In love with my brother - 17. Chapter 17 - Darkness

Do you know the feeling of knowing your dreaming but you can’t wake up? Or those times you’re running away, but aren’t getting anywhere, just to find out that in fact your legs aren’t moving?

I don’t know when I first noticed something was wrong. It was like I was standing behind a sheet of glass, coated with running water. Someone was on the other side, a hand flat against the glass, reaching out. With wonder, I’d raise my hand to place my palm against the glass, only my arm never moved.

‘What’s going on?’ Panic began to roll over me as I became aware something was off. I tried to move my feet, my arms, still my muscles never responded. I could feel my heartbeat rising, and static noise began filling my ears. Soon it echoed in the emptiness surrounding me. I screamed with all my might, although no sound came out. I dropped to my knees and curled into a ball, to protect myself, to make it all go away, except I never moved.

For a long time, I felt myself slip in and out of consciousness. It was like a slowly pulsing awareness which drew my attention away from myself. As I slowly calmed down, I began to notice that the static noise had faded out. And little by little, familiar sounds started to fill the emptiness around me. Peaked with curiosity I began listening. At first I could only make out what sounded like a constant buzzing. Although it was annoying, it was just a dull background noise and I soon got used to it. Then other sounds, distant footsteps, the sound of a chair on the floor and — voices, I realized. I concentrated only on the voices, straining to hear the words. But it took a lot of effort and the moments of awareness became shorter.

One time I noticed there was only one voice. I concentrated on that single sound and found, for the first time, words were starting to form.

“… seen … later … awesome …” There was something familiar about the sound of the words. I concentrated harder. “It’s not like … I hang out … the rest of them, but it’s not the same. Actually, I prefer to be here. It’s lonely, but you’ll never be a better listener than now, right?”

‘Sean?’ Oh my god, it was Sean. Someone I knew. ‘What is going on?’ I wanted to scream at him, but I still couldn’t make my body respond.

“Oh, by the way, since visits are restricted, everyone wrote a get-well-soon note.” A moment later he began to read. The content of the notes didn’t really matter, I listened because I could hear Sean — I could hear him. I was in awe. I was so happy, I could do nothing but listen to his voice. I closed my eyes and just — listened.

From then on it became easier and easier, to focus on the voices around me. Mom came by frequently, sometimes talking a lot, others in silence, except for a lot of sobbing. Mostly she rambled about a lot of stuff I had no interest in, but I suspected that it was to keep herself together while around me.

Things had been silent for some time, with no visits. It could’ve been for hours or days, I had no way of knowing, since I had no sense of time. I had been concentrating on the feeling of my body. It was odd, I did manage to get some sense of feeling. It was a like when your foot has fallen asleep and you touch it. You’re registering that something is touching, but you can’t actually feel it.

And then one time, someone came by and just sat there, holding my hand, for a very long time. It was a little awkward although I didn’t mind the silent company. For all the time the person sat there I had no idea who it was, until he spoke right before leaving.

“He’s not doing well with you holed up here son, so wake up soon.”

‘Danny?’ I had no idea what he was talking about. I still didn’t know what was going on. I wondered who was not doing well, since everyone had seemed fine to me.

For a long time I brooded about what Danny had said. I racked my brain, something was there, a feeling, just under the surface, however I couldn’t reach it. It was so hard to be fighting myself like this. ‘If only he was here.’

‘He, who?’ Who had just crossed my mind?

‘Wait, just calm down.’ I let the emptiness swallow me up. I forced myself not to think of anything, and slowly an image started to take form. The faint feeling of a touch, a memory of a whisper. I reached out towards the image. My arm didn’t move. I screamed, a soundless act of frustration. ‘Anikin!’ Where was he? Why hadn’t I heard his voice yet. Where the hell was I?

‘Nowhere. You are emptiness, emptiness is you.’ I could feel my sanity starting to slip. But Danny had reminded me of what was most important in my life. I wanted to hear his voice, only his.

So, I waited.

***

I slowly became cognizant of the emptiness, and realized I was conscious again. It took me a moment to notice something was touching me. Something was slowly stroking the back of my hand. As I realized what it was, adrenaline shot through my body and my heart skipped a beat before going on a rampage. The static noise became louder, and more insistent than it had before. His hand slipped from mine.

‘Anikin? Anikin! What happened, come back!’ I curled up in an attempt to shield my mind from the chaos, scared and unable to help myself. I slowly calmed and the static noise began to fade back into background noise.

“Don’t freaking scare me like that.” His voice was pitched with fear. There was a loud screeching noise before his hand slid back into mine.

I unfurled myself. Relishing in his touch. The stroking started again and he was silent for a while. Then suddenly, his grip on my hand tightened, it almost felt like it hurt and Anikin started to cry. If anything had ever been hard, this had to be the worst. Anikin gave it all up and broke down. I knew I was unable to do anything to help him, although I still didn’t understand why.

After what must have been a very long time, I think Anikin fell asleep. He went silent and his hand became lax in mine. I stayed aware, hoping I wasn’t going to slip away while Anikin was here. I focused on the heat of his skin against my hand and rejoiced in the happiness it gave me. Oddly enough the feeling in my hand started to change. It became more – real, somehow. Anikin suddenly moved.

“Love?” The static noise became louder again and I tried to curl back up, but couldn’t. “Nurse!” Anikin’s voice cut through the noise.

Nurse? Was I in the hospital? ‘Why am I in the hospital?’ The confusion made it all swirl. ‘What is wrong with me?’

“I swear, he woke me up with a move of his hand” Anikin didn’t get an answer right away.

“Well, there has been a very slight change in breathing and heart rate, but he’s in a coma Mr. Marshall. It might not mean anything.” Her answer didn’t exactly encourage hope. “But just looking at his face, I’d say he’s happy that you are here. Give him something to fight for and I’m sure he’ll come around.”

‘A coma? How the fuck did I end up in a coma?’

“Thank you.” Anikin’s answer was the last I heard before my awareness drifted away again.

***

Things slowly started to change for me. My senses started to sharpen, I could feel more and my sense of smell began to work as well. But as the world around the emptiness became more real, memories began to return, filling the darkness with ghosts and nightmares.

The look on Tina’s face haunted me when the world around me had gone silent, and I would fall — over and over. All I wanted was to be in Anikin’s arms and let him chase away the fear and fill my world with love.

And one time when I became aware, I was so disappointed I would’ve cried if I could. The familiar smell of Anikin filled my nose, and I believed I was going to find myself in bed next to him when I opened my eyes. Only I never did, I couldn’t open my eyes. There was only the emptiness.

‘No more.’ The whisper in my head echoed. I gave up, ready to let the depression suck me in, However I was torn from approaching the darkness by Anikin’s voice suddenly announcing a king being a match to a queen.

All bad thoughts were forgotten. Peaked by curiosity, I listened intently to what he was saying. He went on talking about pairs and draws, and after a minute I realized he was explaining the rules in a card game. The distinctive sound of cards being mixed gave him away.

“We’ll play with open cards for a while, until you get it, ‘kay.” I wanted to laugh, how could we play closed cards when I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even see the damn cards. I felt my insides choke up with a mixture of love and melancholy. I wanted so bad to be out there in the world with him, but I didn’t know how. He was trying so hard to lighten the mood, but with the first night clear in my memories and the sound of him crying still ringing in my ears, it was very hard to be encouraged.

“You sure are in high spirits today, young man.” A male voice reached me from a distance.

“Sure am, Sir. Sometimes a bright mood might make a difference for someone else.” Anikin played the game for some time, but I could hear in his voice as it became harder to keep the mood high. And when he announced that he needed to get something to eat, I let the nothingness grab hold of me again.

***

As time went by I noticed that Anikin never left my side for more than a short while. He was almost always there when I came around. I came to understand that the evenings were the hardest for him to handle. I presume it was easy to keep it together with people around and someone else to talk to for a while. But when the lights were out and it was only him and me, in our sweet intimate time, his defenses broke down and I was the only one there to witness his tears.

“Dominic, please, I can’t do this much longer. Don’t make me give up, I beg you. I am trying. But — it’s hard, my heart can’t take it much longer.” What was he saying, was he going to leave me. I felt something pressed against my lips. “I love you. Come back, please. I can’t — I can’t cope without you. You’re… my everything. Please don’t take it away from me.” Anikin’s hand slipped from mine and he disappeared. I could no longer sense him. A strange feeling of panic spread in my body. The pain I felt at the thought of him leaving me, was too much to handle. My consciousness tore itself to shreds and everything turned into a dull darkness. No emptiness. No sounds. No nothing. Only heavy blackness.

***

A beeping sound was ripping in my ears and my head was hurting. My lungs burned for every ragged and rasping breath. With a small moan of displeasure, I slowly opened my eyes, eyelids feeling like they weighed a ton. But finally, I could see. In spite of the dark in the room, I managed to make out blurry shapes in the dim light, coming from somewhere to my left. I was so tired, but I wanted to know where I was. The smell was awful, something sour that tore at my nose mixed with the odd smell of hospitals. It made me feel nauseous. As my sight adjusted and I could finally move my head, I noticed someone at my side. I stared at the sleeping face for a long time before I recognized it.

I felt a very small twist of my mouth as I smiled.

“Anikin.” I tried to call him, but it only became a soundless whisper. His hand was wrapped around mine. His breath caressed my knuckles with my fingers pressed to his lips. I slowly willed my index finger to move, grazed it against his bearded cheek a few times, before it became too hard and I gave up. Anikin moaned and slowly opened his eyes.

“Dominic?” His voice was growly with sleep, he slowly straightened and looked up at my face. A second went by before his eyes focused and his gaze found mine. He blinked hard a few times and his eyes went first big, then shiny with tears.

“Dom.” My name slipped across his lips in a very small, very pathetic sound before he started crying uncontrollably. A second later he filled all my senses as he cupped my face and kissed it all over, leaving traces of tears everywhere.

“I’ll go get a nurse.” Another sobbing voice sounded from my right. The voice was familiar but I couldn’t place it and I was too busy being loved on by Anikin, to even try and get a look. I just lay there. I couldn’t move, couldn’t even speak. When the nurse came to the room Anikin had settled on the bed, next to me. His forehead against my temple and his arm hugging me tight to his chest.

I felt a hand slip into my right and I shifted my gaze to see who was there.

“Welcome back.” Tamaki smiled at me from the chair, his eyes puffy from recent crying. I couldn’t smile back so I just twitched my fingers in an attempt to squeeze his hand and closed my eyes, enjoying this happy moment.

After getting Anikin to move off the bed, the nurse offered me some ice chips. It felt good in my dry mouth. Silently she checked my eye sight and vitals to ensure my basic health condition was stable. Anikin and Tamaki remained by my side and watched, eager to get positive answers regarding my situation.

“Everything looks fine. The doctor will be here shortly,” the nurse finally said and left. Anikin came back to my side, grabbed my hand, and kissed it before pressing my palm against his cheek. He looked up and met my gaze, his eyes tearing again and a grateful smile on his lips.

“Welcome back,” he whispered.

“I’m home.” I managed to rasp before I happily drifted into a dreamless sleep, not caring I’d miss the doctor.

***

I’d slept for a few hours, I guess. The nurse was there to greet me when I opened my eyes. She gave me something to drink and checked my vitals again.

“You seem to be doing just fine Dominic. No need to worry, you’ll be good as new in no time.”

“Anikin?” I asked, my voice still weak, but working.

“I’ll go get him for you.” She smiled and left. I lay still, waiting, for some time. Then Anikin peaked through the door. I smiled when our gazes met.

“Dom.” He quickly came to sit by my side. “How are you, love?” I didn’t answer right away.

“Hurts…” I rasped and a panicky look took over his features.

“I’ll go get the nurse,” he said and got up, but I tightened my grip on his hand.

“No,” I protested. Anikin sat back down, a worried look still on his face. “I was here – all the time.” I whispered, tears started to cloud my vision, but I didn’t take my eyes off his. A moment went by before he realized what I’d meant.

“Oh my … I am so sorry, Love. I’m so sorry.” He climbed up in the bed and settled next to me. Neither of us spoke again. I must have fallen back to sleep, because next, the sound of loud voices woke me up.

I slowly opened my eyes and found Mom and Anikin in a confrontation.

“Norah, please. Not…” The sound of her palm colliding with his face almost echoed through the room. My heartbeat picked up. What was she doing, I didn’t want her hurting him.

“My son, Anikin. MY SON. How could you!” How did Mom found out?

“Please listen, Norah. I…”

“No, Anikin! You’ve crossed the line. Get out.” Anikin straightened, realizing he could say nothing else. I didn’t want him to leave. I filled my lounges, trying to yell at Mom.

“What on earth is going on in here?” An older nurse entered the room, clearly distressed over the noise. “This is a hospital! Please show some respect for the patients, otherwise I will have to ask you to leave.”

Mom stared angrily at Anikin. “Please remove this person from the room. He is not blood related and has no right to be here.” Mom said to the nurse, who reached out to guide Anikin from the room.

“No!” It was a breathy rasp, but loud enough that they all turned.

I met Mom’s gaze. Her face turned into a weeping grimace right away and she hurried to embrace me, and kiss my face all over. Anikin remained standing at the same spot. Mom turned to look at him when she was done greeting me.

“We’ll talk about this later.” She stated and sat down in the chair next to me. She was still angry but I was not letting her do this to Anikin.

“No, Mom. We’ll talk now!” I rasped and met her gaze. I felt weak and exhausted, but I fought it off, I needed to say this now.

“It doesn’t matter, Hon. You need to rest.” She took my hand in hers. I pulled away, needing to make a statement.

“Of course, it matters. I’m lying in a hospital bed and your arguing with my boyfriend, how is this going to help my healing?”

“I’m…” She trailed off.

“It’s not his fault. I’m the one who — fell in love and confessed. I was the one who chased after him not the other way around.” I swallowed hard. Talking was difficult. Anikin rushed to my side.

“Enough, Love.” He put the glass of water to my lips and I drank willingly. “You’ve said it, now rest. We’ll talk about it later.” I smiled at him and drifted off.

***

The next day, after I’d gone for an MRI scan, the doctor came to see me. Anikin had brought me lunch and was helping me eat.

“It’s good to see you awake and on the mend, Mr. Westwood,” the doctor greeted and flipped through the papers in my file.

“How long was I out?” I asked, my voice was still hoarse, but talking was easier and didn’t drain me as much anymore.

Anikin was the one who answered, his voice low and sorrowful. “About three months.” I turned to stare at him.

“Three months?” I slumped back on the bed.

“But it seems you’re going to be all right Mr. Westwood,” the doctor reassured. “Your femur is healing nicely and your brain swelling has gone right down. However, the swelling has caused some nerve damage. It’s not critical, but you’re going to have to learn how to walk again. We’ve signed you up for rehabilitation to help you recover.”

‘Broken femur? Brain swelling?’ I was happy I didn’t remember any of that actually happening to me.

“What are the chances that I’ll have permanent damage?”

“It’s hard to say Mr. Westwood. But I’d say your chances for a full recovery are pretty good. A slight limp might be worst case scenario. If, that is, the rehabilitation goes as planned and you don’t overexert yourself.”

“When can he come home, Doctor?” Anikin asked.

“We’ll let time tell, Mr. Marshall. If everything goes well – maybe in two weeks’ time. But it all depends on Mr. Westwood’s recovery.”

“At least that’s good news.”

“I have to move on. You both have a nice day, and I’ll see you soon Mr. Westwood.” The Doctor left and Anikin and I were alone again.

“Three months Anikin… What about school? — What if I never walk again?”

“The Doctor said your chances were pretty good. And we’ll deal with school when the time comes. The most important thing is I get you home happy and healthy.” He shifted and took me in his arms, sitting on the edge of the bed

***.

Later that afternoon I sent Anikin home to tend for himself. He needed a shower, a shave and a proper sleep. He had only just left the room when I heard his voice.

“Norah.” His greeting was polite but indifferent.

“Anikin.” Mom greeted as well, and then a moment later she continued. “Listen, yesterday was… I shouldn’t have hit you. I’m sorry.” Anikin didn’t give her a verbal answer so I couldn’t know if he forgave her, and the next moment I had other things to deal with, when Mom entered the room.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” I asked.

“I took time off. We need to talk about this… about what happened yesterday.” She sat down in the chair Anikin had just vacated and met my gaze.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“There is everything to talk about. Firstly, you didn’t even tell me you two were dating.”

“I wonder why.” I hoped she noticed the sarcasm. “But now you now,” I offered. I hoped she would just leave it at that, but I had a feeling she wouldn’t.

“But, Dominic, he’s your brother.” Mom Pleaded.

“Technically he’s not. Listen, I’m not asking you to understand it, I’m just asking you to accept that this was – is – my choice and that I’m happy. And if you can’t do that I’m not going to force you to deal with it. But, both Anikin and I are very serious about this relationship and it’s not going to change anytime soon.” Mom sighed and leaned back.

“I’ll try, Hon. But give me some time, it was a big shock. It’s one thing to know that you are gay, another to know you are dating your brother, though.”

“He’s not my brother,” I retaliated drily. The look she gave me then, gave me the feeling this wasn’t going to be the last time we were going to discuss this before she was going to accept our relationship.

***

During the next week, I came to feel much better. My headaches weren’t so bad anymore and I slowly gained my strength.

The cause of me being hospitalized wasn’t brought up, I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. No one mentioned it or asked questions. Not even Anikin, even though he was there to witness my panic attacks when I often woke up from nightmares.

I began my rehabilitation program while still in the hospital. I wanted to bring Anikin along for support, but couldn’t get permission. The doctors believed I would get a better result from fighting on my own, “No one there to feel sympathy,” they said and this caused problems for me. So, I was left alone, to find the strength not to give up, with only the trainer to urge me on. Each time I didn’t manage to succeed in getting my body to comply, I had fits caused by anger and frustration, which only led to me having to remain in the hospital. My rehab was just as hard mentally as it was physically. I came to understand what the doctor had meant, when he said I didn’t need the sympathy. I agreed, I definitely didn’t need that. Eventually tough, I did manage to get enough control of my left my leg to be able to walk with crutches.

“I’d say you’re ready to go home Mr. Westwood. You should expect a slight limp caused by the nerve damage, but otherwise you should have a full recovery.” He arranged a new schedule for my rehabilitation program and an appointment for a recheck. After that, I was finally released and could go home.