The Game - 6. Chapter 6

I don’t remember the journey from the hospital. There are brief flashes, images of being roused from sleep by strangers, stumbling through unfamiliar corridors and into a car. I must have slept for most of the journey for the next image is of a house, an ordinary terraced house in an ordinary street. The light was very bright and hurt my eyes and I was led inside barely aware, and then I slept; for a long time I slept.

And now I am awake, somewhat. My eyes are heavy and hard to keep open but there is some cohesion to my thoughts, some awareness, but not much motivation. I am in bed. It’s a pleasant room. The sun streaming through the window is pale, new. I have slept through a whole day and night and now it is morning again.

There is a scent of pine. The bed, wardrobe and drawers are made of it and it fills my senses, even though it is faint. The touch of cool cotton under by back and cheek is blissful and the softness of the feather quilt tucked around me is almost too much to bear. I have to close my eyes because the light hurts but my senses are still assailed by the simple sensations that surround me. I have no desire to move, no drive to experience anything above what I am already immersed in. I have no curiosity about where I am, no need to explore my surroundings. I am still tired, my head filled with sleep.

Someone opens the door but I am not interested enough to raise my head to see who it is. Steps move around the bed and a figure appears in my line of sight. It is a young man. He looks nice, friendly, he smiles at me. He puts something on the table next to the bed and crouches down, bringing his eyes level with mine.

“Good morning Daniel. My name is Shaun and I am here to help you in any way you need me. You’re our only guest at the moment so I’m all yours. Don’t be afraid to ask for anything you need. It’s eight o’clock and time to get up. Do you think you manage on your own?”

What a stupid question. Of course I can manage on my own. Why is he talking to me like I’m a child? For a moment I think about asking him but I can’t find the energy. Instead I just nod my head.

“Alright then I’ll leave you to it. I need to make sure you take your medication first though, so if you’ll just sit up....”

I nod again but I don’t make any move to sit up. I know what he wants. I understand his words and I know what they mean, what they expect of me but... somehow I can’t seem to get my body to understand what I expect of it. It is too hard.

I close my eyes and start to drift again, until Shaun shakes me awake. “Come on Daniel. It’s a beautiful day. You can sit in the garden in the sun. You could do with some fresh air. You’re too pale. Come on mate.”

He hauls me upright and for a moment I just sag against him but then my body gets the message and catches up with my brain. I sit up and he takes my hands. He puts a glass in one hand and two blue pills in the other. I look at them and wonder what I am expected to do with them. Before he has to tell my I make the connections and put the pills in my mouth. They are bitter and I am glad to swallow the water to clear the taste.

“Yeah, not too pleasant eh? The bathroom is along the landing. As I said you’re our only guest at the moment so you don’t have to queue. Feel free to shower.”

I am surprised when he leaves me alone. I want to lie down again. My head aches and my eyes feel like someone has thrown sand in them. But I know he is waiting for me and if I don’t go downstairs he will come and get me and I don’t want that, besides, the thought of a shower appeals.

An investigation of the drawers reveals a selection of clothes that look as though they may be my size, strangely I hadn’t even thought of that, clothes I mean. Seems I have got used to being naked.

I grab the first clothes I can find and head for the bathroom. It doesn’t occur to me that I might meet someone who could object to my nakedness. Luckily I don’t.

I get straight in the shower and it feels sooooo good. I let the water run over my body and I can practically feel the muscles relax one by one. When I start to rub shampoo into my hair the sensation is so good I can’t stop. My hair is in a terrible state, it is stiff and tangled. Clearly I didn’t wash it when I was in the hospital, and no one else thought to. It takes some time and painful finger combing to get it feeling anything like normal. The conditioner smells of coconut and I inhale deeply sniffing my fingers and then burying them again in the mass of my hair which seems to be much longer than I had thought before.

Time seems to have slowed down because it doesn’t feel as though I have been here for long but Shaun is already banging on the door to ask if I am alright. I don’t really know if I am, but I get out of the shower and wrap a towel round my waist to open the door.

“Hey. You look better, cleaner anyway. Lily has breakfast cooking so get down here as fast as you can or I’ll eat all the bacon.”

I look at him and I am puzzled. Does it matter if he eats the bacon? Is it something I should be striving for?

Catching my look he smiles and says gently. “Don’t worry about it. Just come down to the kitchen as soon as you can okay?”

“Okay.”

“By the way there is a new toothbrush in a pack by the sink. You can use the general toothpaste.”

Strange, but as soon as he mentions toothpaste I am suddenly very aware that my mouth feels awful, slimy and sticky, and tastes worse. There is nothing the world I want to do more than clean my teeth. For a while I am kept busy freeing the toothbrush and squeezing toothpaste out of an almost empty tube and then I lift my head, the brush poised.... and see myself in the mirror for the first time.

To say that I am shocked would be to wholly minimise the traumatic effect that the first glimpse of my face has on me. It is entirely unfamiliar to me. I do not know the person who is looking back at me from the mirror. More than that... it is.... it is....

Wide eyes stare out of a pale oval face. They are startlingly green, fringed with thick black lashes. My hair, already drying, is fine and sleek, and it is.... it is.... pink.... well some of it... the rest is black and purple and blue. It is clear that I had piercings in my eyebrow, nose and lip but they have been removed. I run my tongue over the inside of my lip and I can feel where the ring used to go.... and suddenly I remember how it feels to hold it between my teeth. I had a habit of doing that. It drove.... someone... someone said it drove them nuts to hear me tapping it.

Suddenly I feel dizzy and have to grip the sink to stop myself from falling. I remember. But it is fleeting and it is all I remember. I don’t remember the face. I don’t remember the hair. I don’t remember the person who is looking at me and, more than that it confuses the hell out of me.

I touch my face and am surprised that the image in the mirror does the same. Can it really be me? It is... it is... I blink and the image blinks too, the glassy green eyes look confused . I touch my face again, touch the smooth soft skin, watch the image in the mirror do the same. But... it can’t be me. It can’t be... because the face in the mirror is surely the face of a woman and I am.... I am... not.... am.... am I?

They call me Daniel. I am suddenly overwhelmed with confusion. The face on the wall mirrors it. The world spins and I close my eyes. Am I woman? I am frozen with the enormity of it, of the shock, of the concept, of the dilemma. I make myself calm down and it is easy enough to check out my body and confirm that I am most certainly not a woman.

I look up at the face in the mirror again. It startles me still, but it no longer scares me. If that is who I am then that is who I am and there’s nothing I can do about it. But who the hell am I? Not someone who is afraid of making a statement, that’s for sure. What is it I am trying to say?

“Daniel! Come on mate, we’re waiting for you.”

The voice breaks the spell and I brush my teeth vigorously watching the stranger in the mirror do the same. It is a strange sensation, to look at a stranger and know that it’s you. It makes me feel strange, disoriented. Or is that the medication kicking in.

I throw down the toothbrush and turn away from the mirror. It is making my head hurt to look at myself. I open the door.... and find myself staring into a pair of startled pale blue eyes. The woman stares at me for a moment then drops her head and hides behind a curtain of yellow hair. It doesn’t occur to me to wonder who she is, or whether she might be embarrassed by the fact that I am wearing only a towel or.... anything really. I just watch her with interest to see what she does next.

What she does is compose herself and look up with a smile. “Hello. I’m Lily. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Hello.” The word sounds strange when I say it, hollow. It seems to echo in my head. “I..... I’m.... I’m.... Daniel?” It doesn’t sound right. When I say it, it just doesn’t sound right. But.... if not Daniel, then who?

“You don’t sound very sure.”

“I....I’m.... not.”

“That’s okay. You will be. Until then Daniel’s a nice name. It suits you.”

“It does?”

“Yes... it does.”

“Why?”

“Because, in the bible Daniel was someone who had to face something that was, in a way similar to what you are facing now. He had to face something dangerous and scary and huge. In his case it was a lion, in yours a great empty space where your memories should be. It’s as big and as scary as any lion.”

“Did it eat him?”

“The lion? No, it didn’t. He tamed it.”

“I’m glad he didn’t kill it.”

“Are you? Why?”

“Because it wasn’t the lion’s fault. It was hungry.”

The woman smiles and nods. “I’m sure it was, and it is always a good thing when situations can be resolved without violence, but that is not what I have come to talk to you about today. I have come to make sure you are okay and to tell you that Shaun is getting very impatient for his breakfast. So can you manage to get dressed or do you need some help?”

“No. I can manage. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course. Anything.”

“Why do I look like a woman?”

“What?”

“I looked in the mirror and I saw.... a face I don’t know. I think.... I.... I know.... I am a man, but.....”

The woman smiles broadly. “Yes, Daniel, you are definitely a man. You don’t have to doubt that.” She reaches out her hand and touches my hair. It feels good, that touch, as if.... as if it makes me.... real. “The face that looks back at you from the mirror is not the face of a woman, just of a very beautiful young man.”

“Beautiful? You think I’m beautiful?”

“Yes Daniel. By anyone’s standard or definition of the word, you most certainly are. Now, could you please get your beautiful ass back in the bathroom, put some jeans on it and get it downstairs before Shaun starves to death, or drives me insane insisting he is about to.”

“Yes.”

I am sidetracked by the mirror again. Lily is right. It isn’t a woman’s face, not now I know. Am I beautiful? Do I care? No.

It feels good to have clothes on. They don’t fit me as well as I had thought they would. The jeans are too short and too big around the waist. I have to pull the belt tight to stop them from slipping down over my hips. The Tshirt fits better although it is a little tight across the shoulders and the sleeves are too short. I push them up to my elbows to cover the fact and notice the bruises on my arms. There are many of them.

I shiver as a memory stabs me. Nothing cohesive, just flashes..... someone holding me, a hand over my mouth, a sharp pain in my arm..... lights shining in my eyes as I lie on my back unable to move with someone standing over me, a black shadow in front of the lights.... voices whispering, whispering in my head and always, always the feeling of being not myself, being dragged out of my body by the needles in my arms.

That doesn’t make sense even to me. I pull the sleeves back down again and walk down the stairs. This is not as easy as it sounds. It seems to be a long way down. I have to hold on tightly to the rail or I would not have the courage to take the first step