The Game - 13. Chapter 13

I am completely disoriented. Where am I? I am lying down, curled up and wrapped in a quilt but this is not my bed. It is not any bed because there is something soft in front of my face. I reach out my hand to touch it. It is soft but only to a point. It smells familiar.... leather. I feel strange, hot and feverish and it feels good to press my face against the cool leather. I don’t question any further. I don’t need to know where I am. I am comfortable and it is dim and cool and I am safe.

“Hey sleepyhead. Time to get up.”

The voice startles me. I didn’t hear anyone come in. It is hard to let go of the soft safe place and turn around. The face is familiar. It is smiling at me and it is familiar but it takes a few moments to put a name to it.

“Shaun.”

“That’s right, my friend. I have coffee and bacon in the kitchen, and a new person to introduce you to. You up for it?”

Am I? How would I know? I shrug and close my eyes stretching. It feels so good. With a sigh I sit up. At first I feel dizzy but it passes.

“I’m tired.”

“I’m not surprised. You didn’t sleep too well last night.”

“Didn’t I?”

“Do you remember what happened?”

“What happened? When?”

“You had a bad time in the night. I think perhaps you were dreaming. Do you remember what you were dreaming about?”

I close my eyes and pictures flicker on the lids. The move very fast and I can’t quite make sense of any of them. There are odd flashes here and there that tug at my memory but there is nothing I can put into words. The only thing that comes to mind are names and, for some reason it is important I don’t say them.

With the realisation that I shouldn’t speak the names come fear... blind panic slamming into me with the force of a hammer. I have to tell. I have to speak but I can’t. I mustn’t. I have to but if I do all is lost.

“I mustn’t let it get this far. I have to tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“I can’t. I don’t..... don’t.... can’t..... I .... I” I am fighting now, fighting with myself. My mind is torn in two. Part of it... the part with the voice that whispers danger and caution telling my that I must not tell them what I am remembering; the other, the one that is hurting me, is screaming at me to speak, to tell them, to tell them everything. “I mustn’t let it get this far. I mustn’t.... mustn’t....”

My body jerks as though I am catching myself falling and I open my eyes. Shaun looks concerned, but I don’t think I can trust him... I can’t trust anyone. It’s too important, too close to.... to... too close to... to the end.

“Take it easy Daniel. It’s alright. Don’t force it. When the time is right it will come, and it’s completely up to you if you want to tell anyone or not. We are here to help you not make demands on you.”

“Really? I.... I don’t have to....”

“Of course you don’t.”

I am even more confused. Is it true? Do I really not have to say? But he said...

“But he said.... he said I have to... I have to tell what I remember.”

“Who said that?”

I think about it. I remember someone saying it someone... someone.... I remember .... remember... pain. I shake my head.

“I don’t know. He hurt me.”

“Yes... you have been hurt haven’t you? Don’t worry Daniel. I won’t hurt you. You can trust me.” I shake my head. I can’t help it. It just happened, and now I am afraid. I shouldn’t have done that. Shaun smiles. He has a beautiful smile. It lights up his face and I can’t help but mirror it. There is something about his eyes that makes me feel.... safe. “It’s alright. You don’t have to be afraid of being honest with me and you don’t have to trust me. I’m your friend Daniel.”

My friend? No... none of them are my friends, not in any way. But I am in their hands, I am helpless, what can I do? I smile and nod. Shaun looks pleased.

“I’m sorry to have to do this to you mate, but we have our instructions and I won’t be doing you any favours by cutting you off, for so many reasons. I have to give you your meds. Do you understand?”

“No.”

I have no idea what he is talking about, why he looks so serious about it. I am curious and watch as he opens a black box and takes out the syringe and the bottle. Then I understand. Not my friend then.... not my friend at all. But I am not ready to fight, not yet, and so I watch impassive as he draws up the syringe. He looks at me and frowns. I don’t know what he is frowning for. I look at him and wait, patiently, wondering what is happening, why he is looking at me, what he is going to do to me.

“Daniel, don’t look at me like that.”

“I... I’m sorry?” I don’t stop because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t understand why it is wrong.

Shaun crouches down. “Oh Daniel, don’t be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m the one who should be sorry. I should have the courage to question, but I don’t. “ He touches my face, brushing the hair aside. There is something in the touch that makes me feel strange. “You are beautiful Daniel, never doubt it, beautiful in every way. You are light and air and I hate the thought of that being quenched. I will do my best for you.”

The look on his face, in his eyes, is soft and his touch is gentle. I can’t help but smile and I feel so good. There is something stirring inside me, a feeling I have not felt for a long time... “Friend.”

“I will try to be.”

I close my eyes and turn my face towards his hand feeling.... almost content. He snatches his hand away startling me and I open my eyes wide.

“Don’t do that Daniel. You don’t know what you’re doing.” I am confused. I wasn’t doing anything. I was just.... just.... wanting to feel.... safe. He must see the puzzlement in my face because he smiles his warm sweet smile. “Don’t worry. It’s alright. You’re not doing anything wrong.” I am even more puzzled, I hadn’t thought for a moment that I was doing anything wrong.

“I have to go but I will be back tonight. In the meantime I have to give you meds... I wouldn’t be doing you any favours not to.”

“Okay.” I know the drill... I hold out my arm and he takes it gently in strong fingers. He pushes up my sleeve and winces at the sight of all the bruises and scars. I am used to it now, it doesn’t even register. He looks up into my eyes and I smile again, I can’t help it. His eyes are blue. Something cold sprays my arm with a soft mist. Isn’t he supposed to do that after he sticks the needle in?

“You’re spilling it.”

“It’s alright, there was too much in there, way too much. Just relax.”

“Everyone says that.”

“Yeah, I suppose they do.” I close my eyes and lean back my head. I am still tired, even more tired. He is gentle. It often hurts when the needle goes in but he doesn’t hurt me. A thought flickers through my mind that he would never hurt me, but I don’t trust it. I don’t trust anything, anyone. Is that paranoia... or self preservation? I smile. I don’t really know why but it suddenly strikes me as really funny... the whole thing, the situation, the way I feel, the confusion, the now knowing who I can trust even myself... it’s all....funny.

“What are you laughing about?”

I shake my head. I know he won’t understand the irony. Hell, I don’t understand it. I am standing...well, sitting, on the edge of .... something.... something big, huge, incredible.... something he has no concept of and.... and afterwards it will all be.... different. And now I am helpless and completely reliant on him... and after I will... I will be... be.... different. And it is funny.

“I’m... glad you’re happy.”

“Happy?” That is even funnier. Happy? How could he possibly think for one moment that I could be happy? I am.... I am... “I am not happy. I am .... afraid. I remember that. I remember what it is like to be happy and this isn’t it. I don’t.... want.... I don’t want to... to..” I am swamped with the fear, suddenly, dizzyingly, suffocatingly. “I am afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“I don’t know. I.... I....” I feel like I am drowning, struggling to keep my head up, to stop myself from being swept away by the fear.

“Daniel, be calm. It’s alright. It’s not real, that feeling, that fear. It’s just the drugs. They are magnifying everything. Everything you feel is being distorted. Do you remember the breathing exercises I taught you? Do them now. Breathe in for three, hold for three, out for three, rest for three. Concentrate on the counting, on the breathing. Keep going.”

I am not concentrating on the breathing, or the counting, I am concentrating on him, his words, his face, the way his lips form the words. I am... interested in it, in him. I am interested in the touch of his hand on my shoulder. I look into his eyes but now I don’t really remember why.

“I’m tired.”

“Yeah... I know.” He sounds sad. Why would he be sad about me being tired? “Are you up to some coffee and a bacon sandwich?”

“I don’t know.”

“Come on, give it a go.”

There is a woman in the kitchen. I don’t know her. She looks up and smiles.... and the smile freezes on her face. She looks shocked. I wonder why. There is someone else there too standing at the sink. I look up and .... and.... “No...” I take a step back. I know him, I remember... his face above me, holding me down. “No...”

“Don’t be silly Daniel. This is Ben, you know Ben. He takes care of you. Come on, sit down.”

“No. I.... I....”

I can see it in his eyes. I can see that he knows, that he knows I know. He can’t look at me.

“Daniel... sit down.”

“So you are Daniel. I have been hearing a lot about you.”

The woman is speaking but I can’t take my eyes off Ben. He looks at me at last and he is angry with me. Shaking his head in annoyance he storms out of the kitchen. I am afraid again. Where is he going? Are they coming for me?

“Daniel.....”

I realise that Shaun has been speaking to me, is looking at me as though he is waiting for me to say something. I have no idea what he said. I have no idea what I am supposed to say, and so I say nothing.

The woman puts a hot mug in my hand and I take it automatically rising it to my lips. The coffee smells good and tastes better.

“There you go. Feel better now?”

I shake my head. Feel better? No... I feel... I feel... vulnerable.... threatened. Where has he gone? When is he coming back? Who will he bring? I want to ask. I want to ask Shaun to help me... but I can’t... I mustn’t... I mustn’t tell them I know.

It is hard to think. My head hurts and I carefully put down the mug so that I can press the heels of my hands into my eyes. It doesn’t make any difference. I know that the pain won’t go away. It is almost always there, and it makes it hard to think, hard to speak, hard to care.

“Why don’t you go Shaun? You’re back in tonight, you need to get some rest.”

Shaun ... go? “No. Don’t go.”

“It’s alright Daniel. I’ll look after you.”

“Don’t go.” I don’t trust him... I can’t but he is the closest thing I have to a friend here. I believe him when he says he wants to help me. This woman is not the one who ... who.... reminds me of.... of... a friend, she doesn’t care, she won’t protect me. “Please.”

“I’m sorry Daniel. I have things to do. I have to go, but I will be back later. I promise.” I want to scream at him, to beg, to tell him that the other one will hurt me, that he has hurt me... that he has helped... helped... that he will.... and I can’t.... but I don’t. It is easier to give up, to hold the mug in my hands and stare at the curls of smoke that rise from the surface and not think.... not care.

I don’t look up when Shaun says goodbye, what’s the point? He can’t protect me if he isn’t here. Protect me from what? Not from her... she looks harmless.

“Okay Daniel, what do you want to do today?”

“Do?”

“Do you want to go and sit in the garden? It’s a bit cold today. Or do you want to play a game, or watch television? I understand you have been doing some work with Shaun but you don’t really seem up to that today. What about cooking?”

“Cooking?”

“Yeah. Do you know how to make cakes?”

“I don’t know.”

“Of course not. Shall we see?”

I half close my eyes and think about it. Something tickles my mind, a brief flash of memory. Flour flying everywhere, settling in her hair, on her nose. “Come on superstar, you can do better than that, you missed a bit.”

“Annie.”

“Who’s Annie?” She is speaking very carefully as though she is anxious about disturbing my line of thought.

“We made cake. Couldn’t eat it.... too hard. It was fun.”

“Good. So do you want to do that with me today?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“Do you remember anything else you did with Annie?”

“We....listened to music. She liked my music. She liked me to sing.”

“Do you like to sing?”

I think about it and smile. “I love to sing.”

“Maybe we can do that later. Maybe we can put on some music and have a singsong.”

“Yes.”

“Okay, well, before that, what about ..... what about making some popcorn and watching a film?”

It was easier to nod and watch her bustling about finding popcorn and putting it in the microwave. She melted butter and poured it over the popcorn and it was the best thing I have ever tasted. I smile at her and she grins back.

“I knew you’d like it. I could just tell.” Then she frowns, staring at me. There is a strange look on her face and it makes me feel strange. Why is she looking at me like that? “I don’t know what it is Daniel but I have the strangest feeling that I know you. I am sure I have seen you somewhere before.”

She looks as though she expects me to say something but what can I say? That I remember her.... even if I had known her all my life I wouldn’t remember her, not now. She seems to pick up my line of thought because she smiles and the strangeness vanishes.

“What film do you fancy? Something exciting, or romantic, or scary?”

“Something quiet.”

“Quiet? Do you have a headache?”

Do I? I always have a headache and it is much worse when I get my meds. I could tell her that. It would be safe to tell her that but I don’t have the energy so I just nod.

“Okay, something quiet then, and we can keep the curtains closed so it will be nice and dark... just like going to the cinema.”