The Hidden Ones: The Spotlight - 24. Tour Life

------Ryder-------

It’s a feeling I don’t think I’ll ever get used to. The adrenaline pumping, heart racing, people screaming for me. I never thought in a million years I would get to do anything like this. Yet here I am opening for one of my favorite bands in a festival I’ve been going to ever since I was old enough to take the bus by myself. I smiled towards Brandon as our second to last song came to an end.

“Pittsburgh!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. “Are you ready for Beartooth?” I asked as the screams grew even louder. “Well we’ve got one more until then.” I forced out. “This one’s Surrender.”

I couldn’t help but get lost in it all as the crowd moshed along to a song they’ve probably never heard before. Sure it’s one of the songs getting crazy radio time, but that doesn’t mean people are actually listening. That doesn’t matter to me right now though. Whether they’ve heard it or not, I’m going to make sure they remember it.

I hit it into overdrive, jumping around and giving the crowd whatever I had left. If this is it, if this is the only tour I ever get to go on, I’ll make sure I leave my mark. As the song finally came to an end, and I gave my closing words I couldn’t help but smile at the crowd. Just like every city before they reached out to me. For the first time in my life I feel like I actually have a shot at making it as a singer. I won’t let anything hold me back. Whatever I need to do, I’ll do it.

“Great shit kid!” Tommy yelped, wrapping his arm around me as we walked back stage. “Is there ever any quit in you?”

“No.” A voice answered before I had to chance to. As I looked up I felt myself grow speechless. “It’s been a few shows and eight days, but I’m yet to meet you Ryder Sullivan.” The bigger man forced a smiled and extended his hand. “I’m Caleb.”

I stood there star struck for a few second before finally forcing out my hand and shaking. “You, I, I really love Beartooth.” I managed to let out, meeting the lead singer to one of my favorite bands.

“Oh god,” Brandon exhaled, pushing past me. “I think you broke our singer.”

“Shut up,” I shook my head turning towards him. “I’m just, I write all my songs like you do.” I gasped turning back towards Caleb. “Once I saw you do it, I knew I had to try it, but you do it so much better,”

“I wouldn’t say that.” He interrupted. “You’re here off of just an E.P., it took us a whole album. Don’t sell yourself short.”

“I, um, yes.” I nodded, still too nervous to speak.

His smile grew a little wider as he saw the nervousness in my face and nodded his head. “You remind me of Oli Sykes, I don’t know if you know,”

“I know Bring Me the Horizon.” I quickly forced out, growing weak at the knees from the comparison. “But I’m nowhere as good as him. He-he’s untouchable. Their songs and concerts, they’re like-like, therapy.”

“And yours aren’t?” He provoked, giving me a nod of approval. “We pushed to keep you guys on for a reason.”

“The reason being?” Zach lead, as the guys blew off Caleb like he was any other musician.

“Ryder gives off the same amount of emotion and anger Oli lets off and then some. Yet he still has the powerful stage presence of Corey Taylor, Johnathan Davis, Ozzy Osbourne. It doesn’t make sense, but he does.” Caleb shook his head and gave me a friendly nudge. “And that friend of yours made sure I knew it.”

“Friend?” I asked, tilting my head slightly.

Caleb nodded his head and tried to remember how to describe the stranger. “About your height, colorful shirt, seemed kind of preppy to be completely honest.”

“Teddy,” Brandon sighed shaking his head.

“Oh,” I let out as a blush grew on my face. “Yeah that was my boyfriend. I, uh, he doesn’t like rock, but he’s really supportive.”

“Well he thinks really highly of you.” Caleb encouraged as a bashful smile grew on my face. “Keep him around, he’ll help you stay grounded.” He advised before giving me another friendly pat. Before I knew it he disappeared further backstage to get ready for his own set.

“Uh oh.” Brandon teased, jumping to his feet and giving me a shove. “Ryder’s all sorts of broken now. First he meets his idol, then his idol brings up his boyfriend!”

“He’s not my idol.” I grumbled, trying to straighten myself back up. “He’s been in the scene since he was like twelve, I just want to have that kind of success okay?”

“Mhm.” Tommy sarcastically hummed, looking at Brandon and raising his eyebrows.

Brandon shook his head and forced a smile. “Kid, you don’t need to measure yourself to any of them,” He slowly walked over and gave me a light shove. “Have you seen the crowds lately. Your names getting around, people know you and they’re coming to our sets to see if you live up to expectations. Stop thinking about your idols and start making our own path.”

I slowly nodded my head and thought about what that would mean. All the albums I dreamed of making, from their track list to their design and name. Now those are more than just fantasies, I’m going to make them realities. “This is your band now.” Zach spoke up, carefully studying my quiet moment. “Take us somewhere good.”

I gulped hard as I felt the pressure fall on my shoulders and nodded once more. “I will. We’ll go heavy, and we’ll be like,”

“You’re missing the point kid.” Tommy laughed, shaking his head. “We don’t want you to be like anyone. We want Ryder Sullivan. Have you even noticed which of our songs have been doing well?”

“The heavier ones?” I guessed, not having paid any attention to it.

“The songs where you sing about your shit.” Joe added in. “You’re giving a voice to kids who don’t know how to talk. You’re teaching them to say that it’s not okay. We’ve all got shit Ryder, but you, you know how to articulate yours.”

“No one wants to hear about my problems.” I mumbled, as my eyes fell.

“No, but they want to hear you sing about them.” Brandon smirked, grabbing a hold of my arm and forcing me to follow him. “Let’s go man the booth, I get the feeling you’re going to be signing autographs.”

“People in Albany were just weird.” I forced out, remembering the people getting me to sign everything and anything. “This is Pittsburgh. No one here is actually going to give,”

“Just you wait.” Brandon instructed, as we saw a line begin to take shape in front of our tent. “You’re slowly starting to blow up, and they want to meet you before you do.”

I shook my head, and bit my tongue but quickly took a seat in the metal seat anyway. The first few people were quiet and shy, just trying to shake our hands and buy our E.P. but as the more hardcore fans got to the front I felt the dynamic of the moment shift. People went from shy “Hellos” to wanting pictures and autographs. Some would tell us what they loved about us, and others what they hated.

Brandon nudged me as a nervous teen forced himself to take a few steps in front of us. “Hey man.” Brandon greeted. “What can we do for you?”

“Uh, can I get, um,” The teen trembled, his nerves and anxieties clearly getting the better of him. “can I get, uh, just, sorry, I shouldn’t’ve,” he began, as the long line behind him grew restless.

“Wait.” I finally spoke, reaching out and lightly grabbing his arm. “It’s cool, just take your time.”

The kid took a deep breath before finally composing himself. ”I, um, can I get an E.P.?”

“Sure thing.” Brandon nodded, signing an album before sliding it to me and taking his money.

“Don’t worry about everyone else on the line.” I spoke up, still trying my hardest to perfect a signature. “They can wait.”

“I’m, I wasn’t nervous about them, I um, I was nervous to meet you two.” He forced out. “I’ve been listening to your E.P. on Spotify since it came out.” He gulped, forcing himself to look me in the eyes. “You, Thank you.”

“You’re welcome?” I tilted my head not understanding what he was going on about.

“Thank you.” He repeated shaking his head. “Your songs, they, I connect with them. Just, please keep making music.”

“Always.” I forced a smile. “And try not to think too much. I’m just like you. I, when things feel dark, just hold on man, things work out.”

He caught my smile as a blush grew on his face. He went to say something, but couldn’t manage the words. He nodded one more time before quietly shuffling away. “Told you people like to hear about your shit.” Zach whispered, giving my chair a good push as he joined us.

“There you are.” Brandon exhaled, hearing the rumblings of the last few bands off in the distance. “We’ve been looking for you for like an hour.”

“Yeah.” I shrugged, gently kicking my feet as I sat in the trunk of our van. “I just needed some time by myself.”

“Sure you weren’t face timing with Teddy?” He teased, trouble growing in his eyes.

I quietly shook my head. “He’s at lacrosse practice.”

“So you tried face timing him is what I’m hearing.” He taunted, trying his hardest to look at the phone in my hand.

“I came here to be alone, not for you to make fun of,”

“It’s okay, I’m just busting your balls.” He laughed, hopping into the trunk and sitting next to me. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I muttered, slowly kicking my feet.

“I won’t make fun of you. I promise.” He exhaled, but I kept my silence. A few minutes passed before he let out another breath. “I was just like you when I was eighteen.” He began, not sure where to start. “So anxious, so depressed. There were so many nights I just wanted to grab a rope and hang myself in the woods outside my house. So many nights I thought of doing it.” He let out, emotion beginning to soak his words. “I know there are times where you feel alone, and I know how those nights feel. Everyone in this band does, it’s why we all look up to you.” He shook his head. “The only difference between you and us is that you didn’t run away from your problems. Me and the guys started this band, and immediately drove around the country for years, trying to make ourselves feel better but you, you. Ryder, you’re facing your issues head on. You sing about them every time you step on stage. You wear your heart on your sleeve. So if there’s even five minutes where you just need to be weak, and vent, I’m here to listen.”

I bit down hard on my lip as his words jumbled around in my head. “I can’t do this without Teddy.” I finally forced out, hands starting to shake. “This has been the best thing to ever happen to me, but without Teddy here I can’t, I just can’t enjoy it.” I shook my head, and tried to hide my face. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have people asking for my autograph, and crowds that like our music, but I, I can’t find happiness without him.”

“You’re just overthinking it is all.” Brandon shrugged. “It’s, it’s like a rock in your shoe! You’re just focusing on it so it hurts more right now, but sometimes if you don’t pay attention to it you can hardly feel it!”

“So Teddy’s a rock in my shoe?” I asked, not quite understanding the analogy.

“No, well, kind of,” Brandon stuttered, trying to figure out an easier way to explain it. “This morning when we were touring Pittsburgh you were smiling and laughing because it was off your mind, but ever since Caleb brought him up you’ve been in another world. You can enjoy this without him, you just have to stop thinking about it so much.”

“I don’t think that’s possible.” I bashfully admitted.

“Sure it is, because it’s not your mind thinking about him, it’s your anxiety.” I turned towards him and connected eyes as he began to make sense. “The rational part of you knows that he loves you, and that he’s not going anywhere. But that irrational side of you, the part that thinks he hates you, it won’t stop bringing him up. It’ll torture you with the idea just because it can.”

My eyes fell once again as he hit the nail on the head. “How do I stop it?”

“You’re on a million pills for it.” Brandon shrugged, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small white cigarette. “Why not try something a little more organic?”

“Nicotine isn’t,”

“This is weed dumbass.” He giggled, putting it up to his mouth and lighting it. “I started smoking weed three years ago, and let me tell you, nothing stops an anxiety attack like a joint.”

“I thought people said that hurts anxiety.” I nervously forced out, watching him take a few hits.

“Depends on the person.” He shrugged once more. “But you’re already close to having an anxiety attack anyway, so what’s the damage in trying?”

“Is it addictive?” I poked, taking a longer look at the small rolled paper.

“No.” He laughed, shaking his head. “It’s like everything else on earth. Don’t abuse it and you’ll be okay.” He took it out of his mouth and handed it to me. “Just put it to your lips, and inhale into your lungs. Hold it there, and then just exhale all your problems. ”I nervously took it from him and he nodded in approval. “Just breathe kid.” I took in my first hit but the second I went to hold it immediately started coughing. The taste stung my tongue as cough after cough passed. “First times always the roughest.” Brandon giggled, encouraging me to take another.

One by one the hits got easier and easier, that is until we hit the end of the cigarette. At first I didn’t feel anything. Things just felt, well, slower. Like time had finally slowed down, as if the world was grinding to a halt. “I don’t know if I like this.” I forced out, unsure if I had even spoken.

“Just relax.” Brandon comforted, lying back in the truck. “You just played warped tour man. Just lay back and listen to the last of the music.”

“Yeah?” I asked, letting my body fall back onto the truck. “What if someone smells it?”

“We’re at warped tour!” he repeated. “You know how many bands smoke weed? As long as it’s not anything hard we’re fine.”

“Okay.” I nervously nodded, as I felt my muscles begin to twitch with energy. “This isn’t like I thought it’d be.” I began, noticing my legs and arms lightly spasming then resting.

“Your body’s just getting a rush of energy, it’ll stop soon.” He forced out, beginning to enter into his own little world.

I did as instructed and before I knew it my mind was empty. For the first time in my life everything was quiet, and all I could hear where the screams from the nearby crowds. I get to play for those crowds. I get to make them scream like that. I’m a rock star, I’m totally going to be a rock star. For the first time in my life people will be screaming for me. They’ll be saying my name. I’ll be the popular one, and everyone back at Hudson can go fuck themselves. I’ll show them who I am, and I’ll make them regret every second of hating me. They created this monster, and now they’re going to pay for it. They’re going to pretend like they liked me, like they knew me, but everyone will know it’s all lies. They’ll all turn on one another. I’ll be the king of Hudson. I’ll be the king of New Jersey. I’ll be the king of rock music.

“Hey.” I forced out, causing Brandon to look over at me. “Our first album is going fucking platinum.”

Brandon let out a soft laugh. “The last metal or rock album to go platinum was like, Linkin Park. There’s no way we could do that. The world’s not the same.”

“It is.” I forced out, amazed I was even able to force out words. “There just hasn’t been good enough song writers.”

“And you think you’re better then all them?” He skeptically asked, seeing my confidence for the first time.

“We have five songs and our E.P. numbers are in the hundreds, we might even been close to a thousand. Just wait until we have a twelve song album.” I fantasized. “And Pill in Ibiza hasn’t even hit the pop main stream yet.”

“If it hasn’t yet that means it never will.” Brandon rolled his eyes, and turned back towards the ceiling.

“It will.” I let out in a strict voice. “Trust me. We’re going to be the biggest band in the world. Just you wait.”

Another laugh escaped his lips as he heard my words. “We don’t have the talent. I’m not a good enough bassist, and the rest of the guys,”

“That doesn’t matter.” I cut off. “I write everything anyway. Just follow what I write and we’ll be fine.”

He turned back towards me and locked eyes. “You think you’re that good.”

“I’ll die trying.” I confirmed, refusing to back down.

“I don’t know if this shit is laced or not, but weed brought out something fierce in you.” He exhaled, scooting back slightly.

“It cleared my head.” I shrugged. “The writing is on the walls for us. We’re drawing crowds left and right. We just need to capitalize.”

“Well where you go we’ll follow.” Brandon nodded with a smile.

That night when I finally came down from my high, and we packed up out tent I couldn’t help but drag my feet outside the van. “Either go call your family, or get in.” Zach exhaled, eager to get on the road. “If you go call Teddy, Brandon will go call his sister, and Tommy will call his mom, so it works. Just hurry!”

“Alright alright.” I waived off. Relieved that they wouldn’t give me shit for holding them back. I couldn’t help but smile as my phone began to ring. It took a minute of walking around, but when I finally found a stable connection I took a seat in the dimly light lot and waited for my phone to work its magic. “Fancy seeing you here.” Teddy teased. It was clear by the look on his face he hadn’t had time to shower after practice. His usually styled hat lay flat on his head from the helmet, while back paint smudged his cheeks. “It’s rude to stare.”

“Sorry.” I giggled. “I was just, I, you usually don’t let me see you after practice.”

“Well I was going to shower.” He shrugged. “But that can wait.”

“I mean you can always face time while you’re in the shower.” I teased, with a laugh of my own.

A small blush formed on his face and he shook his head. “I’m going to chalk that up to exhaustion.” He laughed. “You do look really really tired though. Have you not eaten or something?”

“No.” I quickly shot down, realizing that this afternoon’s high had wiped me of energy. “Just all day in the sun, you know how it goes.”

“Okay.” He cautiously observed. “Just make sure you’re drinking water, okay?”

“Got it.” I nodded with a smile. “So how was practice?”

“Normal.” He shrugged. “Hey! Who usually puts the groceries away in your house?” he let out, as though he had remembered something important.

“Depends.” I thought it over carefully, worried about the reason he was asking. “Usually me, but my grandma does it a lot too. Why?”

“She put all the vegetables in the freezer. I think she got confused and thought it was the fridge.” He explained, as a layer of concern entered his face. “Has she ever done that before?”

“Oh she does that all the time.” I waved off. “She just says it makes them stay good for longer, you know? Then she forgets she did it, and blames me.” I lied, more to myself than him. “She’s totally crazy, but her minds still sharp. Besides she’s young. She’s like just barely over seventy.”

“Yeah.” Teddy forced a smile, letting his worries fade. “She’s a funny lady.”

I threw my head back and groaned. “What’d she say now?”

“Just the usual, she wants me to do a séance with her.” He giggled, real smile replacing the fake one.

“What’d you say?” I quickly asked, knowing I would get pulled into it.

“I had to say yes!” he exclaimed. “She was so excited!”

“Great!” I yelped. “Now I have to do it too. I totally have no problem with you calling her crazy, and not spending much time with her.”

“Hey!” he giggled. “I like her. She reminds me of you.”

“Wow.” I forced out through laughter. “Now that wasn’t a compliment.”

“Oh shut up.” He teased, before letting silence take the air. “I miss you Ryder.”

“I miss you too.” I exhaled. As our eyes connected I couldn’t help but wish I was with him. There’s always an emptiness to these calls. A part of me that just wants to hold him but can’t. Sometimes I wonder if they do more bad than good. “I’ll be home soon.” I forced. “You know I will.”

“I’m counting down the days.” He admitted. The look in his eyes sent the pain right back into my heart. As if being away from him isn’t hard enough, seeing the pain in his eyes, seeing him by himself, it makes it so much worse. I mean he can have any guy he wants. So why me? Why someone he barely gets to see. “Stop staring off like that.” He interrupted. “It makes me think you’re looking at other guys.”

“There’s not another soul I would look at.” I smiled, realizing he must be going through the same struggle as me.

“Me neither.” He encouraged as my smile spread to him.

I’m not just doing this for me. I’m not becoming a rockstar alone. I’m doing this for him. Because he believes in me. He pulled me out of the darkness and put me in the light. I’ll never forget that. I’ll never stop caring about him.