Second Shot - 24. Chapter 24: Pick a side.

Taking the steps two at a time, he wondered why he was in a rush to get there. Their quiet evening at ‘home’ was about to take a detour. He avoided the subject when they talked earlier, begging off explaining by saying he had to get to practice.

Truth was, he still hadn’t found a good way to explain this to Peter.

Even though he had a key, Jason still knocked. Peter told him a hundred times this was ‘their home’ and he should let himself in, but he still felt weird opening the door with no warning.

“Use your key, Jase.” Peter’s voice sounded slightly annoyed. Wonderful, today couldn’t get worse if he planned it.

The sound of water running from the kitchen let Jason know where to find Peter. Dropping his bag as he removed his shoes, he took a deep breath to steel himself for the impending fight.

Would there be a fight? In the near year they had been dating, the closest thing to a serious argument was the shower incident with Ethan over the summer. This felt different. He already knew Peter’s feelings on his going to these classes. Peter would see this as a betrayal.

“Hey, Soccer Boy!” Peter wiped his wet hands on a towel. Jason barely responded to the kiss Peter gave him.

“Hey, Pete.” The lack of enthusiasm in his voice made Jason wish he tried harder.

“Whoa, that is about as unhappy as I have seen you. What happened?”

“Bad day all around.” Jason moved closer to give Peter a better kiss.

Peter’s smile quickly faded. “Does this have to do with your mom?”

Jason avoided looking at Peter. How the hell was he going to explain this? Compared to telling Peter, going to the classes was going to be easy.

“Yeah, but more than just her, Dad too.”

“Talk with him didn’t go so well?” Peter suddenly seemed unsure.

“No,” Jason exhaled, shaking his head. Pulling a chair out from the table, he sat down hard. “He wants me to go to the classes, for the sake of family unity. He suggested I just go through the motions.”

“What did you tell him?” From the way Peter asked, Jason could tell he suspected the answer.

“I told him and Mom the same thing, I need to think about it.” Why did this feel so wrong? He wasn’t doing it because he wanted to. “This isn’t something I can decide on the fly.”

Peter’s lips pinched tight. “What’s there to think about, you aren’t going.”

“Well . . . .”

“Jason,” Peter cut him off. “How can you even consider going?”

He looked down at his feet, afraid to look Peter in the eye. “My dad asked me to go so he could try to keep our family together. He said it would help him deal with my mom.”

“So?” Peter nearly shouted. “You don’t owe him. Stop thinking like you do.”

Easy for you to say, Jason thought. “Look, he said he knows how best to handle my mom. She won’t rest until I at least try to get help. By going to the classes, even just pretending to be interested, he can tell her to drop the idea when it doesn’t work.”

Pacing around the small kitchen, he turned to face Jason. “From what you tell me she will never give up.”

“Dad said he will push her after I do this.” He tried to sound hopeful, but he couldn’t say Peter was wrong. His mother rarely gave up when she thought she was right. “Pete, I'm not going to let them change me, I promise.”

“Then why go at all?” His voice lost none of its annoyance. “I mean, if you don’t want to change and don’t want to go, why pretend? Just tell them no.”

“I told you, my dad asked me to go to help him deal with my mom. He said she won’t let go unless I at least go to these classes.”

“He doesn’t know that!” Now he was shouting.

“Stop yelling at me.” He said it louder than he planned, but he didn’t deserve to have Peter shout at him.

“Sorry Jason, but this is so stupid.” Peter leaned back, his voice softer. “There's nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to go to these classes. Just tell them no.”

He exhaled again. They reached the crux of the matter. “Mom told me if I don’t go, she'll cut me off. No more money for school.”

As Jason feared, Peter stiffened, he eyes narrowing slightly. “So that's why you're going? Because you don’t want them to stop sending you money?”

“No, Pete, that isn’t the only reason.”

“But it is one reason.” This was not a question. “Admit it, you don’t want them to cut you off.”

Noting the bitterness in Peter’s words, he felt his chest tighten. There was no worse reason for Peter and Jason knew it. “What would I do if they did? I can’t afford to stay in school without their money.”

“I do it. Why can’t you?”

He needed to find a way to explain this without insulting Peter. “My situation is different.”

“No shit, you’re a pampered little rich boy who can’t stand the thought of being poor.”

Peter’s words stung like a slap to the face. So much for not insulting each other. “Where the fuck did that come from?”

Crossing his arm, Peter shook his head slightly. “C’mon Jason, don’t deny it. The thought there’ll be no more bank of mommy and daddy scares you.”

Fighting the anger building inside at the way Peter spoke to him, he tried to swallow, but his mouth was too dry. “What I was going to say was, unlike you my scholarship is based on soccer. During the season I can’t work, if I can’t work, I can’t stay in school. If I quit soccer to work, I can’t afford the tuition. Face it, I can’t continue at Graydon without their support.”

“That’s such crap.” Peter rolled his eyes dramatically. “Sure it won’t be easy, but it isn’t easy for me, and I manage.”

“You also planned for it before you started school. I didn’t have that luxury . . . .”

“Luxury!?” Peter yelled. “What part of my life is a luxury? The BMW I drive? The fancy mansion my grandparent’s live in? Or the all expenses paid trips to wherever I want curtsey of mummy and daddy?”

“What’s gotten into you?” Jason stood up, annoyed at Peter’s reaction. He made a point not to be the spoiled rich kid with Peter, skipping all the trips he would have taken had they not been together. “You know I have done everything I could not to be an asshole and rub my family’s money in your face, so why are you being such a prick right now? You think this is what I want? That this is easy?”

“If you don’t want it, don’t go.”

Peter’s casual attitude toward his plight made Jason want to scream. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes to get his anger under control

“Pete, if I don’t go, I have to leave school. Why can’t you see I have no other choice?”

“All I hear is you don’t want to lose their money.”

Jason shook his head, his control slipping. “Of course that's all you hear, that's all you care about. Never mind the fact if they cut me off, I don’t have any other source of money to get through school”

Peter’s expression remained the same; unimpressed and angry. “You could do it if you wanted.”

“How?” He didn’t try to hide his sarcasm any longer. “Are you going to pay for my apartment? My car insurance, my food, my phone?”

“No, you can get a job and pay for them yourself.”

Christ, was he even listening? Jason gave up trying to be polite. “What part of I can’t work during soccer season was unclear? Did you miss the part where I told you without soccer I don’t have a scholarship? Or are you just being obstinate for shits and giggles? If this were springtime, I could find a way, but right now, I can’t work.”

Peter’s eye narrowed again. Jason could see he held back a retort. “Find a way Jason. You’re just giving in because of the money.”

He turned back into the kitchen to pretend to check on dinner.

“Fucking eh, is everything about money to you?” Why did it surprise him Peter was hung up on the money issue? “I told you, my dad asked me to do this so he could keep the family together.”

Never taking his eyes from the food, Peter said, “So you decided you’re going.”

Jason sat, leaning back against the hard back of his chair. “I haven’t decided.”

“Sounds like you have. You keep talking like you're going.” Peter’s words came out terse, in a flat even tone.

“Why are you so mad? I told you my dad is going to help me with my mom if I just pretend to go. He's trying to help me, Pete.”

Slowly Peter turned his head toward Jason. “Obviously Royce doesn’t care about you like you think. If he did, he wouldn’t agree to cut you off.”

“Stop talking out your ass, you don’t know him.” Jason thought about leaving, it didn’t make sense having this conversation when Peter focused only on the money issue.

“I know he's a two faced liar if he makes you do this. He promised you he wouldn’t, but now he is going along with your mom.”

Jason whirled around. “You don’t know shit, Pete! Just because your dad's an asshole, doesn’t mean mine is.”

Peter balled up his fist, rage in his eyes. “Fuck you! You don’t know him at all.”

“Yeah? I know he hasn’t been here for you. I know he walked out on you and your mom and hasn't done squat for you since you were four. So don’t project your dad’s failings on mine; Royce has never let me down.”

Peter glared at him, inhaled and held it for a few seconds. “You’re right. Sorry, I shouldn’t have insulted your dad like that. But he's still wrong to ask you to do this. You can’t go, even just to help him out.”

The apology cooled Jason’s anger considerably. Maybe he could get Peter to understand why he had to go. “Pete, if I go, it won’t change me. What’s the harm in playing along?”

“Don’t you see? Pretending won’t work.” A note of urgency returned to Peter’s voice. “Your mom won’t be happy until you dump me and are a good little straight boy.”

“Dad promised he would help me if I go to this class.”

“Jason, he already told you that keeping your family together is important to him.” Peter moved closer, appearing like he wanted to reach out and grab Jason, but stopped before he did. “He will find some excuse to side with your mom when she comes up with something else.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” Jason’s tone caused a change in Peter’s demeanor.

“Really?” His eyes squinted again. “Aren’t you the one who said he was disappointed in you and that he wanted you to have a family? Did that suddenly change? I don’t think so. He's telling you what you want to hear until you dump me and take these classes seriously.”

Jason realized he couldn’t get angry if he expected a rationale conversation. “Calm down. I can’t say no unless I have a way to stay in school. Going to these classes won’t change me, I swear. After class I'll come over and we can laugh at how stupid they are.”

“Oh, so you think you can go to these classes and still come over here whenever you want?” The cold voice was back as he turned sideways, pressing his back against the wall.

“Pete, what’s really bothering you?” The uncaring attitude hurt. He expected more from Peter. “When you first met me you said you would help me with coming out; do whatever I needed if I would take a chance on you. Now when I need you, you're all up in my face.”

“Jason, if you go to these classes it won’t end. You have to believe me, they won’t stop making you do stuff. How long do you think it will take before they make dumping me the ultimatum?”

The hint of insecurity in Peter’s voice stung. “I won’t do that, Pete. You know I wouldn’t leave you.”

“Really, so you would give up school and soccer for me?” Peter didn’t sound convinced.

“You know I would.”

“No, I don’t.” Doubt, not anger, tinted Peter’s answer. “Going to these classes is the beginning of the end for us, I just know it. You'll slowly leave me, week by week, while I sit here trying everything to keep you.”

“No, you won’t lose me.” He would never let that happen. How could Peter even think that way?

“Yes, I will. I know what the people who run those classes are like. They’ll keep at you until you give in. Even if it’s not tomorrow or next week, or next month, they’ll sow the seed of doubt in you until you and I break up. Then they’ll pounce on you when you are hurting and try to brainwash you. Once they get their hands on you, they’ll never let go. Not until you turn against me; and yourself”

“How do I make you see I won’t let that happen?” Did Peter really think he would give in like that? It wouldn’t happen, but he wasn’t doing a good job convincing Peter.

“Don’t go to the classes.”

“Pete . . . .” Jason tried not to sound as frustrated as he felt, but failed.

The effect of his plea was immediate. Peter stiffened, then held up his hand, glaring at Jason.

“Fine, you know what; they gave you an ultimatum, so will I. It’s the classes or me. If you go to those stupid classes, we’re done. I won’t waste my life watching you wallow in self hatred until you decide to walk away.”

For a brief moment, as Jason stared at him in shock, Peter’s body language softened.

“I want to be with you, Jason, but I won’t let you hurt me like this.”

“Breaking up won’t hurt?” Jason asked, still stunned by Peter’s demand. “That will be easy?”

“Of course it will hurt, but better to deal with it now rather than later.” The look of determination on Peter’s face told Jason this was no joke. “So what’s it gonna be, Jase, me or the classes?”

“Please don’t do this, Pete. I need you to help me, not make it worse.”

“What about me?” Peter’s voice rose again. “I need you; need you not to flake out on me; need to know you won’t up and leave me because someone tells you to. Jase, we made a commitment to each other. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

“Me?” Jason didn’t try to hide his anger. How could he be accused of abandoning them when Peter was the one saying, ‘my way or the highway?’ “How about you? I’m asking you to help me, and you tell me, don’t go or else. Where’s the commitment there?”

“I’m trying to help you.”

“Telling me I have to choose isn’t helping me.” The last twenty-four hours left him frazzled. He expected Peter to understand what he was going through. More than that, he expected support, not more conflict. “Once this semester is over, I can get a job, work over the summer somewhere and tell them to kiss off if they try something like this again, but I gotta get there first.”

Peter just shook his head. “Sorry, Jase, if you give in to this, they'll keep coming at you until they get you to break up with me. You know I’m right.”

His head pounding, Jason wanted to scream. How could Peter not understand what he was trying to explain? Why was he being such an asshole about this? There was no way for him to stay in school right now, this minute, without his parents help.

“Pete, please. Don’t do this. I need you to help me through this.”

“Look, if you can’t tell them ‘No’ to this, something you hate, it will tell them you'll do whatever they want. I won’t wait around until they make me that ultimatum. If you can’t commit to me, then we're over.”

Peter’s indifference to his plight stung like a slap to the face. Of all the things that happened today, his lack of support hurt the most.

“So much for you love me no matter what.” Jason stood up and grabbed his book bag. “You know, I figured you wouldn’t be happy, but I actually thought I could rely on you for support. I thought love meant when one of us had a problem we helped each other. Obviously your idea of help is for me to do whatever you want or take a hike.”

Turning so he didn’t have to look at Peter’s face, Jason walked toward the door.

“Jason this isn’t your family asking you to do volunteer work at a charity or work for free at your dad’s firm.” His tone still angry, lecturing almost. “They are making you go to classes whose only mission is to make you straight. If you’re straight, where does that leave me?”

“I'm not going to turn straight!” Jason turned so quickly, he dropped his bag. “Why do you keep saying that?”

“You really are naive.” Peter glared at Jason as if he had been struck. “Your rich boy life has given you no clue. What, you think you're so much smarter than these people? That you’re the only one who agreed to go to make the parents happy, but wasn't going to pay attention? C’mon Jase, grow up. This is what these people do. They are prepared for you and your, ‘I’m only here because my parents are making me go’ attitude. If you go, it will change you and destroy us.”

“You don’t trust me enough to believe that won’t happen?”

“I believe you don’t think it will, but they will change you.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Jason slipped on his shoes, annoyed by the constant barrage of insults. Two hands reached around his waist just before he got to the front door.

“Jason,” Peter pulled him back a step. “I’m not trying to insult you. It’s just what they do. It’s like those fools in class you think they are smarter than the teacher. You never win that battle. The people teaching these classes are trained at this, it is what they do.”

Turning, he decided to give it one last try. “All the more reason for you to help me, so I don’t let that happen.”

Peter’s hand fell away instantly. Shaking his head, he backed away. “Jase, this is so fucking stupid. Face it, the only reason you are going . . .”

“I haven’t said I was going.”

“ . . . is to keep up your lifestyle. I never really thought of you as a spoiled rich kid, but I must be blind.”

The venom in Peter’s voice fueled Jason’s anger.

“You know, Pete, you are so fucking blind when money is involved. All you see is who has it and how much they have. This isn’t about keeping my lifestyle. It’s about keeping in school. I can’t stay in school if they stop paying for me. I told you and I keep telling you, I need to get past soccer season before I can get a job and tell them to fuck off. I can’t do that now and play soccer. If I don’t play soccer, I lose my tuition scholarship. How much fucking clearer can I make this for you?”

“That’s crap Jason, and you know it. You have money saved up, you could find a way to get through the last two months. Instead, you're taking the easy way out. Then you hide behind your dad asking you to pretend to go for the sake of the family. It’s a cop out and you know it. It all comes back to you liking your life how it is now, and not wanting to risk losing it.

“There is more to life than money, Jason. You need to see that before you make a big mistake. If you can’t see that, if you can’t understand that being happy is more important than having money, then we can’t be together.”

This was pointless. No matter how many times he told Peter, it wasn’t about his ‘lifestyle,’ he kept circling back to the money. Rather than try to beat sense into a stone, he gave up. “I need to go.”

“I’m serious, Jason.”

Spinning on his heel, Jason gave in to the urge to scream, “I FUCKING GET IT, PETE! YOUR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY! Thanks for all the help and support.”

Leaving the apartment, he took the stairs two at a time. Part of him hoped Peter would chase after him, but that wouldn’t happen. Jason knew Peter wasn’t going to beg him to come back.

He pushed the outer door open with more force than he intended. Good thing no one was coming in at that moment. Getting in his car, Jason drove off rather than sit in the lot. Right now he needed to think, staring at the door, hoping for Peter to come out would only make it harder.

Much as he knew Peter wouldn’t be happy with the news, Jason never expected to be told to choose. Maybe he didn’t know Peter as well as he thought. What happened to always being there for him? Sure this was a big deal, but if he really cared, this was the time to be supportive.

Then again, maybe he was right. Who was he kidding if he thought he could fake out Father Dennis and the others who taught the class. As Peter pointed out, Jason was surely not the first reluctant participant who thought he would go through the motions to placate an angry parent. Even if he didn’t want to change, would there be small changes that would break up him and Peter?

Problem was, if he said no to the classes, he couldn’t stay in school. Not without some other source of income.

“Fuck!” Jason smacked the steering wheel while he waited for the light to change. Barbara couldn’t have picked a worse time to force this on him. She probably planned it this way too.

When he got to his building, Darryl’s car was gone. Perfect, he didn’t want to explain things. Dropping his books on the bed, he started to lay down when he noticed a picture of him and Peter on his nightstand. Then he saw the dried flower on his dresser and a dozen other things to remind him of Peter.

He couldn’t stay here. There were too many reminders of Peter that would keep him from focusing on a solution. If he was going to figure out what to do next, he needed to get out, find somewhere quiet.

As Jason moved toward the door, he stopped and tossed his phone on the bed. Anyone who called could wait a couple hours.

Jason reached the field house before he knew it. Considerably colder since he left practice, he questioned if coming to the field to think was a good idea. His wool pea coat was warm and he remembered to bring a hat, but he’d still get cold sitting around for some time.

Peter was right; he had to stand up to his parents. Otherwise he would never get them, or more specifically his mom, to stop trying to change him. Scary as it might be, he needed to be true to himself or he would never be happy.

The walk across the field reminded him of all the support his team gave him, how they had his back from the moment he came out to them. Although he prepared to leave the team before he told his teammates, he didn’t want to think about not finishing the season or planning for his senior year. After all they went through this past year, to walk away felt wrong. Worse, it betrayed everything he tried to instill in his friends; they were a team, a team that worked together.

Through his jeans, the bench was cold, but he didn’t get up. Since he didn’t want to leave school, he needed to find a solution. What he needed was money. Enough money to get him to next semester when he could look for a job. If he could find one. The job market was worse than usual. Hopefully Coach knew a place or three he could apply.

Various ideas were considered, from selling his stuff to selling himself. The latter made him smile at the absurdity of it. That was something that only happened in movies. It would never be as glamorous, as lucrative, as easy, as easy to conceal or as safe as it was portrayed in fiction or on TV. There was no rich Richard Gere to sweep him off his feet and take care of him.

Leaving school would not sit well with his grandparents, so maybe he could ask them to help him? The only problem with asking them was he never told them he was gay. They probably wouldn’t care, he decided. They never seemed as uptight about the church as his mother did, but if they didn’t take it well, they were sure to tell their daughter. If word got back to Barbara that Jason told her parents, he’d be in worse shape than he was now.

Even if they accepted him as he figured they would, they would be mad at their daughter; Grandma Henry in particular. If she came down on Barbara, Jason was never going to make up to her. No, asking them might be a bad idea. If there were no other options, he would revisit this, but for now, he would try to find a different option.

He started to walk around the field to get some warmth in his feet, too bad his coat couldn’t keep them warm. Mentally adding up all the money he had saved, the money in his checking account - thankfully his parents already deposited his October money - and various things he thought he could sell, Jason figured he could make it through the end of March. After that, if he didn’t find a job, he would need to take drastic measures.

Selling his car was an option now that it was paid in full. The only snag was it was in both his name and his parents. Clearly his mom would never sign off on it, but even if his dad was mad at his refusal to go to the classes, Jason figured he would still sign off on selling the car. Probably. Even if he didn’t, by that point he could talk to his grandparents. Once he told his mom to forget about the classes, it wouldn’t matter what his grandparents did.

When he got too cold, he walked across campus to the Java Shack. His walk was interrupted by the wail of what sounded like a dozen sirens. He watched police cars raced toward somewhere on campus, causing cars to move quickly to the side. Fortunately it was south of the coffee shop so he ignored them.

Looking at the clock while he waited to order, he realized two hours had passed since he’d left Peter’s apartment. Probably be a good idea to work this out before it got much later. Getting his coffee to go, he started to walk home.

An ambulance flew past, heading in the same direction as the police cars. Most likely a frat party got busted and someone drank so much they needed to go to the hospital. No doubt it would be all over campus tomorrow. If that were the case, he expected a new crack down on drinking by the University and Coach Slewman. Not his problem, he had his own issues to deal with tonight.

Twice he reached for his phone to call Peter, regretting he left it home to have ‘quiet time to think.’ Darryl’s car was next to his when he reached the parking lot. Rather than risk having to talk about what happened, he decided not to go inside.

The drive seemed longer, as every stop light took twice the normal time. This was their first fight, a feeling Jason didn't like. He wanted to scream at everything slowing him down. Didn't the world know where he was going?

Peter mad at him left him uneasy. It felt wrong for them to fight like this. They were so good for each other he couldn’t understand how he let things get this far. Actually, he could. Peter was spot on; he was a spoiled rich kid who didn't want to learn to do without. Were he working to get through school, how easy would it have been to tell his mom to shove off?

Instead, she used her leverage, the power of her check book to force Jason to buckle to her wishes. She nearly got her way too. But a year with Peter taught him money didn’t matter as much as he used to believe. Money’s importance went only as far as a place to live and food to eat.

He turned the corner faster than usual, earning a scrape to the underside of his car from the slope of the entrance to Peter’s complex. Under the white of his headlights, he noticed the empty spot where Peter parked his bike.

His hand went to his pocket. “Fuck!”

What now? Did he go back for his phone or just wait? Maybe Peter would be back in a few minutes. Rather than leave, he decided to stay so he could be here when Peter returned.

Locking the car, he went inside. At the top of the stairs he wondered if he should go inside and wait. It wouldn’t be the first time he let himself inside. But this felt different. They just had a huge fight, with him leaving in a huff. What if Peter was still mad? Jason sitting on his couch wouldn’t improve his mood.

Sitting on the top step, he wished he hadn’t left his phone at home. Pulling his coat tighter he wished so many things had gone different tonight. Replaying the night’s events in his head, he closed his eyes, enjoying the relative warmth of the stairwell.

A door closing caused Jason to wake with a start. How long had he been asleep? He reached for his phone to check the time, cursing himself yet again. Whoever came in, it wasn’t Peter, he would have woken up if Peter walked past.

Shaking himself awake, he stumbled down the stairs back to his car. 10:53 p.m., the clock displayed as he started the car; almost two hours. Pete’s bike was still not there, so he hadn’t been home. Maybe Peter went to his place and was waiting with Darryl. There was no way they could reach him since in his brilliance he left his phone on his bed.

The entire ride back, Jason cursed himself. What should have been a quiet, relaxing night turned into a nightmare, courtesy of one, Barbara Tellerman. Then again, he bore some blame for being so spineless.

Peter’s bike wasn’t in his lot either. A moment of panic griped him; what if Peter decided he didn’t want to be with him anymore? What if he decided to just move on? He needed to call Peter and find out where he was so they could fix this.

Upset at himself and the situation, he opened his apartment door.

“JESUS CHRIST, JASON, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?” Darryl screamed at him.

“Geez dude, calm down, I needed a little time alone.” He couldn’t remember seeing D this upset before.

Darryl waved his arms, handing Jason his phone. “Dude, people have been calling and looking for you all night!”

Something happened, something important.

“Sorry left my phone here when . . .”

“Jason,” Darryl cut him off with as serious a face as Jason had ever seen. Something was terribly wrong. “Peter is in the hospital.”

The world seemed to stop for a moment, then the room began to pulse in an out. He heard Darryl still speaking to him, but he didn’t catch the words. All he knew was he had to find Peter.