The Art of Being Gay - 3. Battle of the Sexes

Battle of the Sexes

Chad watched as the stream of cars passed them by. His despair from earlier had been replaced by anxiety. His boss’ reaction to his little meltdown wasn’t what he expected. Instead of being sent home or fired, the guy was taking him somewhere and he didn’t have a clue where that was.

After a couple more turns, Chad couldn’t stay silent any longer. “Where are we going?”

“We’re almost there,” the red haired man said without taking his eyes from the road. “This is a little something I do when I’m stressed out. It helps. Trust me.”

After a few more minutes, Roy turned down a street with a park and stopped the car next to a park. There were kids swinging, climbing the monkey bars, and parents sitting around on benches watching. As Chad got out of the car he could hear the squeals and laughter coming from the playground. What a strange place to take me, he thought looking around.

Chad looked over and saw Roy digging around in his back seat. The man backed out and started handing him something across the roof of the car. It was a tennis racket in a plastic case.

“We’re playing tennis?” Chad asked in surprise.

“Not really,” Roy said, grinning at him. “We’re gonna bat the ball around a little, just volley it back and forth. It’ll get your mind off things.”

Chad shrugged and trotted around the car following his boss, who was heading for a copse of trees across the street. Roy disappeared down a path between a small gap in the bushes. Chad wasn’t sure what else he could do but follow.

When he emerged from the grove, he saw a double tennis court bathed in afternoon light. There were cracks in the concrete with little weeds growing up. It was surrounded by a tall chain link fence. No one else was around.

“You take that side,” Roy pointed with the racket to the south side of the court. “You can play right?”

“I guess,” Chad said hesitantly. “I played a little in gym.”

“Good enough,” Roy smiled at him and bounced a ball waiting for the other man to get in place.

Chad assumed a wide stance and leaned over waiting for the serve. The other man lightly batted it over the net. Chad swung and hit the ball into the net. “Sorry,” he said immediately. A feeling of hopelessness bubbled up from inside. It was a foreign feeling for Chad but one that as of late happened more and more often.

“No worries,” Roy said tossing another ball up and gently bopping it across the net. This time Chad hit the ball squarely and it sailed over the net. The red headed man easily returned it and Chad missed it.

“I’m really not much of a player,” Chad said running after the ball.

“Neither am I,” Roy said. “We’re just playing around.”

Chad took the ball and served it back to the other man. It went high with a big bounce and Chad expected Roy to smash it across fast and hard. Instead, the man carefully hit the ball directly to Chad. Chad returned it and Roy tried to back-pedal and swat it back. He promptly fell on his butt.

“Are you okay?” Chad asked nervously. Roy bounced up on his feet and brushed his rear off.

“I’m fine. When you’ve got a fat ass like mine, you have plenty of cushion.”

Chad wouldn’t call his boss’ ass fat. It was actually quite shapely as was the rest of the man. He didn’t say anything though. He waited for Roy to serve again.

Chad suddenly remembered why they were here. He’d already forgotten his episode at the store for a few minutes and it had felt good. Now, three little words began to echo in his head, the fairy’s son. They were faint but persistent. He missed the next serve.

Chad looked up at Roy who was still smiling from ear to ear. “You’re doing fine. Keep your eye on the ball.”

Chad served the ball back and they volleyed several times across the net until the words intruded again and Chad tripped trying to swat the ball back. The words, the fairy’s son ricocheted and pierced the walls of his heart. He wiped the sweat from his brow and couldn’t look up.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Roy asked from the other side.

“Not right now,” Chad answered. He saw Roy’s face briefly turn sour. Chad knew if he said anything right now he’d start crying again. He couldn’t do that, not in front of his boss.

An uncomfortable silence grew as they hit the ball back and forth. Roy looked like he wanted to ask something and Chad tried to avoid looking directly at him.

“Did you know Billie Jean King was one of the first professional athletes to come out of the closet?” Roy asked.

“Um, no,” Chad answered. “I knew she was a lesbian.”

“Yep,” Roy said serving the ball with a grunt. “Her girlfriend sued her for palimony and outed her to the nation.”

Chad didn’t know how to respond to that. It hit a little too close to home.

“Her fucking ex-girlfriend filed papers that told everyone in the world one of the best women tennis players in the world was a dyke,” Roy said looking grim. “Did you know Billie Jean King beat a guy in tennis? It was called the ‘Battle of the Sexes’ and when she handed Bobby Riggs his ass on a platter, everyone freaked out. Then, the woman she loved kicked her right in the ovaries.”

“That must’ve sucked for her,” Chad said after a minute. “I didn’t know that.”

“She won all these titles and world championships and shit and no one remembers that. All they remember is she’s a lesbian. The world is a shitty place,” Roy said.

Chad paused and thought about that. Suddenly his problems seemed small, insignificant in comparison.

“How do you know so much about Billie Jean King?” he asked his boss.

“I read a book called ‘Queeroes’. It’s kind of like ‘Profiles in Courage’ only about gay people,” Roy said. “Let’s take a break.”

Chad stuffed the ball he was about to serve into his pocket. He trotted over to the red haired man who was looking annoyed at the moment.

“Sounds like an interesting book,” Chad said. “My dad is a big fan of JFK. He read that book a dozen times at least.”

“Your dad read ‘Queeroes’?” Roy said with a straight face. “I would never have guessed your father would be so cool about it.”

Chad tried not to laugh thinking of Norm reading a book about gay people, but he couldn’t stop himself. He chuckled out loud at the image of his father’s shocked eyes pouring over a book like that.

“Got you to smile,” Roy said pushing on Chad’s shoulder. Chad winced at the contact. He smiled at Roy though.

“Tell me more about her,” Chad said looking at the other man closely.

“Well, as I said, her ex-girlfriend ratted her out. That didn’t stop Billie Jean from playing tennis. Her endorsements all dumped her. She barely made enough to survive. Regardless, that woman kept plugging away and held her head up high. People made all kinds of stupid jokes about her. She ignored them.”

“Sounds like she’s a brave woman,” Chad said.

“She is,” Roy said. “So what’s your deal?”

Chad stopped moving and looked down. He could feel the flush creep over his cheeks. “Justin got suspended for fighting.”

“Your boy?” Roy asked loudly. “Oh crap on a cracker. That bites. What did he do?”

“I haven’t talked to him but his mother, my ex, said something about him being called ‘the fairy’s son’.”

“You and Justin get along right? I remember you telling me about him at coffee,” Roy said trying to catch Chad’s eye. “He’s a good kid.”

“Justin’s the best. I feel sick that he’s fighting these battles because of me,” Chad murmured. He shuffled his feet and banged the racket against his knee in frustration.

“It’s not your fault,” Roy said softly. He reached over and grabbed Chad’s shoulder. “You didn’t cause this. Someone else, someone small minded and ignorant called him a stupid name. You didn’t make them do that.”

Chad tried pulling away from Roy. His touch was making him uncomfortable, his hand grasping him so firmly.

“I mean it. You weren’t the cause of this,” Roy said loudly in his face.

Chad tried to look away. The hot sting of tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. It wasn’t despair or being upset any longer. He was frustrated, furious at those who tried to hurt his son.

No, he was mad at himself.

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here. I should be home dealing with this,” Chad said through clenched teeth. “What am I doing up here?”

“I don’t know,” Roy said trying to look hopeful. “Why are you here?”

Chad ignored the question. He responded with fury. “Do you know what I did last night? I went to downtown Minneapolis to a gay bar. It was my first time. I sat and had a beer and watched as other gay people mingled around me. I was totally alone. It felt awful.”

“I’m sorry. It’s hard getting to know…” Roy said.

“No!” Chad shouted. “There were these guys sitting at a table. They were talking about some movie and laughing. I joined in and they got snotty with me.”

“Well, if they were having a private conversation?” Roy ventured.

“They asked me over,” Chad said throwing his racket to the ground. “One of the guys asked if I wanted to join them so I did. I didn’t have a clue what they were talking about and sounded like a total moron.”

“That sucks,” Roy said.

“They were quoting a movie, something called, ‘The Women’ and I asked them what something meant. I don’t even remember what it was. This one guy, a really nelly one, asked if I was even a Friend of Dorothy’s. I asked them who Dorothy was. They laughed at me and told me to troll somewhere else.” Chad gasped to catch his breath. “It’s like they were speaking a different language, one I had never heard before. It was humiliating.”

Roy grabbed Chad’s other shoulder and turned to look him square in the eye. “Sounds like a bunch of bitchy queens playing out ‘Mean Girls’. What assholes!”

“This is so stupid,” Chad said. “I don’t know how to be gay. I’ve always had lots of friends. Talking to people has never been a problem until now. The way they laughed at me was embarrassing. I wanted to die.”

“Chad. Being gay is no different than being straight except for having sex with other men. You don’t need to know what some nasty bitches mean when they’re shooting the shit. Trust me; you don’t want to hang with people like them.”

“No one else would talk to me,” Chad said. “I’ve never felt so isolated. At home, I’m ignored. Here, I’m something strange. It’s like I’m on an island by myself. I’ve never been like this before.”

Roy let go of Chad and picked up the racket from the concrete. “Let’s go. I’ll take you home.”

“I’ve even pissed you off,” Chad grumbled.

“No. No, you haven’t. I believe you need a little ‘Pygmalion’ in your life,” Roy said grinning at him broadly.

“A Pig-who?” Chad asked. “More talk I don’t understand.”

“You’ve seen ‘My Fair Lady,’ haven’t you?” Roy said zipping the rackets into their bags.

“Yeah. What of it?”

“I’m Henry Higgins to your Liza Doolittle,” Roy said brightly. “Come on. I’ll drop you off at the store and we’ll talk tomorrow.”

“You’re going to teach me how to be gay?” Chad asked, grimacing.

“Not really. I’m going to introduce you to some of the things that make being gay so wonderful,” Roy said. “The problem is you think there’s something wrong with you. There’s not. Being gay is simply fabulous darling.”

Chad looked at Roy with shock. Gone was the steady, stable man who was his boss. In his place was a lisping, silly man skipping to his car. Chad paused, fearful someone would see them together. Then, he realized he didn’t care. He didn’t know another person within a hundred miles. Shaking his head, Chad trudged toward the car with Roy giggling and waving at him enthusiastically.

“You’ll be fabulous darling!” Roy called out to him. “When I’m through with you, you’ll be gayer than me!”

Chad chuckled and realized he wasn’t feeling blue at all. He felt just a little bit hopeful as he got into his boss’ car.

Roy had a look of determined happiness on his face as his brown haired employee got settled into the seat and attached the shoulder strap. “Are you ready to go?” he asked.

Chad nodded and swallowed. He wasn’t exactly sure what to think of this sudden change in the other man’s demeanor. He wouldn’t let it scare him though. “Okay,” he answered.

Roy slipped a CD into the player and hit a couple of buttons. After a couple of clicks and a whine, music began to fill the front seat of the car. It was Garth Brooks singing one of his favorite songs and it soothed Chad considerably. As he listened, the words had a slightly different meaning than he’d ever considered before.

Chad grinned and looked at Roy who was laughing as they drove away from the curb and out of the park. “You listen to country songs? I’d never have guessed that.”

“Honey,” Roy said placing a gentle hand on the other man’s thigh. “There is nothing but high camp in country songs. No other group of people understands the hard luck stories of gays better than country music writers. Their sad songs are our tragic sagas.”

Both men sang along with 'I've Got Friends in Low Places" and the Chad's troubles eased considerably.

**************

“Madeline, please get Lonnie and have him wait for me outside my office,” Roy said in a clipped, efficient tone.

Madeline was used to the stormy mood swings of her boss, but this one felt a little different. It had a harsh ring to it and Roy was a lot of things, but hard wasn’t one of them.

“Okay. He’ll ask what it’s about,” she said.

“Tell him I’m calling his brother,” Roy smiled grimly. “That should get him sweating.”

Madeline chuckled at her boss’ insinuation. Lonnie lived in fearful dread of his older brother. Tyrell was a force of nature. When he showed up it felt like a tornado had just whipped through, or at least an emotional twister if not that actual swirling winds of physical destruction.

Roy sat down behind his desk with a plunk. He picked up the phone and dialed a number he knew by heart. As it rang, the tension in his back eased a bit. Roy was furious. After what Chad told him, he wanted to rip into the warehouse manager with unbridled vengeance. That wouldn’t do. It would be far more effective to throw him to the wolves.

“East Lake Minnemart, Tyrell Jarrett speaking.”

“It’s Roy. How’s tricks girlfriend?”

“Just a minute,” he heard his friend answer. In the background a door closed and heavy thuds echoed back toward the phone.

“Roy Toy! How are you? I was so excited to hear you’re back. Your store needed you something fierce,” Tyrell squealed in glee.

Roy’s face relaxed. Why didn’t he call his buddy more often? Tyrell and Roy had started at the same store when they were both the tender age of twenty. As two of the more obviously gay men in the place, they’d bonded with each other, became allies. Over the years, their paths had separated from time to time, but regardless, they could pick up where they’d left off. It was that kind of deep friendship.

“The store is doing much better after I tossed those skanks Dick hired after I left,” Roy giggled.

“It’s only been a month and your numbers have bounced back already,” Tyrell said. “Your core staff was good so I’m not surprised though. What’s up? Any new men you’re juggling?”

Roy blushed. Tyrell knew his modus operandi too well. “I’ve slowed down considerably. How’s Hugo?” he asked.

“My baby is doing well. He got another promotion. We’re getting married in a few months. Tell me you’re coming,” Tyrell gushed.

“If I get an invite, I’m there,” Roy laughed. He meant it, too. During his little year of living stupidly, he’d let most of his friends slide away from him. It was time to mend some fences.

“How’s my little brother doing?” Tyrell asked. Roy winced. There was both warmth and a hint of acid in that question.

“That’s what I was calling you about,” Roy said. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“Mind? Not at all. What’s the rat bastard been up to lately? According to him, the store would fall to pieces if he wasn’t there.”

Roy sighed. “I have a new employee in the warehouse. He’s our age, just came out of the closet, and Lonnie was pretty nasty to him today.”

Tyrell’s snort was quite loud. “Shoot Roy. What did Lonnie do now?”

“Chad’s son is getting a hard time at school down in Council Bluffs. Chad got a text from his ex-wife that Justin got into a fight and was suspended from school. Lonnie heard the story and said to Chad, ‘If you hadn’t decided to turn into a fag, your boy wouldn’t be in trouble’.”

Roy waited for Tyrell to respond. The phone line sounded dead. The tension was palpable.

“That little bitch!” Roy heard Tyrell yell. “Turn into a fag? Roy, I’ll rip him a new one so fast…”

“Tyrell,” Roy interrupted. “I’ve got a better plan. It’s time we saw the ‘softer side of Lonnie’.”

Tyrell listened to Roy’s proposal and at the end both of them were laughing so hard they couldn’t understand each other. Roy’s sides were aching as he hung up the phone and went to get Lonnie from outside his office.

Lonnie came into the office nervously looking around. “Boss, I don’t know what he told you but I didn’t say it.”

“You didn’t?” Roy said sitting back down and smiling at him. “Chad said you were sweet, respectful and kind. If what he said wasn’t true, what did you say?”

Lonnie blinked. “What?!”

“Chad said you were very kind about his distressful situation. I commend you for being supportive of people like me and your brother,” Roy smiled again, but this time it had more teeth.

Lonnie looked at Roy with suspicion and trepidation. “What’s this all about then?”

“I was talking with Tyrell on the phone a minute ago and we think cross training is an under-utilized opportunity. I think you’d have a better understanding of the retail side if you saw some sales floor action. Your brother agreed. We are job swapping you for a couple months.” Roy sat back and watched Lonnie twist in discomfort.

“What is Tyrell going to do to me?” Lonnie asked, his voice trembling. “My brother’s gonna make me work in women’s undergarments or something. You bitches!” he sneered.

“Not undergarments,” Roy said grinning evilly. “Tyrell thinks your talents would be wasted in women’s underwear. He needs someone to work in feminine hygiene products and the makeup counter.”

“You fucking gays are something else,” Lonnie snorted. “I’m not doing it.”

“Too bad. I believe Tyrell’s expecting you tomorrow morning at eight am sharp,” Roy said spinning around in his office chair.

“You can’t do this,” Lonnie whined. “It’s not fair. I didn’t mean it…”

“See you in a couple months Lonnie. We’ll miss you,” Roy said happily. “Until then, goodbye.”

Lonnie stomped out of his office. Roy giggled as he picked up the phone to call Tyrell and share his brother’s reaction.

‘Friends in Low Places,’Songwriters BLACKWELL, DEWAYNE / LEE, EARL BUD Published by Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC