The Game - 18. Chapter 18

I am more confused than ever, confused and afraid. I have memories... they are not nice ones but it seems that they have opened a gate, turned a key somewhere deep inside because now there are more..... lots more. They flood me and that in itself makes me afraid. Didn’t they say that it was bad for me to remember too much? Didn’t they say that it was dangerous to me, that it might hurt me? And they are hurting me. I can feel my body shaking, all over. My head feels as though it is going to explode.

It is very dark, the curtains are closed and there is no light filtering through. I am in bed, I know that much. I remember Lily bringing me here after the other one had gone. I was so shaken, so afraid. She was like a salve to a raw wound. Her words meant nothing but her voice was soothing, and it was so nice to lie in a clean cool bed, allow myself to float off into sleep with her hand on my hair and her voice gentle on my ears and my mind.

At some time Shaun came. I had woken, feeling hot and restless but clearer in my mind than I have for a long time. For ages he just stood and looked at me and I looked back. He has a nice face, not the most handsome I have seen but it shows that he is a kind man. His hair is messy, too long and needing a good cut. He runs his hands through it all the time, making it stand out around his head. It makes me smile.

“What are you smiling about?”

“Your hair.”

“What about my hair?” He runs his hands through it again, and my smile deepens

“I like it.”

“You do?” Now he is smiling too. He has a nice smile. It changes his face completely. Now he is handsome.

“I like your smile too.”

“Well.... lucky me. You seem..... different tonight.”

I sit up, hugging my knees and he sits on the bed. “I remembered.”

“Remembered what?”

“That I’m in a lot of trouble.” I laugh but it is not mirthful and Shaun looks at me with the strangest look on his face.

“Do you trust me Daniel?”

What can I say? What does he expect me to say? “No. I don’t trust anyone.”

“Well.... I can’t say I blame you. But I wish you would understand that I mean you no harm. We want to help you... we will help you, in any way we can.”

I believe that he is genuine in what he says but I also believe that his hands are tied with bonds that are not breakable by me. Tomorrow he will deliver me into their hands although he will do his best to put together whatever pieces are left afterwards.

“I know you will.”

“Is there any way that we can contact your friends? Do you remember anything that can help us find Annie... and Adam?”

“No. I remember some things... things that we have done together, places we have been, things we have done, things they have said to me, faces.... well Annie’s face and others.... in the background. But there is nothing that can tell me who they are or where they are.”

“If you do then let us know and we will do our best to find them. Do you have any other names? Surnames? Occupations? Anything that can help us look?”

I shake my head but I am not quite telling the truth. I do remember things that can help them but I don’t want them to know... not yet.

“Ben didn’t give you your meds did he?”

I can’t help but smile. “Can you tell? If I remember, which I think I do, you didn’t give me what I should have had this morning either.”

Shaun looks uncomfortable but smiles. “You’re very different without the drugs.”

“You ain’t seen nothing yet. I’m still very.... confused... out of step.... I still don’t remember and I still feel like I have been beaten up.”

“In a way I suppose you have been.”

“In a way. Do you think that.....”

“What?”

“I don’t know. I was just wondering if... you know in a different situation... whether we might have been friends.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know you Daniel. I don’t know you at all.”

I meet his eyes and there is something indefinable there. I wonder if the same look is in mine. “I know. But you could.”

For a moment he holds my gaze, and the look in his eyes is..... complex, then he shakes his head and closes down completely. “Don’t Daniel.... I know that you are in a very.... difficult position and you have to protect yourself in any way you can... but this.... is not the way. I am already on your side. I will help you in any way I can... but don’t play with me.”

I narrow my eyes and then smile. “I wasn’t. Don’t think that I am as vulnerable as I seem. I have my own ways of helping myself now that I remember how to use them, and they don’t include seducing my captors to secure my freedom.”

“I am not your captor.”

“Are you not? So I can get up and walk out of here right now if I want to?”

“Alright.... I take your point. You really are a different person aren’t you?”

“You have no idea. I’m not Daniel at all.” That makes me smile but, of course, he misses the irony.

“No, I don’t... clearly. I know you even less than I thought I did.”

“No.... not really. You know how I truly am.... with all the layers stripped away, all the barriers down. In that way I suppose you.... all of you... know me better than anyone.”

Shaun frowns and shakes his head but he is smiling.

“Know what? I really could do with a cigarette right now.”

“Do you smoke?”

“I’ve been known to.”

“It’s a filthy habit. Very bad for your health.”

“I agree.”

“And it’s probably illegal in here, this being kind of a public building.”

“Possibly.”

“And I really shouldn’t encourage you.... as you haven’t so far.”

“Noted... so are you going to roll me one or not?”

There is something peculiarly intimate about sharing a cigarette with someone. The smoke burns my chest and the taste is vile after so long... but the hit has me buzzing and the act of sharing itself makes me feel more relaxed and comfortable.

Shaun is watching me, a thoughtful expression on his face and I smile.... but only on the inside. It is never a bad thing to have the people who have control over you on your side and I think he is.... Lily too....maybe even Ben. Tomorrow we will see.... for now I am enjoying the feeling of companionship. It has been hard, being so alone. That emptiness has pervaded everything I have thought and felt since this whole thing began and I never even realised it until now.

“What?”

“Huh?”

“You were staring at me.... what are you thinking?”

“You wouldn’t want to know.”

“I might.”

“Daniel.... I told you not to do that.”

I grin... it is funny... so funny. He thinks he would be unprofessional, to take advantage of my vulnerable position and confusion. Little does he know that I am less confused than I have been for a very long time, and vulnerable? He has NO idea, not yet.

“Don’t worry. I won’t let you take advantage of me.” I am blatantly flirting with him now, dropping my head and looking up at him through my hair. He knows it and it is making him uncomfortable.

“Daniel.... if you don’t stop...”

“What? You’ll run away...fine... you can only run so far. Can you honestly tell me that you haven’t wondered, not even for a moment, what it would be like to kiss me?”

He gets to his feet, his face dark and troubled. “That’s it. This conversation is over. Don’t go there Daniel. I can be your friend, if you let me. Nothing more.”

“Fair enough. I promise that Daniel won’t flirt with you any more.” He gives me an odd look but again he misses the true irony. “There is something you should know though.”

“And what might that be?”

“I’m gay.”

He looks .... unconvinced....disappointed? “And when did you come to that conclusion?”

“I think probably when I was thirteen and I kissed Mark Thomas at a party. Although it might have been when I had sex with my first boyfriend.....or my second...hmmm. It certainly wasn’t in the last ten minutes if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Fuck. You really are different aren’t you?”

“Not really... just more.... focussed.”

“So Annie isn’t your girlfriend then.... Is Adam.....”

I start to laugh.... there is almost a hysterical edge to it.... “Adam? My boyfriend? No.... oh no, no, no, no, no.”

“What’s so funny?”

“You’ll see. Tomorrow I will tell you all about Adam... if I remember.”

He winces like I hit him and gives me a dark look before he turns and walks away.

Then I sleep and in my dreams I remember, I remember everything, a whole life unfolding in a few short hours and when I wake I am so confused, more confused than ever... and the pain doesn’t help. In fact maybe that’s the problem.... the pain.

Okay.... I know how to deal with this.... I remember now... I know... so all I have to do is get past the pain and .... do it. The hardest part is to relax. My body is shaking and my focus is all over the place... this is going to be harder than I thought. I try the breathing exercises... well a version of them that I learned in meditation classes. I slow my heart, find my centre and pull in my focus. The shaking stops, the pain stops.... I almost stop... too far.

Taking a deep breath I reach for something, searching, hoping that what I am looking for is there, that Annie is looking for me as I am looking for her. I find something, a pinpoint of light in a world of darkness and suddenly it explodes.