Weeping Lily - 26. Chapter 26

Jayden wasn’t thinking of anything as he ran. The horror, shock and, above all the overwhelming shame had faded and he was simply numb. It had taken a few falls, grazes to his knees and hands, a nasty bang on the head and a twisted ankle to drive home the message that running over uneven ground with your trousers half down really wasn’t a good idea.

Pausing to pull them up and fasten them he heard a shout in the distance. Cal was looking for him, coming after him. Of course he was. He had expected that hadn’t he? Had he? He was Cal; he loved him and he would be coming for him. For a moment he paused and a smile curved his lips, until a memory brought the all consuming shame washing over him in waves.

Gagging Jayden fell to his knees and vomited onto the grass. It burned his throat, almost pure alcohol. He hadn’t eaten for a while. It occurred to him that it hadn’t been a good idea to drink that much on an empty stomach.

For a time he knelt on the damp earth, his head bowed and his head spinning, too dizzy to be thinking anything much. He wretched until there was nothing left and then he collapsed sideways and lay staring at the tall, cool grass in front of his face. Rolling away from the soiled earth he pulled up his legs and began to cry.

He had thought he was starting to get better, that things were going to work out, that he and Cal could make it. He had actually thought that he could work through the pain and make it go away. What a fool! He should have known that it was too deep, too much a part of who he was now. He was damaged goods, a freak, a hollow man and there was nothing that he could do to change that. There was nothing that could fill the hollowness inside, not even Cal.

Another call, significantly closer, startled him. That wasn’t Cal. Damn, he should have realised. They were all looking for him. It was only a matter of time before someone found him and he didn’t want to be found. He didn’t want to go back, he couldn’t go back.

Dragging himself to his feet he staggered for a few steps, gasping with the pain that shot through his twisted ankle. Damn. He wasn’t going to get far like this. Not only was he decidedly dizzy from the alcohol and the sickness but he was sore too, the pain in his ankle, hands and knees making itself felt.

If he had been thinking clearly he would have headed off into the woods and found somewhere safe to shelter and ride out the night. Dammit if he had been thinking clearly he would have been heading back to the trailer. But he was not thinking clearly. His thoughts were confused, a thick soup of shame, confusion, regret, loss, loneliness and hurt, swirling sluggishly in his head, which pounded.

Dimly he realised that he wouldn’t get far walking and the thought occurred to him that it would be better if he could drive. He was intending to get a car but the big shiny bike lured him and when he saw the key in the ignition his eyes lit up and his blood pounded in his veins.

He threw his leg over and almost fell. The bike was a beast; it was very heavy and his feet only just touched the floor on either side. Damn. Maybe he should look for another one. He got off the bike but at that moment he heard voices close by... too close. Cursing he began to push the bike away from the circle of lights, towards the gate.

Limping heavily and leaning against the cool side of the bike he struggled into the lane and then climbed on again and fired it up. Scared to death that the sound would have attracted everyone from miles around and convinced that they were all converging on that spot right now he opened the throttle and lurched forwards.

The bike was a monster in more ways than one and Jayden found it very hard to control it. If he had been sober he would not even have tried. Many times as he roared and swerved along country lanes in the darkness he almost left the road, crashed into a hedge or failed to make a curve. It helped when he remembered to switch the lights on but not much.

Fortunately by the time he came to the main road he had sobered quite a bit and had got the hang of driving... but he was also rapidly getting exhausted.

It was starting to get light but the roads were still pretty much deserted. He had no real idea where he was and even less of where he was going. For the time being getting away from what he was running from was far more important than knowing where he was running to.

Road flashed under the wheels and the scenery that whipped past, too blurred to distinguish in any kind of detail, turned from green to brown. Other cars appeared and he was forced to slow down, encountering junctions and bends.

Unsteadily Jayden negotiated a town, almost falling off on every occasion he had to slow or stop, and then the countryside enveloped him again. There were more cars around now and his head had cleared enough to allow him to appreciate the danger he was in when he wobbled or strayed to the other side of the road which he was doing more often as his strength ebbed.

Trying to take more notice of his surroundings he saw a sign pointing off to one side. It was brown and had a strange little picture of a castle on it along with what looked like crossed forks and some letters. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was but something in the back of his mind creaked and informed him that the crossed cutlery meant he would find something to eat there.

No sooner had he thought about food than his stomach growled and it was almost instinct that caused him to haul the bike to the left when the road along which a second, identical sign pointed, opened up. Struggling to get the bike straight again he didn’t see the sharp bend ahead and before he knew what was happening the front wheel hit the verge and the world went crazy.

He didn’t really know what happened next as it was all so fast. As near as he could figure it, when the wheel hit the verge it shot up into the air, tipping him backwards, and then proceeded to do a 180 degree flip whilst continuing to travel forwards. It then crashed down on the top edge of the front wheel, bounced and twisted sideways before hitting the ground again, on its side and skidding a fair way across the field leaving a clear trail in the tall grass.

If Jayden had been stronger or more sober, or if he had stayed conscious for just a minute longer, it might have been fatally disastrous for him. As it was he let go as he was being dragged through the hedge and when something came into contact with the side of his head he lost consciousness and fell sideways away from the bike landing in a limp bundle on the other side of the hedge while the bike literally flipped over his head, crashed down within feet of his shoulder and bounced away, skidding off through the field.

A few minutes after the wheel hit the verge stillness fell over the scene and when, shortly afterwards, the engine of the bike choked and died, silence flowed over the field to settle thickly on the now still forms of boy and bike. In less than ten minutes the only thing that attested to the accident ever having happened was the trail in the grass and a strong smell of petrol. Even the bike was only partially visible, half buried in a clump of thorn bushes. After having held its breath for a few minutes, life went back to exactly what it had been doing beforehand... unhurried, undisturbed, unheeding.

Jayden was lucky. For so many reasons he was luckier than he ever knew. One of the lucky happenstances he completely unaware of was the fact that the dog’s owner had neither seen nor heard the crash and that he didn’t bother to come and look for the dog when it went running off, straight through the hedge and started barking. He thought about investigating but, after the third call the dog came running back and so they carried on their walk up towards the castle.

If the walker had seen the track in the field, found the bike and Jayden, realised how much he’d had to drink or insisted he’d gone to hospital where they would have found out how much he’d had to drink, then he would have been in real trouble. As it was no one but the wildlife knew and they weren’t telling.

The dog licked Jayden’s face and barked at him until he opened his eyes and groaned. He then thrust his cold nose into his face until he weakly pushed him away and, when he hauled himself up painfully to sit, leaning against the hedge, he barked enthusiastically again and then went running off leaving him to work out where he was and what the hell had happened.

“Ah fuck!” he groaned as he began to phase back into reality and the numerous aches and pains vied with each other to make themselves felt. First amongst them all was the pain in his head. It was awful. If he’d had anything in his stomach he would have been sick but he just dry wretched and that made it all a whole lot worse.

After kneeling on the grass for a while, with his head bowed, clutching his stomach and aching ribs he looked up and took in both his location and situation. The trail in the grass and distant gleam of silver in the bush made him shiver. Oh God... what could have happened! But it hadn’t happened.

Crawling across the ground he hauled himself to his feet using a dead tree stump, groaning with pain. When he was roughly upright he stood with his back to the tree and closed his eyes until the fields stopped spinning around him. He pressed his hand to his head and winced, not only did it hurt but it made stars explode behind his eyes. Probably a good idea not to do that again.

It’s amazing how fast a near fatal accident sobers you up and by the time he was upright and steady on his feet Jayden had left behind the anaesthetic effects of the alcohol and was feeling everything... the pain, the horror and the fact that he was stuck in a field in the middle of nowhere. Just great.

Sagging against the tree he felt like weeping. What the hell had he gone and done now? However, Jayden was never one to wallow and after a few minutes of sheer misery he straightened, squared his shoulders and impatiently dashed the tears from his eyes. Okay, he was in a field in the middle of god knows where, he felt like tenderised beef and he had a terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach that he had just made the biggest mistake he had ever made in his life... but he was alive ,it was a nice day and, after a period of reflection he knew exactly what he was going to do next.

First he had to find out where he was and it seemed sensible to try and follow the sign he had been trying to follow on the bike. It wasn’t as hard as he had thought it might be to push off from the tree and make his way across the field to the gate and out onto the road. Yes he was sore and his head was pounding but he wasn’t badly hurt and, in fact the most painful thing was the ankle he had wrenched in the woods.

The road led upwards through a cool overarch of trees and Jayden was glad of the canopy keeping the sun off his head which was still aching furiously. He was deliberately not thinking about the accident and how easily it could have left him broken and cold in the field with the bike.

It seemed like a very, very long way and he was beginning to wonder if he was going to make it. He thought that it might be a very good idea to just sit down at the side of the road and go to sleep. Whether he woke up again or not really wasn’t something he was particularly concerned about at that point.

And then he rounded a bend and thought that perhaps he had, in fact lain down and gone to sleep because surely this MUST have been a dream.

Directly ahead of him on the crown of the hill was a ruined castle that stood out in dramatic relief against the blue sky beyond. To his right the road widened into a car park which contained three cars. On the other side of the car park was an absolutely darling little cafe. It was a long low, single story, cinderblock construction which looked as if it had been built overnight. However the front was shaded by a blue striped canvas canopy and there were a number of tables and chairs set out on a well maintained patio area.

The smell of cooking wafted across the car park and Jayden’s stomach growled again. Looking around he saw, a podium set into a low wall that bordered the car park on the castle side and cursory investigation provided him with the information he wanted regarding his location.

He forced his hand into the pocket of his tight leather trousers, praying that his phone was still in one piece. It was a bit dented and the screen was cracked but it still worked. His stomach lurched when he saw that there were scores of missed calls and texts from Cal but he ignored them.

His fingers shook as he dialled a number and for the first time since he woke up in the field he relaxed and allowed the tears to flow down his cheeks as he spoke to the person on the other side of the line.

“Stay put Jayden. I’ll be there as soon as I can. It’s going to take a while though... maybe an hour. Are you okay there? Is there somewhere you can go? Is there someone there?”

“Thank you,” he whispered, fighting to control the trembling in his hands and lips, to keep his voice steady. “There is a cafe. I’ll get coffee.”

“Do you want me to call Cal?”

“No! No I... I don’t want to see Cal.”

“Have you two had a fight?”

“No it... it’s nothing like that. I’ll tell you when you get here.”

“Jayden I’m worried about you. You sound awful. Are you sure you weren’t hurt in the accident?”

“Of course I was hurt but nothing’s hanging off and I’m not about to collapse and die so I’ll keep until you get here.”

“Are you sure?”

“There isn’t much you can do about it is there? You can’t stop me hurting from where you are.” It was clear from his voice that he wasn’t talking about physical pain and that he wasn’t expecting the hurting to stop no matter where they were.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can hun. I’m leaving right now.”

“Thanks. I really... need someone.”

“I’m always here for you. It’s going to be okay.”

“I... Sure. See you soon.”

When the screen went dead he stood looking at it for a while wondering if he had done the right thing. Eventually he heaved a huge sigh, thrust the phone back into his pocket and headed for the cafe, limping.

The smell of coffee tickled his nose as he opened the door and he made his way to the counter and ran his eyes over the plastic board on the back wall containing the makeshift menu.

“You alright there honey?” Jayden jumped at the warm voice that was attached to a middle aged woman who had come from a door to the side of the counter unnoticed.

“I...um... I’d like some coffee please. I’m trying to make up my mind what I want to eat.”

“You look half starved honey. How about I make you a nice Full English... grilled of course, no fatty fried stuff in here, I aim to make the food taste unhealthy but be healthy.”

Jayden stared at her for a moment struggling to process what she was saying. She frowned.

“Are you okay hun? You look a little peaky.” She reached out her hand and touched the side of his face. He winced.

“Ow.”

“You have a nasty bruise coming up there.” She frowned severely. “You haven’t been in a fight have you?”

“No. I crashed my bike.”

Her eyes went wide. “You poor thing. Are you hurt? Are you alright? Come and sit down.”

The woman hustled Jayden to a chair and made him sit down. She peered into his eyes making him blink.

“No wonder you’re so pale. Are you hurt?”

“A bit.”

“Where are you hurt?”

“My ankle. I twisted it I think and... well I think that I’m pretty much bruised all over.”

“Let me see.”

Before he knew what was happening she had him on his feet pulling his shirt out of his trousers.

“Oh good grief, you weren’t kidding. You really should go to the hospital and get some xrays. You could have some broken ribs.” To underline her point she ran her hands over his side and he hissed, jerking away.

“No. Thanks but I have it covered. Someone is coming to get me. It will take a while and I’m starving. I just want something to eat and a coffee. I’ll be fine.”

She looked at him thoughtfully for a long minute and then she nodded kindly and smiled.

“You sit here and relax for a while. I’ll get you something to eat and drink but if you start to feel ill or if the pain gets really bad you tell me okay? If I have to I’ll drive you to the hospital myself.”

Jayden smiled tiredly. “Thank you. But it’s alright. My lift will be here within the hour. She’s already left.”

“Do you need to get your bike out of a ditch or something?” She asked as she poured coffee.

“It can stay where it is and rot for all I care. It was a stupid idea to take it in the first place.”

“Take it?”

“Yeah... oh... I didn’t mean steal it. I didn’t steal it.”

“I wasn’t suggesting you had hun,” she said putting a mug of thick milky coffee on the table in front of him. “Drink up, it will make you feel better. I’ll get the food on.”

Jayden gave her a weak smile and sipped the coffee which was surprisingly good.

As he drank Jayden stared out of the widow, over the sunlit car park to the castle beyond. He couldn’t stop his mind sliding back to the previous night and Cal’s face just before he ran. He’d looked scared, there was no denying that... and disgusted. He was disgusted with what Jayden had asked him to do; had made him do; had wanted him to do. He had been disgusted with him. His Cal, his lover, his best friend had been scared of him and disgusted with him. There was no going back from that. He had taken everything Cal had given him and thrown it in his face and now he couldn’t have it back.

Without him realising the tears slid out of his eyes and down his cheeks, dripping onto the table as his coffee went cold.

“Hey, hey... what’s this all about?”

Jayden looked up through blurred eyes and sniffed. The woman put a piled plate of food that smelled like heaven in front of him but he couldn’t look at it, he would not have been able to force it down through the lump in his throat. He tried to smile and shook his head.

The woman sat down and covered his hand with her own. It was warm and it was only then he realised that he was cold and shivering.

“Honey, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that you are not doing too well right now. And it’s not just the accident it is?”

He shook his head biting his lip. “No.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No. I... Yesterday I did something... something really bad and I think I’ve lost... I’ve lost the only thing that really means anything in my life.”

“Girlfriend?”

He looked up sharply and shook his head, biting his lip, both to stifle the grunt of pain that the movement of his head had caused and because he wasn’t sure he could actually speak the word that had leaped to them. Then he took a deep breath and swallowed before he said...

“No, boyfriend.”

The woman didn’t falter for an instant. “Same difference, affairs of the heart don’t sit well with labels. Did you fight?”

“Not exactly. I wanted him to do something that he couldn’t do and now he hates me for wanting him to.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

He laughed shortly. What did she know? “You don’t know what I asked him to do.”

“No, that’s true, I don’t. But if he loves you as much as you so clearly love him then he will appreciate that if you asked him to do something you knew he wouldn’t like then you had a good reason and if he said no it was because he was secure enough in your love to feel able to do that. Did you try and force him to do it?”

“No. I would never force him to do anything he didn’t want to do.”

“Did you get angry with him when he said no?”

“No, not angry. I don’t blame him for saying no.”

“Do you love him?”

“Of course I do. I love him more than anything or anyone. I love him more than life. He has been there for me through... through a lot of hard times. I would trust him with my life.”

“Does he love you?”

Jayden thought carefully and despite everything a real smile crept through. “Oh yes. I know he loves me.” He thought about the look on Cal’s face when he woke up in the trailer, the pride when he was on stage, the fondness at the party, the desire when they kissed. He thought of the quiet time down by the river, the talk on the bridge at Cal’s house, the first time they kissed, the first time they made love... “Absolutely... he loves me and I love him.”

“Then whatever happened it will all work itself out. If you love each other you’ll find a way to make it work. Relationships are never easy, they all have their ups and downs, their challenges and trials... it’s how you deal with them, how you work through them that makes the relationship strong. If you’re honest with each other and keep talking then you can work it out.”

“I... hope so.”

“Do you think he’s looking for you?”

Jayden lowered his eyes and unconsciously touched his phone. “I know he is.”

“Maybe you should call him.”

“It isn’t as simple as that.” Jayden looked at the woman and smiled. “I will call him. I promise but... not yet. I need time to think.”

“Take all the time you want hun... but don’t miss the bus because you turned your back and let it pass.” Jayden looked at her quizzically until they simultaneously smiled and the woman laughed a soft, rich laugh. “You know what I mean.” He did.

The woman left him to his breakfast which he ate slowly and carefully. He couldn’t finish it, not even close, but he enjoyed every mouthful and felt a lot better afterwards.

Overcome with weariness he laid his head on his arms and closed his eyes. Although it wasn’t particularly comfortable it was warm and he was full. He felt so sleepy, so...

“Hun... hun are you okay?”

Jayden groaned and tried to sit up wincing with pain where his bruised ribs had stiffened.

“Easy honey. You’ve been sleeping a while. I got a little worried about you.”

He blinked up at her and yawned. “What time is it?”

“Almost midday. What time is your ride supposed to be getting here?”

“Umm...” He frowned trying to work it out, the shrugged. “Soon.”

“Would you like another coffee?”

“Yes please, could I have this one black?”

“You should have said.”

Smiling she turned away. He noticed that his plate and mug had already vanished. While he was waiting for her to return he looked out of the window and saw a black car swing into the carpark. There were more cars there now. He wondered where all the people were and figured they must be up at the castle. When he fully sat up and blinked sleep from his eyes he was surprised to see that there were a few in the cafe with him and more on the terrace outside.

Blinking again he saw a figure get out of the car and begin to walk towards the cafe. The figure was familiar. He smiled.

When the woman put the mug of coffee on the table Jayden looked up and smiled. “Can I have another one please?”

“What’s wrong with this one?”

“Oh nothing... I meant another one as well as this one.”

“Oh?”

The door opened and Jayden looked up and smiled, a weight he had not noticed he was bearing lifted from his shoulders. “What kind of coffee would you like?” He asked.

“Milky please, two sugars.”

“On its way hun.” The woman smiled and patted his hand as she turned away.

“What the hell have you been up to now? God Jayden you look awful. Do you need me to take you to a hospital?”

“No thank you. It wasn’t that bad.”

“What happened?”

Jayden looked around and shook his head. “Not here.”

“Fair enough. When we have finished our coffee I’ll get you home and then you can have a bath, put on something more comfortable and tell me all about it.”

Jayden smiled, a small relieved smile. Here was someone he could tell anything to. Here was someone who would really understand, someone he would not have to explain things to because they knew... they knew everything.

“Thanks Kelly. You’ll never know how much I appreciate this.”

“Hey... you’re my big brother.” She covered his hand with hers and squeezed the cold fingers. “I love you Jay. I’m so glad we kept in touch this time.”

“So am I.”

“Does Cal know?”

Jayden looked down biting his lip. “No. I thought it would be best I didn’t tell him. For some reason he doesn’t like you.”

“That’s okay. When the time’s right eh?” She looked up and smiled at the woman who put coffee down in front of her. “Thanks but I think I really should be getting my brother home now. How much do we owe you?”

“Don’t worry about it hun. Just take care of him.” She touched Jayden’s shoulder as he got to his feet a little unsteadily. “Talk to him... soon.”

Jayden smiled and nodded. “I will. I promise.”