The Game - 9. Chapter 9

The professor was right. The drugs have begun to lose their grip, or at least I am getting used to the way they make me feel and to compensate for them. I have no idea how long I have been here, I am still pretty hazy about where ‘here’ is, but I am beginning to make the connection between what is me and what is going on around me. I am beginning to understand.

There are four others here. They are never here together, they take it in turns. They say they are here to take care of me but I think they are here to watch me, although that may have something to do with the paranoia they say that I have. I like Shaun and Lily the best, they make me laugh. Alex and Ben are okay but they treat me like I am five years old sometimes. Okay, there are times when I feel like I am a child, when I am confused and afraid and detached from everything and I have to be told what to do but I am not a child.

As I have become more aware of what is going on I have taken more of a part in the daily life of the house. I have my chores and I carry them out diligently... mostly. Sometimes I forget....well I often forget... and sometimes I just can’t find the energy. Most of them are understanding because they know that I do what I can but Ben gets angry with me when I forget and it is getting harder and harder not to respond angrily.

I am not allowed to use the computer and it frustrates me no end. I don’t know what they think I am going to do with it. I am good with computers. I don’t know how I know I am but I do. Sometimes they go off to do something and leave it on. The temptation to just sit and let my fingers take me where they will, is strong but there is something that holds me back and I have learned to listen to that silent voice.

There is a time, about four in the morning when I am about as close as I get to being free of the effects of the drugs and able to think. Strangely that is the time when I get as close as I ever do to remembering things. Shaun has been teaching me exercises for calming and centering myself and opening my mind to memories. They are not working very well yet but this morning as I lie in the dark and let my mind relax I feel something tugging at the edges of my consciousness, a feeling of unease.

There has been a tiny voice locked away in the corner of my mind the whole time I have been here, the whole time I have been aware. It whispers to me sometimes, warns me that there are things I shouldn’t say, things I shouldn’t reveal. This morning it is whispering urgently but I can’t understand what it is saying. It has something to do with not letting anyone know that I am getting clearer, that it is not safe to reveal to anyone that I am getting close to memories. Am I?

There is a sharp pain in my head. I almost groan aloud but bite my lip. Why does it hurt when I get close to remembering? It seems as though there is something in my head that opens up and it hurts like hell. I’m almost sure that is not supposed to happen, but I am not going to talk to anyone about it.

I gasp as something lances into my mind like an arrow, making sparks appear behind my closed eyes. This time I can’t help but groan aloud. Through the pain a thought drops into my mind. Annie’s looking for me. Annie? Who’s Annie? I am swept with a wave of something that feels like excitement and it seems that I am surrounded by faces, all looking at me, all expecting something from me and I.... I.... can .... I can..... Aw!!! It hurts too much. I can’t hold on to the thought... the memory.

Breathing deeply, as Shaun has taught me I let my mind relax, releasing the images, the feelings, the burning desire to push, to press, to hold on at all costs. I have a headache now, it is throbbing behind my eyes, at my temples. It is hard to ignore. I am about to give up when something floats up through the soup and a face pops into my head. It is a girl. She is very pretty, she is smiling at me. I follow the face back and there she is, holding my hand, leading me through a meadow towards a river where there is a picnic laid out on the banks.

I remember that day. It was so peaceful, away from the... from the.... away from everything. Annie is like a cool flannel on a fevered brow, she eases my mind, she makes me laugh, she makes everything alright. That day there was a haze over the water and fireflies buzzing around us as we ate and drank champagne and played in the grass and the water like children. That was a good day.

I am panting as though I have been running. I am bathed in sweat and shaking. But I remembered. I remembered a whole day, and I remembered Annie. Is she my girlfriend? Where is she now? Is she looking for me? Is she worried about me? No. It doesn’t feel right? The memory of that day was full of fun, not romance. For some reason the thought that Annie might be my girlfriend feels all wrong... too wrong. Is she my sister?

Nausea sweeps through me and I gag. It is a struggle to keep my stomach in the right place. My headache is worse and I can’t follow that thought any further. It is pleasant to lie and remember the warmth of the sun on my face, the sharp tang of champagne on my tongue the joy of companionship in my heart, the hand in my hand.... I fall asleep to the sound of water rippling.

I am shaken roughly awake at eight o clock by Ben who slams my meds and the glass of water down on the table so hard the water splashes over the table, over the notebook I keep there, where I am supposed to write down any memories that surface, it is noticeably empty. The headache is still there and I squint at him.

“Get you’re arse down stairs pretty boy. It’s your turn to make breakfast and the Proff is coming to see you later, so don’t take your time.”

He is standing with his hands on his hips and staring at me as if he expects something of me. I am confused... nothing new there.

“Well, get on with it.”

“With what?”

“Take your meds. You know I am not allowed to leave until I see you do it.”

“Do I?”

“Well you do now. Get on with it.”

Surprised by his aggressive manner I sit up and pick up the pills. My fingers are stiff and I drop one. Ben tutts in exasperation. “Well.....”

“Well what?”

“Well get it. Come on, I don’t have all day. I have paperwork to do and Alex won’t be here until after lunch.”

My head is pounding and I am getting annoyed with the attitude. I am half inclined to refuse. If there is only Ben what is he going to do if I refuse to get up? He must see the flash of rebellion in my face and shakes his head.

“Don’t start. Take your fucking pills and get the hell out of bed.”

I literally bite my lip as I slide out of bed and rummage on the floor for the lost pill. Fortunately I find it very quickly because I don’t think I can hold my temper if he keeps on at me. The headache is making me irritable and no one here has seen my temper yet. It is rarely loosed but when it is.... I stop and freeze, the pain in my head paralysing me. I remember what I’m like when I lose my temper... but I don’t remember a time when I have.

“Alright, alright.... get on with it.”

Struggling with a pain I am not about to admit to I throw the pills into my mouth and almost choke on the water. With an irritated sigh he turns and stalks out. It is such a relief to be on my own. I sit down on the floor and take my head in my hands. Slowly the pain recedes to a level where I can get to my feet and stumble to the bathroom. I get in the shower and the caress of the water has never felt so good.

Gradually my aching head eases, the tension in my body releasing. I lose all track of time and I am genuinely shocked when Ben storms into the bathroom and flings open the door of the shower, throwing a towel at me.

“Get the hell out of there. I told you to hurry up. I am busy today and you have to get breakfast out of the way before the Proff comes.”

“If you’re so eager to get it done, do it yourself.”

He stares at me. I have never spoken like that to any of them before, maybe I should do it more often. He stares.

“Just don’t be long.”

He turns on his heel and slams the door behind him. For some reason the exchange makes me smile. I hum as I clean my teeth. I have never seen the face in the mirror look so relaxed and happy.