drugged senseless? So I can’t remember, of course. Why does he not want me to remember? WHAT does he not want me to remember? Adam? Although I try very hard to stop myself, I groan aloud.

“Daniel, stop struggling now. Stop trying to remember until we know why it is affecting you like this.”

“Why would I....?”

“Maybe because something happened to you that was so traumatic... so bad that your mind is trying to protect you from it by blocking out the memory. That is not uncommon. If we can find out what the key is, the event that you are trying to block out, and then take you through it in a controlled way, once you’ve remembered that event safely the rest should follow.”

A traumatic event? Yeah.... a white room, three faces, pain. That was trauma enough. It is on the tip of my tongue to say so but I hold it. I think it would be a really bad idea to let him know I remember that.

My mind is in turmoil and I close my eyes trying to control my breathing as Shaun taught me, trying to relax.

“Very good Daniel, I see you have been practicing Shaun’s techniques. Keep going. Breathe deeply now. Relax.”

I feel something settle over me and I open my eyes, or at least try to, they feel like the lids are glued shut and when I do prise then open it is only to find that I can’t focus them, can’t blink away the mist that obscures my vision. The professor is tucking a blanket around me.

I feel myself slipping and, for a moment, I am afraid. I struggle, trying to rise, trying to open my eyes and focus on what is happening around me.

“Daniel, it’s alright, calm down. Calm down now, just relax. Lie back. Relax. Keep doing your breathing exercises, it will make it easier.”

Make what easier? Then I realise that it must be the drug. I didn’t even feel him give it to me. Knowing makes it easier. I know there is no point fighting it so I let myself relax and feel my mind sinking. I can feel him touching my arm and speaking to me but it is faint and far away. I have no control over my body. I have no control over my mind. I don’t care.

“Who is Adam, Daniel?”

The question takes me by surprise. I can’t think about it, only respond. “I don’t know.”

“What do you know about the game?”

“What game?”

“Good.... that’s very good Daniel. Relax. Go deeper now. I’m sorry Daniel. I’m sorry to have to do this to you but you are too close.... too close to remembering. I would prefer to do it at the hospital, and I will, soon, but I can’t wait, I can’t risk you remembering. This is just a stop gap and it will be rough and it will be bad. I think you will be safe, I hope you will but you have to concentrate Daniel, you have to concentrate on staying with me as long as you can, on breathing. I know you can do it.” I have no idea what he is talking about but for some reason I am afraid. The little voice in my head whispers to me to be afraid.

“No... Don’t... hurt me.”

“You do remember, don’t you? You remember more than you told me. You mustn’t do that Daniel. You mustn’t let it get this far because it only hurts you more in the end. You must remember that Daniel, just that one thing. You must remember that if you remember anything, anything at all you must tell me. Don’t let it get this far again.” He touches my face and if I could I would jerk away from him, but I can’t. “Relax now, breathe deeply and it will all be over very soon.”

“What....?”

“Hush, just relax.”

I feel the needle this time. It hurts. What is he doing to me? I am afraid... so afraid but I can’t move, I can’t scream as the pain comes, everywhere. I am still aware of my surroundings a little. I hear the professor shout and there is someone else there. Someone who climbs on the bed and straddles me, holding me down as the pain slams into me again and again, convulsing my body, twisting it. My eyes fly open of their own accord and I see Ben’s face. It is pale and shocked but resolute and carefully neutral. I am struggling to breathe. It gets harder and harder and it is the only thing that matters, the only thing that exists in my world, apart from the pain... until the red mist comes and swallows me.