Weeping Lily - 11. Chapter 11

“Jay... I...” Kelly’s heart was hammering in her chest as she stared into the cold brown eyes. She had thought that her brother hadn’t changed, that he was the same... the same boy. She had thought that he was sick and weak and that he would be... broken... and maybe he was but now she could see something else... now she could see that same spirit that had made him fight back even though he knew it would get him a worse beating. Kelly bit her lip and trembled.

Jayden watched his sister, watched her eyes. She looked different, a lot different... grown up. Her hair was the same, long and thick, tied back in a pony tail, with strands escaping to curl around her face. But it was a rich chestnut, not as dark as his own but darker than before... surely it had been blonde before. Maybe she dyed it.

Kelly’s face had changed, her hair had changed but her eyes were the same... baby blue, wide and innocent. She always looked innocent, always had, even when she was getting into mischief. Mother used to say that she ‘had a way about her’ and that was true enough... a way of getting what she wanted, a way of always finding the easiest path through, a way of diving in the shit and coming out smelling of roses. Everyone had been so sorry for her... poor little Kelly, so protective of her little sister... standing up against the world who were so ready to believe her lying, evil brother.

There had been a documentary when Kelly and Anya had spoken, as had various friends and family. They had all said the same thing... that Jayden was a troubled boy, always had been and that he was an accomplished liar. That much was true... they had made sure of that. He’d had to lie... about the bruises, his absences from school, his... Jayden swallowed.

By the time the documentary came out the trial was over and his parents were found guilty. However, he had already begun his slide into darkness and it was on the day the documentary had been released, the day he had watched it alone in his room; it was on that day he had attacked Cal. He barely remembered it... the whole period of his life that started the moment he switched on the television and saw Kelly’s eyes... the same eyes that were watching him steadily now, looking back at him... was nothing more than a blur.

During that whole seven or eight month period all he had were brief snatches of memory. Pain... abuse... confusion... overwhelming sorrow and bitterness... feelings of self loathing so desperate that he had tried to take his own life over and over so that his periods of lucidity became less and less... until... until Cal... His first clear memory of that whole time was the day that Cal had come to take him home. He had been sleeping, a drugged sleep of course, at that point they were pushing more and more meds into him so that one day blurred into the next with nothing more than the vague impression of time passing.

But on that day... that day he had opened his eyes to see a vision. Of course, by that stage seeing visions wasn’t an unusual occurrence for him... except that they were usually of dark twisted shapes created out of shadow... and this one... this one was an angel.

He hadn’t been able to put a name to the angel. It had been vaguely familiar and for some reason had settled a feeling of peace and joy over his heart so that for a long while he was convinced that he had finally escaped the pain in death and the angel was taking his soul to heaven. It had almost been a sorrow when he had finally worked out what was really going on.

And it had all started with those eyes. No... he corrected himself, that wasn't fair... it had started a long time before that.

“Hello Kelly.”

His voice was completely flat, as were his eyes. If it were not for the fact he had spoken her name she would have had no idea if he even recognised her. It was encouraging to see that there was no hatred there, no accusation... but neither was there any acceptance.

“Are you... are you alright?”

He smiled. It was not a nice smile... it was a bitter smile. “No. I have never been alright. You know that.”

Automatically she nodded. “Yes. I know that.” She dropped her eyes, unable to bear the emptiness she saw behind his eyes. “Jay... I...”

“I don’t want you to.”

“What?” She looked up again and his eyes had hardened. “I don’t want you to say sorry.”

“But I am... I am sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” Suddenly, as if a dam had burst the words came tumbling from her. “I was a stupid, selfish, spoiled bitch. I was always selfish, always and... I did love you, in my way... I always loved you. When... when we were very little, before... before... when... when we were still kids and still a family I used to worship you. I thought you were the best big brother in the world. And then... and then...

“She told us that you weren’t really out brother at all. She said that your parents were criminals, evil people and that evil passes in the blood. She said that you had to be treated harshly to drive the evil from you. She told us that we mustn’t love you or you would hurt us. She told us that you hated us and were only being nice to us to get us on your side to hurt them.

“She told us a lot of things Jayden... and we believed her. She was our mother and she cared for us... they both did... in their way. She made us believe that you were an evil creature that deserved everything that happened to you and that they were only doing it for your own good to stop you being evil.

“It wasn’t easy... in the beginning I couldn’t believe her but then... then you changed. You got so... dark and... and... I thought that... It seemed to me that it was proof of what she was saying, that it was the evil in you coming out. It was awful to see what they did to you... to hear... to... but she came to us and told us that they were helping you and then... then when you said those terrible things to them... when you spat in their faces it seemed... it felt like...

“Looking back now I can see what they did but back then... back then I was a child and I believed everything. I really believed that you hated us because you were always so... and I know it was because... and... and when you left and told everyone what was happening they... they told us that you were... that you were going to come back for us and that you wouldn’t rest until you had destroyed us all. They made us promise that we wouldn’t tell the truth because if we did then we would be taken away from them and they wouldn’t be able to protect us from you when you came for us.

“You were so dark Jayden... so dark... for years I was terrified that you were going to come for us, that I would wake one night and see your face in the darkness.”

She risked looking up and his face wasn’t blank any more... it was horrified. Heartened she pressed on.

“Don't you see... we were abused as much as you were... but in a different way. They stole you from us and we never saw it happening. We only saw what they made us see, believe what they made us believe. I hated you and feared you for so long I forgot... I forgot how much... how much I...”

Through streaming tears she reached out tentatively and touched his hand. For a moment his fingers were stiff and cold around hers but then, very slowly, they curled until he was holding her hand. Swallowing hard she looked into his eyes and said the words that she had been both hoping and dreading to say for such a long time.

“I love you Jayden... I forget ... for a time... but I love you, I always have.”

She smiled a shaky smile and hoped that she would see one from him in return but she didn’t. By that point Jayden was not only incapable of smiling he was incapable of doing anything at all. He was lost... catapulted back into the world of his worst nightmare. He remembered... she had made him remember... made him remember how it had been in the beginning and how it had all fallen apart, how it had slipped through his fingers with no way that he could stop it, no way he could control it until, from a happy go lucky five year old he had slowly become a dark and twisted teenager whose life was a living hell, surrounded by the caricatures of the family he had once loved and who had loved him.

Watching Jayden implode was a terrifying experience. He hadn’t said a word, not one... and yet... She saw the emotions flying through his eyes, eyes that were turning backwards, not literally of course but she could see him disappearing behind them, retreating into his own private hell. He started to shake, just trembling at first but more and more until she started to get afraid. The machines behind him were flashing at her erratically and someone was going to come soon... they would throw her out and she would never be allowed back in. This was her only chance... her only way back in.

“Jayden... I’m sorry if I said anything to upset you. I was only trying to explain... trying to make you realise that it... Fuck... who am I kidding? Of course it was my fault. I knew... despite everything... I knew. I’m sorry Jayden. I can't ever begin to express how... oh please babe... please don’t do this... I don’t know what to do.”

Jayden was beyond hearing. He was shivering violently but he wasn’t aware of that either. Scene after scene replayed themselves in his mind, rising to the surface of the fetid soup he had buried so deep for so long. A sound bubbled from his lips. It was an incoherent sound, a painful one to hear, a wordless expression of pain so deep it was unbearable and simply could not be contained inside any longer.

Frightened Kelly got to her feet. She looked around panicked but there was nothing to aid her. She should call someone but if she did she knew that Cal would find out and he would keep her away from Jayden, she would never get her chance to get back what should always have been hers... her family.

“Jayden... you have to calm down. Can you hear me? Please listen to me babe... please. You have to relax now or you are going to hurt yourself... calm down Jayden.”

There was nothing she could have said that would have reached him but, fortunately instinct took over at that point and she reacted out of sheer panic, doing the unthinkable... she slapped him. It wasn’t hard but it seemed to have some effect. He blinked at her, breathing hard, his eyes still only barely aware. His lips moved but she had to bend close before she could make any sense of his words... word.

“Again.”

“What? No... I... I shouldn’t have... I can't...”

“Please...” He was losing himself, sliding down the slippery slope into that dark pit that was so familiar and so feared. He was falling and there was only one thing that could bring him back, anchor him... pain. Driving his nails into the palm of his hands did nothing, it wasn’t enough... nothing he could do to himself was enough...

Kelly, her hand trembling, slapped him again, not hard but enough to jolt him back from the edge... just a little... just enough for her to see. She looked at him properly for the first time. His bare chest was criss crossed with scars... some old, going back to what he had experienced as a child... but some newer, much newer. At last she understood.

Looking around she quickly realised that there was nothing she could use that would help, nothing that would not leave behind evidence that she was sure neither of them would want to have to explain. She glanced once more at her brother’s face, twisted with pain, betraying the inner struggle he was losing, and then at the monitors that were showing that the struggle was passing beyond the realms of merely emotional ... and she made a decision.

“Jayden... if I’m wrong I’m sorry... I’m so, so sorry. I’m doing this for you... I hope you understand.”

With a hand that was trembling almost too much to do what she wanted it to do she reached under the covers, between his legs, grabbed his balls and squeezed. Jayden’s body went stiff, his back arching as his breath hissed between his teeth. He choked back the scream that sprung to his lips and Kelly let go, leaping back, away from the bed in horror at what she had done, her heart pounding.

With difficulty Jayden turned onto his side and curled into a tight ball, moaning. Kelly watched him, at first with horror and then with a growing understanding as his breathing gradually calmed and the moans were replaced by soft weeping. Sitting down again she took his hand and was more than gratified when he gripped her hard. Stroking his hair she soothed him until he was calm.

When it was over Jayden lifted his head and stared into her eyes. She was so relieved to see that the empty pit was closed again and although he was far from calm he was back in residence so to speak. For the first time his lips curled into the smallest smile. Kelly stroked the damp hair away from his hot face and let her fingers linger on the curve of his cheek.

“I’m so sorry... I didn’t know...”

Jayden’s eyes were growing heavy... he was exhausted. He had energy enough for only one more thing. Swallowing heavily he managed to whisper... “Thank you...” before it all got too much for him and he not so much fell asleep as passed out.

In shock Kelly stared at him for a long time, her heart still pounding. After her experiences as a child she had been determined to understand what had happened... to her... to Jayden... to them all and so had studied Psychology. As a Psychologist she was well aware that the effects of abuse, particularly to the extremes that Jayden had suffered, were diverse.

Some abused children became abusing adults... it was more common than anyone realised, although it was rare that the abuse they gave out was as bad as they received... they were more likely to be controlling and mentally abusive... regaining the power that was taken from them by taking it from others.

In other cases, rarer but not so rare as you would imagine, the victim became addicted to the abuse, so deeply psychologically scarred that the pain and suffering became normalised and so deeply rooted in the psyche that the only way the emotional pain can be dealt with is by experiencing physical pain.

Thinking about it Kelly reached a realisation... they were two sides of the same coin... people who have been deeply hurt... so deeply hurt that the hurt becomes part of them, an unbearable part, a destructive and debilitating part, have to deal with it in one of two ways... either to hurt others or be hurt themselves.

For a moment she wondered if she had bitten off more than she could chew in coming here. Her brother came with more baggage than she had realised. But hadn’t that been the point? Hadn’t that always been the point, the reason why she had chosen the career path she had? She had been looking for healing... for herself, for Anya... for all of them.

Lost in thought, she jumped when the door opened.

“Hey. I thought you were in here. Are you okay?”

“Hi Luc. Yeah... I suppose. It’s so hard... to see him like this... especially when I have been such a bitch to him. I...”

“Don’t beat yourself up about it Kelly. You did what you had to do... that’s what we all do.”

“I know, but...”

“But nothing. You were thirteen years old... that’s just a kid and Anya was even younger. You were doing your best to try and protect both of you. Don’t you dare start falling into self doubt now. I know that Cal is being a pig to you but that’s just because he and Jay are so close and he saw... I mean he was there... I mean we were all there but... What I’m trying to say is that some of us are more understanding about this than others.”

“Thanks Luc, I appreciate it. You always were the most sensitive and understanding.”

“I don’t know about that.”

‘How charming’, she thought, ‘he’s blushing’. Shyly she covered his hand with her own, noticing that it was trembling slightly. “I do. You’re a very sweet person Luc, and I really appreciate your support.”

“It’s the least I can do. I mean Jay’s one of my best friends and this whole thing has floored me. I don’t know which way is up. I mean one minute we were on top of the world and then... and then...” He closed his eyes and rubbed at his temple. “Oh God. I’m so tired I’m not thinking straight. It still feels... I know that he’s getting better but it still feels...”

Kelly squeezed his hand. “I know.”

For a while they sat in silence. Neither of them moved their hands. “Won’t your family worry about you... being here so long.” He turned his head suddenly to look at her, his eyes wide. “Not that I want you to leave. I’m not suggesting...”

Kelly smiled. “I know. Don’t worry.” She sighed. “No... they won’t mind. I... I separated from my husband some time ago, almost two years. The children are with him. They’ll be fine there for as long as it takes. He would be happy if I never went back.”

“I’m sorry Kelly... I didn’t know.”

“Of course not. The thing is... Jayden wasn’t the only one hurt by what happened. Anya and I... I mean she’s a complete mess. She’s into drugs, drinks too much... spends half her time off the planet... and as for me...” She shrugged. “I haven’t been able to make much of a success of any relationship I’ve had. Okay I’ve got my career and I’m clean and sober but I’m not really any better off. I’m a mess.”

“You’re not a mess. You’re... you always were so...” He stopped speaking and looked away. Kelly smiled to herself.

“I’m hoping that if I can stick around... if I’m allowed... if I can get to know Jay again, help him... then maybe... just maybe I’d be helping myself too.”

“I’d be happy if you stuck around.”

“Thanks Luc. It’s nice to know I have at least one friend.”

“I’m sure you have a lot of friends Kelly... you do here.”

“I used to...”

“We have to move on. We’ve all tried. I thought... I thought...”

“No... the truth is we moved on but we never moved past... maybe that’s why I’m here, what I’m looking for.”

“Maybe.”

“What will you do now?”

“What do you mean?”

“The band... Will you carry on?”

He looked surprise. “What do you mean? Of course we’ll carry on. Jeff’s phone hasn’t stopped ringing. It’s sad I know but this has boosted us even higher. We’re hot property at the moment.”

“But what if... I mean would you go on without Jayden?”

Luc stared at her, even more surprised. “Of course not. There’s no way... there is no band without Jayden. But why... ? I mean... Jayden is going to be alright. It’s all going to be alright now... isn’t it?”

“I’m sure it is Luc... I’m sure...it’s just...”

“What?”

“Jayden is getting better but it is going to take a long , long time before he’s up to fronting the group again. What will you do in the meantime? Will you fans wait for months? Will the offers still be coming in then?”

Luc frowned. “I... I hadn’t thought... I... Jeff says...”

“Jeff is a good manager and a good friend. Right now he is going to be saying whatever he thinks you want to hear.”

“Do you think?”

“I’m no expert Luc. This isn’t my world but it seems to me that audiences are fickle. People love to build up idols... but they love to pull them down just as much.”

“I... suppose you’re right.” He said slowly. ”What do you think we should do?”

“I don’t know Luc. You should talk to Jeff. Maybe you can do some gigs with a stand in... just temporarily... until Jayden’s back on his feet.”

“I... don’t know... Cal wouldn’t...”

“Cal is not the only member of this group. He is a very forceful personality but isn't it about time you stopped letting him make ALL the decisions?”

“He doesn’t... not... not ALL.”

“”Oh well... it’s your business not mine. I’m just thinking of Jay... it would kill him if the group went under because of him.”

“It’s not going to go under. Jeff will look after us... and... and even if we do lose popularity we will build it back... we’ve done it once.” He didn’t sound very sure of himself, not very sure at all. Kelly smiled and patted his leg.

“Don’t worry. It will be alright.”

He smiled. “Yeah... I know. The most important thing right now is Jayden. As long as he’s alright it will be okay.”

“Yes... absolutely.”

They both looked at Jayden. ‘He looks so peaceful now’, Kelly thought, ‘you’d never believe...’.

Almost as if he was aware they were watching him Jayden stirred and sighed, half turning, but he didn’t wake.

“He still looks awful doesn’t he? It’s scary... I mean... everything. Cal keeps pushing but the doctor still won’t say that he’s going to live. It would be too... I mean it would just be too cruel now if... if after everything...” He swallowed painfully, his eyes on his friend.

“Nothing is going to happen to Jayden, Luc... not now, not any more. We’re all going to take care of him and we’re going to do it properly this time.”

He was surprised by the tone of her voice... it was so... loaded.

“I don’t understand...”

“No... you don’t... it seems that no one does. Let’s just say that what happened in the past is not over... not yet... not by a long shot. None of us really dealt with it, none of us got closure... least of all Jayden.”

“Yeah... I get that. He’s always been... he’s... well you know Jay... he doesn’t show much but he... he blanks... sometimes. He goes... dark and empty and then he disappears and when he comes back he’s okay but... I never thought... I never really believed that he was okay.”

“You were right Luc... he wasn’t... but I am here now and I am going to make sure that it’s dealt with properly this time. It’s time that the ghosts of the past are laid to rest and we all actually deal with what happened and not bury it where it can poison us for the rest of our lives.

“No matter how difficult or painful it is or is going to be, this time I am going to see it through to the end and make sure that my brother is sorted out once and for all... not just left in limbo like this.”

“Yeah... it is like that... it’s felt like that... that we’re all in limbo. Nothing has felt... real... because we are always walking on eggshells... we never know what’s going to set him off... when he’s going to...”

Luc looked up sharply. Kelly was watching him with understanding eyes. “It’s not that we begrudge it... not that we ever... not for a moment... ever blamed him or... we love him, all of us and we hate to see him in so much pain but we haven’t... I... we just don’t know what to do, how to help him.”

“Don’t worry Luc... I do.”

“I hope so... I’ve been feeling... for a long time we’ve all felt... It’s always been there Kelly, always been in the background... that darkness, that pain... festering away. It was like a poison in him and so in us too. We always knew that sooner or later something bad was going to happen. God knows we did our best to protect him but...”

“You couldn’t protect him from himself Luc... no one could.”

“I know... we all did, that’s what’s been killing us.”

“It ends now. We’re going to fix this... we’re going to fix him... once and for all.”

Luc turned to her and smiled. She smiled back but something felt slightly off... as if the smile never reached her eyes. He remembered that Jayden wasn’t the only one who had suffered.

“I hope so Kelly... for all our sakes.”