Exes and Ohs - 8. Chapter 8 Battle Fatigue

                                                                                                                                                                  ***

Drake sat back down once Richard was out of sight, taking a deep breath and emptying his mind. The sudden spooky staccato call of a Black-crowned Night Heron, yearly residents of the golf course, ended his brief respite with a shiver. The first thought to float back in was the fact he was still in Richard’s heart. What did it mean? It could be taken as innocuous, but it hadn’t felt that way when he’d said it. He could be wrong, but what he saw in that instant was a man still struggling.

Richard had been an incredible lover, enthusiastic in all aspects of their sexual life, so how could he have put that aside and moved on? He’d liked to have heard the therapist’s explanation for himself, because his kiss—and the subsequent conversation—had him thinking the man wasn’t as straight as he’d made it sound.

At any rate, it wasn’t Drake’s problem, not anymore. That had been his old life, and he’d told the truth when he said Richard had no place left in his heart. His thoughts went to Jimmy. What would he think of Richard kissing him? He pictured him chomping at the bit to hear how the talk went, and the thought warmed him.

Rising, more relaxed than he’d felt all day, he strolled back towards the sounds of music and people laughing. The sun was close to setting, and there were only few people left on the practice green as he reached the patio.

Stepping through the doorway, he saw the party was in full swing, and his eyes immediately found Jimmy on the dance floor, sans jacket, laughing and moving beautifully to the rhythm of Bruno Mar’s “24 Karat Magic.” It made him smile as he watched him and his partner, the bridesmaid whose name he remembered as Bindy. She danced just as well, her sinuous movements synced with Jimmy’s.

The smile slipped as the song morphed into a ballad and the pair moved into a close embrace. They looked good together… no, they looked great together, and Drake felt a surge of jealousy at the sight of the handsome man holding the beautiful woman so tightly. When Jimmy spun and dipped her, their lower bodies molded together as he supported her back with his hand. It looked intimate, and there was no denying the sight distressed him. Any fool could see Bindy was smitten. Confused, he moved back out of the doorway.

He felt ill as he sat down in the far corner of the deserted patio under a sun umbrella that was off duty until morning. Jealousy? This was getting out of control. He should be pleased Jimmy was enjoying himself. He shouldn’t have expected his friend would be anxiously waiting for him to return. That was ridiculous, but here he was, experiencing emotions he had no business feeling. Why did he just view a dance between relative strangers as being so intimate? What was wrong with him?

He didn’t have any time to figure out any answers, because Jimmy walked out onto the patio as soon as the song ended. Drake half expected Bindy to follow, but, the man was alone. He experienced a feeling of relief, and that annoyed him. Staying quiet, he watched as his friend walked over to the far edge, peering into the darkness in the direction of the bench. He stood frozen, unaware he was being observed until Drake felt compelled to speak.

“Jimmy. Over here.”

He spun quickly. “Oh, there you are. You startled me. Why are you sitting out here? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. How are you?”

“Good, but I’ve been worried.”

“Yeah, you looked it.” Drake winced at the bitter tone that slipped out, hoping Jimmy didn’t notice.

“What?”

“Nothing. Ah, I saw you standing over there.”

“Yeah, well, I saw Richard come back, but he and Bernadette left right away. I figured you were taking some time to yourself. If you didn’t come back soon, I was going to go look for you.”

“I stayed down there for a few minutes, to think.”

“So, how did it go? Did you guys have a good talk?”

“It was enlightening… I guess. Confusing too.”

“What was confusing?”

“He tried to say he was straight.”

“What do you mean, tried?”

“It was a complicated explanation, but the gist is he was straight all along, or… I don’t know exactly… but he was still able to fall in love with me.”

“You sound skeptical.”

“That’s because I am. I think he’s bi, but it’s easier to say he’s straight.”

“You’re saying he doesn’t know his own sexuality?”

“I’m saying he might be fooling himself, and maybe Bernadette too.”

“Wow. Do you think that’s fair? I mean… it can be confusing road for some people.”

“I could be wrong, but I have trouble swallowing some of what he told me.”

“So, you still don’t believe a guy can take some time to figure himself out?”

“Look, I’m not talking about you.”

“Aren’t you, though? You see him when you look at me, right?”

“Jimmy, you weren’t there, I was. I listened, and I tried to take him at his word because I wanted to have it all make sense, but he made it difficult.”

“Meaning?” Jimmy sounded exasperated.

“He kissed me.”

“Aw, fuck!” Now he sounded angry.

“Why are you—”

“Did he just give you a peck or did he actually kiss you?”

“Jesus, Jimmy. I just told you he did. He didn’t shove his tongue in my mouth, but after he gave me a peck, yes, he actually kissed me. What is your problem?”

“I’m sorry, Drake. I wish he hadn’t done that.”

“Why? It didn’t bother me that much, and it gave me some clarity.”

Jimmy hesitated, looking away for a few seconds. “It bothers me because in your mind you’re going to see me the same way. Someone who could go back and forth.”

“Ah, so it’s about you. Please don’t tell me how I’m going to see anything. You don’t know me that well.”

“Don’t I? Come on… if you don’t believe him, you’re never going to believe me.”

Drake sensed more anger from Jimmy, and he began to feel cornered. He’d been so looking forward to seeing his friend, and now…. “I can only go by what’s right in front of me.”

“What does that mean? Are you talking about Richard… or me?”

“Both, I guess.”

“Care to explain?” Jimmy asked with a challenging look. “What’s in front of you where I’m concerned?”

Drake was getting damn tired of this—he hadn’t had enough time to process his conversation with his ex—and his patience was fast unravelling. “I saw you and Bindy dance.”

Jimmy frowned as he leaned forward. “So?”

“I’ve never seen a gay guy dance with a woman like that. It was pretty intimate.” He knew it sounded like a childish accusation, and he immediately regretted saying it, but Jimmy was pissing him off. The man had said he understood Drake’s fears, but did he really? “Look, I’m being an ass… just forget I said—”

“Intimate? Are you kidding me? Fuck! I like to dance, Drake, that’s all. You know what? I give up. You saw something that wasn’t there, and I think it was because you wanted too. You found another reason to keep me at arm’s length. Congratulations.”

“Jimmy—”

“I’m going to get a drink,” he said, cutting Drake off. “You should talk to your family. Everyone’s been asking for you. Let me know when you’re ready to go, and I’ll pay for a cab to take us to your mother’s. I don’t feel like pretending to your parents anymore tonight.”

Drake watch him disappear inside, absorbing his words like a punch. It was the first time he’d seen such anger directed at him from his friend, and it made him feel like shit. The worst thing was, Jimmy was right. He did see him in the same light as Richard, and he was holding that against him. But he couldn’t ignore the feeling he was right about his ex and that damn kiss.

But, was he right about the man who pushed all the right buttons but one? Could he knowingly walk into the same situation again? Was it the same situation?

Jimmy had been hoping his talk with Richard would help his own cause… why did that bug him so much? Fuck, this was messed up. He was messed up… and feeling ashamed at how he’d lashed out in at a man who didn’t deserve it. It had just been a fucking dance, yet common sense had deserted him. Jealousy. Fuck!

“There you are,” Callie said as she appeared in the same doorway Jimmy had just walked through. “Why aren’t you inside with the rest of us?”

“Hi, sis.” He swallowed, fighting the tears that burned behind his eyelids. “I just needed some peace. Where’s Luke?”

“On the dance floor. I need a break,” she said with a groan. “I’m done wearing shoes for the rest of the night.” She pulled a chair out from the other side of the glass-topped table and sat down. “You talked to Richard.”

“Yup.”

“Is that why you look sad?”

“Nope.”

“Drake, what’s going on? You look worse than sad.”

“I don’t know where to begin.”

“Why don’t you start with telling me who Dean is, because he’s not the Dean you told me about? This guy is taller than you, and his hair is the wrong color. And he’s gorgeous. You never said Dean was gorgeous.”

“You know, you’re too smart for your own good. I screwed up, Cal. Dean is Jimmy… James Dean Calloway to be exact.”

“Jimmy? Jimmy, the guy you fell for a while back? The one who turned out—”

“To be bi? Yes. He says he’s not anymore, but….” The words petered out as his heart twisted.

“You don’t believe him?”

“I don’t think he’s lying… I don’t, but my talk with Richard just backed up everything I’ve been afraid of with Jimmy. Richard thought he was gay too.”

“Do you still like Jimmy?”

“He’s just about the most perfect guy I’ve ever met.”

“That’s not an answer, brother.”

“It’s not so simple, but I can tell you I just got ridiculously jealous when I saw him dancing with Bindy.”

“Okay, so that’s a yes. Well, he sure seems to care about you. When we were doing photos, he never took his eyes off you.”

“I noticed, and yes, he does care, and I keep pushing him away.” He looked away from her perusal, the shame of what he’d just done, hitting him again. “He’s really angry with me right now.”

“He is? I just saw him and he seems fine. He didn’t want to dance, though, when Bindy asked him.”

Drake groaned. “Yeah, I did that. I’m really screwing up.”

“Stop. No you’re not. You’re always too hard on yourself.”

“That’s what Jimmy says.”

“Well, he’s right. Tell me how this happened. Why is he here, and what happened to Dean?”

“Dean is history. We broke up, which was a good thing, but we were going to try to be friends.” He looked away from his sister, embarrassment adding to his shame.

“And?”

“And, he was supposed to be my date this weekend so Preston couldn’t say ‘I told you so,’ to you or me, but he bailed at the last minute.”

“I get it, and you made me fifty bucks, so stop looking like that. I don’t blame you one bit. So you asked Jimmy to fill in?”

“No, he volunteered. He talked me into it, stressing his middle name was Dean, and that we did go out before the other Dean, so it wouldn’t be a big lie. Turns out it was a bad idea.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s brought up old feelings, and we were in a good place… as friends.”

“Come on, Drakey. That doesn’t sound bad to me. The guy’s a keeper. Hell, Mom and Dad think he’s great, he likes you and you like him, he put Preston in his place, and did I mention he’s gorgeous?”

“Ha. Yeah, you did. I just can’t go there with him, Cal.”

“Because you think he’s bisexual, and you don’t want to go through what you did with Richard.” It wasn’t a question. His sister understood.

“Can you blame me? And what makes it worse is I can’t get him out of my head.”

“No wonder… sorry, but he is gorgeous. No, I don’t blame you, but what if you’re wrong? Don’t give me that look. I’m just being your favorite sister.”

“You’re my only sister, twerp.”

“When you have me, you only need one,” she said, smirking. “So what’s the plan when you go home? There’s going to be a breakup?”

Drake nodded.

“That really sucks.”

“I can handle it, Cal. Preston will get his day eventually, but I didn’t want it to be this weekend. Not when Rachel was getting married.”

Callie glared at him, pursing her lips to one side, something she did when she was annoyed.

“What?”

“I wasn’t talking about you. I was talking about the family. Did you know Mom and Dad danced tonight?”

“Together?”

“Yes, together.” She rolled her eyes, and Drake got that she was still annoyed.

“No way! You’ve got to be kidding me?”

“Uh uh. Mom was dancing with Dean… Jimmy… and Dad was dancing with me, when Jimmy tapped Dad on the shoulder and said ‘let’s switch.’ You should have seen their faces, but they had no choice… appearances and all that.”

“I never thought I’d see the day—”

“I know, right? So I asked him why he did that, and he said it was what they wanted and they just needed a little push. When I asked him why he thought that, he said they constantly check where the other one is.”

“That’s Jimmy for you, and he’s right, they do. Did they go to separate corners after that?”

“No! They danced a second song. It was a faster song, but Dad just picked up the speed… you remember how he used to do that?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“And Mom was laughing!”

“Will wonders never cease.” Drake wished he’d witnessed his parents tripping the light fantastic, as his dad used to call it. It was something they’d done often when he was a kid. They’d put on some music and just dance, before dinner, after dinner, in the middle of watching a movie… even in the morning. He used to think they were crazy, but he missed it when they stopped for good.

“And Preston actually gave me a kiss goodbye on the cheek before they took the kids home. Can you believe that?”

“Um, no.” Something else that was mind-boggling to Drake.

“Well, he did, and you can’t tell me Dean didn’t have something to do with it. When we went to fix our makeup after dinner, Mom told me how he handled Preston. She’s totally in love with the guy, and now you’re going to have to tell her he isn’t going to be her son-in-law,” she said with her patented Callie ‘whine.’

“Cal, you’re getting carried away.”

“No, I’m not. Even Dad says he’s a good man, and he mentioned some golfing weekend you guys are going to have.”

“Ahhh crap.”

“Hey, I’m not trying to make you feel bad. But, for God’s sake, don’t regret bringing him here, because whatever he’s done, our family is acting more normal than we have in years.”

“Well, he sure woke Mom up when we got here last night.”

“That’s exactly what she said. She said he forced her to take her blinders off. She had tears when she talked about how badly she’s treated you.”

“She didn’t treat me that badly, not really.”

“Drake—”

“Okay, okay. You know this isn’t helping, don’t you?”

“Point taken… just stop letting them all off the hook. Now, enough of this maudlin crap. I think you’re crazy not to give this Dean a chance, but I won’t say another word. Don’t give me that face… come on and dance with me.”

“Can I have a raincheck? To be honest, I really don’t feel like it right now. It’s been a long day.”

“Okay, fine, your loss,” she said, smiling but looking concerned, and sympathetic. “Are you coming inside, though?”

“In a minute, I will.”

Callie showed her disappointment as she stood up, but she walked around and kissed his cheek and ruffled his hair before returning to the reception.

Drake was feeling slightly nauseous, remembering how Jimmy had left him. It crossed his mind he should come clean with his parents and just accept the fallout. His friend was tired of pretending, and so was he.

He stood, a few minutes after his sister left, wondering what kind of reception he would face from the man. He needn’t have worried. As soon as he stepped through the door, Jimmy approached him.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Jimmy leaned close because of the music. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, pretty much. You ask me that a lot.”

“I guess I do.” He smiled briefly. “Look, I’m sorry. Losing my cool after I told you I had no expectations was wrong. I had no right to put pressure on you, and you can trust I won’t go there again. Let’s just get through the rest of the evening, okay?”

“All right, and I’m sorry too, but I was thinking I should tell Mom and Dad the truth. Callie already figured it out.”

“Oh. I see. Well, it’s up to you”—he ran fingers through his dark hair—“but I don’t think tonight is the right time. Look at your parents. They’re talking… and really enjoying themselves.”

Drake sensed some disappointment in the man, and followed his gaze to one of the tables in the far corner. “I see that. They don’t usually sit that close. In fact, they never do. Callie told me about the dance switch.”

“What can I say? It worked like a charm.” Jimmy smiled again, but it, too, was brief.

“Okay, you’re right. I’m too tired to get into it with them anyway.”

“I hear you. Do you want to go?”

“It’s okay. I can hang in if you want to dance some more.”

“No. No, I’m done. That swimming wore me out today. Unless you want to dance or visit with some of your relatives.”

Drake knew it wasn’t the truth, and the guilt returned over his earlier comment. “I’ve had enough talking for one day, and I definitely don’t feel like dancing.”

Jimmy nodded. “Looks like we’re on the same page then.”

“In that case, let’s say our goodbyes and get out of here. We should call a cab now.”

“I don’t think we don’t need to. I walked out to the lobby a few minutes ago, and there’s at least five cabs just sitting there.”

“Oh, yeah, they tend to line up on Saturday nights. The lounge is usually full of people having drinks after a round of golf.”

“Well then, goodbyes it is.”

Drake was surprised when Jimmy held out his hand, but he took it immediately. They were going to see this through. It should have felt wrong, especially after the tension he’d caused earlier, but it didn’t.

There was a lot of hugging, laughing, kisses, and handshakes before they could escape. Rachel thanked them for their gift, and Drake accepted gracefully, all the while wondering what his mom had gotten them in his name.

He expected some objection from his mother over their leaving, but standing close to his dad, she voiced none, seemingly content to stick around longer. As they walked away, the couple headed for the dance floor. Drake, looking back, stopped and watched them. His father used a familiar move from long ago, spinning his mother before taking her in his embrace for their version of a fast dance. It was strange to see, but he couldn’t help smiling.

“I think you were right.”

Drake turned his attention to Jimmy. “About what?”

“That as much as they may have hated one another, they love each other too.”

“Maybe. It was the only answer I could come up with for how they acted. It’s hard to believe I’m watching my parents dancing and having fun.”

“Sometimes, people are their own worst enemy, aren’t they?’

Drake’s gaze was on his parents, but his focus was on Jimmy’s words. “Meaning?”

“Meaning, they let too much get in the way, like guilt, and lost sight of what really mattered.”

“What mattered? I don’t know if it’s that simple… they had affairs, Jimmy.”

“Yeah, but why did they? Look at them… the way they’re interacting. I’m a believer that love is worth fighting for.”

“Are you being philosophical now?”

“No… absolutely not… just observing your parents’ dynamic from an outsider’s perspective. What can I say? I’m a romantic fool.”

It sounded apologetic, and Drake reacted quickly. “Nothing wrong with that.”

“Depends,” Jimmy muttered quietly, with eyes downcast.

Drake, taken aback, wondered what he meant. He was about to ask, when Jimmy continued in a stronger voice.

“My guess is Dot and Lawrence finally talked about the thing that helped make Preston such an ass, and fractured your family. It looks like that broke down some walls.”

“Maybe it was your clever dance switch.” He was trying to get a read on Jimmy, but couldn’t. He didn’t sense any anger, even though he wouldn’t have blamed the man if he was still pissed. Maybe he was imagining things—he was exhausted from being on an emotional roller-coaster since yesterday—but something felt off.

“Nah. That was just good timing, and I took the opportunity presented. Whatever they talked about did the trick… all they needed was a nudge to keep it going.”

Jimmy’s gaze finally met his again, and held. This time the intensity made Drake’s breath hitch enough he stammered. “I… I suppose. It’s, ah… it’s been quite the weekend, hasn’t it?”

Jimmy didn’t answer. He smiled that small, enigmatic smile Drake had seen earlier, before turning away.

Drake, suddenly feeling off-kilter, followed him out the reception room door.

*

A big thank you goes to my editor, Timothy, M., who has been at my side from the beginning. Thank you, Tim.   Also, thank you to my faithful readers who inspire me to be better each time out. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think, good or bad. They're great motivation for me, and I appreciate them more than you know. Cheers... Gary....